Why do I feel hurt about this?

[Guest Unregistered]

We finally did a full swap and prior to it we went over the guidelines that it wouldn't happen unless we both wanted it. Well it happened and afterwards I find out my husband tried anal with the girl. Now we never discussed anal because the other husband said his wife never does anal with anyone but him and she has to be REALLY horny to do it. Well I told MY husband I never do anal w/ anyone but him. So during the act my husband played with her ass area a bit and then I guess he said she asked if he wanted to try putting it in her ass...and he went for it. Now we said that we wouldn't try anything that wasn't discussed before since we are still pretty new to swinging. So when I found out I can't say I was exactly MAD but more hurt about the whole thing. My husband apologized and said he didn't even make it into her ass....but I said that's not the point. That he did something that was not discussed and something I only did with him. To me it's not that he didn't make it in but the fact that he attempted to put it in twice with her...am I being silly over this?

[good times 991]

I don't think what you are feeling is silly, in fact, based on our experience, it is pretty normal for new people.

 

That being said, I have to say that what we found was, first of all, it is almost impossible to discuss every eventuality that might happen when playing with someone before hand. So, what we did, was realized that having a rule that required us to discuss anything we might do ahead of time was unworkable, and we got rid of that rule. One of the things we figured out right away is that we had several rules that, on reflection, served no useful purpose, but got in the way of the fun. The interesting thing is, when we got rid of these types of rules, the problems and bad feelings that came from breaking them earlier went away. It seems that getting rid of those rules liberated us to better implement what is now our number one rule, which is to have fun.

 

I don't know, and can't say whether this would work for you, but it worked very well for us.

[sweet_tna 680]

I can see why you feel upset, but this kind of thing does happen--especially when you're new. As GT pointed out, it's nearly impossible to discuss every possible contingency and have a "plan of action" for it.

 

Mr. Sweet and I don't have a whole lot of rules for this very reason. We know what we're comfortable with, and tend to just go with the flow. This has worked for us pretty well so far.

 

I say talk it out with your husband, and try to find a set of guidelines that you're both comfortable with.

 

=)

[graygo98 148]

If you feel hurt, it's not silly. Its real, its how you feel.

 

If you want to take away something positive from this experience, maybe you should think/talk about why you have this, or any other rule.

 

For safety reasons it makes sense to say "we will not allow others to do us anally". The risk of catching anything serious seems to be pretty much on the receiving end.

 

It gets a bit harder when you don't want your husband to do something with another willing female just because you have agreed that another male will not be alowed to do it to either of you. I don't see what purpose this might serve, other than as a sort of tit for tat scorekeeping.

 

If you are really concerned about keeping score so that one of you doesn't get anything that the other doesn't, you are opening yourself up to future unhappiness. The books rarely balance perfectly at any point in time.

[Chris&Amelia 253]

I think one of the tenants of swinging is communication with your spouse or committed partner. Like you said, it's not really the fact that he tried anal with her, it's because he tried anal with her without you knowing about it first.

 

You're just starting out, so you're bound to make these newbie mistakes. It's normal and part of the learning process. And, no, you're not silly for feeling hurt. It is a perfectly valid reaction. I would feel hurt if I was in your situation.

 

I tell Amelia everything. Even those things I ain't proud of because, guess what, she'll hear about it eventually, and I would rather she hear it from me. She, in turn, does likewise.

 

Talk to your husband. Work this out. It sounds like you guys will be fine.

[Guest rdy46227]

1. Perhaps you didn't make yourself clear to hubby -- particularly your reasoning. For example, did you say "I want to reserve something that is just between us, something that we will never do with any other, and I nominate anal sex"? And did you get a reply, "OK, anal is just for us"?

 

It possible that given the statements, you made an assumption that anal sex wouldn't happen, so you felt that you didn't need to explicitly mention that you wanted it "reserved".

The wife does do anal when she gets hot, and a swing situation is often very hot. So, I can see her asking/encouraging it. Hubby may have thought (assuming his big head was working) "I was told not to expect this to occur, but since it has, go for it!"

 

2. There was an implication in the husband's statement. When the male partner said his wife didn't do anal except with him and only when she was really horny, one could get the message:

 

My wife doesn't like to do anal unless everything lines up for her, which includes me as her partner (trust?) and motivation (horny), so

don't expect

her to offer you anal (but this

doesn't totally rule out

the possibility that she will).

 

If his wife had agreed to only do anal with him, then he wouldn't have needed qualifiers (like must be very horny). He'd just have said unconditionally "she won't do anal with you".

 

3. Logically speaking the condition of hubby and her not having anal was not excluded by your statement. In particular, you only do anal with hubby does not mean that hubby doesn't do anal with others. It is a statement only about you, and not him.

 

So given the ambiguity, I see reasonable doubt, and would find your hubby "not guilty".

 

Which brings us back to communication. You may have been asking him to "read your mind" instead of "stating your mind".

 

Acknowledge you feel hurt, but acknowledge there was a communications failure, and try to put the hurt behind you. Don't swing again until you are 110% sure you're healed (and you know he knows exactly what you want).

[two42lovers 273]

Rules based on personal preference are natural (i.e. no ass to mouth) but rules designed to control your significant other are something different. (i.e. you can put your tongue in her left ear, but not her right ear.) Seems the more rules a couple has about what each other is not allowed to do, the less fun it is to play with them, and the more likely drama could rear it's ugly head. It's not fun to see a couple angry or hurt with each other in the middle of a play party.

 

Consider your motives when making rules, and consider the impact on your spouse. What are you trying to achieve as a couple by swinging? Do your rules actually help you get there? The "we said that we wouldn't try anything that wasn't discussed before" rule seems controlling, meant to address underlying jealousy and fear, and a set-up for hurt feelings.

 

When we started out in the lifestyle we decided to give each other permission to do anything that turns you on, and nothing that doesn't. Seeing each other turned on is what it's all about for us. Only you two can say what is right for your relationship, but I hope this helps you think it through.

[socolais 696]

There has been some very good discussion here. I hope you'll register so we can all continue the discussion (and perhaps many more).

 

Every couple swings with their own set of rules and breaking the intent of a rule is significant because it violates trust. I think you feel hurt because you feel your trust was betrayed. I also think you two have some more talking to do. You each need to understand each other's preferences and decide on a fundamental level that activity outside those preferences is not fun. I think it would be very easy for me to say no to a request from a playmate for activity I'm not sure my wife is comfortable with (and she feels the same way).

 

Let this misunderstanding draw you two closer together, and then put it behind you.

[sexcupid 809]

When we first started, of course we had multiple conversations before. Expressing fears, doubts, comfort levels. As we got more comfortable with the idea, many of the initial 'rules' flew to the wayside. I want to mention that was before we ever swapped.

 

By the time we got around to playing with others, we were down to 2 'rules': always wear a condom and being very specific on what was reserved for between the 2 of us.

 

Yeah, first time out...we had a condom break. Eh, it can happen to anyone. The sticking point for me was he stopped long enough to take it off and continue fucking the other lady (super newbie mistake, we only took 2 with us and the other couple didn't have any). And I would have described my feelings precisely like yours...I wasn't mad per se...but very hurt.

 

I'll hop on board with the fact that he probably wasn't thinking with the brain on his shoulders, anal wasn't specifially off the table for him and an opportunity was presented. We're all human and make mistakes, get it out in the open before it festers.

 

Good luck! Hope you register to be able to respond!

[The Fuse 1,012]

There has been some very good discussion here. I hope you'll register so we can all continue the discussion (and perhaps many more).

 

Every couple swings with their own set of rules and breaking the intent of a rule is significant because it violates trust. I think you feel hurt because you feel your trust was betrayed. I also think you two have some more talking to do. You each need to understand each other's preferences and decide on a fundamental level that activity outside those preferences is not fun. I think it would be very easy for me to say no to a request from a playmate for activity I'm not sure my wife is comfortable with (and she feels the same way).

 

Let this misunderstanding draw you two closer together, and then put it behind you.

I'm with socolais on this one. Definitely talk some more between you and your husband. It is important to be able to trust each other and know that each others' comfort is paramount.

 

If you are going to rule specific things out, though, better to be specific about what those acts are. In your original post, you said anal for him and the other wife wasn't ruled out on your end (no pun intended), but rather that you wouldn't do it with the other husband and the other wife was represented as not doing it with anyone other than hers. But you didn't ask your husband explicitly not to.

 

Now... I can see, given the above, that you might have *expected* him to get the *idea* that he wasn't supposed to do that. But perhaps there was room for misunderstanding? Only you and he both know whether he knowingly broke the intent of the guidelines you discussed beforehand. Did he really think it was okay because you hadn't asked him not to? Or did he go ahead thinking that maybe you wouldn't like it, but let excitement get the better of him? Those are two very different things. The first might mean he was unobservant, but would provide a lesson in the kind communication you need. The second might mean he slid just past that slippery line of willfully misunderstanding the spirit of what you'd talked about beforehand.

 

What does your husband say about this, besides "well, we didn't really do it"? Does he acknowledge that he did something that made you uncomfortable? Is he sorry? Do you think he will push the boundaries again?

 

two42lovers also has a great attitude: rules about specific acts can be as much about control as they are about "keeping something just for us", which sounds romantic, but I've never thought it was a good idea in swinging. Sex is an engrossing experience. I don't want to have to stop the flow of things to wonder whether that last half an inch between his cock and my ass is crossing some line, and I wouldn't want Mr. Fuse to have to do that either. Just want everyone to enjoy.

[LFM2 1,482]

I think you have every reason feel hurt. Swinging is a big trust issue between two committed adults and when one breaks a rule, that trust has been violated. Even though your husband was in the heat of the moment, it was still something he shouldn't have done.

 

When Dave and I started out, we also had this rule. Oh hell, we had a lot of rules. I chose the rules and Dave said, "OK". He was totally willing to go along with whatever I said. If I'd said, no rules for anything, I would have gotten the same reply. I had all these rules, like no kissing (yes, I really did) and no anal and condoms always -- blah, blah, blah... I wanted these "intimate" things kept just for us!

 

Well, after talking to him, and after we'd played with a couple, all those rules went out the window (except the condom rule -- They will always be required!) We have our marriage that is intimate just between us. Our lovemaking is intimate just between us. We have SO many things that are intimate just between us that it almost seemed silly to put these restrictions on him. It was me that was having the problem with it, not him. Well, long story short -- I don't do anal with anyone except him for my own reasons. He can do anal with whomever consents to let him do anal. He's a great kisser. Other women should know how lucky they are to get to kiss him! Plus, it gives him pleasure and that's what it's all about for me. I love seeing him happy and to us -- really, it's just sex.

 

I'm not saying this is what you should do by any means. I just wanted to make sure you knew that there are many things between a couple that they do intimately with love that you may do with a partner that isn't love. Does that make sense?

 

There are so many things we share, like feelings and emotions, that I don't share with anyone else but him and vice-versa.

 

Other women and I may share his body and his talents, but only I have his soul.

[Additude 457]

You feel bad because one of your un-disclosed "rules" was "broken" by your husband.

 

I have to agree with GoodTimes above and others as well. I think in the beginning we "Over Rule" ourselves and that kind of obligation is disasterous if left unattended and in the heat of sex and passion it can be a challenge to manipulate.

 

Besides, most of the beginners swinging "rules" are based on protecting the fear of jealousy between partners.

 

For instance, not allowing or wanting your hubby to have anal intercourse with another female. What kind of a rule is that? Especially when it's based on a "catch all rule". You should allow him to proceed unabated, and you yourself should also.

 

You'll find out that you'll both appreciate and respect each other more in the long run by maintaining a "less rules more fun" policy.

[The Fuse 1,012]

We have our marriage that is intimate just between us.

This is a wonderful statement -- so true, so simple and meaningful all at the same time! Thanks for making my day.