Why Does Motive Matter?

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

...the fact that you are being singled out for just one particular physical characteristic tends to give it that 'fetish' feel...because they aren't looking beyond that to who you are, just that you fit their kink.

...while there are people out there for whom that is ok, I daresay that most people don't want to be WANTED because someone else has a fetish for whatever they happen to have... whether it's their hair color, skin color or size. I think most people want to be MORE than just one attribute or aspect of themselves.

...although I see many black men playing it up in the Lifestyle, most seem to be offended at being treated like a novelty or a conquest of another thing to check-off on a list of sexual things to do. I know I'd be offended.

The whole Mandingo thing is a good example of that: parties where black men are invited to fuck white women while their husbands watch. It's a fetish which I think is rooted in feelings I wouldn't want to see expressed up close. Personally I think this is twisted for all the participants, but they are going to do what they are going to do.

Quotes like these have led us to wonder about the things that motivate swingers to choose the partners they play with. Many of you have expressed distain at being desired for a particular characteristic, especially in regard to weight and race. We can understand wanting to be appreciated as a total person when it comes to vanilla relationships, but when it comes to something as uncomplicated as recreational sex (at least it's supposed to be uncomplicated), why should that matter as long as the sex is good? If an attractive swinger wants to play with you because he/she likes your bubble butt or admires your bulging biceps, why would that person's motivation matter to you?

[MRnMSbhaven 45]

I may be an anomoly in this but I very much so enjoy being wanted for my size, my tits, my age, what ever part of me you may find attractive.

 

That being said however, I do also enjoy being wanted because I'm an interesting person too. I prefer the entire package but you're welcome to tell me that there's a particular part of me you like most.

 

So how do we pick our playmates? We go off of the personality. That's the most interesting trait a person has to us. If we don't like you as a person, nothing you can offer us in a physical sense is going to be attractive no matter how much of a fetish we do or don't have.

 

Ms B

[sweet_tna 680]

Good question, Greg & Sheryl. For me, if someone's attracted to me (and I to them) and we have good (hopefully great) sex, then so be it! I could care less whether it's because if my big ole' behind, the gap between my teeth, or my southern accent.

 

=)

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Quotes like these have led us to wonder about the things that motivate swingers to choose the partners they play with. Many of you have expressed distain at being desired for a particular characteristic, especially in regard to weight and race. We can understand wanting to be appreciated as a total person when it comes to vanilla relationships, but when it comes to something as uncomplicated as recreational sex (at least it's supposed to be uncomplicated), why should that matter as long as the sex is good? If an attractive swinger wants to play with you because he/she likes your bubble butt or admires your bulging biceps, why would that person's motivation matter to you?

 

If you desire me you can have me. I don't need the reason:lol:

 

Unfortunately we are not uncomplicated or as open-minded as we are led to believe.

 

I wish good sex was easy.

 

It's hard to base how we choose our play partners. Is it a look? A style of dress? First impressions of course. We all have our little something we want to do or like to do. I have a list of things that will attract me to you. Lingerie, brunettes, Asian, African-American, Latina, Woman breathing, oh god the list is so long!!! What will it be tonight? Someone get me the menu.

 

In the end what matters is do we play or not?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Good question, Greg & Sheryl. For me, if someone's attracted to me (and I to them) and we have good (hopefully great) sex, then so be it! I could care less whether it's because if my big ole' behind, the gap between my teeth, or my southern accent.

 

=)

 

 

Wooooo Hooooo, You have a gap between your teeth:lol: It's dessert time:facelick:

 

Ya'll come back ya hear!

[MRnMSbhaven 45]

or my southern accent. =)

 

Did I mention I have a thing for a southern accent?

 

Ms B

[sexcupid 809]

We can understand wanting to be appreciated as a total person when it comes to vanilla relationships, but when it comes to something as uncomplicated as recreational sex (at least it's supposed to be uncomplicated), why should that matter as long as the sex is good? If an attractive swinger wants to play with you because he/she likes your bubble butt or admires your bulging biceps, why would that person's motivation matter to you?

 

Honestly, I don't care what their motivation is. We're all here for some reason or another. Variety is a commonly stated theme, and that's fine. Variety is the spice of life and all that rot. lol

 

I guess my thing is I don't have to KNOW why you picked me only that you did. If I want to be deluded into thinking that it was my sparkling personality or my amazing dance moves that convinced you...well let me be deluded.

 

It's more of a respect issue on some level and I like to feel respected. I mean, I just can't see myself removing the filter long enough to say to potential partners, 'I'm looking for a guy with a 9" dick that can fuck for hours, don't fit that bill? Too bad so sad. Next!'

 

We can limit ourselves by our preferences and potentially miss out on good experiences.

 

So if you pick me because you like big girls, or big boobs, or whatever your kink is...I don't care, I just don't necessarily need to hear those words out of your mouth. They are a total turn off to me and I will move on. JMHO.

 

Maria

[sweet_tna 680]

Wooooo Hooooo, You have a gap between your teeth:lol: It's dessert time:facelick:

 

Ya'll come back ya hear!

 

I shore do, darlin'! I even brush 'em!

 

=)

[sweet_tna 680]

Did I mention I have a thing for a southern accent?

 

Ms B

 

Well bless your heart! Too bad ya'll live sooooo far away!

 

What's funny is Mr. Sweet can do a better redneck drawl than me, and he was born and raised in PA.

 

=)

[goindown692010 15]

mmmm..southern accent...

 

oh yea..the post...so basically (in my opionion) what determines it for me and my partner is the first impression.... 1. Attraction

2. Personality

3. um..boobs...lol

4. southern accent

[iapr 24]

Who told you recreational sex was uncomplicated and what was it that they were smoking?

 

The truth is anything having to do with attraction and desire and preference can at times be very complicated and messy. The key isn't so much the attraction and desire in and of itself but whether it is shared and accepted by the two parties involved.

 

I would not blame a person at all if he/she was deeply offended if someone came up to them and said that they had always wanted to be with someone of that race and they were wanting to make that a check off. Nor would I necessarily blame them if they said, "well now is your chance, lets go!"

 

The difference is if they are ok with that rationale or not. If you are ok with it then go for it but if it bothers you for whatever reason you can always take a pass.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Personally, when I'm picking I can't say that there is any one thing but it is the person as a whole... it may be their looks, which can later be overridden when they open their mouth... or it may just be the attitude they display. I admit it I am quite often attracted to bald guys with goatees (the only facial hair I really like). Now just because I'm attracted to him based on that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with him, but if he is dressed decent and can keep his mouth shut so as to not show that his personality sucks, he might get lucky! LOL.

 

For me, I know a lot of guys have a thing for redheads and it does rub me the wrong way when people make that statement as if that's all I am - a redhead. Honestly, I can deal with people liking me for my big boobs way easier than I can for my red hair. I know it makes no sense.

[socolais 696]

For me, I know a lot of guys have a thing for redheads and it does rub me the wrong way when people make that statement as if that's all I am - a redhead. Honestly, I can deal with people liking me for my big boobs way easier than I can for my red hair. I know it makes no sense.

 

I should probably keep my mouth (or keyboard) shut here, but some physical features are reasonable indicators of likely individual behaviors. Sure they may be generalities and people are who they are as individuals first, but there ARE dominant patterns and they're reliable enough to have a closer look. I'm attracted to ladies with natural red hair and there's a BIG difference when the color comes out of a bottle. But individual features are not enough to "seal the deal" - the real question is would they be fun in bed.

 

On the other side of that, I rarely tell a person why I may feel attracted to them and I don't recall hearing that from others either. Knobby knees and balding scalp have to be points of interest for someone..........

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I should probably keep my mouth (or keyboard) shut here, but some physical features are reasonable indicators of likely individual behaviors. Sure they may be generalities and people are who they are as individuals first, but there ARE dominant patterns and they're reliable enough to have a closer look.

 

Would this be "red in the head, fire in the bed!" ?

 

i admit it I'm a redhead through and through and I have a temper to prove it, I do get a little wild and crazy and sometimes I'm even insane.... see told ya I'm a redhead.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Great topic!

 

I feel that many people make this much harder then it has to be. I have also seen that many people seem to try to find a reason to be offended.

 

If you are a bbw, skinny, tall, short, what ever and someone is attracted to you because of it I think it is great, they are attracted because that is you. Be it the red hair, the big boobs or that you like hockey. It is still you!

 

People in general seem to like to make life much harder then it has to be.

 

Can swinging be easy and fun for the recreational sex? Yes it can be and the only thing I smoke comes out of a Marlboro box.

 

Keep it simple. Drama and BS gets you nowhere fast.

[Guest screaminggood]

It doesn't matter to me, and I choose a lot of different men and women to play with. I openly admit I'm politically incorrect in how and who I choose. For instance, I don't just enjoy black men because of their skin color. They tend to live up to their reputation...they take good care of themselves, and oh, do they know how to take good care of a woman! It's what I think we can do together that attracts me, and so far, no one has let me down...We've seriously had the discussion::::IS THERE A PLAYBOOK THAT BLACK MEN HAVE THAT WHITE GUYS AREN'T ALLOWED TO SEE???? How do they consistently have stamina and pleasing behaviors???

 

It doesn't bother me that people consider it a fetish, or racist...as long as I'm not insulting the man that I'm with...and so far, they haven't ever seemed disappointed?!

[havefuninsun 122]

I don't think recreational sex should be difficult. But I know it can be.

 

I know attraction is a fickle thing. I rarely just see a guy and say "MAN! I'd do him." I like at least a little conversation. I like to LIKE the guy I'm banging. That's just me.

 

I haven't found any race or height or size to be better or worse lovers. They've all been fun in their own right (In other words, I'm not sure what screaminggood is talking about).

 

I was recently talking to a male friend. He made the comment (and I'm paraphrasing) that he thinks men who swing must be good lovers, because their goals are to please their partners. I like his attitude, and I like his kisses. I'm sure there are some swinging men out there who aren't interested in pleasing their partners, only after a nut. But I haven't experienced that.

[des1re06 200]

If you like us both and are not stoned or drunk outta your mind, then you've got a very good chance of having sex with one or both of us.

 

Do we have our favorite attributes? Sure, but that doesn't exclude anyone not in that category. There have been many times when personality outweighed looks.

[sweet_tna 680]

Would this be "red in the head, fire in the bed!" ?

 

i admit it I'm a redhead through and through and I have a temper to prove it, I do get a little wild and crazy and sometimes I'm even insane.... see told ya I'm a redhead.

 

 

I'd like to think so, Julie! I'm a strawberry blonde, and since "blondes have more fun" and "redheads drive men crazy", I get to do both!

[good times 991]

For me, I know a lot of guys have a thing for redheads and it does rub me the wrong way when people make that statement as if that's all I am - a redhead. Honestly, I can deal with people liking me for my big boobs way easier than I can for my red hair. I know it makes no sense.

Whew! You had me worried their for a second. While I don't dislike red hair, it doesn't do anything special for me, but I sure do like boobies.

 

Knowing me, you probably could have guessed that though.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Be it the red hair, the big boobs or that you like hockey. It is still you!

 

 

ah but the difference is that you know I'm all 3... and I'm never going to live that hockey game down!

[sexcupid 809]

I have also seen that many people seem to try to find a reason to be offended.

 

Personally I don't try to look for ways to be offended...sometimes it just happens.

 

Like the hotel party we went to the other night. There were lots of us standing outside on the balcony chatting and I hear I guy off to my right say something about me being pregnant...and I know he's into his cups...and I hear someone else warn him off and say...'you know, you don't say that to someone unless you are very sure.'

 

I also got the pregnant comment from one of the owners of the club we went to on NYE.

 

Now for the record: I am NOT pregnant...and if I were I wouldn't be swinging (just my own personal preference). But hey maybe where they're from pregnant women make a habit of drinking half a bottle of rum...rotflmao

 

Did I go off on these folks? Um, no. Did it put a bit of a damper on my evening...you betcha. The one I chalked up to having a little too much to drink (and a comment wasn't aimed at me specifically...it was just overheard and he had enough sense to heed the advice given to him)...the other was well meaning (he said something about not wanting to cause a tripping hazard with balloons on the floor and I should be careful in my 'condition') but still was a tad uncomfortable when I made him aware that I wasn't.

 

So...in part it's not so much looking for times to be offended, but people not necessarily thinking things through before opening their mouths. On the other hand...it has motivated me to get to the gym an extra day or two a week.

 

Drama and BS gets you nowhere fast.

 

Agreed!

[Spoomonkey 421]

I think a lot of it has to do with what you are looking for. If you are looking for a hook up and nothing else - then who cares? But if you are looking for more - perhaps the chance to develop a friendship - then knowing that someone likes you on a one-dimensional level can be a turn off.

 

Personally, we like to think that the people who want to play with us find us attractive first, but they see beyond that and like the people we are.

 

I know - it is a lot to ask for - and we don't always ask for it. In fact, we've come very close at times to just giving up on the whole notion of "friendship" all together. But, if you are looking for more than "tonight" motive is a big part of the equation.

 

Spoomonkey

[Pepper & Drew 384]

This is a big one for me. I don't want to hear that doing a black chick is on your"to do" list. I don't really care what their actual motive is, but for gosh sakes, don't treat me like a Disney ride and that all I am is my skin color.

 

A few years ago, in a thread that I'm too lazy to look up, I went round and round with someone over this very topic. The bottom line is, if you want to play with certain people because of some physical attribute, it's best not to focus only on that attribute when you're chatting them up. You might find yourself ending the night still wishing to mark that off your list because you've turned the person off.

 

Pepper

[The Fuse 1,012]

This is an interesting question. I was wondering recently about it myself. Why do some people get taken aback by this type of thing, and some don't?

 

I think part of why some people get offended might have a lot to do with whether they have an aversion to being identified by their physical characteristics. I suppose that is obvious. Perhaps if they feel un-selfconscious about being black /BBW /redheaded /large-breasted, and aren't looking for much more than casual sex, then it would be fine to be sought out for that one thing. But if they are sensitive about it, or are looking for a deeper relationship, then perhaps they would rather it be ignored in favor of who they are as a whole person. It could also simply be tiresome to always hear the same thing over and over, like what Pepper seems to have experienced. Sorry, Pepper!

 

I am just flailing here. I don't have any unusual physical characteristics that set me apart, so I can't identify. Am I on the right track?

[lovinher 505]

So it's NOT ok to tell a redhead you like redheads?

 

 

Personally, when I'm picking I can't say that there is any one thing but it is the person as a whole... it may be their looks, which can later be overridden when they open their mouth... or it may just be the attitude they display. I admit it I am quite often attracted to bald guys with goatees (the only facial hair I really like). Now just because I'm attracted to him based on that doesn't mean I'm going to have sex with him, but if he is dressed decent and can keep his mouth shut so as to not show that his personality sucks, he might get lucky! LOL.

 

For me, I know a lot of guys have a thing for redheads and it does rub me the wrong way when people make that statement as if that's all I am - a redhead. Honestly, I can deal with people liking me for my big boobs way easier than I can for my red hair. I know it makes no sense.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

So it's NOT ok to tell a redhead you like redheads?

 

 

I'm sure it depends on the redhead... I just don't like feeling like someone is attracted to me only because I'm a redhead. It makes me feel like "well... I have a thing for redheads and you're the only redhead in the room so you win by default".

 

After all i have at least 3 things going for me.... red hair, big boobs and i like Hockey! (as Lee was so good to point out).

[absingleman 178]

Its entirely depends on context. I used to frequent the Black Man-White Wives parties, but I always made it a point to know a few of the people attending personally on some level before I accepted an invitation. Its funny how that can be a turn off to some people. Usually I do manage to start a drinking buddies relationship with the husbands and other men. Not really friends, but they weren't shy about asking me to fix their cable or their televisions at my friends and family rate instead of my hourly rate. In those situations I knew that I was simply fulfilling a fantasy for that evening and that being the available black man wasn't the only thing they thought about me. They may act that way for that evening, but how you act and how you behave are two different things.

 

I have been approached by couples in the past where they simply were looking for a black man and any black man would do. They scare me and I avoid them. One, they are usually people that wouldn't associate with me on a daily basis. Two, they really would hook up with anyone and I stopped doing that when I was 19 (did I tell you the story about the time I woke up with the WWWWRRRRROOOONNNNGGGG woman after I had too much to drink the night before? Not a swinger story but still scary LOL). Third, they don't even try to pretend they want to even know my name, let alone if I'm a some kind of maniac axe murderer psychopathic serial rapist with a taste for fluffy bunny rabbit slippers in the middle of winter(can't be too sure about people that don't seem concerned about their own safety).

 

I really don't get offended that easily anymore when people say they are not interested. I'm a single guy. Getting rejected is something I experience everyday, and not just sexually. Being offended doesn't happen that much anymore. But it is a real turn-off when someone I don't know wants to be with me just because I'm black, or an ex-soldier, or a guitarist/saxophonist/lyricist, or a poet. But someone that wants to be with me for any combination of those things will be better received when they focus on one but acknowledge the others.

 

Funny, I've never met a woman that actually wanted to have sex with me because I'm an electronics technician. Unless not being able to pay the bill counts.

[Tia Vampire 167]

For us, the LS is all about getting to know other in the LS and getting to share in another's couple sex life. We try not to just want a couple for one thing. Which is hard sometimes. As long as they have a great personality, teeth, and aren't very over weight, we may get along great. We are not quick to jump into bed with a couple. We would like to get to know the couple first. We have gone to the club and been with couples on the first meet up, but that was because we both were attracted to the couple which only happens once in a blue moon.

 

I think if we were looking for a poly relationship, then we would look for more than just a great personality. There is a difference in our ideal couple and a couple that we meet at a club. At a club, you have to work with what the club has to offer or nothing at all.

[cocpl2007 170]

We can't speak for the general (most) lifestyle couples, it does seem that recreational sex without anything other than sexual magnetism would have the opportunity to be motive-free.

 

In our situation we have crossed into a different venue. We are no longer interested in the "just sex" lifestyle. So consequently "motive" may be of more interest because of the developing friendship, it seems that there would necessarily have to be a similar motive/s to nurture a friendship until everyone loses their clothes...repeatedly. There would have to be a similar and shared desire to have more than recreational sex. We have to share something besides the desire to sexually play with each other, is that the "motive" which you are describing?

 

If it s a "nice butt" or "great breasts" or some other wonderful and desired piece of anatomy, it doesn't seem that it would make any difference to the budding friendship. Also it does seem that he male gender is much more adaptable in that regard, but not looking to pick a fight here...we do seem to be much more "basic".

[SCcpl40 74]

Neither one of us are analytical, we're more of believers of fate. We became attracted to each to other because of physical and personality differences, so why wouldn't we approach couples in the lifestyle the same way. If a couple comes on to us, we're not thinking about a motive, we're just happy to be on someone's dance card.