How to overcome her fears

[summers30s 15]

Hello everyone,

 

We are very happily married couple, she's 34 / 127lb 5'2" and beautiful, he's 43 /200lb 6'0" handsome. We live in the Hudson Valley in New York, two hours north of the city.

 

We have been talking about swinging for quite some time (like few years). He really wants to see her in action but she's very shy. To this point she only wants oral sex and was able to get it few times with a coworker, and once with hubby's doctor. She's cute enough that the doctor was eyeing her and caught her attention and hubby gave her the ok to proceed, and after few phone chats with the Doc she went to his office and had oral sex with him. Came back home and told hubby about everything that happened and of course we had the best sex ever afterword. At last she agreed now to perform front of hubby but only orally.

 

She's very very shy to go to a swinging club specially because of her accent. She thinks that will be a problem communicating with other people, but he thinks otherwise. The other thing she's not confident enough about is because of her large breasts. She has a 36d on a 127 lb body which he thinks is beautiful. Hubby needs some encouragement from other members here, hopefully she would overcome her fears and go to a swingers club even though the only thing she feels comfortable with so far is oral.

 

Any suggestions or comments are very much appreciated.

[realcplub2 513]

Hi there..

 

Welcome to the board, from former Hudson Valley residents!

 

Please make yourselves at home, and ask whatever questions you might have.. the members here are freindly and offer advice from many years of experience.. Feel free to offer advice yourselves and comment as you see fit..

 

Once again WELCOME

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Welcome to the Swingers Board:)

 

Sex with a co worker ? and then with your doctor in his office ?

 

What fears is your wife or you looking to overcome ?

[Guest screaminggood]

You're correct that her fears are unfounded (she'll be welcomed warmly), but they are her concerns so you need to respect them and let her work through them in her own time and way. A suggestion: some "semi-vanilla" field trips. Would she be comfortable going to a club to watch only and just get the feel of the atmosphere? Just be certain you both follow the rule of watch only while you're there....Afterward, she can decide if she wants to go back. Remember, you need to go as slow as she needs.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

It is not uncommon for women entering the lifestyle to feel self conscious about their body. It's a recurrent thread here. Bottom line, she's got nothing to worry about. There's plenty of potential play partners who will find her very attractive.

 

I get the feeling that she's concerned about the lifestyle because she only wants to do oral sex. That's perfectly fine. Really. It's called soft-swapping, and there's plenty of couples that engage only in soft swapping.

 

And an accent? Even if she didn't speak English I don't see it as a problem, so long as she trusts you and you translated everything for her The accent isn't a problem.

 

I'd say go to a club. You don't have to do anything. There's no requirement you do anything at all once you get in the door. Nobody's going to demand she take her clothes off, fool around with someone other than you, etc. Just like nobody forces you to take a drink if you walk into a bar, nobody's going to force her to play if she walks into a swinger's club. It's fun. Go. Relax. Enjoy.

 

I have to agree with fun4ds. Fooling around with a co-worker can be a recipe for disaster. The doctor's office? So long as there's a lock on the door and no internal windows

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

...hubby needs some encouragment from other members here hopefully she would overcome her fears and go to a swingers club...

I get the feeling that what you are looking for is added pressure from Board members to get your wife to do things she's not comfortable with. I doubt she was truly ready to give that Doc a BJ.

 

Your SLS profile has been up since 2005 and you mention her two experiences back then. If things haven't progressed since then I think there is good reason, she's not comfortable with what you ask of her...and this whole idea of swinging was yours, afterall, as you state in your profile.

 

And what's with the SINGLE FEMALE profile? That's not truthful. I think you're wanting a hotwife and your interest in swinging is very self-centered. I can't help but think that your wife's shyness is more a reflection of her inability to tell you how she really feels and to say no to you.

 

I cannot give you suggestions to talk your wife into doing what she's done in the past because I don't feel that it would be right.

 

LM

[jjtrindc 142]

We too see a lot of "red flags" in your note which LikeMinds articulates quite well. If we can assume that your wife is truly interested in the lifestyle we'll reiterate a couple of points made above...

 

First off, we are an "oral sex" only couple. That's called soft-swapping and is a respected form of participation. Many couples who are VERY active in the lifestyle only soft-swap. If that is where your wife's comfort level is, then don't pressure her beyond that.

 

There are two basic turnoffs in this lifestyle - those who pressure their partners and those who misrepresent themselves. Most experienced couples have a pretty good vibe for this kind of drama and avoid it like the plague...which could be a reason why you haven't been as active as you like.

 

As for her shyness, that's common. Try to find an off-premise style event where there is no pressure to have sex on the premises and just go and dance and have fun as a couple. Get a feeling for the sexy crowd, etc. Don't worry about meeting other people. If you only have on-premise clubs, then try that as an alternative, but have a ground rule established that you are only going to dance and enjoy each other. Remember, if done right, the lifestyle should be like a marathon...not a sprint. The more you participate the more comfortable she'll get.

 

Lastly, in terms of having an accent and large breasts...heck, that's a turn on (at least for me). That's the other great thing about this crowd. We all love different things. You'll find people who like you for what you are, how you look, how you speak, etc.

 

In the meantime, do some serious thinking on whether your wife really wants to be in the lifestyle and really talk about not only what your desires are, but what makes her nervous.

[DBL D 120]

Hi summers30s,

 

I know where you are coming from. You have a nice looking sexy wife that, in private, may have expressed certain fantasies of hers. It's very difficult to translate those things to a real life encounter. She says she did the things you mentioned; but you don't really know because you weren't there. She may have been trying to please you by saying that she did go ahead with them. Have you had any confirmation from her partners that she did them and what her demeaner was?

 

When we started down this bouncy road, I was the one who "pushed" her to realign her boundaries of what was ok. The problem for us was that she came to feel that I was not staying connected with her and putting too much pressure on her. WE HAD TO STOP...and as of this writing don't know when we'll try again to play with others.

 

I think you should back off and find out how YOU really feel about the lifestyle. What are your goals? Your lady should never feel that you are too into it, at least until she finds what the fun is really all about. I felt that expressing enthusiasm was a good thing and would show her what it was all about. It didn't work out that way and it has been a tough thing for me to face that I changed our relationship forever and will probably never play again. The memories are nice. I had hoped we could continue, but my attitude and the pressure I placed on the whole deal has pretty much ruined it for us.

 

If you don't want that to happen, I would back off and let her decide when you can do something in the future.

 

Your wanting to see her in "action" seems onesided. Don't you have a desire for other ladies? This just sounds too familiar for me to have a positive outcome, but I hope for the best for you two.

 

Remember to place each other first, even though you will be with different people.

 

Male D

[summers30s 15]

To Fun4d's..............LOL fears for going to a swinger club !! Her accent ?? she thinks its not a comfortable situation for her.

[summers30s 15]

bbarnsworth and Fun4ds ...........LOl, co worker is no longer there, and she went to doctors office at night cause he was on call (lol) so no one was there !!

 

thanks for both of you on your encouragment.

and to Fun4ds..... fears from her accent to go to a swingers club

if shes comfortable she has no problem at all .... and its funny that the Doctor just text messaged her tonight to (schedual an appointment...lol) for her to go while hes alone in his office ...and shes excited !!

[summers30s 15]

TO.........jjtrindc and LikeMinds321

Thanks for you comments I really appreciate it , but under no circumistances I ever pressured her of doing anything she didn't want to, yes it was my idea but you have no idea how excited she was of doing it and still is, she really wanted it and drove on her own to meet them and I can tell of how happy she was when she came back. so me pressuring her is out of the question. After all shes the love of my life,the only flower in my garden , the candle that i see the light thru, she was and is always there for me as I am for her..... so how can i hurt my other beatiful half ??

[summers30s 15]

TO DBL D

Thank you very much male D , your'e absolutly right, but there was no pressure from me what so ever and yes i have confirmation from the other guys that she really did it.one on her phone as a text and the other one (doctor) thru IM's on yahoo while i was sitting beside her , he was compliminting her on how great she was and how it was the best BJ he ever had ...lol. we talk about it often and I would never pressure her of doing anything she dont want to do, and yes i desire other women but i wont do it till she tells me to, thats our agreement, till she becomes more comfortable ... I have to wait, I dont mind as long shes having fun. thanks again and much appreciation for all of you.

[realcplub2 513]

Tell you what, give her the password for your account on the board here, and let her spend sometime browsing/reading..

 

then, talk between yourselves and see where the conversation goes.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Tell you what, give her the password for your account on the board here, and let her spend sometime browsing/reading..

 

then, talk between yourselves and see where the conversation goes.

 

Good advice period. I can peruse the archives here and discuss what I found with my wife. It generates lots of good discussion. But, what I can't do is peruse the archives through her eyes. Sometimes there's things that perk her interest that my eyes slip right past. Far better to have her directly involved.

 

The only password my wife doesn't have is a work account.

[arvcpl 16]

Is she actually "afraid" or just doesn't want to do it and that is the reason she is coming up with? Wanting to go to a club but having body image issues is one thing, but not wanting to go to a club and scrambling to come up with excuses is something all together different.

 

What is it exactly you are wanting to do? She has been blowing completely inappropriate people for your benifit and yet you want her to do more. What is it that swinging means to you?

 

The fact that you have a single fem profile indicates to me that you are not really a couple interested in swinging as a couple but rather that you are a guy who just get turns on pimping out his wife for your own benifit. Your profile was obviously written by you and not her.

 

Despite all your assurances that you are not pressuring her I'm not buying it. If she wanted to do that stuff she would.

 

I think offering you advice on how to get your wife to swing would be nothing less than being an acessory to mistreating her more. If I were to give her advice it would be to grow a spine and either tell you where to go or to pack her stuff and move on.

[summers30s 15]

Is she actually "afraid" or just doesn't want to do it and that is the reason she is coming up with? Wanting to go to a club but having body image issues is one thing, but not wanting to go to a club and scrambling to come up with excuses is something all together different>>>>>

 

 

TO arvcpl .......... If u can read past posts , and after I explained our situation , it seems like you can NOT comprehend what you read.

Why would she scrambles to come up with excuses when she goes out on her own to meet the other (inappropriate people ) and blow them.......LOL

 

 

What is it exactly you are wanting to do? She has been blowing completely inappropriate people for your benifit and yet you want her to do more. What is it that swinging means to you?

 

Again you made the same mistake............ didn't you read that shes always here beside me when i write this? and didn't you read what i was saying about we both interested of swinging and that she did those (inappropriate people ) on her own and that she wanted to.......And it makes me happy to see her happy and satisfied !!.....if you really wanta make sure that she wants to do this and I'm not pressuring her why cant you ask for her phone number so u can talk to her yourself instead of judging people that you dont know nothing about !!! I thought everyone here is nice and great but I just see other wise, there has to be that one bad APPLE in the box. !!!

 

 

The fact that you have a single fem profile indicates to me that you are not really a couple interested in swinging as a couple but rather that you are a guy who just get turns on pimping out his wife for your own benifit. Your profile was obviously written by you and not her.

 

Again same mistake.........WOW !! you can read people mind .......Psychic !!

didn't you read that shes not ready to see me with other women YET ??

and that's why the single FEM profile !!! And the word PIMPING ........ I think its to big for you to use and inappropriate, and after 19 years with my wife I dont think I would be PIMPING her out!!! but if pimping is a popular word in your dictionary or swingers dictionary , then I'm sorry we dont need to swing any more !!

 

 

Despite all your assurances that you are not pressuring her I'm not buying it. If she wanted to do that stuff she would.

 

Exactly what I said You didnt read it right !!!! How many times I have to say that we want to do that and shes really into it ...... Believe me I wont ask you to BUY it !!! because you are so judgemental without the facts !!!.

 

 

 

I think offering you advice on how to get your wife to swing would be nothing less than being an acessory to mistreating her more. If I were to give her advice it would be to grow a spine and either tell you where to go or to pack her stuff and move on.

 

 

 

And if I need advice from a couple like you ..... We would be real scared of the idea !!!

and we would never go to a club and meet NICE swingers , we would wait to get to know a NICE couple or a guy around here , after all its the swingers world lost .... not ours !!

And for you to say PACK HER STUFF AND MOVE ON....or... TO TELL ME WHERE TO GO....... I think its very rude !!

hopefully we would never run into a couple like you........... its a disaster.

 

I'm very sorry for my angry words here , but I (think) you wrote that post while you were angry too, drunk or not getting the things you wanted that night !!!

very sorry again , dont take it personally but i hope you are a nicer person than I think and hope also for you to read posts carefully and not to judge without knowing the facts.

I just wished We would of answer any of your questions or concerns before being so judgemental . Again I really dont mean anything bad and if you still want to talk to her or ask us a question then you are soooo welcome .

 

PS ........... By the way shes here beside me now and read the whole post and is more concerned about swinging than before......Thanks to your post !!!

 

benifit = benefit !

[jdavisauto 73]

Sounds like you two are off the a good start in over coming her fears already.

[summers30s 15]

Tell you what, give her the password for your account on the board here, and let her spend sometime browsing/reading..

 

then, talk between yourselves and see where the conversation goes.

 

Thank you realcplub2 for your comments,

she really doesn't need any password she can click and read any time.

plus shes always here when I post or read or chat on line .

 

lol.........she can also go to my business bank account on line and transfer funds to her personal account.

[summers30s 15]

Sounds like you two are off the a good start in over coming her fears already

 

 

thank you jdavisauto for your encouragement

 

ps. we love your quote !!

 

Stop laughing or I WILL put my clothes back on.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

By the way shes here beside me now and read the whole post and is more concerned about swinging than before......Thanks to your post !!!

 

I hope this is not taken the wrong way. And again welcome you to the Swingers Board. We all have our right to an oppinion. I will have to say though, If your really interested in this lifestyle it best to understand there will many you dissagree with at any swinging event. We all have the right to move on, for not being compatible.

 

You could always at anytime report harassment or block a user. Some take things to a P.M. level to explain, or settle it as well.

 

Back to the Topic I would like to say if its a language barrier your facing. I wouldnt worry so much about that. I find many accents erotic.

 

You would be surprised

[realcplub2 513]

Thank you realcplub2 for your comments,

she really doesn't need any password she can click and read any time.

plus shes always here when I post or read or chat on line .

 

lol.........she can also go to my business bank account on line and transfer funds to her personal account.

 

Reading posts together is great, and something we all would suggest, However, point her to the site when you arent around, and letting her have time to process things without you there, is what I was getting at.

 

Lets face it there are threads that pop on the boards that, the topic can be intimidating, or gross, or whatever.. and at the same time, can thrill the other person..

 

Expressing the desires to one another is often the most daunting task for a couple to face, you are on that road, but again there are times whent he personal preferences of one, might intimidate the other..

 

Just as she might look at you differently if you were to ask her for something she has expressed a negative about, the same applies to you, and her desires..

[two4youinswva 3,068]

 

 

TO arvcpl .......... If u can read past posts , and after I explained our situation , it seems like you can NOT comprehend what you read.

.................................................

Again you made the same mistake............ didn't you read that shes always here beside me when i write this?..................................................

 

 

 

Again same mistake.........WOW !! you can read people mind .......

 

........................

Exactly what I said You didnt read it right !!!!

 

I would politely suggest that if this many people are having trouble with reading comprehension, then it isn't the readers' problem, it is the writer's issue.

 

benifit = benefit !

 

There is a forum law that says whenever a person corrects another poster's grammar or spelling, they will inevitably make an error as well. So.....

 

1. "Judgmental" is the primary accepted spelling. Most spell-checkers will throw out "Judgemental".

2. Words with contractions have an apostrophe. "Didn't", "It's" (but only when used as a contraction of "It is"), "She's", etc etc etc.

 

Bottom line: Being snarky about grammar and spelling when you're actually just pissed off by the responses doesn't make you look any better.

 

 

As to the subject at hand: I'll agree. Your wife should consider lurking around here, and posting if she is so inclined, by herself for a little bit.

 

Good luck to both of you.

[summers30s 15]

There is a forum law that says whenever a person corrects another poster's grammar or spelling, they will inevitably make an error as well. So.....

 

 

You are absolutely right .......... We didn't mean to get other members mad at us, but we couldn't believe what we read out of that couple post !!! it was unbelievable to read those accusation and comments he/she was making, and what upset us the most is he/she don't know us as to the fact I just started posting here and trying to get to know everyone on this board and get their advise .....not ACCUSATIONS !!!

again sorry and thanks for your comments

[summers30s 15]

Reading posts together is great, and something we all would suggest, However, point her to the site when you aren't around, and letting her have time to process things without you there, is what I was getting at.

 

Thanks for your comments............. she always goes on by herself to read posts, her favorite is swingers stories forum. thanks again, you all been so helpful

[summers30s 15]

I hope this is not taken the wrong way. And again welcome you to the Swingers Board. We all have our right to an oppinion. I will have to say though, If your really interested in this lifestyle it best to understand there will many you dissagree with at any swinging event. We all have the right to move on, for not being compatible.

 

We hope not too.......... again we sorry about that it was just an unbelievable post from the other couple. We don't mind disagreements but we hate accusations !! after all we here to learn something and get advised from experienced couples and not to get into arguments and defend accusations. thanks for your comments , you been so helpful

[slevin 1,374]

It's too bad that some posts on here made you upset, regardless of their content. This is a forum of, generally, very helpful and positive people. The responses are generally very frank and sometimes a bit too honest; I think that is a good thing and I love seeing people who aren't afraid to offer up an unpopular opinion on any subject. Generally those are the ones that make me think the most. Even when I feel something on a site like this is a personal attack I try not to let it get my feelings riled up. Look past the words for the message they were trying to convey, perhaps even look into their motivation for posting it and let that sink in too. Rather than letting it anger you put the emotions aside and assess the content. If it's really just someone being angry and trying to hurt you then you can discount it altogether and move on. If, as in this case, it is someone offering an opinion in a frank way then take the root message and consider it. That's what I try to do, although sometimes unsuccessfully lol.

 

I don't think anyone here in this thread has been intentionally hurtful, just overly frank in their opinions. With the number of people getting the impression that you are being forceful and trying to urge your wife into things she isn't comfortable with and doesn't want to do I would take a step back and consider that perhaps it is the way you are communicating your situation that is causing everyone to get that impression. I can say it is the impression that I had as well. In fact, even with your protestations to the contrary I am still not convinced.

 

In either case, if your wife is actually reading through the forums (all of them) then I am surprised that one comment in here has made her more scared of swinging. With the vast amount of amazing information, advice and experiences in all the threads here I'd expect her to start feeling more comfortable with the idea and perhaps even inclined to post some questions of her own to clear up whatever her fears are. There is so much amazing information here from some great couples, women and men that it would be too bad for her to not use it all.

 

Good luck to the both of you

[arvcpl 16]

Ok, I'll try and not be an a-hole or make this into a personal dig. I'll spell this out in a more civilized and polically correct manner.

 

There are several things that concern me about this whole thread and make me beleive that this is not an entirely sincere or consensual pursuit on the part of the OP.

 

#1. I believe the single fem SLS profile was created by a male and not Mrs summer30s herself. I believe it was written by the male half for his own benefit and when that occurs it is very often a couple who's male half is pimping out the female half where he picks guys to fuck her cause he gets off on it and the female half often does not have much say in the matter.

 

#2. I don't believe that "shyness", large breasts or accents have anything to do with Mrs summers30 not wanting to pursue swinging as a couple. People to do what they want to do regardless of their social comfort level, body image issues and public speaking ability. We all have issues and we all find a way to overcome them if there is something we sincerely want to do.

- People also tend to not do what they do not want to do and will look for whatever kind of excuse or rationale they can to not do it. I believe this what mrs summers is using as her excuse for not wanting to go to clubs.

 

#3. If mrs summers is blowing co-workers and doctors in their offices after hours, she is not shy. One of two things is occuring here. (a) either she is not shy in the slightest and has other reasons for not wanting to go to clubs and swinging as a couple. or (b) she was put up to blowing those people by mr summers and she doesn't want to go to clubs because she is afraid of what mr summers will put her up to in that target rich environment. Either way you slice it she has a reason for not wanting to pursue swinging and it doesn't have anything to do with shyness, boobs or accents.

 

#4. I agree with LikeMinds et al that suggest that what is taking place with this thread is that mr summers is fishing for additional arguements (if not actual manipulations) to use in trying to talk mrs summers into going to a club against her wishes. this is not a typical "how do I get my wife to swing?" post where a couple has had a traditional marriage and now the husband is looking for sincere and good faith advice on how to broach the topic of swinging with his wife. I believe there is a possibility that any advice given to the OP on how to get his wife into a club will possibly be contributing to her further mistreatment.

 

#5. I have read the posts and replies of the OP but question his credibility due to items #1 and #2 so my thoughts and opinions aren't really influenced by his assurances that she is a fully consenting party or that he is not pressuring her. I can assure you that I am a rich and handsome rock star with a 10 inch dick but that doesn't make it true. Much of what we have to go on here is based on reading between the lines and going with our own gut instinct and my gut instinct tells me there is something fishy here.

 

#6. If mrs summers is actually reading these posts then I encourage her to read through all my other posts and she will see that I am actually a staunch advocate of personal empowerment of all parties and that my feathers get really ruffled up if I feel that someone is being bullshitted or manipulated by someone else. She will also see that my writing style is often very blunt and raw and it is to make a point and not necessarily to hurt anyone's feelings.

 

- If my posts have "scared" her it is because there IS in fact something for her to fear here.

[arvcpl 16]

Oh one more thing, I agree with those that say we should hear from mrs summers30 so here is my honest and non-flaming suggestion.

 

If mrs summers30 is actually reading these posts then my suggestion is for her to set up a separate account under an anonymous name and tell us her story and pose her own questions when mr summers30 is not around and he does not even know her account name.

 

Then she could see what peoples unbiased opinions on their situation are when hearing it from her perspective. My guess is it will be two entirely different stories.