Friend's new boyfriend is a swinger. Do you tell her?

[TNT 1,155]

I'm in a bit of a mood today so thought I'd throw a question out there to you all.

 

Here's the scenario:

 

You have an acquaintance that has become somewhat of a friend, this friend introduces you to her new boyfriend (or vice versa, he introduces you to his new girlfriend). Your happy your friend has found someone she seems to really like and get along with however, you keep looking at the new boyfriend thinking "I know him from somewhere", but you just can't place him.

 

Sometime later, your cruising profiles and BINGO, you realize where the hell you know this man from. He's a swinger.

 

What do you do?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Does your friend know about your lifestyle?

[Alura 2,774]

Play with them?

 

Mr. Alura

[TNT 1,155]

Does your friend know about your lifestyle?

 

No, you don't think so as you've never mentioned it to your friend.

 

 

 

 

Teresa

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Sometime later, your cruising profiles and BINGO, you realize where the hell you know this man from. He's a swinger.

 

What do you do?

 

Nothing. It'd be none of my business. If he tells her, he tells her. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Whether he does or doesn't, it's not my business. What matters more is how well he treats her, including cheating on her, etc.

[TNT 1,155]

Play with them?

 

Mr. Alura

 

 

You're not sure your friend knows that her new boyfriend is a swinger and you're not sure she's a swinger or even that she knows what a swinger is.

 

 

 

Teresa

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'd leave it alone (at least for now) and see what happens.

 

The one concern I would have is that he ACTIVELY has a profile on a swinger site (for him as a single)... which would lead me to question his intentions. The problem is that you don't know if she knows, and you don't know what their agreements are.

 

You might try to find a way to bring up swinging in conversation (reference Swingtown) or something and see where they take it.

[TNT 1,155]

Nothing. It'd be none of my business. If he tells her, he tells her. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Whether he does or doesn't, it's not my business. What matters more is how well he treats her, including cheating on her, etc.

 

That would be my first thought as well. But, let's throw another twist into it.

 

Since you have recognized him from an ad site, you're wondering and almost certain that he has recognized you and you're spending a lot of time in a vanilla social environment with these two.

 

Does your curiosity get the better of you and you just HAVE to find out....Is he still active in swinging (which you think he is as he's still checking the ad site daily)? Has he told your friend that he's a swinger and if so and she's cool with it, has he shown her the ad site and she now knows your a swinger. Do you trust in the saying "Discretion is the key"? Do you just become nosy and want to know what the deal is between them?

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

I know I'm adding a lot of different twist to this scenario...but, I am curious to see how others think, once different twist are added into something that seems at first glance a black and white issue.

 

 

Teresa

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Does your curiosity get the better of you and you just HAVE to find out....Is he still active in swinging (which you think he is as he's still checking the ad site daily)? Has he told your friend that he's a swinger and if so and she's cool with it, has he shown her the ad site and she now knows your a swinger. Do you trust in the saying "Discretion is the key"? Do you just become nosy and want to know what the deal is between them?

 

I think I'd still leave it alone, if for no other reason than brand new couples tend not to be ready for swinging as a couple. Give them some months, a year, to find themselves.

 

I think the most I might do is approach my friend and ask her if she'd ever heard of swinging, watch she thought of it, etc. Make it clear I wasn't propositioning her, just curious.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Stay out of their business.

 

We recently had a friend get married. He was about to come clean with his soon to be wife about his swinging ways. Come to find out they both go to the same club. Just never met!!! Still got married.

[TNT 1,155]

I'd leave it alone (at least for now) and see what happens.

 

The one concern I would have is that he ACTIVELY has a profile on a swinger site (for him as a single)... which would lead me to question his intentions. The problem is that you don't know if she knows, and you don't know what their agreements are.

 

You might try to find a way to bring up swinging in conversation (reference Swingtown) or something and see where they take it.

 

Exactly...you don't know his intentions or their arrangement but, you're curious as hell to find answers to your questions...basically, just because your nosy.

 

Bringing up the conversation: Would you bring it up when they both are around or would you find a way to mention it only to him? Only to her?

 

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

Stay out of their business.

 

 

I do agree with this, totally. But, darn it, aren't any of you the curious types? Wouldn't you really want to know what the deal was for nothing else than to appease your curiosity? You wouldn't do anything with the information but wouldn't you want to know?

 

 

Teresa

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Teresa, curiousity killed the cat.

 

Maybe the other half is already a swinger? Now that would be more fun.

 

Of course we would talk about it either between Elaine and I or someone we know well enough to talk this kind of gossip.

 

Depending on the relationship I had with one of them, I would hate to see it end because of asking them a question like that. On the other hand, you may end up with a new couple?

[Alura 2,774]

Okay, this post will be a serious one.

 

I'd talk to him, just to find out what he has told her so that you will be prepared to keep any confidences that need be kept.

 

"Say, Zeus! Since we know each other from PervertedSwingers.com, I'm wondering if Hera is aware of your swinging life. I'd hate to accidentally let something slip that might embarrass you."

 

If you're honest and straightforward, you'll end up with the information you need to handle the situation in good taste.

 

Mr. Alura

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Okay, this post will be a serious one.

 

I'd talk to him, just to find out what he has told her so that you will be prepared to keep any confidences that need be kept.

 

"Say, Zeus! Since we know each other from PervertedSwingers.com, I'm wondering if Hera is aware of your swinging life. I'd hate to accidentally let something slip that might embarrass you."

 

If you're honest and straightforward, you'll end up with the information you need to handle the situation in good taste.

 

Mr. Alura

 

I know Zeus and Hera, they don't play well with others:hahaha:

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

But, darn it, aren't any of you the curious types? Wouldn't you really want to know what the deal was for nothing else than to appease your curiosity? You wouldn't do anything with the information but wouldn't you want to know?

 

Sure I'd like to know! Of course I'd be curious as all heck.

 

There's lots and lots of things in this world I'm curious about but will never find out the answers to.

[Alura 2,774]

I know Zeus and Hera, they don't play well with others:hahaha:

 

Thanks for the belly-laugh, Billy. It seemed to me they played well with almost everybody, especially Zeus. Hera, on the other hand could be a bit mean. That's even more reason for finding out the truth early, isn't it?

 

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Pretty much what Alura just said. There is more to this than curiousity there is that knowledge that your own actions may be in his hands/brain/whatever. And since you have not personally told your friend about your activities or discussed swinging with her... then you want to know if she now knows because someone else has told her.

 

I've had this happen to me before where one person knew some details about me that I didn't know they knew and they took it upon themselves to share said details about my lifestyle with another friend who was not yet privy to said details. It pissed me off and ended a potential friendship. So yes I'd want to know what the guy knows, especially if I have an idea that he knows and let him know that our mutual friend does not yet know (unless he told her). Otherwise he may make the assumption that since you are both on said site and he knows you swing and she knew you before he knew you that she already knows.

 

To me the curiousity is less about them and more about knowing what they know about YOU. It's not about whether or not he still swings or whether they swing together and lastly is it about the potential of swinging with them. It is about maintaining discretion.

 

So yes, I'd probably have the conversation that Alura described or I'd bring swinging up with both of them present in an inoccuous fashion just to see how they respond, it may open some new communication levels in your friendship and give you a way to share this part of yourselves with her (I'm not talking about swinging with them, just opening the friendship to a new level of honesty).

[TNT 1,155]

Okay, this post will be a serious one.

 

I'd talk to him, just to find out what he has told her so that you will be prepared to keep any confidences that need be kept.

 

"Say, Zeus! Since we know each other from PervertedSwingers.com, I'm wondering if Hera is aware of your swinging life. I'd hate to accidentally let something slip that might embarrass you."

 

If you're honest and straightforward, you'll end up with the information you need to handle the situation in good taste.

 

Mr. Alura

 

Pretty much what Alura just said. There is more to this than curiousity there is that knowledge that your own actions may be in his hands/brain/whatever. And since you have not personally told your friend about your activities or discussed swinging with her... then you want to know if she now knows because someone else has told her.

 

I've had this happen to me before where one person knew some details about me that I didn't know they knew and they took it upon themselves to share said details about my lifestyle with another friend who was not yet privy to said details. It pissed me off and ended a potential friendship. So yes I'd want to know what the guy knows, especially if I have an idea that he knows and let him know that our mutual friend does not yet know (unless he told her). Otherwise he may make the assumption that since you are both on said site and he knows you swing and she knew you before he knew you that she already knows.

 

To me the curiousity is less about them and more about knowing what they know about YOU. It's not about whether or not he still swings or whether they swing together and lastly is it about the potential of swinging with them. It is about maintaining discretion.

 

So yes, I'd probably have the conversation that Alura described or I'd bring swinging up with both of them present in an inoccuous fashion just to see how they respond, it may open some new communication levels in your friendship and give you a way to share this part of yourselves with her (I'm not talking about swinging with them, just opening the friendship to a new level of honesty).

 

You two are GOOD!

 

Personally, I see nothing wrong with approaching the one you know is a swinger and asking. Just because you have information, does not mean that you'll use it in anyway that would harm someone else and being up front usually saves harm to yourself as well.

 

So, now I'll tell you what we did when in this situation and the results

 

I emailed the one I knew was a swinger...letting him know that the only reason was because I was curious and we believed that discretion was key so I wasn't trying in any way to cause problems for him. Sure enough, he had recognized me at our first introduction (a couple of months ago) but knew the small town mentality and that discretion was paramount in swinging.

 

I have not yet asked him if my friend knows of his swinging activities or what his intentions are in that matter...it's really none of my business as they are both adults. Yes, I'm still curious and will probably ask him (discreetly) the next time we see each other but, by being up-front with him I'm assured that he is a good man, understands swinging and will do the right thing by my friend and I'm assured that the information he has about us won't get out through him unless we tell him it's okay to tell.

 

Where things lead from here...who knows??

 

I thought it was an interesting scenario and one I was curious as to how others would handle it.

 

 

Teresa

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Did you let him know that his gf did not yet know about your own swinging activities? THat might be a lead in to whether or not she knows about his.

[realcplub2 513]

Ok, short of bookmarking the profile and seeing if he signs in on a regular basis, there is no real way of telling how active he is..

 

Staying out of thier business is the best course of action, bringing up a vanilla reference to the lifestyle in ANY form can lead to outting yourselves..

 

And short of doing that yourselves, its best to step and play the wait and see game, at least for a while

 

 

DAMN, didnt see this went to 2 pages...

 

Well since the cat was out of the bag, dunno which way would be best.. Talking to him about what she knows like Julie just suggested..

[The Fuse 1,012]

I would consider this scenario equivalent to one where a friend is dating a guy who... shocker... might have other sexual relationships with consenting adults. The wrinkle is that he's a "swingle", but in many ways it's no different than when someone starts dating someone else casually... either one of them might have other things going on, unless they have decided to be exclusive. At least if the guy has a swinger profile, he might understand the difference between swinging and cheating.

 

It is interesting, though. When anyone past their teens gets involved these days, there's a decent chance they have done things a serious partner might want to know about, if a relationship develops that far. So... you know he's a swinger, he knows you're a swinger, but your friend might or might not know her new beau is a swinger. Even if it's a secret for now, it doesn't have to mean anything is wrong or will result in hurt for anyone. It would be interesting to get an update on this if they get more serious!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I'd be giddy if I found this out! I'd be talking to MrLM about what I discovered and we'd have a good conversation over it.

 

This kitty is fed by curiosity.

 

I'd first consider our relationship with this couple and whether it was to continue, if so, on what level. Also I'd weigh in whether MrLM and I would ever consider swinging with them, if things ever developed to that point.

 

I wouldn't be worried about whether the single male new we were swingers because our profile doesn't reveal enough about us for him to discover that. Even then, if he did, through other resources, I'd consider it no greater risk than what we have always prepared ourselves for. We have always understood that we can be found out and we'd have no idea by whom or what they would share with others.

 

We wouldn't bring up any swinging topics with the couple unless they did so first, in which case we'd take it from there and go with the flow, handling the discussion as we see fit.

 

I agree with others, what the couple's relationship is is their business, not ours. It would only become our business if they approached us about swinging with them.

 

Over the years we've discovered a number of people on sites who we know (some have been clients who wrote to us) and we had no problem handling those situations. Some recognized us (way back when we were posting clear face pics of me...we learned from that experiene!) but others had no idea who we were and that the reason we said "no thank you" to a meet is because they were clients.

 

It's not hard for me to keep a secret. But it's great fun to know a secret!

 

Teresa, knowing that your profile has clear face pictures of you and Ted, I totally understand your reason for writing the single male. We'd do the same in your case.

 

LM

[Guest ic7175]

TNT, I think you handled it very well. I would followup as others suggested to be sure he knows that the friend doesn't know about your lifestyle (as far as you know). I'm sure he doesn't want to be the one to share that info with her if you haven't yet.

[TNT 1,155]

Did you let him know that his gf did not yet know about your own swinging activities? THat might be a lead in to whether or not she knows about his.

 

No I didn't.

 

I feel very confident that he has not mentioned it to her...either his history or the fact that we're swingers. I don't necessarily want her to know about Ted and I but, it wouldn't be the end of the world if she did know either. She's not the type that would freak out and refuse to talk to me.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

Ok, short of bookmarking the profile and seeing if he signs in on a regular basis, there is no real way of telling how active he is..

 

Well yes there is...I don't know how active he is in playing (not my business) but, the ad site tells you the last time a person visited it...I know he's visited it every day this week.

 

Well since the cat was out of the bag, dunno which way would be best.. Talking to him about what she knows like Julie just suggested..

 

Which is exactly what I have every intention of doing...sorry, but I'm just a damn curious person and when I want to know something I try to find out...going to the source is usually the best thing to do.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

So... you know he's a swinger, he knows you're a swinger, but your friend might or might not know her new beau is a swinger. Even if it's a secret for now, it doesn't have to mean anything is wrong or will result in hurt for anyone. It would be interesting to get an update on this if they get more serious!

 

Exactly! Having interacted with him in a vanilla setting for a long time before I realized where the hell I knew him from, I've gotten to know him and he's just an upstanding type of guy. As I said, I'm not worried about him causing my friend any type of hurt...I feel he'll do what he has to when/if that time comes.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

I'd be giddy if I found this out! I'd be talking to MrLM about what I discovered and we'd have a good conversation over it.

 

This kitty is fed by curiosity.

 

I'd first consider our relationship with this couple and whether it was to continue, if so, on what level. Also I'd weigh in whether MrLM and I would ever consider swinging with them, if things ever developed to that point.

 

I wouldn't be worried about whether the single male new we were swingers because our profile doesn't reveal enough about us for him to discover that. Even then, if he did, through other resources, I'd consider it no greater risk than what we have always prepared ourselves for. We have always understood that we can be found out and we'd have no idea by whom or what they would share with others.

 

We wouldn't bring up any swinging topics with the couple unless they did so first, in which case we'd take it from there and go with the flow, handling the discussion as we see fit.

 

I agree with others, what the couple's relationship is is their business, not ours. It would only become our business if they approached us about swinging with them.

 

Over the years we've discovered a number of people on sites who we know (some have been clients who wrote to us) and we had no problem handling those situations. Some recognized us (way back when we were posting clear face pics of me...we learned from that experiene!) but others had no idea who we were and that the reason we said "no thank you" to a meet is because they were clients.

 

It's not hard for me to keep a secret. But it's great fun to know a secret!

 

Teresa, knowing that your profile has clear face pictures of you and Ted, I totally understand your reason for writing the single male. We'd do the same in your case.

 

LM

 

LOL Yep! I have no problems keeping secrets...If Ted and I were that worried about being outed, we'd never have face pics posted.

 

The relationship with my friend and her new BF will remain exactly what it is right now...Friends...it might one day, depending on where their relationship heads lead to a Friends who can talk about swinging stuff but...chances of a Friends w/benefits/playing type of relationship...nope, probably never.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

TNT, I think you handled it very well. I would followup as others suggested to be sure he knows that the friend doesn't know about your lifestyle (as far as you know). I'm sure he doesn't want to be the one to share that info with her if you haven't yet.

 

 

Thank you If he had wanted to out us, he could have surely done that months ago...he has assured me he understands what discretion means.

 

 

 

Teresa

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Maybe she is a swinger too?

[slevin 1,374]

Perhaps your friend met him on the swinging site?

[johntoniswing 15]

it does seem strange to me that he hasnt said anything to you .you know he has seen yalls add so im guessing she dont know and he figures you are going to keep the lifestyle in the lifestyle

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Dayum! Go to work for 12 hours and TNT gets a potential Epic Thread rolling!

 

 

So, this is on the back end of the events, but as I was reading, here was my thought process, putting myself in the situation.

 

First, I thought "Stay out of it. It's none of my business".

 

Then, I thought to myself, "You're thinking of this in clinical terms. Really put yourself in that situation. What would you do?"

- I would go ape-shit crazy wanting to find out what was going on, that's what!

 

Since Alura, Julie, and others have given great advice, and you've already done essentially the same, I'll just pretend I was going to say the exact same thing, and feel extra good about myself for the evening.

[Cpl2share 147]

Since he is still checking into the site every day: Shoot him a mail and ask something to the effect of: "Recently saw you with a girlfriend. Is she interested in swinging, or do you play seperate?" That would be a good jumping off point to determine what the situation is. The only reasons to to further involve yourselves in the relationship would be: A) You want to play with them; B) He is "cheating" and you feel that you need to protect her from pain.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Patience will reveal all things. The problem is that because you have questions your mind is running rampant and in overdrive. Their situation is none of your business unless dishonesty is going on. Dishonesty would be going on only if they had a dating relationship that was monogamous and he breached that. But it's not really your role to play investigator and in such a role you would be surprised at how often you would find your interpretation of the facts to be wrong.

 

With Ed, we had a dating relationship where we could see other people. In my case I wanted to be aware because I did not want to stop by his place, phone him or otherwise interfere if he were on a date with another woman. Alternatively, Ed did not want to know and only asked that I'd be discrete. It worked quite well and neither of us found ourselves ever lying about things and we always answered each others questions.

 

My point is you never know what type of arrangements people arrive at. Moreover, you may know how things 'look', but not how they 'are'.

[MRSfun 152]

Sooooo what's going on now Teresa

 

I have to know

[TNT 1,155]

Since he is still checking into the site every day: Shoot him a mail and ask something to the effect of: "Recently saw you with a girlfriend. Is she interested in swinging, or do you play seperate?" That would be a good jumping off point to determine what the situation is. The only reasons to to further involve yourselves in the relationship would be: A) You want to play with them; B) He is "cheating" and you feel that you need to protect her from pain.

 

Already done that (refer to post #20 in this thread).

 

I've never had any intentions of involving myself in their relationship...if you read the thread you'll see I found it an interesting scenario. The only reason I emailed him in the beginning was to basically find out if he had recognized me from our profile, which he had.

 

If, when and what he tells my friend about his swinging activities is none of my business, as I have already stated. I was/am still curious if she knows and I will ask when I see him and have the opportunity.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

Susan here-- Patience will reveal all things. The problem is that because you have questions your mind is running rampant and in overdrive. Their situation is none of your business unless dishonesty is going on. Dishonesty would be going on only if they had a dating relationship that was monogamous and he breached that. But it's not really your role to play investigator and in such a role you would be surprised at how often you would find your interpretation of the facts to be wrong.

 

 

You're correct in that my mind is running rampant but...it's because I'm just damn curious. Their relationship and what does and doesn't go on in it is none of my business but...since he knows we are swingers I do feel I have the right to know if he has told my friend about us.

 

As I previously stated...I don't necessarily want her to know but, it wouldn't be the end of the world either...a little heads up would be nice if she ever approaches me about it.

 

 

Teresa

[TNT 1,155]

Sooooo what's going on now Teresa

 

I have to know

 

I'll give an up-date as soon as I have the chance to speak with him privately...I did see him in the little local grocery store yesterday but, other than a "Hi, how are you doing", there was no opportunity for a more private discussion.

 

 

Teresa

[cocpl2007 170]

What is friendship all about anyway! We'd definitely have our friend over, and show them what we have seen. We would not expect any less from a friend of ours.

[Guest Pinmonkey]

I do agree with this, totally. But, darn it, aren't any of you the curious types? Wouldn't you really want to know what the deal was for nothing else than to appease your curiosity? You wouldn't do anything with the information but wouldn't you want to know?

 

 

Teresa

 

I'm sort of underhanded and sneaky, but couldn't you "accidently" find yourselves showing up at the same party they "happen" to be at? I mean some of these sites have party sign ups, so couldn't you watch for a party his profile has signed up to and go? Or maybe start to go to a club or integrate yourself into the same circles he run in?

 

 

 

 

never mind me. You handled it way better than I would have. lol I guess I'm just passive-aggressive this way.

[TNT 1,155]

Thought I'd give an up-date...

 

I had the chance to talk privately with my friend's new boyfriend last night. He has not told her of his swinging interest and even though he still has an active profile, he is not actively seeking playmates. I told him I just wanted to be sure as I didn't want to say anything I shouldn't and that she didn't know that Ted and I were swingers either.

 

When or if he ever tells her is up to him and a decision only he can make.

 

 

Teresa