Playing with a couple who doesn't always use protection?

[bellissima 17]

We met with a couple at a club that we had been chatting with and we clicked and decided to play. When it came down to the protection part, I guess we hadn't chatted about it before then, but we found out that they normally don't use it. Of course they agreed to with us. No protection is a deal breaker for us. What I'm now wondering is if you wouldn't play with someone who doesn't use protection all the time?

[funcpl4life 51]

Yes, but we use protection all the time. That's our comfort zone.

[cupl4fun 361]

If we found out they didn't normally where protection I think that would be a deal breaker for us. Although you could never really know for sure.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

Maybe it's just because I'm a newbie and totally scared of STDs, but at this point in time I would prefer and will actively seek out people who only use condoms with their partners. So yes, to answer your question I think it's totally reasonable to only play with people who are just as safe as you are. Obviously you can't know for sure if they're being honest about the risks they take, but you do what you can.

 

But here's why I don't think being condom-only is an obstacle... I'm not interested in "quantity" in the lifestyle and would be happy with a very low number that's "quality." I guess if you're looking to ratchet up the numbers or play every weekend... or expect to be in the lifestyle for "lots of sex," then having a condom-only rule would probably make things difficult. But considering my purpose is to heighten the sexual experience of me and my partner and share experiences that will create a greater bond, I don't feel a need to have a lot of partners. Just a handful of great experiences.

 

The way I see it, there have to be people out there who probably feel like I do and want to play it safe and selective. I'd much rather have a year where I only meet a few couples (and otherwise just enjoy meeting and mingling at clubs when I can't find what I'm looking for) than to go to clubs every weekend expecting to play with whoever catches my eye.

 

I just know for myself, I will feel differently about people who are cautious about protection vs. people who are willing to play bareback. Knowing someone has lots of casual sex without condoms will be a turn-off for me. I'll feel a lot more comfortable and attracted to people whose practices I understand and respect.

 

But there's more than one school of thought and there's nothing wrong with either preference. To each their own.

[two42lovers 273]

Do you also ask about testing for STD? Definately bring it up early on. As for us, as long as we are using protection, it's all good. Personally, if someone told me they had never had bareback sex, my first thought would be they are liars...

 

Is it your idea if they've had bareback sex in the past, they are a disease risk? Are you going to ask if they've used condoms on shared toys? (I'm being serious here.) Or ask if they ever touched someone's genitals and then their own with the same hand, without disinfecting?

 

Personally, are more interested in hearing if they've been tested recently, and what kind of testing was used. It's always ironc to hear people talk about requiring condoms for penetration, but not for oral, and not for masturbation. When you ask a lot of people about testing, most often all you get is a vague "once a year" answer, and they don't seem to know much of anything about the tests they supposedly have taken.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

How do you really know?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

How do you really know?

 

Exactly. Even if someone says they normally use protection, you don't really KNOW what they do. It is up to each of us to take responsibility for our own safety, you can't expect anyone else to do it for you.

[sweet_tna 680]

The important thing is that when you told them you only play with condoms, they respected that and suited up.

 

You can try limiting your partners to those who only use condoms too, but who's to say they're telling the truth?

 

=)

[good times 991]

As to the original question here, wouldn't make a difference to us if someone said they normally didn't use condoms. But then again, we are one of those couples that will freely admit that we prefer not to use condoms.

 

Based on some of the responses though, I do have some observations we have made that may be something to think about.

 

First of all, we have noticed that on average, the people we have seen doing things that are known to be the riskiest behavior for contracting std's, were usually "condoms only" couples. For us we would gauge people more on what risks they are willing to take over whether they use condoms or not.

 

Second, we have noticed that most swingers, when asked, will say they are condom only, whether they really are or not. They do this for the very reason that this original question was asked. And that is, because it is well known in the swinger community that some "condom only" folks will not consider playing with them if they find out they prefer not to use condoms.

 

Lastly, we know several "condom only" couples that will basically do anybody. It isn't unusual for them to have sex with 3 or 4 different people on a average night at the club, and they usually go to the club a half dozen nights a month. Others are more like us, we are very selective when choosing people to play with. Therefore, even though we may go to the club as often as the previously described couples, we probably only have about 6 or 8 different sex partners in a year. If you are even vaguely familiar with the risks of std transmission, it is obvious that you are at much less risk with the latter type of couple than you are with the former. Even though, the former is "condoms only" and the later is condoms optional.

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most personally about the condom issue is the level of false sense of security most "condoms only" folks attribute to their use. The fact is, they provide little to no protection for the most common std's. Yet many folks actually believe that once they slip that condom on they are safe. When you mention this to folks who are condom only, they will usually say something like, "oh, I realize they are not 100% protection". But in their mind they actually believe that they are 70% or 80% or even 90% protected when using condoms, when in reality, condoms might provide, if you put the most optimistic slant possible on the available data, less than 10% protection for the most common std's over no condom at all. It is this false sense of security people have regarding condoms, that I believe often leads people to engage in risky sexual practices without a worry, that they would never consider without condoms.That is what scares me away from those people more than anything.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

The best idea for ultimate safety is to be BOTH selective AND use protection.

[beachguyz 25]

Everything is a situation. Those of you that are comfortable with it go bareback. If your not comfortable don't. I have a friend who only goes bareback. I've gone bareback and have used condoms. It's the comfort level either for diseases or pregnancy. Of all that I have read on this and other boards I have concluded that it makes sense that if you wouldn't go bareback with a particular person you probably shouldn't do oral either.

 

Just My Opinion.

[jdavisauto 73]

We are very selective when it comes to full swap. So far there is only one couple that we have not use protection with but we known them now for over ten years and they have become more then just friends to us. They are our best friends and they are the only couple that we play together and seperate with. All others we use protection.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

I prefer not to use them. Don't like the feel of them on me, plus I can't feel the woman so i get no pleasure from it.

 

However, if the other couple wishes to use them, I will readily put one on. Why? Because i respect other peoples' wishes and I am not a jerk for my own personal needs. I like to make people feel comfortable.

 

I do agree with Good Times on what they said. People do some risky things when they think they are safe.

[realcplub2 513]

Ok.. lets kick this debate into really high gear..

 

The concept of protection, and its use is the biggest part of this.. So lets ask the question from the start..

 

Do you have your playmates glove up, from the moment the possiblity of fluid exchange begins? Do you use or require them to use a dental dam when supplying you with the gift of great tongue? Do you supply your oral gifts thru the ever present condom?

 

BECAUSE, if you really consider this, If you do not, then what is the point to cover up, for intercourse? Everything and anything you can GET, is delivered just as effectively thru precum, as it is thru ejaculate, or on the female side thru the juicyiest of juices..

 

And it doesnt matter HOW it gets in you, just that it has, Orally, Vaginally, Or Anally

[cocpl2007 170]

SnowwwWhite said:

The best idea for ultimate safety is to be BOTH selective AND use protection.

 

We couldn't agree more.

 

It is a couple who enjoy sharing much more than a one-night fling that interests us. We are not superficial with each other, we are not superficial with our sexuality, and we are not superficial with our friendships.

[cocpl2007 170]

Ok.. lets kick this debate into really high gear..

 

The concept of protection, and its use is the biggest part of this.. So lets ask the question from the start..

 

Do you have your playmates glove up, from the moment the possiblity of fluid exchange begins? Do you use or require them to use a dental dam when supplying you with the gift of great tongue? Do you supply your oral gifts thru the ever present condom?

 

BECAUSE, if you really consider this, If you do not, then what is the point to cover up, for intercourse? Everything and anything you can GET, is delivered just as effectively thru precum, as it is thru ejaculate, or on the female side thru the juicyiest of juices..

 

And it doesnt matter HOW it gets in you, just that it has, Orally, Vaginally, Or Anally

 

Amen!

[rpu3 630]

BECAUSE, if you really consider this, If you do not, then what is the point to cover up, for intercourse? Everything and anything you can GET, is delivered just as effectively thru precum, as it is thru ejaculate, or on the female side thru the juicyiest of juices..

 

And it doesnt matter HOW it gets in you, just that it has, Orally, Vaginally, Or Anally

 

I'm not inclined to take on this particular debate because the stats/odds of transmissions of various STDs ARE indeed different depending on your gender and method of fluid transmission and the STD in question.

 

The odds of me contracting HIV through oral ARE lower than through intercourse. The odds of a man contracting HIV from a seropositive woman through intercourse ARE lower than a woman contracting HIV through intercourse with a seropositive man and we could debate until the cows come home about various transmissions through oral versus intercourse versus condoms versus without condoms.

 

That assessment of risk is why I require condoms for intercourse but not for oral - I can accept the level of risk for one, but not the other. Is it 100% foolproof or even 100% logical? Certainly not, but it is a well-considered decision for me based on research to date.

[rpu3 630]

How do you really know?

 

Exactly. Even if someone says they normally use protection, you don't really KNOW what they do. It is up to each of us to take responsibility for our own safety, you can't expect anyone else to do it for you.

 

Exactly to both. I don't care how much you like other partners, how much you think you can trust someone or how much information you disclose to your partners - there is absolutely no guarantee than anyone is being 100% honest with you or is going to disclose their history and test results, etc., so that you can make an informed decision.

 

It's just easier to protect yourself - get the facts, mull those over and decide for yourself what your comfort level is, no matter what the end decision is.

 

I've figured out its a bit easier to require condoms for the time being, because I just can't trust the "I'm very selective" or the "I use condoms with everyone" rationales. Trusting that rationale is just asking to be burned because "selective" is subjective and "I use condoms with strangers or everyone" has great potential to be a big fat lie.

 

Could my particular stance change? Perhaps. At this point, I don't have a lot of faith in people or STD stats; I only have faith in myself and my particular safer sex practices are chosen in an attempt to be responsible to myself.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Ultimate safety is no bodily contact or exchange of bodily fluids. Abstinence.

 

No matter what protection you use there is a risk of transmission of something.

 

Being selective? I repeat myself here, "How do you really know?"

 

We prefer bareback by the way.

[rpu3 630]

Ultimate safety is no bodily contact or exchange of bodily fluids. Abstinence.

 

No matter what protection you use there is a risk of transmission of something.

 

Being selective? I repeat myself here, "How do you really know?"

 

Agreed to all, but especially as to the "selective". I've heard that once too often, and selective is completely meaningless to me as it is completely subjective. I should put a dead horse here on this point since I do agree with you a thousand times over as to how does one know anything?

 

We prefer bareback by the way.

 

Awww, why the blushing face?

[safireblues 106]

I don't understand when people require "selective". You can get stds from one person as easily as 10 people.

 

I am "oral only", particularly because I'm not comfortable with any risks surrounding intercourse. From oral, you can get herpes, and other infections you can treat with an antibiotic. The risk of HIV is something like .04%. I am comfortable with that risk.

 

The risks with intercourse are much greater, specifically for HIV. I know condoms don't protect you from skin to skin infections, but I do believe that because of HIV, if you are having anal or vaginal intercourse with someone who is not your spouse, you should use a condom.

 

I wouldn't require other people to feel as I do, but I would require any person to use a condom with me.

[Chris&Amelia 253]

In this case, does it really matter? You asked them to glove up, and they did. I'm assuming a great time was had by all.

 

Isn't that what it really boils down?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

It boils down to personal risk management.

 

I can torture the statistics and websites till they give me the results I want.

[willyoats 324]

When we started swinging possible pregnancy was our principal concern, so guys who were not safe were asked to use condoms. Only one ever objected (for the same reason mentioned in the next paragraph).

 

On the other hand, I had had a vasectomy, and I have never even been asked to use a condom. That is fortunate because I, like some others we know, can not seem to use them. We go limp.

 

For several years now, I have had vaginal intercourse with only one partner other than my wife, always without protection. She is still having sex with many others besides me but has never had anything worse than yeast infections. She is tested four times a year when she donates blood.

 

There is no doubt that there is a health risk out there in the swinging community, so protection is wise. However, there are certainly still lots of couples in swinging who are perfectly safe to play with bareback.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

In our profiles, we are open about our preference for bareback. We are certain that drives away a number of potential playmates, but we are okay with that because we try to maintain respect for the comfort level of others.

 

A number of good points have been made about how you can never really know how safe your playmates have been, or about how test results are only as good as the day they were taken. However, the factors which determine our comfort level are not always rational ones, so we can understand how seeing a test result or hearing someone say, "I always use condoms," can ease someone's discomfort even if it doesn't make them any safer. Abstinence is the only way to guarantee one's safety when it comes to sexual activity, so it all comes down to how much risk we are willing to accept.