Are we ready to swing?

[SweetandSalty1 18]

Hi! We just wanted to introduce ourselves. We are a young married couple and have been together for 7 years. Just recently we have really started talking about getting into swinging. We aren't quite ready yet. We want to make sure that we feel totally comfortable and want to set a lot of ground rules to make sure it goes as smooth as possible. Plus we have a few pounds to lose and want to get into the best shape possible before going into something like this. We are thinking that in a year or so we will try it. I am just curious for beginners what is the best way to get into the lifestyle? We were thinking of maybe going to a club/party when we feel ready and just taking everything in and seeing what we feel comfortable with and what we don't.

 

From what I have heard swinging can really enhance a marriage and can be a great way to explore desires and get to experience things together. I have also heard that problems (jealousy etc) usually occur because a marriage is not solid so we are making sure that we have a very strong and secure marriage before doing anything like this. We are totally in love with each other and very attracted to each other. Our sex life is great. I love my husband with all my heart and I know he feels the same way. Neither of us needs to have sex with other people, we just feel like it might be a good way to be able to live out our fantasies and experience other people. My husband is the only person I have ever had sex with and I have definitely wondered what it would be like to be with another guy. Plus I am very bi-curious and really want to experience being with a girl. My husband would also like to be able to be open sexually and experience new people and situations. We realize that it would be just sex and that we would have to separate sex and love and realize that although we would have multiple sex partners we would only have one emotional partner.

 

I know swinging isn't for everyone. How can we truly decide if we are ready and if this would be a good idea for us? We have tons of questions like does everyone that swing have awesome bodies? We are both attractive but I have had two kids and am very embarrassed about my stretch marks and my husband and I have always been modest with nudity. Overall we are both very interested and excited to do this we just want to make sure it is the right decision for us. I would love some advice, experience stories etc from experienced swingers. I'd love to hear how it has helped your relationship and if there have been any bumps in the road?!

 

Thanks and I am so glad I found this board!!!.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Welcome to the board! Going to a club is a great way to get started. You can have fun together while also getting exposure to the lifestyle. I wouldn't worry too much about losing a couple of pounds, we are real people out here just like you, and if you find each other attractive, then you will be attractive to others as well. It sounds like you two have things going in the right direction, just do this at your own pace. Have fun!

[des1re06 200]

 

You've made a very good start! Good communication and research are so important to this adventure.

 

Everything you've said sounds great so far. Keep reading here and you will see that we're all real people, so hopefully we can put your fears to rest about weight and scars, etc.

 

Good luck and have fun!

 

Mrs. D

[iapr 24]

Welcome to the boards. I hope you stick around and share your thoughts and experiences with the rest of us as your grow and explore in the lifestyle.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you have a healthy interest in exploring the lifestyle. You are also good at expressing yourself and able to communicate your interests and concerns well so I hope you stick around and become a regular poster.

 

I'll try and address some of your specific concerns and questions. If you are serious about exploring the lifestyle the time to start is now and not wait untill you have the perfect bodies. If you wait untill you are hardbodies or wait untill you are 100% comfortable with everything you will spend the rest of your lives waiting.

 

Here are some things I have learned about weight issues. #1 we all have them and noone is ever 100% satisfied with their bodies so get over that and get out and start having fun with everyone else that has issues over their body. Also as a female, if you have a perfect body you will intimidate and scare away a lot more people than you will turn off by being a few lbs overwieght. Men and women are very forgiving of females being overweight in the lifestyle. HOWEVER that consideration does not apply to men. while both males and females are forgiving of female extra padding, women are very UNforgiving of obesity in males. If your husband is significantly overweight and he wants to play with other women a gym membership and a change in diet will be time and energy well spent.

 

 

I also want to address something you said about rules (" we want to set a lot of rules to make sure it goes as smooth as possible") The truth is that a lot of rules actually makes things go LESS smooth. The more rules you have will make you spend your time and energy in enforcing rules and trying to keep them all straight rather than making things go smoothly. Find a few things that are absolute ie condoms, being safe and responsible, playing together etc and then let the rest be determined by your mood and comfort level. (see some of the countless threads about rules)

 

As far as the best way to get into the lifestyle I would recommend both of you reading as much on these boards together as you possibly can and read the 'Experiences' and read both the good and the bad so you can see what is going on out there.

 

When you decide the time has come to take this out of the fantasy realm and into reality I always recommend lifestyle clubs as good first step. Clubs are typically safe and no-pressure and you get to meet real life human beings in real life as opposed to strokes on a keyboard. You will know in seconds if you are attracted to someone or not and will know in minutes if they are the kind of people you want to be around. After that it is just a matter of getting the right chemistry and comfort level to take things into the physical realm.

 

 

You are correct, swinging is not for everyone. There is a reason the vast majority of the earth's population is vanilla. however for the right couple, doing the right things for the right reasons it can and often is a wonderfull and enlightening experience. Someone else (I wish I remember who) said on this board that swinging is like the wind and your marriage is like a fire. If the fire is strong and burning well to begin with the wind will make it burn hotter and more intense. But if the fire is weak and flickering the wind will just snuff it out. SO TRUE.

 

Next question. No. The vast majority of swingers definately do NOT have awesome bodies. Stop watching porn, it isn't real. Real swingers are real people with real bulges and rolls, real receding hairlines, real stretchmarks and real insecurities and issues. Unless you are somehow diseased, deformed or truly disfigured your biggest challenge will be in finding people that you are both interested in, not in finding people that will have you.

 

As far as modesty you can be as modest or as brazen as you like. It's all about comfort and pursueing your interests. If I could find a way to shower fully dressed I would. I would rather stick sharp objects in my eyes than go to a nude beach but my modesty has never stopped me from getting nekid and mashing flesh with the that I am comfortable with and who are comfortable with me.

 

There is no way to know when you are 100% ready untill you get out into the real world and meet real people face to face. You sound like have a healthy grasp of what you are all about and that you have a healthy relationship to begin with and that is the most important thing.

 

Keep us up on how your journey is going!!!

[partyof2ormore 62]

iapr said:

while both males and females are forgiving of female extra padding, women are very UNforgiving of obesity in males. If your husband is significantly overweight and he wants to play with other women a gym membership and a change in diet will be time and energy well spent.

 

This is something I have suspected for a while, but have never actually seen verbalized. It makes a lot of sense actually (to me anyway).

 

Does anyone else agree with this viewpoint?

[ncmd_couple 597]

Well, as a guy who used to weigh in at 335, but now weighs in at 207...

 

No, I don't think that it is a show stopper. I wasn't in the lifestyle then, but I never had any problem meeting and satisfying a lady. It is pretty much the same as it is with BBWs, either you can appreciate them, or you can't. It is a personal decision. Now if someone's weight prevents them from being an active person, both in and out of bed, then it is a problem.

[des1re06 200]

Does anyone else agree with this viewpoint?

 

I believe the key point was "significantly overweight".

 

No, I do not. Personality, hard cock, and humor are much more important to me.

 

Everyone has their own taste though.

 

Mrs. D

[SweetandSalty1 18]

Thanks so much for all the replies. You have all been very helpful. Special thanks to iapr for your long and thought out response. Reading the responses has really helped to ease my fears. My husband and I def. have a healthy, loving and stable relationship and agree that our relationship sexual or otherwise will always be top priority over swinging partners. As for the weight issue I am 5'5" and weigh 160 lbs. I would like to get down to 120 if I can. I have stretch marks all over my stomach from pregnancy but they have faded a lot and the rest of my body is a bit chubby but firm. I think I have an attractive face as well. My husband is 6'1" and is 220 lbs. He doesn't look very overweight but has a gut which he hates but I always tell him he is super sexy which he is. He has a gorgeous face, beautiful hazel eyes, full lips and just a nice face. I guess even though many people have told me over the years that I am attractive I have always felt insecure. That is just something I need to work through I guess. We are thinking of maybe venturing into swinging (going to a club or party) in about 6 months. We know we don't need to look perfect but would both like to lose a few lbs and get toned.

 

I was just curious what everyones first experience with swinging was like?! Did you start out with soft or full swapping? Were you nervous? At clubs what are the average age ranges? I am thinking that at 25 my hubby and I will be one of the younger couples. We are pretty open though and have no problem with playing with a couple that is 40-50 if we are attracted to them. Actually I think we would enjoy it because I am sure they could teach us a thing or two lol. Has anyone found that swinging has actually improved or spiced up your sex life with your spouse? Has it improved your self confidence? One of the things that really appeals to me about it is that I feel like a whole new world has opened up to me. Growing up I never even thought about anything other than the typical vanilla lifestyle because I just didn't think something like this was an option. Then a few years ago I saw an episode of Oprah that talked about swinging and it really interested me. At first I thought it was something I would never be into. Initially thinking about watching your spouse have sex with another woman is very scary. After much discussion with my hubby though we agree that not only would it turn us on but it also would be a great chance to experience other people and explore our desires. How many people can say that they get to live out all their fantasies?! We have always been very adventurous sexually and so swinging is something that we think would be a good fit with us.

 

Anyway thanks again for all the replies and I am sure I will be posting a lot more because I have many questions!!

[arvcpl 16]

partyof2ormore said:

This is something I have suspected for a while, but have never actually seen verbalized. It makes a lot of sense actually (to me anyway).

 

Does anyone else agree with this viewpoint?

 

I agree totally. Women are a million times less tolerant of any microflaws than men in general. It doesn't just have to be about being overweight. Women a so much more picky about everything. Bi women are a lot more tolerant of overweight women than they are of overweight men.

[SweetandSalty1 18]

^personally I don't mind either gender being chubby. Looks are somewhat important to me but personality, confidence, hygiene, chemistry and how someone presents themselves goes a long way.

[petra6998 15]

There is getting to be more younger couples out there, in younger I am meaning 35 and younger. Personally we are 28 and 31, but we have been doing this for 6 years and we have noticed alot more closer to our age than when we started.

[SweetandSalty1 18]

^that is good to hear!

[xoxo 15]

Your intro could have been written by us verbatum. Although that means I can't give you advice on the lifestyle since like you I'm very new, I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I first of all want to commend you on your love for each other and the phrase "although we would have multiple sex partners we would only have one emotional partner". That's classic.

 

We have the same insecurities about weight (more so my wife). I'm a black man, and sometimes I think my complimenting my white wife on how beautiful she is (blond hair, big sky blue eyes, bbw) is a kiss of death because black guys are known for their affection for women with "meat on their bones". If you can be so secure as to take the view expressed in that amazing statement above, you have what it takes to be completely secure in your appearance. If he thinks you're beautiful, why not believe him like you do when he say he loves you? Both are from his heart. You believe one but not the other. Why not believe them both?

 

It was interesting how my wife and I got started thinking about it. It started with me telling fantasies and stories while having sex. That really turns her on (not to mention it takes a lot of concentration to narrate an impromptu sex novel while making love). Also she was working late and looking forward to getting hot for me when she got home. She was fondling her breast while driving on the highway and accidentally got caught by a curious viewer who followed her until she pulled over. She had to in order to keep him from following her all the way home. He was so turned on by her, and the appreciation from a stranger turned her on too. That's when the idea that, maybe just maybe this adventurous side is worth exploring.

 

We live in a neighboring state, and only a half hour from Charlestown, WV. I wish you luck and hope to hear from you soon.

[JustMrJ 178]

My wife is 5'6" and 155 lbs. she does feel she's slightly over weight, but I find her shape just perfect. Yes, I'm biased.

 

Me, I'm 5'11' and hover between 165 and 170. I too think I need to loose about 10 pounds, but I've been told I'm being overly critical.

 

Both of us want to be more 'toned' than loosing the weight. That way the weight looks better.

 

You two have really thought things through and seem to have an excellent line of communication going.

 

Take it at your own pace... explore and have fun... and remember to talk about everything after any encounters... even the simply social ones.

 

*HUGS*

[JinxCPL 15]

We where nervous our first time meeting someone too.

 

I think it is easier if meeting people at a swinger Event or M7G. That way if you don't feel comfortable with the couple you can mingle with the rest.

[cupl4fun 361]

We were in much the same boat as you guys. Except we still need to lose more than just a few pounds (but a lot fewer than before). We just had our first experience in a club and I agree that it's a good place to start, but we started at a nudist camp before we went to the club. This helped us to be comfortable being nude and more comfortable with our bodies. Nobody looked badly at us because we were overweight at all. You might think about a nudist camp just to get used to the nudity. Plus, don't worry about your stretch marks they are a badge of honor. You could be like me. I'm a guy and have them, no badge of honor there. I'm just a big guy and I have them even when I'm thin.

 

Not everyone is in great shape at the clubs either. In fact I would say there's probably about the same percentage of fitness levels as at any party, club, store, or workplace. Don't wait just because of you weight. We had thought about it too, but the guys on the board here said to jump on in so we did. They were right

[SweetandSalty1 18]

Thanks so much for the comments, I really appreciate it and it is helping to ease my fears.

 

xoxo- wow your post really made sense to me. Thanks so much for sharing all of that.

[SweetandSalty1 18]

Cupl4fun - great advice, thanks so much!

[cupl4fun 361]

"Thanks so much for the comments, I really appreciate it and it is helping to ease my fears.

 

xoxo- wow your post really made sense to me. Thanks so much for sharing all of that."

 

You're welcome!

[theflamekasters 20]

partyof2ormore said:

This is something I have suspected for a while, but have never actually seen verbalized. It makes a lot of sense actually (to me anyway).

 

Does anyone else agree with this viewpoint?

 

I don't. Ii am a big guy, 6ft 295, and am in good shape, but has a gut. I use to be so self-conscious, but since entering the life style, I have found a lot of woman enjoy my size! Most woman say I make them feel small, or like they are with a "real man". I have a great deal of confidence, and feel like I could get any woman, and have never had a woman say no you are too big or fat!

[xoxo 15]

"Thanks so much for the comments, I really appreciate it and it is helping to ease my fears.

 

xoxo- wow your post really made sense to me. Thanks so much for sharing all of that."

 

You're welcome!

 

Thanks for the compliment. I'm really glad you got something out of the post. I'm taking in your advice as well.

 

I'm working out and trying to get into shape myself this summer. To me it has to be a life style (no pun intended) and not a "diet". But one of the things I like about this board is it reveals how much people come in with the insecurities about their appearances or body types but get to check those insecurities at the door when you realize that you are just the type of person someone was looking for.

 

Take care.

[iapr 24]

I agree totally. Women are a million times less tolerant of any microflaws than men in general. It doesn't just have to be about being overweight. Women a so much more picky about everything. Bi women are a lot more tolerant of overweight women than they are of overweight men.

 

Yeah, this is what I probably should have said. I was not saying that all overweight men are living lives of celebacy or that no woman has ever been with an overweight man. However in the realm of recreational sex, men will overlook a lot and women will overlook very very little.

 

A perfect example is a total deal breaker for mrs iapr is a man chewing gum. It doesn't matter how good looking or how nice and charming he is, if he is chewing gum it is all over right then and there. (and as a side note, none of the men in question even knows that is why she rejected him because that would have required her speaking to him in the first place and if she sees someone chewing gum from across the room he will not even get close enough for a hello.) so in other words we are all probably rejected a thousand times a day and don't even realize it.

 

I would bet the farm there is not a man alive that would ever reject a woman for chewing gum but probably every woman on earth has some equally silly pet peeve that will be a deal breaker like that.

 

I really don't want this to be a hijack and to get things off the original course of the OP's questions and concerns but I do feel it is necessary to point out to new couples coming into the lifestyle that women's obcession with their own weight and body image issues is probably misplaced however it is important for men to be as sharp and fit and polished as they possibly can.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

We tend to be more picky about faces rather than body type. We do not have perfect bodies and do not expect it from others we date. Hygiene is huge for us, it has to be 100% perfect or it's a deal breaker. The Mrs. has a thing about teeth, so bad teeth are a deal breaker too, lol. Personality is next on the list. We need to both click with the couple during the first meeting. We always meet for coffee or drinks first no matter how good the pics or profile looks. We feel this is absolutely essential, at least for us.

[SweetandSalty1 18]

xoxo- I couldn't agree more! I want to get in better shape for myself but I have always been one to view people of all shapes and sizes as beautiful. I truly need to connect with someone on a personal level and feel comfortable with them, that is a huge part of the attraction for me. Meeting like minded couples that my husband and I could also be friends with and hang out with would be wonderful. There is so much more to swinging than I ever thought there would be and I really think that friendships could and can be a part of it.

[SweetandSalty1 18]

2insandiego4u said:

We tend to be more picky about faces rather than body type. We do not have perfect bodies and do not expect it from others we date. Hygiene is huge for us, it has to be 100% perfect or it's a deal breaker. The Mrs. has a thing about teeth, so bad teeth are a deal breaker too, lol. Personality is next on the list. We need to both click with the couple during the first meeting. We always meet for coffee or drinks first no matter how good the pics or profile looks. We feel this is absolutely essential, at least for us.

 

I agree with a lot of what you said. We are much more into faces and personalities than bodies. We want to meet couples we click with and feel comfortable with. We are def. not looking for hot people with no personalities. I think for me anyway connecting with people will be a very important part of swinging.

[Chicup 41]

I have also heard that problems (jealousy etc) usually occur because a marriage is not solid so we are making sure that we have a very strong and secure marriage before doing anything like this.

 

I'd like to comment a bit on this. Jealousy to some extent is perfectly normal, especially early in swinging. The issue is being able to handle it, not let it consume you, and over coming it.

 

The first time you see your partner with someone else it may well make you a bit jealous after the fact. Being able to see it what it is and moving past it is part of what swinging so great for a strong marriage.

[realcplub2 513]

I am sorry I haven't written before this, but I just found your post.

 

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder.. No one is perfect, and the concept of swingers being the beautiful people only is wrong.

 

We are just like anyone else, and the body types as well as the personalities run the full gambit of possibilities.

 

Lets do this, imagine a local store, grocery, clothing hell the local Wal Mart.. Is everyone there the same? Same thing applies to the lifestyle. Sure there are those out there that are looking for Ken and Barbie, Hence the term.. as well as the phrase "Not Ken and Barbie here" .. which applies more often than not..

 

Don't worry about what you look like, so long as those that you connect are stimulating to you, and are into you both, who cares.. If you are still self conscious about it, darken the room, wear lingerie... in the end it won't hurt and if it makes YOU feel better... go with it.

[a_and_a 24]

Hi guys. My wife and I have been swinging for about six months. The biggest bit of advice I can give both is to be open. Talk about EVERYTHING. No surprises.

 

My wife and I point out people for each other wether it be male or female. You need to know what/who your mate finds attractive....and you as well.

 

Talk about your fantasies. It can be hard at first but it does get easier. More importantly talk about the experiance you just had. What was good, what was bad.

 

Remeber that the experiances you will have will be different.....not better. You married your spouse for a reason and don't ever forget that. If you are a moaner you will probably be louder at first then you ever were......remember different. There is no competition. Some one you meet may have a larger penis or a tighter vag. Just different.

 

As long as you and your spouse are on the same page everything should be ok. Enjoy your new lifestyle and the experiances that are to come. I know we are.

[sexychoclit 32]

You and your husband are the only ones who know if you are ready for this type of experience. If you are not comfortable with yourself then it will be harder for you to find people to play with. If you are unable to hide your insecurity, people may think that you are only at the club (house party, etc.) because you are forced by your husband. If you are going to be there, then be there. If you begin to feel uncomfortable, then you should leave.

 

You will find people who are very willing to break you in. Just take your time, be careful, and go at your own pace.

 

Others have been very honest when they talk about the different body types you will encounter in the lifestyle. Its been my experience that there are more attractive women in the lifestyle then what there are men. Single females are hard to find. There are more than enough single men.

 

Good luck, but most of all have fun.