A Threesome, how to get the wife interested

[TheGreatRaja 15]

I'm 44 and my wife 43. We have been married for almost 13 years. I have been talking to people on other boards and come to the conclusion I would like to introduce my wife to another person in the bed room. Haven't at the point decided on either a MFM or a MFF.

 

I have brought the subject up to the wife and her normal response is: No... Not in this life time ... or other such negative responses.

Last night she said that she wouldn't consider it because it you 'Violate the Sanctity' of our marriage..

 

So tell me, since my wife is very straight-laced and all is there any chance I could change her mind, or am I wasting my time even discussing it with her?

[TNT 1,155]

Discussing anything with your wife/SO is never a waste of time...but, badgering someone to try something they don't want to...not good.

 

Your question is definitely one we see a lot around here. Here's a few links to other threads.

 

Question about starting wife in MFM

 

How can I convince my wife to have sex with other man or couple

 

Any Men Whose Wives Refuse to Even Consider Swinging?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

So tell me, since my wife is very straight laced and all is there any chance I could change her mind, or am I wasting my time even discussing it with her

 

Nothing wrong with trying to discuss it with her, but you aren't going to change her mind for her. She will have to do that herself.

 

You can bring it up occasionally, and see if the reaction changes. Don't force the issue though, unless you want to ensure she digs in and becomes hostile to the conversation.

[TheGreatRaja 15]

thanks... granted, I seem to be stymied by how to respond to the Sanctity of Marriage comment.

[VegasLee 1,486]

No... Not in this life time ... or other such negative responses.

 

Just for info. In this Lifestyle no means NO, even when it comes from your wife.

 

This is not something she wants to do. This Lifestyle is NOT for everyone.

 

You should accept that.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Welcome to the Swingers Board Raja.

 

Do you think you could be honest with your wife and tell her, because you value the sanctity of your marriage yourself. This is just something you are curious about. How we feel, and why this actually goes with the sanctity of our marriages.That your just trying to learn something in your life about this. Tell her about this web site and you just want to explore ideas from people like us. Things like how we communicate about issues we have that also overlap in the vanilla life as well.

 

It's better to show your honesty about what you are doing, and just ask if learning and exploring with honest intentions is o.k.? Show her you have nothing to hide.

[Scott & JoAnn 21]

TheGreatRaja said:

So tell me, since my wife is very straight laced and all is there any chance I could change her mind, or am I wasting my time even discussing it with her

 

Never say never, but in your case I'd say you have no chance and you are wasting you time.

[iapr 24]

thanks.. granted I seem to be stymied by how to respond to the Sanctity of Marriage comment

 

First off you can not get someone interested in swinging and it sounds like your wife's core beliefs are not conducive to any kind of meaningfull dialog about anything other than traditional monogamous marriage. Statements like, "not in this lifestime," are pretty black and white and don't leave much room for interpretation.

 

The only reason I am responding at all is because my wife and I have made comments like this to each other at various points in our marriage yet here we are.

 

So to address the comment you made here I will mention this. I don't see swinging as violating the santity of our marriage at all but rather it is just one small piece of our overall sexual dynamic as a couple. In other words it is just a part of our maritial sex life. We have a normal martial sex life just like anyone else out there but every now and then we include other people into the bedroom and that just provides some extra excitement and stimulation to our sexual experience. When we have an encounter we are making love to each other as a married couple, there just happens to be another married couple there providing a little extra stimulation for us and we do the same for them.

 

So to get back to your original question, I would lay million to one odds that you will not be doing any swinging and that if you were to keep pestering her about it you may even end up in divorce court.

 

There is a reason that 99.9999999999% of the earths population are nonswingers and strong core beliefs that monogamy is the only appropriate form of sexual expression is one of the main reasons for that.

[sweet_tna 680]

You can lead your spouse to swinging, but you can't make 'em swing.

 

=)

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

TheGreatRaja said:

thanks.. granted I seem to be stymied by how to respond to the Sanctity of Marriage comment

 

That is an answer you are going to have to discover on your own. How do YOU answer the question of does this violate the sanctity of your marriage?

 

There are many threads on this topic here, but here is one you might find interesting:

 

My mom knows we're swingers: How do we deal with being found out?

[Spoomonkey 421]

I don't think anyone here is going to be able to tell you how to "get her past" her resistance. She feels how she feels - and most men around here didn't "talk" their wives into it.

 

The first step is really respecting her. Start there. You'd be surprised by just how much respecting her will accomplish. It will give her the freedom and confidence to talk you about the things she really wants. Who knows - you may end up in threesomes, or at a BDSM club with whip marks, or on some beach somewhere watching her para-sail.

 

Women really do want to live life to the fullest - when they feel like they can do so without undue pressure form their husbands who - of course - want lots of sex. Your trick is to find out what "life to its fullest" means to her.

 

If it turns out being threesomes, come back and tell us!

[varangian 1]

So tell me, since my wife is very straight laced and all is there any chance I could change her mind, or am I wasting my time even discussing it with her

 

This is a problem you share with me and many other guys. Perhaps we are to clumsy in our approach - Casanova or some other great expert at seduction might have more success. Many women must be coaxed into new sexual activities, but swinging is a bit extreme, and it will take time - and admirable perseverance - to get her to change her mind. In the end our girls might realize that we are worth a treat - so don´t let´s give up! V

[JoeCentralNY 15]

Scott & JoAnn said:

Never say never, but in your case I'd say you have no chance and you are wasting you time.

 

Raja,

Great questions....only time will tell. And communication is key. I haven't swung yet, but my wife started out VERY straight laced and has made great "progress."

 

Don't let negative responses get you down. You don't know who is responding from their computer and they may be a lonely, relationshipless person who is just posing as a swinger -- complete with pics and a b.s. story. There are more than a few of them here. You'll see how defensive they get!

 

Always have hope, keep things fun and most importantly enjoy the ride (pun intended).

[volunteerguy 16]

I am in the same situation. My wife is very sexy 36DDs Hot Body we watch movies together and she has toys and we are going to Desires a lifestyle resort but she want commit to playing with others. Hoping Desire trip will change her approach to the idea.

 

We both will keep proding our mates.

[LFM2 1,482]

We both will keep proding our mates.

 

Ummmm... Do you really think that prodding your wives is in your best interest? That's almost forcing them into something that they DO NOT want to do.

 

How about you show them this board?? Have them read some posts and ask some questions if they have some. Then, they are going at it at their own speed. You're not forcing them, and you're not prodding them.

 

[TheGreatRaja 15]

I'm still working on it. not much luck yet

[Erospartnership 15]

All I did was got some one to seduce her. Told her honesty was the most important thing to me. When she came home and told me he was showing interest I asked her lots of questions around what it felt like being appreciated. She liked it, so I suggested that she continue, after all no harm was being done. The problem you have is that you are in the land of theory.

[oddcouple 17]

A number of years ago I, like most men, dreamed of a threesome between myself and two women. I finally had this conversation with my wife, in fact let her know a threesome between myself, her and another man would be okay if she wanted. She said "not interested". We did start to talk about swapping at that time, but she didn't think she could have sex with another man.

 

My surprise was that when it came up again, she admitted she was turned on by the thought of me doing another woman and her watching. She got with a single friend of hers and helped make this happen. A little while after I finished with her friend, my wife and I had the hottest sex ever between us until that date.

 

A while down the road the conversation came up again, both threesomes and swapping. I really wanted her to experience something new, because I had been able to (we've been married a long time). Eventually we met up with some friends from our past that we thought were swingers. Turns out they were (of course my wife was the one to figure that out). So we began to swing with them. The rest is history.

 

Your wife will either be into it or not. Lots of communication, honesty and trust needed in the relationship.

[lustylearning 705]

The words "sanctity of marriage" in response to the idea of swinging imply, to me, that your wife holds a core belief, probably ingrained by religion, which will supersede any fantasy you throw out. As long as your wife believes that there is something wrong with sex outside of marriage, it probably won't happen. You cannot force a spiritual evolution. I agree with one of the previous writers that the only position you can work from is one of respecting her stance. You don't have to agree, but you must respect. If you can fully respect her and the boundaries that you began your marriage with, then she may get to the point where she feels comfortable enough to consider playing outside of the box, or she may not. If you wish to keep your marriage intact, then you must settle for that.

 

On a side note, if your wife has no interest in swinging, why are you browsing swinger sites? Aren't you sabotaging yourself by focusing on something you can't have?

[sam15a 15]

"There is a reason that 99.9999999999% of the earths population are nonswingers and strong core beliefs that monogamy is the only appropriate form of sexual expression is one of the main reasons for that."

 

A lot of people practice serial monogamy and many more engage in cheating. Swinging - enjoying other sex partners without the marriage bond or the cheating - is clearly getting more popular all the time. That's why I'm doubting the statistics you are quoting. "The times, they are achanging"! This is specially true with the newer generations and due, at least in part, to the (welcome) gradual loss of religious influence in the Western world.

[trapper 27]

Tell her of how much enjoyment and erotic stimulation she could have from the experience of not two hands searching her body but four. Leave it as for her to think about but with love. The whole idea here is love for your mate and enhancing it. Hey, if she is turned off to it say no more.

[ERICANDANN1 23]

I would tell her that the sanctity of your marriage is still in tact and always will be. For my wife and I she was kind of floored the first time that I brought the idea up and then the usual insecurities kicked in from her like "am I not good enough for you" to "why would you want to see me with another man" etc. etc. What I told her which is the truth is that I love her very deeply and that we have a rock solid marriage and that Swinging would be a lot of fun. It would give us a chance to make good friends with people and I told her that I love her so much that I want to see her pleasured in every way possible. She and I have an unbelievable sex life together but, it would be very arrogant of me to think that I am the end all be all. We are both straight so my wife and I have our rules and they are that we will do Full Swap, Soft Swap Same room and we will do MFM threesomes and FMF threesomes because neither of us is bi or bi curious. The question that you really have to ask yourself is... Does your marriage have a rock solid foundation to tolerate what happens in swinging and can you truly witness and see your wife in every intimate position imagineable with another man or woman? Then to flip it around is can your wife withstand watching you pleaure another woman in every way imagineable? You have to get into swinging for all of the right reasons. This lifestyle is not for the faint hearted and it certainly is not for anyone who is jealous. I hope this helps.

[NJCouple 16]

My husband never asked me for a 3-some and many years ago, I would not have considered it. What he did do is share his fantasies without any pressure. We would read each other stories from Penthouse Variations or Forum that made us hot to fantasize about. His often included threesomes. We watched x-rated movies again often containing threesomes and as he got hot during these things, he would make me hot as well. Eventually, I would choose the stories or movies with 3-somes. LOL. For our tenth anniversary, I set up a MFM on our vacation. That was before the computer age and finding swingers became easy. We didn't swing again for 15 years. He started looking for swinger sites and introduced me to this board. I read the posts voraciously. Then, he found some of the sites like SLS. We signed up just to look. We went to a hotel party on vacation and were hooked. LOL. I doubt I would have been ready earlier. Our relationship is so strong after 26 years and I have the utmost confidence and trust in my husband. When I was younger, I was very possessive and jealous. It took some maturity on my part and confidence to not only accept, but to enjoy the lifestyle. Your partner and her comfort should be your priority. My husband would have been content for us to share the fantasies, but is thrilled that we can now live them. Mrs. NJcouple

[kate_and_ray 15]

Spoomonkey said:

I don't think anyone here is going to be able to tell you how to "get her past" her resistance. She feels how she feels - and most men around here didn't "talk" their wives into it.

 

The first step is really respecting her. Start there. You'd be surprised by just how much respecting her will accomplish. It will give her the freedom and confidence to talk you about the things she really wants. Who knows - you may end up in threesomes, or at a BDSM club with whip marks, or on some beach somewhere watching her para-sail.

 

Women really do want to live life to the fullest - when they feel like they can do so without undue pressure from their husbands who - of course - want lots of sex. Your trick is to find out what "life to its fullest" means to her.

 

If it turns out being threesomes, come back and tell us!

This is my first post as I am a newbie (no experiences yet) but we just attended our first swing club event this weekend. I totally agree with Spoomonkey because I freaked out when my husband even discussed swinging with me. Since then I have become a lot more sexually adventurous.

[ross_sally 9]

NJCouple's experience is how ours transpired, up to the point of actually swinging. She gets close, then backs off. I'm fine with waiting until it's right for her.

[TheGreatRaja 15]

Things have started to shift a bit... I think.

 

We are planning to meet a couple of women (one is Bi and the other Bi-Curious) in a couple weeks for a Meet and Greet so here's hoping. At least we can talk about it

[TNT 1,155]

Would you care to share how things have changed in the past few months? From your first post in this thread, you said you wife was saying "no"; now you two are planning to meet a couple of women...what changed her mind?

 

Teresa

[TheGreatRaja 15]

well to tell the truth I am not 100% sue how it happened. I have been talking to these two ladies on another board (for Erotica) for some time. (With the wife knowing about it) and we had become friends and they decided to come out to meet with me and the family. I have been trying to get her to explore her kinky side and try a 3sum. If it happens it happens if not we'll still have fun.

 

The Bi-Curious is married and able to play outside the marriage so i am hoping she can talk my wife into releasing the clamps just a bit. Both women we are going to spend time with are open about their sex lives and choices. Should prove to be a interesting weekend. I'll keep you posted

[imsherona2 15]

This is a good thread and one I ran into a few years ago with my now ex...I have a dear friend who is very active in the lifestyle and he, on occasion, would bring me newsletters and such to take home and talk to my husband about becoming "active" in the community....well each and every time he threw the newsletter across the room, said to me "if you think that is something you want to do, go ahead and go, but count me out, I am not going to stand by and watch someone else "f--k my wife". My response was always the same, "I am not going to go without you".

 

So, I can tell you from my experience, if it's NO, it's NO...and nothing I could have done or said would have changed his mind. Fortunately for me, he is now my ex...and I have been with my SO for a few years and WE do enjoy the lifestyle!

 

You can't force someone to do something they really don't want to do and I would think you wouldn't want to anyway!!

[miacpl30 18]

We have been trying to explore swinging and or a threesome for several years. We dabbled a few years ago on sdc and met a few couples for dinner but never got past that stage. We were overwhelmed with work and family and took time off when it wasn't even discussed. I recently brought up a ffm threesome and slowly its in the works for the next few weeks. I think asking nicely regularly can help but dont nag. I think you need to go over ground rules because there are always things that will surprise you etc. Will let u know how it turns out.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

I have been talking to people on other boards and come to the conclusion I would like to introduce my wife to another person in the bed room. I have brought the subject up to the wife and her normal response is, "No... not in this lifetime,"... or other such negative response. Last night she said that she wouldn't consider it because it you 'Violate the Sanctity' of our marriage. So tell me, since my wife is very straight laced and all is there any chance I could change her mind, or am I wasting my time even discussing it with her

Every now and then, we get emails and instant messages from married men asking how they can get their wives into swinging. A common complaint is about how conservative the wives are when it comes to sexual experimentation. This complaint always baffles us. Before marriage is the proper time to find out how sexually open someone is. While others may have done so successfully, it's unreasonable to expect to convert a straight-laced spouse into the fulfiller of your every fantasy.

 

Regardless, we wish you the best of luck and we are anxious to read how this weekend's meet and greet went. However, we would like to pass on some advice to all of the single men who are currently in the lifestyle: if you want to continue swinging after getting married, make sexual open-mindedness a part of your criteria for chosing a wife.