Advice to Couples With Children

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There's another thread here about couples with children vs. couples without children and it got me thinking about something that was already rolling around in my head.

 

Recently we contacted a couple that has children (their ad didn't say they had children but given the age it's a safe assumption up front). We asked if they were interested and their first reply was nothing more than "yes we are interested". So we wrote back and asked about making plans to meet for dinner or drinks and gave a basic rundown of our schedule and when we are available. They wrote back with "we'll have to line up a sitter and get back to you".

 

Ok, so when are you lining a sitter up for? Should we keep our shedules open for you for the next 3 weeks? Or is my initial thought that we will probably never hear from you again correct?

 

So my advice to those of you who have children, whether you are contacting/being contacted by another couple with kids or without... when you reply back that you need to line up a sitter, try at least give an idea of when you might be considering lining up said sitter.

 

Would it be rude of me to reply back to them "When do you think you'll be lining that sitter up for?" or would that just come off as pushy (probably the latter). I've gotten internet bitch-slapped before by a couple with kids who got their panties in a wad because I suggested we line up a date to meet and they took that to mean that we should meet tomorrow and how dare we forget that they have kids and have to get a sitter.

 

So for those that have kids.... we all understand that you have kids... but you have to understand that everyone else can't be expected to just sit around waiting for your schedule to magically open up and for you to get a sitter, so you can let us know at the last minute. I'd dare say that most people with kids have a vague idea of when they might be able to get a sitter, many of you already have one scheduled for every other weekend or so. So if you want to actually meet people then be specific when trying to set up a date and don't just leave people hanging with this vague "we've got to get a sitter" excuse.

 

//end rant

[BiloxiCouple 695]

When they have to "line up" a baby sitter, it probably means a soft no? It's not like they have to start interviewing and doing background checks to find a babysitter to go out swinging or on a date or just to get out of the house. They got one somewhere.

 

We always had a couple of babysitters available. What else are kids good for? Ours are grown and gone now. We may be the babysitters before too long:eek:

 

It seems lots of people want to swing until called on it and then they come up with lots of excuses not to.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

 

It seems lots of people want to swing until called on it and then they come up with lots of excuses not to.

 

We've run into this a few times with couples online. They are interested until you expect them to actually meet. Evidently kids make for great for excuses too.

[redgirlwithfrec 33]

Would it be rude of me to reply back to them "When do you think you'll be lining that sitter up for?" or would that just come off as pushy (probably the latter).

 

We have kids and do not think it would be rude at all. In fact it was more rude of them to just leave you hanging like that and ff they do not want to meet then they should just say so.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

It might be better to say, "when you line up a babysitter, call". Instead of trying to ask "when do you think you'll line up a babysitter?"

[Spokaneman 15]

me and my wife not only have kids, but have family living with us, so our house is never an option to host. we have also not got invovled swinging yet cause of this obstical. by no means though would we give a generic answer like that and jusy leave ya hanging. it is a safe bet they were just scared and getting out of it with thier kids.

[sexcupid 809]

I would go with Biloxi on this one...more of a 'give us a few days notice when you will be available/have a sitter/etc'...because even though I have children, they are not with us all the time...but that doesn't mean that we can/will meet up with people at the drop of a hat.

 

Courtesy goes both ways.

 

Of course, kids do make convienent excuses as well...and they are also prime cootie carriers (ah, germs from school...the gift that keeps on giving )...

 

I wouldn't think it too pushy if someone asked to nail down a slightly more general time frame...but that's just me. YMMV.

[K&JIntimates 66]

I'd have to say that you are right. Most people with kids should have some idea as to when they would be able to get out to meet you. In this instance it could very well be that they were either not serious about swinging, one part of the couple was unsure about attraction, or they were just luke-warm in general. Is it kinda rude to answer so abruptly.....yep but what can you do?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

We are, the baby sitters this weekend A very cute little boy, by the way

 

If a certain person should want to meet this weekend.

 

We would be the baby sitters getting a baby sitter. I just dont see that as impossible.

 

If, this certain person should want to meet this weekend. ..Hint hint

[Alura 2,774]

"Lining up a sitter" can be more difficult than a lot of free couples might imagine, especially if you plan to be out late. Teenagers are usually available only on weekends, and many have to be home early even then. When our kids were young we usually matched our play with weekends the kids would be staying with their grandparents. Our playmates understood.

 

"Drop In" day care centers are available but sometimes scary and always expensive, especially if you have more than one kid. We once went to pick up our boys and found them huddled in a corner looking scared shitless. The person in charge had no idea who or where they were. We had to walk through the center and find them. When they saw us, they came running in tears. We never did that again.

 

We seldom went out without our kids. Finding a sitter was a rare and very difficult thing for us. They may not be using their kids as an excuse at all.

 

I'd suggest y'all and your friends set a target date a few of weeks in the future in order to give them time to arrange for the safe care of their children. If they're able to find a "regular" it will become easier.

 

Mr. Alura

[maggoo 23]

It could appear at first that you want them to fit into your schedule

Try what day and time would suit you and we will see if we can accommodate ie change our schedule .Specify an amount of notice you would like .

If the kidds are still a problem accept there excuse and move on .They haven't the guts to say no

Also an initial meet and greet depending on distance can be done in a lot of places with very little expense.

Can remember the time when we would quietly avoid any thing more than say macca's kfc type restaurant with just one income

They would probably bore you to tears yabbering about their rug rats and how great they are

Yeh: Time to get a real excuse

[TravlParty 87]

"when you line up a babysitter, call"

 

Love this one, and am going to steal it. This puts the ball in their court, and you can move on to looking for other compatible couples.

[Guest cpl4funindel]

We have a couple of young children, and understand scheduling can be complicated. However, you're completely correct in that they should give you some idea as to what their potential times are instead of leaving you "hanging". When someone contacts us and we're interested in meeting, we try to give a list of possible days that we're available, THEN we contact a sitter when we have some idea what may work for everyone.

 

You may be right that it's a soft no...

 

If so, it's their loss... :-)

 

P&S

[BiloxiCouple 695]

On a personal note. We didn't start swinging or "going out" till the kids were old enough to watch themselves. We did have some time to ourselves. But our priorities have always been family first and still are.

 

So if we make plans with someone to go out with them we keep the plans. If family has something going on we stay with the family no excuses. Family first.

[aklovers 19]

How ironic that you posted this. I just told a couple w/out children last night to let me know about Sunday, and I will arrange a sitter! I will definitely let whomever know up front if this would be a good weekend for us to get a sitter or not. Most of the time though I don't even bring up the sitter. Either it's a good weekend for us or not!

[jjtrindc 142]

As a couple with two small kids, it's great to get this perspective from the other side. We have a general rule about trying to exchange a few emails before meeting to try and get a general sense if we are comfortable with that couple, etc. That also gives us a chance to start exchanging potential dates so that we can find a sitter. If we are the ones taking the initiative, we'll generally say "hey, we're trying to get our sitter for X date" does that work for you?

 

At least from our perspective we feel a bit guilty about asking couples without kids to plan for a playdate two or three weekends down the road.

 

It can be a bit of a catch 22 with sitters and the lifestyle given the late nights, last minute meeting requests, making sure your sitter isn't already booked (a problem with the good ones). We are doubly challenged because we have absolutely no family around us to pitch in.

 

We find the kids/no kids discussion similar to any other as it relates to respect and compatibility. For any couple, tolerance of kids (or not), boundaries, vanilla commitments, body types, attitudes, etc has to be there if there is any chance of true compatibility.

 

If I may, I would like to throw out a website called "care.com" which has really been helpful in trying to find a sitter without going through postings at the local school or craigslist.

 

Indeed, we've long felt that there must be a business opportunity here. There must be a market for a baby-sitting service for lifestyle couples ...especially if you teamed up with a local club and made sure you had a team available to handle of the parents. Any partners out there???

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Indeed, we've long felt that there must be a business opportunity here. There must be a market for a baby-sitting service for lifestyle couples ...especially if you teamed up with a local club and made sure you had a team available to handle of the parents. Any partners out there???

 

Over the years I've seen a few clubs try to offer this service. The one thing I've learned from watching those clubs is that while it's a great idea in theory... make sure the babysitting service is offered in a seperate venue from the club... not even on the same property.

[WesternSwing 504]

For us, we have two teenage daughters and one elementary school child. The two teenagers know that at least one weekend night each week is ours and not to plan anything because they will be babysitting. This also goes for weekdays since they have school and we don't allow them to go out during the week anyway.

 

So for us, we can make definite plans. At least now. There was a time before our oldest two reached the babysitting age that we had nobody to help us out. Period. In fact, before this we didn't swing because we didn't have any life outside of the house and kids. Our kids becoming of babysitting age at the right time saved our marriage, swinging or not.

 

So do you wait? No. Tell them to get back with you with an exact date at least a week in advance and you'll work with them because you are interested in them. If they can't give you that then they are too wishy-washy to begin with and aren't worth your time.

 

Mr. WS

[TNT 1,155]

So for those that have kids.... we all understand that you have kids... but you have to understand that everyone else can't be expected to just sit around waiting for your schedule to magically open up and for you to get a sitter, so you can let us know at the last minute. I'd dare say that most people with kids have a vague idea of when they might be able to get a sitter, many of you already have one scheduled for every other weekend or so. So if you want to actually meet people then be specific when trying to set up a date and don't just leave people hanging with this vague "we've got to get a sitter" excuse.

 

Good advice!

 

Swinging when you have children is always a balancing act. Like others, we didn't really start swinging until our oldest two were old enough to babysit the younger two and we were also lucky enough that the grandparents loved having the kids for the weekend so it made it easier for us to get away for weekend adventures.

 

Surprisingly, most of the people that we hung around with and played with in the beginning didn't have children. They understood that we did and that I/we were (still are) very involved parents and never took offense if we told them we couldn't go out and party because we had kid stuff to do. They also knew that we ALWAYS took one weekend a month for us and we'd schedule play dates during that weekend.

 

We never expected anyone to sit around and wait on us...we'd throw out dates that we knew we'd be available and hope it would match up with a date they too were available.

 

I will say, it's much easier now that all the kids are grown (or mostly grown). The majority of people we hang out with and play with now either don't have children or their children are grown. Hmmm, come to think of it, I don't think we have any playmates that have small children who would need to get a babysitter.

 

Recently we contacted a couple that has children (their ad didn't say they had children but given the age it's a safe assumption up front). We asked if they were interested and their first reply was nothing more than "yes we are interested". So we wrote back and asked about making plans to meet for dinner or drinks and gave a basic rundown of our schedule and when we are available. They wrote back with "we'll have to line up a sitter and get back to you".

 

In this scenario, I would write them back and say something along the lines of "Well let us know when/if you get a sitter and if we're available we'll try to meet up" . That puts the ball in their court and lets them know that your time is also precious and you're not going to sit around and wait on them. If they write back and you want to meet...meet. If they don't write back, no big deal.

 

 

Teresa

[cari and mar 45]

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

 

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

 

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

 

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

 

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

 

Which is why I advocate that if scheduling is a major problem (like us and not because of children anymore), that you go to a club/party and do the party there. Then you won't have to worry about scheduling, babysitters or whatever. You are there to party and have a good time in a target rich environment. No re-scheduling due to conflict(s).

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Sounds like they handled it wrong, Julie.

 

Like many, we have a child. But we're very (overly?) conscience about scheduling and go out of our way to be proactive and suggest times and dates very early in the conversation.

 

The funny part is that we've gotten responses similar to what you got, only from the other direction (they don't have children). Trying to nail down a time and a place to meet for the first time can be like trying to pull teeth sometimes!

 

Personally, I think these ones that make it virtually impossible to nail them down aren't really serious about meeting at all.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

They wrote back with "we'll have to line up a sitter and get back to you". Ok, so when are you lining a sitter up for? Should we keep our shedules open for you for the next 3 weeks?

 

So my advice to those of you who have children, whether you are contacting/being contacted by another couple with kids or without... when you reply back that you need to line up a sitter, try at least give an idea of when you might be considering lining up said sitter.

 

So for those that have kids.... we all understand that you have kids... but you have to understand that everyone else can't be expected to just sit around waiting for your schedule to magically open up and for you to get a sitter, so you can let us know at the last minute. I'd dare say that most people with kids have a vague idea of when they might be able to get a sitter, many of you already have one scheduled for every other weekend or so. So if you want to actually meet people then be specific when trying to set up a date and don't just leave people hanging with this vague "we've got to get a sitter" excuse.

 

Since we are in the "still need sitter" category, we would be expecting that any of the dates you provided are still going to be good for a reasonable amount of time to do the sitter scheduling. To us, reasonable would mean two daysto get something lined up (or not) and get back to you. If it didn't work out, then it didn't work out, and we wouldn't expect someone to make their schedule fit ours.

 

"Lining up a sitter" can be more difficult than a lot of free couples might imagine, especially if you plan to be out late. Teenagers are usually available only on weekends, and many have to be home early even then. Finding a sitter was a rare and very difficult thing for us. They may not be using their kids as an excuse at all.

 

I'd suggest y'all and your friends set a target date a few of weeks in the future in order to give them time to arrange for the safe care of their children. If they're able to find a "regular" it will become easier.

Mr. Alura

 

Yes it can be difficult, especially for being out late or overnight. True, it's easier to find a sitter just for a couple hours for dinner/drinks, but what if the stars align and it turns into something more? Who wants to go out and then when everything is going great, you have to leave to go home since you had a less than ideal sitter situation lined up? If we aren't sure we have the whole evening until midnight or so, we probably won't go.

 

The thing about sitters is they come and go. If you don't have any family around and are depending on teens,etc. about the time you find a good one who is available for overnight stays, doesn't cancel at the last minute, etc. they go and grow up on you and get a boyfriend, go to college, or whatever and you are back to square one.

 

The one thing I've learned from watching those clubs is that while it's a great idea in theory... make sure the babysitting service is offered in a seperate venue from the club... not even on the same property.

 

uh......yeah?!

[realcplub2 513]

Well, its an interesting debate.

 

It was actually easier for us when ours were smaller/younger, Because, the only schedule they had was the one we gave them.. then the teens hit..

 

Between Football games, Dances, plays, hanging out with friends, and being the taxi service.. Its been more of a bitch to be able to plan, three times in the past two months we were making plans to have one of our "get away weekends" only to have one or the others plans throw ours out the window..

 

And Spokaan.. We have the same situ here.. Note the above.. Get AWAY weekend.. even if its only a Saturday night..

 

We make plans, set our "dates", and when the time comes to go, we have already explained to house guests, kiddies.. even the family dog.. we are leaving at 4, and wont be home til tomorrow afternoon..

 

If, a "Date" goes well, there is never a question of WHERE.. Besides, given the DUI charges, and implications, we have a nice dinner somewhere, and if drinks are in order, head back to the hotel bar.. No driving, just stumbling up to a room..

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

we would be expecting that any of the dates you provided are still going to be good for a reasonable amount of time to do the sitter scheduling.

 

that's the problem there was never any dates defined. Here's the actual email exchange (via SLS):

 

To preface, we had initially emailed them in July with no response at all. Then upon seeing their profile again and reading their comments wondering if anyone was real (yes this is the same couple I referred to in another thread), I wrote them again.... this is the exchange:

 

 

Us: We are real and are interested. Let us know if you are or not.

Them: We are interested.

Us: We could meet for dinner or drinks pretty much anytime. We are typically available on weeknights as well as weekends. For the next couple of weeks, weeknights are better. Let us know what works for you.

Them: We will give you a shout. We will have to arrange a sitter and such .

----------------

 

We realize that most people in our age range do have kids so we try to be as open as possible and realize that their schedule is probably much more restrictive than ours... therefore we try to leave it to them to be more specific on dates. Perhaps that's our downfall.

[pervgeeks 119]

We try to make things very simple for people. We have children, but it is our second marriage, so we make plans on the Saturdays our exes have the kids. The oldest though is 17 and she can babysit on occasion, but she has a job and her own life, so that requires planning but we can sometimes use that if our available times are simple not workable for the other party. We have some friends that are ONLY available weekdays and we've been trying to get together with them again. We're now looking at February for a workable date lol.

 

I think for those with young kids who have to get babysitters, the best and most considerate thing to do is plan in advance well with people to nail down a specific date, tell them you have to get a sitter, and then once that's lined up, confirm it again. It's rude to expect people to sit around in limbo forever when other plans could be made.

[slevin 1,374]

Julie: If I'm being totally honest (pun from that other thread recently lol), while they were presumptuous to not suggest a timeframe or indicate that they understood you guys have busy lives as well, the way you worded your second email almost makes it out like you're free anytime during those time windows. I can see how they might take away from it that if they can find a sitter within those windows that you will be free to go out with them.

 

We wouldn't just assume that ourselves, but I can see how someone might interpret it that way.

[amid 91]

Something else to consider in this day and age of children.. we love the lifestyle, are not hesitant at all about it. However we have two children (twins). We do not live in a "development" and most of our nieces and nephews are grown and away at school. In short our babysitter work pool is so shallow it's almost a puddle. To complicate matters our son has ADHD/Aspergers he is only slightly ranking on the Asperger's scale however it still creates it's own set of complications for a sitter scenario. We have had to cancel plans on several occasions due to some of these complications. It's frustrating for both of us so I can imagine what it would be like with a potential playmate. If you contacted us we would most likely have to leave a playdate wide open.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Us: We are real and are interested. Let us know if you are or not.

Them: We are interested.

Us: We could meet for dinner or drinks pretty much anytime. We are typically available on weeknights as well as weekends. For the next couple of weeks, weeknights are better. Let us know what works for you.

Them: We will give you a shout. We will have to arrange a sitter and such .

 

If they truly are real and interested, then they have a funny way of showing it. I think someone who was would have come back with more than that each time. At least "we are interested, maybe meet for dinner/drinks sometime soon? What's your schedule look like?" Something other than basically a short yes throwing the ball back in your court, and then when you replied, they came back with a noncommittal we'll get back to you.

 

the way you worded your second email almost makes it out like you're free anytime during those time windows. I can see how they might take away from it that if they can find a sitter within those windows that you will be free to go out with them. We wouldn't just assume that ourselves, but I can see how someone might interpret it that way.

 

We wouldn't assume that either, but I can see how someone might I guess. Given that, we'd still reply back to confirm that assumption before we went to the trouble of lining up a sitter.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have NO idea how people find the time when their kids are little. I don't think we would have even entertained that thought when our kids were younger. Due to school concerts, debate meets, cheerleader practice and other extracurricular activities they had, we wouldn't have had the time!!

 

Our youngest was a junior in high school when we started playing. No worries about babysitting or lining up a favorable time.

 

The only thing we worried about was our job schedules which can be weird because I work the night shift and he works during the day. Sometimes sleep just has to take precedence.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I have NO idea how people find the time when their kids are little. I don't think we would have even entertained that thought when our kids were younger. Due to school concerts, debate meets, cheerleader practice and other extracurricular activities they had, we wouldn't have had the time!!

 

Our youngest was a junior in high school when we started playing. No worries about babysitting or lining up a favorable time.

 

The only thing we worried about was our job schedules which can be weird because I work the night shift and he works during the day. Sometimes sleep just has to take precedence.

 

 

Ya'll sound like use almost to a T! It was baseball, football and other activities. When the kids were old enough to watch themselves we started going out. She sleeps during the day and I sleep in the early evening. We never see each other until days off!

[ownerspet 506]

It might be better to say, "when you line up a babysitter, call". Instead of trying to ask "when do you think you'll line up a babysitter?"

 

 

While it would be a good way to put the ball back in their court, I have this fear of the inconsiderate couple that is going to call us or email us the day of or worse a couple of hours before they are available.

 

Don't get me wrong, we've made decisions to go hang out with people at the last minute. However, what if we already have plans, they can't really expect us to drop our plans on short notice.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Put the ball back in their court with a small stipulation of a couple day notice for you to. It's only considerate when trying to make plans with someone.

[LFM2 1,482]

I have this fear of the inconsiderate couple that is going to call us or email us the day of or worse a couple of hours before they are available.

 

No freakin' way?! Do people really do this? Back in the day that I did use babysitters, I could line one up 5 days ahead of time. Have things changed that dramatically that you might only get one "at the last minute"?

 

Secondly, I can't believe that some people would really be that inconsiderate. Oh wait... yes I can. I think it's what a lot of the adult world has come to.

[K&JIntimates 66]

Looks like K and I are going to be the flakey couple with kids this weekend. We had lined up a babysitter 10 days ago so that we could meet this couple we met online this weekend. On Monday our babysitter says there might be a conflict but she'll see what she can do. Last night she's telling us that we'll have to change our plans because she can't change hers...BS...she's just unwilling to cancel.

 

This is my SIL, she knew we wanted to go out and agreed 10 days ago now all of a sudden we're expected to not only change our plans but WATCH HER KID TOO!

 

If we don't have this hashed out tonight I'm going to have to cancel reservations, contact the other couple and try to reschedule....and pray they don't think we're flakes.

 

Okay, rant over.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Maybe she has a play date set up also?

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--We have Swing friends that have two children. This may not work for you, but it has for them. They have three sitters that they can contact, they pay $15 an hour. The result is they always have a sitter. There is a website babysitters.com that may be helpful as well.

 

While it may not be practical for a lot of people, you can 'buy' your way out of this problem.

 

Lastly, they never use 'family' for a Swing night since one out of three times they cancel.

[cari and mar 45]

Susan here--We have Swing friends that have two children. This may not work for you, but it has for them. They have three sitters that they can contact, they pay $15 an hour. The result is they always have a sitter. There is a website babysitters.com that may be helpful as well.

 

While it may not be practical for a lot of people, you can 'buy' your way out of this problem.

 

Lastly, they never use 'family' for a Swing night since one out of three times they cancel.

 

Thanks - we may have to look into that more. Just browsing though a couple of profiles though, it seems like the challenge might be the same as what we have: finding a sitters to stay out much past midnight. Anyone tried an overnight sitter?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Just browsing though a couple of profiles though, it seems like the challenge might be the same as what we have: finding a sitters to stay out much past midnight. Anyone tried an overnight sitter?

 

Yes, and they are damn hard to find. Since for that you need someone a little more mature and reliable, that usually means an older teen, and by that time they are winding down their babysitting career and about the time you find a good one, they get a boyfriend, a real job, go to college, etc.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Somehow the subject of babysitter issues came up with a couple we were out with last night and they mentioned talking to a couple with kids who has now posted in their profile that due to lack of good babysitter they are taking turns playing solo. No offense to those that do, but if we had kids I think I'd rather wait for them to get old enough to stay overnight by themselves before I went that route.