I am feeling guilty about being non-monogamous

[safireblues 106]

Do you ever feel guilty about being non-monogamous, especially if someone knows and says things like "I could never be married to someone like you"...and then you start thinking maybe you are a bad person for being sexually open.

 

It happens to me more than it should.

 

I don't know how to fight the guilt monster.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Safire,

 

You are a married woman, I'm assuming that it was your husband that said that to you. You have to be honest with yourself, and your husband. Then the two of you have to work that out between yourselves. But being honest with yourself is the first thing to do, as long as you do that, the rest will work out.

 

S

[cocpl2007 170]

The best way to handle this, when someone is so bold as to state: "I could never be married to someone like you" is to just smile and change the subject. You would not want to be married to someone like that, but what is the point in such a debate. You have to consider why it is that you are non-monogamous in the first place, it is all about the dimension added to your sexuality, and your relationship by sharing. Something quite a few people would not understand, ever. Chances are the “guilt” comes from your religious background. Somehow if you don’t feel guilty religion has lost its grip. And there is nothing more self-righteous than someone who has all the answers… religious or not! Just consider the source. Focus on the fun you are having and the way you feel during the act, and give yourself the respect you deserve, you are capable of sexual ecstasy way beyond anything your monogamous friend could imagine.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Do you ever feel guilty about being non-monogamous

No. Not ever.

 

especially if someone knows and says things like "I could never be married to someone like you"...

 

So, they couldn't be married to someone secure in their relationship, built on trust and communication?

 

You don't need their approval. Let go of the guilt.

[intuition897 2,179]

Do you ever feel guilty about being non-monogamous, especially if someone knows and says things like "I could never be married to someone like you"...

 

Did you say, "Ditto!"? It hurts when people put you down for your lifestyle choices, especially when they're just the type of person you thought would understand. Every now and then I get twinges of guilt. But if I stand back and look at it objectively, it's easy to see that it's just some of my old "programming" coming back to haunt me. It usually happens around family when they start badmouthing people with "loose morals". But I know it would hurt me worse to try to make myself agree with them again. I used to, you know. I was as vanilla as they come. I guess I finally got fed up with others telling me what I was supposed to believe and - like a flash out of the blue - realized that it was ME who was supposed to decided that. And that, not only is it my right to decide what I should or should not believe, it is my responsibility.

 

No, my family still doesn't know. And if I have anything to say about it, they never will. Telling them would not improve anything at all, and would merely dissolve family ties for no good reason...seeing as how it's none of their business anyway.

[ViSexual 1,008]

I've always felt that monogamy was being committed and faithful to only one person. If it relates only to sex then even masturbation would mean being non-monogamous, right?

 

In this interpretation I'd bet that, over-all, swingers are much more monogamous than non swinging couples.

 

And, remember, you can't argue with ignorance. And, people who have never been in the lifestyle can't possibly understand.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Do you ever feel guilty about being non-monogamous, especially if someone knows and says things like "I could never be married to someone like you"...and then you start thinking maybe you are a bad person for being sexually open.

 

It happens to me more than it should.

 

I don't know how to fight the guilt monster.

 

If I may ask.

 

Is this people or men, who you would like a relationship with ? Or people in your family ? or, the general crowd ?

[Trace Ekies 186]

Guilt? Never.

 

This is for fun and that's all.

 

Arguing the point with someone who either can't or won't understand is of no help to you at all.

 

So far as dealing with guilt look at it like this...did anyone get hurt? If not, quit worrying and have fun.

 

Trace

[safireblues 106]

If I may ask.

 

Is this people or men, who you would like a relationship with ? Or people in your family ? or, the general crowd ?

 

It's a friend who I played with on one occasion. He was married, was single for a year during the time I met him (and dating around), and has decided to go back to his wife, who is very vanilla. He is going back for the kids, which I understand, but he was the type who cheated on her left and right. I suggested to him that maybe he just wasn't the monogamous type, as some people aren't, and I count myself among those ranks.

 

Then he went on a rant about how he wants to be monogamous, that's what we should all want, he could never be married to someone like me who is drawn to other people.

 

I *know* he was just judging himself, and I was the unfortunate recipient, but it stirred up my own guilt monster. Which isn't hard to do, by the way.

 

I have too many of those moments where someone says something, possibly not even directed at me, but I *feel* it too deeply. That I am wrong to be who I am.

 

Please note I was raised catholic!

[safireblues 106]

Safire,

 

You are a married woman, I'm assuming that it was your husband that said that to you. You have to be honest with yourself, and your husband. Then the two of you have to work that out between yourselves. But being honest with yourself is the first thing to do, as long as you do that, the rest will work out.

 

S

 

No, wasn't my husband. He quite likes me and my freaky ways, which is all that should matter!

 

I just let other opinions and my own internal judgments get to me sometimes. Which I like to call "the guilt monster."

[The Fuse 1,012]

I have too many of those moments where someone says something, possibly not even directed at me, but I *feel* it too deeply. That I am wrong to be who I am.

 

Please note I was raised catholic!

I think the key is to trust your own judgment to be at least as good as other peoples'. This is really important. It brings peace.

 

You know that what you do works for you and your marriage. If it doesn't work for others, that is fine. That is why they say "It takes all types". Your friend really wants to whip himself, but had the bad manners to turn the whip handle toward you, even after you were both there when you played. If you want to make a point with him, you might say something like "We are happy this way. What we do adds to our relationship and reinforces the notion that things other than sex keep us together".

 

As for your Catholic upbringing, I can't relate. But you know what is best for your life, and I hope you can reconcile that with your background in whatever way makes sense to you.

 

By the way, I once had someone give me the "I would never let my wife do that" comment, but about something quite different. My response was along the lines of "Well, that's why I'm not married to someone like you".

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

but it stirred up my own guilt monster. Which isn't hard to do, by the way.

 

I have too many of those moments where someone says something, possibly not even directed at me, but I *feel* it too deeply. That I am wrong to be who I am.

 

Please note I was raised catholic!

 

Question: Are you wrong to wear a knee length skirt?

Do you know in some places in the world you would be viewed as a sinner?

 

Question: Are you wrong to wear makeup?

Some religions find this a sin.

 

Question: Are you wrong to cut your hair?

At least one religion finds this a sin too.

 

Pick just about anything that humans do beyond eating, sleeping, using a toilet, and having sex strictly for procreation purposes, and you can find a religion somewhere that finds it is a sin to do it.

 

Only you can decide how swinging interacts with your spirituality.

[TNT 1,155]

It's a friend who I played with on one occasion. He was married, was single for a year during the time I met him (and dating around), and has decided to go back to his wife, who is very vanilla. He is going back for the kids, which I understand, but he was the type who cheated on her left and right. I suggested to him that maybe he just wasn't the monogamous type, as some people aren't, and I count myself among those ranks.

 

Then he went on a rant about how he wants to be monogamous, that's what we should all want, he could never be married to someone like me who is drawn to other people.

 

 

Hmmm, he cheated on her but couldn't be married to someone who is drawn to other people....okay...is that not the pot calling the kettle black? If he had/does want to be monogamous, then he would be. Seems to me it was his own guilt speaking.

 

I've never felt guilty about being non-monogamous (swinging). Of course I was fortunate enough to not have been raised with a strict religious indoctrination, which I'm sure helps. Swinging is about trust and truth...not about lies and dishonesty...I just can't find anything in swinging to feel guilty about.

 

Teresa

[bbarnsworth 2,640]

Hmmm, he cheated on her but couldn't be married to someone who is drawn to other people....okay...is that not the pot calling the kettle black? If he had/does want to be monogamous, then he would be. Seems to me it was his own guilt speaking.

 

I suspect the guy was trying to convince himself he would not cheat again. Not much to go on of course, but that's why I suspect.

 

 

I've never felt guilty about being non-monogamous (swinging). Of course I was fortunate enough to not have been raised with a strict religious indoctrination, which I'm sure helps. Swinging is about trust and truth...not about lies and dishonesty...I just can't find anything in swinging to feel guilty about.

 

I was raised with a religious upbringing. I find the questions of monogamy, swinging, adultery, etc. to be fascinating. I also don't find swinging to be at odds with my spirituality.

 

. . .

 

When you marry someone, you don't enter a two person convent and never see anyone else again. There *will* be people who are interesting to you, people who make you laugh, make you think, make you feel good about yourself. Is that adultery?

 

There will be people from whom you gain pleasure by talking with them, playing cards with them, enjoying time you spend with them. Is that adultery?

 

There will be people who you look forward to seeing again, who you will shake hands with or give a hug to when you see them again. Is that adultery?

 

These are all conscious actions you take and feeling that you feel due to interacting with others.

 

Why is having fun with someone not adultery, but if you have sexual fun with someone it is? Why is someone making you laugh not adultery, but someone making you orgasm is? Sex is a physical act. Emotions are often tied up into it, but if you remain emotionally monogamous with your spouse, how is having physical fun with someone any different than giving that person a hug after you haven't seen them in a long time?

[lizandtom 512]

... has decided to go back to his wife, who is very vanilla. He is going back for the kids, which I understand, but he was the type who cheated on her left and right....That I am wrong to be who I am.

 

Please note I was raised catholic!

 

He was very judgemental, yet those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I would bet my bottom dollar that HE is miserable with his vanilla wife which is why he has to cheat on her.

 

You owe no one any explanation nor any apologies; you are true to yourself which makes you happier than probably 85% of all Americans. For every judgemental idiot like that guy, you will find plenty of people who appreciate your truthful self for who you are. I have always appreciated open-minded free women the best, rather than the prim and proper subdued "watch your tongue" type. Although the prim and proper "with a wild side" is always welcomed too lol. Growing up under the shroud of Catholic rules, try to find a way to expunge the guilt that has probably been pervasive. Tom.

[Willing29 66]

It's a friend who I played with on one occasion. He was married, was single for a year during the time I met him (and dating around), and has decided to go back to his wife, who is very vanilla. He is going back for the kids, which I understand, but he was the type who cheated on her left and right. I suggested to him that maybe he just wasn't the monogamous type, as some people aren't, and I count myself among those ranks.

 

Then he went on a rant about how he wants to be monogamous, that's what we should all want, he could never be married to someone like me who is drawn to other people.

 

I *know* he was just judging himself, and I was the unfortunate recipient, but it stirred up my own guilt monster. Which isn't hard to do, by the way.

 

I have too many of those moments where someone says something, possibly not even directed at me, but I *feel* it too deeply. That I am wrong to be who I am.

 

Please note I was raised catholic!

I am not sure I am getting this, the guy who cheated left and right on his wife is saying that you should be monogamous? Tell him to take care of his own problems before throwing stones at you.

[good times 991]

No, never have.

 

We have had a couple of men say this to us too, or something similar like, "If I get married, I could never swing with my wife". Funny thing is, it was single males at the swingers clubs that we have heard this from. This is one of the things that has kind of put us off to single males, so few seem to really get it.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and some stink more than others.

 

Who cares what they think?

[intuition897 2,179]

Saphire, from your description, this is one seriously messed up guy. His distorted values are sadly common, which might make it seem like he's in the right somehow. But as the old saying goes, just because something's popular doesn't make it right. It's a little lonely, perhaps, but rest assured his guilt issues and fearfulness is not something that you should reflect. As long as you aren't hurting anyone (yourself included) you are doing nothing wrong. It is NOT wrong to want mutually pleasurable physical contact with more than one person. That's just your physiology talking. God is not so cruel that He'd design us in such a way that we'd have to deny our very nature in order to please Him. He really doesn't enjoy our misery you know.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

How close are you to this friend now ?

 

How close are you to his family ?

 

To me, it sounds like this man is being manipulative. Like a way to keep our little secrete safe as long as HE can make you feel guilty ?

[safireblues 106]

How close are you to this friend now ?

 

How close are you to his family ?

 

To me, it sounds like this man is being manipulative. Like a way to keep our little secrete safe as long as HE can make you feel guilty ?

 

Not very close to him, talk every few months, we both work in the same general area (geographically, we don't work together) and are in the same field, so we have met for coffee, whatever. Once he said he was going back to his wife, I told him there would never be anything more beyond friendship.

 

I know he is wrestling with things within himself, I guess it's more that I do too, sometimes I question if I'm a "bad" person for being as sexual as I am, but then again, I don't hurt people, I'm as moral and ethical about it as I can be. I'm just not that mainstream wife that hates sex and the alpha male has to cheat on, so I think it's easier for someone like him to put me down.

 

Whatever, I'm not going to let it sully my opinion of myself!

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

Do you ever feel guilty about being non-monogamous, especially if someone knows and says things like "I could never be married to someone like you"...and then you start thinking maybe you are a bad person for being sexually open.

 

It happens to me more than it should.

 

I don't know how to fight the guilt monster.

We don't have a magic pill for you that will make your guilt go away, be we will tell you this: if anyone ever made a statement like that to us, our response would be, "Well, we could never be married to someone like YOU, either!"

[avid 134]

I know he is wrestling with things within himself, I guess it's more that I do too, sometimes I question if I'm a "bad" person for being as sexual as I am, but then again, I don't hurt people, I'm as moral and ethical about it as I can be.

 

You know what else is good? I really enjoyed reading The Ethical Slut, because I found that the author worded things in a way that caused a huge paradigm shift in me. It took away any vestiges of guilt I had, and gave me a framework for what I was doing.

[lovinher 505]

You answered your own question. The only opinion that matters are what you and your husband think. You should think of it this way. Who is more "moral"? The person who cheats or the person who has sex with others within a marriage when both enjoy it? Most swingers swing to enhance a marriage. I know that is a broad statement but just trying to keep it simple. Most cheaters cheat because of a bad marriage for one reason or another. Others cheat because they no conscience. You are by far a more moral person than this so called friend.

 

If guilt were a problem for me I'd have to rethink the whole idea of swinging. In reality, I would have no problem telling the truth to anybody who asked. The only reason I don't is because of our kids and family. Anybody else-F**K em.

 

I have to ask. Why would you have any contact with a person who thinks about you and your choices the way he does? Skip the coffee next time.

[cocpl2007 170]

That is the best retort yet, Greg & Sheryl! He is just very much trying to push his own guilt on Safireblues.

[safireblues 106]

 

I have to ask. Why would you have any contact with a person who thinks about you and your choices the way he does? Skip the coffee next time.

 

Didn't know he felt that way until that conversation. I'm thinking of never speaking to him again, but I wanted to make sure it was because he is a dickface and not because what he said hit close to home.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Not very close to him, talk every few months, we both work in the same general area (geographically, we don't work together) and are in the same field, so we have met for coffee, whatever. Once he said he was going back to his wife, I told him there would never be anything more beyond friendship.

Certainly is good this kind of man isn't in your personal life. Wouldn't ya say. I would think he is someone who would tell people what they want to hear... That erks me sometimes... Then when the realities of probably child support kicks in, its all about staying together for the kids. I think thats his manipulation, he just wants to make sure to you keep at arms length from his wife. Maybe I'm wrong....

 

I know he is wrestling with things within himself, I guess it's more that I do too, sometimes I question if I'm a "bad" person for being as sexual as I am, but then again, I don't hurt people, I'm as moral and ethical about it as I can be.

Thats the thing, he isn't just wrestling his situation, he will struggle this all his life. You however, don't have to. We all question our lives at times. I like to think it keeps the conscience clear.. I cant feel I am a bad person for how we live our lives sexually. I can't think you should either....Cool ?

 

I'm just not that mainstream wife that hates sex and the alpha male has to cheat on, so I think it's easier for someone like him to put me down.

This guy is small in life, he walks in fear. You are large in life and walk with dignity....... He cant put you down......

 

Whatever, I'm not going to let it sully my opinion of myself

 

Well, thats cool....

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- This happened to me with the wife of an acquaintance. She actually tried to make a public example of me in a shopping mall. We ran into each other and she immediately pointed a finger at me, with her husband at her side," I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people ! "

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes,"It's the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think ! How would he know ? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too ?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Never allow yourself to feel guilty about having responsible, consensual, adult, fun . And, don't take crap from those trying to define who you are because of it.

[cocpl2007 170]

Didn't know he felt that way until that conversation. I'm thinking of never speaking to him again, but I wanted to make sure it was because he is a dickface and not because what he said hit close to home.

 

Yes, we agree, he is a dickface! (in addition to being a hypocrite, big time)

[intuition897 2,179]

Susan here-- This happened to me with the wife of an acquaintance. She actually tried to make a public example of me in a shopping mall. We ran into each other and she immediately pointed a finger at me, with her husband at her side," I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people ! "

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes,"It's the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think ! How would he know ? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too ?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Never allow yourself to feel guilty about having responsible, consensual, adult, fun . And, don't take crap from those trying to define who you are because of it.

 

Oh BAM!! You nailed it, Susan. Wish I could've been a fly on the wall. I'm not nearly as level-headed and calm as this face to face. I Monday-Morning-Quarterback situations like this with all my coulda woulda shoulda talk. I really envy people who can think on their feet like that. Kudos!

[Suncouple 32]

It sounds like a case of sour grapes to me.

 

He is trapped in a marriage that doesn't satisfy him for the sake of the kids.

 

That may be a noble thing to do for the kids but ...

 

His attitudes have nothing to do with you.

 

imho