Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I got to thinking about how we all did things early on that we look back and now and wonder "what were we thinking", "why did we do that" and it came down simply to we didn't know any better.

 

For me/us it was jumping in too fast and driving 45 minutes to meet the first couple we found within 2 hours of us that was interested in meeting and then (despite the lack of connection) attempting to play with them. (We are good friends now and laugh about it, but that didn't happen till 2 years later).

 

So what was your major faux paux? What do you look back at in your swinging life (even if it was only a month ago) that you cringe at?

[robnbarb 40]

I am still to new to know what most of our mistakes are, but I wanted to add We have changed our profile 7 times now.

[sensuality 2]

As time goes on, we've had to ammend our profile quite a few times, usually after someone writes us and we realize there's something we need to add or be more specific about. We still have yet to meet that elusive couple we actually want/get to "play" with, but hey...all in good time.

[EvilMJ 65]

I think (even though we are Newbies) that our biggest mistake was going to far to quick. We should have started with more of a soft swing approach instead of jumping right in to full swing. We also went into separate rooms which was a real mistake. Live and learn I guess

[good times 991]

For us it was similar to your experiance Julie. We met a couple at the club that was obviously interested in us and while Mrs. GT found the male attractive I was pretty unattracted to the female. But like it might be the last offer we would ever get we went ahead and played with them. I couldn't get it up to save my life and it turned out to be a pretty embarrassing experiance for me. The next day we made a no more taking one for the team rule and our rules have continued to evolve as we have continued to learn.

[CB_n_Red 16]

I think (even though we are Newbies) that our biggest mistake was going to far to quick. We should have started with more of a soft swing approach instead of jumping right in to full swing. We also went into separate rooms which was a real mistake. Live and learn I guess

 

That was pretty well our biggest mistake early on - in fact it happened the first time we played with another couple as opposed to a single male. We went along with the intention of it being a purely social meet. Inevitably, after a few drinks (and then a few more) it seemed like a great idea to go for it there and then. Not that we were planning soft swing though. Anyway, it ended up in separate rooms - not a good idea as it turned out. We put it down to inexperience and didn't worry about it.

 

CB

[adventureUS2 25]

I think our problem was we found a couple that make great friends socialy but not sexualy. This is a hard line to draw when you meet under the pretence of swinging. You really like the other couple (just not sexualy) and dont want to loose a friendship or hurt any ones fellings. So you go along with a relationship thats just not working at all. Its hard to say can we just be friends to another swinging couple.

[fun_pairTX 26]

Its hard to say can we just be friends to another swinging couple.

 

 

It has worked out that way for us on a couple of occasions and the people have remained great friends for the past couple of years. It can happen if you open your mind to it.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Back in February 2004 we made our first step towards going public with our interest in swinging when we attended a local off-premise club.

 

Our first mistake: We told every person we met our REAL first names--we even gave some people our last name since the hostess had already bellowed it out when we walked in. We will never use our real names again and will go by first name only until we decide we'd like to meet the people outside the club.

 

We moved around for an hour and a half, got disenchanted with what we were seeing and sat down to eat since we paid $40 to get in--why not get our bellies filled? facelick

 

Our second mistake: We should have never stayed at the table after we were through eating. Should we make it to another club, even if the pickings look sparse, we will always keep moving to meet people.

 

LM

[BradAndJanet 70]

#1: Being overeager to have our first experience. We took on the first decent guy who contacted us. Then, we got a room before we'd really decided we liked him. The sex was terrible for J. It took about a year for us to try again.

 

#2: Not trying clubs long ago. Ads really became frustrating. We couldn't meet anyone, or so it seemed and it was such a slow process. When the few real prospects didn't pan out, we were disappointed because of how much work it had been to get to that point. It's much simpler to just smile and say, "Hi, we're Brad and Janet!" to someone at the club. It works for us anyway.

 

-B

[Spoomonkey 421]

Our mistake was probably the same as EvilMJ's. We thought we were going very slow - but when we actually went through with things, we obviously weren't ready. There is a big difference between going ahead slowly and going ahead wisely. The funny thing is - we didn't even swap... I am not sure how we could have gone slower, but maybe going through it was what we needed. We talked on a completely different level after that - and maybe that was meant to be.

 

Anyway - we are all happy now - and if anyone wants to put us to the test, I'll gladly forward our street address

 

Spoomonkey

[Botcpl 15]

Our first mistake: We told every person we met our REAL first names--

LM

 

 

I have to say that hit me like a brick. My first thought was: what else will you lie to me about? I always hear about communication and trust, but now I'm not so sure. I can understand not giving out too much, like last names and where we work or even the type of job sometimes (if I told you what I did, well there are only a half dozen or so of us even though my "company" has over five thousand employees....), but is this much caution really needed?

 

I can understand if you are from a small town, but since most of us live in metropolitan areas, is it really needed? Maybe this isn't the right place for this comment, but I don't know where else it should be. Usually I agree with what Likeminds321 says so you can see why I'm walking around with a big question mark on my forehead.

 

One reason I am (and we are) looking into swinging is so we don't have to lie. I don't want to lie to my wife and I (we) don't want to lie to the people I'm (we're) with.

 

Signed,

 

Confused and Dejected

[EvilMJ 65]

I can understand if you are from a small town, but since most of us live in metropolitan areas, is it really needed? Maybe this isn't the right place for this comment, but I don't know where else it should be. Usually I agree with what Likeminds321 says so you can see why I'm walking around with a big question mark on my forehead.

 

I guess everyone has reasons for wanting to keep their secrecy. I live in a city, and while it is no where near the size of New York or other large American cities, you would be surprise how many people you run into on a daily basis. My husand grew up here and I think he knows everyone ( I tease him that he is like the mayor waving to his people ). I have a child that I want to protect, and my employers are very religious people and have no doubt they would not approve or understand of this lifestyle. THey may not fire me from my job, but it would probably influence how they treated me. In my mind there are just too many chances for disaster for me to give out too much personal information. To each his own I guess.

 

Mr. Spoo....I am sitting at my desk counting my meger pennies trying to figure out how I can scrounge together enough cash to catch a flight down to your country.....hmm...guess I am going to have to lay off lunches for a while

[misterbates 3]

We will never use our real names again and will go by first name only until we decide we'd like to meet the people outside the club.

 

 

You Lie about your names?!?!?...and i suppose you expect people to have sex with you and be honest about themselves??...hmm.."yea i dont have to tell em about my herpes..after all they lie about their name"....that is a great way to think.....another example of why we are so disgusted with swingers and swinging.......

[biblonde 22]

our first mistake was meeting and playing with a couple that niether of us were really attracted to sexually. We really liked them as people but not as playmates. Our worst mistake was a couple months ago..and nope not a newbie then..lol I have been played by so many men pretending to be single females that when I got an email from a female I went to yahoo to chatt and IT sounded so much like a man I told them...Look prove to me you are female, I am home right now here is my phone number CALL ME! Within a couple days I was getting calls (and my boys were getting calls!) from perverts saying I had promised to do this that or whatever to them in a chatt room. Now these people didnt care when my kids answered the phone and told them I promised to do certain things! I had to change my phone number!! I will never give out my house number again unless I know you and have played more than one time.

 

We never lie about our names but usually dont give out last names till we know you better. If I find out someone has lied about what their name is ...they get a bubye!!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I have to say that hit me like a brick. My first thought was: what else will you lie to me about? I always hear about communication and trust, but now I'm not so sure. I can understand not giving out too much, like last names and where we work or even the type of job sometimes (if I told you what I did, well there are only a half dozen or so of us even though my "company" has over five thousand employees....), but is this much caution really needed?

 

I can understand if you are from a small town, but since most of us live in metropolitan areas, is it really needed? Maybe this isn't the right place for this comment, but I don't know where else it should be. Usually I agree with what Likeminds321 says so you can see why I'm walking around with a big question mark on my forehead.

 

One reason I am (and we are) looking into swinging is so we don't have to lie. I don't want to lie to my wife and I (we) don't want to lie to the people I'm (we're) with.

 

Signed,

 

Confused and Dejected

 

You Lie about your names?!?!?...and i suppose you expect people to have sex with you and be honest about themselves??...hmm.."yea i dont have to tell em about my herpes..after all they lie about their name"....that is a great way to think.....another example of why we are so disgusted with swingers and swinging.......

 

I'm not surprised that I confused and upset some people. Even after I posted I wondered if I would truly be able to use another name at a club. But I decided to leave my post as it was.

 

Let me give some background, and by the time I'm finished I may change my own mind . . . or at least explain my reasoning in a way that may garner a little more understanding from others.

 

My husband has been a prominent business man in our town for over twenty-five years. In the first ten years of his business he was in the newspaper and on television often. People he didn't know would approach him in public to shake his hand and tell him they saw him on TV or read about his work. He even had a weekly radio show for many years.

 

He doesn't appear in the paper or on TV any longer, but I am worried that when people see him they may think this guy looks so familiar, and all it will take is for Mr LM to say his first name and *click* the people will know who we are.

 

We have attended only one club. It was an off-premise club that meets once a month at various hotels. Those who attend often reserve a room for the night, so in a way, it becomes an on-premise club but with more privacy. It was apparent to us that people were having sex that night with people they met at the club. They'd disappear for awhile, then come back all showered with wet hair. Ten minutes later they'd be heading up to their suite again. The dance floor was hopin' with people feeling each other up and kissing. This is what the scene is like for clubs that meet only once a month. People meet and have sex. They may never have sex with that person again. They may never see that person again. I have read that some people never even exchange names.

 

We introduced ourselves to maybe thirty people that night. That's thirty people we determined--after chatting 5-10 minutes--we weren't interested in swinging with. Would it really have been so terrible if we used another first name? I don't think so. If we met a couple who we would want to continue to see, outside the club, we would let them know then and there that we use a "club name" when we're clubbing.

 

Most people on the Swingers Board don't use their real name. They create a User Name and sign with that name. Why? Privacy.

 

On our swinger ad sites we always use our real first names. We have control over who can see our faces with an ad. There is more privacy with ads.

 

It was probably a mistake to go to a local club. If we every go to a club again it will be far away from our home town. In another state we wouldn't feel uncomfortable giving people our first names.

 

LM

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

We have made several mistakes. The first was like Julie. Rushing to meet the first couple that wanted to meet even though we did not have all that much, if anything, in common.

 

The others... we are still learning from but we know we will NEVER make them again.

And I am sure there are more mistakes in our future as this is a continual learning expereience.

[DBL D 120]

Hey Mr.!!! (Naughty)

 

Isn't that what the clubs are all about? Just find someone HOT.

 

I haven't really followed your threads so I don't know what you guys are looking for but I know that while we love to have folks that are "regulars" we also will go for the HOT "One Night Stand" whether we think it's one at the time or not.

 

Newbie "Misteaks":

 

I think our "misteak" has been where, at times, where we were too eager; we wanted to do something with someone!

 

Just try to decide what you are looking for. In the beginning of your adventure, it is understandable to try to find out what you're looking for however you can. As long as you know: You are going to hurt someones feelings along the way unless you are clear about what you want.

 

We had met a couple when starting out that said if we wanted to see them again, they'd be at the club. No last names or anything. We were shocked at first but it kept them from having those awkward moments.

 

Now we know other people are interested in us and it seems to take some of the "pressure" off of us just get something under our belt.

 

Is that where the phrase "BELT ONE OUT" comes from?

 

My thoughts anyway.

 

Male D

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

Hey Mr.!!! (Naughty)

 

Isn't that what the clubs are all about? Just find someone HOT.

 

I haven't really followed your threads so I don't know what you guys are looking for but I know that while we love to have folks that are "regulars" we also will go for the HOT "One Night Stand" whether we think it's one at the time or not.

 

The clubs have been GREAT fun . I geuss what I was referring to was meeting couples online. Its much harder to judge people through chat than it is in person.

[Botcpl 15]

Dear LikeMinds,

 

After hearing more details about your situation, it makes sense for you to use another name, but most of us have never been on TV or the newspapers and I don't think it applies to most of us. "A rose by another name..." aren't you worried that someone would see you and figure what your game is? Do you wear disguises when you go to your club? "Oh that's Tom Cruise, but he says his name is Billy". Catch my drift?

 

Misterbates, I don't think less of swingers and swinging because of a few people, any more than I would be disgusted with the human race because of a few bad people. Any time you get a group of people together (in general), 20% are going to be trouble. Personally I find it liberating to be around people who are so open and free that we can talk about anything, including sex. Really, why would you hang around people you don't like or agree with and why would you lurk on their board?

 

I look at this board as an educational and entertainment medium. If I wanted to be converted to another way of thinking, I am sure I would be looking for a group of people I agree with more.

 

I had a conflict with what LikeMinds said an I spoke up; they in turn, explained their situation more and I understand THEIR position more and I realize it doesn't fit me or Mz. Botcpl. Now, if I was running for mayor of Los Angeles or was an ex-mayor (so to speak) I would probibly be even more careful...until I retired and moved to Mexico...then party time.

 

Paul AKA Mr. Botcpl

 

(sorry, no last names, I have to draw the line someplace)

[DBL D 120]

I meant..."Hey...Mr?"

 

Yeah!

 

WE'RE GUILTY (and so were they!) of "going for it" like that too soon. head bang

 

Da Male

[DBL D 120]

And YOU!!! LikeMinds:

 

I agree: Don't sit at the table. There are too many that will. Get up and ask people to dance with you!!!

 

I had one poor girl ask me why I picked her; It's not that I didn't find her attractive. What do you say? I just wanted to dance!!! You can find out alot about someone when you dance with them...and dancing is right nextdoor to....well, you know!

 

Male D

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

. . . aren't you worried that someone would see you and figure what your game is? Do you wear disguises when you go to your club? "Oh that's Tom Cruise, but he says his name is Billy". Catch my drift?

Paul,

 

Thanks for writing back.

 

I think Mr LM and I could get by with disguises during theme night at a club. Some people wear fantastic costumes . . . and masks.

 

We've only been to a club that one time. We are not club goers.

 

I'd like to venture to a club in the future when we travel to another state. I think it could be fun to go with friends.

 

LM

 

P.S. And sorry Paul, I'm not revealing my first name.

[Botcpl 15]

If you come out to visit in So. Cal., we'll go to a club with you.

 

Paul

[DBL D 120]

Dear LikeMinds321,

 

I feel for you Dear! I would be mortified (have I ever used THAT word before?) if we were found out...but someone who knows you would know you by face before anything. I think you can trust the people you are with more than that!

 

If you feel that strongly then you guys should stay away from the local clubs. But you WILL have a blast at an Out-Of-State function!!!

 

Male D

[misterbates 3]

QUI'm not surprised that I confused and upset some people. Even after I posted I wondered if I would truly be able to use another name at a club. But I decided to leave my post as it was.

 

Let me give some background, and by the time I'm finished I may change my own mind . . . or at least explain my reasoning in a way that may garner a little more understanding from others.

 

My husband has been a prominent business man in our town for over twenty-five years. In the first ten years of his business he was in the newspaper and on television often. People he didn't know would approach him in public to shake his hand and tell him they saw him on TV or read about his work. He even had a weekly radio show for many years.

 

LM..Not to offend... but if you are that high profile..why swing??You have to know that the chance of being "outed" is high if you are well known?

 

 

He doesn't appear in the paper or on TV any longer, but I am worried that when people see him they may think this guy looks so familiar, and all it will take is for Mr LM to say his first name and *click* the people will know who we are.

 

We have attended only one club. It was an off-premise club that meets once a month at various hotels. Those who attend often reserve a room for the night, so in a way, it becomes an on-premise club but with more privacy. It was apparent to us that people were having sex that night with people they met at the club. They'd disappear for awhile, then come back all showered with wet hair. Ten minutes later they'd be heading up to their suite again. The dance floor was hopin' with people feeling each other up and kissing. This is what the scene is like for clubs that meet only once a month. People meet and have sex. They may never have sex with that person again. They may never see that person again. I have read that some people never even exchange names.

 

Yes that is something that happens alot at clubs...one reason why we generally dont hook up with people at clubs..sorry but i still want to know a little about you before we get naked....

 

We introduced ourselves to maybe thirty people that night. That's thirty people we determined--after chatting 5-10 minutes--we weren't interested in swinging with. Would it really have been so terrible if we used another first name? I don't think so. If we met a couple who we would want to continue to see, outside the club, we would let them know then and there that we use a "club name" when we're clubbing.[/Quote]

 

That would be the point we would say.."See ya"!....Sorry but Lies are the biggest deal breakers with us.....

 

Most people on the Swingers Board don't use their real name. They create a User Name and sign with that name. Why? Privacy.

 

Yes..and the fact that there are too many weirdos out there and this is not a private board..so any one can read the posts...it would be foolish to use your real name here....

 

On our swinger ad sites we always use our real first names. We have control over who can see our faces with an ad. There is more privacy with ads.

 

We do too but still block our faces...again..too many pscycos out there....we were once approached at a supermarket.by a dude that we said no thank to on a site..because he recognized us from our pics...

 

It was probably a mistake to go to a local club. If we every go to a club again it will be far away from our home town. In another state we wouldn't feel uncomfortable giving people our first names.

 

LM

 

Yea...probably..but we have met many local couples at far away clubs and many far away couples at local clubs..so go figure....

 

Mr B facelick

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

LM..Not to offend... but if you are that high profile..why swing??You have to know that the chance of being "outed" is high if you are well known?

This is a very good question, and one we discussed in detail when we comtemplated becoming involved in the lifestyle.

 

We agreed that we couldn't get into swinging unless we believed in it and felt no guilt about it; this is the case. We know that if someone tells us they know we are swingers, we won't hide that fact.

 

Great moments in life often arrive through taking risks. Being swingers is a risk. Even before we swung the discussions Mr LM and I have had, because of our decision to swing, has made us closer. There is more to swinging than sex. This is why we swing. Because my husband is more high profile than most isn't going to stop us from swinging. This isn't an impulsive decision for us. We have given it great thought and know we want to add this new dimension to our relationship.

 

We are using caution now that we didn't use at the start.

 

Afterall, this thread is titled Newbie Mistakes, and I am trying to share what I felt was our biggest first mistake and how I might have done things differently then--and maybe now--by using a "club name." I don't believe we will ever go to a local club again misterbates, but when we did then, I wish we would have used a "club name."

 

Should we visit a club when we travel out of state no one will know us and I'm sure we will feel very comfortable using our real first names.

 

LM

[good times 991]

This is kind of interesting as we have a fairly high profile couple that attends our local club, and although they use ficticious names at the club, most everyone knows their real names simply because he is pretty well known.

[EternallySingle 32]

When I first tried swing as a single man after my girlfriend moved out of state, I thought the same things I did to meet people at the club as part of a couple would work. Big mistake.

 

I went to a club two weeks after my girlfriend moved and three women who were all over me three weeks before actually laughed in my face when I tried to ask about their trip to Brazil. They said I was trying too hard and I was just trying to make conversation. Then I turned down a couple that were just too drunk for me to feel comfortable around them. They got me kicked out by making a scene. hmm...single man, couple, swing club, arguing...single man loses.

 

After a year of similar experiences at two more clubs (and over a thousand dollars wasted) I gave up the idea of swinging until lightning strikes again and I happen to meet a single woman already involved in the lifestyle and willing to let me into her world as well. Being myself didn't work, since they knew me as "BW's ex-boyfriend", not as Aaron.

 

I've given up on the idea of actually swinging since there are few, if any, people online interested in meeting a single man in my area and no clubs where I can go and introduce myself.

 

Doesn't mean I won't share what I've learned over the years.

[adventureUS2 25]

Our worst mistake was a couple months ago..and nope not a newbie then..lol I have been played by so many men pretending to be single females that when I got an email from a female I went to yahoo to chatt and IT sounded so much like a man I told them...Look prove to me

 

 

Ask them there pantyhose size most men have no clue how those things are sized not even married guys. It has fended of several men possing as women during our internet play time.

[Newbies46514 15]

That was pretty well our biggest mistake early on - in fact it happened the first time we played with another couple as opposed to a single male. We went along with the intention of it being a purely social meet. Inevitably, after a few drinks (and then a few more) it seemed like a great idea to go for it there and then. Not that we were planning soft swing though. Anyway, it ended up in separate rooms - not a good idea as it turned out. We put it down to inexperience and didn't worry about it.

 

CB

 

As someone who does not want to make a similar mistake...

 

We've not had our first experience yet and as I stated in another thread, we are going to our first club this coming Saturday. Now we've said that we're just going to go and meet people, check things out, etc. But we've also said that we won't 'do' anything unless we really, really want to...but we are both so turned on by just the concept of all of this. I know being turned on and fantasy is completely different that actually doing these things though.

 

So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

 

Thanks!

[CB_n_Red 16]

As someone who does not want to make a similar mistake...

 

Well...it wasn't a really bad one! Certainly livable with and it didn't put either of us off.

 

We've not had our first experience yet and as I stated in another thread, we are going to our first club this coming Saturday. Now we've said that we're just going to go and meet people, check things out, etc. But we've also said that we won't 'do' anything unless we really, really want to...but we are both so turned on by just the concept of all of this. I know being turned on and fantasy is completely different that actually doing these things though.

 

That sounds like a pretty healthy approach. The good bit about clubs is that lack of pressure to do anything. We've only attended one once and we did nothing with anyone else (except sharing the sauna). We still had a great time though. We know a couple who went to a club 5 times before playing with others. Not a problem!

 

You're right though - be sure about what you want out of the experience. It's guaranteed you'll both be turned on by it anyway.

 

As it says in large friendly letters on the cover of the book : Don't Panic!

 

So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

 

Thanks!

 

Soft swing is usually taken to mean any sort of interaction with others short of penetrative sex, though different people do have varying definitions. It can be as mild as playing with your own partner in the same room as others are doing the same, though more often it will include some touching with others and maybe oral.

 

We don't think it's necessarily bad to jump straight in. Probably depends on just how well you and your partner have talked it all through beforehand. Same goes for same vs separate room. We like same room because we like to see each other enjoying themselves (and being on hand if something isn't working quite right) but separate rooms can work fine as well. All depends on how well you get on with the other couple. Of course there is always the possibilty of indulging in a bit of both!

 

The key thing I reckon is to stay with whatever feel comfortable with. Go with no expectations and just enjoy yourselves! Hope it goes well.

 

CB

[EvilMJ 65]

So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

 

Thanks!

I know just in my own experiance the separate rooms was bad because the men were not as ready as they thought they were to share their wives and should have started with just soft swing to make it easier to move into the whole switching partners thing. They both experienced performance issues while in the separate rooms as well, however when we were in the same room there was no issue and everything went well.

 

It seems to be a matter of working your way into things slowly so you have a chance to work out any issues that may arise. The husband of the other couple thought he was mentally ready to swing (in fact we all thought he woudl be the one most suited to the lifestyle) but when it came down to it he had the most problems sharing his wife. We took a step back and did soft swing, first having sex with our own partner in the same room, the next time we played a bit with each other partners and then had sex with our own, and then went with a full swap, and by that time we were mentally able to handle it. I hope that helps a little bit.

[UsAtHome 16]

PM #7

UsAtHome

Registered User

 

Join Date: Jul 2004

Location: Michigan

I am a: Couple

Posts: 6

 

Default Re: Best situation for first time

ok, we are somewhat 'newbies'......what all do you consider to be newbie mistakes??

I am sure we have made our share and just do not know it

[Spoomonkey 421]

Top Ten Newbie Mistakes:

 

10. Putting on the "Strap On" backwards

9. Ruminating on how much it "tastes like chicken"

8. Putting pictures of your Social Security Card on your personal ad

7. Putting flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes

6. Asking the other husband, "So how's this bitch work, anyway?"

5. "Assuming" they're into watersports

4. Asking if you can get the "rode hard and hung out wet" discount

3. Screaming, "I'm CUMMMMING!" in that funny Elmo voice

2. Telling your new playmate she kisses like your sister

 

And the number one newbie mistake:

 

Explaining how you plan to tattoo all of your "conquests" on your impressive three inch weiner...

 

Spoomonkey

[intuition897 2,179]

Cute Spoo.

 

Newbie mistakes... hmmm...

 

Well here are some of the first few things we learned the hard way, and we learned them all at the same time.

 

1) Don't meet a couple at home for dinner with their kids there on your first meeting.

2) The OTHER couple's relationship is just as important as yours.

3) If the other couple can't be civil and respectful of each other, do you really want to hand YOUR spouse over to their charms for the evening? I think not...

4) Come up with a 'yea or nay' code to communicate discretely with one another. Ordering a tequila shooter (which tends to make your panties fall off) might be the thumbs-up, while ordering beer (which makes you puke) tells your partner "I'd rather roll in horseshit before I'd have sex with this clown. We're outta here." It could be a phrase, a particular topic you discuss, a gesture... whatever you like. Just make sure you can recognize it and others can't.

5) Don't travel 9 hours for a first meet-up.

 

There's soooo much more, but you can read the book.

You know how your driving instructor told you to drive defensively? Well my advice is, "Swing defensively." That doesn't mean you don't have to be courteous and charming, it just means don't assume anything! People can be really weird about sex.

[Spoomonkey 421]

5) Don't travel 9 hours for a first meet-up.

 

Don't we live roughly 9 hours away???

 

 

Spoomonkey

[intuition897 2,179]

I don't know. Check Yahoo maps.

 

We had to drive 1 1/2 hours to drop the kids off, 3 hours to meet the couple (for an evening that was a total train wreck), 3 hours back to pick the kids up, then 1 1/2 hours back home, kids in tow. It was the stupidest thing we've done to date.

[good times 991]

Gee Intuition, you should have just drove on to Reno.

 

I think the three biggest mistakes we made at first were.

 

1. We had way to many rules, it quickly became apparent that a lot of our boundries just weren't workable if we intended to be able to loosen up and have fun at this.

 

2. At first we thought it would be really hard to find willing play partners so we weren't very particular. We both ended up "taking one for the team" because of this which culminated one night when on the way home discussing the evening we realized we had both taken one for the team with the same couple thinking the other was really into their partner. We have since become more particular about our play partners and have learned to communicate better before agreeing to play.

 

3. Be very careful who you confide in about being a swinger. We learned the hard way that it is real easy to confide in the wrong vanilla (non swinging) friend and become the topic of the week in the gossip circle.

[janaandjames 24]

6. Asking the other husband, "So how's this bitch work, anyway?"

 

i love this one, gotta try that lol

[feelin_froggy 15]

7. Putting flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes

 

 

They were all funny, but this one REALLY cracked me up!!

[just1gurl 15]

11. Work really, really hard to keep your posts here and your posts on the PTA board separate.

 

(i'm developing a complex about my spelling)

[twoferfun69 15]

2. At first we thought it would be really hard to find willing play partners so we weren't very particular. We both ended up "taking one for the team" because of this which culminated one night when on the way home discussing the evening we realized we had both taken one for the team with the same couple thinking the other was really into their partner. We have since become more particular about our play partners and have learned to communicate better before agreeing to play.

 

OMG GT, I can just see the "after play conversation"..........GT:What do you mean, you weren't really into him? I thought you were loving it. Mrs. GT: No, I thought YOU were really into HER? Then the moment of contemplative silence.....looking at each other with that "oh shit, did we just.....?" look on your faces.

[MrXxotic 18]

1. Not communicating your own thoughts and feelings with your partner.

2. Going too fast.

3. Letting the lifestyle take over your relationship.

[honeygirl1054 15]

Y'all are cracking me up! I'm so glad I found this thread before making any of these blunders. This fncpl is plodding along doing the online thing. Are there mistakes that are specific to the club scene? Part of me says that it would be easier to do the club thing,but I've heard that it is kinda rough for the shy.

[Chicup 41]

These are some things I think are mistakes the normal WSSC makes in swinging (White Suburban Swinger Couple, and yes I say this in jest to societies use of acronyms for everything).

 

1. Being afraid of the clubs.

We were afraid of what kind of wack jobs we would meet at the clubs, how 'seedy' they would be etc. Well we did meet wack jobs, mostly wack jobs like us. Now the club experience isn't for everyone, nor will everyone there be the kind of couple you would be interested in, and sometimes they can be a turn off if there is no one you would be interested in there, but its the best chance to meet 'real' swingers quickly and size them up. One "Hello my name is" in person is worth 10 emails.

 

2. Expecting a fantasy couple.

If you are the average WSSC couple, you are going to be average in looks too. Swinging might be a sexual fantasy level activity for you, but don't expect to be getting calls from people who look like they could be models. It can happen, but not often, and by not often I mean really really rare.

 

3. Only wanting to start with a newbie couple.

The problem with two newbie couples is neither has a clue what to do to bring it to the 'next level'. Someone has to be the first to take their clothes off and be comfortable with doing so. This is something we are not good at, and even today its a hell of a lot easier if the other couple says 'lets do it' first. Going at your own pace is important, but making awkward small talk waiting for 'something' to happen isn't going to get you what you really want out of it.

 

4. Expecting couples to 'woo' them.

I've seen this a few times in responses from newbie couples. I don't think anyone is here to romance you into sex at some level. By the time you put that swinger add up you should be ready to have some sort of sex with another couple, soft or otherwise, if not keep talking with your spouse until you both feel ready, don't count on others to make you feel ready.

 

5. Being 'friends first'

Ok this is a biggie. So you are expecting to meet people you have never seen in your life before, for sex, but first you will strike up a friendship relationship, so you feel comfortable having sex later? Good luck. I won't call it impossible for this to work out, but just like waiting for the super models to call you, its going to be a rare one. Making new friends can be hard enough, but doing it with the underlying 'tension' of swinging is just damn near impossible. If the sex aspect is 'out of the way' you have a much better chance of being friends later. Rather then looking for friends first, look for the kind of people you could be friends with.

 

6. Expecting people to come to you.

We aren't party people so this one applies to us as much as anyone. Clubs are basically parties where you KNOW people are going to get laid, but they are still parties. The exact same social dynamics that apply to vanilla parties apply to swingers parties, even more so. If you are by yourselves in a corner looking nervous odds are few will come talk to you, they might assume you are just there to watch, or are a drama bomb waiting to happen do to your apparent discomfort. Treat it like any party, just because you talk to people and are being social doesn't mean you need to have sex with them.

 

7. Getting desperate.

This may seem a bit contradictory, but just like some people are afraid to move forward, others are so desperate to move forward they make bad choices on partners. Yes it can take a lot of time to find people you are comfortable with, but don't 'settle' just so you can swing. A bad early experience may color one of you against swinging forever, while a good first experience would do the opposite. BE PATIENT, you have time, and as long as you are realistic you should find what you are looking for.

 

I wrote this for another thread but felt it would be better on its own. Feel free to add your on mistakes. Some of these we made ourselves and others we have seen people make, I'm sure there are a lot I haven't covered.

[lovinher 505]

How about assuming your getting the truth?

[spectraschain 21]

[Puppy2 15]

We're a new couple, interested more in public sex than swinging at this time. We've been to a local club a couple of times and really enjoyed ourselves.

 

I'm commenting on this post (this is my first time posting here after lurking for so long) b/c I wanted to tip my hat to the OP for a concise, to the point 'how to' thread. Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it.

[good times 991]

Excellent Chicup, I can only think of one other mistake we see quite often.

 

Being possessive of playmates,

We see this one often and have had it happen to us on occasion. This mainly applies to the club situation but can also happen when a couple expects a playmate they have played with to meet them whenever they are available. What usually happens is that the newbie finally meets and plays with a couple and has a great time, then whenever they see that couple at the club or have time available they expect that couple to play with them. If this couple they played with before isn't in the mood, or has other plans, they then take it personally and get upset. Newbies often seem to take it especially bad if the couple they played with can't meet/play with them because they are meeting or playing with someone else. So, if you play with someone, don't assume they will want to play with you every time they see you, or that they would want to play with you to the exclusion of others. It doesn't hurt to ask, but if they decline don't take it personally or assume they never want to play with you again.