A different swinging purgatory

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

The title of the thread Swinging Purgatory - being 30-something had been coming back to me quite a bit lately. I remembered the basis of it, but going back and reading it, it didn't quite fit our situation.

 

It's interesting to me to read different posts from different age groups. When I was in my early 20's I was swinging with couples in their 30s and beyond. Now I'm in my 30s and to be honest I can't imagine swinging with most of the "kids" that I encounter in their 20's. What throws the wrench in it for us is that we are in our early/mid 30's and we don't have kids. We don't fit in with the younger couples who don't have kids, but because don't have kids (don't like kids and don't really want to hear about your kids) we find it hard to fit with the couples in our age group (and even somewhat older) as well.

 

We have no issue swinging with couples into their late 40's and even 50s so long as we find them attractive (and there are some hotties out there in those age ranges). Reading the thread I linked above the couple posting had an issue with playing with older couples. With us, as long as you don't remind us of our parents we aren't going to have an issue.

 

All that said, I'd say we find ourselves in a very different swinging purgatory, which may add to our reasons for preferring to only meet at clubs and socials... the mid-30s without kids group. It's just one more reason to not meet over dinner... we don't want to spend the entire dinner hearing about your kids. And too often, if we spend a lot of time talking to couples our age with kids we discover we have nothing outside of swinging in common (because we don't have kids).

[mrs good times 73]

We have the same problem you do Julie because we don't have kids either. Even being in our 40's most of the couples we meet still have kids at home and I think it has a lot to do with couples working on their careers first and starting families so much later now.

 

Like you meeting at clubs works best for us because we can be spontaneous and most couples cannot. We decide we are going to the club about an hour before we head out the door. Trying to work around schedules and babysitters is not worth the effort to us because we don't have too. Meeting at the clubs, all of those problems have been taken care of, at least for the night.

[sweet_tna 680]

I don't know what to tell you, Julie. Mr. Sweet and I do have kids. And while it's not ALL we talk about with playmates, it does come up in conversation. It's hard not to talk about something that's such a huge part of your life.

 

That said, we'd never decline to talk to/play with/befriend a couple without kids. While I'm sure you're not alone out there, it probably does make it a challenge for you to find couples that "fit" your situation.

 

=)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

We can dig where you're coming from, even though we aren't in the same situation.

 

We are parents. But we don't really like kids, other than our own.

 

We pretty much assume no one gives a rat's ass about our lives as parents, no matter how cute, talented, and generally awesome we may think our progeny are.

 

So, we're all about avoiding parent talk and how Junior won the DAR essay contest and is president of the Audio Visual team.

 

I feel for you though. That's ALL some folks want to talk about, and it ain't sexy, IMHO.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Well we have kids and even grand kids now. We love being with family oriented folks. Mrs.fun could go on for hours as allot of women feel a comfortable ground sharing photos and a few stories.

 

We found for me personally, talking about family takes away from the mood. We don't mind a little chit chat but lets face it, Ill be the first to change the subject. I can go from most conversations like cars, hobbies, places of interest or current events. to lets get naked.... but not family.

 

We do well, because we can relate in many ways. We feel some even pick us because we understand having the kids around, but we also are more apt to be able to meet at a spur of the moment since ours are grown now.

 

We are not in purgatory by any means in our 40's We are being hit on a little more by the younger crowd, because we feel we are less drama than people their own ages. At least thats what we hear.

[prettylady 221]

My kids are such a big part of my life that I relish the times where I don't have to keep them on the for front of my mind. When in a swing situation, that is my adult time.

 

If a relationship grows to the point were you care about my kids activities I will share, but not all night.

 

Like Mr Fun says going from talking about my baby girl to lets do the nasty just makes me go ick! How do you successfully transition from one to the other without looking like some kind of sicko.

 

Besides I have lots of people who love to hear about my kids. I can get my bragging done then

[Ellyanne77 81]

I wondered why were not getting a lot of 2nd dates. I guess the other couples were not as interested in the photo albums and ribbons from field day that we always carry with us as we thought. Hmmm good to know.... Note to self: Stop wearing #1 dad shirt to the clubs.

 

J/K Julie we have kids and really don't much care to have a lot of chat about the ins and outs of our family life.

[lustylearning 705]

I'll second that! Ugghhhh... we hate doing dinner. We'll meet you for coffee or at a meet n greet or at a club, but we learned that for us, dinner is a lousy way to do a first meet - forced into a situation where you know nothing about each other and must small talk for two hours. God help you if you don't have much in common. On the other hand, if we can dance and share a drink, it's not as important that we don't have a whole lot of vanilla stuff in common.

[TNT 1,155]

two4youinswva said:

We are parents. But we don't really like kids, other than our own.

 

That pretty much describes us...except, sometimes we don't even like our own

 

Surprisingly most of the people that Ted and I get along great with don't have children (or have grown children).

 

It's a fine line balancing children and swinging. I strive hard not to talk about our children when we're out with playmates, basically because when we started I didn't want anyone to know anything about our kids, it was my way of feeling like I was protecting them in case we met any weirdos. Even now with them being mostly grown, I'm still leery about mentioning our children. Over the years there are those we have gotten to know, that have learned things about our children and a few who have met them but, it's not the norm that I blurt out things about them.

 

In your case, I can see where ya'll are kind of stuck there in the middle...no kids, yet most in your age range have kids...those who are older than you who have grown kids (or no kids) might look at you two and think that you're not at the same spot in life as them, therefore you wouldn't have much in common with them. I think ya'll are doing the right thing by meeting people at the clubs...it saves a lot of headaches on your part.

 

Teresa

[nicebeaver 15]

I would have to echo prettylady. We have a daughter and the other couple we have been playing with have young children. I think our adult time is a great release from being parents during the day and all week long. We don't ever talk about the kids "after hours". This is our time to have fun. (In fact, I think I forgot we had kids once or twice) until the next morning.

 

We talk about music, film, sex and other things of interest, even though our kids are certainly the highest priority in our lives.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

nicebeaver said:

We talk about music, film, sex and other things of interest, even though our kids are certainly the highest priority in our lives.

And so it should be.

 

We encountered a couple who, although their own children were grown and out of their house, had nothing more to discuss with us than their grandchildren.

[good times 991]

I had to think about this one for a bit, and yeah, it is a drag to go to dinner and have to listen to endless kid stories. But I would much rather go to dinner with parents than people who ride motorcycles. What is it about motorcycle people that makes them think I want to hear about their bikes, or even know they own one for that matter?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I wondered why were not getting a lot of 2nd dates. I guess the other couples were not as interested in the photo albums and ribbons from field day that we always carry with us as we thought.

 

Gawd you made me laugh with that.

 

Thank you!

 

LM

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

good times said:

What is it about motorcycle people that makes them think I want to hear about their bikes, or even know they own one for that matter?

I think you are simply meeting the wrong motorcycle owners.

[des1re06 200]

What is it about motorcycle people that makes them think I want to hear about their bikes

 

The love of a Harley transcends the love of their kids?

 

The absolute worse for us is couples who want you to come play while they have kids in the house "asleep."

 

We're in the don't like kids crowd. I can't remember the last time I talked about mine, and I definately wouldn't share pictures. In fact, I may be the only mom who has absolutely zero pictures in her purse.

 

Talking about kids is almost as bad a mood killer as your colonoscopy.

 

Good luck in finding the right match!

 

Mrs. D

[Guest screaminggood]

I don't carry pictures in my purse either....and I definitely don't want to talk about them at a club. It's starting to bother me that the club music is now what's on my teenager's ipod. UGH! Don't want to think of him when I'm grinding to "Low."

[Tia Vampire 167]

We agree with TNT. Talking to strangers about your children just don't make a great mix. We don't even ask the couples that we are interested in if they have children. Swinging is our time to be naughty. Not time to talk about little Jo Bob. I don't think our children have ever come up in a conversation in the year in a half that we have been swinging.

[LFM2 1,482]

We go to dinner with couples, and yet, they are the ones that bring up their kids. We generally don't like to talk about our kids, mostly because they have absolutely nothing to do with our swing life. We love our kids to death, yet we don't really want to tell you all about them nor do we really want to hear about yours. Sounds harsh, but isn't there something better to talk about -- like sex and what you're looking for?

[cubnamy1995 124]

Well, we have kids, and we like kids, but part of the fun of swinging for us is:

 

Grown-up Conversation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you have kids too, and you like talking about them, fine. We'll talk about ours too. But if you don't bring it up, we won't either other than to let you know that scheduling can be an issue because we do have kids.

 

Besides, my kids are assholes. The 11 year old has a drinking problem, the 9 year old is a womanizer, and the 5 year old smokes way too much pot.

 

Seriously though, our kids are a big part of our life, and our vanilla friends hear all about them. But we don't bring up the topic on "dates" because we are there for us, not them. But if you ask, I will tell you the bare minimum I can about them, then move on. Not because you don't want to hear it, but because you don't need to know about them.

[WesternSwing 504]

Well, we have kids, and we like kids, but part of the fun of swinging for us is:

 

Grown-up Conversation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXACTLY!!! Although we may touch on our kids in conversation (they are a big part of our life), the reason we are out with adults it to talk about adult things.

 

On the flip-side of this topic, we know several couples who do not have kids and never have had kids that just don't understand why we can't just leave home and go out with them on a Wednesday night. They just don't understand the whole routine of being responsible for someone besides themselves. So this has really screwed-up what could have been some very good times with some very sexy people.

 

But to counter that, we also have some friends that are in their 20's (she's 23 and he's 28) that have their own place and they love to have us over when we can all get together and they love that we can retreat from our real life and kids with them once in awhile.

 

So it's impossible to make a generalization about such a topic.

 

Now as far as age? I'm 43 this year and Mrs. is 33 in a week. Although there are some of the young-and-sexy things that would never consider us because we aren't 22 and look like we just walked-out of a Balley's commercial, many more love to be around us because they are more emotionally and intellectually mature and that crowd just does nothing for them regardless of how "hot" they may be. So although we've been through this purgatory, we're not embedded in it. Quite the opposite. In fact I'm bewildered and flattered actually by the number of 20-something women that are attracted to me. At 43 I seem to have the best of both worlds, younger women and older women. I was really concerned about turning 40 in the Lifestyle because I thought it was the kiss of death, it's actually turned-out to be quite the opposite. I get even more action now.

 

Mr. WS

[fun4Ds 1,098]

So any way, now that the kids were brought up again .

 

Well, were at a party last night and It was such a great time. The guest hostess was a sex toy distributor and things turned into a sex toy party. Whoa did she have a great idea with games for prizes. I'm telling ya, she was a hotty also. We played a few games that were interesting to me about how its important to catch interests from possible playmates while socializing. The game involved finding out 3 things about others that were there. Now I found that strangely interesting, that most people after socializing... were stumped.

 

The point being, just like this thread, I have changed the subject. Hopefully I presented something of interest without under-minding the ones here in this thread..with children.

 

I have to think that as we meet others in the lifestyle, we do relate to the family/children topics. We understand the conversation, and can share a little. But I feel for me personally, just like last night, I put myself forward to find out other things that were mentioned in casual conversation.

 

Some women there talked about their children, and as usual it takes away from the sexual atmosphere and reason, Mrs.fun and I were there to begin with. I just feel its my responsibility as a possible playmate to care about what a woman has to say. I listen and give thought about what they are sharing. But its important to bring my element of conversation forward about things that we may find interesting other than families.

 

So far, I cant say that I have found any women who mind if I can talk about other things, as long as I don't make an under-minding statement about their topic. So far I'm getting the feeling as I'm learning about all this sexual socializing. (and I do emphasize learning) The women I talk to, like that I listen. Not only what they may be sharing about family stuff but I try to catch their swinging thoughts as well.

 

It's a two way street isn't it ? I cant for the life of me sit there If a woman is talking about children and BLOW off the subject or ignore her. I do understand about that stuff, I'm a married father myself.

 

It's just important for me to be a part of the conversation with things that can lead more to the possible adventure of sex. I don't think I steal the conversation, but when I ask a question about what kind of sexual preferences a woman might have as far as likes or dislikes, they seem to appreciate the break in the conversation. I feel it is a little tougher for a mother to let lose of the home life. It is 90 percent of their world.

 

Now would you rather talk about the kids, or hear about the party we were at?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

So far I'm getting the feeling as I'm learning about all this sexual socializing. (and I do emphasize learning) The women I talk to, like that I listen. Not only what they may be sharing about family stuff but I try to catch their swinging thoughts as well.

 

That is very true on all counts. And just because I have no desire to hear about your kids, I'm not about to to say that to someone who is sitting in front of me talking about their kids. That said, it's definately not going to put me in the mood. I try to be respectful of anyone I'm talking to. Although, I will admit that if you start going on and on about your kids I may look like I'm listening but chances are I'm a million miles away, having to remind myself to look interested on occasion. And as soon as possible I will either change the subject or find someone else to talk to. In the end, as much as you want people to respect you when you are talking, you also don't want to be bored or disinterested... and if those are your only choices why bother.

 

Now would you rather talk about the kids, or hear about the party we were at ?

 

Definately the party!

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Julie, we're exactly in your spot, since we're in the same age group and we don't have kids, but actually, I don't consider it purgatory at all. Most of our friends are in our age group (30's to 40's), and none of them have kids...at least not kids at home. I admit, we're a little spoiled, because most of the time, we make last minute plans.

 

I don't mind if people mention the fact that they have kids, but I admit, my eyes start glazing over if they start talking non-stop about the fruit of their loins.

 

I think this is the perfect age to swing. We're still considered young to older couples, but not total children. We're a little older than the young couples, but not old enough for them to consider us their parents' age. And, my own personal theory is that I think the more rural the area, the more likely that everyone in their 30's has kids. We ran into that in the town we used to live in. In a more urban or coastal area, you'll find a lot more childless and loving it people. Just my two cents....

 

Pepper

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

And, my own personal theory is that I think the more rural the area, the more likely that everyone in their 30's has kids. We ran into that in the town we used to live in. In a more urban or coastal area, you'll find a lot more childless and loving it people. Just my two cents....

 

Pepper

 

Hmm... maybe we need to move!

[JandCMI 15]

We don't have kids, either. Most of the people with kids we have met generally don't blather on much about them, which is cool with us. I'm starting to get to the age where the little 21 year olds think I'm a creepy old dude (my wife is still in her 20s, though) and yet I still don't find myself attracted to many women in their 40s.

 

I totally understand the whole idea of "swinging limbo"

[Mrs.B 21]

WOW thank you everyone for sharing thoughts here! Although we still haven't had our first "official" experience, ( we haven't been looking too hard either, hubby has been working a lot lately and finances haven't been the best...just going with the flow!), I have been logging in to read comments here. I am sooo glad we're not alone. We are also a childless by choice couple, I'm 31 he's 46, he got a vasectomy last year cause we're really not interested in kids, we love our adult freedom waaaaaaaaaaay too much.

 

Honestly I would find it a real turn off if I was looking for potential playmates and all they did was talk about their kids/grandkids when we are looking for a fun sexual time/experience. If they did I wouldn't mind listening but more than lilkely nothing would happen that night, heh. Not really interested to hear about the pre-k graduation ceremony. Like someone said earlier it's just too icky, it would just kill the mood. Even if I go out dancing with friends (Mr. B does not dance not even with bullets landing on his feet) the last thing I want to talk about is the kids, when the point is to go out to get away from their family madness for a couple of hours. I really don't mind my friends brag about their children, I love them little buggers, I even praise their achievements and feel proud for them, but adult time is just it, ADULT.

 

***Someone mentioned motorcycles, try keeping up with a CB radio and vintage bicycle junkie! (That would be Mr. B)

[cocpl2007 170]

JustAskJulie said:

The title of this thread had been coming back to me quite a bit lately. I remembered the basis of it, but going back and reading it, it didn't quite fit our situation.

 

It's interesting to me to read different posts from different age groups. When I was in my early 20's I was swinging with couples in thier 30s and beyond. Now I'm in my 30s and to be honest I can't imagine swinging with most of the "kids" that I encounter in their 20's. What throws the wrench in it for us is that we are in our early/mid 30's and we don't have kids. We don't fit in with the younger couples who don't have kids, but because don't have kids (don't like kids and don't really want to hear about your kids) we find it hard to fit with the couples in our age group (and even somewhat older) as well.

 

We have no issue swinging with couples into their late 40's and even 50s so long as we find them attractive (and there are some hotties out there in those age ranges. Reading the thread I linked above the couple posting had an issue with playing with older couples. With us, as long as you don't remind us of our parents we aren't going to have an issue.

 

All that said, I'd say we find ourselves in a very different swinging purgatory, which may add to our reasons for preferring to only meet at clubs and socials... the mid-30s without kids group. It's just one more reason to not meet over dinner... we don't want to spend the entire dinner hearing about your kids. And too often, if we spend a lot of time talking to couples our age with kids we discover we have nothing outside of swinging in common (because we don't have kids).

 

This is a unique perspective: Swingers Purgatory

 

You are not alone, but in a very different age group. We are in our mid-50s, with much the same issues. Those our age are either in the throes of late teenagers, or Grandparents consumed in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. And very much… members of “the been there, done that crowd” only interested in past adventures not creating new ones. We are finding out that we are exceptionally active out in the world compared to our peers and share little in common with those much younger than us, with their Career, Children, and Pet issues.

 

Sorry to say Julie, some of us just seem to be more unique than the rest of the swinging population. That is the reason why we do not attend the clubs and socials. We are not interested in confirming our uniqueness at such events. We are taking the time necessary to find that one equally unique couple who find themselves just as frustrated as we are with the general swinger community.

 

To our amazement, we recently met just that couple. We’ll see how things progress, but through our first meeting it seems that we share much more in common than with any previous couples we’ve encountered. Looking around the dinner table last evening I realized that there are 8 post-high school degrees dining together; perhaps that in and of itself formed the foundation for future exploration and adventure.

 

Julie, it doesn't seem that age is necessarily the purgatory causing element, but how we go about living out lives so different, one from another, which just seems to compound with age.