Should a man having ED declare in advance?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

JoAnn has a question that she wants me to pose to the Swingersboard membership. Should a man who has difficulty gaining or maintaining an erection say so before getting into a partner exchange and, if yes, at what stage of a developing acquaintanceship should it be declared? Should it be stated plainly in the the on-line profile? During initial phone conversations? During an initial meeting? At a follow-up meeting? Before making the swap? It is supreme disappointment for her to hear, "Oh, sorry about that. I have diabetes and can't get it up. But don't worry, I'm really good at oral sex." She really does understand that some men cannot or occasional have a problem. But really, it's now three in a row who have announced themselves only after a half-hour of oral sex in a vain attempt to "get it going". She is beginning to think it's her. Help!

[ncmd_couple 597]

I have ED. Viagra takes care it very nicely, thank you very much!! It is a very personal failure on a man's part. I don't know the answer because there are many causes, and many men respond differently to medications. Or don't. I'm with the open and honest crowd. If you have a problem, then you need to state that up front.

[HELLSLOVE 15]

Well Some One Tell Her It Has Nothing To Do With Her At All As There Is Times I Dont Get Hard And Guess What The Only Time I Cant Is When There Is Another Male In The Room Now What.

[Mr.Essex 264]

Yes. If you meet a couple, and the woman doesn't bother to warn you about her "monthlies" in advance, you'd be bound to feel a bit cheated. However, if she gives fair warning and proises to make it up in "kisses", you know exactly what to expect. Same thing for men: If you have a problem with sustaining an erection, but you know that your finger and tongue game is tight, let the woman know. Sometimes, the sight of a woman (who isn't your primary partner) in the throes of passion is enough to get your body over that hump. (Heh)

[Malachista 170]

Yes, please, as I usually take a limp penis as a very personal insult.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

What if they did, say so up front? Would that be a deal breaker for JoAnn?

 

I guess my point is. What if a guy said has E.D. problems beforehand and says. 'Sometimes it works and sometimes not".

 

Would an attempt still be made if there was a connection between her and a potential playmate?

[funnewthings 15]

I had this happen to me. Twice! The first, has problems getting it up on a regular, and didnt let us know... the second: They didnt tell us until AFTER playtime began, and his wife couldnt get him up. Then we find out he has NO FEELING in any of his extremities.

 

Not cool. As I am not in this to just watch, or to fix your sex problems.

 

So far BOTH couples we have played with had this problem. I think you should be upfront with people about it, as it is very unfair to lead someone on, then not be able to follow through. It made me feel bad about myself, esp since I had no clue as to what was going on.

 

That would be like having a landscaper come over and he tells you he doesn't have a lawn mower!

[TravlParty 87]

Yes!

 

Unfortunately, we've heard about this happening way too much from the females we know. They're frustrated and feeling they're not attractive enough. Situational ED is understandable. If the man has problems in a crowd, when others are watching or in a group situation, then please let the other couple know. There are always ways to get more privacy.

 

Ask your doctor for samples, just to see if it will help.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

fun4Ds said:

What if they did, say so up front? Would that be a deal breaker for JoAnn?

 

I guess my point is. What if a guy said has E.D. problems beforehand and says. 'Sometimes it works and sometimes not".

 

Would an attempt still be made if there was a connection between her and a potential playmate?

 

JoAnn's answers: A deal-breaker -- no. Sometimes it works, sometime not: OK with her. Would an attempt still be made -- yes.

[good times 991]

In my opinion it kind of depends. If the guy has a problem that he can never get an erection, then yes, I would think he would be obligated to let prospective play partners know that up front.

 

On the other hand, we have never met anyone that had such a problem. Usually, in our experience at least, we have found that a lot of guys occasionally have a problem getting it up in play situations. In fact, it has happened to me once in a while. In that case, telling someone you may have a problem ahead of time would usually be a deal breaker, so I doubt many would do it, nor would I expect them to. The fact is, if they tell someone ahead of time that they may, or may not get it up, in most cases, they probably wouldn't get many folks to agree to play with them. Additionally, telling people that would be setting themselves up for failure, because if you don't have self confidence going in, it is almost guaranteed that you will have problems later. Let's face it here, I would guess that at least 90% of the guys in the lifestyle will have a failure to perform at some point. It is not a question of if it is going to happen, but rather a question of when.

 

The fact is, from my experience, some times a guy has a failure to rise to the occasion for no apparent reason, other times it is obvious to him why it isn't happening. In those cases it can be a number of reasons like, to tired, to late in the evening, had a hard day and can't get mentally focused, to much to drink, to many distractions, and even though he would never say so to a playmate, sometimes the woman is just not doing it for him. In all of those instances though, the guy didn't know it was going to happen ahead of time. So, realistically, their would be no way to warn someone in advance.

 

I hope this does not seem to harsh a thing to say, but if it is happening that playmates are failing to perform more often than not, it could very well be a problem with the woman's approach. Frankly, after a guy has gained some experience in the lifestyle, more often than not, failure to perform is usually because the woman just isn't turning him on. Not always, but I believe that is often the case. If that is suspected, maybe a little self evaluation and change of approach can fix the problem. We like to be politically correct and say that it is never the woman's problem, but that would be a lie. In my experience, if I am having performance problems now days, it is either that I can't get into it because I have had a hard day, or, more often than not, the woman is just not as exiting in the play room as I had anticipated.

 

On the other hand, guys that are new to swinging will often find that the excitement of it all is distracting enough to make performance a problem. In this case, if you are having fun with the guy otherwise, usually this problem clears up on its own with time and familiarity. So it isn't unusual for someone to have a problem one time and the next time everything works out fine.

 

But if you want to almost guarantee that a guy will have performance problems, just bring the subject up ahead of time. Not often, but a couple of times in the past, a woman making a big deal about guys not being able to get it up with her before we went to the play room, has resulted in me feeling so much pressure to perform that their was no way I could keep it up. Now days, if a woman that I haven't played with before brings the subject up to me, it is pretty much a deal breaker for me, as I don't want to set myself up to fail. And while I hate to admit it, if a woman says she has a constant problems with guys not being able to perform, I will assume she probably isn't that fun in the play room.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Should a man having ED declare in advance?

 

I don't know actually Michael and Jo Ann. I have to think if I couldn't get it up, I would want to comfort a woman to where she was quite sure, it was me, not her.

 

First of all, I think it would be rude on my part to just rely on a woman to make it happen. I just learned to make sure,that I look for women that I am quite sure do it for me.... Before we play I know my arousal... If I were to just take a chance, that in itself, makes me feel like I put the pressure on the woman I'm with........

 

On one hand I think yes, he should say so in advance. On the other, I feel like He maybe shouldn't have even put his partner, JoAnn, in the position of finding that out.

 

Those are my thoughts about.. ME.

 

Mrs fun is out now and I'll have to get with her on how she sees this... Its a good question. I can't say how she feels but, from my perspective, she seems to take a guys arousal pretty serious. I know she has a way of knowing what a guy needs. We are all different, so she tries to bring out a mans desires. That may be from making him feel special in a way, to..... Well, being Sluty ..... I don't know how she knows.... but she seems to know... I'm a guy, I dont need to know how she knows....

 

So, I guess I have questions just like you guys...

 

Does JoAnn feel like she can sence a playmates arasoul before hand. The men who had E.D.,... Could she sence their jitters ? Do they seem relaxed and totaly interested ?

[tribbles 490]

Should a man having ED declare in advance?

 

YES!

 

Not in the profile but early on......then the female can decide if she is good with it or would rather pass.

 

I wonder why these guys have not tried all the possibilities out there if it's an issue all the time.....(even with their partner).

 

Pills, shots and implants DO work--and I've met and played with many men using the mentioned methods.

 

If it's physical, treat it as physical and get a doctor involved!

[Chicup 41]

good times said:

I hope this does not seem to harsh a thing to say, but if it is happening that playmates are failing to perform more often than not, it could very well be a problem with the woman's approach. Frankly, after a guy has gained some experience in the lifestyle, more often than not, failure to perform is usually because the woman just isn't turning him on. Not always, but I believe that is often the case. If that is suspected, maybe a little self evaluation and change of approach can fix the problem. We like to be politically correct and say that it is never the woman's problem, but that would be a lie. In my experience, if I am having performance problems now days, it is either that I can't get into it because I have had a hard day, or, more often than not, the woman is just not as exiting in the play room as I had anticipated.

 

For once I didn't have to be the one to throw cold water on the party here, thanks GT's

 

I've come close to being erection not happenus twice and both times were directly due to the action/inaction of the woman involved. It wasn't a physical turn off, I wouldn't have gotten that far if it were, but how they acted. The worst was one where the woman might as well have been a real doll with her lack of responsiveness or reciprocation.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

SW_PA_Couple said:

...it's now three in a row who have announced themselves only after a half-hour of oral sex in a vain attempt to "get it going".

 

Have all of these men been around the same age? And were they all your age or older?

 

If so, I think that can play a role. Although men over 55 may not want to admit it, I think many don't have the ability to function as well sexually as they would like to admit (compared to when they were 35). This can be for many reasons: reduced libido, medications, health issues, poor physical condition. For these reasons I think it's particularly important to choose a playmate that appears vibrant, healthy, and fit.

 

Another thought, I have wondered if some couples get into swinging because the husband can no longer get an erection and satisfy his wife, so they decide to swing because he wants to see his wife sexually satisfied by a man who can get an erection. The husband is there hoping to satisfy his playmates through oral alone and to see his wife getting intercourse that she can't get from him.

 

LM

[JustMrJ 178]

If I'm having a problem keeping an erection while putting on a condom, but I was totally hard just prior, it's usually because there is WAY too much distraction in the room. Also, with a new playmate at a party, there is not always time to get to know that person's preferences and turn-ons/turn-offs.

 

With me, sometimes it's the woman's technique (too rough, too aggressive, unresponsive to my attentions, etc.) or again, fatigue on my part or distractions.

 

I'm working on the distractions part, but at bigger parties, I'm seriously considering the big V or something else.

 

My wife has had one or two of her regular playmates have this issue and it's usually fatigue with someone we've played with before. Fourth or Fifth in line can sometimes get you the 'short end of the stick' if you'll pardon the pun.

 

All in all, there are a lot of factors and not all play will be 'hard enough' for some.

 

When I'm energetic, comfortable and really turned on... I get rock hard. Other times...

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

LikeMinds321 said:

Have all of these men been around the same age? And were they all your age or older?

 

These men range 45 to 55. But to reiterate the question, she is wondering why a man would wait so long to reveal the situation.

 

Expressing gratitude to all of you who have lent advice and given information, she wants me to pose an extra question. How would it be taken if she or I simply asked, "Can you get it up and keep it up?" Or maybe asked the question a little more diplomatically. We have encountered one man who has ED and with whom JoAnn has had great fun. But this men came right out with his information. The fun still went ahead.

[socolais 696]

How would it be taken if she or I simply asked, "Can you get it up and keep it up?" Or maybe asked the question a little more diplomatically.

 

I think that question would make me wonder about the "fun factor" of the woman.

 

... if a woman says she has a constant problems with guys not being able to perform, I will assume she probably isn't that fun in the play room.

 

Isn't that what "soft swing" is all about? Is that how it got its name???

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

These men range 45 to 55. But to reiterate the question, she is wondering why a man would wait so long to reveal the situation.

 

I think if the guy knows in advance that there's no chance of him getting it up he should be upfront and honest. But the truth of swinging is that many times they don't know until they are in the middle of the situation. It may be that they just aren't comfortable with her yet or that the situation around them for whatever reason is keeping them from getting it up. The situation you described where the guy couldn't even get it up with his wife... should have been revelaed up front (in their ad).

 

How would it be taken if she or I simply asked, "Can you get it up and keep it up?" Or maybe asked the question a little more diplomatically. We have encountered one man who has ED and with whom JoAnn has had great fun. But this men came right out with his information. The fun still went ahead.

 

I think that question posed to a guy who typically could get/keep it up would probably make him feel a bit ill at ease... at the least and most likely make him feel like "great she's going to be hard to please".

 

I'll equate it to a completely non-sexual situation. I have rolling veins so I can be very difficult to get blood out of. Even worse if I'm remotely dehydrated... as seemed to be the case 90% of the times anyone tried to take blood in the last few months. In one case as one of the lab people came in I made a comment like "You're good at this right? You're going to stick me on the first try." And that comment sent a nurse who is normally good at finding veins to have to stick me 4 times before she finally got blood and even once she found a vein she couldn't seem to get it to give her blood. I jinxed it.

 

I have a feeling that asking a guy a question like "can you get/keep it up?" would jinx it for the guys who can... or at least a good percentage of them.

[good times 991]

SW_PA_Couple said:

How would it be taken if she or I simply asked, "Can you get it up and keep it up?" Or maybe asked the question a little more diplomatically.

 

JustAskJulie said:

I think that question posed to a guy who typically could get/keep it up would probably make him feel a bit ill at ease... at the least and most likely make him feel like "great she's going to be hard to please".

 

I'll equate it to a completely non-sexual situation. I have rolling veins so I can be very difficult to get blood out of. Even worse if I'm remotely dehydrated... as seemed to be the case 90% of the times anyone tried to take blood in the last few months. In one case as one of the lab people came in I made a comment like "You're good at this right? You're going to stick me on the first try." And that comment sent a nurse who is normally good at finding veins to have to stick me 4 times before she finally got blood and even once she found a vein she couldn't seem to get it to give her blood. I jinxed it.

 

I have a feeling that asking a guy a question like "can you get/keep it up?" would jinx it for the guys who can... or at least a good percentage of them.

 

Julie is exactly right here, I can't tell you how often I have seen this happen. Just recently at the club we heard a woman kind of jokingly say to a guy that the last guy she played with couldn't get it up. Later in the evening we then heard her complaining to someone else how that guy couldn't keep it up either. With her comments before they went to the play room it was no surprise to us that the guy couldn't perform.

 

 

SW_PA_Couple said:

We have encountered one man who has ED and with whom JoAnn has had great fun. But this men came right out with his information. The fun still went ahead.

 

This, on the other hand is totally different, if he brings it up ahead of time it is usually a good sign. I will often do this if I have had a hard day or it is late and I am a bit tired. In that case I will tell the woman as much and let her know that it may take longer than usual for me to be "up to the task".

[LFM2 1,482]

As a female, I am more apt to be more lenient with a man who is upfront about his ED problem. There are other ways to enjoy sex without penetration with a penis. Isn't that what some toys were made for?

 

However, I can be really pissy if we're in the middle of things and only after he can't get it up he mentions that he has ED problems. I can bet there wouldn't be a second time.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

socolais said:

Isn't that what "soft swing" is all about? Is that how it got its name???

 

You know, I always wondered what that meant.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

JustAskJulie said:

I have a feeling that asking a guy a question like "can you get/keep it up?" would jinx it for the guys who can... or at least a good percentage of them.

 

Hmmm. As a man, I sense that you have gone right to the core of the question. I guess I just have to ask myself what might happen if a woman said to me, "How often do you have a failure to launch?" For the public record, it has happened to me.

[twohots4u2 188]

Not being able to get an erection is a very personal, ego related thing to a guy. To a guy, the letdown feeling is equivalent to someone telling a woman she has ugly breasts, or does not look sexy.

 

Unfortunately, some women are very insensitive to the problem. I have intermittent ED. I use meds, but sometimes even they do not work. I generally let a woman know in advance that I may have a problem and it is not her fault. I have a very talented tongue and let them know that I will love to give them multiple orgasms. But, I let them know that if I cannot get it up, I am very happy with having another guy join us and take over that part, after I have her very hot and ready.

 

Now, the bad and the good parts. I had a woman tell me. "I have never had a guy who could not get hard. What is wrong with you? Aren't you a man?" Another one said, "I don't play with guys with limp dicks." However, these were just vanilla women I was dating, not women in the lifestyle. I have found women in the lifestyle very understanding and considerate. One even told me she thought she could make me cum even though I couldn't get hard, and she did.

[The Fuse 1,012]

One even told me she thought she could make me cum even though I couldn't get hard, and she did.

 

Wow, how does that work?

 

For the OP, I would want to know in advance if there were a frequent problem with erection. Then, whether I would want to proceed would depend on how much I liked the guy in general and how much he turned me on. Earlier in our experience, we were with a couple where I had a huge crush on the guy. He never got it up until our third play date. It's not that I didn't care, but I just enjoyed being with him a lot regardless because he gave me butterflies.

 

However, I do have to say that when I play with a man, in general I want to have him hard and inside. So if someone declared in advance that they had ED, in many cases I would probably pass. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is the truth... turning it around, if I couldn't fuck for medical reasons, I expect that would make me less attractive as a swing partner, at least with a full swap couple.

[Chicup 41]

The Fuse said:

So if someone declared in advance that they had ED, in many cases I would probably pass. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is the truth... turning it around, if I couldn't fuck for medical reasons, I expect that would make me less attractive as a swing partner, at least with a full swap couple.

 

We would too for a couple of reasons. One is that Mrs. Chicup already has one of those unfounded self image problems that so many women get and while she may know intellectually its his problem, emotionally I wouldn't trust her to not blame herself a little bit. Another is that while we don't play swinging score card, I can't imagine it being a good feeling for her knowing I'm going at it while she is basically soft swapping.

 

As Fuse said, if we were with a new couple where for some reason the woman was unable to perform we would pass, so why shouldn't it apply to the males as well?

[Precocious 94]

There are medications out there for ED. Viagra and Cialis both work for most men. ED itself is not as simple as not getting an erection. There are other things involved.

 

Men expect other men to be able to perform. Women expect men to be able to perform. And a man expects himself to be able to perform. Period. That's not fair. I'm sorry but sometimes I don't get as wet as I should. I don't blame the man. With women it's all what's going on in the mind. I hate condoms, but know they have to be used. Mr.P has started to use them with me on occasion just so I can get comfortable with the feel of them.

 

I think it would be insensitive and rude to ask about ED. Period. With some forms of ED, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The man doesn't know if it will work in a particular situation. They're not robots. These are human beings, and a man who has trouble getting and/or maintaining an erection in a swinging situation has got to feel somewhat less than a man. Why make matters worse? And as I said above with women and things depending upon what's going on in their mind... in the age group we're talking about, for the men there is a lot of mental and psychological things that affect their erections.

 

My self confidence is strong enough to know that it's not me. I don't swing to build my confidence. I know better than to take it personally. I guess I'm a grown-up. I would not take it personally if a man could not get or maintain an erection. I would be sensitive to HIS ego because my God women, saying the wrong thing could make things even worse for the man. There are expectations in society that men are always ready. Well..... ummmm, maybe at 25. The 45 - 55+ age group is not a generation where condom use was prevalent. Condoms were not typically used when that generation was younger and more sexually active. In 20 years, I'd bet going soft when putting on a condom will not really be an issue for the men because they grew up with it more or less being the norm.

 

We may only soft swing, but my introduction to swinging was not soft. It was during a period where Mr.P and I were separated. One man did have issues with his erection when it came time to put on the condom. A little help and a cock ring helped.

 

For us it's not all about the fuck. I do know for some it is. But because for us that's not what it's all about, there is less performance anxiety, less expectations for "perfection". The people we play with are our friends. We have a small circle of people we play with. These people can come have dinner with us in our house and know that if play happens, cool, but if not, we've enjoyed each others company and we'll get together again. If something happens and babysitting did not work out as wanted, hell, bring the kids for supper. We have Nintendo and computer games and high speed internet in an area where being able to get high-speed sometimes isn't possible. We have horses and dogs and cats. Most of the children don't want to go home when its time. Most of them get bummed out when it DOES work out for their parents to come here without them. But again, it's not all about sex. Not for us. It's about people. It's about life and friendship and feeling good about ourselves on ALL levels, not just a sexual level. Mr.P. has to have a high level of comfort and trust to full-swing. We're building that with our new friends. He's getting more comfortable with the people we are with. Maybe some day we will just be able to meet a couple and fuck, but right now we don't want to.

[willyoats 324]

One of the first experiences we ever had was with a couple where the guy said quite early that he had trouble getting an erection. We went anyway. He was one of the few guys who ever took the time to get my wife off.

 

I don't know if they ever actually screwed because I was busy with his wife.

 

Bottom line: a guy with ED may still have a lot to offer.

 

Footnote: The wife was a squirter, which I did not know before we started. When she came in the 69 position with my tongue on her clit, I got a snootful of liquid. It was urine, I presume. It was actually not all that objectionable.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

willyoats said:

Bottom line: a guy with ED may still have a lot to offer..

 

Affirmative on that, willyoats. JoAnn is happy with a man as long as he is not full of surprises and is fun to be with.

 

willyoats said:

Footnote: The wife was a squirter, which I did not know before we started. When she came in the 69 position with my tongue on her clit, I got a snootful of liquid. It was urine, I presume. It was actually not all that objectionable.

 

Double affirmation. I don't care what the nature of the fluid is. It just means that my woman friend is having a good time. Bravo!