Telling close friends that you're swinging?

[slevin 1,374]

We have starting playing with a couple that we are now also starting to build a friendship with. Something that has crossed my mind now that the friendship is building is whether to tell my close friends (two people I am extremely close with, one who is like a brother) what we are doing. I am thinking that if we start having our swinging friends involved in our social circle that eventually it's going to come out, either by some slip of the tongue or by people picking up on the vibe between the four of us. Something is inevitable I am sure. Either I can deal with it when it comes up (if it comes up) or I can tell the people I am close to now and get it over with.

 

Part of me wants to share it with them because I am not ashamed of what we're doing and I'd really love to be open with them rather than telling white lies (about where we met etc.), but I sure do not want to lose those friendships.

 

I poked around a little bit and found a few older threads on the subject that made for great reading on the topic: Who knows you swing (poll) and Tell our friends about our swinging, but it just served to jumble my opinion even further lol.

 

One concern for me is that those friends may not be as discrete as I think they would be. Having it get out to all of our other friends who are not as close wouldn't be something I'm happy with at all. Which leaves me feeling like it would be better to keep this to ourselves and deal with someone finding out if it does happen. Although that is too bad because I'd truly love to be able to share this openly with them like we do the rest of our lives.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight and advice you may be able to impart

[rpu3 630]

My latest rule as to whom to disclose our activities to is "will it enhance our live or their life or the relationship if I tell them the full truth?" If the answer is no, then we are going to divulge further.

 

I have the same thoughts as you - I'm not ashamed and I would rather be honest. At the same time people are strange and I don't want to complicate my life/our life needlessly due to anyone else's lack of discretion.

 

The good news is you can still, if wanted or needed, introduce your two circles truthfully - as friends. That's the truth. Do your vanilla friends need to know every last detail?

 

I've disclosed in full to two friends, and my sister. One friend lives 3 hours away, and looked into the lifestyle for herself but declined to go further because her marriage isn't in the world's greatest place. The other friends (a couple we've known for 8 years) are more than cool with it; in fact, I think not disclosing it would have caused problems (long story). My sister, on the other hand, I wish I hadn't disclosed the rest of the truth to, I think. I'm happy the truth is out there, but I'm not enjoying the judgmental questions and commentary at the moment. And if she decided to tell my dad, instead of me telling my dad if I choose, I'm going to kick her ass. And she could do just that if I piss her off somehow (love that sibling relationship - it's so love/hate!)

 

So, do you think disclosing is going to make your relationship with your vanilla friends better? Or is it just going to make you feel better by being completely honest? I'd think long and hard if as to how it's going to change the relationship, because it will change, for better or worse.

 

Good luck!

[2inVT 122]

I wouldn't tell them. Unless you're in the habit of sharing the details of your sex life with them. I know it's all really exciting, but for one thing, your wife may have strong feelings about not telling your friends.

 

There's no reason this would slip out at a social gathering. If the new swinger friends can't be discreet, then don't include them. Any time we've had a mixed gathering, it's been fine - our swinger friends know enough to be discreet.

 

As far as lying about how you met, just keep it basic. Met them at a club/the gym/mutual friends/kids event/stamp club/dance, whatever seems most likely. It's funny - the only ones who've ever asked us, "How do you know so-and-so?" are people we only see every 10 years or so. But, we also have some activities that are great reasons to know people - dance classes, etc.

[good times 991]

We have had our swinger and vanilla friends mix pretty freely and have never had anyone "slip" and tell our vanilla friends.

 

We have told a few vanilla friends, and I have to say, once you tell one vanilla friend, even if you tell them to keep it confidential, all of your vanilla friends will know it shortly. I think their are a couple of reasons for this. First, vanilla people just don't have the vested interest in discretion that your swinger friends do, so their is no motivation for them to keep it secret. Second, lets face it, if you are a vanilla and find out your friend is a swinger, that dirt is just to good to not tell the rest of your friends. I am sure when they are telling your other friends they will tell them not to tell though.

[sweet_tna 680]

I have told only my best friend. We discussed our sex lives anyway, as close girlfriends are wont to do. Not only did I hate keeping a secret like that from her, but she knew something was up, and suspected I was having an affair.

 

The only way I would tell anyone else was if I knew it wouldn't harm our relationship in any way and that I could trust them implicitly to keep our "naughty little secret". We've had parties with a "mixed crowd" (vanilla friends not in the know and swing friends), and not had any problems. Most swingers understand the need for discretion. Explaining how you know them is simple--just mention a common interest (besides swinging, lol) that you share.

 

=)

[realcplub2 513]

Getting close to intimate friends is great, including them in your regular life is great.. So long as they know not to share the personal details..

 

Telling your friends HOW you know them, not so great..

 

there are some things that really need to be re thought 5 or 6 times before you do something that life changing.. and how wrong it can go, in ways that havent been thought of..

 

I hate to be crude, BUT, Would you annouce to everyone when the cycle has started? How HEAVY the FLOW is..

 

These are topics just as sensitive.. And just as much NOT EVERYBODIES business..

[gatorvol64 216]

Rpu3 has a great rule!

 

In our situation, it would and wouldn't enhance our lives. Telling family and friends would make my life so much simpler. Dealing with the shit from some of them would take a while. I actually think one of my sisters has figured the four of us out. She doesn't mention it which leads me to think she isn't ready to know "for sure" yet.

 

What would telling do in your situation?

 

Vol

[Pepper & Drew 384]

A friend of mine (a swinger) has a dear old friend that she was extremely close to. After getting into the lifestyle, she began to pull away from her friend because there was so much that she had to censor...about how she met all of these new friends, why they were having a pool party but not inviting her, and why she couldn't go out with them on Saturday nights. Finally, my friend told her friend that they're swingers. The friend was relieved...because she didn't understand why she was being pushed out of her friend's life. Now, she comes out with us sometimes. We don't have to censor what we say, and they are as close as ever.

 

Now, it could also go the other way...with telling friends being a total disaster. Your mileage may vary.

 

Yeah, I know...that cleared things right up, huh?

 

Pepper

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

We have had our swinger and vanilla friends mix pretty freely and have never had anyone "slip" and tell our vanilla friends.

 

We have told a few vanilla friends, and I have to say, once you tell one vanilla friend, even if you tell them to keep it confidential, all of your vanilla friends will know it shortly. I think their are a couple of reasons for this. First, vanilla people just don't have the vested interest in discretion that your swinger friends do, so their is no motivation for them to keep it secret. Second, lets face it, if you are a vanilla and find out your friend is a swinger, that dirt is just to good to not tell the rest of your friends. I am sure when they are telling your other friends they will tell them not to tell though.

 

Yeah, we agree. For us, it's on a need to know basis only, and so far the only people who need to know are others in the lifestyle, and no one else! We are VERY discreet and expect the same in return. The couples who trust us have had us over for family/vanilla events, and we do not hesitate to invite them as well.

 

Honestly, we kinda enjoy having this little secret life!

[slevin 1,374]

My latest rule as to whom to disclose our activities to is "will it enhance our live or their life or the relationship if I tell them the full truth?" If the answer is no, then we are going to divulge further.

 

Thanks so much for the reply, this quote here really gave me a lot to think about and from a totally different tact that how I have been looking at it. I'm not really sure that it would enhance our lives at all by telling our close friends, so until that becomes clear I am thinking that it would be best to not do it. I'd still love to just be able to be honest, but I think that your perspective here is awesome and will be how we look at this subject from now on.

 

 

I wouldn't tell them. Unless you're in the habit of sharing the details of your sex life with them. I know it's all really exciting, but for one thing, your wife may have strong feelings about not telling your friends.

 

I didn't really make it obvious in my original post, but I absolutely would not make a decision about telling our friends about our swinging without talking it over with my wife and making sure we were both in agreement. Keeping that communication open is very important to me; I love how open and honest that we are continuing to become and want that to continue. She and I have talked a bit about whether to tell people or not and neither of us really had a firm position on it. We had decided to leave it be for now, but fortunately we have this great place to get insight and advice from and I think it has helped sort the subject out.

 

So thanks for all the replies, great info and I appreciate the personal experiences that were shared!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

If you have ANY doubt as to what their level of discretion would be, I would not tell them.

 

I have a few friends that know, but they are friends that I knew when I was single and my openness about swinging came from a general openness that we shared (on both sides) regarding sexual things. Looking at our "vanilla" friends, those that already know are the only ones likely to ever know. Then again it also helps if you know things about them that they may not want others to know either.

 

If you really are not ashamed at all and don't care who finds out, then don't worry about who knows. As far as losing friendships, if you are going to lose them by being open with them, then how good of friends are they really?

[Pierced-n-Proud 16]

G'day All,

We think it is impossible to tell how it will affect the friendship so it's better not to say anything to those who don't have an appreciation of the lifestyle.

 

We had some very dear friends, known them almost 10 years, had gone away on holidays with them, seen each others kids grow up and discussed intimate parts of our sex lives together and felt extremely comfortable doing that. They were wondering what the "extra spark" was in our marriage and we were hesitant to tell them. We ate together at least once a week and during one of those meals the female of our friends was looking at some photos in our camera... we'd asked not to go beyond a certain point but she did. It seemed she thought that we were going to wreck our 28 year marriage by "being unfaithful" to each other. The relationship went into immediate melt-down and despite our efforts to revive it things have become cold between us, with just the occasional phone call to see how we are going and visa versa for over 18 months now.

 

I've seen a wise person's signature saying something like... swinging is like owning a Harley, you can't explain it to those who haven't got one and there is no need to explain it to those who have. The upshot is you never can tell how vanilla friends will take the news, no matter how well you know them. If they are not involved in the lifestyle then it is probably best not to say anything and continue the friendship along it's original lines. After all it is really only your partner who needs to know you that intimately.

[3sumff 31]

My friends all know we are "swingers." It's no longer a big deal anymore. Well, maybe my friends gf's don't like it so much since we are open about it. I am sure they would rather we keep it to ourselves. Since a lot of my friends will hint about how they wish their gf's would be a little open-minded like my gf. We do it for the shock value and laughs. I guess it is a little immature on our part. It also doesn't help that gf gets along with all the guys and none of the girls. Oh well!

 

Now, when my family caught wind of it. I was not very happy. My family can be a little brutal when it comes to razzing one another about personal issues and secrets. Never would I want my mother to hear about it. Things have gotten with my family though. We never fessed up to anything. Thank goodness the razzing is over!

[SandJinVT 23]

We mix our swinger and vanilla friends all the time, but we have NEVER even thought about telling our vanilla friends that we swing. First, I don't see any reason in the world for them to know about our sex life. Second, as someone said previously, it is a guarantee that once a vanilla knows about your swinging, EVERY vanilla they know will know. Gossip is a powerful pull on some people, and that would be about as juicy as gossip could get.

 

My advice would be to deal with it when, and IF, it ever comes up in a conversation.

[NT69 15]

We are new to the lifestyle, but we would never tell any of our vanilla friends that we swing.

 

Our sex life is our own and no one needs to know exactly what we are up to.

 

It's my wife & I's little secret.

[jdavisauto 73]

Everyone that we know, knows that we are swingers either by us talking about last nights activities or by us inviting them to come out with us to a swingers party. We are pretty much open and honest about who we are. Mark Twain once said that if you never lie you don’t have to remember anything. We have always went with honesty is the best both in our swinging and home life which is the same. We are still swinger at home through out the week as we are on the weekends, at home or at a swingers club or at a swingers party or a straight party. A true friend is someone that knows everything about you and still likes you. If they stop liking you because they found out that you are swingers then how good of a true friend was they?

[rachan 53]

Our friends who don't swing have no idea. Our son and daughter know. I think it would be a shock to my close friends.

[funcpl4life 51]

Some of the secretaries were ragging on swingers, swinging and infidelity all in the same breath in the break room. I gave them the "I think there is more in heaven and earth than in all your philosophy" line. I was given the business for months because I didn't agree that all swingers are evil beasts out to steal their husbands. sheesh. I will be very careful about whom I come out to in the Bible belt. We have 2 couples who aren't swingers that we've come out to, but they would've found out anyway. Everybody else, it just isn't their business.

 

Mr FC4L

[CuriousInOregon 16]

I am a Bit on the Fence about this one also... I have Not just Came right out to any of my Family about our Lifestyle but we do have a LOT of joking References that Anyone that has ever thought about Swinging would Catch onto pretty quick, We have also came out to a few of our Friends Ok he has to A LOT of his friends and I have to a few of mine. I get a General reaction of "WOW I can't ever imagine being Ok with it but if it makes you happy then Go for it" I have recently made the "Ha ha ha "Reference about loving my husband and my "woman" more than ever and they have made the confused face and just kind of brushed it off....

 

Would I like to tell people YES its so much easier to just walk up to someone and say "my husband and I think your seriously hot would you like to get to know us better?" but that does tend to cause a scene if they aren't interested

[jdavisauto 73]

As open as we are about swinging we still have friends that don't and some that does. Most of the ones that don't have at some time or another have asked questions on what it's like, why we do and the way we feel about seeing our spouse with someone else? Hell some of our non-swinging friends hass even went out with us and has even did some lite petting with my lady. There is one couple that if in the right mood will even go topless around us, and do a little teasing. We think that they are swingers in he making (lol).

[DesireCancunCpl 32]

we have been in the lifestyle for several years now. not long after we got started, we came out to some of our closest, lifelong, vanilla friends (a married couple). they confessed that they had been carrying a torch for us, for years and years! the feeling was mutual and we all ended up playing together numerous times! this has been going on for 3 yrs years now. they havent flipped over to the lifestyle; (she doesnt want to). they just play with us. too bad they are almost 700 miles away. we miss them so much!

[ktimephoenix 156]

jdavisauto said:

Mark Twain once said that if you never lie you don’t have to remember anything.

 

yes but he never had 3 keycards, a home alarm, 3 separate email clients, 4 chat forum logins, and two mobile phones to remember the passwords to

[SandJinVT 23]

ktimephoenix said:

yes but he never had 3 keycards, a home alarm, 3 separate email clients, 4 chat forum logins, and two mobile phones to remember the passwords to

 

OMG, too funny ktime, and very true (PS - our next trip is to Australia, glad to see nice people from there)

 

We try our best to keep our personal sex life away from our activities (vanilla), as a rule. While we mix our friends together often, with no problems so far, we don't announce that we're swingers to anyone except other swingers.

 

We once visited a swing couple in another state. We went out the first night, and were surprised to learn that they'd announced to damn near everyone they knew that they were swingers, and didn't care to hide the fact that we were also. We aren't stuffed shirts, but this appalled us more than either of us could say. Some people are far more comfortable with others knowing their private life, and some people aren't. Our rule - keep it to ourselves, and keep it amongst other swingers.

[ktimephoenix 156]

Exactly SandJinVT. there is dishonesty, and there is discretion. we had decline an invitation with some vanilla friends this weekend because we'd made plans with a couple that we met through some swinging parties from interstate.

 

our vanilla friends (they know we swing), flat out asked us if we were meeting up with them just for sex. we were meeting them for dinner and to show them around town, so our friends didn't "need" to know any more about the other couple than that we were going for dinner, on the small chance we run into each other while out.

 

Hope you enjoy your trip over here. i hate to go all one eyed with pride, but it's a pretty spectacular (naturally) place, and most people are laid back and genuinely friendly. you should have a ball!

[Chitowndk4u 32]

We're still in the early discussion stages.

 

We only have one person who knows this is going on and that's because we are all close. This is my wife's friend since she was in high school. We have very open relationship with her, She knows everything we have done and we know everything she has done.

 

I feel safe with her knowing and she is actually encouraging us to explore it.

[ktimephoenix 156]

we'd asked not to go beyond a certain point but she did.

 

To me that would suggest that they weren't the friends you thought they'd be...

 

we have the opposite problem, our vanilla friends know we swing, and when they are looking through photo's, we forget that we have the naughty ones in there (only of us, we haven't pulled the camera out with play partners), and our friends stumble across them and kinda freak out

[ktimephoenix 156]

Chitowndk4u said:

I feel safe with her knowing and she is actually encouraging us to explore it.

 

We have/had a friend like this. She would be more eager than us about our potential hook ups etc. That was until our first full swap. She pressed for details, and the whole "Enormity" of it hit her. Since then she's only showed interest in our swing lives in the hope that it's tearing us apart, or that we're not as into it/we're going to quit.

For instance, she "Innocently" drove past our house early Sunday morning to see if we were at a party. She saw the car home and assumed we were home, so texted us, saying "Called past your house because we were in the area (*we know that's not true, our place is so far out the way of anything that she'd had to go out of her way to call past*), noticed you were home... How come you haven't gone to a swingers party in a while? Has it got too much for you guys"... Our reply "We're at one right now, we got a lift from the couple we hooked up with on Friday night". Needless to say, we haven't heard from her since

[VanHlebar 187]

We have a couple of vanilla friends that know about us. One of them used to be a client of mine and I have posted on here before on how he found out about us. Another one is a guy that I have known for a long time and we actually had him and his wife come on to us...well before they got divorced that is.

 

We have another set of friends that we are almost positive know about us since they know we have been to Hedo, but they don't ever ask anything to us. They have asked a few questions about the resort, but that is it.

 

We are like many others here, we have many "inside" jokes and comments that we make between MrsVan and myself that if anyone had actually looked into the LS, they would catch on in a hurry. We have one other set of friends we think are on the fringe of the LS. They are really nice folks and we have just started to get to know them better over the past 6 months or so. We met in a vanilla situation, but they are just way to strange to be "normal".

 

We don't say anything to our friends about our choices and we definitely don't say anything to family about it. We wish we could because it would be sooooo much easier, but we just don't want the hassle of dealing with the family bullshit.

[Gladiola4u 16]

My Sex Slave and I are very open about what we do. We are not ashamed and if somebody doesn't agree with it, tough shit. We have a lot of friends who know and they are in the mind set of "it's your life, I don't care" so it's great. So far there are no friends that we have lost since they have learned what we do.

 

My sister and my brother know we are swinger but they are some of the people that I am the closest to and trust a lot. My mother on the other hand, although she is really open minded I could not think of telling her, she might think that we are on our way to a disaster marriage and all the speeches in the world and I am not about to sit and hear her out, especially since she lives with us.

[SecretAsianMan 348]

I've never really talked about it to MOST of my friends - although I don't exactly make a secret of it either. (It's on most of my "public" online profiles that I've been in & out of the lifestyle) ... but I think my friends are also more open to "alternative"-lifestyles than others.

[jdavisauto 73]

Quote

yes but he never had 3 keycards, a home alarm, 3 separate email clients, 4 chat forum logins, and two mobile phones to remember the passwords to

 

LOL, You do have a point.

[knb2004 364]

Anybody who is judgmental enough to not be trusted with the information about our lifestyle is not deserving of the title of "a close friend of mine". That having been said, we've been swinging more or less since the beginning of our relationship, so that's a little different than deciding to jump in after 20 years of marriage, having never even considered the idea previously.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

ktimephoenix said:

We have/had a friend like this. She would be more eager than us about our potential hook ups etc. That was until our first full swap. She pressed for details, and the whole "Enormity" of it hit her. Since then she's only showed interest in our swing lives in the hope that it's tearing us apart, or that we're not as into it/we're going to quit.

For instance, she "Innocently" drove past our house early Sunday morning to see if we were at a party. She saw the car home and assumed we were home, so texted us, saying "Called past your house because we were in the area (*we know that's not true, our place is so far out the way of anything that she'd had to go out of her way to call past*), noticed you were home... How come you haven't gone to a swingers party in a while? Has it got too much for you guys"... Our reply "We're at one right now, we got a lift from the couple we hooked up with on Friday night". Needless to say, we haven't heard from her since

 

Luckily, this person is a sexually open person also and was even talking about going to a swing party with us when she comes home.

 

She is actually very cool with it. And she wants the best for us and loves that we are exploring the lifestyle.

[dmandfw 15]

our family does not know we swing, and at our places of employment do not, but we are members of a local nudist club that is "friendly" as long as it is behind closed doors...there is a lot of friends that swing there and thoes that dont, know we do... not a secret that we particpate.

[LFM2 1,482]

We haven't told anyone. Just like I wouldn't talk to my children about my sex life, I'm not about to blab to anyone else about it, either. Unless of course you're one of our swinger friends who know us Oh So Well!

 

Our oldest daughter knows because she seen our profile on AFF. Nothing mindblowing there.

[slevin 1,374]

Our oldest daughter knows because she seen our profile on AFF. Nothing mindblowing there.

 

How difficult a conversation was that? We don't have any kids, but I imagine that was not the most comfortable and fun conversation!

[jjmcd 15]

Absolutely the Truth. Vanilla cannot keep mouth shut, and once you are "outed" someone will always be asking you "Who else?"

and they will feel absolutely offended if you don't answer.

[LFM2 1,482]

How difficult a conversation was that? We don't have any kids, but I imagine that was not the most comfortable and fun conversation!

 

I started to laugh when I thought back on this. She called me up and she said, "OH MY GOD, my parents are swingers?!!!?!!!?" (She said that more as an exclamation than a question) Believe me, I didn't laugh then.

 

I think my stomach did a few rollovers, but I did answer her honestly and told her, "Yep". She is quite a wild child herself. She's always been my most wild child and if anyone could accept this, it would be her. She happened to be on AFF looking for a male companion to share her time. Not as a swinger person. Even though we sat down and talked about it and I explained "why" we swing, she said she "just didn't get it", but if it floats our boat, she could care less.

 

We talk about it occasionally, but not very often. She's still trying to wrap her head around the whole "Sharing is fun" thing.