Signals that you're not Ok

[ownerspet 506]

Recently something happenned that was somewhat minor, that motivated this post. I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around. The male half of this couple was very forward, and it seemed like at the time his body language and mannerisms were just from someone that was screwing with my head. It wasn't the fact that he was kissing my wife or feeling her up. I don't know what it was that made me pick up on the fact that he was screwing with my head, and at the time I didn't really know how to point this out without looking like an ass. So I ignored it, and after-all it was just kissing and feeling her up. At this point, I knew it wasn't going beyond that, so don't worry about it was my attitude.

 

Then, something happenned to alleviate the pressure that probably wouldn't happen in any similar situations. He looked at me right in front of my wife, and told me that he was just kissing my wife and feeling her up to f--- with me.

 

So my instinct was definitly right. While it wasn't going to a more involved play situation, I'm sure this is just one of many uncomfortable situations that you or other lifestyle couples end up in. So my question for couples is:

 

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group? Do you use hand signals? (I know that sounds cheesy)" In a couple on couple situation, where it's not a large group it may really not matter, but I don't think anyone wants to look like they're at the center of drama by causing a scene (especially if you may be interested in others in the group). So I do realize getting out of uncomfortable situations can be a balancing act.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Wow, we haven't been in a situation like that, but it surely makes me wonder what in the hell he was doing that for! If something like that happened I believe my lovely wife would turn to him at that point and tell him to go screw with someone else's mind and drop him like a hot rock. Nothing subtle, because that behaviour is just mean and wrong in my book!

 

S

[Bama0468 93]

the word "Stop" or "no more" then you can follow it up with the ones you are with or just ask the SO to talk a moment.

 

After all the Golden Rules are the Golden Rules for a reason, and should not make anyone look foolish or like and ass, My opinion is if the ivokation of the golden rules makes you look like and ass to the couple your with (or single) then do you really want to keep playing (or trying to) with them any way?

[CB_n_Red 16]

I think if it had been me there I would have decked him! What a prat!

 

CB

[warkman 31]

I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around.

Everyone at this party were swingers and you hadn't met this couple (that your wife had known for years) until this party. Is that correct? Even if this couple had played with your wife before you were married, it seems quite rude to me that the husband wouldn't have gotten to know you and establish permission to touch before getting physical with your wife, even if it was "just kissing and feeling her up." And then to add the comment seems assholically (if I may coin a word) hurtful and exclusionary.

[socolais 696]

We haven't encountered such disrespectful behavior at any of the parties we've been to. When either of us are uncomfortable in any setting, the need to be covert about it is just not there. My wife became uncomfortable at one of the parties and said to me, "We need to leave". The look on her face convinced me she was serious. Our solution was to thank the hosts and drive away. I don't see a need for revenge, Karma will probably settle that score much better than I could.

 

Our version of a two-person party is never second best.

[sweet_tna 680]

What a jerkasaurus! While I applaud your restraint, this guy certainly did NOT deserve it. If I may ask, what were you doing at the time this guy was pawing the Mrs.? 'Cause unless I was busy pleasing my partner, I'd walk over and either do a shoulder rub and whisper in Mr. Sweets ear, OR simply ask if I could cut in. That would've alerted my honey that something was up. Heck, even if I was busy, I'd probably excuse myself anyway. Tough to enjoy playtime if your hackles are up . . .

 

Of course, it goes without saying once either of us learned the other was uncomfortable, we'd drop that guy/girl so fast they wouldn't feel the fall.

 

 

If ya' don't mind me asking, what did your wife say/do?

 

=)

[Couple-N-NM 48]

My wife is a polite smoker, so that makes it easy for us. If she wants to talk to me about something or we want to discuss whether or not something is going to happen at a party, with a couple or whatever she suddenly needs to smoke and we go outside or some distance away from the crowd. This allows us to discuss whats happening and get feedback from each other without offending anyone else.

[NumbskullsX2 24]

Recently something happenned that was somewhat minor, that motivated this post. I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around. The male half of this couple was very forward, and it seemed like at the time his body language and mannerisms were just from someone that was screwing with my head. It wasn't the fact that he was kissing my wife or feeling her up. I don't know what it was that made me pick up on the fact that he was screwing with my head, and at the time I didn't really know how to point this out without looking like an ass.

He wasn't "screwing with your head", he was testing you. You're new to the group, and this is his way of asserting dominance within that group, letting you know that no matter who feeds your wife and cares for her, HE'S the alpha-dog, and has (and will continue to) copulate with her at will.

 

Let me guess.......this person is probably a little bigger than you, maybe a little more physically imposing, and has stronger ties within the group, correct? Doing this in front of everybody reasserts his position as alpha-dog to them, as well.

 

So I ignored it, and after-all it was just kissing and feeling her up. At this point, I knew it wasn't going beyond that, so don't worry about it was my attitude.

That was the wrong thing to do. You should have challenged him. I don't mean to a fight (although that's how these things often end up in vanilla bars) but looked him dead square in the eye and said, in as cold and expressionless of a tone as you could muster, "That's enough" Say nothing more, you're not entering a negotiation or a dialogue. There's no need to curse, raise your voice, or make threats. With assholes like this you simply have to draw the line one time, but you MUST do it convincingly. Do so once, and you probably won't have to do it again, ever.

 

As it now stands, you will probably have to do it at some point in the future, most likely when he's feeling his status slipping within the group.QUOTE=ownerspet;324425]Then, something happenned to alleviate the pressure that probably wouldn't happen in any similar situations. He looked at me right in front of my wife, and told me that he was just kissing my wife and feeling her up to f--- with me. This is where a nice right cross or roundhouse kick can be effective. As he's instinctively reaching up to his bloody face to see if his teeth are still where they were when he left the house, you say...

 

"Sooooo, 'just fucking with me,' eh? Well, back at ya, pal!" and offer your hand in friendship.

 

Well, not really, but it would be nice.

 

The big question I have is, "Where in the HELL was your wife while all this was going on?" Couldn't she see (or sense) your obvious discomfort with all this? What's her problem? SHE should have been the one putting a stop to his actions. Why did she let this proceed?

So my instinct was definitly right. While it wasn't going to a more involved play situation, I'm sure this is just one of many uncomfortable situations that you or other lifestyle couples end up in. So my question for couples is:

Well, yes and no. We don't have many "uncomfortable situations" in the lifestyle. If we did, we'd find another lifestyle. This is supposed to be fun.

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group?

If somebody is deliberately making me uncomfortable ("fucking with me head" as you put it) worry about "making a scene" is the last thing I'm concerned with. Do whatever you have to do to put a stop to it.

Do you use hand signals?

You shouldn't have to use hand signals. Your partner should be able to tell by the look on your face that you're not cool with the situation. If she needs a "hand signal" I suggest an upraised thumb, motioning towards the door. You're not ready for this, and you need to get her ass out of there.

I don't think anyone wants to look like they're at the center of drama by causing a scene (especially if you may be interested in others in the group).

When people step out of line by taking liberties with your woman (like this guy did) they've already created "drama." The only question is "How will YOU respond to it?"

[VegasLee 1,486]

I am the type of person that does not let others control my emotions or fun. If they are getting what I consider to be out of line or appear to be "fucking with me" I advise them they don't have that power, they are no one to me. I also advise them they can move on and find other things to do. I don't have to make a scene or cause any drama. Just be straight forward with them in a nice calm voice. That normally ends it.

 

I go to events and parties to have fun. I am not going to let some fool spoil that for me or Laura by us getting up and leaving. No one will have the power to effect my emotions or feelings.

[Pensacolapair 394]

Unfortunatly, there are people who get their pleasure from making others uncomfortable..and love to push other's buttons.

 

Like any other poor behavior, it continues because it's allowed to continue. Many people in the Lifestyle prefer to be non-confrontational; a fact that button-pushers are aware of and use to their advantage.

 

We are 'old school' Golden Rule people...we don't disrespect other people and therefore refuse to tolerate disrespect from others toward ourselves.

 

In our case, G (our female half) wouldn't have had to 'discuss' it with me..she would have handed him his head verbally, knowing that if he wanted to continue to be an ass after that, M would be readily available to do the same physically.

 

The only way button-pushers learn is when they push that button that blows up in their face.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

"testing the newbie" is pretty much what I would call it.

 

For the record we were in a large group party setting and said person is half of a couple that I have known and played with in the past. This was the first time I had seen them in years and the first time Pet had met them (earlier in the day).

 

The guy had kissed on me a few times during the course of the day and it was no big deal for anyone. At the time the situation occured that invoked this post, I had no idea that he was doing it to "fuck with" anyone. Maybe I'm stupid or blind, I don't know. I was looking at Pet during this to see how he was reacting and the look I got back was that of "it's no big deal". A few minutes later after he had stopped he looked at Pet and said "you know I was just doing that to fuck with you right?".

 

Honestly, THAT pissed me off, not only that he was doing that to Pet because it left me as a pawn feeling used in the situation. These are people who have been in the lifestyle for years, so what is their reason or need to do this?

 

Had I realized the reason behind the actions I would have stopped the actions before they started, or had I known that Pet was in any way uncomfortable I would have stopped things and it would have been no problem for me to do so. So how have we chosen to respond to them now? Like nothing happened with with no allowance for any further physical contact. Any chance they had of doing anything with me again is now gone.

[ncmd_couple 597]

I think that most of us take people at face value. It is upsetting to us to find out that some are playing ego trips. You were honest and up front Julie. He lied about his intentions and motivations. Sad, very sad, for you and the OP.

 

S

[Additude 457]

It seems out of the ordinary that any person would say and do something like that with malicious intent unless there was a specific detrimental reason for doing it. However, this person, based on your story, already knew your wife and knew of you so he was an acquaintance at worst, maybe your wife’s friend? I don't know, but definately not a stranger.

 

I don't think what was said was intentionally meant in a harmful way.

 

Why would someone say something like that? Who knows, the booze, the passion, the moment. You were best to ignore it if it bothered you.

 

A response from you of, "I'll return the favor" would have leveled the field.

 

Let it go.

[Alura 2,774]

I'm just a hick Okie, Owner's Pet, and I don't pretend to know the motivations of someone I haven't met, but my guess is that Julie (testing the newbie) and Numbskulls (alpha male syndrome) are closest. I can think of several good reasons for kissing your wife, but fucking with you would not be one of them. Suggesting that the reason he was kissing your wife was to "fuck with you" was very insulting to your wife, in my opinion.

 

It's hard to fault any man for wanting to kiss your wife, especially if he's kissed her before and, therefore, has some idea of what it might be like. It's easy to fault an asshole for being an asshole, though.

 

Here's how I would respond:

 

Ask him to repeat what he said, as if you didn't hear or understand. Any repeated remark is weakened and will seem more foolish when you reply.

 

"Well, I'll tell you what, Cowboy... It doesn't seem to be working."

 

Ignore him. That's what will gore his psyche most.

 

Mr. Alura

[two4youinswva 3,068]

So my question for couples is:

 

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group?

 

We use "The Quick Frown of Consternation".

This is a quick furrowing of the brows, while still sporting a smile, that lasts one second at the very most. When one of us sees this, we know it's time to break away for a quick conference to find out "what's up".

- Sometimes the conference isn't necessary. You kind of figure out what the frown is for. But if there's doubt, a chat is best.

 

FWIW, we use this method in vanilla and swing settings. It is very versatile, as it can be used for anything from "this guys being an ass", to "we need to change the subject, it's upsetting Aunt Myrtle".

 

This is one of those things we never set out to make our code, it just developed over time like so many things couples do to increase non-verbal communication.

 

Here's how I would respond:

 

Ask him to repeat what he said, as if you didn't hear or understand. Any repeated remark is weakened and will seem more foolish when you reply.

 

"Well, I'll tell you what, Cowboy... It doesn't seem to be working."

 

Ignore him. That's what will gore his psyche most.

 

I like all three of these, especially if the first and second one are used together for a "One-Two Punch", and the third is used to finish him off.

[sweet_tna 680]

Here's how I would respond:

 

Ask him to repeat what he said, as if you didn't hear or understand. Any repeated remark is weakened and will seem more foolish when you reply.

 

"Well, I'll tell you what, Cowboy... It doesn't seem to be working."

 

Ignore him. That's what will gore his psyche most.

 

Mr. Alura

 

Brilliant!

 

=)

[celtic239 297]

Having grown up in the bar business in the "vanilla world", I would have interpreted this type of behavior as an invitation to go out to the parking lot so I could kick the shit out of the guy. I know that there is the occassional drunk who oversteps his boundaries and that it is usally the booze talking. The "alpha-male/test the newbie" guy appears to be predatorial and not the type of individual who would be tolerated in a relatively small social setting (swingers clubs/parties) for any length of time. So just how prevalent are these type of guys in the swinging community?

[ownerspet 506]

All of these are good suggestions. I do appreciate the input, I do have to admit, that Alura's suggestion, of asking the guy to repeat himself probably would have been most appropriate. These are definitly things I will keep in mind in the future, but this seems so bold and probably rare behavior that I don't think I will ever encounter this situation again.

 

Thanks for the input, I was looking for honesty and I feel like you guys and gals gave it to me.

[lovinher 505]

I would have pulled the asshole aside and had a not so friendly talk with him. But I know it would never had gone past the first "feel up". Lovinhim can handle her own and I may have had to protect the jerk.

 

For us the signal is a squeeze on the arm or leg. That tells me we need to go somewhere and talk. We don't need a visual signal. I can tell in a second what is going on her head-unless I did something wrong. That is possible because we have been together for 65 years-or is it 35?

Right-35

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Recently something happenned that was somewhat minor, that motivated this post. I met this couple the Mrs. has known for years, and we were in a large group setting / atmosphere with other lifestyle couples around. The male half of this couple was very forward, and it seemed like at the time his body language and mannerisms were just from someone that was screwing with my head. It wasn't the fact that he was kissing my wife or feeling her up. I don't know what it was that made me pick up on the fact that he was screwing with my head, and at the time I didn't really know how to point this out without looking like an ass.

 

I think the situation you are describing here is something I too, have felt before. The words said to me were slightly different, but the situation was very similar. This is one very big reason I have said in many posts, that we not only learn about our partners. We learn about about ourselves as well

 

So I ignored it, and after-all it was just kissing and feeling her up. At this point, I knew it wasn't going beyond that, so don't worry about it was my attitude.

Maybe I felt different in the way that you ignored it. I didn't ignore the situation.... I went into more of a chameleon mode. If that makes sense . Its just the only way to describe now, how I felt then. I just wanted to blend in. I was new and didn't quite understand how I felt, but I knew I felt something. Mostly, I just didn't want anyone to see that I was confused at the moment.

 

After all when it happened to me, they were more experienced as well. I didn't know to much about using what I had learned in the way of social swinging skills/rules.... that worked for me personally.

 

Then, something happened to alleviate the pressure that probably wouldn't happen in any similar situations. He looked at me right in front of my wife, and told me that he was just kissing my wife and feeling her up to f--- with me.

Now this is wrong as can be. Perhaps some sort of guy thing in the outside world, but not in my swinger world. Laugh in the swinger world and the whole world laughs with you. Get pissed off and show it. And its a very small world, alone. Or unless at best, your partner is by your side.

 

For me, I am alpha enough to man up for some good sex and please the women I'm with. Alfa to Alfa, there is going to be some lashing out. I just don't like the possibility of those results in a swinging situation. If a man just wants to joke around a bit with me, thats cool and I can roll with a good joke. But to deliberately fuck with me and do it in front of my wife in a degrading way..... Then put me in the limelight. Well, thats not cool or impressive to me or Mrs.fun either.

 

I cant imagine this person being experienced and doing this without failing somewhere in his past.... and not learning from it . Some people are just who they are I guess. Knowing myself better is knowing they aren't my type.

 

At this point, could I ask. " What were your feelings about his partner/ wife ? What vibe was she giving you ?

 

So my instinct was definitly right.

I totally agree, you were right about what you felt and what you heard. Sometimes people are who they are and can successfully play with others. Then knowing more about them as time goes on. They show enough of themselves in a way that we don't want to play with them again. In this case the guys opened his mouth and said the wrong thing to the wrong person. Sometimes we take things verbally from long term playmates that roll on, as nothing more than a joke. Let a new person say the same thing, and it takes on a whole new meaning. Its part of the social aspect I had to come to terms with personally. Like I say, I had to learn how to deal with people in a whole new way. Swinging with others is not at all like we live in the vanilla world.

 

While it wasn't going to a more involved play situation, I'm sure this is just one of many uncomfortable situations that you or other lifestyle couples end up in.

I think anyone with some experience could agree we end up in situations like yours and mine here. Sucks sometimes, but it does happen.

 

"What type of things do you do or say to let your significant other know there is something wrong in any uncomfortable situation in a group setting, without making a scene or an ass of yourself, and to not ruin the mood for everyone else in the group? Do you use hand signals? (I know that sounds cheesy)"

Hand signals work sometimes for us but not always. Actually, rarely do they work when the sex is in play. Then there needs to be EYE contact. Mrs.fun gets caught up in her interactions as do I and we would would miss each others signals. Unless there is eye contact, I don't want to look like a baseball player with two fingers up, rubbing my hand down my sleeve, meaning.. I'm uncomfortable here.

 

I don't want to be put in the spotlight by others. Mrs.fun always said lets just say "stop". Well that doesn't work for me personally in a group setting. It putts me in an uncomfortable place. I learned what works for me personally.

 

1. I try a hand signal. I don't want to give my secret signal here, but I do have one. We couldn't have more than one. Its too confusing especially when we are fucking. The hand signals are for social getting acquainted, only.

 

I have learned to get Mrs.funs attention. Its all about that EYE CONTACT

 

I just stand up and say "I'm not comfortable " If that is missed, I say STOP !There is no other way for us.

 

In a couple on couple situation, where it's not a large group it may really not matter, but I don't think anyone wants to look like they're at the center of drama by causing a scene (especially if you may be interested in others in the group). So I do realize getting out of uncomfortable situations can be a balancing act.

 

It is about balance in a sense, I see what you are saying. We do o.k with keeping our connection between ourselves now. Its what we learned through experience, being together.

[good times 991]

Yep, I would have to go along with Alura. My response would have been something like, "well, you sure aren't very good at it."

[socolais 696]

...The "alpha-male/test the newbie" guy appears to be predatorial and not the type of individual who would be tolerated in a relatively small social setting (swingers clubs/parties) for any length of time. So just how prevalent are these type of guys in the swinging community?

 

This is precisely why we'd rather take our party somewhere else. And when he finally exposes himself as a selfish control freak, we don't want to be in the fall-out zone. There will always be another party.

 

Of course there's alpha male behavior in almost every group setting and I think it would be very rare to see this level of expression at a party of known friends. For exactly the reason you mentioned, it won't be tolerated.

[elephantboy67 15]

I have been in a similar situation.

There was a mentor at the clyub we frequent lets call hime chris.

He was the guy everybody ooked up to and was instrumental in bringing sweetypie and I into the group.

Well He would always dance with her. or the new girls first. I kinda liked that sweety pie liked the attention and it broke the tension when we got there. We always felt welcome.

He kinda took more and more liberties with my pie than I liked.

Then on evening he told pie he wanted to f*** her with out me around.Enough was enough. He helped us set up our boundareis he negtaited them with his wife and with us as a couple.

I felt intimadated ane felt like I was looseing control.

I looked at pie and said what just happened. She snapped out of the moment and relized what just happened. Poor chris got kicked to the curb and hasnt found his way back to our good graces yet. I grew in my confidence around swinging.

This being said.

Be kind and patient with the newbe. They are the future of the group. I liked best when chris and his wife took us under their wings and coached us on how to be strong as a couple.

The coaching worked we are stronger than ever. And even weathered a swining ending storm.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Back to part of your original question of what kind of signals do you use?

 

If we have a problem with someone who is with us, we use a code word. For us it is "I need a drink of tea". Since neither one of us drinks tea, it will get our attention without arousing suspicion. As soon as this is mentioned any play or conversation is suppose to stop and we leave the immediate vicinity to find out what is wrong.

 

To the problem you had with this individual. Yuk. Hopefully, if we had that problem and one of us started feeling uneasy we would have left the situation and communicated with each other with what is going on. That is one way of dealing with it.

 

And VegasLee's advice is right on too.

 

It's all up to you and Julie as to how you want to deal with negative situations.

[daddynbabygrl 25]

Everyone at this party were swingers and you hadn't met this couple (that your wife had known for years) until this party. Is that correct? Even if this couple had played with your wife before you were married, it seems quite rude to me that the husband wouldn't have gotten to know you and establish permission to touch before getting physical with your wife, even if it was "just kissing and feeling her up." And then to add the comment seems assholically (if I may coin a word) hurtful and exclusionary.

 

I like the new coined word, and agree with you.....plus plain rude to not get permission first.....but.....with the thought that the Mrs didn't stop the other guy, then maybe that's how *they* play together......for me and "Baby Girl", we don't kiss the opposite sex, so for us, this wouldn't have been tolerated.....

 

Unfortunatly, there are people who get their pleasure from making others uncomfortable..and love to push other's buttons.

 

Like any other poor behavior, it continues because it's allowed to continue. Many people in the Lifestyle prefer to be non-confrontational; a fact that button-pushers are aware of and use to their advantage.

 

We are 'old school' Golden Rule people...we don't disrespect other people and therefore refuse to tolerate disrespect from others toward ourselves.

 

In our case, G (our female half) wouldn't have had to 'discuss' it with me..she would have handed him his head verbally, knowing that if he wanted to continue to be an ass after that, M would be readily available to do the same physically.

 

The only way button-pushers learn is when they push that button that blows up in their face.

 

Agreed wholeheartedly.....my partner agrees that I won't put up with "anyone's" crap......in my own right, even as a "newbie", I have no problem challenging the "Alpha Male" of *ANY* group, insomuch as they want to be rude to me or my partner......

 

I don't want to be put in the spotlight by others. Mrs.fun always said lets just say "stop". Well that doesn't work for me personally in a group setting. It putts me in an uncomfortable place. I learned what works for me personally.

 

1. I try a hand signal. I don't want to give my secret signal here, but I do have one. We couldn't have more than one. Its too confusing especially when we are fucking. The hand signals are for social getting acquainted, only.

 

I have learned to get Mrs.funs attention. Its all about that EYE CONTACT

 

I just stand up and say "I'm not comfortable " If that is missed, I say STOP !There is no other way for us.

 

I agree, it's gotta be about the eye contact.....my problem tho, if any activity is happening with "Baby Girl", her eyes may be going into the back of her head in pleasure......so I'd have to wait for her to be less.......uh.......stimulated. :lol:

[petra6998 15]

My husband knows when I give him "the look" that something is up. It's general a curl of the eyebrows thing. Course he also gets that look at other times than when we are with potential playmates.

 

As far as what this jerk of a guy did, if that's how he is with the "group" is it really a group that you want to be involved with? If that would have been hubby and I well if I wouldn't have decked the guy for making me feel like a pawn, then he would have. Good job at keeping your cool....I would have had a hard time at that.

[Gordo 618]

NumbskullsX2 said:

He wasn't "screwing with your head", he was testing you. You're new to the group, and this is his way of asserting dominance within that group, letting you know that no matter who feeds your wife and cares for her, HE'S the alpha-dog, and has (and will continue to) copulate with her at will.

 

Let me guess.......this person is probably a little bigger than you, maybe a little more physically imposing, and has stronger ties within the group, correct? Doing this in front of everybody reasserts his position as alpha-dog to them, as well.

 

That was the wrong thing to do. You should have challenged him. I don't mean to a fight (although that's how these things often end up in vanilla bars) but looked him dead square in the eye and said, in as cold and expressionless of a tone as you could muster, "That's enough" Say nothing more, you're not entering a negotiation or a dialogue. There's no need to curse, raise your voice, or make threats. With assholes like this you simply have to draw the line one time, but you MUST do it convincingly. Do so once, and you probably won't have to do it again, ever.

 

As it now stands, you will probably have to do it at some point in the future, most likely when he's feeling his status slipping within the group.

 

This advice is right on the money. I can tell you from years of karate experience that he is woofing on you. Call it an interview for the fight.

 

And you failed the interview

 

Other than what he says above I would disagree with the need to raise the voice. The first time should be firm. Again this is not a negotiation. If not successful raise your voice loud enough to be heard by the group immediately around you calling attention to his behaviour. If that is not successful let the whole party know by the loudness of your voice. Don't allow him to start asking questions you feel compelled to answer or start a discussion. Words like please don't or other weak responses have no place here. This isn't a place for witty comebacks as some suggested or I should have said this to him....... it's time to DRAW THE LINE! (voice usage is part of the course I've suggested below)

 

What you're doing is letting him know you aren't his usual victim.

 

Group embarrassment should be enough of a deterrent in this situation.

 

And you will be dealing with him in the future.

 

And for those of you that have no self defense skills may I suggest a cheap course that is the most effective in teaching someone to defend themselves in 3-4 hours that I've ever seen. It is an absolute must for women (it uses their own natural reactions very effectively) or kids. I could take down a 500 pound linebacker with it.

 

It's called the F.A.S.T or fast defense course. Around a $100 and probably a karate dojo in your town will teach it.

 

PS I have no connection with the course other than having taken it.

[shymxcpl 71]

Hey ownerspet... you still haven't answered what the Mrs. was doing while this was going on.

 

I am a believer that each person should at least try to take care of themselves so in this case maybe a safeword could have been used to let the Mrs. know that you were uncomfortable so SHE could stop the other dude. If she says no, it's not rude ...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

shymxcpl said:

Hey ownerspet... you still haven't answered what the Mrs. was doing while this was going on.

 

I am a believer that each person should at least try to take care of themselves so in this case maybe a safeword could have been used to let the Mrs. know that you were uncomfortable so SHE could stop the other dude. If she says no, it's not rude ...

 

Actually, I answered what the Mrs was doing in this post: https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/30775-signals-that-youre-not-ok/?do=findComment&comment=324365

[socolais 696]

I think it's easy to "monday morning quarterback" this event and say that Pet missed an opportunity to establish his rank in the alpha male hierarchy - and for some folks, that's VERY important. I also respect a man that carefully chooses his battles. This was the swinger's equivilent of a Kobiashi Marou - a no win scenario. I think Julie's response was appropriate.

[shymxcpl 71]

JustAskJulie said:

Actually, I answered what the Mrs was doing in this post: https://www.swingersboard.com/forums/topic/30775-signals-that-youre-not-ok/?do=findComment&comment=324365

 

 

Hadn't time to read through the whole post and I didn't know you guys were a thing...

 

gawd, I feel like a n00b

 

Then again, what happened to you guys sucks even worse...

what a complete ass!

 

You know, most of the time you let your insecurities out this way. Now you know where his Achilles Heel is. If you play it smart and careful, you could get him back...

 

I'm usually peaceful, but when pissed off I'm very Machiavellian.

[ktimephoenix 156]

I would lean towards the "out alpha" idea. you see it heaps in the Vanilla dating world, Swinging just adds a new dimension. heck i've even watched my dogs use Mrs P's. or my affection for the same reason, trying to prove dominance by garnishing affection.

 

personally i'd be uncomfortable around someone that Mrs P. had played with that i didn't know...i think it could get confusing as to where the line sits.

 

I agree that you need to call them on the behaviour tho. there have been a number of good suggestions on how to do that here. the best way to "practice" getting into that mindset is to never take crap from anyone. demanding your money back when a product fails, demanding to be acknowleged for the good idea you had at work etc all gets you into the mindset that your life goes your way, so the other guy better back off.

 

confidence is key. you need to make the other guy wonder what it is that you know that he doesn't. if you don't appear concerned that things could escalate into a fight, either verbal, physical, or for your wifes attention, he's less likely to escalate... because he doesn't want to find out the surprise is that you are a black belt who can kill a man with chopsticks.

[Gordo 618]

I think it's easy to "monday morning quarterback" this event and say that Pet missed an opportunity to establish his rank in the alpha male hierarchy - and for some folks, that's VERY important. I also respect a man that carefully chooses his battles. This was the swinger's equivilent of a Kobiashi Marou - a no win scenario. I think Julie's response was appropriate.

 

It's not about establishing your place in the pecking order. He's trying to do that for you. It's about you acting in such an unusual manner as to establish that you're not a victim and not going to be slotted anywhere by him.

 

I don't advocate violence by any means but I think he'll find that this guy will try to push him again.

 

 

What does he do. Leave his wife to tell the guy off????

[funcpl4life 51]

I think it's easy to "monday morning quarterback" this event and say that Pet missed an opportunity to establish his rank in the alpha male hierarchy - and for some folks, that's VERY important. I also respect a man that carefully chooses his battles. This was the swinger's equivilent of a Kobiashi Marou - a no win scenario. I think Julie's response was appropriate.

 

Forty Quatloos as a prize for the Star Trek TOS reference.

 

I'll see and raise with a War Games reference: The only way to win is not to play.

 

Mr FC4L, geek

[DarkenFreaky 15]

We have rarely been in a situation to use this but when we started dating we discussed all possibilities we might find ourselves in. We use a safe word. Something that is not extra strange but not used in everyday conversation to know that something is wrong and that the other should step in and excuse us both to discuss what is going on.

[tittietwister 126]

Agree with the comments on testing. Since you didn't say otherwise I assume your wife was enjoying the attention despite his obvious disrespect to you. That I would have a major problem with - as in all stop until that is thoroughly discussed.

 

To answer the question on how do we communicate this when the other is too dense to see - a codeword. For me she calls me by my full given name. Regardless of the context of the statement it is used in that's the signal for aborting an meeting.

[10thBadger 25]

On 5/17/2008 at 10:43 AM, celtic239 said:

Having grown up in the bar business in the "vanilla world", I would have interpreted this type of behavior as an invitation to go out to the parking lot so I could kick the shit out of the guy. I know that there is the occassional drunk who oversteps his boundaries and that it is usally the booze talking. The "alpha-male/test the newbie" guy appears to be predatorial and not the type of individual who would be tolerated in a relatively small social setting (swingers clubs/parties) for any length of time. So just how prevalent are these type of guys in the swinging community?

I am totally with you brother. He would’ve thought that bar or swing club just turned into a southern Baptist church because I would’ve been laying hands on him..

[lcmim 1,082]

The guy probably was being a jerk.

 

We had a similar experience early on which was not as involved. It was a test.

I was the new guy in the room and no one had any idea as to what reactions I might have.

A guy I hardly new kissed my wife and she kissed back, her natural response.

A look at my instantaneous  expression during and immediately after, cleared that elephant from the room.