Open Marriage?

[LokisFemaleHalf 15]

Who on this site can define open marriage for me? I think that the definition I have a grasp on is skewed. I would appreciate the official definition

[slevin 1,374]

I don't think there is an official definition; there are so many permutations of swinging and open relationships that it's just not easy to make firm definitions. To me an open marriage is a relationship where both spouses see other people on their own. Whether that is just a sexual relationship or also an emotional relationship is separate, but an important distinction. That's not an official definition though.

 

What is your definition?

[rpu3 630]

Trying to define open marriage is like trying to define swinging - there's no "official" definition. We've been there and done that merry-go-round already on both defining open marriage and swinging on this board - just search for "open marriage".

 

Personally, it's not worth defining - there's nothing more annoying to me than someone who doesn't swing or doesn't live in an open marriage trying to tell others how it is defined or practiced. I like having a rule book and can see why people like definitions, but this is one area that it just doesn't make sense to bother.

 

Wikipedia, which of course isn't exactly an authority, has a decent general definition: "Open marriage typically refers to a marriage in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships, without this being regarded as infidelity. There are many different styles of open marriage, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities."

 

How you define it is going to be up to you and yours, and your experiences and your decisions.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

That's a good question Sif. It will be interesting to see how people in an open marriage define themselves. I think sometimes we would be best described as an alternative marriage/relationship. From, there we touch base with many variations and meet people with different variations....

[BiloxiCouple 695]

From Wikipedia

 

History of the Term

The origins of the term open marriage remain obscure. Researchers in the 1960s used the term open marriage to describe individual freedom in choosing marriage partners.[1][2] Closed marriage meant individuals had to marry someone based on social prohibitions and social prescriptions. Open marriage meant individuals could choose to marry someone based on personal preferences.

 

Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill changed the meaning of the term with the 1972 publication of their book Open Marriage, which sold over 1.5 million copies. The O'Neills conceived open marriage as one in which each partner has room for personal growth and can develop outside friendships. Most chapters in the book dealt with non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled "Love Without Jealousy", devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage could include some forms of sexuality with other partners. These concepts entered the cultural consciousness and the term "open marriage" became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage, much to the regret of the O'Neills. In the 1977 publication of The Marriage Premise, Nena O'Neill advocated sexual fidelity in the chapter of that name. By then however, the concept of open marriage as sexually non-monogamous marriage had gained a life of its own.

 

Today, with many committed couples not seeking formal marriage, the term is frequently generalized to 'open relationship' or 'responsible non-monogamy'. The concept of being sexually open versus closed is also sometimes applied to triads or other groups larger than two.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Found the above on a Google Search for ( "Open Marriage" ) there seemed to be thousands of hits.

 

I believe an open marriage is going to be how you and your other half define it.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Trusting, and being trusted to, take advantage of opportunities offered?

[Mr.Essex 264]

My opinion? Being in a marriage is like having two bags of cookies. For some people, their bags are small or spare, so they're unable/unwilling to share their cookies with anyone besides their partner. For other people, their bags are full and of a good size, so the idea of sharing a cookie or two with someone who has a unique type of cookie (and is not in a position to demand more than the odd cookie) seems logical and a bit exciting. And for a select few people, their bags are overflowing with cookies and it makes sense to give a cookie or two to people who manage to hold their interest, or to people who have delicious cookies of their own, or just to get ideas for new recipes. Either way, the important idea in my analogy is to always make sure that your primary partner has his or her fill of your cookies. Or, obviously, being given permission to enjoy other peoples' cookies if/when your partner realizes that his or her bag is empty.

[CallMeLoki 32]

I agree that an "open marriage" is what you and your partner define it to be. It's whatever works for you as a couple. The issues arise when one partner breaks the rules you've defined, hides important facts from you, etc. I think that "swinging" is intrinsicly fair because you either do it together or you don't do it at all. Open marriage involves even more trust...you have to trust your partner to be open, honest, and fair to you, and if they do not it quickly goes to hell in a handbasket.

 

Loki

[willyoats 324]

I found the O'neill's book on my in-law's book shelf. That was a great hint that my wife maybe had inherited pretty good genes.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think that "swinging" is intrinsicly fair because you either do it together or you don't do it at all. i

 

Not true. Many couples choose to swing seperately. Open marriage is just one of many subsets of swinging when it all boils down. The key to making any of the forms of swinging work in a relationship is going to be honesty and communication. In an open marriage situation those two things become even more important because the two parties are not always/often/typically together when engaging in said activities.

[HornyCouple 15]

my definition would be

 

Open Marriage - seeking 'relationships' outside marriage beyond that of sex.

 

Swinging/other - seeking sexual encounters outside marriage w/ or w/o partner for fun. granted there is some sort of relationship w/ those you might swing with but there is a line you do not cross.

[Nitati 28]

We have tried the modern-day standard definition of "open-marriage" and it sucked. Involving single, vanilla people in a marriage in which both partners, thousands of miles apart, love and trust each other, and are dedicated and actually trying to make things work just plain led to disaster. Vanilla singles and married people who don't want to cheat or leave their spouse just plain don't mix!!!

 

We learned some very valuable lessons, and have only had sex with and completely focused on each other for over 5 years now. We still haven't had any real experience with swinging, though... but we're working on it. We've redifined and solidified our marriage, our relationship is strong, we have tons of great sex, and only want to add new sexual experiences by playing with others together. The only possible downside has been that we are now even more selective of who we want to involve in our relationship. Picky, picky us lol. As a result, though... if it (meaning the ultimate: full swap! lol) never happens for us, at least we've had some great times & revelations along the way!

[WesternSwing 504]

To me "open marriage" is an umbrella term for any kind of emotionally, sexually or both relationship. It can be whatever situation outside the accepted one-on-one type of a relationship works for that particular couple.

 

Mr. WS

[j&rcouple 42]

We think of open marriage as cheating swinging involves both husband and wife together both being satisfied wether it is mf mf,mfm or mff all have to be there

[WesternSwing 504]

We think of open marriage as cheating swinging involves both husband and wife together both being satisfied wether it is mf mf,mfm or mff all have to be there

Cheating is when only one member of the relationship is aware of the couple's "open relationship" status.

[babeandhon 15]

To me, an open marriage means that either person can have sex with anyone they want. That means they can have sex together, through swinging or they can have sex seperately without the spouse being there. I have learned a lot by reading posts on this website. One thing I did learn is that definitions are so different....and that as long as everyone is in agreement then the definition really doesn't mean that much. Who really wants to be labeled anyway????

[curiouscpl72 48]

ViSexual said:

Trusting, and being trusted to, take advantage of opportunities offered?

 

great reply! this is exactly what DH and I have embarked on,we do reveal the details of engagement on our coming together after a separate encounter...

[mwc_mich 16]

To us open refers to the communication between us more than anything else. WE have been practicing open/poly for the last 5 years and its taken many forms but the one thing that has remained the same and essential for us to live our alternate life is communication. Without that nothing would be possible!!!!

[metroman 17]

I have to weigh in on this one. To me, "Open Marriage" means each marital party may maintain a separate sex life via outside dating/sex. For an unspecific amount of time; it is fun and exhilarating; husband/wife sex can be awesome, however, the ultimate end is STOP or DIVORCE. For me it was divorce and for everyone I know who tried this. It lasted until the Mrs thought she had fallen in love with a partner - she was free and he took a hike. What was left, collateral damage of divorce and stupidity & goodbye to half of everything!

[Brian and Jo 344]

We have been enjoying what we call an open marriage for over 30 years. It has been a very successful and enjoyable experience for both of us. Of course we are active swingers as a couple but we are both free to expand our sexual experiences alone. Over the years both of us have met and played alone with many partners. We are both bisexual so our single encounters have been with both sexes. We do have a strict rule which we have always adhered to - we tell each other beforehand when we are going to have sex alone with another partner and we tell each other afterwards what happened. We feel that this communication is a reason why our open marriage has been so successful. There is no jealousy and neither of us can be accused of cheating.