What brings people to polyamory lifestyle?

[couplewanting50 65]

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

 

Discuss.

[fun4Ds 1,097]

This is a very interesting topic. We have not considered this to much in the past, but have always seen the people that do live the poly life acceptable. It dosent seem possible for us, but we have a friend who says occasionaly "I love you" or " I love you guys" So far we are taking it as just an expression. But we are talking about this. Could poly happen to us? We don't think so, but we are looking at things differenty.

[rpu3 630]

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

 

My take would be that there are some people that know intrinsically that they are not meant to be monogamous and do seek out on their own volition a polyamorous relationship. I'd hazard a guess that's actually more of an exception than a rule, that many explore and figure out that they are polyamorous after they've found love with a person in addition to their primary relationship.

 

I'll be quite interested in the take from those who do consider themselves polyamorous.

 

This is a very interesting topic. We have not considered this to much in the past, but have always seen the people that do live the poly life acceptable. It dosent seem possible for us, but we have a friend who says occasionaly "I love you" or " I love you guys" So far we are taking it as just an expression. But we are talking about this. Could poly happen to us? We don't think so, but we are looking at things differenty.

 

Polyamory is a alternative lifestyle I don't quite understand, so that's why I'm always interested in this forum and the various threads.

 

I understand the concept of love. I love all sorts of people, as awkward as my personality is. I can love my family, my friends, my spouse - I do in fact "love" some of my friends, some of my family and definitely my spouse. I'd even hazard a guess that I "love", in a platonic fashion, my best friend at the office, in a sense given the amount of time and what we share in and out of the office.

 

However, even if I love friends, I just don't have the wherewithal to proceed into a formal love/romantic relationship. I guess that's the definition of poly to me - a more formalized, romantic-based relationship style. And under that definition, which could very well be a faulty definition for lack of true understanding, I don't know I could do it. Kudos to your friend for being expressing her appreciation to you - even if it's just an expression. That type of expression is something I have difficulty with in real life to family and friends. I guess I just prefer to try to keep things simple. But I do want to hear about the poly side of things for the sake of consideration.

 

I agree with your statement that it does make you think and take different approaches to things.

[mick2150 96]

The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle. There are many instances where swingers have blended into the poly world and I know of a number of folk who consider themselves to be basically poly, yet enjoy, on occassion, no strings attached sex.

 

Where both lifestyles overlap and can usually agree is where 'cheating' is concerned. It is a No-No, no matter where in the lifesyle you see yourself. Ethical Non-monogamy, with or without emotional involvment is the basis on which all the many varying flavours of most alternative lifestyles are founded.

 

M.

[NandTfromCA 84]

The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle.

 

There is a huge gray area between straight up "swingers" and hard core "polyamorists" (did I just make up a word?).

 

For us, we fell into it because I fell in love with someone but we have always enjoyed building relationships with those we have sex with. N was open to me exploring that, and I was open to exposing myself to this new love. N has a relationship now too and we have compersion exploding out our ears! :-)

 

I don't think swinging led to polyamory but rather openness led to swinging and openness led to polyamory.

 

Love + Love = SO MUCH LOVE!!!

 

Namaste,

 

T

[Guest sinfuldelight]

Most people may not understand the lifestyle, and most may even condemn it. Thats just part of the lifestyle, at this time I don't even try to explain it to anyone anymore. Most people are lucky if they find one person to love them I am blessed to have two beautiful women in my life, both of which love me very much.

 

we fell into a poly relationship quite by accident. The wife and I both started out swinging as did the other couple we are involved with now. Over the course of a few months we found that we had more and more in common than we had originally thought and everything just grew from there. We have been together a little over a year now and would be telling a lie if I said it had all been peaches and creame. Sure we have had our problems but eventually, like any other relationship we work through them with each other.

 

In an earlier post Mike2150 stated that "The 'Poly' lifestyle comes in so many flavours and it has much in common with the 'Swinger' lifesyle." I have to disagree with this and most people in a "Poly" lifestyle will also. To most "swingers" the word LOVE is a taboo. Sex without love is just, well sex and to most people that is ok, it is a physical thing and that is ok also. Poly is I guess, more of an "emotional connection" to your other partner. And like I said before, I feel really blessed that I have that.

[gatorvol64 216]

We had a poly relationship "emerge". We met them swinging and things just went from there. It's been a bit of a rough road at times but the "benefits" are worth it. Can you imagine two wonderful men that both love you? I don't have to now.

 

I'll also admit that this lifestyle isn't for everyone and I'd never try to convert anyone to my way of thinking.

 

Vol

[Oleg&Lena 43]

To most "swingers" the word LOVE is a taboo. Sex without love is just, well sex and to most people that is ok, it is a physical thing and that is ok also. Poly is I guess, more of an "emotional connection" to your other partner.

 

I don't agree with you. First of all, the love is absolute other thing then sympathy, even then infatuation. And sympathy and infatuation are not taboo for swingers. We have very long emotional relationship with one couple and it was beautiful. May be we have not infatuaton and don't fall in love every time when have sex with other couple but we have not sex without sympathy.

[havefuninsun 122]

I've thought about this a lot, because frankly, I just don't see us in a Poly type relationship. But then, something hit me.

 

During my first marriage, years ago, we had a couple friend who we adored. We never swung with them, but we were very tight. If I called their house to talk to the Mrs. and the Mr. answered the phone, I could easily talk for 20 minutes to him before I ever got to speak to Mrs. I loved them both. The same thing with the other Mrs. and my ex ... if he was being a jackass, she would just snap him into place. They moved far away, and I cried when they told me they were moving.

 

I think that any couple could find themselves in a poly type situation. My friends moved away over 17 years ago, and I still miss them very much. I could see that if we had been in a swing relationship with them, that it would have been very intense.

 

I don't want to look for one ... I really don't want to maintain that level of emotion with more than one person. But who knows what might happen down the road.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

We have discussed this many times, and consider ourselves open to this type of relationship. Poly vs. swinger with friends would be two different worlds.

We don't envolve our immediate finanacial and home concerns with the close swinger friends that we have. Having an exclusive relationship, is about restricting activities and emotions to one other coulple who don't reside together.

However, to us a Poly relationship is about combining our households, parental, and financial responsibilities. Thus, the first concern, how do we find a couple that wishes to live and love in the same home. We discussed the sharing of bedroom and decided we would need a bigger bed, maybe to kings put together to sleep all in.

 

Bunny

[gatorvol64 216]

I personally feel that more poly relationships evolve from swinging by people who are open to all possibilities, physically and emotionally, than "planned" poly relationships. I never knew there was a such thing until after we had started getting closer to Tech and Kitten. It is alot easier in some ways and more difficult in others. Easier in the fact you don't have to sort through the potential swinging partners which we all know can be quite a chore, and harder in the fact that if something is wrong you need to work it out instead of just walking away. Poly is not for everyone but for those it is it can be very rewarding.

 

Gator

[lovinher 505]

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

[gatorvol64 216]

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

 

It's not a secret that Gator and Kitten fell hard and fast. But either Tech or I could have said "no way, no how". We didn't. He and I were just slower. One thing he and I have in common is a reluctance to let people in. But I absolutely had a choice in the matter.

 

Vol

[WesternSwing 504]

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

 

Discuss.

For us it was swinging evolving into poly. Mrs. WS and I are kind of different that way, too. She likes the connection with someone else. She likes what others offer besides sex. I do to. I don't have the time or energy to pursue another relationship outside our marriage, but I'm completely supportive of her doing so. For her having someone different than me completes another part of her that I simply can't, because I'm not that type of person. Her boyfriends have tended to be much different than me in many ways, physically, mentally, emotionally, interests, etc. They are an addition to herself, not a replacement for me. And I love how happy and totally fulfilled she is when she has another man she is interested in beyond sex.

 

We kind of stumbled into it also with a single male we were including in our play. Again, he was different than me and therefore brought different things to the table than I, and because they are different they are not a threat to me. Again, it is in addition to me, not in replacement of me. Basically, Mrs. WS fell for him, though to my knowledge the words "I love you" never left her lips or his. I don't think he was in as deep as Mrs. WS was and she/we were too new at poly situations to go there. After several months that relationship ended as he moved-on, however we are all still friends.

 

We weren't looking for it, it just happened, and what we thought we feared the most when we first got into the lifestyle ended-up not being all that scary at all.

 

Mr. WS

[WesternSwing 504]

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

It is plausible, but I think such a relationship would be so out of balance to begin with that it wouldn't last long in either swinging or polyamory.

[avid 134]

I have often wondered if some poly relationships start because two people in the group fell for each other and the others had no choice but to go along with it. I don't mean to offend anybody but it does seem plausable.

 

Certainly we didn't go into this adventure planning for me to fall in love with someone else. It evolved slowly, and at every stage of the process, my husband and I communicated about how we were feeling. Was he hurt and upset about the changes? Yes. Did he have a choice to go along with it? Yes. He made the choice to open his heart even wider, and to support me. I believe he really KNOWS that there is no replacement for him.

 

The ongoing challenge for us in this new situation is finding time alone with each other, despite the fact that we have very busy lives. We're working on it!

[manhattan27 15]

Gray areas rock

 

Both of us are comfortable with the idea of dating. Not quite falling in love, but dating. We had a wonderful friends-with-benefits relationship with another couple last year and it was a bit like dating, though evidently it ended because the other couple felt that their boundaries were crossed. Since then, we've drifted towards meeting poly people, and were even open to the idea of romantic involvement. The more we've explored this, the more we realized we just haven't met anyone we'd ever fall in love with (remotely!). We like meeting people, like the eroticism, like the warmth. We're not in love with anyone else. So dating is an appropriate "middle ground" space to be -- at least while we haven't met anyone who we have both really fallen for. It's not without its problems, but it's definitely added a dimension to what we used to have -- just a lot of one-night stands that were fun but almost meaningless.

[TheDeal 117]

We made the transition from Swinging not too long ago. OK, we never really got into the whole swinging thing as the first couple we played with were also some long time best friends. That situation led us to poly. Hard not to when you already love the other couple as friends and the you sex them...LOL! For us, the safety, friendship, comfort level, all while still getting to have the freaky fun are the main reasons for doing the poly. Just as in swinging; there are many types or levels of poly. Some prefer no secondaries and everyone is on complete equal footing. Others have the primary relationship and all other are secondaries. Ours is like that, but it does not limit the importance or emotion involved in the least.

[WesternSwing 504]

The ongoing challenge for us in this new situation is finding time alone with each other, despite the fact that we have very busy lives. We're working on it!

This is a problem for Mrs. WS and I, also, mostly finding time for us rather than for the other person. Especially with her, her boyfriends over time have been single men, therefore they usually have their own place and more freedom to their schedule, so going out with them is never an issue or finding time and place to be intimate. However with us, we have kids and their schedules, work, grocery shopping, etc that all cuts into our time, but is something that isn't involved with a third. When we are with a third we are with them without distractions. Not so in real married life. This is something we are working on ourselves.

[Guest rdy46227]

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

 

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

 

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

 

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

[Guest rdy46227]

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

 

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

 

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

 

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

Ongoing Singles

 

Some people live in circles where attachment is acknowledged as transitory. They are generally single, often know a lot of similar people, and clusters of them function as extended family that are care-providers in urgent or extreme need. They know where most former lovers are and what they are doing. Their community is dynamic built around a long term core group

 

Relationships come and go and sometimes return. These people don't expect them to last, even if they want them to last. They often break up over issues of cheating, or loss of interest. The breakups seldom start the extreme fighting which traditionally divorces can spawn; moving on has become habitual, and no longer sleeping together doesn't mean breaking contact.

 

While the idea of marring "happily ever after" into exclusivity hasn't been forgotten, they've become accustom to and now often prefer living as non-married. They expect to have new sexual partners, and may be keeping an environment where adding or changing partners is easier. The lifestyle allows them to easily change focus or make radical goal changes.

 

And since long-term partner loyalty is rare, long-term exclusivity isn't a big expectation. You don't forget anyone you know; you try to keep them part of your larger extended family. In fact, have a larger "extended family" increases the pool of future partners for when the current relationship (unfortunately) ends.

 

In this context, the idea of holding on to a relationship while having another makes sense, if nothing more than providing an overlap. It reduces the turnover rate of relationships (ending relationships can be hard no matter who you are), and cuts drama in the extended family members.

 

A good example comes as the book "The Ethical Slut" relates how one of the authors (Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt), living in a San Francisco singles community, discovered how well poly works in that environment. Poly empowered her by the support combined from her several relationships.

[Guest rdy46227]

A belated reply to the original question... Two groups of people fall into poly much easier than the general population.

 

People who enter the Swinger Lifestyle can easily (maybe immediately) adopt poly when they see it as a way to enhance growth and experience.

 

People in the Single Lifestyle can easily adopt poly to get more quality in their often fluid relationships.

 

I started expanding on this, and decided to put up a separate post for each.

 

Swingers are over the wall.

 

Most of the population avoids multiple relationships, or avoids having multiple relationships collide with each other by cheating, sleeping around, or other frowned on methods.

 

A few people can grow into poly relationships. They encounter another who finds their way into an already existing relationship (triad, quad), or they create a new relationship that overlaps the existing relationship ("V"). When the relationships (or effects of) meet, the people involved choose to adopt a poly solution, abandon the newly encountered, or revert to old model of love triangles, cheating, and divorcing.

 

Adopting a poly solution can be so hard that potential polys give up. Those who persevere can spend lots of effort getting through the societal and personal barriers against poly.

 

Society believes that people should only have sex or emotional intimacy with one partner at a time. It forbids married (read: committed relationship) people emotional intimacy with a potential sex partner because it makes sex outside of marriage too easy.

 

Upbringing establishes ideas and guilt-emotions for possessiveness and against sex outside marriage. The hardest internal battle is exclusivity, figuring out if a person can personally support more than one, and if they can allow their partner to do the same.

 

A couple has to make "forbidden" sex no longer forbidden to each other. Then they're ready to adopt swinging, poly, or both into their life as they desire.

 

With a swinger attitude, avoiding sex with all others just isn't in the cards. A swinger doesn't have to avoiding deep emotional intimacy just because it can lead to "forbidden" sex -- swingers don't avoid "forbidden" sex, so they don't have to avoid emotional intimacy with might lead to "forbidden" sex.

 

So what makes poly easy for swingers is that the sex/exclusivity angle is already taken care of. When a budding multiple relation situation runs up against the exclusivity wall, the vanilla will have to scale it, but a swinger will have already torn it down.

 

And polly is just beyond the wall for the swingers who choose emotional involvement.

[fun4Ds 1,097]

 

Swingers are over the wall.

 

So what makes poly easy for swingers is that the sex/exclusivity angle is already taken care of. When a budding multiple relation situation runs up against the exclusivity wall, the vanilla will have to scale it, but a swinger will have already torn it down.

 

And polly is just beyond the wall for the swingers who choose emotional involvement.

 

I can't say I agree totally, but what you present in your other posts does have some interesting thoughts. I could see this If poly was your nature or even if the relationship moved into a poly (loving) relationship. But we cant say for us personally the wall is down. Even if there is a wall. We just have a distance between what we feel between ourselves, and the people we play with. We see it as a kindred sexual friendship. Not a way of moving into The emotional Love.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I don't think swinging led to polyamory but rather openness led to swinging and openness led to polyamory.

I have sat down several times to try to post to this thread, but have given up every time until now. I figured I'd start by quoting NandTfromCA, because T put it so well.

 

To swing, we have to be open to the idea that sex with others can be fun without threatening our primary relationships. If we are also open to the idea that loving more than one does not pose a threat either, then polyamory is possible. But what brings people to it, as the OP asked?

 

I suppose in our case it was an accident. There was a couple we were swinging with. They pronounced themselves a poly couple, but they were looking for a single woman for a three-way equal relationship, and we would not have seen each other for long because we weren't what they were looking for. They had a fire in their house. We offered them a place to stay while they made repairs. Once they were staying with us, things evolved. No one expected it to become what it has.

 

I was always disposed to have loving relationships with others, but before swinging those relationships simply didn't include sex. Mr. Fuse was not disposed to it. So for him, I brought him to poly.

[tittietwister 126]

We changed our SLS and APG profiles today to reflect our desire for light/social poly relationships. We have been unable to reconcile our values and styles with that generally expected by swingers. For us, intercourse in the absence of some degree of love/affection does not excite us. Ultimately, we just end up feeling bad about it so why do it. We're not looking to combine households but we are looking for one or two tender and caring relationships that others have been lucky enough to have as discussed on this thread. Love is not a finite resource - the more you give the more you have.

[prettylady 221]

I am at my very core a greedy person. I wont say never, because never never comes. But I can't see myself ever falling in love with another person while feeling so complete with the one I am with now.

But I do very much love another couple that we swing with, but it is a friendship like non other I have ever had. But IN love with them, no, but as close as I think I could handle.

 

But from this experience I can see how swinging can lead to a poly relationship. Exspecially if you allow the friendship to just grow into something completly different. I am very guarded with my emotions, so even if I wanted to love another man while being in love with Dog, I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally.

So I will remain a swinger.

Your friend,

Prettylady:kissface:

[GoNatural 104]

Do people get into poly because they seek it, and find partners after making that decision, or are they playing and have affections emerge, then evolve into poly relationships? The latter seems more likely to me, but....?

 

Discuss.

 

I'd say that some people discover poly by learning about poly relationship theories, but many also discover it by falling into some sort of emotional connection with another person. Now, swinging is not the only situation where falling into poly occurs. Sometimes people have an affair and then later want to be honest with their partner, so they consider poly. Other times people just form an emotional connection with someone involved in their life. Sex does not have to occur in order for someone to wonder about feeling emotionally connected to more than one person at the same time.

[lustylearning 705]

Fascinating stuff. I've often wondered what it would be like to be in a polyamorous relationship, but then I'm smacked in the face by the idea of time-sharing and meeting the demands of more than just my spouse. I guess what I'm really amazed by is the fact that a couple could deal long-term with all the foibles of another two people. And some polyamorous quads share finances, households, etc. It's intriguing but sounds like too much damn work for me:lol: Honestly, I do care deeply for some of our friends, but it's so much easier to do that from within the firm boundary of my marriage...

[GoNatural 104]

lustylearning, a person does not have to be in a group marriage to be in a poly relationship. You may be aware of this, but your reply seems to convey that perspective. Some poly people have secondary lovers that do not share finances with them etc.... They have an emotional commitment with a secondary, but that relationship is subordinate to their primary relationship (eg. marriage). It could be like swinging with the same person/people, but having emotional connections with them as well as sex. You can get involved and try it. The limits are up to you and your primary partner.

[lustylearning 705]

lustylearning, a person does not have to be in a group marriage to be in a poly relationship. You may be aware of this, but your reply seems to convey that perspective. Some poly people have secondary lovers that do not share finances with them etc.... They have an emotional commitment with a secondary, but that relationship is subordinate to their primary relationship (eg. marriage). It could be like swinging with the same person/people, but having emotional connections with them as well as sex. You can get involved and try it. The limits are up to you and your primary partner.

 

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

 

If someone's addressed this in this thread or another already, my apologies:o ~ I'm sleepy::P:

[The Fuse 1,012]

I guess what I'm really amazed by is the fact that a couple could deal long-term with all the foibles of another two people.

Tell me about it. This is the hardest part for us. One of our poly partners in a very volatile person. But the work, and occasional drama, is very much worth it to us.

 

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

I think the difference is often limited to the terminology that doesn't make some people uncomfortable. In my opinion, if there is love, it is poly. If you are maintaining a close and sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, and you feel love for that person, you are polyamorous. Again, in my opinion, some people don't want to see themselves that way. So they just reject the label.

[WesternSwing 504]

Thanks for sharing that. I wonder though, in light of this, what the difference is between a poly relationship and a swinging relationship with a couple you care deeply for. Perhaps they're just different points on the same continuum?

We call it "poly-lite." We know many swinger couples that start swinging with just one other couple or a single (in fact Mrs. WS has expressed that with her current single male she is not interested in entertaining other single males at this time). They will never admit to being poly, but obviously there is a connection there beyond just recreational sex or they wouldn't be exclusive with them. But, they may not be fully immersed in a loving, poly-like relationship, just on the fringe of one. Thus, poly-lite.

[lakecouple 15]

for us it was swinging to poly wife has second husband

[gatorvol64 216]

for us it was swinging to poly wife has second husband

 

You started out swinging and that lead to a poly relationship of your wife's...a second husband?

 

Vol

[lakecouple 15]

yes she has a second husband he is down almost every weekend and we take vacations together and they take one by thereselves been doing this over 2 years

[gatorvol64 216]

yes she has a second husband he is down almost every weekend and we take vacations together and they take one by thereselves been doing this over 2 years

 

Cool. Do you have any interest in a poly relationship for yourself?

 

Vol

[lakecouple 15]

Yes but it is hard to find that other female or other couple and we are still swinging

[interested-05 135]

We have discussed this many times, and consider ourselves open to this type of relationship. Poly vs. swinger with friends would be two different worlds.

We don't envolve our immediate finanacial and home concerns with the close swinger friends that we have. Having an exclusive relationship, is about restricting activities and emotions to one other coulple who don't reside together.

However, to us a Poly relationship is about combining our households, parental, and financial responsibilities. Thus, the first concern, how do we find a couple that wishes to live and love in the same home. We discussed the sharing of bedroom and decided we would need a bigger bed, maybe to kings put together to sleep all in.

 

Bunny

 

This combination would be a step beyond polyamorous, and would be simply a shift into "polygamy" whether sanctioned by the state or the 'unofficial' equivalent of common law marriage.

You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.

Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

[avid 134]

You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.

 

I think you would be surprised about where you might see people like this. We DO live this way, and we are in the suburbs of one of the largest cities in North America.

 

We have jobs, friends, and a (relatively) normal life. Yes, we're swingers too. If you saw us at a swinger's party, you probably would never think we belong in Utah. Then again, they probably wouldn't have me there. I have two sexy husbands, and I think that's not what they look for.

 

 

Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

 

Well, this IS the polyamoury forum....

[gatorvol64 216]

This combination would be a step beyond polyamorous, and would be simply a shift into "polygamy" whether sanctioned by the state or the 'unofficial' equivalent of common law marriage.

You might move to Utah or apparently some compound in TX, to find this type of blended family. Maybe elsewhere, but that is where its been in the news.

Just a bit much for what we are comfortable with.

 

First, let me say that labels really aren't a good thing to me.

 

While the situation you are referring to could be considered polygamy, it doesn't mean it isn't polyamorous.

 

Polygamy...the practice of multiple marriage.

 

Polyamory...the desire, practice or acceptance of having more than one loving (often intimate) relationship simultaneously.

 

As Avid said, you would be surprised at who lives this way. And all over the place. My husband and I live a a small rural town and it is our desire to eventually live with the couple we have a polyamorous relationship with.

 

I have two husbands. Not the "norm" I'll admit. But not something that is remotely like what you are referring to in the news. We are all adults and freely, with full consent from all involved, love more than one person at a time. Nothing illegal about what we are doing.

 

Vol

[interested-05 135]

actually i'm not surprised, which is why I included elsewhere. I know plenty of prople who live together as a 3some. and none of them in Utah. so please right it off as a limp joke.

Still there is a distinct difference between married, as in "Legal", and living polyamorously. you cant write off both spouses on your taxes.

[jdavisauto 73]

I can watch someone have sex with my wife, but I don't think I can watch someone make love to my wife. I have sex with lots of other ladies but only make love to my wife. I don't know if people will understand what I am trying to say but with my wife I enjoy a night of love not sex. Some nights we just sit and I hold her in my arms and we don't say a word. I love those times.

[gatorvol64 216]

... you cant write off both spouses on your taxes.

 

That's a pity though. Ok, I missed that as a joke.

 

 

jdavisauto, I understand what you are saying. The difference between sex and making love. I have stated on this board before that sharing Gator sexually was easy. Sharing him emotionally was not easy for me.

 

For the most part, we are raised and live in a monogamous world. It can be difficult shedding those perceptions and teachings. Even if it is something you want to do and have been doing for years. Each of us have what I've heard called "monogamous moments" occasionally. I've stated mine is usually in the form of jealousy. But that is ALWAYS a symptom of something else. Most of the time it is because something has made me feel insecure about something. Not always my relationship with Gator. I hate an insecure feeling.

 

Poly isn't for everyone just as swinging isn't for everyone. They are two different worlds that happen to overlap upon occasion. Everyone needs to find what makes them happy and rejoice in that.

 

Vol

[GoNatural 104]

I've replied before, and I want to ad a little more to this thread. I'm currently single, but seeking a poly arangement. I'm more interested in loving a woman that has other lovers than I myself having more than one lover (but I'm open to loving more than one). Now, it is not easy to be a single guy and find a poly woman to spend your life with. Sure, many have done it, and it is possible, but I've noticed over the last couple of years that many poly men end up with a poly woman by having a monogamous relationship with her first, then they open up their relationship. Trust is built firs, and a history together, before such alternative things are considered, in most cases (just as in swinging).

 

I still want to point out that a number of men and women discover that they are poly after being in a monogamous relationship, then desiring to be in an open relationship. Two poly women that I have dated have never considered themselves a swinger, although one has been the sought after unicorn in a FFM threesome with a married couple.

 

It is possible that I have a scewed view, but it seems that woman have an easier time finding partners that will consider an open relationship.

[gatorvol64 216]

Hmmm, we started in a monogamous relationship. Over 20 years worth of one. For us, Gator (the man) had a wife (Vol-me) that was willing to consider a poly relationship.

 

Now, I belong to a poly forum and see the situation arise both ways. And since I've never been in your shoes, I can't say that it has occurred to me to actually notice if it is more prevalent for woman to have partners more open to a non monogamous relationship. I hope that if it were something easy to spot, Id have picked up on that by now.

 

Vol

[mixtupcpl 169]

I kind of reject the notion that "monogamy" (that term seems misapplied here really), is just "societal programming"

 

I very much agree with Jdavisauto, on this. The primary defense of swinging is that a truly committed couple, that truly loves each other, demonstrates the intensity and power of that love by acknowledging that humans are sexual animals and that the physical act of sex shouldnt be allowed to become a wedge in your love for each other.

 

Thats cool. I get that.

 

Poly though? No offense to anyone (really), but it seems like it is either:

 

A) an anomaly that occurs in some folks who actually CANNOT separate love from sex

 

OR

 

B) the entire thing (swinging, poly, all of it) is a bit of a farce and monogamy IS "human nature". When I read the poly stories here, it seems like a path from committed couple living "vanilla" and "unawakened" to evolving to the point where they are open and embrace swinging and then, what, evolving? or devolving? to the point where they somehow return BACK to being closed, but only now with TWO partners?

 

I'm not knocking this at all because I believe that what works for people is good for them. I just wonder at the kind of implied subtext that this is really the "norm" but people havent "figured it out yet"

 

It also seems like in the examples here it is the women finding a second husband. I wonder if the first husband, deep down inside, ever thought "maybe swinging wasnt such a good idea"?

 

I have to say I almost have second thoughts on the LS after reading these threads! (but curiosity always brings me back to uncomfortable places )

 

The deep love my wife and I share has brought us to the point where we can accept that we're "Swingers". But the thought of being faced with "Husband 2.0" and having to hear "I have fallen in love with this other man. I still love you, but now I love him too. If you dont like it, I can end it" and then bearing the weight of either 1) breaking her heart or 2) breaking mine, is terrifying!

 

Are you guys saying that in no case did actually falling in LOVE with another person and committing to them, making time, being a real family, etc, bother the original spouse at all? It seems hard to believe. Seems more likely that the other spouse realized pandoras box was open, had no way to close it, still loved their spouse more than anything, and just made room for spouse #2.

 

Again... Im not making judgments, just trying to understand b/c this is interesting and possibly cautionary. The poly stuff I read here to me feels like monogamy with 3 or 4 people.

[GoNatural 104]

mixtupcpl, I agree with in some ways, but only to the extent that I believe that non-hierarchial polyamory is a self motivated choice, and not something that is part of human nature. I believe that is can still work, because humans are capable of enjoying creative decision that they make, regardless of what the majority of a given culture does.

 

Now, hierachial polyamory, where your spouse is your primary and #1 in your life is a different story. This is much closer to the emotional and sexual behavior of humans over the eons of time. They didn't just have purely recreational sex with their "other lovers". Romance, seduction, and possibly love was involved, but this was all secondary (and most always hidden) from their primary partner.

 

So, it is natural for humans to have affairs. Now that our society is more enlightened, we can understand and accept the drive to be involved with others, and go about it in an honest way.

 

Having multiple lovers of different ranks in your life is perfectly natural, while being egalitarian about it comes from a concious choice to treat them all equally, if you prefer non-hierarchial polyamory.

[mixtupcpl 169]

GoNatural,

 

Great post. Thank you for the food for thought. I have to digest this and think about it some more.

 

One cool thing about this is that I discussed it with my wife. For her, she needs to feel some kind of emotional attachment to the person she is with and it could POSSIBLY become some sort of "love" if we found a couple we bonded with long term, but her feeling is that no one could possibly replace me for her because of the history we have shared that simply cant be duplicated.

 

Also, she doesnt *want* someone getting so close that our lives merge, but rather being close enough that the comfort level is there. I guess like a truly bonded vanilla couple, but with some very interesting strings

 

So maybe then this does become a kind of a choice for those involved that, as long as all agree, is fantastic.

 

Also, I'm thinking that many people probably operate like my wife. Where they are compartmentalizing and, I guess, building that hierarchy you describe.

 

As swinging is to vanilla, poly is to swinging, I suspect, in that some folks are simply "wired" to be able to go all the way to that next level and not really have a hierarchy (as some of these stories sound - sounds like peers to me)

 

And I find it VERY interesting that in those stories, it sort of sounds like they are all exclusive (I could be reading into it though)

 

Anyway... What a fascinating topic this is! I know its not for my wife and I. For us, a strong trust with a little network of like-minded couples (like a dirty secret we all share) is what would be our ideal space. Of course we would have feelings for these people, but they would more likely be of an extended family nature. I find it just tremendously interesting, though, that some folks *do* form these full-time primary meshes AND make them work.

[avid 134]

Poly though? No offense to anyone (really), but it seems like it is either:

 

A) an anomaly that occurs in some folks who actually CANNOT separate love from sex

 

OR

 

B) the entire thing (swinging, poly, all of it) is a bit of a farce and monogamy IS "human nature". When I read the poly stories here, it seems like a path from committed couple living "vanilla" and "unawakened" to evolving to the point where they are open and embrace swinging and then, what, evolving? or devolving? to the point where they somehow return BACK to being closed, but only now with TWO partners?

 

While I certainly admire strong, well-thought out opinions, I wonder how much "real life" exposure you have to polyamory.

 

I don't really see it as an either/or situation. We are a poly triad and we swing. It's all good, and we can most certainly separate love from sex.

 

 

I'm not knocking this at all because I believe that what works for people is good for them. I just wonder at the kind of implied subtext that this is really the "norm" but people havent "figured it out yet"

 

I agree with you, I hate the implication that one group or the other is more evolved than those who sit on the other side of the fence. There is certainly a lot of judgement from both camps, the swingers and the polys.

 

 

 

It also seems like in the examples here it is the women finding a second husband. I wonder if the first husband, deep down inside, ever thought "maybe swinging wasnt such a good idea"?

 

Well, that might be the case, but I got involved with my partner romantically before we looked at swinging. We found that we needed to take time to establish OUR relationship before we brought others into it. Sound familiar? My husband found it much easier to relate to poly than he did to swinging. I think it's that he's shy, and doesn't realize how sexy he is.

 

I have to say I almost have second thoughts on the LS after reading these threads! (but curiosity always brings me back to uncomfortable places )

 

Can you expand on this? I'm not sure what you mean.

 

Are you guys saying that in no case did actually falling in LOVE with another person and committing to them, making time, being a real family, etc, bother the original spouse at all? It seems hard to believe. Seems more likely that the other spouse realized pandoras box was open, had no way to close it, still loved their spouse more than anything, and just made room for spouse #2

 

There is no relationship that doesn't take work. What do we always say here? Communicate, communicate, communicate. My husband and I have a tremendously deep, committed, and loving relationship. We ALWAYS discuss issues that arise. My partner, too, is the kind of guy who is SO careful not to tread on anyone's toes. We (generally speaking) took it slow and worked on things until we got to where we are now. Doesn't mean there weren't any bumps in the road.

 

Again... Im not making judgments, just trying to understand b/c this is interesting and possibly cautionary.

 

Sure you're making a judgement. We all make them, all the time. Why do you say "cautionary"?

 

The poly stuff I read here to me feels like monogamy with 3 or 4 people.

 

Speaking only for us, not at all. I love sharing my men with other women, and I love meeting couples, and getting to know both the man and woman of the couple.

 

I don't imagine that we'd be terribly open to finding another person to add to our "tribe", because what we're doing is enough work, but I won't say never.

[mixtupcpl 169]

Too much to reply to section by section... Ill just summarize.

 

For me, real life experience with this = absolute 0, so you are right there! It's not something I would be interested in personally, but I'm interested in learning about it. Make sense hopefully?

 

The reason I say cautionary, and that it is a little bit uncomfortable, is because it seems like a potential emotional risk I honestly had never thought of .

 

In other words, in the event that one partner falls really deeply for another person and wants to actually move to some sort of real, committed, poly thing, the other partner is potentially faced with a very hard decision. That's a little scary, which is why I say it almost makes me second guess the LS. In other words, lets say my wife were to say "hey, that guy we've been swinging with for a while. I'm really in love with him and want to move him in" That would be an absolute and definite no from me. Which would then put me in a position to have to tell her "this is across one of my boundaries so thats not happening" Which would then cause her a heartbreak which would completely suck because the whole point (to me) of this LS is to have fun as a couple.

 

All of this said, I think I "get it" more now after reading GoNatural's post.

 

In some sense, anyone who is more interested in having a decent connection when swinging (my wife and I are definitely like this) has SOME form of poly situation going if you just go by the semantics. Because, obviously, you do have feelings on some level for the couple you've connected with. But I consider this very different than the true poly scenarios discussed here where it is essentially some sort of 4 way marriage.

 

And I'm really not making a judgment in the sense that I'm not saying that I think there's anything wrong with this for folks for whom it works, it's just something entirely new to me that I find interesting and want to understand.

 

I do have *some* experience with this in the sense that my wife and I had an open marriage for a long while and she had one long term guy who she loves on some level and he loves her also. I dont want to get into the drama of it, but ultimately, he wanted her to leave and go with him. This of course didn't happen (or I'd be Status: Single, LOL), but the whole thing was kind of painful. If he had been a poly type, I guess, and said "how about I live with you two" that would have been a HUGE "NO" from me which would have had the same result.

 

So for my wife and I we have decided that minimizing emotional ties is the key to having this stay purely fun. So we closed the open marriage, moved to swinging, and are just looking for, essentially, couple friends we connect with that are on the same wavelength.