How do I let husband know his bi male fantasies are ok with me?

[ladyfirst 15]

Hi all. I've been on and off this site for a while now and still have not had any experiences. Here's the story (short): Mid-fifties and look and act younger, recently lost much weight (so feeling much better:-)) and I believe that this would be really nice for hubby and me.

 

We've had ups and downs and they were very down but there is that bond and love still. Thing is that he says he will go along with whatever I want to do but he won't be specific and won't admit to me what his real fantasies are.

 

I found out a while ago that he was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it believing that I would freak-out if I found out. Originally I did but after a few years of knowing that he feels that way I have come to accept it and am willing to go along with it.

 

My question is really how to let him know that it is ok and that I think if we get another male into the picture it will be good for both of us. BTW...at this point I don't feel that I am bi.

 

Please all you seasoned people, give me your opinions. Thanks

[The Fuse 1,012]

Hi there ladyfirst, let me welcome you to the Board! You have definitely found the right place for discussion! I'm sure some folks will weigh in soon with some good advice.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Do you think he would be more comfortable writing out his fantasies to you?

 

Some folks are more comfortable writing out their thoughts as opposed to speaking them.

[Additude 457]

First off,

 

How about suggesting a meeting with another single male for a little MFM action?

 

See what he thinks of that....

 

If that goes over good, then suggest the male be bi.....

 

See what he thinks of that....

 

If you want him to open up, I think your going to have to change his perception of you. No offence intended, but I caught a spec of "I would freak-out" in your post that may have freaked him out.....and now he is conditioned to avoid that realization.

 

Your going to have to re-condition him to understand that "Freak-Out" doesn't exist anymore....and that may even mean expanding that reality outside the bedroom.

 

He's probably not going to change "over night"...but it's changeable. Just don't push him into any bi contact unless he wants to do it. Don't create a situation where he thinks he is doing it because you want him to and he will do it for you.

 

You want to create an atmosphere where it's ok with you if he does it for him.

[Guest screaminggood]

I agree with Additude's post. You need to not just tell him that you'd be good with the idea, but show him. During sex with him, you should talk about your fantasy of what it would be like to be in a MMF, and if you're getting wet by it...his body will notice even if his brain doesn't....and he'll start getting turned on by the idea. Slow steps though....never rush a fantasy, right?!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I can see the dilemma here. He was hesitant to open up to you fearing your response then when he did he may have gotten the response he expected, increasing his fear to open up to you again. Vicious cycle. Now you have come to terms with what he is interested in and aren't sure how to bring the topic back up.

 

At this point I think your acceptance of his fantasies will go a long way to allowing him to open up further in the future. If it were me I think the conversation would go a little something like this.... "honey, do you remember when you told me that you had a fantasy of ....." "um yeah?" "well, I've been thinking about it, and I think I'd be open to giving that a try if you're still interested." Just be clear with him that it's something you want to do together (if you do) and that you want both of you to be able to be completely open with anything, whether it be fantasies or hesitations. This is something you need to be able to be completely open and honest about, without fear of hurting someone's feelings.

[sweet_tna 680]

Congrats on the weight loss, I know how good that feels. And it's exciting that you've begun to fantasize about trying some of his fantasies. The trick is how to bring it up again. I agree with some of the other posters here that you might want to try it during foreplay or some other time when you're relaxed and expressing a fantasy seems... natural. That will get his attention, and help him to realize that you really are interested in trying these things.

 

Once you get that dialogue going, keep talking... not just about what you want to do, but what you're comfortable with, and how you'd like to go about making these things happen. Keep reading/posting here, and you'll find lots more helpful info.

 

Best of luck.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Thing is that he says he will go along with whatever I want to do

This sounds like you asked him to try, or do this for you.

 

Did you bring this up first, out of conversation and he said no and then while he was doing research privately, you found out?

 

or did he do this research first privately, then you found out, and then you requested him to try this because you found it erotic??

 

but he won't be specific and won't admit to me what his real fantasies are.

So you guys are talking about this, and that is good. I think personal bisexuality was one of the hardest subjects we ever found in this lifestyle to talk about. The hardest was letting out how we felt. I had seen that because I fantasized about MFM play. At that time, the first info I found was that by having this kind of fantasy there were gay tendencies buried in my subconsciousness somewhere. Until I had really taken a hard self examination about my sexual thoughts. I couldn't have talked about how I felt or what I feared. The fact was I didn't know. I tried to understand and tried different ways to test myself the best I could. I would secretly look at guys and well, try to feel any kind of attraction. Just everyday men in life. O.k. I found nothing there. Then even looked at some of Mrs.fun's magazines in private, and tried so hard to bring up any kind excitement... Nothing.

 

This was my personal research at the time. Mrs.fun at that time had know idea what I was doing or ever found out accidentally. You know for men there is allot to fear with this. I personally have always felt no attraction to men. I don't really understand what makes a man attractive to women. I just see men as the unattractive species. I could not look at myself in the mirror and make a change with my own appearance and say, Oh, I look more attractive like this. I can only say that for me, I have to get a woman's opinion. So for men, without cutting down the whole population. I just think we are all unattractive. I just cant get any kind of stimulation from a male. All the way to our MFM experiences. I have been close enough to men naked and tried to get any kind of sexual feeling and again... Nothing. If you put ugly Suzan and John Travolta side by side, I see attractiveness in Ugly Suzan I could have sex with her... John... NOTHING. Limpy is what he would get. I know this may not be a science explanation, and maybe even a poor explanation of what and how, I found out about myself. But those are my feelings and what I found out. So I know inside without a doubt how I feel. My feelings didn't match the information I had found. Fortunately those ideas were not the only reasons.. There are allot of men like me. That don't get anything from the men we are around.

 

One time when I asked Mrs.fun for girl on girl play she said "would you play with a man for me" if I wanted that? This was a very serious question. Would the reward be worth price paid. Could I even do it? I knew by then about myself, that one of two possibilities could happen, if it we're a you do it, I'll do it trade situation.. I could find two bi or gay men, and ask them to do this for my wife. Or, the least of my choices, and this would be very, very hard to do. Was to put on an ACT. It would only be acting. So she wouldn't be getting what two men who actually have those feelings could provide. It would just be acting.

 

This was also when I (got it) more understanding about bisexuality. Men and women, can have a sexual feeling toward the same gender. Even to a point of emotional relationship. For myself, this was a scary investigation. I hid my thoughts and the fact that I had questioned myself. The fear of being discovered what I was doing and being gay or even labeled gay. In a mans world this could threaten everything even to a point of being outcast. Or even killed. It has happened.

 

I found out a while ago that he was looking for same-sex fun along with opposite sex fun but he denied it believing that I would freak-out if I found out.

I hate to sound chicken, but like they say, "if your scared, say your scared." That's the whole deal. It is scary. If you don't know or understand how you feel. I had to look at this secretly first. He may just need his privacy.

 

Originally I did but after a few years of knowing that he feels that way I have come to accept it and am willing to go along with it.

 

This is what throws me off track. At first you say he will go along with this. Now you say you will go along with this? I'm not the brightest bulb in the package, and I just don't understand what happened first?

 

Is there a point that he says, he does have sexual feelings for a male? But he wont talk about his fantasies or his complete understanding? I know when I was trying to understand myself. If you would have asked me then. My answers would have been I don't know, and I would have been honest. I didn't know or understand. I would have been the one to say "I don't want to talk about this." I would fear exposure most.

 

My question is really how to let him know that it is ok and that I think if we get another male into the picture it will be good for both of us.

This sounds like maybe from the past as you mentioned, perhaps there was something in the past that would cause him to not trust you. Like something where you exposed him or humiliated him. This is a very hard thing to look at as a man. This takes a lot of trust. Maybe trust that needs rebuilt on your part. This is hard for a man to talk about something like this. Is there a way that you could let him test you to rebuild some trust. Like buy him a toy to experiment with, or a magazine, a movie. And show him that he could trust YOU with his secrete. In that situation you have purchased the items and If during your trust building period he could, if ever exposed, check out and say YOU bought them. Not him, Their yours. Like I say, this would be tough enough in a good relationship, let alone a relationship where he was exposed in some way in the past.

 

I hope my rambling in some way helps. We men are not all alike. These are just my thoughts. I know for me I had to hide all of this and I'm not gay or bi so I could only imagine how much trust and secrecy he would need from you, trying to take this a step farther.

[Guest MrsVan]

would have to agree with others to try to find ways to bring it up at the right moment. Maybe after you have had sex, cuddle and maybe just talk about your fantasies together.

 

This is how MrVan and I figured out that we wanted to be in the LS as we started talking one night about fantasies and one thing led to another and here we are.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Hi Ladyfirst,

 

Well, you seem to be the rare couple with the wife more eager.

 

Men are just so darn reluctant to admit to any fantasies that involve same sex contact.

 

I'm a writer and have a few Y/A books, (two published), and a lot of other stuff in different genre's.

 

When we first got 'online' years ago it didn't take me long to find erotic story sites.

 

We'd gotten into swinging a long time ago and she (my wife) called it quits after a few years.

 

Well, the story sites allowed me to enjoy, vicariously, the lifestyle I missed so much.

 

As will happen, she discovered my activities and, at first, was a little angry that I still fantasized about swinging. Then, she sort of understood and even read a story or two. She surprised me by suggesting that I write some.

 

OK, I am getting to a point eventually...,

 

Well, I created a couple very much us except they were swingers. I started out pretty soft swing but it evolved naturally into more hardcore.

 

I remember the very first time that the story necessitated the two husbands to have some contact with each other. I started to change it but it just fit. When my wife read it she said that it was "so hot"! I was really surprised.

 

We talked a lot about it and I even admitted to holding the cock, and guiding it into her, of the man she had sex with in our very first wife swapping years ago.

 

And, I told her that I'd really enjoyed it too and wished I'd been able to suck her juices off of it afterwards.

 

So, my suggestion would be to watch movies or read stories together about just that sort of thing. Then, maybe you could talk about it after.

[ladyfirst 15]

Wow, to the previous three posts......those were posts to my original question and I really felt what your journeys were through this. I really appreciate it and I want to maybe clarify a little of what I said previously.

 

Anything that we ever talked about between us was because I brought it up. Reason being is that probably around the year 2000 I was looking around online and accidentally (and I mean accidentally) found out that hubby had been on some "match up" site and that he was replying to ads from women AND men. I was very mixed up at first because was our sex-life so inconsistent that he had to look for horny women online and what was all that about with him replying to men??? I held on to those for a while, all the while trying to get his passwords and check out what else was going on. I never found things that he had done but did see that people had been responding to him. So I totally "freaked out" and didn't understand one iota of the whole thing. Of course he denied it and we made up and it was forgotten with (on my part) for a while. Probably a year went by and I saw that behavior again and it gets more complicated but we split up for a couple of years but then got back together again. It was more than those revelations that made me leave so that was just secondary then. Anyway, when we got back together it seemed good again and we went on vacation and came back and things were honky-dory again....or so I thought. I now discovered that he had put an ad for himself on a gay-man's dating phone site, I guess in part because he knew I was more crafty online than he was/is. Now I thought "wtf"? What is wrong with me? Why is he doing this? He denied it again and again and it took some time for me to get over this. So fast-forward to the last 2 yrs and me going on different sites and reading posts all over about bisexuality and this site (for sure) and I feel like I've turned myself around completely. I can really "get it" about swinging, for one, and about same-sex play too. I really feel now that as long as I'm included in all of this that I can accept this and that we can become even closer to each other since I know all about him and vice versa.

 

I hope this cleared up some of what I wrote before and I'm so glad that there are these venues where people can read about other's trials and tribulations and that people are willing to give their best advice. I also want to say that yes, it took a lot for me to come to this point but wanting to understand my man and making this relationship the best it can be is what I want, along with exploring my sexuality to its fullest. And it also makes me know that being "over 50" can be fun and sexually charged too! Thanks a whole lot to all who responded.

[Additude 457]

Wow ladyfirst...

 

You sound like a remarkable woman....

 

Kudos to ya.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

One observation about your situation, expressed as a rhetorical question. Why do women tend to blame themselves for whatever goes wrong in a relationship? I think I already know the answer. But I just have to ask.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Ladyfirst,

 

I just wish you were my wife's best friend and confidant!

 

I envy your lucky husband!

[ladyfirst 15]

One observation about your situation, expressed as a rhetorical question. Why do women tend to blame themselves for whatever goes wrong in a relationship? I think I already know the answer. But I just have to ask.

 

I said that but in the scheme of all the things that have happened since, well I believe I've learned a lot and changed a lot. I think people always ask what is wrong with themselves first and then look at all the possibilities.

[ncmd_couple 597]

I’m writing this as a guy, so I hope that this helps you out. Guys are conditioned to keep things to themselves, mainly because our experiences tell us it is best to keep our mouths shut! Throughout our lives we have gotten a lot of grief from the women in our lives when we spoke completely openly and honestly with them. And being a closet bi-sexual male is one of those absolute taboo things. He has probably been Bi for many years and fears the repercussions of telling you his true desires. I try to be completely open and honest with my lady, but it is difficult. Difficult because I have to overcome 50 years of fear. I do it, but it is difficult. It is really difficult to do it face to face sometimes, even now.

 

The challenge for you is to convince him that he can tell you the truth without repercussions. We are all emotional beings, and when talking face to face we are hearing the words but also reading your body language. We are watching for that slight flinch or we might misunderstand an expression on your face while you are thinking about what we just said. The method that my lady and I have worked out is that we talk about difficult subjects via e-mail to each other. It allows each of us to take the time to think about what the other is saying and respond while dealing with our emotions. It works for us.

 

Also, it is probable that your husband has had Bi encounters in the past, most likely in the couple of years that the two of you were separated. He may be having Bi encounters now. You will need to deal with that possibility in advance so you are already prepared for “the worst,” and you will be prepared to not have a shocked look on your face at the time that he comes out with what he really desires. You need to let him know that you are ok with it and that you want to share your desires as a couple.

 

I am not actively Bi myself. I had a few encounters many, many, years ago as a young man. My lady knows about it, so it isn’t an issue with us. Hopefully this will be of some help to you, and good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I said that but in the scheme of all the things that have happened since, well I believe I've learned a lot and changed a lot. I think people always ask what is wrong with themselves first and then look at all the possibilities.

You are quite right. You have my admiration for being frank with yourself and ready to change.

[NumbskullsX2 24]

This is one situation I would absolutely advise against looking for a single male! By adding a male only, it's like you're saying, "We both know your gay, you might as well admit it" The problem is, I don't think he is. Bisexual maybe? You said he was answering mail from women too. Gay guys don't do that.

 

My advise would be to find a couple with a bi-curious husband (they're out there) The reason I'm suggesting that instead of a single male is that the "message" here needs to be that in your mind, a person can have occasional intimate physical contact with someone of the same sex and not be anywhere near "gay"

 

It happens in the lifestyle all the time, usually with women, but sometimes with men too. It's a big thing only if you make it a big thing.

 

Also, another couple gives you some options as far as the other woman is concerned. He may find that given a choice, he'd prefer to be with women. It also lets him know that there are other men out there who are happily married, but like to play with another man on occasion.

 

I think that trying to pin down what makes a man "gay vs straight" is more complicated than most people realize and WAY more complicated than it is for females. Don't make a big deal of it, just relax and maybe even encourage him to play with the other guy and it will probably be just another thing he does when you're with another couple.

[safireblues 106]

I disagree with numbskulls, this isn't about labels. If you got a single male, you're not saying "you're gay"...who cares what the label is?

 

My husband is bi, and has had a few experiences in his life. He always hid this from prior girlfriends, and for a while, he hid parts of it (calls to gay chat lines, etc.) from me. He mostly felt dirty and ashamed about it, like there was something wrong with him, so he hid it. Of course, being a guy, he sucked at hiding it and I would always stumble on something!~

 

As another poster pointed out, this is all from years of conditioning for men where you hide parts of you that wouldn't be acceptable and put on a brave face. They must put it in the place where they put uncried tears, who knows.

 

The best thing I do is bring it up in bed. Men are by nature deviants and get turned on by filth, which is where the whole "taboo" of the man on man thing comes from. They like the attention, the deviance of it all. So when your man is horny, whisper things to him..."sometimes I fantasize that you and I are both playing with another man's cock"...

 

he'll be so turned on, he'll go with it. Start slow and build on the ideas. Later, let him know how much you like it, it turns you on, you love the openness with each other and being able to share your dirtiest fantasies. Repeat!~

[ownerspet 506]

I know someone suggested having him write down his fantasies, and I tend to agree with this if he doesn't seem to be able to open up.

 

If he received a negative reaction, the fear of rejection is probably stronger now than before. I beleive it's difficult for many people in our society to open up, due to what people often develop as a beleif of how people will accept them and their desires. These beliefs are basically fears that they have developed over time from society portraying an image that people of certain activities or lifestyles won't be accepted. So the soft handed acceptance of this, is probably the way you need to go.

 

I find that it is easier to write down or preferably type things out that are difficult to talk about (including fantasies, and they aren't even bi-sexual).

 

Although, I don't think it will work for you if you go about it in a manner as to say, "come write your fantasies down for me". You may want to just let him know that you're interested in exploring this side or adventure with him, but you'd really like to know more. And then say something to him like "So when you get a chance, write down or just type out on the computer in an email or word document or leave me a note with some details of your thoughts, urges, and/or desires." Assure him that you wont tell anyone with out his consent, so he may feel safer opening up to you. Then just wait, if it's a day, great, if it's a month great. Don't put a time constraint on it, because it may just add pressure.

 

If it's something he really wants, and you can gently let him know that you are ok with it, he may open totally back up.

 

One more note: When you get started down this journey be sure to move at the pace of the two of you which is the slowest, as this is a new avenue and it should really be something both of you want and are comfortable with.

[sexychoclit 32]

Just be patient with your husband. Most men will not admit to having sexual fantasies about another man. I love to watch gay porn and I have told the male half of the couple that I date that I would love to watch him be with another man. I don't think that I would want to watch him have sex with another man, but the thought of him receiving oral makes me hot. I don't know if he will ever do it and I don't know if I will look at him differently if he does. I guess we will have to wait and see.

 

I guess you should know that you could be "freaked out" if your husband is with another man. But if you open the can of worms then you have to be sure that you are going to be o.k. with it in the end. You can't say "it's o.k. for you to do this" and then turn around and say "I can't believe you did that". Just be careful, be sure and have fun.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

LadyFirst, It's been about a month since you originally posted this have you made any progress with your husband in bringing these topics back up and discussing them?

 

Also, How long has it been since the two of you were openly discussing swinging as a couple? Perhaps in these discussions if you slip in the idea that you might like to see him with another man, it may plant a seed. Sometimes just letting someone know that you are ok with their thoughts/fantasies is enough to get them to open up again. But it may take a bit to convince him that you really are ok with it and not just saying for his benefit.

 

I know you said you are the more computer savvy but maybe finding a way to leave him a link to this post might be an easy way for you to share your thoughts/feelings with him.

[ladyfirst 15]

OK....I'm back here. a little more than a month later and we still haven't jumped in. I'm just wondering if anybody else has experienced what I am in my relationship with a bi-hubby (who won't admit it) and how they deal with it. I found him again looking at male ads on craigs list and instead of asking again, I didn't say anything but now I'm a little worried again. I even did a google search looking for topics such as this but I found nothing. Seems like either you're gay or you're not and I don't have that trouble with him not getting an erection with me. Anybody got anything on this?????

[Additude 457]

I don't think he realizes how much you truly care and accepting you are of this. He either doesn't trust your feelings or there is some completely un-related reason he is persuing what he is doing and he doesn't want to tell you what that is either.

[Chicup 41]

The other possibility is that he is gay.

 

I've known two men who had wives and kids you later got divorced and moved in with other men, and this didn't come out until their 40's.

 

Just something to watch out for.