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deriknmd

My gf cheated & her friend helped

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I am seeking advice on this situation.

 

My girl friend cheated on me with the help of her girl friend. The other women was someone we had a 3 some with in the past and behind my back hooked up with "other" men for sex.

 

This situation was about 3 years ago, my girl cheated on me by setting up to meet 2 men for sex over at her girl friend's house without me being involved. I don't know all the sorted details as to what actual activities were done between all parties, I just know that my gf wanted to be with 2 or more men at once. I found out about the situation after the fact by reading emails on her computer and confronting her.

 

We were both in the swing lifestyle together and I wasn't ready for her to be with 2 men at the same time. She felt compelled to do this only because I wouldn't let her do something sexually that she wanted.

 

In my eyes, she broke 2 of our "hard" rules when swinging.

 

#1 Go at the pace of the slowest person. (she was clearly frustrated at my slowness in the swing life where she wanted to get with other men)

 

#2 Do not go behind the other person's back to contact someone to "play" or whatever without the other person's knowledge or permission. (we had both played with this female in a 3some)

 

My gf and I broke up about a year ago because of the mis-trust and lack of communication as time when on after this situation. About 2 months ago we started seeing each other exclusively to try and rebuild what we lost (trust). I just found out recently that my gf still continues to be friends with this female. And yes, I've voiced my option that I don't care for this female.

 

I recently learned my gf and this other female both had hoped to clear the air from what happened in the past because the other female wants us "all" to hang out together now that she has a bf. While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to appologize over her involment in the incident.

 

 

I don't care to associate or to try to be friends with this female because of her indirect involement with helping my gf cheat on me. I told my gf (again) my feelings and that I do not care to be friends in any capacity with this female. Also I didn't like the fact that my gf is still friends with her.

 

My girl friend thinks I am "unfair" because if I should be mad at anyone....it should be with her and her alone. My girl friend feels that I am making her friend out to be the "bad person".

 

My girl friend has no intentions of droping this friend or "other" friends when I've voiced my feelings about them.

 

So my question is....

 

Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions?

 

I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me.

 

** Edit **

I forgot to add that when my gf and I got back together, it was to work on our relationship with each other and to work towards marriage.

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We don't any of them personally. You know them much better.

 

I believe you have already answered your question.

 

So my question is....

 

Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions?

 

I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me.

 

Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. She doesn't need your help or her girlfriends. Her girlfriend isn't a "bad person", just doing what she wants to too.

 

Now you have to decide if you are more important than the girlfriend. And if your girlfriend thinks so too.

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Wow this just seems to be a hard situation all around.

 

So from what I'm reading you have forgiven your girlfriend for cheating but not her friend for being a part of it? I can see how you could not want to spend time with the friend but I'm a little confused on why you would spend time with the girlfriend if you can't hang out with her newly attached friend?

 

From everything you have written it seems you are not over what she did to you so I really think you need to work on that first. Maybe tell your girlfriend that you prefer to work on your relationship with her and rebuild that trust before you start hanging out with other friends and couples together....

 

During this time you should also reconsider forgiving one but not the other. Your girlfriend's friend was not attached and did not cheat...your girlfriend on the other hand did....

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Wow this just seems to be a hard situation all around.

So from what I'm reading you have forgiven your girlfriend for cheating but not her friend for being a part of it?

 

Correct.

 

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I can see how you could not want to spend time with the friend but I'm a little confused on why you would spend time with the girlfriend if you can't hang out with her newly attached friend?

 

The friend is not new, they both have stayed friends after the situation. The reason why I want to spend time with my gf is because we both wanted to try to have a relationship....after our breakup.

 

 

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From everything you have written it seems you are not over what she did to you so I really think you need to work on that first. Maybe tell your girlfriend that you prefer to work on your relationship with her and rebuild that trust before you start hanging out with other friends and couples together....

 

We each were seeing others b4 we got back together. And when we got back together we said to keep "distractions" away from our work with our relationship. So she knows how I feel about this friend and she chooses to keep her as a friend.

 

 

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During this time you should also reconsider forgiving one but not the other. Your girlfriend's friend was not attached and did not cheat...your girlfriend on the other hand did....

 

That's correct, I forgive my gf for cheating, I don't forgive the friend and this only has raised doubt about trust.

 

I hope that helps.

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We don't know any of them personally. You know them much better.

 

Actually I don't really know the other female that well, we had a 3some once and that's the last I ever saw of her.

 

Quote

 

I believe you have already answered your question.

 

Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. She doesn't need your help or her girlfriends. Her girlfriend isn't a "bad person", just doing what she wants to too.

 

 

Yes, everyone can make their own decisions. Me personally, I would never help a so called friend do bad towards their partner..expecially if my actions would directly affect their relationship as it did ours. What does that say for the friends that we keep?

 

Quote

 

Now you have to decide if you are more important than the girlfriend.

 

And if your girlfriend thinks so too.

 

 

I really don't have to decide who is important in the matter because she/I should matter to each other and my SO has shown me who she thinks is.

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Wow. Hats off to you for even being willing to give your girlfriend another chance. I don't know that I'd have been able to in your situation.

 

I personally think that if your girlfriend really wants your relationship to work, she needs to (at least temporarily) say goodbye to this bad news friend of hers. If that gal is truly a friend, she'll apologize to both of you and back off until/unless she is welcomed back into your lives.

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sweet_tna said:
Wow. Hats off to you for even being willing to give your girlfriend another chance. I don't know that I'd have been able to in your situation.

 

I have to say "WOW" right back to you sweet_tna. Finally someone who "gets it" and I'm not saying that because you agree. I would agree and would do the same if the "tables" were reversed. I would tell my so called friend that I feel my relationship is just too important to allow someone else to come between us.

 

Thanks again.

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I would tell my so called friend that I feel my relationship is just too important to allow someone else to come between us.

 

 

You may have just answered your own question with that statement.

 

Maybe she is willing to give it another try but she might also not really be ready to settle down at this point so she is not going to start dumping her friends.

 

If this does not work out, she does not want to be without her friends. She also seems to want to include her friends in her relationship with you.

 

Not sure swinging is the thing for the two of you at this point. You now you have things to work out in the relationship and they are going to come up no matter who you are playing with outside of the relationship.

 

You both have hard choices to make. You feel you want to be back with her but on conditions that you make. She is giving it a try from what you say but she does not want your conditions.

 

Yes, hard decisions are going to have to be made by both of you and dragging them out is not going to make it any easier. Sit down, just the two of you and decide what you can both live with, or not.

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Well...good luck to you in rekindling your relationship.

 

The only thing I have an issue with is your comment about her not wanting to drop her friends that you do not like. Not just this girl, but others. THAT is a big red flag for me. The thing is, where friends are concerned, women get just as defensive over them as they do a relationship.

 

You can still 'focus' on building your relationship and possibly working towards marriage, but I don't think it's healthy to do that to the exclusion of the rest of your social circle.

 

From the situation that happened before, I don't doubt that you would be loathe to let your girlfriend have separate social time with this girl...and I wouldn't blame you. Obviously, that's when she was setting up these separate playdates. Maybe if you did do some socializing with this girl and her bf you could get to know her...as a person, not just the chick you banged in the threesome with your gf. I'm not saying be super-best-friends with her, but many people 'know' their SO's friends.

 

As for the 2 rules you state. Yes those are very common rules. Although, rule #2 could have been more explicitly stated 'No Cheating'.

 

As for pace of the slowest person...that's always a good rule to follow. But what was your agreement before inviting the other female over? 'If we do FMF, then I want to try MFM?' I could see potentially becoming frustrated if I followed through on my end of the deal and you got what you wanted, but then you weren't keen on holding up your end of the bargain. I don't think she went about it the right way...I mean, have you talked about why she did it? What were her reasons?

 

Good luck with this situation!

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Well, there is very little that I could add that Lee has not already said. And I am not sure I am totally up to speed on all the ins and outs of your story.

 

But... your GF cheated on you. Her friend was a party to it. You forgive your GF but have issues with her friend for, if I understand it, betraying you somehow?

 

I have to believe I have this totally bass-ackwards and apologize in advance. But, your relationship is not with her friend. You can't blame her friend for what she does. If you really forgive her, then let it all go. If you don't really, but will on the condition that she ditches her friend, then that's a totally different gig. And, I think, you have it backwards.

 

Really, her friend doesn't owe you anything. Her loyalty is to your GF. It is your GF who's loyalty is to you, and that was/is where the problem is. Your issue is with your GF only. Not her friends. Get it right with her.

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deriknmd said:
While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to apologize over her involvement in the incident.

Not getting an apology when you feel it is due has probably kept you from forgiving your girlfriend's friend. Don't wait around for it, don't expect it, just let it go.

 

If I was in your shoes I'd decide to give her a second chance and make an effort to know her and her boyfriend, not as playmates (in case you were considering that) but just as vanilla acquaintances.

 

I think the friends that your girlfriend chooses will tell you a lot about your girlfriend and will help you decide if she's the right girl for you.

 

Good luck.

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:welcome3: to board, first of all...

 

Secondly, I have to agree with graygo98. You really can't blame her friend anymore than you can blame your girlfriend. I can definitely see where you want to, but just a thought off my head -- do you think you might be afraid if she keeps this girlfriend, there could be a repeat of the same situation??

 

I definitely understand that you'd have problems trusting her with your girlfriend again, I know I would, but you can't control what your girlfriend does, you can't control what your girlfriend's friend does, but you can control what you do.

 

What you can do is talk with your girlfriend, and hopefully she is on the same page as you. If I were in your situation, I'd put a stop to all thoughts of swinging. Your relationship just doesn't sound strong enough. Keep talking and talk more. Above all, be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend.

 

This is all just my own opinion and just my $.02 worth. Good Luck to you two... I hope you work things out.

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deriknmd, I think you need to keep things simple. The simple solution is most often the best. If you accept the girl you must accept her nose, her left hand - and her friends. Another, even better, simple solution: find another girl. This one is not to be trusted.

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Where do either of you stand in the swinging lifestyle?

 

Do you live together?

 

Do you go to clubs or have playmates together ?

 

Do you have a personal ads together and date other couples together?

 

Or do you both agree to playing single and separate with boundaries?

 

I'm confused how any of this relates as swinging. It seems that your just trying to deal with the affair.

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fun4Ds said:
Where do either of you stand in the swinging lifestyle?

 

I'm confused how any of this relates as swinging. It seems that your just trying to deal with the affair.

 

Thanks for your questions, but if you re-read my original post you will see where I said we were both in the swing life. And the situation wasn't an affair, but a hookup sex.

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varangian said:
deriknmd, I think you need to keep things simple. The simple solution is most often the best. If you accept the girl you must accept her nose, her left hand - and her friends. Another, even better, simple solution: find another girl. This one is not to be trusted.

 

I would agree with you up to accepting my gf's friends. I can accept her and her family, but I really don't have to accept her friends. I guess if her friends were drug users, I should except that also? I don't think so.

 

Sure, I could find another girl also.

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We can do alot of what "if's". But we try to keep with the story at hand.

 

Again the question is: Do you want her? Does she want you? Does she want her friends? Do you want her friends?

 

Only ya'll can answer that and live with it. What ya gonna do?

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I would like to thank everyone for their comments on my situation. There seems to be a common theme by most to say that my beef isn't or shouldn't be with the friend.

 

Since I can't control my gf's choice of friends, I should let that part go and accept the fact that my gf isn't on the same page as me where this is involved. I'm still on the fence post on that but I did post here for your open comments and I thank you for the many different view points.

 

Bottom line is that if I have "accepted" my gf back and since I "trust" her...that's all that matters.

 

I do like the comment by "likeminds321":

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I think the friends that your girlfriend chooses will tell you a lot about your girlfriend and will help you decide if she's the right girl for you.

 

This has been the "core" value with me, a person's choice in friends tells you much about that person.

 

Thanks all.

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I'm going to take a little bit different approach here and address as what I see as what could be the real issue down the road.

 

I think the swinging and lifestyle issues are a bit of a red herring here and are masking what will really bite you in the ass if you get back together and marry this gal. What I think is the real issue here is your GF's insensitivity and selfishness. Let's face facts, she cheated on you and setting up a MFM behind your back is pretty darn over the top.

 

Then when you bitch about it and state you don't want to associate with her co-conspirators she says that it is YOU that is being "unfair." That's bullshit, you have every right in the world to be mad at everyone that took part in that and I do believe the one you should have the most issues with is your GF herself.

 

You had agreements and rules by which you were going to swing by and she broke them all and was completely disrespectfull and noncompassionate to you in the process. Her excuse was that you were moving too slow and she wanted something that you wouldn't "let" her do sexually.

 

Ok, so what makes you think that she isn't going to go out and so things in the future without your knowledge or consent just because she wants too? Lets put swinging aside for the moment. What are you gonna do when she wants a new car that you don't think you can afford at the moment and there is nothing wrong with the car she has now?

 

-What are you gonna do when she decides she wants kids and you aren't ready yet so she stops taking the pill without your knowledge or consent?

 

-What are you gonna do when she wants to take a caribean cruise with some of her single slut girlfriends so they can all get drunk and get some cock and you don't want her to?

 

-What are you gonna do when she takes out a second mortgage on the house without your knowledge to pay for a bunch of stupid shit that she doesn't need and can't afford?

 

-What are you gonna do when she plans all the holiday and vacation plans around her friends and family and doesn't consider any of your wants and needs.

 

- What are you gonna do when the day comes (and from how you described her that day WILL come) that she decides you just aren't fun enough for her anymore and she wants a new guy?

 

THESE questions are the ones you need to be asking yourself before you decide to get back with this chick!! Listen, she may be a very fun person and she may be the hottest thing in the sack since Jenna Jamison but issues like these are what makes or breaks a real relationship, not whether her friend is a dick or not.

 

It doesn't really matter if her friend is a dick or a creep, what is at issue is that it is your girlfriend that is showing you her true colors and her true colors are she is selfish, insensitive, disrespectfull and does very hurtfull things to you because she wants to do them and then she trys to blame you for it because you weren't "moving fast enough" and weren't ready to do them with her at the time.

 

There are 3 billion women out there and at least one of them will be a compassionate and respectfull person that would be honored to share your life with you and will move at your pace and will consider your feelings before taking any actions. Take the time and energy you have spent with this situation and use it to find a decent person you can share your life with that will treat you decently.

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Thanks for your questions, but if you re-read my original post you will see where I said we were both in the swing life. And the situation wasn't an affair, but a hookup sex.

I guess I didn't mean to imply that you are not in the (swing life) I read you post again. We play with singles and have learned allot from them as to what we really cant say we have experienced in our lives. (Being single) in the lifestyle. Sure we would have many things we could learn from them or even YOU.

The singles we play with are keepers that we have for long term friendships with now.It just turned out that way, such is life.

So we have to ask ourselves, what if we encountered you or your girlfriend, with your situation, as possible single playmates. I mean seriously what if we think your girlfriend is hot ? What if we think your girlfriends girlfriend is hot. Do you now not like us as well? In the (swing life)

 

It just seemed odd that if you are in the (swing life) together, I just didn't get how much you understood or at what level each of you were at then.

 

The main thing I didn't get is being in the swing life together (and presuming that you live together) how did this discovery or this (playing separately) come to light ? I cant think she accidentally left her screen open for you to accidentally find about about this.:confused:

 

That leaves me to think you hacked her mail.:nono: witch is another matter of trust in itself, and don't feel the need to go there, unless you are back together and you are still doing it.

 

Maybe we are not single but we respect our single playmates privacy, Who your girlfriend or your girlfriends girlfriend may be playing with, is really no concern to us. We are just in the (SWING LIFE)

 

It would actually be our concern about a females playmates disgruntled boy friend that would be a (moral) and a safety factor for us.

 

You are on a swingers discussion site with a relationship problem wanting to sort out your feelings about your girlfriends girlfriends trust issues.

 

Its a two sided blade you have here, We as a long term couple would actually be worried about encountering your troubles in a (swing life) situation.

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Can you kill them both and get away with it? LOL No, I guess you do something like that people point at you at cocktail parties! Not good! :)

 

But seriously, people don't change. I disagree with some of the comments. You are held responsible for the people with which you associate. Let her friend ask your GF to drive her to the bank, the friend robs the bank, gets back into the car and says "drive", they are both going to jail when they get caught. I fail to see the difference here, before anyone states "its not the same." You are guilty by associations. Remember what Mom used to say.....

 

You bent over backwards to try and take her back. She does not want to sever the relationship with someone she knows you HATE!? F&*K her and move on. There are plenty of us women that would appreciate a man that is so hooked on us and still let us play some!

 

Press your bet and move on. Show her what she lost once you are gone for good.

 

You dont have any kids together do you? If you do, ignore the above and do what you have to do to keep the kid(s) somewhat normal.

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OP, fun4ds raises some good questions that you might want ask yourself.

 

Also, I am still curious as to what the original arrangement was.

 

I guess in my mind (and others here will probably disagree), 1 event does not a swinger make. I have plenty of friends that have experienced a threesome, but they aren't swingers. It was more of a 'sounds fun, let's try it' thing.

 

Two people can look at the same thing and not see it the same way. You might have been viewing it as a potential lifestyle (or maybe you were viewing it as a one off event)...or maybe she viewed it as a one time only, tit for tat (you get the experience you want and I expect you to give me what I want in return and then we're done), or since you didn't seem to be willing to reciprocate in a timely enough manner...she just took the ball and ran with it.

 

As far as forgiveness....I cheated on my ex-husband. It hurt him alot. We decided to try to stay together. And he always made snarky comments about it, always threw it up in our arguements (women don't have the corner on that market you know lol ;) ), and was just an all around dick at times. For my part, I usually ignored the comments...but after he said something in front of my mom and kids for the hundreth time, she finally said, 'you either forgive her or you don't. if you can't keep from acting like this, then you obviously haven't forgiven her, then you need to move on. if you have, then you have to let go of it, the marriage won't survive.' And it didn't (of course, it took another year before we finally separated and another year after that for the divorce to become final).

 

I do not agree with charms123's remarks about trying to keep things 'normal' for the kids. It's not healthy for the kids to live in constant tension and fighting. (I lived that life with my own parents and ended up living with my grandmother.) I did not want my kids to have to deal with the same. Kids learn alot about how relationships work from their parents, if they think the fighting/yelling/etc is 'normal'...well, I'm not going to take the thread that far off track.

 

Again...good luck.

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sexcupid said:
I do not agree with charms123's remarks about trying to keep things 'normal' for the kids. It's not healthy for the kids to live in constant tension and fighting. (I lived that life with my own parents and ended up living with my grandmother.) I did not want my kids to have to deal with the same. Kids learn a lot about how relationships work from their parents, if they think the fighting/yelling/etc is 'normal'...

 

Point well taken. But if you can keep it together for the children and and try to make the marriage work, I would give that a try of course. If you and your spouse cuss, fight and threaten each other in front of the kids, then no, get out and be done with it. either way, the kids are going to be scared, no way around it. I guess what I meant is today its too easy to divorce, and couples do it without taking into account the concentric circles and what effect that has.

 

Sorry I too may have hijacked this thread. No more from me! :)

 

Thanks SexCupid for the counterpoint!

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Two thoughts:

 

1. I don't think it is surprising that you are having this trouble. Even though you two are each in the lifestyle, it sounds as though you are not in it together. You are not functioning as a couple, you are functioning as two singles who are both in the lifestyle. Until you learn to think and act as a couple, you're gonna have these kinds of problems.

 

2. Her friend who helped your gf cheat is your problem, not hers. You have to make the decision about it rather than pushing the decision off on your gf. She may choose to give up this friend or she may not, but that is not your choice, it is hers. You have to make the decision about what you will tolerate in your relationship and what you will not. If you will not tolerate the "friend" being in your gf's life, than perhaps this is not really the relationship you think it is.

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I say ditch her ass. I mean really - you've done your part. It wasn't even that you eventually wouldn't have progressed to the multiple guy thing - its that she *wasn't considerate enough to even wait*

 

Worse do you think she would have ever gotten around to telling you had you not found out on your own and confronted her? What then do you really have to go on now? Esp. if she's still associating with the same chic who aided in the first instance of cheating? I don't know your girl - or her friend, but based on the variables you've proved so far this equation adds up to = 1 is the magic number. Meaning you should be looking out for numero uno. If your girl can't accept why you aren't comfortable with her friend now - just wait until she repeats some of her old habits. You'll be equally as angry - but this time you'll only have yourself to blame.

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Hi,

 

Sorry to hear things took a turn for the worse..umm, in your mind. If we take "Blame" out of this picture, then we end up with "Your Set of Hard Rules". Your GF wanted to do something differently, you didn't want her to. You made a decision for yourself, your GF made a decision for herself. You can't force her "to do" or "not to do" something.

 

Now you have a situation because of your decision, not hers. Had you decided differently, you probably would not have this situation. Are you mad? If you are mad, then that also is your decision to be mad or upset.

 

What decisions are you going to make now concerning this situation?

 

Your GF is also responsible for her decision to be dishonest and go behind your back.

 

You don't need an apology from anyone, especially your GF's friend. That's a game of Blame and Expectation that will only lead to frustration on your part. This also lead to the Resentment-Resistance-Revenge cycle that diminshes any capacity to have power and control over yourself.

 

My guess right now is your GF is back with you in part (but not in whole) because she feels guilty for her decision.

 

The only way this relationship is going to work is if she decides not to cheat on you anymore or you decide to; 1. consider and either participate or 2. let her participate in having MMF sex.

 

She will decide to do it again. Even if you decide you do not want her to.

 

It's your decision.

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VegasLee said:
Yes, hard decisions are going to have to be made by both of you and dragging them out is not going to make it any easier. Sit down, just the two of you and decide what you can both live with, or not.

I think this is it in a nutshell. You're both going to have to be brutally honest with each other and yourselves. You know your girlfriend more than anyone on this board. Do you believe this circumstance a fluke/aberration, or indicative of future behavior? You said you've felt or voiced negative feelings about other friends of hers as well. Does she have any friends that you like? She should have come to you first with any frustration she might be feeling regarding not being able to have a MFM. I think you have a legitimate beef (going on your side of the story alone) that your trust has been severely diminished by the breaking of the rules to which you two agreed.

 

Even though the friend was an enabler, I think your major issue is with your girlfriend, and hers with you. Does she agree to abide faithfully by the rules you two make now? Do you believe her? If she has, it seems to me that your saying you would believe her more if she dumped this friend to prove it to you. I'm not sure that's fair to your girlfriend.

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These posts get too involved at times. In all honesty, I haven't read everyone's replies. But I've read much of the original poster's messages. I don't know what I am seeing, but I think I would say there's TOO MUCH I!

 

The tell is right in this sentence: "We were both in the swing lifestyle together and I wasn't ready for her to be with 2 men at the same time." In particular, "I wasn't ready for HER".

 

Your girlfriend's friend was indeed being a friend. She was willing to take a chance so that your girlfriend could experience something she wanted/desired. Your girlfriend couldn't get that support from you, so she turned to where she knew she could. (Granted, there might have been some ulterior motives on the part of the friend that would have also benefitted her.)

 

This kind of calls into question where you stand with your girlfriend? Are you going to be supportive of HER, or are you going to be the one who "isn't going to be ready"? And I'm NOT talking about sex! You mentioned "Marriage" (that I'll add with a capital "M"). You'll need to get a better idea of how the two of you are going to go through the rest of your lives before you start talking the "M" word. Right now, I'm not reading this. There's still too much, for lack of a better word, immaturity in your messages. Your girlfriend's friend should never have been the target for your dislike just because she was being supportive of her friend. That won't help in the long run.

 

Best of luck to you.

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Johnny One-Way, huh?

 

Others may disagree, but seems to me if you aren't ready for a MFM, you're not ready for a FFM either.

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On 2/28/2008 at 6:39 PM, deriknmd said:

I am seeking advice on this situation.

 

My girl friend cheated on me with the help of her girl friend. The other women was someone we had a 3 some with in the past and behind my back hooked up with "other" men for sex.

 

This situation was about 3 years ago, my girl cheated on me by setting up to meet 2 men for sex over at her girl friend's house without me being involved. I don't know all the sorted details as to what actual activities were done between all parties, I just know that my gf wanted to be with 2 or more men at once. I found out about the situation after the fact by reading emails on her computer and confronting her.

 

We were both in the swing lifestyle together and I wasn't ready for her to be with 2 men at the same time. She felt compelled to do this only because I wouldn't let her do something sexually that she wanted.

 

In my eyes, she broke 2 of our "hard" rules when swinging.

 

#1 Go at the pace of the slowest person. (she was clearly frustrated at my slowness in the swing life where she wanted to get with other men)

 

#2 Do not go behind the other person's back to contact someone to "play" or whatever without the other person's knowledge or permission. (we had both played with this female in a 3some)

 

My gf and I broke up about a year ago because of the mis-trust and lack of communication as time when on after this situation. About 2 months ago we started seeing each other exclusively to try and rebuild what we lost (trust). I just found out recently that my gf still continues to be friends with this female. And yes, I've voiced my option that I don't care for this female.

 

I recently learned my gf and this other female both had hoped to clear the air from what happened in the past because the other female wants us "all" to hang out together now that she has a bf. While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to appologize over her involment in the incident.

 

 

I don't care to associate or to try to be friends with this female because of her indirect involement with helping my gf cheat on me. I told my gf (again) my feelings and that I do not care to be friends in any capacity with this female. Also I didn't like the fact that my gf is still friends with her.

 

My girl friend thinks I am "unfair" because if I should be mad at anyone....it should be with her and her alone. My girl friend feels that I am making her friend out to be the "bad person".

 

My girl friend has no intentions of droping this friend or "other" friends when I've voiced my feelings about them.

 

So my question is....

 

Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions?

 

I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me.

 

** Edit **

I forgot to add that when my gf and I got back together, it was to work on our relationship with each other and to work towards marriage.

I feel what you’re saying on this one brother. The fact that she would help your girlfriend cheat on you I most definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth when you are in a couple setting because you know that she was deceitful. But now she wants to act like she wants to be your friend because of your girlfriend and their friendship because she has a boyfriend. I know damn well that she would think the same way if you would set her boyfriend up with two other females, she would not want to be around you because you helped her boyfriend cheat on her. It is clear a double standard from some of the other post. 

 

Now as to your girlfriend, I am sure she just wants to not lose her friend. Reminding us all that this friend was able to set up two men for her or more to have sex behind your back. And ultimately break up your relationship with your girlfriend because of trust issues. But at the same time you cannot control who she wants to be friends with but you can control your actions and whether you want to be with this girlfriend who is choosing her friend over your relationship. I know for myself and my wife here is shaking her head, she would not want one of my friends around that would help me cheat on her. There’s no way that she would be able to have a good feeling with them being around and hanging around and hanging out. Because she knows that they were willing to do something that would hurt our relationship.  So yes I agree with you that you should probably have to be the bigger man or you could just say I’m the boss and boss up and tell your girlfriend if she wants her girlfriend to be part of her life, so be it but I don’t wanna be around her or you could do the nuclear Option and just tell your girlfriend if you choose her over me, you already know where the door is because I showed it to you before.

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On 2/28/2008 at 9:55 PM, graygo98 said:

Well, there is very little that I could add that Lee has not already said. And I am not sure I am totally up to speed on all the ins and outs of your story.

 

But... your GF cheated on you. Her friend was a party to it. You forgive your GF but have issues with her friend for, if I understand it, betraying you somehow?

 

I have to believe I have this totally bass-ackwards and apologize in advance. But, your relationship is not with her friend. You can't blame her friend for what she does. If you really forgive her, then let it all go. If you don't really, but will on the condition that she ditches her friend, then that's a totally different gig. And, I think, you have it backwards.

 

Really, her friend doesn't owe you anything. Her loyalty is to your GF. It is your GF who's loyalty is to you, and that was/is where the problem is. Your issue is with your GF only. Not her friends. Get it right with her.

So you are telling him that You would be cool hanging out With someone that helped your wife or husband cheat on you.? I’m not saying this to be sarcastic but that just seem far-fetched. I know damn well I would not want a woman to be my wife’s friend if she helped her cheat on me even though it is my wife’s fault for doing it. As I’m getting slapped across the head by my wife by saying I would never do that:-) because how could you Trust this girlfriend to be around your girlfriend what do you know she’s not really your friend because she was capable of doing that dastardly deed.

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On 3/1/2008 at 6:08 PM, XenaNHammer said:

Two thoughts:

 

1. I don't think it is surprising that you are having this trouble. Even though you two are each in the lifestyle, it sounds as though you are not in it together. You are not functioning as a couple, you are functioning as two singles who are both in the lifestyle. Until you learn to think and act as a couple, you're gonna have these kinds of problems.

 

2. Her friend who helped your gf cheat is your problem, not hers. You have to make the decision about it rather than pushing the decision off on your gf. She may choose to give up this friend or she may not, but that is not your choice, it is hers. You have to make the decision about what you will tolerate in your relationship and what you will not. If you will not tolerate the "friend" being in your gf's life, than perhaps this is not really the relationship you think it is.

I disagree with what you were saying only because I think I understood what you wrote differently. The girlfriend that he is trying to make work again told him that she would like her girlfriend that helped her Cheat on your boyfriend to be friends and hang out and he is saying he doesn’t want to hang out with a girlfriend that helped his girlfriend cheat just because she has a new boyfriend and wants all four of them to be friends.

 

Now if OP Wanted to be a real jerk, he would entertain the idea if this set up her new boyfriend with a couple of girls behind her back and see if his girlfriends friend would want him to hang around with them.

 

Come on now, give this dude a break. Everybody in here knows damn well that if there was a friend that helped your significant cheat on you, you would not want a friend to be around if you tried to make your relationship work. !!!!!! this friend wants to be in twined in the relationship again, hang out buddies now that she has a boyfriend. I’m probably sure that her new boyfriend does not know that his girlfriend conspired and helped her girlfriend cheat on her boyfriend. I’m just saying I wouldn’t want nobody around if I’m trying to repair a relationship.

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