Body Image Issues: he wants to contact hotter women

[jnbsmokin 29]

A lot of you know why I have major body issues. My problem comes from J....

 

All he ever wants to flirt/email/friend list, are these women who have obviously never had a child or look to be preteens!!!! I should mention that most people my age look like kids to me, and there is no way in hell I can be around the girls that act or look childish. I'm serious, you know what I mean, the ones that look like they played in mom's makeup trying to look grown. And then pose as if in a game of truth or dare with their girl scout troup... It is driving me crazy!!!!! I know it's not just pms, he did this the last time we joined aff. He keeps saying, "why should I fuck an ugly chick or somebody with a bad body?" And, "If I'm going to fuck someone else, they will be hot, and why not have the hottest chick I can?"

I have to explain, The 2 men we had join for the 3 3-somes, well, lets just say I took one for the team!!! I didn't want J to feel bad because he is a larger balding man.

But he doesn't seem to care about my comfort in this. He claims to love my body, the body type, shape, and size, but yet he turns down everyone similar to me???!!! There have been Mr Fitness contenders looking for 3-somes and he flips out if I act like I would do it, "Oh, I see, you lie when you say I'm sexy to you and that you love my body." Um well no, I prefer more of a teddy bear kind of guy. He ignores the fact that I say no. So I end up having to email people saying, "I'm sorry, the female half (me) said no, but if you are interested in a 3-some with him, I can voice-verify my permission." They never write back... But anyway, I just don't know quite what to do! I want us to stay in the lifestyle, but I just can't be comfortable with the women he wants. What would you do?

I want to thank everyone for reading, I'm sure I am driving a lot of you crazy.... lol Welcome to my world... lol

Brandy

I don't mean to be a whinny ass.... but how can I handle my first couple or bi or J with another woman, when he picks women that either look like a kid or make me feel like the "take one for the team"? There is no way I could do my bi thing with somebody that holds no attraction for me.

[jnbsmokin 29]

I just realised that it's a book-length post, I'm sorry! Once I started letting it all out, it wouldn't stop. I don't have any "real life" friends, so this is the only place I feel I can dump it all out, and just maybe, somebody here will have been through this and advise me on a path or solution.

[Bama0468 93]

Well it sounds like you have attempted to talk to him about how you feel, have you tried the "how would you feel if I went after these guys?" and showed him a few he already threw a fit about, Some of us guys are dense as hell and need the 'Logic' end of it shown to us as or ability to communicate emotion is some what lacking.

Maybe even trying putting things on pause while you communicate.

 

just my thoughts from the male side, I know I have had times of apprehension with the wife and a more physicaly appealing Male. and on a side note Yes everyone has the right to go after what they want (cause I know someone will mention it after I say this but almost sounds ( from what you said he said) that he is notching the bed post so to speak to boost his ego.

[sweet_tna 680]

I was gonna' say pretty much what Bama did. Sometimes our men are just plain clueless and don't see that they're setting a double standard. And in J's case, it could be completely unintentional. So pull up those muscle-man pics and pics of the hotties he wants. Show him that you BOTH need to feel comfortable with whom the other has chosen. Ya'll can work this out, but it's gonna' take a lot more talkin'.

 

=)

[TNT 1,155]

First...Don't ever worry about your post being too long...the more information the easier it is to give advice.

 

You've ran into one of the problems with swinging with couples...finding four people who are all attracted to each other.

 

I wouldn't worry about him e-mailing/chatting whatever with younger, hotter women...that may be the kind of woman he picks but, they also have to pick him.

 

He keeps saying, "why should I fuck an ugly chick or somebody with a bad body?" And, "If I'm going to fuck someone else, they will be hot, and why not have the hottest chick I can?"

I have to explain, The 2 men we had join for the 3 3-somes, well, lets just say I took one for the team!!! I didn't want J to feel bad because he is a larger balding man.

But he doesn't seem to care about my comfort in this. He claims to love my body, the body type, shape, and size, but yet he turns down everyone similar to me???!!! There have been Mr Fitness contenders looking for 3-somes and he flips out if I act like I would do it, "Oh, I see, you lie when you say I'm sexy to you and that you love my body."

 

It seems to me that you should give his words back to him...

 

 

As to what to do...you both have to be in agreement on the couple you play with...if you're not, resentment will eventually set in if one of you feels like you've taken one for the team.

 

Swinging is suppose to be fun...for both of you.

 

 

 

Teresa

[jnbsmokin 29]

Thanks Bama!

We had been on AFF about 1 1/2yr ago, and I deleted our profile because of the same stuff. He is definitly after an ego boost, what's better than being married to a 13yr younger woman? Swinging with younger, whole-bodied girls! And oh yeah, I have rubbed pics of the willing men in his face, and he doesn't like it, but it doesn't affect his opinion. I think what bothers me the most, is his continual flirting/hotlisting/emailing to couples when I say no, it's the rule, one says no, then it's a no, period. But I'm willing to let him just go without me if the other couples would like it. Then he pulls out the "we only swing together". It's like he feels only I should follow rules, because he keeps breaking the 2 yeses or it's a no rule, just as before.

[jnbsmokin 29]

First...Don't ever worry about your post being too long...the more information the easier it is to give advice.

 

You've ran into one of the problems with swinging with couples...finding four people who are all attracted to each other.

 

I wouldn't worry about him e-mailing/chatting whatever with younger, hotter women...that may be the kind of woman he picks but, they also have to pick him.

 

 

 

It seems to me that you should give his words back to him...

 

 

As to what to do...you both have to be in agreement on the couple you play with...if you're not, resentment will eventually set in if one of you feels like you've taken one for the team.

 

Swinging is suppose to be fun...for both of you.

 

 

 

Teresa

 

It's funny you say that, they say yes because he doesn't mention that I had said no from the get-go, and that I just don't want them. It's like he strings them hoping I will change my mind or that because I am a sub, that I will go ahead and bend my will. I did that with the 3 mfm, never again. I did not enjoy the mfm at all and couldn't even look the guys in the face. It's like history is repeating itself. It's this kind of bs that made me delete our memberships (yeah, we were paid then too) and say frack it.

[Bama0468 93]

Well if the mutual consent isn't being followed then it is definitly time to Pause and regroup, I wish you well.

[TNT 1,155]

It's funny you say that, they say yes because he doesn't mention that I had said no from the get-go, and that I just don't want them. It's like he strings them hoping I will change my mind or that because I am a sub, that I will go ahead and bend my will.

 

I'm curious...I didn't see a picture of him on your SLS profile so, has he shared pictures of himself? I only ask because you described him as a larger, balding man...In my experience with younger (early 20s) women is that most, not all, are rather shallow and tend to want the more hard bodied, younger man.

 

Also, this may seem mean but...if he strings them along after you've said no...why don't you just get on line and tell them, No Thank You, we're not interested.

 

 

Teresa

[Bama0468 93]

His pic is there I saw it...had to log in to see it but its there, By the way your a hottie!

[TNT 1,155]

His pic is there I saw it...had to log in to see it but its there, By the way your a hottie!

 

Thanks...my bad.

 

 

Teresa

[jnbsmokin 29]

Thanks Bama... lol

There is a couples pic of us on here on my profile too, although it is from 06... the face shot on sls is newer of him.

[jnbsmokin 29]

I'm curious...I didn't see a picture of him on your SLS profile so, has he shared pictures of himself? I only ask because you described him as a larger, balding man...In my experience with younger (early 20s) women is that most, not all, are rather shallow and tend to want the more hard bodied, younger man.

 

Also, this may seem mean but...if he strings them along after you've said no...why don't you just get on line and tell them, No Thank You, we're not interested.

 

 

Teresa

 

I do email them, and I can understand him wanting the hottest he can find, but at the same time, I absolutely do not get along with people in my age group... at all! In fact, I have fixed our aff settings for 30-55. Sadly, that only checks the older half. And when I offer them a chance for a 3-some with J, they stop talking... Which is my little evil way of saying no.. and making a point to J, it makes him feel like the "take one". But he has to understand that I won't just give in to him, just because he wants it.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

jnbsmokin~

 

I think you and your husband are playing a lot of games with each other and fooling yourselves about many things surrounding swinging. It's time to look beyond the one-ups you're throwing each other and get real.

 

From what you've written, here is what I understand:

 

1. You don't feel comfortable about your body and are intimidated by women who you feel look more attractive.

2. Your husband doesn't feel comfortable about his looks either, since he doesn't like you having interest in or playing with better looking men than himself.

3. You're only swinging experience has been with single males in threesums (and you said in another post that those weren't good experiences).

4. You've not yet met couples or played with them so I imagine that you've not met with any of the women (I presume they are of couples) that your husband continually emails and flirts with.

5. You want one thing, your husband wants another, and neither of you is willing to budge. What you both want is very restrictive and you aren't willing to expand on who you will consider swinging with. Example: you don't want to play with women your age and your husband only has interest in women your age.

 

You've taken one for the team and you don't want to do that again. That's good because doing so never works.

 

From what you've described of your husband's online activities, I don't think his primary interest (anymore) is swinging, rather, he is a cyber swinger - he probably realizes that's likely all he's ever going to get since you two can't come to terms on meeting people. His interest in swinging is no doubt still there, but he's realized he's got to get his fix/fun/sex through the keyboard. He's enjoying the ego-boost that you mention. There are plenty of women who have fun with that - no matter who the person is - and these women never have intentions of meeting. Sometimes knowing they are turning on a guy who they'd never let near them for sex is a game for them they enjoy.

 

You mention that you are in a sub relationship with your husband. This probably plays a role in how he sees things and why he may be expecting you to bend to what he wants. Maybe it's time to take a look at that relationship and how well it's working in your marriage overall, not just in regards to sex or swinging.

 

I'm sorry I can't be positive here, but I'm not getting an indication that there is anything positive in your stance at this point. Either you'll both have to make some big changes in your view of yourself and others, be more flexible, agree to some rules and stick to them, or swinging isn't going to ever turn out like you are hoping.

 

LM

[Guest screaminggood]

You have so many things going on in your life right now...and they're all affecting each other. Tell him that y'all need to pause for a time so you can work out some stuff in your mind. Then put your ads on "taking a break" status, and just take time, major time, to breathe and think things through in your mind before trying to talk to him again. Ask yourself what YOU want from the lifestyle compared to what he wants. What's working for you and what's not. What are you willing to do because you love him and what are you not willing to do. Be completely firm in your mind before you talk to him....and then stick to your own decisions. It will feel scary but it's the only way you'll be satisfied with your lifestyle.

 

Email as long and as often as you like---we're here for you!

[personal416 71]

jnbsmokin~

 

I think you and your husband are playing a lot of games with each other and fooling yourselves about many things surrounding swinging. It's time to look beyond the one-ups you're throwing each other and get real.

 

From what you've written, here is what I understand:

 

1. You don't feel comfortable about your body and are intimidated by women who you feel look more attractive.

2. Your husband doesn't feel comfortable about his looks either, since he doesn't like you having interest in or playing with better looking men than himself.

3. You're only swinging experience has been with single males in threesums (and you said in another post that those weren't good experiences).

4. You've not yet met couples or played with them so I imagine that you've not met with any of the women (I presume they are of couples) that your husband continually emails and flirts with.

5. You want one thing, your husband wants another, and neither of you is willing to budge. What you both want is very restrictive and you aren't willing to expand on who you will consider swinging with. Example: you don't want to play with women your age and your husband only has interest in women your age.

 

You've taken one for the team and you don't want to do that again. That's good because doing so never works.

 

From what you've described of your husband's online activities, I don't think his primary interest (anymore) is swinging, rather, he is a cyber swinger - he probably realizes that's likely all he's ever going to get since you two can't come to terms on meeting people. His interest in swinging is no doubt still there, but he's realized he's got to get his fix/fun/sex through the keyboard. He's enjoying the ego-boost that you mention. There are plenty of women who have fun with that - no matter who the person is - and these women never have intentions of meeting. Sometimes knowing they are turning on a guy who they'd never let near them for sex is a game for them they enjoy.

 

You mention that you are in a sub relationship with your husband. This probably plays a role in how he sees things and why he may be expecting you to bend to what he wants. Maybe it's time to take a look at that relationship and how well it's working in your marriage overall, not just in regards to sex or swinging.

 

I'm sorry I can't be positive here, but I'm not getting an indication that there is anything positive in your stance at this point. Either you'll both have to make some big changes in your view of yourself and others, be more flexible, agree to some rules and stick to them, or swinging isn't going to ever turn out like you are hoping.

 

LM

 

That pretty much sums up what I'm thinking too.

[socolais 696]

LM, I admire your communication skills. I had a long post all typed up that had many of the same thoughts you expressed. After proofing it, I decided my words did not convey my thoughts constructively. I'm glad you jumped in where you saw a need and did your part to provide helpful guidance in the way you typically do so well.

 

The trick that remains, is to see the wisdom in your words and take action to find a suitable resolution.....

[funfrkycpl 77]

It doesn't seem that either of you are ready to be in or have an understanding of the lifestyle. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, some people just can't handle the emotions that are involved. This lifestyle isn't for everyone. It seems that you are both playing mind games with each other and that alone should be a red flag for you both that you aren't ready. Maybe you guys should take a step back and reevaluate things before you continue to pursue this lifestyle.

 

It isn't worth ruining your marriage over!

[shymxcpl 71]

I'm not sure, but it sounds to me that much of what you're doing, you're doing it to please him in some way. I really think you should stop all together and reorganize your thoughts.

 

What would you do if you could do anything you wanted? What would make YOU happy?

 

Speaking for myself I WOULD love my wife to find herself the best partner she could. Even if he was better looking/bigger/better in bed... etc...

 

For me it's all about enjoyment... hers and mine. If someone is not enjoying it (like your 3somes) then you're not doing it right.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Reading it sounds like you are really both in the same situation... just reacting to it differently.

 

You both would like to play with people you find attractive (even potentially more attractive than your spouse). The only difference is that since you are a sub when he says no you say ok and move on and just feel hurt and dejected. But since he has the power when you say no he just does what he wants to do. He knows he'll never actually get to meet these women but it's an ego boost to continue to talk with them online (at the very least).

 

The only way this will change is if your relationship changes. It sounds to me from reading your posts that while you are the sub in the relationship you aren't totally a whole-hearted sub. You would like to be able to do what makes you happy but you forgo what makes you happy to make him happy. Anytime this happens, it is going to cause major issues in a relationship. There has to be compramise where both can be happy with the end results. If you keep pushing and pulling at each other the way you are you will never get anywhere and I'm guessing this push and pull probably goes beyond just swinging. If so, it could easily lead to the demise of your relationship altogether.

 

The only advice I have at this point is that you need to learn how to express yourself to him without any fear of being stepped on or subjugated as a less important individual in the relationship. Relationships are about equality not about one partner having their way and the other partner going along for the ride.

[jnbsmokin 29]

The biggest issue for me, is him saying how he is only attracted to women that are more like me, but then says he is not attracted to them when I show him a profile. Age is an issue for me, as I truely can't stand people my age, they just seem silly to me......As I am sure I look silly to most of the people here. But I have gone through too much hell in my life to even hold a conversation with someone who has the typical early-mid 20's cares and worries. You know how you can look into a person's eyes or face and tell if they have ever had to face a real hardship or problem? I just can't seem to connect with those that seem to have never had their will tested, I just feel there is nothing in common. Granted, we aren't looking to marry a couple, but I do have to be able to hold a conversation with them. And all he is thinking about is sex with a chick hotter than his wife. He turns down anybody that looks like they have eaten in the past month, but tells me I shouldn't try so hard to lose weight?

I am intimidated by women that have perfect boobs and no mommy tummy, whether it's from surgery to fix or if they have just been that lucky. I don't hold it against them, but I can't take another one for the team. Doing that before has caused problems because now he expects me to. And really, I have no desire to be with other men, never did, not before or after the mfms. I did out of love for him, it was something he had been wanting for almost all of the time we have been together. I've always wanted to try bi, there has always been a plain and simple attraction to the female form, even though I don't tend to get along with most females. I am a very outgoing loner.... lol I prefer having gay men as friends... Mi vida loco

[knb2004 364]

I think overall LM had an excellent response and some excellent points. I do want to add one thought, though.

 

It seems to me that BOTH of you are having issues with your other half being attracted to someone who is, real or perceived, more attractive than you are. In other words, it's fine if you fuck someone besides me, as long as they're not hotter than me. It also seems like this feeling isn't being stated outright by either of you, but is just below the surface.

 

I suppose some people have that rule (outright and stated), but the real underlying cause of it is fear. Fear that if your spouse actually does have sex with someone hotter than you are, it could very well end up that he/she will attempt to leave you for the hottie. Personally, for Mrs. knb and myself, that's not something we've ever worried about, because it doesn't matter how hot, young, perfect, or sexually talented a playmate may be, I'm 110% sure that shes going home with me at the end of the night, as she is of me- but it seems to me that neither of you may be that sure. Granted, this is a learning process, and you guys are relatively unexperienced, but I suggest you discuss this point: Do you both believe, absolutely and to your core, that no matter what happens you're going home together?

 

Mr. knb

[jnbsmokin 29]

I don't think I have clarified a very important point, I'm really not attracted to the gym rats/beach boys/body builders (no offense meant to the buff men...). I never have been. I truely am attracted to the older, not-so-slim type, and I love body hair on a man(most places). What bothers me I guess, is that he sets out with the sole intention of finding people only better looking than myself, it feels like he is screaming, "You just aren't attractive enough for me, and since I don't want to pay child support, I'll swing to get what I should have had."

 

I guess it's petty for me to want to be comfortable, to not spend the entire time comparing myself to somebody else. I just don't know, I want to swing, but he has to start being more considerate to my needs. I feel we should swing with those on par with our own looks at least until I am comfortable in the situation, but I suppose that too is petty. lol

 

 

I don't mean to sound snippy, I really don't, everyone has been nice, so nice to me here. It's just that we agreed to talk only to those we both would be comfortable being naked with, and now it feels like he is breaking our rule.

[Bama0468 93]

no personal comfort is never petty, stop/pause and communicate, all have given good advice and asked for more info to which you provided. Talking it out here may help you organize thoughts better to communicate it more effectively to him, but to resolve the issue you will need to communicate with you mate.

[jnbsmokin 29]

no personal comfort is never petty, stop/pause and communicate, all have given good advice and asked for more info to which you provided. Talking it out here may help you organize thoughts better to communicate it more effectively to him, but to resolve the issue you will need to communicate with you mate.

 

I don't speak man.... lol So yeah, I am working on how to talk about it. Talking here will help me stay calm and collected when I talk to him. I like to plan conversations.. lol I'm a nerd in hiding.... I'll blog that at some point.... I can read 800+pages a day without issue, but when it comes to saying what I need to, well I can't seem to focus....

[jnbsmokin 29]

Julie?

Can I give rep to everyone who is helping me with this? A group rep? lol Nobody has been mean, even when their opinion wasn't happy news, and I appreciate all of it!!!!!

 

I normally will not be on during weekends, so if I don't talk to ya'll before then, Have a frackin fantastic weekend!!!!!!!!

[Bama0468 93]

Have a good weekend darlin' we are here if you need us

[socolais 696]

... I want to swing,...

 

Are you sure you understand WHY you want to swing???

 

What do you intend to get out of it???

 

Who do you think is going to want to swing with you two??? and why? (assume all your potential playmates can clearly see the potential drama in your eyes)

[funfrkycpl 77]

Who do you think is going to want to swing with you two??? and why? (assume all your potential playmates can clearly see the potential drama in your eyes)

 

For us when we see the first hint of potential drama we run the other way. Until you work things out and get on the same page you may find a lot of couples doing the same thing. Experienced swingers tend to have a sixth sense for these kind of things and whether you realize it or not you guys are probably giving off all kinds of signs that you are a potential drama bomb waiting to explode.

 

It has been our experience that drama attracts drama and other potential drama bombs are what you will probably attract.

[lustylearning 705]

It sounds like you guys need to talk a lot more. Perhaps you should show him this thread. If your goal as swingers is to be happy and on the same page, you're miles away from it. You describe a situation in which you're both entrenched in a sort of battle position. There is no winning in that. Better to have a war of words now than years of swinger games to come. Honestly, what have you got to lose by forcing the issue?

[sereneiders 263]

I think part of this is his lack of tact, and another part of this is your body issues.

 

You shouldn't take one for the team. Right. But, what's the motivation behind your will to ban another couple? That you dislike the guy? Or that your husband likes a gal that doesn't look the way you do? (with your body issues, I am pretty sure you'd read this a "a gal prettier than you"... but, that's just you and your body issues).

 

I guess you two have a lot to talk... but given your body issues, some topics become difficult to bring up.

 

So, I'll talk of myself, a seldom fat guy with my own body issues. I know my wife likes me... and that she liked my body better years ago, when I was slim. She likes slim guys, and I am fat. Let's deal with this. She's still next to me, awakes next to me, no matter which adonis had sex with her the evening before. She keeps choosing me, over and over and over. Not because of my body (obviously) but because of everything else of what I am.

 

And this is the way it have to be.

 

Now, if I were overly sensitive about my body issues, it's very likely that se won't tell me. She would do her best to halp me feel better about myself, to avoid hurting me... and she would avoid commenting "she liked me better when I was slim". And again, this is the way it have to be.

 

As for my wife, she may pick an adonis... and also pick guys like myself. And this makes a difference. And I wouldn't ban a couple just because he's the adonis I am not... and that makes a difference.

 

Honesty is overestimated. You're asking him to be honest, and with your every day attitudes, you're also aking him to be very carefull about your body issues, to avoid hurting you. You also want to swing, and want to indulge his desires... and yes, it's very likely he'll look in someone else for features he knows you don't (and probabily won't) have, for a little while, just for fun, before returning to your arms.

 

So, you're giving him a thin thread where to walk... and he doesn't seem to be too proficient in walking on thin threads.

 

He may relinkish some of his wishes for a playmate to protect you. Or you could valuate yourself fow what you are besides your body, and allow him to openly admit what's binding him to you... besides your body, and EVEN with your body.

 

Anyway, I am not sure if you two are swinging for the right reasons today. If he does it looking for features you don't have... and if you do it looking for a reasurance about his tastes. Should he were picking women more like yourself... wouldn't this help you "indulge yourself"?

 

You have to work on your body issues, better say, in your self esteem beyond your body issues... and it would be nice if he helps you out a little bit.

[sexcupid 809]

Hi Brandy!

 

Coming from someone who has some body issues at times....it really is hard to overlook when your partner is perving someone that you percieve to be hotter than you or more in line with what you think his 'preferences' are.

 

If your sweetie is anything like mine, then he may have a loose filter (the one between his mind and his mouth ). Some things that have popped out of my SO's mouth seriously make me do a double take and think, 'wtf?' And a few of them have been on my appearance, his preferences, other women, their atributes, etc.

 

Most times I just let them roll off...but there are times the comments really get to me. He has been told repeatedly, and it finally sunk in. I guess my distinction is passing comment (did you see that girl in the blue dress?) vs a monologue (talking about the girl in the blue dress for 20 mintues).

 

When he looks at profiles...he looks at what I consider the hot girls...he's very well aware that most of them wouldn't give him the time of day...but he likes to look. He does leave the finding of playmates up to me because he does want me to be comfortable...but we still both have the 'veto' if we meet and are not attracted to someone, regardless of the reason.

 

And quite honestly I don't deal well with people my own age either. When I was in my early 20s, I had 2 kids and a husband to take care of and just didn't have time for the airheaded bullshit. I just couldn't relate. It has gotten better since I'm now in my late 20s and most people close to my age now have similar experiences.

 

Does he know that the MFM situations were not good experiences for you?

 

I'm somewhat of a sub in our relationship too...but there is a difference between being a sub and a doormat...a dom and an asshole. Many people think those things are interchangable, they aren't.

 

Please keep posting!

[Cpl2share 147]

Coming at this from a different direction: Mrs. Cpl loves me with every fiber of her being and she has never had an orgasm with another man. That may and probably will change some day, but it is the plain truth. For play partners she is normally much more attracted to men who are taller and heavier than me. She has had more "fun" with them than men who were built like me. One of those partners was only about half the size in the penis department. I love Mrs. Cpl more than life itself, and she can give me wood just by looking at me (after 18 yrs of marriage mind you!). I am more attracted to playpartners who are taller, skinnier, heavier, older than her. Why? Because I know her and can have her any time she wants me LOL. That is part of why we play. Variety. It is an ego boost to have someone else interested in me. If your hubby is cultivating the younger, societal "10" it is simply an attempt to boost his own self esteme. This is nto to say that he is being fair to you, it is just an explaination. Our opinion is the same as pretty much every other response: Step back and re-evaluate your relationship in regards to swinging.

[jnbsmokin 29]

He makes me feel like a blind three-legged dog that was let into the dogshow on a clerical error.... we have put actual swinging on hold right now, at least until the hydroxycut and speed walking start showing results.... We will become free members on aff, but the sls is paid for a few....

[ALilOEverything 901]

Spend the time on your break accepting yourself as you are and realize that your attitude from within is what's truly going to make you one of the "beautiful" people. Bright eyes, a big smile and a positive attitude is what really makes you sexy. And also remember, swinging isn't a competition, it's about enjoying variety. It would be no fun if everyone was perfect.

 

I had a lot of the same concerns you do at first but when I realized what I wrote above it really made it all easier. I'm now 33, a mom of 4 with all the badges of motherhood, but still a hot sexy mama

[jnbsmokin 29]

Thanks everyone!!!!

I am working on that infamous last 20lbs right now. I'm 5'7 and my goal is 124... I'm at 144. Hydroxycut and now up to 7miles in the fitness room are making me feel better!

Yes, he knows I didn't I hated those 3-somes. Ad promised not to ask unless I found someone I wanted to do that with. We have been talking about having an open marriage, but I don't know yet, not sure how that would feel.

[SW_MS_CPL 15]

I definately agree with likeminds. As far as your self image, well judging from your picture, you have nothing to worry about. Maybe you should both take a step back though and evaluate what it is exactly that you want from the lifestyle.

[jnbsmokin 29]

I actually deleted the aff account yesterday. It turns out that he was upset by the "fit & buff" single males/couples flirting and such. He wasn't taking the time to realise that I didn't initiate contact with them. So he was trying "to get his back", when he had jumped to conclusions in the first place.... Some men! But he has apologised and we will be swinging at some point, and I'm keeping our sls open and will still be paid untill July or August. Things are kind of crazy now anyway. I'm going back to school for more photography courses and trying to set up a trip to go to NYC to see the endometriosis specialist and set a surgery date, so it's better this way.

And thank you SWMS! I'll take that as a compliment, and those are always appreciated. But if you had seen a before baby pic, you might agree with me on my having work to do.... lol

We are stepping back, but being nosy as I am, I don't plan to leave the board, I have met too many great people here to willingly give it up.. Plus, there is a lot of great info!

[funfrkycpl 77]

We think you are making the right decision by taking a step back from the lifestyle. There isn't a rush, the lifestyle will still be here when and if you both get on the same page and decide to pursue it again.

 

It's great that you are going to stick around. Does your husband ever get on here and read any of the threads? Have you shown him this thread? If you have what are his thoughts on everything?

[fun4two 15]

i think maybe you guys need to take break. and talk about what each of you want out of the lifestyle. you two sound like you are not even ready. i hope the best for you

[jnbsmokin 29]

He refuses to read it, he actually hates forums of any kind... lol He knows how I feel and I talk about my threads and posts I make. But he leaves the room if I pull it up on the screen. I'm much more social than he is, but if it's face to face, he opens up. He hates talking on the phone too though. I can't really blame him, he is a telco engineer and has to stare at screens all day.

[funfrkycpl 77]

Since you talk to him about it, have you told him the responses you are getting? How does he feel about taking a step back?

[jnbsmokin 29]

He's ok with it to an extent, he knows how I felt about our past encounters and how I percieve my body, he claims I am severely body dismorphic. But I don't agree with his completely unprofessional diagnosis... He claims the only opinions that matter are his and mine... like I said, he hates forums, but I love getting real opinions from others, and I just don't mention them very much. Everyone likes to be validated, even if it's by strangers...

[realcplub2 513]

It's funny you say that, they say yes because he doesn't mention that I had said no from the get-go, and that I just don't want them. It's like he strings them hoping I will change my mind or that because I am a sub, that I will go ahead and bend my will. I did that with the 3 mfm, never again. I did not enjoy the mfm at all and couldn't even look the guys in the face. It's like history is repeating itself. It's this kind of bs that made me delete our memberships (yeah, we were paid then too) and say frack it.

 

Ok Darlin.. Reality check time...

 

As far as How you feel about you, I can't say anything meaningful, other than.. If you are comfortable with you, Frak everyone else.. Its sort of like this.. No matter where you go, what you do, You are still the only person that ultimately You have to answer to.

 

These are never easy words to hear... BUT, you already know whats comin.

 

If at any time the other partner in a couple applies pressure to you, to participate in ANYTHING.. it time to re -evaluate.. EVERYTHING

 

I read the posts, and trust me, If I had a dime for everytime I have heard a similar story.. Well lets just say LOTTO BE DAMNED..

 

Now lets cut straight to the heart of the matter, from everything I have read that You wrote, it would seem as though, you have given this all a try, and despite you not ENJOYING the encounters thus far, HE wants to continue.

 

This is time for you and him to sit down, and seriously talk, this is the exact situation that most newbies never listen to when ever I counsel anyone on making sure BOTH of you are of the same mind, before going ahead. Regardless of the situation that presents itself, 3some, 4some, or However many.. if either arent sure, the best thing to do is wait.. and if the other people were PROMISED otherwise, too bad.

 

There are times, and even the most seasoned swinger on here can tell you, where for one reason or another a STOP sign went up, and that was it. No means No..

 

Brandy, NEVER, EVER, take one for the TEAM... In the end its YOUR body, YOUR mental state, and HIS PROBLEM, if you arent into it.. NOT YOURS..

 

As far as pressure, You indicated that you are a bit submissive.. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were reversed, and you set up an encounter with someone that :

 

Included activities that he isnt into

Did nothing for him.. ( Wah Wah, sorry no wood tonight )

 

Be honest with yourself first, then tell him.. Again, its time to sit down, in a NON SEXUAL situation, and talk honestly.. explain it honestly, where you are, whats making you uncomfortable, and that what He is doing, making plans ECT, is the complete opposite to what you want.