Wife's boyfriend's thoughts about my accepting them

[Guest rdy46227]

My wife and I have been together for about ten years, and there was a couple of years during this time when I was strongly involved with a secondary. She had a casual secondary (not the current BF) a few years back lasting several months.

 

I've know her current BF almost as long as she has (6 years). He and I get along well together, and since we first met, I've gone drinking with him off and on as part of a Friday after-work group.

 

All that time they have been good friends, often seeing each other in professional settings as well as socializing. 4 or 5 times they drew close and pulled back, "chickening out", until last fall when things really blossomed between them. He's had a few affairs but this is the first time he's played by the poly rules (his spouse knows and has even met me).

 

Our official policy is "you only have to tell the other what they need to know", but with this BF she's been giving me quite a lot of detail, especially information about him and his life situation. She also tells him a lot about us. From our personal contact as well as the indirect communication, I'd say he and I know a lot about each other.

 

Now he and she frequently get together on their own, and the three of us also do informal dates together (theater, museum, ball game, drinks), after which they go off together.

 

Often after we have a 3-way date, he asks her how I'm dealing with her having a BF, why I'm not upset/possessive/concerned -- in short, where is my head at over their affair. Sometimes it sounds like he can't understand my encouraging/enabling them, or like he's waiting for me to do something dramatic, or is trying to tease out some defect in the primary relationship.

 

Six years back he and she were off together at a conference, and she told him how I gave her freedom to choose to be with him. At first he may have considered it just a part of the dance between them. But in the following weeks back home we got to know each well as friends, and he saw we were real.

 

I even had a one-on-one sit-down conversation with him a few months ago, trying hard to put him at ease about how I feel towards them. I've explained how I grew into poly decades ago. I used illustrations from my history to tell why and how I've practiced it. He knows my (new age-ish) philosophy, and how it's absent customary religious and societal moralities. Intellectually, he seems on board.

 

But after size years of knowing us, something still must be bugging him.

 

I realize you all aren't mind readers, but any ideas why he might keep returning to the question of my accepting them having a secondary relationship?

[sexcupid 809]

But after size years of knowing us, something still must be bugging him.

 

I realize you all aren't mind readers, but any ideas why he might keep returning to the question of my accepting them having a secondary relationship?

 

So, his wife is not participating in any type of relationship outside of their marriage? Is she not open to that?

 

On the flip side...you mention that even after 6 years he basically keeps questioning 'why you allow this to happen'. Maybe that's because he can't fathom giving his wife the same freedom that he has, and he can't quite wrap his mind around why you can?

 

Honestly, I would just ask him why he keeps expecting the other shoe to fall (ie: drama). Although, since he and your wife are pretty chatty and tend to share life details...maybe she could turn the question on him after the next time the three of you get together?

[NumbskullsX2 24]

My wife and I have been together for about ten years, and there was a couple of years during this time when I was strongly involved with a secondary. She had a casual secondary (not the current BF) a few years back lasting several months.

 

I've know her current BF almost as long as she has (6 years). He and I get along well together, and since we first met, I've gone drinking with him off and on as part of a Friday after-work group.

 

All that time they have been good friends, often seeing each other in professional settings as well as socializing. 4 or 5 times they drew close and pulled back, "chickening out", until last fall when things really blossomed between them. He's had a few affairs but this is the first time he's played by the poly rules (his spouse knows and has even met me).

 

Our official policy is "you only have to tell the other what they need to know", but with this BF she's been giving me quite a lot of detail, especially information about him and his life situation. She also tells him a lot about us. From our personal contact as well as the indirect communication, I'd say he and I know a lot about each other.

 

Now he and she frequently get together on their own, and the three of us also do informal dates together (theater, museum, ball game, drinks), after which they go off together.

 

Often after we have a 3-way date, he asks her how I'm dealing with her having a BF, why I'm not upset/possessive/concerned -- in short, where is my head at over their affair. Sometimes it sounds like he can't understand my encouraging/enabling them, or like he's waiting for me to do something dramatic, or is trying to tease out some defect in the primary relationship.

 

Six years back he and she were off together at a conference, and she told him how I gave her freedom to choose to be with him. At first he may have considered it just a part of the dance between them. But in the following weeks back home we got to know each well as friends, and he saw we were real.

 

I even had a one-on-one sit-down conversation with him a few months ago, trying hard to put him at ease about how I feel towards them. I've explained how I grew into poly decades ago. I used illustrations from my history to tell why and how I've practiced it. He knows my (new age-ish) philosophy, and how it's absent customary religious and societal moralities. Intellectually, he seems on board.

 

But after size years of knowing us, something still must be bugging him.

 

I realize you all aren't mind readers, but any ideas why he might keep returning to the question of my accepting them having a secondary relationship?

You scare him. He thinks you're both nuckin' futz, but he's screwing her and not you, so he's willing to put up with some of her lunacy. But not yours.

 

He probably thinks you're going to come breaking through the door some night in a ski-mask with a chain-saw revving full speed, shouting, AH-HA! I CAUGHT YOU!

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- The bottom line is this, you cannot fix stupid and this guy's an idiot wondering where his village is. Sometimes a person can have everything they want and still asks,"What gives?"

[EggPlantKing 30]

I agree with SexCupid. he can't understand your Non-Male tendencies toward jealousy and need to dominate. Our culture puts so much demand on owning things he can't get passed you not owning her. Put yourself in his shoes. He gets to have your wife and you do nothing completely ridiculous in the standard sociological American view. He wouldn't do it (Although if his wife is that laid back about it he might be doing it and not know.) I say wait till there in the hotel room and in the middle of bumping pelvises and walk in on them. Of course set it up with your Wife first. Then maybe he will get the Idea. On the plus side speaking from experience it can lead to really awesome sex.

[Guest rdy46227]

Interesting responses....

 

FWIW, BF's wife has become very much a stay at home person, pretty introverted. Understanding BF's desire to be with people, she's always given him reign to stay out late (after work crowd getting home at 3AM) or be gone many hours on the weekend going places (including work), visiting friends, etc.

 

BF and his wife are basically friends with benefits. She's aware of some of his past affairs, certainly not all. Her attitude toward BF and my spouse is "you've told me, now don't mention it again". BF said sex life with BF's wife is unchanged (very infrequent, but good when it happens).

 

While BF's wife may have had an affair many years ago, BF says that she says, she has very little interest in sex, no real need for additional friends or companionship, and absolutely no interest in a lover.

 

SO & I theorize BF's wife is most interested in keeping her current financial/logistical situation -- she's been through it before, and while she prefers he not be sleeping with another, she has decided (again) not to let it upset things between them.

[prettylady 221]

If I ever become that woman, someone shoot me.

To me, that does not sound like much of a life at all. Without LIFE what good is finacial security.

I would rather be tight on money and have a wonderfully full life then be stable with a life that is not far from death.

sorry, but that seems more like depression to me than a general acceptance of the situation.

But I am no doctor

Your friend,

Prettylady:kissface:

[BiloxiCouple 695]

If I interperted right, ya'll haven't talked directly to the wife of the BF?

 

If this is true he could be saying anything he wanted? And then getting what he wanted? Yep, you have known him for six years. So ya'll know him better than us.

 

Affairs = Cheating Just a nice way to put it.

[prettylady 221]

Affairs = Cheating Just a nice way to put it.

 

It kinda does take a bit of the scandle out of it. Affair almost seems like a romatic meeting in Paris rather then what it really is.

Funny, I didn't really react to the term affair the way I do with cheating.

Your friend,

Prettylady:kissface:

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

rdy46227 ~

 

I've read this thread at least a half dozen times and I keep coming up with questions. So if you feel like answering them, here you go.

 

Do you and your wife swing?

 

If not, is the BF the only person who is presently part of your poly sex life?

 

He's had a few affairs but this is the first time he's played by the poly rules (his spouse knows and has even met me).

What are the "poly rules" that the three of you have agreed to?

 

Often after we have a 3-way date, he asks her how I'm dealing with her having a BF, why I'm not upset/possessive/concerned -- in short, where is my head at over their affair. Sometimes it sounds like he can't understand my encouraging/enabling them, or like he's waiting for me to do something dramatic, or is trying to tease out some defect in the primary relationship...

 

But after [six] years of knowing us, something still must be bugging him.

 

I realize you all aren't mind readers, but any ideas why he might keep returning to the question of my accepting them having a secondary relationship?

From what you've described, this seems more of a non-monogamous marriage for you and your wife. We aren't poly, but from what I've read on the Board from poly couples they usually mention the commitment, devotion, affection - and yes, love - among all person(s) in their poly relationship.

 

You've not hinted at any of this in your triad.

 

To me, it would seem your relationship with the BF is founded on hope for a poly relationship to develop. But I don't think he has a clue about what poly means, nor will he be able to grasp it. In his mind, he's still having "affairs" and your wife is his present affair, nothing more.

 

What may be bugging him is that after 6 months of sex with your wife, he is wanting more than just your wife, i.e., affairs with other women, but is torn about continuing with his past pattern of finding sex when he needs it. Or maybe he feels that you are trying to "marry" him. Your wife's sexual relationship with him is still very new - 6 months - and he may move on in due time because he doesn't want to be bound by another relationship...he's already got his wife.

 

LM

[sweet_tna 680]

rdy46227 ~

To me, it would seem your relationship with the BF is founded on hope for a poly relationship to develop. But I don't think he has a clue about what poly means, nor will he be able to grasp it. In his mind, he's still having "affairs" and your wife is his present affair, nothing more.

 

What may be bugging him is that after 6 months of sex with your wife, he is wanting more than just your wife, i.e., affairs with other women, but is torn about continuing with his past pattern of finding sex when he needs it. Or maybe he feels that you are trying to "marry" him. Your wife's sexual relationship with him is still very new - 6 months - and he may move on in due time because he doesn't want to be bound by another relationship...he's already got his wife.

 

LM

 

That's what I was getting out of this too, but didn't know how to articulate it.

 

Best of luck to ya'll . . .

 

=)

[Guest rdy46227]

We're not true swingers, in the sense of casual sex between other couples of like mind, nor in the sense of clubbing or house partying, etc.

 

All the relationships either SO or I have been/are part of are based on emotional intimacy over an extended period of time. There appears to be love, affection, respect, and commitment in all of them. I left this unstated, assuming it implicit in poly. We operate in the subset of swinging/poly/"open" marriages where contacts have an emotional connection (bonding) over an extended period.

 

The status for the last few months is: SO and I are married and the primary relationship. SO and BF are a secondary relationship. It is the only current secondary for SO or I. It is a "V" and not, nor is it expected to be, a triad. This is clear to, and has been expressly stated by, all parties.

 

SO's rules for their relationship require that BF's wife be aware they are together and that BF will put his home situation first, e.g. break off if his spouse requests him. If you want to discuss our full rule set in general, we can find/start a different thread.

 

We three do the shared activities as friends, because we are friends, and have been doing such since we met. It's only since SO and BF decided they wanted more private time together that I started giving them another opportunity by leaving early. BF and SO have spent the night together twice; I believe part of his agreement with his wife is that he will be home well before dawn.

 

One thing extending the courtship between SO and BF over the 5 odd years is their dealing with love for each other. They acknowledged "clicking" at the beginning, and have been emotionally bonded for years. They've cried on each other's shoulders, exchanged deepest confidences, and made themselves vulnerable to each other. The both said that in another "life", they could be married.

 

Their problem has been going "all the way". BF's been dealing with his home situation all the time we've known him, trying to position himself to leave, then deciding not yet, sometimes believing his spouse and he will reestablish a good married relationship, sometimes believing that he needs to move across the country without her.

 

The couple of times before when either SO or BF considered becoming lovers, one issue or another made them decide to not take the final step. Last fall, things fell into place and they went for it.

 

BF's prior method of getting what he needs outside his marriage was by the traditional (secret) affairs, and SO's instance of full disclosure makes this is the first relationship where BF was upfront with his spouse.

 

This way is new for him; there is no compersion of the part of his spouse, and I suppose he may fall back into his old mindset from time to time.

 

Hope that answers your questions. Maybe I've answered my original question???

[BiloxiCouple 695]

If I interperted right, ya'll haven't talked directly to the wife of the BF?

 

If this is true he could be saying anything he wanted? And then getting what he wanted? Yep, you have known him for six years. So ya'll know him better than us.

 

But, again I ask, you said you have talked to BF's wife. Did you physically sit down and talk with her about the subject at hand? My concern is how she fits in the situation or doesn't fit into it. If she has looked you in the eye and said he can be in a poly with your wife, then cooooool.

 

The BF history of cheating, problems at home, saying he wants to leave, but can't....? It sounds like an old tap dance I have heard before.

 

I wish ya'll luck.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

This way is new for him; there is no compersion of the part of his spouse, and I suppose he may fall back into his old mindset from time to time.

Thank you for replying.

 

I should have been specific when asking about your poly rules, because here's what I want to know:

 

Has an agreement been made that neither your wife nor the BF will have sex with other people?

 

I'm guessing so since you don't swing and all of your relationships have been based on emotional intimacy over an extended period of time. I think the BF would have a difficult time holding to this rule.

 

I had to look up the word "compersion."

 

Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory or swingers to describe the experience of taking pleasure when one's partner is with another person.

 

So, if I understand you, the BF's wife takes no pleasure in her husband's relationship with your wife.

 

SO's rules for their relationship require that BF's wife be aware they are together and that BF will put his home situation first, e.g. break off if his spouse requests him...I believe part of his agreement with his wife is that he will be home well before dawn...

 

BF's been dealing with his home situation all the time we've known him, trying to position himself to leave, then deciding not yet...

 

BF's prior method of getting what he needs outside his marriage was by the traditional (secret) affairs, and SO's instance of full disclosure makes this is the first relationship where BF was upfront with his spouse.

Did you mean "insistance" of full disclosure? You can insist, but you don't know what the BF is telling his wife.

 

Stacking up all you've said, I think your poly rules are only providing you with false justification for the 'V'; it's a way to make you feel better about this whole "affair." It really boils down to the three of you cheating on the BF's wife.

 

 

If I was the BF, here's what would be going through my head:

 

I have made cheating a pattern in my marriage. I'm not as happy and fulfilled as I would like to be, neither is my wife. We are just FWB who share the same house (raise our kids?) and have agreed to tolerate a sad situation. I have found a woman who I care about and love to fuck and wonder if she wasn't married if I would leave my wife and marry her...but she already has a husband she loves and because the guy is okay with me having sex with her, how can I hate him? He's a nice guy. But what do I want for myself? If I ever get divorced I'd like to find a woman I can love completely, enjoy sex with and have her love me in the same way. I don't think I could ever share her with anyone else and I would hope I'd never feel the need to ever have affairs again. What the hell am I doing having an affair with a woman I will never have to myself? And it's not just with her, in a strange way it's with her husband too - I just don't get this poly stuff. This is bugging me like crazy and something's got to change.

 

LM

[Guest rdy46227]

Thanks again, kind people. You're asking good questions which have generated lots of thinking.

 

Was it Regan who said "Trust, but verify"?

 

First, I agree that there is some possibility that BF is hiding from his wife, i.e. making this a cheating situation.

 

Second, there's an almost but not quite insignificant possibility that SO is "selectively editing" what she tells us to avoid any possible discord between any or all of us.

 

While we all trust each other (and have to trust for things to work), I shall make my path cross that of BF's wife's and see what message she has been receiving from BF.

 

SO and BF had the discussion about SDT, testing, condoms, fidelity, etc. at the beginning, and we agreed to a closed set. BF spoke for his wife, quoting her as saying that she has no interest in sex with anyone, him included. We implicitly include BF's wife in the set, expecting that if she has sexual contact with anyone it will only be BF. Exit strategy was also discussed, so if BF does want to (honorably) roam then we can break off beforehand.

 

Again, this all comes down to how well you know a person (and if they haven't changed) and are willing to trust.

 

SO had an afternoon date with BF today and made inquires. According to BF, he's had no contact sexual contact with his wife for 6 months, which is probably when he decided to try and take up with SO.

 

BF says the biggest payoff is the intimacy of emotional and physical contact or affection (which doesn't mean sex), and that he's happy, appreciative and content with relationship so far.

 

(SO also introduced the word "compersion" and promised to send him some articles from the net. Remember, please, this is all new to him. Their goal thus far has been the relationship, not formal polyamory education.)

 

My gut feel is that while having this great need met at the present doesn't mean BF won't roam (and yes, there's the history), the agreement seems solid for the moderate future.

 

Time will tell; we can learn something from everything.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Don't take this wrong but I have a feeling the BF is really having his cake and eating it to here.

 

He has no real reason to but any effort into "fixing" his marriage. He has a good thing going on the side and is using it to fulfill his life and leaving his wife to fend for herself.

 

I would be careful that if he ever gets to the point to finally set his wife "free" he may be asking more of your wife and less of you as time goes on. It appears that he may be trying to set up his future here. I hope I am wrong but all I have to go from is what I am reading here that you have explained.

 

He may not even know he is doing this. Humans like to not be out in the cold and tend to cover their butt when it comes to possibly ending up alone.

 

If I was in your position, I would be wanting to have a meeting of all concerned, you, your wife, the BF and his wife. Find out what is really happening on all sides.

 

I am betting there is much more to this then has been explained here and that may be because you have been misled.

 

Good luck and hope no one gets hurt in this.

[GoNatural 104]

Maybe that's because he can't fathom giving his wife the same freedom that he has, and he can't quite wrap his mind around why you can?

 

 

That is exactly what came to my mind.

[WesternSwing 504]

The short answer is that for many the concept of a spouse being okay with it is just too hard to wrap their mind around.

 

The long answer is - we, as a society, have been taught from the day we were born that a marriage is between one man and one woman, and any variation upon that is wrong. Or that what you are doing would be okay if there wasn't that piece of paper between you saying you're married because when you get married you're supposed to "own" your spouse. Or they simply can't get over their own insecurities, they would never let anyone else have sex with a person they were serious with much less be in a poly situation, and therefore don't understand why you don't feel the same as they do. People tend to think that love = jealousy and the more jealous you are the more you must love someone.

 

This is a reason we've have trouble finding those that we are interested in having a relationship with. For Mrs. WS, other men just don't get it. As your wife's friend is, they also can't understand how I'm okay with it and why I'm not jealous. In fact, some of the men Mrs. WS has met don't even want to meet me much less think of the possibility of a threesome happening. Cheating wives they can understand. Wives with permission and a non-jealous husband simply blow their mind!

 

There are also two women outside the lifestyle that Mrs. WS and I know that I have lusted after for years. Regardless of whether or not it could turn poly between us, these women have told Mrs. WS that they'd love to be with me but they just can't get over the married man thing... at least with the wife knowing and with her happy consent. They've both been the other woman in affairs with married men, but doing it with permission again is something they just can't wrap their mind around because that's not what they've been taught their whole life. Having sex with me, with Mrs. WS's permission and then seeing her later on in a social atmosphere without some kind of friction or jealousy or weirdness is just a foreign idea to them.

 

My only advice is to keep on being his friend and hopefully he'll eventually come around. But it's been so many years already that I think unless he has some epiphany not much is going to change.

 

Mr. WS

[Guest rdy46227]

Talked to BF's wife this weekend, who didn't want to discuss the subject. She was told and is not happy.

 

Wonder if any guilt BF may have about his wife's attitude is driving his questioning of my support?

[LOL_OMG 130]

Thanks again, kind people. You're asking good questions which have generated lots of thinking.

 

SO and BF had the discussion about SDT, testing, condoms, fidelity, etc. at the beginning, and we agreed to a closed set. BF spoke for his wife, quoting her as saying that she has no interest in sex with anyone, him included. We implicitly include BF's wife in the set, expecting that if she has sexual contact with anyone it will only be BF. Exit strategy was also discussed, so if BF does want to (honorably) roam then we can break off beforehand.

 

Hello Rdy

I picked this quote because in my opinion, from what you have said so far, the odds this guy cares anything about STD's, fidelity, etc. are very slim. If he's not being 100% honest with his own wife what do you think the odds are he is being honest with you or your SO, I'm just saying.

 

Tread lightly my friend and good luck

 

Mr. Lol

[ldenn2 15]

We're not true swingers, in the sense of casual sex between other couples of like mind, nor in the sense of clubbing or house partying, etc.

 

All the relationships either SO or I have been/are part of are based on emotional intimacy over an extended period of time. There appears to be love, affection, respect, and commitment in all of them. I left this unstated, assuming it implicit in poly. We operate in the subset of swinging/poly/"open" marriages where contacts have an emotional connection (bonding) over an extended period.

 

The status for the last few months is: SO and I are married and the primary relationship. SO and BF are a secondary relationship. It is the only current secondary for SO or I. It is a "V" and not, nor is it expected to be, a triad. This is clear to, and has been expressly stated by, all parties.

 

SO's rules for their relationship require that BF's wife be aware they are together and that BF will put his home situation first, e.g. break off if his spouse requests him. If you want to discuss our full rule set in general, we can find/start a different thread.

 

We three do the shared activities as friends, because we are friends, and have been doing such since we met. It's only since SO and BF decided they wanted more private time together that I started giving them another opportunity by leaving early. BF and SO have spent the night together twice; I believe part of his agreement with his wife is that he will be home well before dawn.

 

One thing extending the courtship between SO and BF over the 5 odd years is their dealing with love for each other. They acknowledged "clicking" at the beginning, and have been emotionally bonded for years. They've cried on each other's shoulders, exchanged deepest confidences, and made themselves vulnerable to each other. The both said that in another "life", they could be married.

 

Their problem has been going "all the way". BF's been dealing with his home situation all the time we've known him, trying to position himself to leave, then deciding not yet, sometimes believing his spouse and he will reestablish a good married relationship, sometimes believing that he needs to move across the country without her.

 

The couple of times before when either SO or BF considered becoming lovers, one issue or another made them decide to not take the final step. Last fall, things fell into place and they went for it.

 

BF's prior method of getting what he needs outside his marriage was by the traditional (secret) affairs, and SO's instance of full disclosure makes this is the first relationship where BF was upfront with his spouse.

 

This way is new for him; there is no compersion of the part of his spouse, and I suppose he may fall back into his old mindset from time to time.

 

Hope that answers your questions. Maybe I've answered my original question???

Been there done that. Stopped peacefully nearly 30 years ago. Still miss her. She crosses my mind every day.

[coolman_80070 18]

Same situation here. Ive relationship with my friend's wife. She is kinda my GF. 3 of us re very happy for 3 years now.

[Coupleerotic22 1,419]

If I was the BF, here's what would be going through my head:

 

I have made cheating a pattern in my marriage. I'm not as happy and fulfilled as I would like to be, neither is my wife. We are just FWB who share the same house (raise our kids?) and have agreed to tolerate a sad situation. I have found a woman who I care about and love to fuck and wonder if she wasn't married if I would leave my wife and marry her...but she already has a husband she loves and because the guy is okay with me having sex with her, how can I hate him? He's a nice guy. But what do I want for myself? If I ever get divorced I'd like to find a woman I can love completely, enjoy sex with and have her love me in the same way. I don't think I could ever share her with anyone else and I would hope I'd never feel the need to ever have affairs again. What the hell am I doing having an affair with a woman I will never have to myself? And it's not just with her, in a strange way it's with her husband too - I just don't get this poly stuff. This is bugging me like crazy and something's got to change.

 

LM

 

I think VegasLee is dead on. I quoted LikeMinds because I think that is accurate as well, with the possible exception of the part I put in bold. It could be that he is looking at your wife and trying to plant the seeds of doubt in her in an attempt to have her after he leaves his wife. Given his past it would seem rather hypocritical, but none the less I can see him thinking it might work. Worse, she could be moving toward him and looking to make a graceful break. And everything I said may be BS. You can never tell for sure when dealing with people.

[Guest rdy46227]

Followups after time has passed can be interesting, so here goes.

 

SO and I are doing as well as ever, which is to say great! My libido is dropping faster than hers, but then she's got 2nd sourcing to offset.

 

BF continues to have a stable but sexless relationship at home. The 4 of us have been together a few times, at it's clear that they intend to stay together.

 

I don't see him trying to displace me in any way, not to mention that SO would not even consider it with him. Our relationship remains quite strong.

 

BF has gotten used to my not being bothered by my SO's choice to associate with him. Possibly it's been long enough that he can see the walk matches the talk.

 

I will concede that BF may eventually want to move on. The old NRE effect wears off and he may seek it elsewhere. But they're getting more from each than just sex, and that seems to be of worth to him. Their "exit strategy" has always been for them to "just put off making another date" and keep going as friends.

 

In summary, they're still having fun, everyone's comfortable with things (for now), and there doesn't seem to be any maneuvering going on.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Followups after time has passed can be interesting, so here goes.

Thank you for the follow up, rdy

SO and I are doing as well as ever, which is to say great! My libido is dropping faster than hers, but then she's got 2nd sourcing to offset.

Sorry if I missed something here but is this the reason BF's wife has no interest in her own husband ? Her libido is none ?

 

 

BF continues to have a stable but sexless relationship at home. The 4 of us have been together a few times, at it's clear that they intend to stay together.

Did you get the vibe they love each other, but are not "in love" with one another ?

 

Sure, people can and do just become civil to each other and survive. But don't you worry the walls may come tumbling down some day on their end, leaving your wife in a place of emotional pain herself ?

 

Just curious, its seems I may be wrong but their (BF and wife's) relationship is in a way, cruel ?

 

I don't see him trying to displace me in any way, not to mention that SO would not even consider it with him. Our relationship remains quite strong.

Thats great, you have that but do you feel sorry for him in a way ?

 

 

BF has gotten used to my not being bothered by my SO's choice to associate with him. Possibly it's been long enough that he can see the walk matches the talk.

I have to wonder again as its not been mentioned, what if BF's wife wants to have a FWB. Would he be OK with her having the same relationship elsewhere ?

 

 

 

I will concede that BF may eventually want to move on. The old NRE effect wears off and he may seek it elsewhere. But they're getting more from each than just sex, and that seems to be of worth to him. Their "exit strategy" has always been for them to "just put off making another date" and keep going as friends.

What if their marriage fails, would the friendship and past sexual relationship stand to a court ordered appearance ? I'm just saying as an outsider....

 

 

In summary, they're still having fun, everyone's comfortable with things (for now), and there doesn't seem to be any maneuvering going on.

Things change sometimes, they always do whether we like it or not. I guess I'm sounding skeptical but something sounds to good to be true here.

 

 

fun4ds

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Talked to BF's wife this weekend, who didn't want to discuss the subject. She was told and is not happy.

 

 

I know this is a really old thread and the chances are slim to none that the OP will return and update since it has been 3 years since his last update. However, how can the OP and his wife continue in this "poly" or V-relationship when the boyfriend's wife isn't happy (I am assuming he means she's not happy with the situation)? If they really are in this as a poly couple and into compersion, doesn't this also extend to having compassion for everyone involved? Or is this a case of everyone else getting what they want, it doesn't matter that there is one person that isn't happy and isn't completely in the loop? Part of me feels like this situation is giving poly a bad name.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

However, how can the OP and his wife continue in this "poly" or V-relationship when the boyfriend's wife isn't happy (I am assuming he means she's not happy with the situation)? If they really are in this as a poly couple and into compersion, doesn't this also extend to having compassion for everyone involved? Or is this a case of everyone else getting what they want, it doesn't matter that there is one person that isn't happy and isn't completely in the loop? Part of me feels like this situation is giving poly a bad name.

 

I was surprised to find that, once I'd read the entire thread, i disagreed with you. I think right practices within relationships include respect, transparency and other useful things, but I also think that individual happiness is not a group responsibility.

 

I suspect it's because I think happiness is, in the absence of catastrophe, largely a choice. If you are being completely aboveboard and clean in all our dealings but I am unhappy, how far must you go to insure my happiness? At what point does the responsibility for it shift between us? What if I'm subject to depression? There's more, but I'll stop here.

[Chicup 41]

I took it differently.

 

You have one person who is unhappy.

You have another person who is unable to grasp the fundamentals of the situation.

 

It just sounds like a bad situation all around and definitely not a poly situation.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

I was surprised to find that, once I'd read the entire thread, i disagreed with you. I think right practices within relationships include respect, transparency and other useful things, but I also think that individual happiness is not a group responsibility.

 

I suspect it's because I think happiness is, in the absence of catastrophe, largely a choice. If you are being completely aboveboard and clean in all our dealings but I am unhappy, how far must you go to insure my happiness? At what point does the responsibility for it shift between us? What if I'm subject to depression? There's more, but I'll stop here.

 

After thinking about this, I realized that I worded my earlier response incorrectly (or perhaps not and maybe we'll still disagree!) but for some reason, I took her unhappiness to be disapproval of the entire situation--not a general unhappiness, although that might also be the case. The problem with all of this is that this is almost completely hearsay concerning her. The OP isn't the husband of the woman who is unhappy. And the OP and his wife don't seem to really touch base with the other wife. The majority of their information is through the BF, which is very iffy. There just doesn't seem to be that much openness and honesty for this situation to work out long-term.

 

When I first read this thread, I couldn't really imagine how a poly couple could really go through with this situation. In our own personal and extremely brief experience with poly, my first step was to make sure Mr. Sun was comfortable and willing to explore poly. My next step was to ask the other wife. If she wasn't comfortable, then it would be a no-go. End of story.

 

Back to the OP, the BF's wife might be unhappy with life in general but just because she knows about her husband's dalliance (because I'm sure that's how she sees it) doesn't mean she approves of it. I have a feeling that she might just be at the end of her wit's end considering her relationship. He's not putting effort into it. She's not putting effort into it. However, even by the OP's words, she would "prefer" that the BF doesn't have an outside sexual relationship. I think if it were truly a FWB living situation, she wouldn't give half a penny if he were sleeping with someone else but since she does, I'd say she still has feelings for him and possibly holding out hope that it will be more than a "FWB" situation again. As it was mentioned, the majority of how the other wife is thinking/feeling is based on the BF, who is looking out for his own desires.

 

From my point of view, this is a poly couple who is engaging and "converting" a vanilla couple into a poly couple--similar to swinger couples who play with vanilla couples. It is entirely possible that the vanilla couple can become a swinger or poly couple but I think it's best that they do it on their own terms, not when another couple is pressuring them.

 

As a counter, let's say the other wife was "okay" with the poly relationship that her husband is engaged in but then she gradually isn't okay with it and it results in further unhappiness or depression. Is it still a case of it's-her-problem-to-deal-with or something that the others should be aware of and consider that their actions have consequences?

 

I took it differently.

 

You have one person who is unhappy.

You have another person who is unable to grasp the fundamentals of the situation.

 

It just sounds like a bad situation all around and definitely not a poly situation.

 

I have to agree.

[mauijanedoe 1,414]

@sunbuckus, the other wife has a lot of options, including saying no. That she didn't is what is driving my thoughts. Would I be involved in a similar situation? Not that I could imagine, because I don't want the karmic debt, but she does have theoretical agency here.

 

Would you feel the same way if a couple had a don't ask, don't tell policy?

[sunbuckus 3,567]

@sunbuckus, the other wife has a lot of options, including saying no. That she didn't is what is driving my thoughts. Would I be involved in a similar situation? Not that I could imagine, because I don't want the karmic debt, but she does have theoretical agency here.

 

Would you feel the same way if a couple had a don't ask, don't tell policy?

 

I can speculate as to why she didn't say no--family, religious, fear of being alone, chance of being homeless , maybe even abuse past or present. Could she say no? She could but maybe she can't. To me, it does sound like a don't ask don't tell to a certain point. And yes, I would feel the same because it eludes to deeper issues that aren't being addressed.

[IEcouple 222]

It just sounds like a bad situation all around and definitely not a poly situation.

 

Is it only "poly" if it's an ideal situation where everyone has fun and no one gets hurt? And then when something goes wrong it's not poly anymore?

 

It may apply to the term "swinging" too. Sometimes it seems like we get an ideal scenario in our heads and our view of other situations turns into a purity test.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Is it only "poly" if it's an ideal situation where everyone has fun and no one gets hurt? And then when something goes wrong it's not poly anymore?

 

It may apply to the term "swinging" too. Sometimes it seems like we get an ideal scenario in our heads and our view of other situations turns into a purity test.

 

I understand what you're talking about. It's easy to debate on the forum about how things should be ideal but life isn't that way. And when you're not involved in any way, it's easier to see the "red flags" or problems. From my point of view, if I were in the BF's situation, I wouldn't feel very good about myself if I were living with a partner that was only friendship but still didn't want me to sleep with other people. If there really is no love there, then ideally, they should break it off completely. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to her to remain in limbo--stuck in a relationship they aren't in love but can't really find love either--without feeling some kind of guilt or resentment. If I were in the BF's wife's position, I'd go further into my shell. It seems clear that there are issues that aren't being addressed and worked through. Instead of having the resolve to work through them together, they decide to proceed in ways to further drive them apart. As for the "poly" couple, I think they are going the selfish route. They are getting what they want--the wife gets a BF. They aren't really considering their part in how their "poly situation is affecting the BF's relationship with his wife.

 

This is just my opinion and I'm sure it's harsh. If anything, maybe it will help the BF and his wife to wake up and deal with their relationship mess.