Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[Chicup 42]

Excellent Chicup, I can only think of one other mistake we see quite often.

 

Being possessive of playmates,

We see this one often and have had it happen to us on occasion. This mainly applies to the club situation but can also happen when a couple expects a playmate they have played with to meet them whenever they are available. What usually happens is that the newbie finally meets and plays with a couple and has a great time, then whenever they see that couple at the club or have time available they expect that couple to play with them. If this couple they played with before isn't in the mood, or has other plans, they then take it personally and get upset. Newbies often seem to take it especially bad if the couple they played with can't meet/play with them because they are meeting or playing with someone else. So, if you play with someone, don't assume they will want to play with you every time they see you, or that they would want to play with you to the exclusion of others. It doesn't hurt to ask, but if they decline don't take it personally or assume they never want to play with you again.

 

Great point. Its funny but you can overcome jealousy with your spouse over sex and then experience the same emotion with a couple.

[lovinher 505]

This is a great thread and should be required reading for all, newbies or not.

 

I think we'll see this post referred to many many times.

Great job.

[girlsnboys 15]

Great thread! The one mistake I've seen is new couples who treat swinging like vanilla dating, and draw out some sort of courtship and hold the swap like a carrot on a stick. Saying you will & then you don't - essentially not really being ready. This is very similar to your point #4 - expecting to be "wooed"

 

I almost forgot to mention, drinking too much - not necessarily a newb thing, but when we were starting out we made this mistake - thinking, yeah lets get crazy:), but not factoring in things we wouldn't remember in the morning that could cause issues.

[intuition897 2,179]

Oh yeah. This one's going in the favorites folder. This is definitely required reading and it's a thread I can see myself referring others to. Very definitive. Awesome thread, Chicup.

[ViSexual 1,008]

How about;

 

'Not being considerate of others'?

[good times 991]

Mrs. GT thought of another common newbie mistake that we made and we often see brought up here on the board.

 

Trying to make swingers out of your vanilla friends.

While on rare occasions it works out, trying to approach your vanilla friends for sex is usually a major mistake.

[lovinher 505]

After thinking about this I have have to wonder about #5. This isn't a statement because I don't feel I'm qualified on this particular subject.

 

 

Is it being unrealistic to want to get to know prospective playmates beforehand? What is wrong with trying to get to know a couple before jumping into bed with them? I'm not talking about endless EM's but having some general conversations with them can give you an idea if they are the type you want have sex with. Personally I don't feel comfortable just jumping in the sack without knowing something about the woman I am about to have sex with. Most importantly I want to know something about the guy Lovinhim is going to play with. Not because I want to control who she plays with. I want to make sure she is with somebody that will give her the respect she deserves and respect our wishes. If a couple cannot give us the time to get to know them a bit beforehand then it isn't going to happen. Now at a club obviously, getting to know somebody isn't really an option. This is kind of a gray area for us and I'm not sure what is expected so I'm looking forward to hearing some opinions from you veterans out there.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Here's a big one that's not on the list yet...

 

In general, not communicating. Most importantly, not communicating with your SO beforehand about what's okay, what's not okay, and what to do if something comes up!

 

How about... taking one for the team? That's a basic newbie mistake.

[Tia Vampire 167]

When asked how did we get into swinging and how we feel about it, I reply a girlfriend got us into it and i don't feel anyway about it because it is nothing but a booty call between couples. Many couples hesitate first and seem like they have a handfull of other question they would like to ask, but they don't. I wish they would tell me what is on thier minds. Some laugh and some agree.

We don't like drama, so we try to find out who are the trouble makers and who are the cool people. So far we hang out with a pretty cool bunch when at our favorite spot.

We only have one single guy that follows us around when he is there. We can't shake him and we have gotton to the point that we call first to see if he is there. He does seem to get upset with us when we play with others, but so far has not said anything to us about it.

The only mistake i think we have made so far is taking people words for it. More honesty is needed.

[graygo98 148]

Is it being unrealistic to want to get to know prospective playmates beforehand?

 

No, not at all. We would have to feel comfortable with a couple, certainly. That means knowing a bit about them and getting a feel for them.

 

But I think Chicup was thinking more about wanting to be friends with swing partners.... the whole Bar-B with the kids on vanillla days sort of deal. That seems to be a common newbie ideal and, for us, neither necessary nor desirable.

 

I would nominate "Too Many Rules." Sure, you need to know your limits and play safe. But some new couples build this web of rules about things like kissing, touching, oral, that whole soft swing dance. It not only takes a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of a new experience but it just makes something that should be fun seem like work. Too many rules also create the potential for tons of drama when someone breaks a rule... or maybe bends it a bit.

 

And...great thread, and very thoughful OP.

[good times 991]

Is it being unrealistic to want to get to know prospective playmates beforehand?

That depends on what you mean about getting to know someone. Even in a club situation we don't just go up to people and ask them to jump in the sack with us without first talking to them a bit. If we meet someone from an add site we will usually meet and visit a bit before even deciding whether we want to have sex with them. So, I would say most everybody wants to get to know people a bit before proceeding.

 

On the other hand, I think most of us have met people that wanted to meet or correspond back and forth endlessly, and I have to admit, I have no idea if these people ever commit to having sex or not. We don't do the internet correspondence thing at all, and if they don't commit by the second time we meet they probably won't get another chance.

 

The way we normally do it is, if at a club, we introduce ourselves to people we find attractive. Visit for long enough (usually an hour or more) to make sure that we are compatible both in what we want to do in the bedroom and personality wise. If all that works out, then we ask them if they want to play and go for it. When someone contacts us online, we look over their profile and if they sound interesting we send them a message saying as much and asking them when/where they would like to meet to get to know each other a little better. We have found that if we meet someone and all seem to get along we will either adjourn to one of our houses for play or make a play date at that meeting. We have found that if we don't get a play commitment at that first meeting, we probably never will.

 

So, if what I just described sounds like what you mean when you say you want to get to know someone, then no, that is not unreasonable and in fact is the common way it is done. On the other hand, if you are expecting to decide whether the people you are meeting will be life long friends before you commit to play with them, then I would say that is an unreasonable expectation because most people won't give you that much time before they move on. The fact is, we are all pursuing this to meet others to have sex with, if it takes to much work to get you to the point that you want to play, very few will bother, and you probably wouldn't want to play with the ones that would.

[good times 991]

I would nominate "Too Many Rules." Sure, you need to know your limits and play safe. But some new couples build this web of rules about things like kissing, touching, oral, that whole soft swing dance. It not only takes a lot of the fun and spontaneity out of a new experience but it just makes something that should be fun seem like work. Too many rules also create the potential for tons of drama when someone breaks a rule... or maybe bends it a bit.

Good one graygo98, we did this when we first started and see new people doing this all the time. The opposite is also true, that is those couples that go into it with no guidelines whatsoever and end up creating drama that others don't need because they are not on the same page about what is acceptable.

[lovinher 505]

Quite a few people on SLS want a commitment before meeting up with them.

Thanks for clearing that up. I was beginning to think we were expecting too much.

[intuition897 2,179]

How about:

 

1) Thinking that swinging is all about sex.

 

and

 

2) Jumping into it head-first without thinking/talking through all the possible consequences and repercussions.

[good times 991]

Quite a few people on SLS want a commitment before meeting up with them.

Thanks for clearing that up. I was beginning to think we were expecting too much.

Yea, we have run across that too, those types usually don't get very far with us.

[des1re06 200]

Quite a few people on SLS want a commitment before meeting up with them.

 

Please clarify. I'm not sure what you mean by commitment?

 

We give people a 2 week window to meet (dinner, drinks, non-sex meet), and if they don't "commit" to a meeting within that time, we move on.

 

Thanks,

 

Mrs. D

[good times 991]

Please clarify. I'm not sure what you mean by commitment?

 

We give people a 2 week window to meet (dinner, drinks, non-sex meet), and if they don't "commit" to a meeting within that time, we move on.

 

Thanks,

 

Mrs. D

We have actually had people contact us and say that if we aren't going to commit to have sex with them on the first meet then don't waste their time. We didn't waste their time, or ours, their is no way we will commit to having sex before we actually meet in person.

 

We ran into one of these couples at the club one night and they were just as aggressive in person. The weird part is that other than insisting on a commitment for sex on the first meet, they seemed like they would be compatible with us when we corresponded online. In person we found we couldn't even stand to talk to them after about two minutes and they were aggressive to the point of being belligerent.

[Chicup 42]

First let me thank everyone who thought this was a good post and took the time to tell me, I really do appreciate it.

 

I want to expound on the 'friends first' idea since I knew this would be a big one compared to some of the others.

 

I'll preface this with saying we are a 'friends' type of swinger couple. We want to like the people we swing with as people. I don't care how attractive someone is, if I don't like them as a person they are not a turn on. I'd also state that our best friends right now we met as swingers, for swinging. In short we are not a 'sex only' couple, where I'm trying to force others to accept our views on this.

 

This being all said, expecting to be friends with a couple you want to swing with BEFORE you are swinging is unrealistic for a lot of reasons.

 

This really stems from what makes someone a friend. Years ago I read something that said friendship develops from shared experiences. If you just meet someone, you have none of these experiences. So lets say you as a couple go on 'dates' with the other couple. To the ball game, to a movie, to dinner, etc. These are not the kind of things that promote a lasting friendship.

 

Now add to this, the underlying tension of swinging. No one just turns that off. You are all thinking about the possibility of screwing each other. No one wants to bring it up as you are becoming 'friends' but its there. This makes things awkward to say the least. Its couples dating where the guy is trying to keep the new girl interested while at the same time be friends with her husband, with the underlying tension of you both know you want to nail his wife. No one will let their guard down, everyone is afraid of saying something thats a turn off, and the bbq you are having together is not something thats going to create a real friendship in the first place.

 

It just doesn't work out very well for most people.

 

As such, if we feel we COULD be friends with a couple, we will fuck in the first date

 

Its simply not realistic to be real friends first, and we can size up a couple pretty quickly. The longer you wait to drag things out, the less likely they will come about in swinging.

 

Now for the real bad news.

 

For us at least, swinging alone doesn't equate to friendship. It is a shared activity, but it doesn't seem to be the type that creates the bond of friendship. We have tried to 'be friends' and the like after and it doesn't seem to click. Our one pair of good swinging friends became friends not because we were having sex with each others spouse, but because the husbands (he and I) shared a hobby we started to do together. This let us talk more about the swinging to know what each of us wanted out of it, blah blah, and we became 'real' friends who go to family parties and the like.

 

At best from what I've seen, most people don't have more than a handful of true friends out of swinging. I don't mean people who's company you enjoy, but people who would help you move a couch type of friends.

 

I assume the motivation for 'friends first' is not because of a need for friends but as a way to make swinging feel 'less dirty' to the newbie couple. Swinging IS about sex, there is no way to sugar coat that, its not a cuddle party, its not wine tasting, its straight up sex. You can soft it down all you want, and we too started as soft swing (lasted 2 meetings) but its sex, no matter what a former president says. Its not dirty or wrong in our books, and doing it with what is effectively a stranger isn't a whole lot different than doing it with your best friend.

 

Until you are ready for that kind of thinking, you will find yourself frustrated in swinging. I've seen couples like this, chatted with them, gone out to dinner with them, but never once had sex with any of them. They are afraid to get certified on SLS, they have a long list of rules posted in their profiles, they are 'real' as couples, but they are not swingers, and most likely never will be until they are able to accept the sex part without feeling guilty about it.

[gatorvol64 216]

Well said, Chicup.

 

Like you, we find it hard to be attracted to people that we feel aren't at least "potential" friends. We feel lucky to have met a couple that actually turned into true friends. However, this isn't something we ever really expected.

 

Looking for, and expecting to find, friendships like this first isn't much different to me than trying to make your vanilla friends your swinging friends. I feel it is unrealistic for a good friendship to be a necessity. If a friendship later develops, then that's just a lovely surprise.

 

Vol

[des1re06 200]

Thank you for this great guide!

 

Could you add something about being careful when sharing pictures?

 

I made the mistake at the beginning of sharing too many personal pictures. Now, I wonder what happened to my pictures. Newbie mistake.

 

Mrs. D

[Chicup 42]

I made the mistake at the beginning of sharing too many personal pictures. Now, I wonder what happened to my pictures. Newbie mistake.

 

How about assuming your getting the truth?

 

'Not being considerate of others'?

 

While these are all mistakes people making in swinging, I think these are more just basic internet mistakes than newbie swinging mistakes, though they are worth putting in.

 

The internet brings out the worst in some people with the anonymity and people new to the net tend to be too trusting. I assume everyone is lying to me and a cheat until we meet them in person. Even then you have to trust your gut if something feels wrong.

 

 

 

I almost forgot to mention, drinking too much - not necessarily a newb thing, but when we were starting out we made this mistake - thinking, yeah lets get crazy:), but not factoring in things we wouldn't remember in the morning that could cause issues.

 

Thats basic partying 101. Its perhaps worse in swinging as people use alcohol to get the courage to swing. My thoughts have always been if you can't do it sober, you shouldn't be doing it.

[Tybee Swing 286]

We have actually had people contact us and say that if we aren't going to commit to have sex with them on the first meet then don't waste their time. We didn't waste their time, or ours, their is no way we will commit to having sex before we actually meet in person.

 

Dito

[Tybee Swing 286]

Its perhaps worse in swinging as people use alcohol to get the courage to swing. My thoughts have always been if you can't do it sober, you shouldn't be doing it.

 

Dito We find drunks to be such a turn-off that we can't play with them (Mr. Tybee, especially). Drinking too much seems like such a popular thing in swinging, that we've written into the profile that we're fine with some social drinking, but no drunks.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I assume the motivation for 'friends first' is not because of a need for friends but as a way to make swinging feel 'less dirty' to the newbie couple.

Chicup,

 

This whole post was so well put, I feel the need to applaud. Especially the part about how it's hard to form a friendship while dealing with sexual tension.

[lovinher 505]

I'm curious to hear from some of you veteran swingers. What is the biggest mistake you made when you started out?.....besides too many rules. Another way to ask would be...What is the one thing you would tell a newbie not to do?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I might get a beating for this one.

 

Don't put too much faith in swinging personals. I personally think it can be alot of time invested with little return.

[good times 991]

Well, I know you said "besides too many rules", but that really was our biggest mistake and the biggest mistake we see most newbies make.

 

I would also agree with BiloxiCouple, the internet ad sites are a major time waster. It is funny, Mrs. GT was just on the phone talking about this to a couple fairly new to the lifestyle who has spent way more time and energy meeting people through the internet personals than is necessary. We meet more compatible people in one visit to the club than they have in several months of working there profile and setting up meets every week.

 

Finally, taking one for the team. We did that more than we should have at first, what we found out is that it usually isn't any good for either of us when we do, so we avoid it as much as possible now days.

 

I know, you asked for only "the one thing", in my own defense we never made the personals mistake ourselves, we sure have seen a lot of others make it though.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

What is the biggest mistake you made when you started out?

 

JoAnn's answer: Taking rejections too personally

 

Michael's answer: Becoming over eager and jumping into situations when JoAnn was not ready.

[rpu3 630]

I may also take a beating, but my personal "what would I do differently" would be "not bother with single men" or alternatively, "don't put any stock into what is coming out of their mouths". I don't want to treat single men as "walking dildos", but at the same time, the majority have shown to have no value other than that by their stupid actions, their lying and other disrespectful behavior. It's just tiring to me.

 

There's the 1% single male, of course, which has been reasonably satisfactory, but if and when that ends, so does my single male in swinging interest, I suspect, unless another 1% single just happens to appear. But the odds of lightening striking twice...

 

Taking one for the team is a very close second (and our number one lesson learned for us as a couple).

 

Rebecca

[ShellyM 0]

I think that if we were to do anything different it would be 2 things.

 

1. Never take one for the team. Why, when the sex we have together is great?

2. Do NOT take this seriously. This is FUN, a hobby. You can turn fun into a 2nd job or a competition.

 

Shelly

[iapr 24]

HAVING A LOT OF RULES IN THE BIGINNING IS NOT A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!

 

It is an important early step in establishing rules and boundries and comfort zones and then along with that as your first baby steps are being made it shows that each of you are capable of following the rules and are able to be assertive enough that you are able to make others follow your rules. Now as you become more experienced and confident and learn more about the environment it is true that some if not many rules will become a non-issue and fall by the wayside.

 

As is said many times on here the key is communication and keeping somewhat day by day track of where your interests and comfort levels are at any given time. The moral story here is that the specific rules are not as important as TALKING ABOUT the rules. The rules over time will change, some will be dropped and some will be added, what is key is that you are talking about it on a regular and ongoing basis.

[cuzzeyesaidso 31]

We would have hosted our own parties instead of paying so much money for the local club in town. Alot of people hesitate to do that because unless you have a good circle of friends that will show up, then you really don't know what kind of quality is coming, if anybody comes at all. The way we look at it, regardless of who shows up, we always have each other. And we usually end up playing with each other at the clubs anyway so we might as well do it in our home or a hotel of our choosing.

[intuition897 2,179]

1) Thinking that it's normal to feel morally compromised if you want to swing. If you have to do this, you shouldn't be swinging because nothing but negativity and self-destruction can come from it. No one should do anything that detracts from their lives.

 

2) Not realizing that we have a responsibility to not only our own marriage, but to the marriages of others (eg: refusing to play if you know that it would harm their relationship...even if they're smokin' hot). If you respect marriage, you respect the institution itself, not just the people in it. If you hold your own marriage sacred, how can it be right to value your own marriage and not another? How can it be right to protect your own bond, and at the same time knowingly undermine something so sacred between others? And is it our place to determine whether their marriage is worth respecting or not? Perhaps their marriage might appear pointless to us, but to them, it is sacred. We have to respect that.

 

3) Thinking that it's normal to have to shut off emotions to be able to swing. Emotions need to be dealt with, not ignored.

[Spoomonkey 421]

White Castle at 5:30 in the morning after an active night and a six pack of beer...

 

Spoomonkey

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here---Here's what worked for me, as we seem to have avoided most problems.

 

Developing threesome, foursome and moresome Play with friends. Sex, as an extension of friendship, really worked for me.

 

When in a positive, supportive and sexually charged environment, indulge yourself.

 

We are comfortable asking the tough questions before Play on topics of STD's, boundaries, sexual goals, etc. This alone has helped us to avoid STD and drama issues. We do get tested regularly and our Play partners are the types that do too. It's not a perfect system, but it works for us.

 

When in doubt about a couple, move on.

 

As far as listings online: We met three couples online. One was not a match as they clearly had not been honest about who they were. We simply said this isn't going to work out and left. We never indulge the delusional. After that we always videochat with anyone from online. The next two were quite fun and one couple we still see.

 

We mostly play with just two couples, who were friends before we ever started Swinging. Ed and I were pleasantly surprised at friends who liked the idea of having sex with us.

 

There is one thing I would change. I was very monagamous, very closed off sexually until I was 28. I thought I was serving myself well with such life choices. After all, wasn't there something noble in living life denying your drives and wasn't I protected from STD's and pregnancy? Well, at 28, I had casual sex with a friend and realized that nothing bad happened. I simply had to be smart how I conducted myself and not indulge fools. This evolved into mfmf foursome play with him and other single friends, which took me into this fun sexual adventure. After marriage, I continued, allowing Ed to decide if this was for him and it was . So, if anything, I would have tried this earlier in life, perhaps 25 and be free of the fears I possessed.

[daisy girl 34]

Ok...I took one for the team and it ended up being a mild disaster. That taught me the importance of being honest. Also, we had a situation where the woman really only wanted a threesome with me and her husband. My husband felt really left out and I didn't see what was going on until it was too late.

 

You live and learn...

[lovinher 505]

Thanks for all the replies. Sometimes you learn more when you ask what NOT to do.

 

As far as "except rules", I knew that would be number one and didn't want it to turn into a rules discussion. I didn't mean to imply that they were not important.

 

Thanks all!

[Drusilla 22]

Wow...awesome thread!

 

One question though. I'm assuming "taking one for the team" refers to situations where one partner is happy with the other couple and one isn't? Is that correct?

[WildMiCouple 325]

Wow...awesome thread!

 

One question though. I'm assuming "taking one for the team" refers to situations where one partner is happy with the other couple and one isn't? Is that correct?

Yes, that's what it means, Drusilla. And that has definately been our biggest mistake too. When it has happened, it ends up being a real downer and puts a damper on playing for quite some time But, it's probably one of those things that every couple must learn on their own.

 

Brett

[trapper 27]

maybe not to fall in love as I did

[ShellyM 0]

Trapper,

I read your post and I'm sorry to read that. You know, its not as uncommon as you think. With couples its easier because you have the other person there as a checks and balances. Jay knows that if he feels I was online with someone too much, or is just uncomfortable with someone he has full veto rights, and vice versa. We are there to keep each other grounded. Some people you don't click with, some you do...then there are those that you just really click with. Those are the ones that you should proceed with caution.

Anyways, best of luck to you in finding someone that makes you very happy.

Shelly

[twoforone100 45]

The screening process. We did not know how to weed out the crazy ones at first. We both were in situations we were not happy in. We never did take one for the team but we did get up and leave a few times. Patrick Pattie

[lovestheponys 15]

As a newbie is it ok to ask about swingers where you live.

[Tybee Swing 286]

As a newbie is it ok to ask about swingers where you live.

 

Do you mean, ask them what town or general community they live in? I would think that most people would be comfortable with that. If you meet them through an online profile, you know their general location by their zipcode.

[starryeyes 23]

This has to be one of the Top Ten topics!!!! Thanks!!!

[lovestheponys 15]

Thanks Tybee. I do mean by state or city.

[LOL_OMG 130]

Chicup

 

To narrow in a bit more on your 'friends' comment. Your clarification did help. It's not essential that we be friends with someone first, but, both of us need to get the solid vibes that we 'can' be friends with that couple. If either one of us has doubts then it's a no go. Also, we have made some really great friends that we have never touched, the reasons vary, usually it's because they are into things we are not or vice versa. We have made what we consider to be friends just from two SB meet n greets, we may end up playing with some we have met or not, either way it's all good. To us friendship has always been important and always will.

 

Mr. Lol

[sereneiders 263]

Chicup,

 

We disagree so ofthen that I have to tell you when I agree 100% with you.

 

This is a great thread. Thank you!

[funfun31 25]

Never take one for the team. Never let your SO take one ofr the team. Be prepared to say (in the nicest way possible) "I'm willing to have sex with anyone in the house but you." The first time we went to a little get-together, my wife ended up having sex with the host, although she really didn't "want to." She just didn;t want to hurt his feelings cuz it was his house and his hot tub, and we were new... After that, we decided that even if you haveto hurt someone's feelings, you don't "have to" have sex with anyone you don't want to. We actually showed up to meet the cpl that was also gonna be there (there was only 5 of us...and was literally willing to have sex with anyone there but him....he was kinda creepy and had a bad comb-over).

[funfun31 25]

I agreee about the screening process. Chat with them as much as possible before meeting....at least for a cpl of weeks.....that should give u a chance to sniff out any craziness. The times we broke that rule, we lived to regret it. Those are known as our "WTF were we thinking" playdates.