Couple with a Single Female: Who pays for the room?

[HisnHersnYours 15]

I've mentioned in our introduction that we were seeing a girl we met at SLS. We had one date, just lunch, to check each other out and make sure this was someone we did in fact want to play with. *Hubby and I have a deal, at least for our first time, that we would meet the girl in a no pressure atmosphere then talk about it privately if we want to proceed* We had 2 nights comped in Reno 2 weeks ago so we thought we would meet her the first day for lunch and if things go well meet her again the next. She had to work so we only got to meet one day and the meeting went awesome, definite sparks. We had plans to go back on the 26th with a group of friends to go to some strip clubs and we thought *hey lets ask her if she would like to see us, we could steal away for a couple hours or so* we don't want to rush things and we're trying to think from a single females perspective how scary a situation this can be so we wanted to take our time and make her feel comfortable. She said she would like to see us and would let us know.

 

Well time passed and our friends ended up flaking on the weekend but we already reserved a room. Today we got a text from her saying she would love to drive up there and meet us if we were still interested. Hubby called her to let her know we wanted to and he said he would leave the details to us girls. Well here is where it got interesting. When I wrote her the details and how our friends couldn't go and it would just be the three of us she wrote back. "I'm up for anything as long as I have a place to sleep." I just assumed we weren't at that place yet of sleepovers. I mean it's cool but now I'm crazy nervous and started to over think things (which I always do) when you're discussing "sharing" with your SO you of course think of all the fun stuff but I didn't take into consideration a sleepover. Was that naive of me? I mean what is the protocol for this? Do we all sleep in the same bed together? lol, I feel like an idiot asking but I'm just wondering.

 

Any advice or tips about this and about "the first time" would be greatly appreciated.

[funcpl4life 51]

I would say if you are uncomfortable with something, don't do it.

 

That said, we've never had a problem sharing hotel space. We've done it with vanilla friends and swingers. Get a room with 2 beds. It's not as much fun for 3 way play as a king bed, but gives more sleeping options. We've never had anyone sleep in our bedroom at home overnight.

 

Tell your hubby how you feel. "I don't care where she sleeps, in our bed or elsewhere, but you sleep with me: got it?" (Or whatever makes you feel comfy. I prefer direct and blunt from my lovely wife.)

 

I would also make sure that the hotel isn't booked up and be prepared to plonk down for an extra room and breakfast. If you just don't want her in your room overnight, have a gracious way out.

 

She drove up to see you and if she got a room and breakfast and to meet some nice people out of it (even if nothing happened) she probably will go away thinking well of you. If you all wind up screwing each others' brains out repeatedly and sleeping in a puppy pile, so much the better.

 

I have found that swinging gives me an opportunity to live by the golden rule and the great rede at the same time. 8)

 

Mr FC4L

 

PS Sharing a hotel room between 3 lovely pentacostal holiness ladies and one dude (me) at a work conference was interesting. Lots of waiting for the bathroom. Lots of long pajama bottoms. Sleeping in bras and wearing PJ bottoms with a nightgown made me giggle.

[N&G 207]

There are no fixed rules in this case so do whatever is comfortable with everyone. If there are two beds in the room the extra female will probably sleep separately (maybe that's what she prefers) but if it's a king size bed there is plenty of roon for three. When sharing a room with others you will find that different sleep habits become more of a concern. There are lots of people that you may enjoy sexually but you can't sleep in the same room with them. Things like snoring, leaving the lights or TV on, or just getting up at 5AM when you like to sleep until 8 can make others very incompatible. There is an unwritten rule with couples that you sleep with your own partner but once again you are free to do whatever is agreeable to everyone.

[des1re06 200]

Talk to her one-on-one instead of email about the sleeping arrangements.

 

Some single ladies expect you to foot the entire bill (food and room) and some don't. I'd ask about that up front. It wouldn't be a problem for us, and you should be prepared to cover all her expenses if you invite her for an overnight trip.

 

Go with what makes you feel comfortable, as said already.

 

Good luck and have fun!

 

Mrs. D

[VANudistcpl 109]

I would say if you are uncomfortable with something, don't do it.

Even though we are still rookies in this world, this is probably the best advice we have heard. On our first visit to a club we heard that phrase as much as no means no.

 

I would agree that you should talk to her face to face about all the arrangements not just where to sleep.

 

Mr. Nudist

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I really don't understand the single women who expect everything to be paid for by a couple (anymore than I understand single women who expect everything to be paid for by a guy). IMO, that's like saying she expects to be paid for sex.

 

That said, I do understand where she's ready to go and you might not be. You need to ask yourself if you are really ready to play? Most single females in the lifestyle are there for the sex, not to develop longterm relationships or friendships, they can get that elsewhere. If she's making the effort to drive to meet you, then she's obviously interested. Were I her, though, I'd want my own room (but that's just me).

 

As someone else suggested earlier, talk to her directly (via phone not email) and discuss these issues. Let her know what you are and are not comfortable with and give her the chance to do the same. Unless you let her know that you weren't ready to move that fast, she has no reason to think otherwise.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

Our first time ended up being a sleepover, and we personally wouldn't recommend it (for the first time). For us, everything was so new, and there were so many things to talk about, emotions to process, etc., that we would have been much better served to have some time just to ourselves. In the end, our sleepover ended up being a two-day event, and we felt a bit out of sorts with each other. Everyone is different, and you may be fine with a sleepover (we would be now). If you do end up sharing a room, I would suggest two beds. Or better yet, a second room would be ideal.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

I really don't understand the single women who expect everything to be paid for by a couple... IMO, that's like saying she expects to be paid for sex.

 

 

Just another way of looking at it here:

 

First off to provide some perspective, I'm the kind of girl that has a hard time letting the guy I'm dating pay for too much... so this is where I'm coming from with my response. I don't believe in taking advantage. For some reason I feel like letting a guy pay all the time is showing him that you don't respect his finances (ie. his future) or that you don't value that he has to work hard for what he spends on you.

 

At the same time I've had several boyfriends in the past get offended that I always wanted to donate towards our activities. Some men were brought up to be chivalrous, and part of their showing care and affection is tied up in "taking care of things" whether they have lots of money or not.

 

With my most recent past boyfriend, I let him pay for more than I normally had in the past... but not everything. I was afraid to upset him by rejecting his generosity, and he was wonderfully generous. But it's just not in my nature to let a guy go broke taking us places. A relationship should be a team effort, both emotionally and financially.

 

With that said, I think I'd be offended if I was (hypothetically) the single girl playing with a couple and they didn't offer to be generous. Not that they "owe" the girl they play with, but classy people in general understand the unspoken wealth hierarchy. A couple is higher on the scale than a single girl.

 

Like for an example, in business... it's understood that if you're the supervisor going to lunch with a subordinate you always pay. If you're taking out your team for drinks, you either put it on your own credit card or you put it on the company card. I can't debate this with anyone in logical terms because it's not a logical practice. But there is something to be said for people who kindly and willingly pick up a tab in a social setting even though there's no tangible obligation. It says something about their level of class and their upbringing.

 

As a girl with many positive dating experiences to draw on, I'd much prefer to spend my time with people who are generous and classy vs. those who are tight, petty, and worried about "paying for sex." I've read a dozen times in the forums that swinging isn't a cheap endeavor. So I would naturally assume people looking to swing in personal ads aren't expecting to get to do it on the cheap. In a way, it's almost like they need to assure their potential partners that they're NOT cheap. (Just like a guy going out on a date would.)

 

Put yourself in the single girl's shoes... there are hundreds of couples (and single guys!) wanting you. If you come across a couple that doesn't try to "court" you, it could make you feel that they think you're cheap and undesirable or "below them"... or that you have no other options. But if you went out on a date with a guy who didn't offer to pay for dinner, wouldn't you feel the same way? Like he didn't value the opportunity to spend time with you? How many confident, sexy girls would put up with that? I'm not saying it's fair, but it's the way it is.

 

Couples who make it clear they value the girl and want to make sure she's comfortable are communicating in a subtle way that they appreciate her and value her time. It will only add to her respect for them and ultimately her attraction to them. (ie. These are probably going to be classy people!)

 

This is what confident, desirable, single girls expect from a man so why would it be a different standard for a couple?

 

My only alternate thought is that a couple that realizes they themselves are sexy and may be used to being sought after in club or house party situations may be stuck on themselves and feel they're doing a favor to the girl by letting her play with them.

 

That doesn't sound any better to me than a stuck up guy who thinks he's god's gift to women... and treats them like they should be groveling just to be with him. A couple that doesn't court a single girl with generosity and respect could easily be coming across the same way. At least to the single girls who have been treated well in the past and know what "class" looks like.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

Our first time ended up being a sleepover, and we personally wouldn't recommend it (for the first time). For us, everything was so new, and there were so many things to talk about, emotions to process, etc., that we would have been much better served to have some time just to ourselves.

 

We tend to agree with this. A big part of the first time for us was enjoying the very intense "afterglow" alone as a couple. Lots of talking and sex several times that night followed the actual encounter, what a night!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

With that said, I think I'd be offended if I was (hypothetically) the single girl playing with a couple and they didn't offer to be generous. Not that they "owe" the girl they play with, but classy people in general understand the unspoken wealth hierarchy. A couple is higher on the scale than a single girl.

 

Like for an example, in business... it's understood that if you're the supervisor going to lunch with a subordinate you always pay. If you're taking out your team for drinks, you either put it on your own credit card or you put it on the company card. I can't debate this with anyone in logical terms because it's not a logical practice. But there is something to be said for people who kindly and willingly pick up a tab in a social setting even though there's no tangible obligation. It says something about their level of class and their upbringing.

 

As a girl with many positive dating experiences to draw on, I'd much prefer to spend my time with people who are generous and classy vs. those who are tight, petty, and worried about "paying for sex."

 

I can agree with you to an extent but the overall point I don't agree with. I've been the single female both in dating and in the lifestyle and I would NEVER expect a couple to pay for my part of anything. There's a difference between a couple OFFERING to pay and someone EXPECTING them to pay. So just as there's much to be said for a couple who offers to pick up the tab for a single female (or a single male, or even another couple) there's just as much to be said for any of those who EXPECT someone else to pick up their tab.

 

Also, I don't necessarily agree with you that couples fall higher on the wealth hiarchy than a single. Everyone's finances are different. My income as a single female was quite often higher than the guys I dated OR than any of the couples I met (with two of them put together). Which may be all the more reason I feel as strongly as I do that a single should be just as willing to pick up the tab (at the very least their own).

 

 

I've read a dozen times in the forums that swinging isn't a cheap endeavor. So I would naturally assume people looking to swing in personal ads aren't expecting to get to do it on the cheap. In a way, it's almost like they need to assure their potential partners that they're NOT cheap. (Just like a guy going out on a date would.)

 

It's not cheap but it doesn't have to be expensive. In this particular case you've got both the couple AND the single who are travelling to a different city to meet (meeting in the middle so to speak), that said, they should both be willing to meet in the middle on the expense as well.

 

 

Put yourself in the single girl's shoes... there are hundreds of couples (and single guys!) wanting you. If you come across a couple that doesn't try to "court" you, it could make you feel that they think you're cheap and undesirable or "below them"... or that you have no other options.

But if you went out on a date with a guy who didn't offer to pay for dinner, wouldn't you feel the same way? Like he didn't value the opportunity to spend time with you? How many confident, sexy girls would put up with that? I'm not saying it's fair, but it's the way it is.

 

Swinging isn't dating. I would NOT want a couple to court me in any way shape or form. The idea of a couple doing so would actually make me feel like they wanted more than just swinging out of me (something more akin to a girlfriend). The same with guys, when I was single and NOT looking for a relationship while I was fine with a guy offering to pay and if I went out with a guy more than once typically we would trade off on who paid (if not just get our own checks), but if I wasn't looking for a boyfriend then no I wouldn't want him to feel that he should be paying for anything. And in the end, really just the OFFERING to pay from a single guy was enough to let me know that he was a gentleman and valued the opportunity to spend time with me. But, if a guy is also not comfortable enough in himself to step back and say "ok" when I say that I'm not comfortable with him paying, then I know that he's got some other issues I don't want to deal with.

 

This is what confident, desirable, single girls expect from a man so why would it be a different standard for a couple?

 

Everyone is different, which is why it's all the more important to make sure that everyone expresses their expectations and needs upfront to ensure that they all match. Why should a single (of any sex) in the lifestyle expect to be or be treated differently than another couple when it comes to this? I don't think they should and just as I would not expect another couple to pick up our tab, or expect to pick up theirs (although we might offer if we consider them friends or just felt the urge), we would not expect to pick up the tab for a single, nor would/did I ever expect a couple to pick up my check as a single female.

[good times 991]

Our first time ended up being a sleepover, and we personally wouldn't recommend it (for the first time). For us, everything was so new, and there were so many things to talk about, emotions to process, etc., that we would have been much better served to have some time just to ourselves. In the end, our sleepover ended up being a two-day event, and we felt a bit out of sorts with each other. Everyone is different, and you may be fine with a sleepover (we would be now). If you do end up sharing a room, I would suggest two beds. Or better yet, a second room would be ideal.

Excellent points here. The first time you play with someone else you are going to want to talk about it for hours afterword, and at that point she would be the third wheel that you would prefer was somewhere else.

 

This is what confident, desirable, single girls expect from a man so why would it be a different standard for a couple?

I have to say that I disagree with this completely. The fact is, a single girl in the lifestyle and a single girl dating, for the good of everybody involved, better be two totally different things. On the one hand the girl is looking to be courted and is looking for a relationship. On the other hand a single swinger is looking for casual sex unencumbered by the commitments and obligations involved with an emotion relationship. Likewise, their is, or should be, no difference between a single swinger and a couple as far as their expectations and desires are concerned. They both expect to have a mutually satisfying liaison for casual sex. This would only be complicated by the obligations implied if the couple in question is paying all the bills.

 

The fact is, in Reno, a couple can go to the local brothels and legally pay for a woman to play with for a modest fee, and you know ahead of time what you will get and leave when you are done. I would actually be extremely leery of a single female that expected us to pay her way. Sounds like a prostitute/escort to me, their are tons of them on the internet.

 

To the OP,

I know several so called "escorts" personally, and I have to say if she expects you to pick up the tab for her stay, that is a major red flag to me.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

I can agree with you to an extent but the overall point I don't agree with. I've been the single female both in dating and in the lifestyle and I would NEVER expect a couple to pay for my part of anything. There's a difference between a couple OFFERING to pay and someone EXPECTING them to pay.

 

 

I do agree with you, Julie... it's actually quite tasteless to "expect" someone to pay for you. I think maybe my opinion stated above is more based on a single girl who hasn't been in a lot of swinging situations and is just used to having men insist on paying for things. This is just a perspective from an inexperienced female... advice for the couples who will be coming across them. I would think it's possible there are plenty of single girls out there who are new to swinging and may feel the same way I do. It would be helpful for couples who encounter them to understand where they're coming from. It's a conditioned, culturally-natural response from a single girl who has always been treated chivalrously.

 

For me, I would "notice" if a couple wasn't being generous, and based on my past experiences it actually would be a turn-off. I never expect someone to pay and am always prepared to pay for both me and my partner wherever we go if necessary.

 

But I can't HELP but notice if someone doesn't offer because it has happened so rarely (or maybe never). This is the key! It's not about being an escort or a prostitute. It's just how I've always been treated so I would readily notice if someone treated me otherwise.

 

So many past experiences have molded my perception of how people treat you when they value you and when they want to spend time with you. If I had started swinging or seeking casual encounters at an earlier age maybe I would see things differently and understand when a couple or a single guy wants to be with me but isn't naturally generous.

 

We all have different backgrounds and different ways of seeing the world... This is just mine. Not right and not wrong. Just a perception based on experiences. It's not that inexperienced single girls are bad or want to take advantage. We've just had different experiences so we're conditioned to see things differently than an experienced swinger. I think this is one of the great values of these forums. You can have access to the thoughts and feelings of so many different kinds of people with so many varied backgrounds. And no one is necessarily right or wrong. They're just adding to the general knowledge base and the OP can read everything and decide what opinions have value for their specific situation.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

...she wrote back. "im up for anything as long as i have a place to sleep" i just assumed we werent at that place yet of sleepovers....what is the protocol for this?

Her comment about having a place to sleep could have meant nothing more than she'll need a place to sleep...kind of like saying if I have food on my plate, a place to sleep, and a hot shower I'm a happy camper!

 

Still, it's best to be clear about the sleeping arrangements and really all you have to do is let her know what hotel you're staying at so she can get herself a room there too. Letting her know that you and your husband prefer your own room is very okay, as other experienced swingers have said already, it's standard protocol for them for the reasons they've mentioned. We always get our own room when we meet couples.

 

I play solo with couples where I stay with them in their room because they invited me AND - most important - I've played with them on many occasions as a couple, with my husband. We knew each other well and had already played so we all felt very comfortable sharing a room. Even then, if I would ever play with a couple who I'd played with before, and they preferred separate rooms, I'd be fine with that. I may even prefer my own room with couples who I know well and I'd not hesitate to let them know I'd prefer my own room. I make that decision based on the couple.

 

I see no reason for you to pay for her room. Any single should be willing to pay for her swinging costs, just as a couple does. It's nice when the couple pays for my drinks or dinner and they most always do, even though I offer to pay for myself. Sometimes I pay for their drinks, it's a give and take with people you continue to play with. I also always offer to pay for half the room cost when I stay with a couple.

 

At this point you don't know for sure you all will play. All the more reason to have your own rooms.

 

On a final note in response to another post: How much you think a person makes for a living should never be a consideration when it comes to paying your own way. If I was single I'd find it offensive if a couple presumed I didn't make as much as they do just because I was single.

 

LM

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Her comment about having a place to sleep could have meant nothing more than she'll need a place to sleep...kind of like saying if I have food on my plate, a place to sleep, and a hot shower I'm a happy camper!

 

Still, it's best to be clear about the sleeping arrangements and really all you have to do is let her know what hotel you're staying at so she can get herself a room there too. Letting her know that you and your husband prefer your own room is very okay, as other experienced swingers have said already, it's standard protocol for them for the reasons they've mentioned. We always get our own room when we meet couples.

 

 

Good Points all the way across there. We were quick to jump on that and say that she was expecting you to pay but it is possible that she's not. Again it goes back to communication and TALKING with her about what your and her comfort levels and expectations are regarding this meeting.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

For me, I would "notice" if a couple wasn't being generous, and based on my past experiences it actually would be a turn-off. I never expect someone to pay and am always prepared to pay for both me and my partner wherever we go if necessary.

 

But I can't HELP but notice if someone doesn't offer because it has happened so rarely (or maybe never). This is the key! It's not about being an escort or a prostitute. It's just how I've always been treated so I would readily notice if someone treated me otherwise.

 

So many past experiences have molded my perception of how people treat you when they value you and when they want to spend time with you.

So if you were still single and didn't offer to pick up the tab for a couple, would you be offended when they "notice" you aren't being generous, they are turned off and take it to mean that you don't value them or want to spend time with them?

[HisnHersnYours 15]

wow! so many responses! thanks so much for all the great advice! i'll admit when you join a new forum there's always that initial worry what the ppl will be like and everyone here is so nice and helpful, so thanks.

 

To start, DH and i didnt even have to discuss much about who picks up the tab, we both pretty much assumed we are the couple, she is the single female, we pay. like i said, we've NEVER done this and i was actually surprised to read that single females shouldnt expect the couple to pay. we just figured that was the norm. either way, we plan on paying. The plan is taking her to eat, then for drinks, then back to the room. we just hadnt planned on an extra hotel room.

 

On the subject of sleepovers, i would have to say i really like the suggestion of another room. the OP hit the nail on the head concerning the "after glow", the sex between him and i later & the next morning awkwardness. that makes a lot of sense to me.

 

i did talk to her and she said all cute like "i could always drive home if thats an issue, i dont want you uncomfortable at all" i kept thinking *shes adorable!* "no we DONT want you to go home!" it does take me a bit longer to get to the full on sex, thats my hangup (probably because its our first time, the one on one with previous girl and i was much easier and WAS more of a "woo'ing" type situation) i guess i am more of the "woo'er". she was totally okay with taking it a bit slower and going with the vibe of the night. looking back at our conversation she is so down to earth and easy going it really makes me want her more. as ive said for me attraction isnt all about looks and i found when i first told her i had to take it slow, after we talked about it, im pretty much full on ready now. LOL.

 

so im going to call the hotel and ask for an extra room, i do think that would be best. we will foot the bill because thats just how my husband is. but i can see why this lifestyle is expensive, at this rate we wont be able to play as often maybe as we like. i did hear julie that it doesnt have to be that way, unfortunately for us it does, my husband wouldnt have it any other way. he's a southern gentleman at heart.

 

so problem solved. this place is awesome! its like overnight answers, i LOVE it! cant say thank you enough

[SnowwwWhite 39]

So if you were still single and didn't offer to pick up the tab for a couple, would you be offended when they "notice" you aren't being generous, they are turned off and take it to mean that you don't value them or want to spend time with them?

 

I only have vanilla dating situations to go by, but I've never been on a date where I didn't offer to pay for at least part of it. And with my manners I doubt I would ever offend someone I just met or give the impression I expected any sort of compensation.

 

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

 

I'm really surprised at the number of people who don't like hearing this point of view. Sorry guys, but not everyone has years and years of swinging experience and has gotten used to meeting for a down-and-dirty rendezvous. If you plan to meet inexperienced single females you may need to consider where they're coming from before judging them. Some of them may be accustomed to being treated very well and will notice when they're not. Who wouldn't?

 

I'm not about to apologize for having been treated well in life or expecting people I meet to have a minimal amount of class. I simply have an opinion. Whether it's popular or not doesn't give license for people to attack it and try to turn it into a single girl who's "expecting" to be paid for services rendered.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

we will foot the bill because thats just how my husband is... my husband wouldnt have it any other way. he's a southern gentleman at heart.

 

I'm so glad you wrote that... maybe part of the reason I feel the way I do is that I'm from the South... I'm so used to Southern gentlemen that I've gotten spoiled.

 

I know that not all men from the South have that generosity but I'd have to say from my experience many of them have an inherent level of class when dealing with females... whether they're friends or family, married or single, and I'm guessing "vanilla or swinger."

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

 

I don't think anyone is questioning (at least I'm not) the idea of treating others (singles or not) with generosity. It's one thing to offer to pay (and most people will), it's a different picture when ANYONE is assuming or expecting that someone else will pay. The latter idea is what I got from your earlier posts - that you EXPECT others to pay (or to at least offer to pay and would consider it rude if they did not).

[WeMayTryIt 120]

I only have vanilla dating situations to go by, but I've never been on a date where I didn't offer to pay for at least part of it. And with my manners I doubt I would ever someone I just met or give the impression I expected any sort of compensation.

 

I don't quite get your point, though. I'm just communicating a different perspective... from a single female point of view, someone who isn't exactly a seasoned swinger. I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

 

I'm really surprised at the number of people who don't like hearing this point of view. Sorry guys, but not everyone has years and years of swinging experience and has gotten used to meeting for a down-and-dirty rendezvous. If you plan to meet inexperienced single females you may need to consider where they're coming from before judging them. Some of them may be accustomed to being treated very well and will notice when they're not. Who wouldn't?

 

I'm not about to apologize for having been treated well in life or expecting people I meet to have a minimal amount of class. I simply have an opinion. Whether it's popular or not doesn't give license for people to attack it and try to turn it into a single girl who's "expecting" to be paid for services rendered.

I hold no animosity at all toward you. Is it so anathema to want to treat the couples you meet with generosity? As you were doing, I'm just bringing a little perspective to the subject. While I personally would never consider the possibility of NOT offering generosity to a single female, neither would I consider not offering generosity to another couple or a single male. I'm not speaking about you with this comment, as I don't know you, but a lot of the single females we've encountered not only expect generosity to be offered to them, as though it's a right, the thought that they should offer to pick up a tab is reprehensible to them. It's a bit of the spoiled diva syndrome. Having said that, we have met plenty of single females who are NOT that way. They are usually the ones we feel most generous toward in the end. Single females aren't the only ones who are used to being treated well, with respect and a minimal amount of class, and they shouldn't feel they are owed such any more than a couple is. My point is simply that what we expect of others, we should be willing to offer back, regardless of whether we're talking about couples or singles.

[two42lovers 273]

We've had our share of play-dates with single women, and many encounters turned into sleepovers, with the three of us sleeping in the same bed. Since our circumstances allow for it, we prefer to play in our home - or our playmate's home. No need for a hotel. We also have a spare bedroom.

 

When we take a single woman out for drinks or dinner, we pick up the tab. Glad to do it. No expectations.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

When we take a single woman out for drinks or dinner, we pick up the tab. Glad to do it. No expectations.

As do we. Sometimes, the lack of expectation is quite one-sided.

[good times 991]

I don't understand the animosity. Is it so anathema to want to treat the singles you meet with generosity?

The simple answer to this question is, yes, most swingers I know, whether a couple, or single for that matter, would be offended by someone who assumed they were somehow "special" and expected to be treated with "generosity". And no, I am not trying to attack you personally, I am simply trying to help you understand an important distinction between what it is being a single and dating, and what it is to be a swinger.

 

You are either a swinger or not, whether you are single or a couple makes no difference, a swinger is a swinger.

 

So if you want to be wined and dined, stick to dating other singles. If, on the other hand, you like casual recreational sex with others, don't expect to have the other pay your way, or even offer to. Because you need to understand that they believe you are doing it for the same reason they are. Therefore, it would never occur to your average couple that they should offer pay your way. And it would seriously insult them if they new that you expected them to make the offer.

 

In fact, once you gain more swinging experience, you will probably find that it would be insulting to you if someone did offer to pay your way. The reason for that is that it implies that they are trying to buy your services, or make you obligated to them. And whether they admit it, or even realize what they are doing was trying to make you feel obliged to service them, or not, at some point, that is exactly what they would be doing.

 

It is one thing to buy somebody a drink or cover the dinner check without any expectation or obligation. But once you start having someone pay for your hotel room, travel expenses, or any other large ticket item, you are going to be, or at least feel, obligated to them. To often in swinging, once you get to the play room, you will find yourself in a play situation that isn't working for you. At that point, the last thing you want is to feel obligated in such a way that you can't just politely leave.

[HisnHersnYours 15]

after speaking with her again about the extra room i get the feeling she is a bit disappointed. she mentioned a couple times its no problem to drive home that its not that much of a hassle. i dont know if its because she wanted to stay with us or because she's worried about us spending the money on her. even so she does still want to get together and is being very understanding about my reasons. i mentioned if we have drinks it would be best if she didnt drive and that we'd love to get her a room if she'd like. so shes going to think about it and thats where we are at.

 

snow white, i do understand where you are coming from. im imagining a single female could be thinking a number of different things. its possible it doesnt even occur to her to pay (people are different and it doesnt mean shes a bad person), its possible friends are telling her its right for us to pay (these friends could be vanilla as well and are thinking in dating terms), she could be new to this lifestyle and only have experiences where dates have paid and not know any different. A lot of people when they are the ones doing the inviting (like on a date) they do the paying. like in this case. and of course we didnt think anything of it because we already expected it of ourselves. i dont know my head is spinning on this one, but im glad you spoke your mind. its important to get all perspectives. so you thoughts are welcome on this thread *hugs*

[good times 991]

My guess is that even though she has met you, she doesn't want to feel obligated by having you pay for the room. My opinion is that this is a good sign, we would do the same with any other couple we were planning on meeting. An early lesson you learn in the lifestyle is not to put yourself in a position that makes you feel obligated to play. By the same token, another thing soon learned is if you offer to pay it will make some folks uncomfortable, and it isn't unusual for just the offer made to be a deal breaker.

 

I would try to work it out and communicate more with her, were I in your position, as it sounds like she is a good one.

[HisnHersnYours 15]

the funny thing about that is i was the one who opened that can of worms and told her that full on sex may not neccessarily happen that i wanted to take it slow. so my thinking is i dont want to waste her time and her money on something that may not happen. i would feel horrible if she got a room, wanted sex and things didnt go that far, which is why i offered. but she was of the same mind as me in saying we will take the evening as it comes. so as far as expectations, there are none. boy this is more complicated than i thought. LOL.

[Dynamar 246]

You, as a couple, need just-the-two-of-you time to reconnect after playing with anybody, single or other couple or whatever. The single female needs the same thing... well, in my case, it's watching a little Sportscenter and rolling over and going to sleep, alone, to snore like a freight train in blissful privacy.

 

Since your room is comped, why not offer to split a second room for her? She's making the effort to come a ways, I'm assuming, to meet you and that shows a lot about her comfort level and desire to meet up with you. Everybody wins.

 

And for the record, I don't expect anybody to pay my way. If a couple offered to split a room for me, I'd be very flattered and appreciative and depending on the situation, may not even take them up on it.

 

Bottom line, everybody needs time in their separate quarters after playtime.

[HisnHersnYours 15]

You, as a couple, need just-the-two-of-you time to reconnect after playing with anybody, single or other couple or whatever. The single female needs the same thing... well, in my case, it's watching a little Sportscenter and rolling over and going to sleep, alone, to snore like a freight train in blissful privacy.

 

Since your room is comped, why not offer to split a second room for her? She's making the effort to come a ways, I'm assuming, to meet you and that shows a lot about her comfort level and desire to meet up with you. Everybody wins.

 

And for the record, I don't expect anybody to pay my way. If a couple offered to split a room for me, I'd be very flattered and appreciative and depending on the situation, may not even take them up on it.

 

Bottom line, everybody needs time in their separate quarters after playtime.

 

Im in total agreement with you on that one. well everything is cleared up. we talked and shes still very excited, not offended i offered a room but she did decline and offered to drive home. that is her perogative. i dont drink much anyway so it wont be a big deal to go easy for her sake. sounds like she is looking forward to it just as much as us, should be a fun evening!

[sexcupid 809]

I think perhaps you need to clarify with her what exactly she had in mind. If her previous experiences have been all three people falling asleep in the same bed...then perhaps she just assumed that's how things would go with y'all?

 

I mean, I've only had one threesome experience where I was the single female....it was with friends and perhaps because of that, it played out a little differently than most...we all fell asleep in the same bed...had another round...went out to dinner (which they paid for)...and it was quite a nice experience.

 

If you aren't comfortable with a pile up in the same room at the end of the night...that's cool. But maybe she just doesn't want to feel like 'that was fun, you need to leave now! kthxbye!' lol

[jdavisauto 73]

If we ever going to meet anyone at a location that we all have to drive far to reach then the details will have to be worked out ahead of time, where she will sleep, meals and even the morning meals if she sleeps with us. We even talk about travel arrangements and even the expenses. For the most part if we invite someone we usually pay for all. But also being a retired Army Ranger I / we are ready for anything to happen if she or us change our minds or if problems arises. Good communications between everyone will head off most problems before they even happen.

[SnowwwWhite 39]

Maybe this whole tangent needs a clarification.

 

Let's say a single girl seeks out and initiates contact with a couple who lives far away. It would be ridiculous for her to expect the couple to pay for anything. HOWEVER, alluding to my previous posts... yes, if it was me personally I would notice if they didn't offer. Not that I would expect it, but I would notice. But then again, who wouldn't notice?

 

On the other hand, a single girl could easily play locally without much effort, so if a couple from let's say over an hour away initiates contact, I cannot imagine that they would not offer to pay for at least part of the travel or overnight expenses, knowing that the single girl probably has plenty of local options and doesn't need to travel to play. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe that's not how things work in the swinging world, but if they are seeking the single girl out and she's far away, it would seem odd that they wouldn't offer to pay. After all, a single girl doesn't have to search too far to play and would probably never have to leave her own backyard and still be able to find plenty of quality playmates.

 

Ultimately, I do think there probably is an expectation... that the person who initiates contact will be a good host, particularly if they are initiating contact with someone far away.

 

I'm not sure how this devolved into a debate. It was originally just an opinion about what a single female may be expecting when a couple wants to play with her. I feel like some responses were laced with hostility against anyone who would dare to swing and (gasp!) notice if a potential play partner isn't generous.

 

I think I clarified that I was intending my opinion to be more about a single girl who is approached by a couple that lives far away. Not about a single girl who is seeking out partners and initiating long distance situations herself. Maybe I didn't clarify it at first because I thought the whole topic was about a couple seeking out the long-distance female. My response was coming from that perspective. If the question had been from a single female about how she should handle arrangements with a couple she invites to play, my response would have been totally different.

 

Fortunately for me I honestly have no desire to swing that way... ie. to go out and seek casual sex as a single girl with ANYBODY. My interest in swinging is purely for the excitement it adds to a relationship with a husband or boyfriend, and our ability to share in each other's fantasies and maintain open communication. Which as I understand it, is a perfectly legitimate reason for swinging.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

after speaking with her again about the extra room i get the feeling she is a bit disappointed. she mentioned a couple times its no problem to drive home that its not that much of a hassle. i dont know if its because she wanted to stay with us or because she's worried about us spending the money on her. even so she does still want to get together and is being very understanding about my reasons. i mentioned if we have drinks it would be best if she didnt drive and that we'd love to get her a room if she'd like. so shes going to think about it and thats where we are at.

 

I have to wonder if perhaps she's not a bit concerned at the idea of you you guys paying for the room for her. That combined with your statement that you don't know if you are sure you are ready for play may be giving her some mixed messages.

 

Were I in her situation that is probably what would be going through my mind. On one hand they are offering to pay for my room and I don't want them doing that for fear that they are expecting something, but on the other hand they are saying they aren't expecting anything and that nothing at all may happen. I'd probably do the same as she has done and decline the room altogether with the intent to either drive home or get my own room (when needed) should things take a turn towards my wanting to stay the night.

 

That's just what I would have done/felt as a single swinging female meeting with a couple (or even a single) in a similar situation.

[HisnHersnYours 15]

I have to wonder if perhaps she's not a bit concerned at the idea of you you guys paying for the room for her. That combined with your statement that you don't know if you are sure you are ready for play may be giving her some mixed messages.

 

Were I in her situation that is probably what would be going through my mind. On one hand they are offering to pay for my room and I don't want them doing that for fear that they are expecting something, but on the other hand they are saying they aren't expecting anything and that nothing at all may happen. I'd probably do the same as she has done and decline the room altogether with the intent to either drive home or get my own room (when needed) should things take a turn towards my wanting to stay the night.

 

That's just what I would have done/felt as a single swinging female meeting with a couple (or even a single) in a similar situation.

 

you are probably right. i make no secret when i first meet a female that we as a couple take it slow, its in my profile. she was okay with that from the start. we met only once, which is probably why it surprised me that she alluded to staying the night (we had not offered that, we simply said we'll be in reno, lets have some drinks) im not disalusioned as far as i realize most people are ready to play with ppl they dont know. where one person can play on the spot of a meeting, i maybe need to meet them twice before. unless ive gotten to know you pretty well on the phone or email (like in this case-once all this came up we've spent a LOT of time talking-and now im pretty ready to go) on a side note, i spoke with hubby and he personally doesnt care if she sleeps over. i let him read the advice given here and he sees its all good advice but at the same time he's open that if things go well, he has no problem with her staying the night with us. (that is actually what happened on my one on one with previous girl but i did know her pretty well prior) this is so new to me, the threesome thing...i have to take into account our feelings as a couple (yes it would be nice to have alone time to process and have our own fun), and her feelings as a single female (the last thing i want is for her to feel used, EVEN though we all realize this is a no strings scenerio, i get where OP is coming from). im learning as i go along and theres been so much great advice. i suppose where i am now with it is we will see what happens. if things are going well and we all connect, if there comes a point where i get protective of her (and i tend to do that), we may just invite her to stay the night after all. i wont say anything about it now, i'll look like a scatter brain. we will see what happens and i'll let you know how it turns out (if she stays or not). Just to explain further, she has stated since talking it all through she is more excited than nervous now, as are we.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

HisnHersnYours,

It sounds like everything will work out just fine. As long as everyone keeps communicating and is on the same page, with no surprises, I'm sure you'll have a smashing good time .

 

 

SnowwwWhite,

I can't really disagree with anything in your last post--it sounds like I, and probably a lot of people on the board, agree with most of the principles you put forth. The only difference may be in the application. Take your last post and switch the words "couple" and "single" (e.g. "On the other hand, a couple could easily play locally without much effort, so if a single girl from let's say over an hour away initiates contact, I cannot imagine that she would not offer to pay for at least part of the travel or overnight expenses", etc.)--do the principles apply equally when read that way? If not, that's where you're getting the sense of hostility (though I doubt that's an accurate word). A one-sided application of such principles is regarded as sexist, and sexism will generally draw the ire of sexually open-minded people like the ones you'll find on the board.

[HisnHersnYours 15]

Everything went great. She did not stay the night but hubby and I were in agreement that we would have liked her to. I think in the future, it wont be such an issue for us. Where some couples may want the rest of the evening to process we will enjoy the time spent with our "playmates" and figure we can process when we get home. lol.

[Dynamar 246]

She did not stay the night but hubby and I were in agreement that we would have liked her to.

That's all well and good, but perhaps she still would not have wanted to. I know I wouldn't. It's not a personal thing against people I play with... I'm just a better alone sleeper.

 

Glad you had a good time, though.

[interested-05 135]

This is only a suggestion, rent a suite that has two bedrooms. its usually cheaper than renting adjoining rooms. Gives you the privacy you want and her a place to sleep. She isnt being paid and you have to rent a room for yourselves anyway. So you pay for a larger room, than you would for just the two of you.

[des1re06 200]

In this scenario, where the lady is driving a long distance to meet the couple, it just seems courteous to offer her a room, and that's what we would do.

 

Mrs. D