What would you do if you caught your significant other cheating?

[eurotrash 15]

My girlfriend and I were very much in love, but something happened and I would like to know how you would have reacted. The story starts like this...

 

One evening, it was agreed that I'd meet her for dinner near her parent's place around 20:00. Leaving my office, I sent her a text message to let her know I was on my way and then another to tell her how the streets had turned into rivers from the pouring rain. She responded to both.

 

When I got to our meeting point, I called her, but nobody answered the phone. I kept calling for some 30-minutes with no response. Finally, she called back, say that she didn't hear the phone ring and she was at a friend's house smoking dope. Sensing something, I asked her, "You're at your ex-boyfriend's house, aren't you." There was a long pause. Then, she replied, "Yes." I told her that I'd been standing in the rain for almost an hour waiting for her. Her response: "I didn't know you were there already." I was getting more and more upset. She knew I was on the way to see her and why didn't she tell me she was at her ex's place?

 

When she finally arrived, it was with a bag full of her things that she'd left at her ex's place. She said she'd only gone there to pick up her things, then his roommates wanted to hang out and smoke out...

 

I told her I was upset because you tried to lie to me or in the very least cover up where she was and who she was with.

 

She insisted that she was not interested in her ex anymore, and that I had nothing to worry about. She told me to trust her. She would never cheat on me. I simply had to trust her. She only lied because she was afraid I'd get upset, she insisted.

 

I did my best to explain to her that day that I would understand if she even slept with somebody else as long as she was open and honest with me about it. I would not put up with lying or finding out myself if she was cheating. I was not like her previous boyfriends who she said would virtually lock her up.

 

So, for a nice long stretch, everything's great. The only complaint is that our friends don't match. Her friends are all potheads who do nothing. They can't do anything without rolling a joint. It turns out her best friends are dealers. She feels uncomfortable around my friends who are all pretty successful in their fields of work.

 

The next incident: Something's going on with her, but I can't put my finger on it. We're living together at this point. I'm working a lot. I feel like I'm neglecting her, but I have no choice. The Olympics is around the corner and I have to be ready when it comes. She is still looking for work. It's been month's since she's had a job and income. I offer her to work with me, but she refuses, wanting to keep our professional and love lives separate.

 

One night, she comes home from spending time with a friend who is helping her translate her CV into English. I greet her and try to give her a hug and kiss, but she shrugs me off. I ask her, "What's wrong." "Nothing," she replies, "I'm just not in the mood." I often help her undress and remove her jewelry. She shrugs me off again. "I'm not in the mood." She's never been not in the mood before. Red flag.

 

I talk to her and try to understand what could be wrong. She insists it's nothing.

 

Her actions bug me for days. Finally, I look into our pile of taxi receipts that we keep for tax purposes and dig out the receipt from the night she came home from translating with her friend. She came home at 01:00. OK. The taxi bill came out to 35 CNY. Red flag. The taxi drove 12.9 kilometers. Red flag. If she was where she said she was that night, the taxi bill should have been half of what it was and the number of kilometers driven half of what it was as well.

 

I brought up the night that she acted so strangely again by asking if she wanted to talk about "that" evening. She said there was nothing to talk about. I said that I felt like there was something she was not telling me... did something happen that night? Where was she? She insisted she was just in a bad mood that night and stuck to her original story.

 

Then, I brought out the receipt. I explained what the information meant. I explained that her ex's apartment was the exact distance away from our place as the kilometers stated on the taxi receipt.

 

Well, things got very serious very suddenly. She said she was translating with the roommate of her ex (now that I think about it, she said it was someone else before, but I digress) when they decided they wanted to roll a joint, so they went back to her ex's place. She said she left when her ex came back and that he was never there. She said I should trust her.

 

I got upset but was still calm. How could I trust her if she lies to me, I asked. I reiterated, "Be open and honest with me. You can do anything you want. Just tell me about it. I won't get angry. I do trust you. I want to trust you."

 

Things get a bit weird for me. It sticks in my mind that she would continue to lie to me until the very end. This is very disconcerting. It takes a while for me to work out in my mind. Then, the Olympics roll into town. No more time or energy to dwell on the relationship problems! I'm working around the clock. Unfortunately, my gf still has nothing to do. To make things worse, all her friends have fled Beijing. The police have cracked down on drugs, so the drug addicts have all gone to Dali, the Amsterdam of China. She doesn't have enough money to go. I can see my gf getting more bored by the day. Unfortunately, when I get home (sometimes at 4 in the morning) I have no time or energy for her. I promise her we'll go once the Olympics is over.

 

We haven't had sex for weeks. First, because I was upset about her lying. Now, because I'm exhausted when I get home and have only a few hours to sleep before going back to work. I'm being paid very well by a big company. I have to be my best, and this is the Olympics! They don't come around very often.

 

I understood she was getting frustrated. We used to have great sex, virtually every night. I once woke up to her accusing me of dreaming of other women because I was getting erections while I was sleeping. One night, my gf literally rapes me. We had great sex. I'm glad she did. She's normally very passive, so to have her forcing herself on me was a nice change.

 

A few days later, I come home to find her upset because she tried to buy a plane ticket to Dali with her credit card, but it was refused. I console her, take a shower and crawl into bed considering if I should buy her a plane ticket to Dali.

 

In the morning, I wake up to find her curled up in a ball. After my shower, she's got her sheets pulled up over her head. I know she's sad about not being able to afford the ticket to Dali. I put enough cash to buy the ticket and then some, put it in a golden envelope that said World's Greatest Artist Awards, an invitation I'd gotten for the real award ceremony.

 

I wake her up and give her the envelope. She opens it with the look of a kid on Christmas. Counting the bills, she asks, "900 CNY?" I'm confused. I was sure I put 1,000 CNY in the envelope. I count it for her. It's 1,000 CNY. "I had a horrible dream last night. I dreamt I flew to Dali, but when I got off the airplane, I was back in Beijing! Thank you so much!"

 

I went to work happy that I was able to make her happy.

 

At work, I get a text message saying she's booked a flight for that afternoon, only to get a call from her completely crushed. She'd missed her flight. During the Olympics the airlines were draconian about their check-in policies. She missed the the cut-off by minutes. She was still in line when it closed. She said the airline would not let her change her flight unless she paid an additional 60% the price of her ticket. I told her to go back and be strong and lose the niceness. I told her to insist on them changing her flight, take names and to talk to the manager if she didn't get her way.

 

Well, she called back all smiles (if that's possible over the phone). She was leaving the next day early in the morning. She (I) didn't have to pay anything extra.

 

When I came home that night at 3:00, she had put candles around the apartment. She greeted me warmly. I took a shower. She went to watch a movie in bed. After the shower, I had to take care of another part of my business that I run over the internet. By the time I was done, most of the candles had burned out and she was supposed to get ready to catch her plane. She gave me a kiss good bye just before I slipped into a deep sleep. I had to be up in a few hours.

 

I woke up to find text messages letting me know she was on her flight, that she'd arrived in Kunming. Later that day, text messages told me that she was on the 5-hour bus to Dali, that she'd arrived in Dali and that it was soooo beautiful and that she missed me.

 

The Olympics ended a few days later, and her text messages changed about the same time. Something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was. When I talked to her on the phone she sounded much too happy. "Must be the drugs," I said to myself as I wrapped loose ends around the Olympic project and prepared to join her in Dali.

 

Only, now, she was telling me that it probably wasn't worth it for me to come to Dali. She was returning to Beijing soon. WHAT?!?! No matter how many solutions I found for her reasons why it was a waste of my time to come to Dali, the bottom line was that it was not worth it for me to come to Dali. At one point, she also said that she didn't want me to come to Dali because she was afraid I wouldn't like her friends there.

 

So, I flew to Dali without telling her. I checked into the hotel attached to the bar I knew she would go to. (I grew to discover that she only frequented places where the owners tolerated drug use, and there aren't many of those places even in a city a large as Shanghai or Beijing.) Then, I watched and waited. I waited until 04:00 in the morning as she left with a guy, part of her circle of friends in Dali. They left as friends walking side-by-side. I was feeling slightly relieved, glad to feel a bit dumb for going through all this effort for nothing, for having doubted my gf. It felt good to be wrong! I was almost going to just call it a night, but something told me to go that last extra mile.

 

I trailed them as they walked to the house her and all her friends were sharing. I trailed them until they started holding hands, my heart racing at this point, my mind screaming, "No! No! No!"

 

They stopped in a dark corner on the trail leading to the house. I watched as he pulled her close and then they started to kiss.

 

I did what I did. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

 

I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I didn't react like I should have. What would you have done? I really want to know. I will let you know how I reacted after hearing your responses.

[slevin 1,374]

I probably would have done something very different much sooner, not going to put up with a stoner girl who lies to me about where she was, cant get a job and gets inconsoleable when her friends take off to go smoke up in some other city. Definitely wouldn't have bought her a plane ticket and totally wouldn't have followed her around draconianly. If I can't trust her we won't be dating.

 

She cheats on me and I find out about it, then we're not dating anymore. My wife cheats on me? We will get a divorce. She doesn't need to cheat though since we're having fun swinging and she can fuck others guys without the sneaking around lol

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

The pain of love not returned can be intense. Very intense. I used to react very negatively to cheating. I stopped doing that. The reason? The person with whom I was upset frankly wasn't worth the expenditure of emotions and energy.

 

If this situation happened to me today, it would never have gone so far as her getting on that plane. In the first talk where she lied to you I would have laid down my rules for myself. Either you are honest with me, or this is over. On the second event, I would have broken it off. I'm not interested in wasting time on a long term relationship with someone who is willing to be dishonest with me after a first discussion indicating the consequences. I'm not interested in reforming people from their lying ways. Either they can live a life without lies, or they can't. If they can't, I'm wasting my time.

 

Assuming that it had gone as far as seeing her kissing this guy, I would have walked away, and possibly never said anything to her about it. There's no point to arguing with her about it. She lied. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four times to you. She isn't going to change, and arguing with her just accents the pain. I would have returned to Beijing, packed anything of hers in my apartment and put it into storage offsite (if possible). I would have changed the locks on the apartment, and told her where she could meet me to get the key to the storage unit. If she continued to harass me after getting her stuff back, I'd directly instruct her not to contact me again. If she did so, I'd call the police.

 

Honestly, people like this aren't worth the time of day. They're worthless cretins and not worth your time. You should have seen this coming at you like a freight train when you noticed the disparity in the friends you keep vs. hers.

 

Thanks for putting on a great olympics by the way. Very impressive!

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I like this site because it is about swinging and not cheating.

 

With that said, why put up with a negative relationship to begin with? It's your relationship, you answer it.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

eurotrash ~

 

Do you and your girlfriend swing together?

 

LM

[eurotrash 15]

I like this site because the members really take the time to read threads before they post a reply and really care about the answers they share with their community and they understand that the topic of swinging covers more than just sex.

 

 

I like this site because it is about swinging and not cheating.

 

With that said, why put up with a negative relationship to begin with? It's your relationship, you answer it.

[eurotrash 15]

We never got that far. We'd discussed it in bed before.

 

eurotrash ~

 

Do you and your girlfriend swing together?

 

LM

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I probably would have done something very different much sooner, not going to put up with a stoner girl who lies to me about where she was, cant get a job and gets inconsoleable when her friends take off to go smoke up in some other city. Definitely wouldn't have bought her a plane ticket and totally wouldn't have followed her around draconianly. If I can't trust her we won't be dating.

 

This!

 

Eurotrash, I didn't read your entire post. It wasn't necessary. I was only a couple lines into your story, when I knew for me that the relationship would be over well before any thoughts of buying plane tickets occurred.

 

The reason I would be this way is that I've been down a similar road before. It sucked, but I learned a very valuable lesson: Run when you see the signs of an impending train wreck. Don't try to minimize or justify unusual or negative behavior. It is what it is and it most likely isn't going to change.

 

Based solely on what you've relayed in your post, I would say cut your losses and move on. Quickly.

 

Good luck.

[jdavisauto 73]

Matters of the heart can only be handle by the two people in a relationship. Sounds like you both need to go and have a nice dinner with cell phones OFF and have an adult conversation about your relationship and what you both want out of it. You stated that you are working a lot and not there for her. Ask yourself this, do you work as hard for this relationship as you do at your job? Do you really want this relationship? Love is never easy, there’s the ups and there’s the downs. But if you really do love her with your heart then she would be the most important person in your life. You would die just to spend one minute with her in your arms. Her words would be as if angels are singing to you. Her kiss would be intoxicating. Yes a relationship like this would be worth saving but only you can answer your question.

[eurotrash 15]

Thanks for the advice, but what I'm asking is what would you have done right then, right there?

 

Matters of the heart can only be handle by the two people in a relationship. Sounds like you both need to go and have a nice dinner with cell phones OFF and have an adult conversation about your relationship and what you both want out of it. You stated that you are working a lot and not there for her. Ask yourself this, do you work as hard for this relationship as you do at your job? Do you really want this relationship? Love is never easy, there’s the ups and there’s the downs. But if you really do love her with your heart then she would be the most important person in your life. You would die just to spend one minute with her in your arms. Her words would be as if angels are singing to you. Her kiss would be intoxicating. Yes a relationship like this would be worth saving but only you can answer your question.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Thanks for the advice, but what I'm asking is what would you have done right then, right there?

 

Put her to the curb.

 

Now what are you going to do? You've heard my/our responses.

[Alura 2,774]

I would have pulled the cheating druggie aside and asked, "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Mrs. Alura??"

 

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I would have pulled the cheating druggie aside and asked, "Who the hell are you, and what have you done with Mrs. Alura??"

 

Mr. Alura

Al, here's one post where I finally disagree with you. Isn't that something after over 4 years?

 

 

I would have walked up to her and the guy and told her I'd like to talk to her, in private. Then if the guy didn't walk away, I'd say to her, "Come walk with me" and then move far enough away to have a private conversation with her.

 

The other guy isn't the problem here, the other guy never is really, it's your SO who made the decision to be where she's at..with a guy, secretly, and cheating on you. It's her you have to talk with. She'll only stop cheating when she decides to. Nobody makes a person cheat. You can't fault the other guy because there will always be another guy if your girlfriend continues to let other guys in.

 

LM

[Alura 2,774]

Al, here's one post where I finally disagree with you. Isn't that something after over 4 years?

 

 

I would have walked up to her and the guy and told her I'd like to talk to her, in private. Then if the guy didn't walk away, I'd say to her, "Come walk with me" and then move far enough away to have a private conversation with her.

 

The other guy isn't the problem here, the other guy never is really, it's your SO who made the decision to be where she's at..with a guy, secretly, and cheating on you. It's her you have to talk with. She'll only stop cheating when she decides to. Nobody makes a person cheat. You can't fault the other guy because there will always be another guy if your girlfriend continues to let other guys in.

 

LM

 

Hmmmm. Are you thinking I said I would pull THE GUY aside and ask, "Who the hell are you and what have you done with Mrs. Alura?" The only way I think I would find Mrs. Alura using drugs and cheating (especially the drug part!) would be if someone had replaced her with a clone and was holding her captive somewhere. I would have pulled THE IMPOSTER WOMAN aside and asked "Who the hell are you...?"

 

Four years without a disagreement isn't bad, though. (Has it really been that long???)

 

Mr. Alura

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

Hmmmm. Are you thinking I said I would pull THE GUY aside and ask...

Yes, that is what I thought you meant. NOW I understand!

 

 

I agree after all, that would be a good thing to say.

 

LM

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I would have kicked his ass. I wouldn't have given him the chance to see me a commin.

 

Then I would steal his dope if he had any on him.

 

Then I would look at Mrsfun and ask. "we still on good terms"

 

Were swingers,

[dnmnms 55]

Well right then and there I would have walked up to them, told the guy I hoped he has a good job to support her in the bumming lifestyle she enjoyed then turned away to begin my life with someone who wanted and deserved the love I had to give. Simple and easy...and for sure wouldnt have listened to the many many excuses/blame she threw my way.

 

Melody

[jdavisauto 73]

Walk away to cool down, get away from the problem until you are over the shock. Remember that this is not the end of the world and your life is worth more then what you may want to do. No women or man is worth going to jail because of there stupidity.

[Alura 2,774]

Yes, that is what I thought you meant. NOW I understand!

 

 

I agree after all, that would be a good thing to say.

 

LM

 

Four years and no disagreement yet. It's mutual and I can live with that.

 

Mr. Alura

[fun4Ds 1,098]

So what happened...... I read this story thinking.... wow, what allot of mistakes you both made. Not about a Swinging relationship, but rather two people dating who don't really know one another. We have to say, we didn't actually have allot of dating as singles experience. We can say we feel fortunate not having to. I mean, look at this story.

 

Full of potential major drama. My response was just a guess at ending the situation with the grand finally mistake. It is kind of like watching a movie that I know the ending.

 

Unless now there is a twist to all this ? So what happened ?

[rpu3 630]

They stopped in a dark corner on the trail leading to the house. I watched as he pulled her close and then they started to kiss.

 

I did what I did. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

 

I would have gone home, gave my notice I was ending the relationship and gotten on with the business of life, i.e., I would have kicked her ass to the curb.

 

Mind you, I would have kicked her ass to the curb a long time before that, but if we are having to play along with the scenario...

 

There's just no point to a confrontation. The issue isn't with the other man; it's with her, and since it's been going on so long now, there's no point to a drama right then and there. It can wait until she returns and tries to resume your normal relationship.

 

All of this second-guessing or asking us as to what we'd do is a bit pointless, since it's allegedly happened and you did act in one manner or another. Why not just tell us what you did and why, since at this point, any action you took is now in the "coulda woulda shoulda" category?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

All of this second-guessing or asking us as to what we'd do is a bit pointless, since it's allegedly happened and you did act in one manner or another. Why not just tell us what you did and why, since at this point, any action you took is now in the "coulda woulda shoulda" category?

Yes, please, at this point I think you should tell us what you did.

 

The reason I would let my presence be known when I spotted her with the guy is that up until this point it's always been you finding things (receipts, etc.) that pointed to her lying and cheating. The mind has a way of acknowleging that something wasn't right, yet not. She may still be justyfing to herself that she isn't doing anything wrong, since you haven't really caught her doing it. If she finally sees you there in front of her she has no doubt that you have your proof, you caught her in the act. She knows you saw her because you are there.

 

That is why I would have approached her.

 

I also agree, I would have dropped her long ago. You can still love someone without them being right for you as a life partner. I don't think she is right for you.

 

LM

[eurotrash 15]

I purposely left out the ending not only because it's still ongoing, but because hindsight is always 20/20. It's too easy for readers to start giving advice once they know the outcome.

 

Also, I posted this thread in Swingers Board because I've swung as a single male and would have had no problems with her having sex with another man as long as she was honest and open about it with me. Posting this thread anywhere else would not have reached people who's opinions I value as much as those found here.

 

I'm hoping for a few more reactions from readers, then I will continue.

 

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

 

 

All of this second-guessing or asking us as to what we'd do is a bit pointless, since it's allegedly happened and you did act in one manner or another. Why not just tell us what you did and why, since at this point, any action you took is now in the "coulda woulda shoulda" category?

[Chicup 41]

Drug using, unemployed, lying, cheating GF without a job.

 

I fail to see what is so hard about finding a solution to this.

 

If I found her doing that I'd simply walk away, change the locks, and let her find her own way.

[eurotrash 15]

At that point, I didn't see anything wrong with drug use. I know sooo many people who use drugs. Wanting to be open-minded, but never touching them, I felt like certain drugs were not harmful. I wanted to believe her when she said her drug use was purely for fun and that smoking pot was like eating candy, just a pleasure to be enjoyed at any time during the day. I feel very differently now.

 

As for being unemployed, I was fine with that. She is supposed to be an artist. My thinking was that I was going to support her so she could devote herself to painting, except she never painted.

 

I was in love.

 

Drug using, unemployed, lying, cheating GF without a job.

 

I fail to see what is so hard about finding a solution to this.

 

If I found her doing that I'd simply walk away, change the locks, and let her find her own way.

[Chicup 41]

I was in love.

 

Love turns off the logic at times, but its time to turn it back on.

 

As you described it there is nothing for you there, and she is using you for your money. End it now.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I purposely left out the ending not only because it's still ongoing, but because hindsight is always 20/20. It's too easy for readers to start giving advice once they know the outcome.

 

I'll be the first to admit my advice is based on hindsight.

That would be the hindsight of looking back on my own experiences. After reading the first couple sentences of your OP, the outcome was a given.

 

I've given the advice I've given because I can look back at similar mistakes I made a lifetime ago and make the connection. All these years later I still occasionally smile and think "How could I have been so stupid?"

-Don't be surprised if 5 or 10 years from now, you look back, smile, and say the same thing.

 

It's all good. Live and learn. Don't repeat the same mistakes, and if you get into a relationship in the future and it starts feeling like Déjà vu, then run. Run fast as you can.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

eurotrash:hahaha:

[Swing*8701 887]

Ed here-- It's been a couple of days with you being coy about what you would do. You seem to be a bit melodramatic. A stoner chic makes bad choices about her life including who she fucks and tells the truth to. She's simply treating you how she treats everyone and has done so for all her adult life.

 

How should you respond to it ? Go home, call her and ask where she wants her belongings sent. If she asks why, just tell her that you aren't going to discuss it, but that you know everything including that she isn't honest with you. Then, start the real process of getting over her. And, the truth is, you already know this is what you need to do. There's nothing to salvage because you never had much more than an illusion in the first place.

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

Is this the same "On again, off again, I'm lonely while you are away" bird you 've posted about in the past?

 

If so, I thought it sounded like a train wreck from the beginning, if not well...Fuck it--it doesn't matter, either way you need to learn from your mistakes and choose wiser next go around!!

[eurotrash 15]

Thanks for your response.

 

I'm not being coy or melodramatic. I wanted to hear some responses before I finish the rest of what happened. I think I've heard enough and so far, everyone, more or less, has agreed with what should be done.

 

As was stated by another reader earlier, I flew to Dali to see for myself if she was lying, then I had to catch her red-handed, otherwise, she would deny everything. I had to see it with my own eyes.

 

I don't think she was all about the money, at least, I don't want to think that. Also know that in China, men pay for everything for a girl. If she's your girlfriend, you're expected to pay for EVERYTHING. Some girls even ask for an allowance/spending money. It's much like western society, except they are very upfront about everything.

 

The beginning of the end of my first relationship with a Chinese girl happened when we went to dinner with a couple from Switzerland. They wanted to split the bill 4 ways. Up until then, I paid for everything for my girlfriend, who was a legal secretary and earned a great salary even by western standards. I let her pay her share since the Swiss couple each paid their own share.

 

Well, when we got to her place that night, my gf (at the time) laid into me like you wouldn't believe!!! NEVER had she been so embarassed in her life! NEVER has she ever had to pay any part of a meal when she was out with her boyfriend! What kind of a man was I?!?!

 

Ed here-- It's been a couple of days with you being coy about what you would do. You seem to be a bit melodramatic. A stoner chic makes bad choices about her life including who she fucks and tells the truth to. She's simply treating you how she treats everyone and has done so for all her adult life.

 

How should you respond to it ? Go home, call her and ask where she wants her belongings sent. If she asks why, just tell her that you aren't going to discuss it, but that you know everything including that she isn't honest with you. Then, start the real process of getting over her. And, the truth is, you already know this is what you need to do. There's nothing to salvage because you never had much more than an illusion in the first place.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I understand we have different customs about life. So i would think giving you advice, isn't going to be easy. Unless you are open to our customs. Its not impossible, we have met people from a few different countries. We respect what is their ways.

 

As far as girlfriend problems I wouldn't have a clue. Your leaving bits and pieces and want probable outcomes. Can you just tell us what happened......

 

You see, we have played with a couple from the Soviet Union (Russia) we went to their house. We respected their customs while there. Although one thing that we felt uncomfortable with was. They serve you. I'm talking they don't eat while you are in their home. They wait till you leave.... That seemed strange according to our customs..... But we had a great time once the clothes came off.... Oh, and when they drink, you drink.....

 

Soooo, where are you going with this ? Are you guys swinging now ?

[rpu3 630]

I'm not being coy or melodramatic. I wanted to hear some responses before I finish the rest of what happened. I think I've heard enough and so far, everyone, more or less, has agreed with what should be done.

 

As was stated by another reader earlier, I flew to Dali to see for myself if she was lying, then I had to catch her red-handed, otherwise, she would deny everything. I had to see it with my own eyes.

 

So, once again, what happened and what did you do?

[eurotrash 15]

I was born and raised in the U.S., spent my adult life until now living in Europe and only moved to Beijing a little over 1 year ago.

 

I understand we have different customs about life. So i would think giving you advice, isn't going to be easy. Unless you are open to our customs. Its not impossible, we have met people from a few different countries. We respect what is their ways.

 

As far as girlfriend problems I wouldn't have a clue. Your leaving bits and pieces and want probable outcomes. Can you just tell us what happened......

 

You see, we have played with a couple from the Soviet Union (Russia) we went to their house. We respected their customs while there. Although one thing that we felt uncomfortable with was. They serve you. I'm talking they don't eat while you are in their home. They wait till you leave.... That seemed strange according to our customs..... But we had a great time once the clothes came off.... Oh, and when they drink, you drink.....

 

Soooo, where are you going with this ? Are you guys swinging now ?

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I purposely left out the ending not only because it's still ongoing,

 

Why?

[eurotrash 15]

I'll explain.

 

Why?

[Swing*8701 887]

Ed here---Everybody now, on 'three' !! One, two, three-- "He's nucking futz !"

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'll explain.

 

Short of being a glutton for punishment, I don't think there's an adequate explanation. This person is using and abusing you. She's taking full advantage of you, and you're a willing participant. Well, if it floats your boat, more power to you. Not my cup of tea, but if it enthralls you, all is good.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Taking a line from that song, "click, click, boom!"

[eurotrash 15]

As I watch them embrace and start to kiss, it felt like I was about to die. My life flashed before my eyes, but not my whole life, my life with Cloud, my girlfriend's name. Like a heart beating until it flat lines, my life with Cloud flashed before my eyes, image after image like a heart beating quickly, then faltering until it flatlined with what I was seeing in front of me.

 

The most recent images were the most vivid and lingering, mostly our phone conversations and text messages which I realized were just lies or half-truths.

 

"I had to move out of the house my friends were staying in because there's no more room. I'm staying in a courtyard with 2 dogs and 2 cats. It's beautiful. It's just for 1 or 2 nights."

 

I realized she meant the same place I was staying, the hotel attached to the bar she frequented with her friends. I already sensed something was amiss when she told me this.

 

Text Message: "Just wake up, da li still have the rain...it's so nice,i will paint in the yard today;-)"

 

I remember being so happy to hear she was painting, but then, something wasn't right. I asked myself, "How could she paint outside, if it were raining?" I consoled myself my imagining her painting beneath the shelter of a covered patio or something.

 

I thought about the times I wished her good night and sweet dreams by text message but didn't get a reply like I normally do.

 

Text Message: "hope u everything is nice, baby miss u"

 

Then, on the bus to Dali:

 

Text Message: "ca va!Just finished the war last night, an intresting movie! We just wake up, prepare to have a good good dinner tonight, they r too tired because of the war.I'm ok, still nice!Sky, so nice,cloud,so nice,the air,freeden!I don't wana the war forever!"

 

The male half of couple that deals drugs and is considered by her to be one of her closest friends got into a fight with a local bar owner and beat him up pretty badly. The bar owner demanded his hospital bills to be paid by Cloud's friend, and was making sure his demand was being taken seriously with a show of force.

 

I reply by text message: "What about Dali gives you freedom?"

 

I remember her talking about wanting to be free. Her goal in life was to be free.

 

Cloud: "natrul...,everything"

 

Me: "Well, I think that freedom comes from within. It's a state of mind. A place cannot give you freedom."

 

Me again: "If the clouds are so beautiful, maybe you should pain them:-)"

 

Cloud: "he he, i done;-)"

 

As I'm sitting in the shadows watching Cloud be handed joint after joint by the guy I would soon find her kissing, I send her a text message:

 

"It's been so long that you haven't wished me good night:-("

 

I have seen Cloud smile only twice the whole night. Otherwise, she has a rather bored look on her face. She doesn't talk to anyone. She just watches. The guy hovers around her a lot, but never touches her. Their only interaction is exchanging more joints than words, and a game of fussball. He leans over and says something like, "Let's play fussball." She agrees.

 

At 04:01 in the morning, I watch as she reaches into her bag and pulls her mobile phone out. She looks at it, then starts tapping the keys to send what would be the following text message:

 

"bonne nuit! Have a Sweet dream;-)"

 

By now, there are only 4 people left in the bar.

 

About 30-minutes later, I hear him say, "It's a long walk back home. I'll walk with you." It's all so platonic, but it's clear he's interested, or maybe he's just a good guy. I go back to my room to lock the door. When I come out, they're gone. I rush out onto the street. Look right.

 

Nothing.

 

My heart rate at this point jumps, but in my mind everything slows to a crawl. If I lose their trail, how will I find them again?

 

Look left. It's very dark with patches of light from flickering street lamps.

 

My eyes haven't adjusted to the darkness. I'm wondering what the best strategy is to trail them down a narrow street with virtually nowhere to hide except in the shadows. I see them as they walk through a pool of light. They are side-by-side. Nothing unusual. "This is stupid," I tell myself, "he's just a friend."

 

The entrance to the bar is 5 feet above street level. If I take the stairs, I step into a floodlight. If I leap off the backside, it's pitch black. I take the leap, landing partly in something, a basket of sorts, almost losing my balance.

 

I wait in the darkness until they are far enough ahead that I can barely make them out in the darkness. I dash to the far side of the alley in order to be as far away from the light source as possible, then proceed to follow them.

 

At one point, it appears that they've stopped and lit a cigarette or something, but they've disappeared. There's another light source ahead that I will have to cross. I can't see them, but maybe they can see me. No time to waste... I hurry across the pool of light. As soon as I do, I can see them just ahead of me! As I squeeze myself into a doorway, I'm sure they've seen me. I decide to wait.

 

After what seemed an eternity, I peek out, the alley is empty. Panicking, I rush up the darkened alley toward the brightly lit main road. I check every nook and cranny, listen for signs of them, half afraid of bumping into them in the dark. Nothing.

 

I reach the main road. It's very well lit and very broad, giving nowhere to hide. I look right. Nothing. I look left. Nothing. Then, straight ahead, I see them. As they cross the street, they start holding hands. ""No! No! No!," my minds screams. I may have uttered the same under my breath.

 

I'm flatlining now. Those images frozen in my mind as I watch them kissing in the dark.

 

Emotions are overtaking me now. I feel frantic yet I'm in control enough to realize that if I cross the street behind them, I risk being seen. I decide wait until they finish crossing, then run down the street about 20 yards and cross there, but the meridian is made of waist-high shrubs. I take a running leap, land in the middle of the shrubs, then bulldoze my way through the rest of the way.

 

Now, I'm squeezed into a nook watching the girl that I loved so much kissing another man. If she hadn't lied to me, things would have been, could have been different. How could she do this to me? Why?!?!

 

The memories of the past catch up to me. The impact pushes me out of my nook and towards Cloud and the guy. I almost trip and fall as I'm propelled towards them.

 

"What's going on here!?!?"

 

Cloud and the guy stop kissing, pull apart and look at me as if they'd seen a ghost.

 

"Yun. What's going on?!?!"

 

The guy, "Who's that?"

 

Cloud, "That's my boyfriend."

 

The guy, "The Creative Director?"

 

Cloud, "Yes."

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Swing*8701 887]

...and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

 

None of this happened.

 

Why do I think he's working on a script ? A bad one.

[eurotrash 15]

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

 

Why don't you believe this happened?

 

...and if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

 

None of this happened.

 

Why do I think he's working on a script ? A bad one.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

eurotrash ~

 

I'm very disappointed in you. To use all of us in this way, with a lie, a story that isn't even well-written or believable after reading your last post.

 

I had began to suspect it was all make believe when you refused to tell us "what you did" after we asked on page one.

 

Bye.

 

LM

[eurotrash 15]

Why do you think I'm lying?

 

I'm very disappointed in YOU!

 

How can you judge me without any evidence?

 

If anything, the fact that you all think this is such an unbelievable story may make it an interesting film. Wait until I finish the story, which is still ongoing. With Cloud on the run from the police.

 

You want the address and phone number of the bar? You want to see scans of my hotel receipts and airline stubs? I have photos of the spot where I caught them kissing. I have photos of the guy.

 

I'm not kidding you. I've been living a nightmare for over a month. I thought I could get some advice from readers here. Your reaction, it seems is very odd. I explained why I didn't reveal my reaction. Now, I haven't written the rest of the story because I don't have the time and am exhausted.

 

How do you want me to prove my story isn't a lie?

 

 

eurotrash ~

 

I'm very disappointed in you. To use all of us in this way, with a lie, a story that isn't even well-written or believable after reading your last post.

 

I had began to suspect it was all make believe when you refused to tell us "what you did" after we asked on page one.

 

Bye.

 

LM

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm not kidding you. I've been living a nightmare for over a month.

 

If the story is true, you've been living a nightmare by your own choice.

 

How do you want me to prove my story isn't a lie?

 

I don't think you should. I'll be blunt here. I don't believe your story either. But, I didn't want to say so publicly, just choose to not engage in this thread any further. For those of you who do not believe the story, I encourage you to do the same. There's no reason for this to get nasty. Just move along.

[Alura 2,774]

Eurotrash wrote:

 

Me: "Well, I think that freedom comes from within. It's a state of mind. A place cannot give you freedom."

 

Love, too, is a state of mind, Eurotrash... a state of mind that can be changed at will. All you need do is admit that this woman has far too many problems and inadequacies to be anything more than a problem in your life. She even smokes cigarettes. Ugh.

 

As far as the story itself, you're going to need a murder or a real war to inject enough drama to make it sell as a novel or a movie.

 

Good luck.

 

Mr. Alura

[fun4Ds 1,098]

What inspired you to tell this story here ?

[eurotrash 15]

I've said this before. I could have asked for advice and opinions in other places, but chose to do so here because I felt that I'd get a broader range of opinions here. I was totally open to the idea of letting her have other men as long as she was open and honest with me.

 

I sincerely value the opinions given here. I know that anywhere else, if I even mentioned that it was fine for her to sleep with other men, people would not understand.

 

However, I see that even here, I did the right thing, at least for now.

 

I admit I got carried away with the details of the 2nd half of my story, but I wanted to get all the details straight in my own head and wanted to make sure that you readers had the details necessary to form your opinion.

 

As to what happened next, I'll summarize this time and finish the more detailed version on my own.

 

...

 

 

Cloud immediately denies any wrongdoing by saying the guy is just a friend and that they weren't doing anything.

 

This enrages me! Despite the fact that I'm standing right in front of her, she's lying!

 

I tell her I saw them kissing. Friends don't kiss each other like that!

 

Cloud denies kissing the guy and asks what I saw.

 

I hold her the same way the guy was holding her.

 

Cloud continues to deny she did anything wrong. Now, the guy is talking back to me and being a smart ass. I tell him to shut the f*ck up and get out of here! He says something like, "Hey talk to me in Chinese. I don't understand English." But, I know he understands English from the way he responds to my English and seeing him talking with foreigners in the bar.

 

Cloud, "You can't talk to my friend like that. You can't talk to me like this. How dare you yell at me!"

 

The guy says something distrespectful to me again, so I punch him. He's standing behind and to the left of Cloud. He tries to punch me back, but I swat his arm. His punch goes into the side of Cloud's face.

 

Cloud yells out TO ME, "YOU HIT ME! HOW COULD YOU HIT ME!" She's trying to turn the blame on me to overshadow what she's done!

 

"I didn't hit you. HE did," I reply, "I merely blocked his punch."

 

To his credit, the guy admits to being the one who hit Cloud.

 

"I didn't know she had a boyfriend," he says.

 

"Bullshit! All her friends know she has a boyfriend. You're all living together. How could you not know?" Besides, he recognized me as the Creative Director boyfriend. So, he's lying to me too.

 

"Get the f*ck out of here, or I'm going to beat the sh*t out of you!!!," I yell at him. He climbs down to the street level. (We're standing on a sort of path about 3 feet above a rocky trail.)

 

"Have you been having sex with this guy?," I ask.

 

"Why does that matter?," Cloud replies.

 

"What do you mean, 'Why does that matter?' Of course, it matters!!! Have you been having sex with this guy?"

 

"No."

 

"I don't believe you."

 

I turn to the guy, "Have you been having sex with Cloud?"

 

He doesn't say anything, just looks away.

 

I turn to Cloud, "I told you all you had to do was TELL ME!!! Why all the lying? Why ruin my trust in you? Why ruin everything?!?!"

 

"We've known each other for a long time. We've wanted each other for a long time."

 

The guy says, "I didn't know she had a boyfriend."

 

"You better get the f*ck out of here or I'm going to come down there and kick your ass out of here!!!"

 

"OK. I'm going," and he leaves.

 

Cloud seems shocked that he's actually leaving.

 

"How could you do this?!?!," I scream at her.

 

"Sit down and let's talk about this," she says.

 

"No. Tomorrow we talk. Right now, I'm too angry. I can't believe you would do this! You said I should trust you. I bought you the plane ticket to come here. This is what I get in return?!?! You're stupid! You're a loser! Your friends are all losers! What are you doing with your life?!?!"

 

"What do you want me to do?," Cloud asks me.

 

"I don't know. Let's talk tomorrow."

 

"What do you want me to do?"

 

"I want you to go back to Beijing tomorrow. Pack take your things and go."

 

"You mean, we go back to Beijing tomorrow together?"

 

"No. I mean you go back to Beijing by yourself. I'm staying in Dali for a few days to relax. I'm utterly exhausted from the Olympics and this story. I also want you to return the money for the plane ticket."

 

"OK."

 

"Now, I'm going to walk you home."

 

"I don't want you to walk me home."

 

"I'm walking you home. This is a dark unlit alley. You're a single girl. I'm walking you home."

 

She continues to refuse. We stand there for what seemed ages.

 

"You still care about me?"

 

"Yes. I still care about you. I love you. So, I'm walking you home."

 

"OK."

 

We're walking up the path when she asks, "Where are you staying?"

 

"In a hotel."

 

"Which hotel?"

 

"It's none of your business which hotel."

 

We don't say anything for the rest of the way.

 

When we finally get to the house her and her friends as staying in, Cloud thanks me for walking me. I tell her it's normal, but as I turn to go back to my hotel, a wave of rage welled up inside me and I turn back around and yell, "You said I should trust you! You liar!!! You're nothing but a liar!!!"

 

"I don't know who I like more him or you."

 

"What?!?! You're supposed to be in love with me!"

 

"I don't know if it's love."

 

"Well, if you think I'm equal to that guy f*ck you!"

 

With that, I turn around and leave.

 

The next day, I call her. She should be on her way back to Beijing. Instead, she's still in Dali. She offers to show me the town. She says she'll meet me in an hour, but show's up 2 hours late, her breath smelling of pot. I come to give her a hug. She remains cold and distant.

 

We walk around looking for a place to talk. There's no intention to show me the sights of her beloved city.

 

The talk leads nowhere. She tries to deflect blame onto me. This time for cursing at her. She continues her lies and denials. However, I'm able to get the name of the guy. He's from Taiwan. His name is Jason.

 

I tell her she should stop smoking pot because she's not making any sense.

 

She says she wants to break up because what I said about her pot smoking scares her.

 

I tell her if she wants to break up, all she has to do is take her things and go. She didn't leave today as she'd said, so she must leave tomorrow.

 

It is agreed that she leaves tomorrow.

 

3 days later, she's still in Dali. Still hanging around with the guy and her friends. On the 3rd night, I find Cloud and Jason sitting at the bar of a restaurant. I go in and beat him up. Then, call my landlord to have the locks changed.

 

Cloud leaves the next day.

 

A month later, her things are still in the apartment. We've only seen each other once during this time. Otherwise, it's just lies on the phone and flaking out each time we're supposed to see each other. She can't make up her mind. I still want to fix things.

 

I go to the police to report her drug dealing friends.

 

After one final failed attempt to have dinner with her, I insist she remove her things right then, right now. She takes her things away. I tell her she should stop smoking pot. She says she'll never stop smoking. Marijuana is part of her. They are one. I tell her that I'm sure any drug addict would say the same. She denies being addicted.

 

A week after, I visit her parents to let them know that her daughter has a drug problem. They don't even know I exist. They don't even know Cloud and I have been living together. The father thanks me for coming to them, but the mother is skeptical. I leave not knowing if the visit will have any impact.

 

I wait a couple of days. Cloud is still out and about, so I figure her parents decided not to heed my warnings or Cloud has been able to bamboozle them.

 

I go to the police again and report her drug addiction. In China, the police can put you in rehab if it's proven you're a drug user. they have the right to force you to do testing. The police and I go to Cloud's parents home together looking for her. She isn't home.

 

Now, Cloud is on the run.

 

I'm going to turn in her friends one by one until she turns herself in. I've told her friends to give her this message.

 

What inspired you to tell this story here ?

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

Christ, I feel the need to go burn one after reading that drivel.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Euro, You start out with the fact that your g/f could have sex with others as long as she was honest. Well you have some problems, some are major issues. We can clearly see your opinion about what she has done wrong in your eyes. But isn't there a part of you that sees you have taken this too far.

 

It seems you are quite controlling. How will you ever find honesty ? Forced confessions ? We learn allot about ourselves in a relationship. It Doesn't seem like you are looking within yourself.

 

You say she is breaking the law smokin some pot.

 

Well, your stalking someone. Yours carries a sentence as well....

 

You shouldn't judge your partner and controll her life. You should be a guest in her life. Possibly a friend. I would think you fucked that up......