Swinger decides to cheat... any insight?

[knb2004 364]

A couple that we met through the lifestyle is breaking up. They're doing so because the hubby had sex with a co-worker against his wife's wishes.

 

They had talked about her, as he was open about his interest, but she vetoed it because they worked together (imo, a wise decision.) He's been trying to change her mind for awhile unsuccessfully.

 

So, he decided he'd just go sleep with her anyway. And to add insult to injury, he "confessed" while he and his wife were fucking (at home alone), and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

 

I don't fucking get it. Why would a man who has ALMOST complete sexual freedom throw it all away for the one person that was put off limits? I suspect we're going to remain friends with Mrs. Cheated-On, and that we may never see (or even hear from) Mr. again, but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did. I realize that nobody here even knows them (well, probably not anyway), but does anyone have any insight? I'm at a loss.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

 

but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did.

 

It's always unsettling when someone you think you know and understand does something impossible to understand. Not sure it can be explained. The first part of the quote explains the bolded second part. He was self-centered enough to throw away what he had on fulfilling EVERY one of HIS own desires, damn the consequences. Happy relationships don't work that way.

[graygo98 148]

As you say, I don't know the people or much at all about the situation. So, this is pretty much speculation.

 

But I wonder if it had much at all to do with sex or his hard-to-understand sexual wrongdoing. Everything about his behaviour says "death by cop" to me. You know, some guy (and it usually is a guy) who wants to kill himself but doesn't have the guts. So, he puts the police in a position where they are forced to do it for him.

 

Not meaning to be a sexist or anything, but several times I have seen guys (full disclosure: I am one) who wanted out of their marriages but who didn't have the guts to deal with it directly. Their solution was to provoke their wives into making the move for them. (Women, on the other hand, seem to be much more above board when they are unhappy or want out.)

 

Do you think that this could explain the situation? And remember, the fact that they looked happy to you doesn't rule out this answer. There was obvioulsly something strange going on in that guy's head.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

It may be as simple as the "forbidden fruit".

 

Has nothing to do with happiness or freedom or whatever. Tell that man he can't have something and he will get it at whatever the cost.

[VegasLee 1,486]

"if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone"

 

"someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage"

 

Those two statements stand out to me.

 

First off, we never really know others. What is seemingly to us may not be what is really happening. Some people are very good at making a good public front of one thing but are really something else.

 

Also, with him saying it would have been someone else then that pretty much shows me he was not really about the Lifestyle, but his own personal desires and needs.

 

Sounds like this was not all that you may have thought it was. People have done a lot worse for much less in life if you think about it.

 

I would wonder if this couple got together, got out of the lifestyle if they could keep it together or is their whole relationship built on falsehoods in the first place?

 

This Lifestyle is NOT for most people. Most people really do not have the type of relationship it takes to be a swinger. Many live better in the "normal" life of just going out and cheating then they do with dealing with being honest. Honesty is one of the hardest things most ever have to deal with in life and most can not be honest with others or their self in life.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

All I can say is ditto to both VegasLee and Graygo. The fact that he said "if not her it'd be someone", leads me to agree with Graygo's reasoning. He was looking for an out and he found it.

[knb2004 364]

Thanks for the feedback, folks, I know it's not a lot to go on, but I've been walking around for 2 days asking myself WTF?? The "Suicide by Cop" theory did cross my mind, and while we were present for some brief, civil conversations about the lady from work, we obviously have no idea what conversations happened that we weren't around for.

 

Anyway if anyone has any further insight, feel free to share.

[lustylearning 705]

deeper problems than you could see... all we see of others is what they're comfortable showing. not many of us would share with our swinging friends when we're having difficulties or frustrations in our primary relationship.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

A couple that we met through the lifestyle is breaking up. They're doing so because the hubby had sex with a co-worker against his wifes wishes.

 

They had talked about her, as he was open about his interest, but she vetoed it because they worked together (imo, a wise decision.) He's been trying to change her mind for awhile unsuccessfully.

 

So, he decided he'd just go sleep with her anyway. And to add insult to injury, he "confessed" while he and his wife were fucking (at home alone), and had the audacity to add "if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone" or something like that.

 

I don't fucking get it. Why would a man who has ALMOST complete sexual freedom throw it all away for the one person that was put off limits? I suspect we're going to remain friends with Mrs. Cheated-On, and that we may never see (or even hear from) Mr. again, but I simply cannot fathom why someone who has a successful, seemingly happy, swinging marriage would do what he did. I realize that nobody here even knows them (well, probably not anyway), but does anyone have any insight? I'm at a loss.

 

Ya know, that is really messed up. Why some people have to do this.... I'll never know. I don't think there are ever explanations that make sense to me. I can say we have seen it also in our swinging lives.... That makes it even harder to grasp. we spent a few days ourselves thinking WTF. WHY ?

 

Sometimes people just have it in them to do something like this I guess.

 

Its one of thoes things I don't think I'll ever get, or understand.

 

I'm o.k. with that... I dont think I need to understand everything.

 

Is your friend doing O.K. ?

[nervous2tryagai 15]

From what I've learned in life, the things that are so close to your reach, but just out of it, are what you want the most. I think had she told him to go for it, it wouldn't have been as desirable to him. Just my opinion.

[sexcupid 809]

We had friends who were dabbling in the LS and the male half ended up setting up a solo playtime that he met off of one of the sites.

 

And that left us scratching our heads and thinking wtf? And Jeff actually asked him what kind of stupid you have to be to mess up a situation where your wife is ok with you having sex with other women.

 

I mean, they are still together...but it still left us confused.

[NumbskullsX2 24]

You are only hearing half of the story. Even if you talk to both of them, you will only be getting half the whole story, since each will only tell you their half of the story.

 

This is a train wreck in progress,,,stay out of it.

[slevin 1,374]

I think Lee hit it on the head; sounds like this guy may have gotten into swinging so he could fuck other women. Easier than cheating, got into it for his own selfish reasons and when someone came along that he wanted to fuck but wasn't 'allowed' to those selfish reasons became obvious.

 

His confessing also shows his selfishness. He felt bad afterwards and confessed; now he feels better and his wife feels like crap.

[JTcamp05 9]

So the wife, knew that her husband wanted to sleep with this other lady......she attepmts to control him, by telling him he can't do what he wants to do.

 

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

 

I have a hard time understand the concept of controlling the other spouse. You have no business in a lifestyle relationship if you don't trust your spouse to make good choices. I'm not trying to defend this guy, but something must have told him that she was ok with all this, I mean he was comfortable enough to tell his wife about it during sex. I'm guessing that he really though she would be excited over this and is saying "WTF" right now..... You have no business "swinging" if you can't expect your partner to make his or her own choices and both are comfortable with the result.....

[lustylearning 705]

So the wife, knew that her husband wanted to sleep with this other lady......she attepmts to control him, by telling him he can't do what he wants to do.

 

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

 

I have a hard time understand the concept of controlling the other spouse. You have no business in a lifestyle relationship if you don't trust your spouse to make good choices. I'm not trying to defend this guy, but something must have told him that she was ok with all this, I mean he was comfortable enough to tell his wife about it during sex. I'm guessing that he really though she would be excited over this and is saying "WTF" right now..... You have no business "swinging" if you can't expect your partner to make his or her own choices and both are comfortable with the result.....

 

Perhaps that's the way you play, but for many of us, decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.

[knb2004 364]

When you cut through everything.... it's not really a "cheated on" issue, he basically shared what he was going to do then did it and reported back...... Divorce..over that, thats insane!!

 

Well, if the swinging rules in your relationship are anything goes, anywhere, anytime, I suppose your comment makes sense, but that makes you guys quite rare in my experience. Most couples have at least SOME rules.

 

For example, my wife and I have no restrictions on sex acts allowed, but we do have a rule that we play together only. I am actually comfortable with the concept of us playing separately (though I would imagine that it would be rare, perhaps when one of us is traveling, as playing together is MUCH more fun), but Mrs. knb is not, so I respect her wishes. Perhaps she'll change her mind, perhaps not, and either way I'm fine with it.

 

It's also about respect and wisdom, I would never bring someone from our work lives into our play lives unless by pure coincidence, we ran into them at a boanfide swingers event. And of course, regardless of why, if my Mrs vetos someone, though I certainly have the right to try to get her to change her mind, unless and until I'm successful I must respect her wishes.

 

FWIW, the person that he slept with is not in the lifestyle, indeed she had a boyfriend who has since ended their relationship.

[bicuriocpl 90]

I think it boils down to respect vs. self interest. He did not respect her and decided that his own self interests were more important than any rules they had.

[WeUse 120]

I think it boils down to respect vs. self interest. He did not respect her and decided that his own self interests were more important than any rules they had.

 

Well stated, bicuriocpl

 

Its been my observation that swinging works (and by that I mean is truly nurturing to the relationship) when people are really in love with each other. While there are probably a million definitions of "love", for me something I once read in Stranger in a Strange Land seemed to really resonate. There, the author explained the Martian view of "love" as that condition where another's happiness is as important to you as your own happiness.

 

I know it sounds kind of trite, but as a "rule to go by" it works for me. And, I realize this is a little deeper view of it than merely "cheating".

[two42lovers 273]

He told her he was interested in a co-worker, she told him no, he did it anyway and told her so, she divorces him. Hey, as long as she is happy with her choices and the outcomes its all good. Seems strange, though.

 

I would not be happy about it, but I would not divorce my spouse because of it, either. It's ironic someone is OK with their partner having sex with others, but wants a divorce because it happened absent permission. Over-reaction? Seems like there must be more to it. If not, and it really was a one-strike and you're divorced kind of relationship, they will probably both be happier apart.

[TNT 1,155]

 

It's ironic someone is OK with their partner having sex with others, but wants a divorce because it happened absent permission. .

 

"Absent permission", I think is the key here.

 

In most swinging relationships there's such a thing as respect for your partner. Doing something that your partner has asked you not to do, shows a total disrespect for your partners feelings and wishes and turns into nothing more than a selfish act, proving that you care little for what your partner thinks.

 

In a swinging relationship, where total and open honesty is/or should be expected, having your wishes disrespected would be a double hard pill to swallow and makes the betrayal twice as bad. When you open yourself up to a swinging relationship, you've opened yourself up to trusting your partner not to intentionally betray or hurt you.

 

IF this was his first 'fuck-up' , I agree that divorce is a bit drastic but...with a statement like

"if it hadn't have been her, it would eventually have been someone"

tells me that he really doesn't give a damn about his wife's feelings and he doesn't understand the meaning of the word "RESPECT".

 

 

Teresa

[two42lovers 273]

This is hard to figure out how to say, but I'll give it a try. Bear with me.

 

The "would have happened with someone" thing has me scratching my head. There are a lot of ways to take that depending on what else was said.

 

The issue in the forfront of my mind is control. It's not really about honesty, per se. Saying she felt disrespected is probably right on. She told him no. He did it anyway. She divorces him. If they weren't swingers, and she held absolute beliefs about monogamy, it would make some sense (i.e. you have turned your back on our most sacred vow, and now I want you no more.) But they are swingers. Gotta think it isn't about sex so much as it's about control. She wanted to control who he played with. He wasn't able or willing to submit to her control, so she's done with him.

 

If people love each other, when one partner lets the other down, the best choice is working through it. She didn't sign up to be a door mat, but we have only been presented with one indiscretion. If she wants to end her marriage because of it, she has that right, but my sense is there has to be more to it.

[des1re06 200]

To us, there's a big difference between cheating and swinging - Honesty and Respect.

 

I agree there were more problems in their relationship than this one instance.

 

 

 

Mrs. D

[knb2004 364]

We were talking about this last night with another couple we know who knows the couple in question.

 

We came to the conclusion that it's not so much the sexual aspect that is a major issue, after all if a swinger can't forgive a sexual indiscretion, who can? But, and this is a big but, the lack of respect that he showed in his actions were a big deal.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

I have a hard time believing these two are splitting up over this one incident. The comment about it being someone else if not her says that there are definitely issues in the relationship that have nothing to do with having sex with someone. News flash: cheating is not about sex. So, to say that a swinger doesn't have a reason to cheat is not true. For this guy, it sounds like he's interested in doing what he wants, when he wants.

 

Who knows...I could be completely off base...

 

Pepper

[JTcamp05 9]

Perhaps that's the way you play, but for many of us, decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.

 

 

 

 

WE don't play any set way.....just open to sitituations what were indivually comfortable with, while taking into account what each other is comfortable with....

 

Just talking with my wife about this post it's crazy to divorce...just unimaginable to think a relationship could be so frail to draw a line in the sand over this..... Unless this male 1/2 is a total moron, at some level he thought he was doing the right thing. They had no business swinging was the conclusion we came up with....

[WeUse 120]

. . . decision-making in swinging is a two-person process rather than a solo act.

 

Ditto!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have a hard time believing these two are splitting up over this one incident. The comment about it being someone else if not her says that there are definitely issues in the relationship that have nothing to do with having sex with someone. News flash: cheating is not about sex. So, to say that a swinger doesn't have a reason to cheat is not true. For this guy, it sounds like he's interested in doing what he wants, when he wants.

 

 

I have to agree with this. There's always more to any story that anyone outside of the story will ever know. And often there's more to the story than even those directly involved really know. I have to agree with those that say that one incident of dishonesty and infidility amid a couple who swings is a bit extreme to lead to divorce. But, it goes back to the fact that to swing you have to have a seriously strong relationship anyway and it doesn't sound like they really have that. It sounds like some key elements were missing in this relationship - honesty & respect for starters... and communication as well.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

Sounds like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.