Friends with Benefits - easier for her than him

[trojan11 15]

recently my wife and i decided to have an open marriage. not sleep around. just find a "friend with benefits". as u all may know, it is much easier for a woman to find this arrangement than a man. she has her " buddy", i on the other hand am still looking. when i find a potential playmate and tell them my situation, they assume that i am lying and just trying to hook up with a fabricated story. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[rpu3 630]

How are you meeting people?

 

I've been in an open marriage for a bit now. My spouse and I both have profiles on a website and both of us are explicit in the opening paragraph that we are married. I'm not really looking, but it's up so that women can see my profile to as a start in confirming that yes, I know. I also offer to meet a few of his possible friends - the ones that it looks like it might actually go somewhere other than just correspondence or coffee. He has just as much interest outside of that website profile, too, though. Again, anyone he meets can ask to me, or write or call me.

 

While it has been harder for him to meet serious interests, at the same time, he's had a lot of interest, and has as many people write him as who write me off the one site. It's actually surprised me.

 

So, how are you trying to meet people?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

recently my wife and i decided to have an open marriage. not sleep around. just find a "friend with benefits". as u all may know, it is much easier for a woman to find this arrangement than a man. she has her " buddy", i on the other hand am still looking. when i find a potential playmate and tell them my situation, they assume that i am lying and just trying to hook up with a fabricated story. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Maybe ya'll need to work together on the open marriage. She helps you and you help her find playmates/friends. It's going to take time and patience.

 

Without more details of your situation, it may be hard to give specific advice.

[jjtrindc 142]

Honestly, we would be suspect to. Perhaps you need to have your first meeting with your wife present?

[JustMrJ 178]

It goes without saying that if you both help each other find playmates you will be better off in the long run. You may find additional benefits to it as well... such as new things to share with each other, either by relating by story or literally sharing the play time together with others.

 

Above all, if you are married and swinging, have your wife be there to confirm your situation. If she is not there, the presumption WILL be made that you are out cheating on her.

 

Good luck... and have fun!

[NumbskullsX2 24]

recently my wife and i decided to have an open marriage. not sleep around. just find a "friend with benefits". as u all may know, it is much easier for a woman to find this arrangement than a man. she has her " buddy", i on the other hand am still looking. when i find a potential playmate and tell them my situation, they assume that i am lying and just trying to hook up with a fabricated story. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

That's how it's going to be forever. Women will ALWAYS have an easier time giving away sex than men will. Always, always, always!

 

Is there enough money in your household budget to pay for an apartment or another car payment? Being able to help with a woman's living expenses will go a long way towards leveling the playing field when it comes to finding YOU a "playmate"

 

IMHO, because of the different roles men and women have in society, "open marriages" don't offer the same opportunities to men as they do to women unless the men are permitted to play with an "open checkbook" as well.

[VANudistcpl 109]

There is some really good advice here. We agree that your wife should help you look and should go to the first meeting. If she's there it will help convincing your "buddy" that you are legit. We recently told a guy in somewhat the same situtation your in that we don't play with cheaters. That is how married males appear to most couples when their spouse is not with him. You can blame the cheating males that are not honest with their spouses for this one.

[maniaco333 29]

What has worked for me is an introduction to my wife so they can see that she is cool with it and if I stop to "visit" a friend on my way home from work I usually make it a point to call my wife when I get there so my friend can see that I got nothing to hide. Honesty is always the best policy.

[trojan11 15]

theres been great advice so far. thanks. but i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. its just hard. i want it to b discreet. i'm kinda well known throughout the community.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

theres been great advice so far. thanks. but i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. its just hard. i want it to b discreet. i'm kinda well known throughout the community.

 

Then you will need to make adjustments based on this new information given to us. Now you have 4 people that need to be discreet. You, your wife, her playmate and your playmate. Small towns are notorious for gossip. Sounds like distance and a little ambiguity may be required for your sitatuation to work.

[slevin 1,374]

theres been great advice so far. thanks. but i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. its just hard. i want it to b discreet. i'm kinda well known throughout the community.

 

I'd be more worried about people finding out my wife is fucking another guy than I would be rumors getting around about me fucking other women. Not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed, but because most people don't understand an open marriage and will just assume she is cheating on me. Explaining to them that we have an open relationship isnt something I would want to get into either lol

 

If you're that concerned about it then have you considered looking for playmates in other towns/cities? If there are other more populous towns nearby looking there may be a better option. This is one reason we love living in a big city

[Alura 2,775]

from Oklahoma, Trojan. We're glad you've found us!

 

I'm just a hick Okie, Trojan, and I don't claim a lot of knowledge of open marriages nor the reasons for having one, but it seems to me that discrete open marriages and small towns are a poor combination, especially if you're the mayor, district attorney or chief of police.

 

My suggestion, provided y'all are seeking sexual variety not emotional attachments, is that both you and your wife table the open marriage idea and try swinging on for size. Either find a couple to play with who live outside your village or go to a club in a nearby large city.

 

In your current situation y'all are playing with wild fire that can and will consume not only your marriage but your livelihood.

 

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to ask, why have you chosen to go this route (open marriage) instead of playing together with others?

 

And yes, most people (especially couples if that's what you are looking at ) are going to assume you are lying and cheating... if your wife is willing to talk to the women you are interested in and confirm that she is in fact ok with you seeing others, that might help with some of the issue.

[cocpl2007 170]

Honestly, we would be suspect to. Perhaps you need to have your first meeting with your wife present?

 

Ditto!

[it'sso 198]

It works both ways. I have been approached by a woman who I was pretty sure was cheating on her husband. I just brushed it off by telling the gal that she was too young for me.

[pants_1 27]

Well, honestly, it really is much easier for her. My wife is on ONE of the "hunting" sites, a very bad one with 95% 'bot profiles. She was on for two days and met exactly who she was looking for. They've got a play date for later this month.

 

I'm on seven (yup, 7) of those sites, and I'm lucky to get a response on anything. I've been called a cheater and a liar, and I get the distinct impression that many of the couples on those sites wish I weren't there.

 

So what do I do? I wait. I read ladies' (and sometimes couples') profiles thoroughly, I approach them respectfully, I chat so they can get an idea of my personality, I post on forums for the same reason (and because it's fun). For me, this is about meeting people and having fun, not keeping score. I figure if I can't find people by just being me, I'm not going to want the people I find by being someone else.

 

Life isn't fair. I am sure I'd have better luck swinging with the wife, but that's not something we really plan to do. This is not an easy road. Sometimes I feel a little unwanted, and sometimes I feel just a little jealous. And then I realize my bloodsugar is down, and I go have a snack. Or screw my wife.

 

So good luck, my married-swinging-single brother-in-arms! And whatever you do, don't begrudge your wife her fun! Mine is in the other room, giddily writing her new buddy like a teenager. You should see the smile she's had plastered on her face for days. If I never have any luck, I think it'll be worth it for that.

 

Jon

[slevin 1,374]

I'm on seven (yup, 7) of those sites, and I'm lucky to get a response on anything. I've been called a cheater and a liar, and I get the distinct impression that many of the couples on those sites wish I weren't there.

 

Knowing the rest of your situation this advice might not be useful for a little while. You will likely find more success going out to normal places and meeting single women like you would have when you were a single guy. I'm not saying to lie to them and tell them you're single, but meeting people in person that way is a much easier way to go. The people on the swingers sites are always going to be suspicious of you. In person you can deal with the situation much easier.

 

A thought for when the time is right, if it ever comes to that for you two.