Why does ED have such a bad stigma?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

SJCPL1 said:

WHy not use it, it avoids embarrassment and helps with everyone's enjoyment.

 

The above quote in the current thread regarding viagra use in swinging made me think about something I've been wondering. Why does ED have to have such a bad stigma attached to it? It happens! I think most of the time it is nerves or distractions more than anything else. Not being able to get it/keep it up only has the power that we give to it. If we treat it like it's no big deal then it's no big deal. If we continually act like it's a big deal then we make it an even bigger deal and thus increase the nervousness the next time around AND create our own distraction (with the worry). Rather than focus on whether or not it's hard or how great the sex turns out to be, why not just focus on the overall fun of the next and exciting experience. Chances are when everyone is laid back and just enjoying the fun without focusing on something so insignificant, the relaxation alone will decrease the chance of the "issue" arising.

[funcpl4life 51]

I think because we are programmed in our society to believe that men are always ready to go. When he isn't "ready to go", he feels like less of a man and she feels like less of a woman. It's just programming. Shouldn't be that way, but it is. It took a long time for me to find out and longer for me to understand that many times an erection will naturally fade after 45 minutes and come right back. Look at it like holding your breath. Blood supply = oxygen. Restricted blood flow = less oxygen. Eventually your penis has to catch its breath. *smirk* I tend to take phiser riser during group encounters just so that everybody feels like I gave them by best shot.

[bryanlee 147]

If your penis is your only means of pleasuring your partner(s) then you have bigger issues than ED. If it happens just move on to something else until you are "ready". I would not be happy about it, but I would certainly not be ashamed. Adapt and overcum.

[realcplub2 513]

Ok, first off...

 

Bryanlee you are HALF right.. there are plenty of OTHER tools at anyones disposal to provide pleasure, and while it is abosolutley true that two bi women can bring each other off with out the fleshy appendage, when its a man and woman, its sort of an expectation or SHE feels she isnt doing something right..

 

Its sort of like this, Between the PRESSURE of it NOT getting hard, combined with the lets face it EXPECTATION that every other TOOL used is just the lead up to its use...

 

I have gone thru two seperate bouts with it, in fact it was the problem that led to learning I have developed diabetes.. And because of the process we have that leads up to that point, I have already brought them up to speed that its a possiblity.. So if there is a problem, I will pop one, and then just expect 45 minutes of extended foreplay... while the lauchpad is re set.

 

As far as How I use it, when I have to, or like a cop in a bad neighborhood, I keep it handy in case I need BACK UP..

[sexcupid 809]

Even before swinging, this could be an issue.

 

For me personally, it's not a dealbreaker/night ender...depending on the guy's reaction. If you've been rock hard all night long and then we go for penetration and now it's not...let's just go back to what we were doing that was feeling so good anyway. If it never gets hard, lay back and relax and let me touch you. Not in the frantically trying to jack you off way...like a massage all over to relax.

 

Yes, it's embarrassing. No you aren't the first guy it's ever happened to. I know that some people probably have a bad reaction...but I'm with Brianlee a bit here...if that's the only tool you rely on, then you need to re-evaluate your overall performance/arsenal.

 

I really think that overall most women just let it roll off their backs and accept that it's bound to happen now and then...IME it's been the guys that have reacted badly for the most part.

[Nudesailing 16]

it will happen at some time, if it hasn't yet then it is just a matter of time.

 

society has placed a stigma on ed as a measure of a man and us being stupid men believe it. that being said a man will worry and of course that makes it worse.

 

does anyone remember what we did before viagra??????????? there are a few on here that are before viagra.....

[sweet_tna 680]

I think men do it to themselves, 'cause they're hard-wired (pun intended) to think they should be rarin' to go all the time. Society perpetuates this belief and creates a vicious circle, because it leads women to believe that if the guy doesn't have a throbbing hard-on for her, then she's not good enough in bed/attractive enough. That only makes matters worse.

 

Luckily for us swingers, we're pretty open-minded about sex to start with, so we don't think too much of it. We pretty much (as a whole, I think) have accepted that stuff happens and we just roll with it.

 

I totally agree that there are other ways to please a woman besides intercourse. And with the right attitude, everyone can still have a great time.

 

=)

[TNT 1,155]

Why does ED have to have such a bad stigma attached to it? It happens! I think most of the time it is nerves or distractions more than anything else.

 

I agree. I know that the times Ted has had problems were in a group room setting and he's been "keeping watch"...either over me or whoever we were with at the time. It's hard to concentrate and relax when you're "on-guard".

 

 

Not being able to get it/keep it up only has the power that we give to it. If we treat it like it's no big deal then it's no big deal.

 

Exactly!

 

I've never been disappointed or upset because a man couldn't get it up...it's no big deal...it happens and I understand that and I DON'T take it personally...an erection DOES NOT equal a good time....there is so much more involved in a good time than just a hard dick.

 

 

Teresa

[two42lovers 273]

Problem is it is a big deal. If you played with a guy and he couldn't get it up, (but he did pretty good with his tongue & fingers) would you give him a second try? If it happened again, would you go for a third? What if he didn't get hard the third time? Even if you are very patient and understanding, it's pretty likely you would come to a point where you would decline further offers.

 

This being the case, it's understandable why some guys put themselves under pressure.

[tittietwister 126]

Problem is it is a big deal. If you played with a guy and he couldn't get it up, (but he did pretty good with his tongue & fingers) would you give him a second try? If it happened again, would you go for a third? What if he didn't get hard the third time? Even if you are very patient and understanding, it's pretty likely you would come to a point where you would decline further offers.

 

This being the case, it's understandable why some guys put themselves under pressure.

 

Wish I knew more forgiving people like those who have commented on this thread. In my experience the women have been very reluctant to give second chances and I can't conceive of thirds. Hell, some are offended if you stay hard and don't cum.

 

The pressure I feel to perform has driven me to develop and use an elaborate chemical cocktail. In my opinion, to be a sexual athlete is the expectation.

[good times 991]

Good points made so far. I can only ad that for men that have this problem, how it goes from there has a lot to do with how you handle it when it happens.

 

When we first started I had problems with this several times. The problem was made much worse because I would constantly be stressed out by it. Fortunately, at some point I came to realize that most of the problem was due to the poor way I handled it when it happened. I would be all embarrassed, make excuses, and generally bring down the whole mood of the play session. Now days, on the rare occasions when I have trouble getting going, I just say "hey, I am getting a slow start here so we need to move on to something else for a bit." Without fail, in no time at all things will be ready to go.

 

I do think it is a big deal though. Lets face it, most of the time, the guy is embarrassed and frustrated, and the woman takes it personally, even if she is told that it isn't a problem on her part. Another thing that makes it a bigger deal than it should be is, while I am sure everyone here values discretion, in the club environment, nothing gets around faster than gossip about a guy who can't get it up. It sucks that this happens, but it does none the less.

[slevin 1,374]

I think because we are programmed in our society to believe that men are always ready to go. When he isn't "ready to go", he feels like less of a man and she feels like less of a woman.

 

I had a problem getting an erection with a couple we had played with before. Strange situation, it effected me a bit in my confidence, but I was ok.

 

That got compounded though when we met another couple a few weeks later. They were a very experienced couple, had been swinging for over 10 years and were a bit older than we were. We met them for drinks and I was glad to be able to meet a very experienced couple. Well during the conversation with them over drinks she said something that totally freaked me out even more. She talked about how she won't touch a cock that isn't hard and that if a guy isn't hard and ready to fuck just from seeing her naked or from the sexually charged situation that shes not going to waste time with him.

 

Needless to say we left shortly after that admission. Not the kind of attitude we have about sex and swinging and not the kind of attitude we want our swinging partners to have either. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but in the times we've met other couples and played since then her sentiment has really effected me. It feels ridiculous to me that it has, but even in a situation where everyone has a great attitude and we are all having fun it comes back to haunt me.

 

Fortunately I know it's a dumb thing to let bother me and I'm hoping my head will settle back down and I will stop worrying about it!

[slevin 1,374]

The pressure I feel to perform has driven me to develop and use an elaborate chemical cocktail. In my opinion, to be a sexual athlete is the expectation.

 

I would love to hear more details on your chemical cocktail

 

As I mentioned in my other post I am feeling that pressure to perform and at the moment I'm eager to find some kind of a way to push through it so I can get my head past the problem (and have something to fall back on if I need to).

[des1re06 200]

Having been with 2 men recently with ED, I can honestly say that I really want to be with each of them again.

 

No, it didn't bother me a bit.

 

One needs to get his tongue insured.

 

Mrs. D

[lustylearning 705]

My own experience has been that if I desire a man and can tell that he desires me, a lack of turgidity won't prevent me from playing. Some of my most "engaged" partners haven't been rock hard from start to finish, but they have been attentive, expressive, and sensual. I would play with that partner, hands down, over a less engaged other.

[gatorvol64 216]

I totally agree with you Julie and TNT. And most everyone. I don't see it as a problem.

 

I'll admit to this though. When I was younger, I'd have thought it was my fault. I'm now older and wiser. Things just happen in life and this can occasionally be one of them. A man's attitude about it could be a deal breaker for me. If he could just adapt and go with the flow we wouldn't have a problem at all.

 

Des found a man with a glorious tongue it seems. If it happened to Gator, and it has upon occasion throughout our married life, he'd just show you what a master he is at using toys. They become an extension of him. I'll never be as good at using my own toys on myself as he is at using them on me.

 

Vol

[Chicup 41]

Personally I'd be quite embarrassed if I had an ED issue. Maybe it will be when I get older but to date the closest was for the reason so many people say is not the reason, I just wasn't having fun with the other woman. To long a night, bad play choice partners personality wise, and we were using their condoms and it turned out he was rather poorly hung, I'm not a monster size but they were quite uncomfortable tightness wise on me.

 

I can imagine for a guy who's not had an issue his whole adult life to suddenly start to have ED issues it would be quite a blow to the ego.

 

While every woman is going to say 'Oh it doesn't matter, boy he was good with his tongue' and he may well be, we men are not completely daft either. A lot of women really seem to get a kick out of getting a man hard. Its the most obvious sign that he is attracted to her and really wants her. Its almost the ultimate sexual compliment a man can give a woman, and I've talked to enough women about this to think its a pretty common sentiment. No one can tell me a lot of women won't be disappointed, even in themselves if they never had to deal with ED before and the guy can't get it up for her.

 

Now I realize that not ever man can be a porn star and get it up in front of a dozen people, in fact I remember reading something in the late 90's about the male pornstars bitching that viagra was making their 'skills' less important as men who normally couldn't handle a porn shoot now could. Unfortunately logic has very little to do with the male ego. Its a very fragile creature, and personally if I thought ED would be a problem I'd join the ranks looking for viagra as well.