Open Marriage vs Swinging?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I really don't know there is technically a difference between an open marriage and swinging. I'd say it is that each of the spouse play separately, but I've seen people talking about swinging solo as well as with their spouse, so I'm not sure.

 

I don't understand how did this thread get to this point. Deciding what is swinging or not, is not the issue here. Nor is, if this will work for everyone.

 

Swinging, technically is having sex with people other than your partner. Be it married partner, long or short term committed relationship, or even girlfriend/ boyfriend. What ever, some form of relationship exists. Thats swinging in my definition. Having sex with other people ! period.

 

Open marriage, playing separate (with or without permission), or playing together. And all the scenarios that could possibly happen, are what you need to decide. You can see that there are many aspects and scenarios that happen in different ways with many of us here. Some work for others that would not work for all.

 

Its between you and your wife on how you pursue things. What rules or boundaries you may establish is the main importance. Is your relationship good enough to get enjoyment out of sex with other people, in a positive way no matter how you go about it ? Its not about us, or what we feel by definition.

 

Its about you two together.

 

What will happen now ?

 

How do each of you feel about each other having sex with someone els ?

 

Where do you see your relationship after having sex with other people ?

 

These are the things Mrs.fun and I talked about as much as what, by definition, everything was. We kept our relationship on top. Sex second. Other people third. We still do, and we are still swinging.

[rpu3 630]

... To be fair, couples enjoying the lifestyle together will enjoy more collective success than single individuals. There is one superior benefit to couples, both of whom are genuine swingers... each will be pleased and happy that the partner finds pleasure, joy, and fulfillment in a shared and participating experience. That doesn't happen with singles, open marriage or just singles. I'm in the 60 plus range and my opinion comes from observation over the years.

 

And being one in an open marriage, my opinion and experience is that we are both happy and fulfilled when we do swinging like activities or when we do open marriage like activities. We don't need to be in the same room being "genuine swingers" to find our own benefits which are superior only to ourselves, and not as a ranking system with others. I'm sure sure the other groups mentioned find that their own personal experience offers great and superior benefits... to them. It's great when swinging works out. There are definitely benefits to be had. But when we do our open marriage thing, it too is good. The two aren't compared and ranked and neither are the benefits found in each situation. Sharing via swinging as a couple with other couples doesn't automatically the make the benefits "superior".

 

Why can't we all just do whatever it is that makes us as couples and individuals happy and fulfilled, and accept that others might find that same happiness and fulfillment by a different method WITHOUT labeling one the resulting experience or benefit as "superior" to another?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't understand how did this thread get to this point. Deciding what is swinging or not, is not the issue here. Nor is, if this will work for everyone.

 

Swinging, technically is having sex with people other than your partner. Be it married partner, long or short term committed relationship, or even girlfriend/ boyfriend. What ever, some form of relationship exists. Thats swinging in my definition. Having sex with other people ! period.

 

Open marriage, playing separate (with or without permission), or playing together. .

 

Now you've opened a can of worms..... so are you saying that CHEATING IS SWINGING?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Now you've opened a can of worms..... so are you saying that CHEATING IS SWINGING?

 

I can see how that came across wrong and its my error stating anything like that . I could edit that but I wont, because it does need clarified .

 

 

There are certain couples who play separate with permission to begin with. Should they have the chance to play, they don't necessarily have to make a call and ask permission at the moment. And later give the details to their spouse. We have played with one woman that I didn't feel comfortable not knowing, or talking, to her husband. So I called him. He was in AZ and we were here. He let me know it would be fine nothing was out of the ordinary for them. I felt a little silly calling but still would do the same. There was no deception involved.

 

Now if it were a cheating situation deception is the difference.

 

Cheating is sex with others in a deceptive way !

 

Swinging is sex with others without deception, to anyone

 

Even so, This is all up to Geminigrey and his wife as to what they may do in their future. How they play with others needs to be defined between themselves.

[couplewanting50 65]

At this time, Mrs. CXXC plays individualy. She lets me know when and where she is at the time and then fills me in on the activities after. This works for her right now. She is not completely comfortable with being active as a couple with another couple at this time. As I have not started to "play" yet, we have not tested the waters with the separate play issue.

We are going to Desire Spa and Resort in a month and plan to "play" together there to see how she feels and how things work out. If she feels comfy with that activity then, we will move in that direction going forward.

I personally feel that we are in our present activity together as she tells me everything before, durring and after.

 

She is playing and you are not. She is not comfortable with you playing as a couple, with another couple? Why is that? Because you get to play?

[CXXC 435]

NO NO NO!!!!!

She actually encourages me to play. I simply am either to lazy or am waiting for us to play together. Really, I would rather play WITH her than be alone with another woman. I think it has to do with a fear that she will not like my playing after all. She tells me that this is silly. I know that I am being overly cautious. I over think things.

[sexyjarrett 15]

my husband and i are new to this whole thing. but we have agreed that we can swing as long as are together we are not cheating on each other but is we do it away from each other then it is cheating and then it is grounds for even a divorce!! I know that, that my seem harsh but it was the grounds that we agreed on... and that is how we feel if and when we ever get to swing we will be a same room swap and even join in on each other!!!!

[havefuninsun 122]

Interesting thread.

 

The one thing I will offer to the newbies -- the ones just starting out or the ones looking for their first experience is this: it all seems to evolve one way or the other. What might feel like cheating today may not a year from now.

 

We first started out with guidelines, and except for the condom rule, I don't think any of the other guidelines are still in place. We were same room, full swap, and girls could play if they wanted to.

 

Since then, we've had separate room experiences, and Mr. Fun has even met one of our female playmates alone without me (damn work schedule! LOL). When we first started, there's NO WAY I would have seen that coming!

 

All of us know our relationships and what we all can handle. You also have to know yourself. If you're the type that can start falling for someone who you're alone naked with, seeing someone on your own, or having an open marriage, probably won't work for you. And that's fine. Just because you're experimenting and having a fun adventure doesn't mean you have to experience it all. I mean, does everyone hit every ride and experience everything there is to do at Disneyworld? Some do, most don't.

 

So, it's all good, as long as no one is getting hurt. Each couple should enjoy each other, and the ones they want to enjoy otherwise, as it works for them.

[CXXC 435]

havefuninsun

I have to agree. In the research that we have done over the last few months, it is true that swinging is in conastant flux. What you may be against in the begining, you become a champion for later.

That being said, my situation is, in my opinion, different than most in that I have not started to "play". This is not for a lack of desire or really any fear. As I have thought about it and disscused this with the Mrs. it is simply a matter of making the time and getting the energy to do so. Again, My job will send me anywhere on the earth at the drop of a hat. Point and case, I was away 8 out of the last 12 months. When I get home, I just want to be home!

My desire to share my wife with another couple is out of a desire to be together at all times when we can. If I find that I have an oportunity to play on my own, rest assured, I will not pass this up. Largely due to the fact that my wife expects and approves of this.

I guess you could say we have a swinging open marriage. Huh! Go figure!

[sexychoclit 32]

I think that an open marriage is more "don't ask, don't tell". Swinging is when the couples choose to allow other sexual partners into their lives. How they choose to do it could be by playing together, playing separately, watching while the other one plays, etc. However, they still have the consent of the other person. A person going outside of their relationship without the other partners knowledge and lies about it if they are confronted is just plain cheating.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think that an open marriage is more "don't ask, don't tell". Swinging is when the couples choose to allow other sexual partners into their lives. How they choose to do it could be by playing together, playing separately, watching while the other one plays, etc. However, they still have the consent of the other person. A person going outside of their relationship without the other partners knowledge and lies about it if they are confronted is just plain cheating.

 

 

I think you'll find that is going to depend a LOT on the couple in question. MOST open marriages that I know are just that OPEN in that they are very open with each other about what they are each doing, the big difference between those who classify themselves as open (typically) and swingers who play seperately is that those in the open relationship and have OPEN permission set - as in they have permission from the start to do who they want rather than having to get permission on each individual beforehand. The discussions after the fact tend to be the same (as far as filling the other partner in on the details).

 

That said, I know there are some that fall into the generalization that you made... and I think that those couples are probably the ones that others look at and base their view of open marriage being a bad thing that pulls the couple apart (because they aren't really being open, are they?!).

[ownerspet 506]

I know what I think on this subject? I'm just currious as to what everyone here thinks, because I saw a thread that got me thinking. Is swinging and open-marriage the same thing? If you think it is or is not, then tell us why or why not?

[two42lovers 273]

Depends on what is meant by "open". Our guess is you will get as many different opinions as we saw in Lee's "Are You A Swinger?" thread, both as to what open verses swinging means, and whether talking about such labels is useful or not.

 

In our opinion swinging is a version of open marriage - assuming the swingers are in fact married. (Closed marriage = monogamy, verses open marriage = outside partners are approved.

[gnb4u 15]

I think they are completely different. To me swinging is something that a couple does together and has a strict set of rules under which they operate.

 

Whereas an in an open marriage the individuals may choose to be married and they may still have a set of rules they follow but they are each able to pursue and enjoy separate relationships on their own outside of their marriage.

 

For us when we swing it is something we do together and is part of our sex life as a couple. We do not each pursue our own interests or engage in any kind of sex or relationships without the other.

 

The only thing that separates us from June and Ward Clever ( from the TV show "Leave it to Beaver" for those of you under 35:lol:) is that we sometimes share our bed with others on a purely recreational basis.

 

Those in open marriages often have "relationships" in addition to their primary marriage. We call ourselves "sexual swingers but emotional monogamists."

 

Obviously the lines between "open marriage" and "polyamorous" and "swinging separately" etc can get pretty blurry and often overlap at various points.

[rpu3 630]

I think both are in the same "family", definitely related, and definitely both "alternative".

 

Whether or not the have the same definition ends up a personal choice.

 

I view the term open marriage more as a catch-all for a non-monogamous marriage. Swinging and poly and fuck buddies or friends with benefits all tend to fall into this catch all for me.

 

I think open marriage is more descriptive of our relationship together. But we might swing or have friends with benefits, or the like, and those are more descriptive of the what we are doing with those other people. So, open marriage is what we are as a couple. But in relation to others, we may swing or have individual friends w/benefits, etc. Don't know if it makes much sense, but that's where my opinion lies.

[Pensacolapair 394]

Depends on what is meant by "open"....

 

Agreed! It's all about how you define it. The people we've known who consider themselves in 'open' marriages have seek out and have sex with others separate from their spouses. And our experience has been that they tend to shun the idea of involving others in sex between themselves and their spouse.

 

"Po-tay-toe or po-taa-to?"

[MIbbwcpl 67]

So newbie here.. the wife and I have decided that our marriage is 'open', meaning that if we met someone we want to have sex, we have approval to go play. It's still in the theoretical stage at this point, but it's still early on.

 

I think the difference in what we're looking at and swinging is that even though we're a couple, I don't know that we'll play together. Honestly, I think she's more comfortable with the idea of having one-on-one with someone she's built up a friendship with than being 'exposed' to several people. Self-conscious and all that.

 

Which actually puts me in a worse boat than if I were a single man. The assumption (and probably with good reason!) is that a married man playing alone is cheating on their spouse, which is worse than some single guy just trying to get laid. Of course, that sounds like I'm being whiny. I'm not really out and looking for people to go have sex with, I'm just leaving the door open to possibility.

I can honestly see your worry. As a couple, we are put off by people who claim it's ok for them to play alone, unless I've heard from the other half myself that it's ok. We don't wish to get involved in cheating. Too messy, too much drama. I don't know an easy solution to your problem, unless there is some way for your wife to tell others it's ok, w/o it being too awkward for her.

 

I'm not saying you're in an impossible situation, just an interesting one. Good luck!

[slevin 1,374]

Yeah, in this case it's a little less likely to happen, since dude lives in England, but still. I've tried to get on SL, but like you said, it's just boring to me. Early on I brought up the option of divorce to the wife, and she's insistent that that's not what she wants. *shrugs* So we continue to try to work on things, and life goes on.

 

I won't try and claim I know a whole lot about swinging or open relationships since we've only been swinging for less than a year, but we have been together for a long time and I think I've got a decent handle on building and keeping a healthy relationship.

 

To me her online addiction is a symptom of her being bored with her life, you mentioned some depression, she doesn't know what she wants (the shrugs) and is enthralled with her online game and the people she is meeting there. She is hiding within there to shelter herself from the monotony of her daily life. You can't force her out of that place, you can only control yourself and your own actions. I hesitate to get too personal, but if you're not comfortable answering just think about a few things to yourself: do you have many hobbies that get you out of the house? Are you physically active (playing sports, going to the gym etc.)? Do you go out a few nights with your friends on your own? Do you and your wife do anything together (hobbies, travel, trying new experiences other than having sex with others ?

 

When my relationship was at a point where this kind of thing was happening (although not to quite the same degree I'll admit) what got us past it, and brought us closer together, was me getting out and being active outside of the house. Spending time with friends, trying new activities, meeting new people (just friends, not sex), picking up old hobbies and generally leading an exciting life. Doing things that were fun and exciting to me. After a little while of seeing me having such a great time my wife poked her head out of her stupor a bit and rather than just waiting for her to tell me what she wanted to do, or ask her how she felt I lead her into my exciting life. One day when she seemed to be in less of a funk I told her that she and I were heading out for the night. She jumped at the chance for a night out together and I took her out for a date just the two of us. After that I started to get her out doing activities that we'd used to do together and things that I know she loves to do. Trying new things together, doing activities we both loved and sometimes activities only one of us loved (I so love to see her super excited and am happy to sit through the opera to see that).

 

What happened with us is that we'd gotten bogged down into a monotonous life together. We had stopped doing the things we loved to do and forgot what it was like to have an exciting relationship. I have made a point to ensure that we don't slip back to that. It doesn't mean that every night or every week we have to be doing crazy new things, but we consistently are doing something we find fun and we try new things together or do old things that we love whenever we can. Focusing on that has meant we haven't slipped back again and we both have been happy and get closer all the time.

 

My advice, take it for what it is (not trying to say I know all your problems lol, it just seems a lot similar to your situation).

 

Take care and good luck with everything!

[dayhiker 83]

Your are a wise man sevin .. more couples in trouble need to think about your post.

 

thanks

[hotwife_jenna 55]

We started as a traditional swing couple and slowly migrated to an open relationship. I travel alot for work and it just worked for us. We still play together when we get a chance, but most often play separately.

 

PS. One of our rules is that we must tell the other immediately after playing alone.

[Begood03 15]

I am for swinging, but against an open marriage. To me it is all about trust, and I myself don't feel we would have the same amount of trust if we were having sex with other people when we were without each other.

[willyoats 324]

The early years of our marriage were filled with ho-hum sex. Around year 4 we discussed having other partners and agreed to do that. We did a little fooling around with friends but no real sex. Then some guy at work got her into bed. It was OK for her but not really great. After 8 or 10 encounters, he moved away and it was over. It just satisfied her curiosity about whether there was better sex out there, and she never wanted to do that again.

 

Knowing about it really turned me on, and that made a big difference in our sex life for a long time.

 

After a few more years, we were having great sex, but I was starting to wish I could have another partner just to see what it would be like. There was nothing wrong with the marriage; maybe it was only what you might call a mid-life crisis. That's when we started swinging. That improved our sex life even more.

 

Now, I am the only one who has other partners but always with her complete knowledge and approval.

 

So, we started out "open", switched to regular swinging, and ended up "open" again.