How do we find another to join us in a poly relationship?

[txcplbiwife 15]

I was just reading on this forum and not sure how to go about what I want to say...

 

I am interested in finding another couple/female that I can build a relationship with. I just don't know how to find what I want. We are on SLS and haven't been successful in finding someone that wants more to the relationship than friendship.

 

I am interested in finding someone that can keep me company especially when my husband is outta town. If you have children I am sure the poly-relationships affect them. How do you explain to your children how the other couple is involved in the family?

[avid 134]

I am interested in finding another couple/female that I can build a relationship with. I just don't know how to find what I want.

 

Sometimes I think it's more luck than anything else. I found my partner on a "vanilla" dating site. Interestingly, 12 years before that, I found my husband on a telephone dating line. I guess lightning can strike twice.

 

I'm not sure how successful you'll be finding a relationship on a swingers site. I think intrinsically swinging is about NOT having an intimate relationship. I think that first you find the outside relationship, then see if you can bring your relationships together. Start by looking for an open-minded person.

 

Remember, too, that you're looking for a hybrid, so your pool of people who can crossover into the different worlds is going to be smaller, therefore it's likely going to take longer. Be patient, and hopefully have fun in the meantime. Stop looking when it stops being fun.

 

If you have children I am sure the poly-relationships affect them. How do you explain to your children how the other couple is involved in the family?

 

Imagine you are a single mom. Maybe you've been on your own for a couple of years now, and you're starting to think about having someone permanent in your life again. So, you get out in the dating world. You have lots of first dates, fewer second dates, and even rarer 3rd dates. At some point, when you've narrowed things down, you think you've got someone you'd like your kids to meet. That's when you say to your kids, "Hey, let's go bowling with Mom's friend George (or Georgina)". There is no pressure for your kids with this person, because it's not like you're getting married or anything. They simply meet, and if all goes well, they meet again, until George or Georgina takes a more permanent place in your life.

 

It works the same way with another couple. Take things slow, keep your kids out of it until you have something good going on. And you certainly won't be telling the kids that you're having sex outside your marriage, because you don't likely talk about the sex you're having inside your marriage either!

 

Hope this helps.

[twotocum4u2 16]

There are web site specifically for or about Poly relationships, have you tired any of them? Try a Google search and I'm sure you'll find one.

 

JnJ

[WesternSwing 504]

First, check-out PolyMatchmaker.com.

 

How does having a poly relationship effect children? Well, from our own experience it's simply Uncle whoever (Our one real poly relationship was a boyfriend of Mrs. WS). Our kids accepted it without question. If we felt he was okay, so did they. And he did take very good care of my family when I was traveling and it was a godsend to have him there.

 

We know several other poly couples who have had live-in couples and singles and they don't over-explain anything to their kids. They give them the basics that this person (people) will be living with them and that's it. If they ask more they tell more. But they don't offer more information than they have to.

[gatorvol64 216]

I have to agree with Avid on this...swingers generally do not want feelings (at least of a romantic nature) to develop. So, if you are looking for a poly realtionship that involves swinging I think that will even more difficult than just finding someone interested in a poly relationship.

 

As for children? Well, by the time we met our other halves one was out of the house and one was 16. The 20 year old handled things a bit better. It really wasn't a choice of telling them or not to tell them. They are old enough to figure it out on their own. Same with Tech and Kitten's 3 children. All of theirs have been fine with it. If we had had small children, I think we'd have handled it a bit like WesternSwing did.

 

Good Luck, Vol

[sereneiders 263]

I have to agree with Avid on this...swingers generally do not want feelings (at least of a romantic nature) to develop. So, if you are looking for a poly realtionship that involves swinging I think that will even more difficult than just finding someone interested in a poly relationship.

 

And even if you were interested in developing romantic feelings, it isn't something you can "build up" on purspose, from the scratch.

 

As for us, we're open to embrance romantic feeling should they bring up with people we knew swinging, but we're not activelly looking for them. This is much like trying to meet someone you don't know out wanting to get a new friend... no one make friends this way. You meet people, and luckily, very few of the people you get to know become friends.

 

As for today, should someone bring up telling us he/she/they want a romantic reationship with us, even before having fun togheter... we would run away, as fast as we can!

 

Again, this has nothing to do with being swingers or keen to poly relationsips. Before marrying, when I meet a gal, I was looking just for fun, if she were leaning on me with her expectations for a relationship, I'd have run. And when I meet my wife, we was up to have fun for a weekend that turned into the longest weekend ever. When we engage in a poly relationship, we had this girl friend, swinger, we enjoyed hanging up togheter and at some point we realized it was way more than just having fun.

 

So, I have no clue on how to "make this happen" or "make this work". I think you just cannot devise an plan beforehand such a relationship. At most, to be up to let it happen... when and if it happens.

[GoNatural 104]

Also, you should consider joining Poly-Austin, The Austin Polyamory Social Group. It's membership is now up to about 680 members, with some of them being out of state members like myself (well I'm considering moving to Austin for poly and healthy living).

 

I also recommend visiting polymatchmaker.com

[talltim123 69]

My ex and I had become involved in the lifestyle in 1996 and after we were divorced in 1999 i had a few lifestyle encounters. About 2 1/2 years ago I met a married lady from AFF and this meeting was with the full encouragement of her husband. I initially met her for brunch and we hit it off well and a few days later I meet both her and her husband at their home. They explained that for 30 years they had had a relationship with one male friend who was a co worker of the husband. Initially that was a purely social friendship, that, over a few years lead to an intimate one. That person moved over a 1000 miles away and was more or less unavailable to them. Because that friendship had been so valuable to both she and her husband, both her old male friend and husband encouraged her desires to make a new similar friendship. (I and the husband and previous friend are straight)

 

Our first intimate encounter was a threesome and after that it is usually just she and I together while he is either watching TV in an other room or out shopping, etc. Occasionaly he will join us after she and I have have some "quality time", and usually the evening will end with the three of us having coffee and desert together. On some occasions we all will go out to dinner, etc, for a purely social encounter

 

What had started out as a swinging activity has developed into a close social friendship as well, and, is still strong as ever 2 1/2 years later. From chatting on-line, as well as reading postings on both swinging and poly sites, it would seem that relationships which started out as swinging do develop into poly type friendships at times. Also many social friendships progress to intimate ones with poly characteristics. Swinging and poly are at each end of a spectrum and attempts to define a particular relationship can be difficult.

 

While the three of us have a poly friendship we are also open to selective and limited swinging situations and have on two occasions the three of us met with one other couple. One of my, as well as their criteria, is that we would not plan to be intimate with anyone with whom we would not also feel comfortable with socially as well.

[SexyNSingle 15]

For me I met my swinging partners at a club years ago, moved away, and recently reconnected. Due to situtations that are personal, I am returning back to where I once lived and will be moving in with my partners. We have all agreed and are very happy to have a poly relationship. I have had moments of uncertainity, mainly because I have wanted to be very clear with his wife. She has been the most comforting and easy going person any one could ever ask for.

 

We have found that communication is an absolute must, that everything be above board and when things crop up we talk about it. They do have a child and we have talked about this as well. He is very young and so for him he may not think anything different, but when the time comes and he may start asking questions, we have agreed that we will deal with that then.

 

I am looking forward to living with them and the life that we are going to develop.

 

BTW this was not something that was planned it developed on its own. I don't think one could "plan" on finding something like this, as I know for us, it was the furthest thing on our minds. Afterall we met swinging and we all have swung with others, and agree that what we are going thru emotionally right now, is absolutely without a shadow of a doubt very different.

[toycple 19]

We have been swinging for several years now. We enjoy swinging and meeting other swinging couples. Lately we have been trying to find a female or couple that we want to be a little closer than just play partners. We find it is very hard to find this, and make it work. We do have aprofile on polymatchmaker.com but have yet to meet anyone from there.

[gatorvol64 216]

Good luck in your search. As much work as a poly relationship is, it can be very rewarding.

[GoNatural 104]

I wonder if she took my advice on joining the local poly groups on yahoo or meetup dot com. I know that Austin, San Antonio, and College Station all have groups, which are within a reasonable distance for her.

[theflamekasters 20]

toycple said:

We have been swinging for several years now. We enjoy swinging and meeting other swinging couples. Lately we have been trying to find a female or couple that we want to be a little closer than just play partners. We find it is very hard to find this, and make it work. We do have a profile on polymatchmaker.com but have yet to meet anyone from there.

Maybe I shouldn't say this, but if there is a poly cpl for us it is this one. The Mrs. and I have talked a lot about it lately!When we are with these two it feels normal and natural to move forward in that direction to us. Who knows where we will end up, but for that to work we feel like it has to be that natural, every one be so comfortable and into each other. We are all friends, and don't have to force one another to like each other. The sexual side is awesome, and these two fill in for thing we are into that the other is not. for example, I love scary movies, and the Mrs. doesn't, now I would have some one to go see them with.

 

Just my humble opinion!

[gatorvol64 216]

That's funny. Not that you have found someone else, but the scary movie part. Tech, my other husband, and I like scary movies. Gator likes some of them. Kitten doesn't like them at all. So, if it is a movie the other two do not want to watch, we now have someone that will.

[theflamekasters 20]

gatorvol64 said:

That's funny. Not that you have found someone else, but the scary movie part. Tech, my other husband, and I like scary movies. Gator likes some of them. Kitten doesn't like them at all. So, if it is a movie the other two do not want to watch, we now have someone that will.

Well that is something that interests us about have a second spouse. I mean my wife is everything to me, and she is my best friend, but there are things that I like to do that she doesn't and vice versa!! That is what we think would be great a bout a poly relationship.

[blue_eyez 19]

I'll (male half) echo what others have said here--that you may find it difficult to actively seek a poly relationship... that you may have more luck letting it come to you. That was our experience.

 

Naturally, I have my primary relationship with my wife. We also have many mutual friends, one of whom is a single female. I was the closest to her and we would get together regularly (with my wife's knowledge) without there being any physical element to the relationship. Eventually, we all became closer as friends and then one evening we all mutually agreed to break the physical boundary, so to speak. It wasn't a conscious effort to make this happen; our relationship simply evolved that way. The relationship continues to ebb and flow.

 

So maybe there's someone you're already close to who could be a possibility for an expanded relationship--one that evolves from a traditional friendship into something more--with a little nudging on your part.

 

I would love to hear how things are going since your original post.

[txcplbiwife 15]

Thanks for writing, I met this one guy that has totally caught my attention. He is married and they do swing. I was hoping that it would be a foursome. Not sure at this time if that will work or not.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking on the dimensions of the relationship that is already there. I know I want more but does he or they? I know my hubby was like really into her too and wanted to get to know her better but was having some difficulties in doing so.

 

So in all truths... not sure where things are at , kinda thinking we all need to sit down and talk. If this couple isn't wanting what we want then we will continue to search for a couple, or companionship with male/female looking for the same type of relationship we are.