singles finding love in the lifestyle?
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By HollySwinger
Hi friendly swingers of the internet! My husband and I are active swingers who go to events, have a good circle of swinger friends, and have been in the LS for a number of years. This is my first time turning to a more anonymous message board because I'm not sure how to talk about this with my swinger friends...at the risk of coming across as high maintenance :/
We were in a pretty intimate poly relationship with another couple for almost two years. Guy and I would spend the night together just the two of us, we all said I love you, got gifts for each other, spent holidays together, go on vacations together, things like that. They were not only great sexual partners, but also became our best friends. Throughout this time, we were all also swinging with other people. A number of issues arose between us, some having to do with jealousy due to outside swinging, but most significantly they moved a few hours away. So the relationship had to change.
I still feel invested. But I'm not sure how to make the adjustment from a more intimate, poly relationship to a regular swinger friendship again. Everyone else seems ready to do this, but I guess I'm not. I have plenty of great, fun, light swinger friendships...but it's hard for me to think about having this style of relationship with this particular couple. However, I don't want to be left with nothing!
Has anyone on this board dealt with "downgrading" ("reverting"?) a poly relationship back to a light, friendly swinger relationship, one where you can still play, attend parties, have group sex, etc...but not be poly anymore? Or is this just a case of pandora's box...since we went down that path, it's going to be all or nothing? Do I just enjoy the relationship for what it is now? Or do I be the drama queen who calls it quits on something I actually liked, just because it's not the same as what it once was?
In the "vanilla" world, when you break up with someone, you don't typically have sex with them again, and again, and again. So what's a swinger (and in this case, poly) girl to do?
TL; DR: It's hard for me to swing with my ex-poly bf. Can the "backwards" transition from poly bf/gf to lighthearted swinger friend work?
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By km34
This post in another thread got me thinking... In my mind "friends first" swinging and poly are two completely different things, but other people apparently think of them as one and the same. What does everyone else think?
To expand on my views (the rest of the post is purely my opinion ).. Everyone I have met who wants to be friends first is looking more for a sense of safety by knowing people a bit before having sex. Whether or not this is legit or not is another topic, but it's something that people believe. Also, friends first folks tend to want to be more open about swinging - having that couple or two or five that you swing with AND hang out with gives you the chance to talk about swinging, be yourselves, and generally not have to be in the closet about it. At least every once in a while. Having a friendship makes things a bit more comfortable for some.
Polyamory, on the other hand, is actually looking for romantic love. I love my friends, but that doesn't mean I'm in a poly relationship with all of them. On SLS, I mention that we are looking for friends, but we do not consider anyone we meet on SLS (or other swinging sites) as people with whom we could potentially have a real, whole, romantic relationship.
I guess my general question is - Is this a common thought in people's minds? When you see someone looking for "friends first" does your mind automatically go to poly/relationships/too invested?
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By intuition897
Watched this and thought the coverage was pretty good in spite of the reporter's obvious disdain. The comments are always a riot. They were old comments, but I replied to some of them. Can't seem to help myself.
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By Flori_DAMAN
A dime per dozen. This has been the value placed on single men repeatedly.
Are single men really worthless?
Aren't we all just people? I am apparently the pendulem of swingers. Having lost my mate to death after 10 years of swinging I was shocked at the way I was treated.
She died suddenly. Suddenly I was an outcast in the very society that we had embraced.
I am sure that divorced single men have gone through the same process.
I don't harbor any ill feelings whatsoever though because we were the same way as a couple. When the mate left the package deal was different. We showed no sympathy toward the single guy that lost his wife. Now he was just a horny single guy. Little did I know I would be there soon.
At first I was very angry though. When I managed to find a female I was again welcomed with open arms to the clubs that I frequented.
That is the way of the world though. The knockout rate will get you if you let it.
It appears that I am single again. I wish to publicly have my name changed to Flori_DAMAN and if Julie will let me do it then I will appreciate it.
I know that Julie does not like to have name changes because it can confuse people. However considering that I have changed status and states and I have posted for a long time I think it would be appropriate, but its ok if not.
I would also like to offer assistance to both single guys and married couples that like single guys.
I am prepared to do a topic within this board that addresses the plight of both single males in the lifestyle and couples that seek single males.
If my name continues to be michigancouple then thats OK.
I don't want to change policies, but I do want to create a system that makes it less risky and more comfortable to engage with single men in my little tiny way.
First of all I would like to really get to the nuts and bolts of single males.
Personally I am not going to be swinging for quite some time unless I get really lucky, which I don't see happening.
I would very much like to offer an exchange of feelings concerning single men and couples seeking them in the lifestyle.
Do to the disparaging remarks so often heard, (i.e. a dime a dozen), about single males I think the quality, (which is reconizably most are married screwballs and single guys that can't get any), of true lifestyle single males should be recognized.
I would like to be a spokesperson so to speak within this board to both defend the true lifestyle single male and the true couple seeking them.
A good single man in the lifestyle is not worth a dime per dozen. He is worth some very good times.
They are though truly hard to find.
You can't really hope to go to the bar or the next superbowl party to just have someone fuck your wife and think its safe.
My feelings are that a good single male that should be considered has qualities beyond the average single male that is just looking to dump a load.
He may have experience in the lifestyle or just be genuinely intrigued by it.
He may be a good looking man with lots of charisma or he may be an average guy with no desire to have a long lasting commitment due to his status.
Maybe he is in between relationships and just wants to share himself.
They are agreeably easier to find than the elusive single female but how do you know what he is up to?
Is there any way to screen this guy?
I believe so.
I have preached on safety of meeting single males for a very long time. You should never meet without making him realize that he is indeed the lower status until you meet and verify his reality.
You should take extreme caution. No holds barred. Don't meet him at your house or in a non-public place....blah blah blah.
Some of the issues I hope to address are:
How do you deal with single men at swingers clubs, (which I personally feel is the safest place).
How do you screen single men online?
How do you meet single men in the real world and know that the reprucussions of the meeting won't cause problems?
What do you really want in a single male?
And for you single guys:
Why do you want to swing?
Do you realize the impact you may have if you do something that is out of bounds?
Many things that are totally acceptable with couples are not acceptable with single males.
If you have the mindset that you are among the "dime a dozen" guys then you will have desperation written all over your face.
Single guys are horribly trod upon in the lifestyle.
Guys that call themselves swingers and are just looking for a piece of ass are the reason. Most (around 95% in my feeling), are married or just looking to get there rocks off. They have no clue to the swingers mindset.
I hope to somehow seperate single men that have no clue to the reality of the lifestyle.
I will post some polls that deal with what single men and couples that seek them really think.
If you are a single man that is just looking to cheat behind her back then don't respond.
If you are a couple that feel single males have no place in the lifestyle then don't respond. Because you don't have any interest in single lifestyle males anyhow.
I would like to hear from both single males and couples that truly seek them.
I would like advice on how to design the polls.
I would also like to know if and why you consider that being "a dime a dozen" could be construed as insulting.
John
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By Tortured_Soul
I have been with a few women in my life... I guess around here, who hasn't? I don't consider myself to be a swinger but I have swapped partners a few times (albeit 99% of the time it's the same couple). The thing I am in total love with this woman, she is 10 years older than me and she is beautiful, hell I'd go as far as saying she is perfect... in every sense of the word. The problem is this... we are both married with children...and she is my wife's best friend... oucha, I know.
Now, this is what I want from you guys, I want to hear about times that you felt like this. Was it always just fucking -or- were there times that you just felt like that one particular person might just be the one?
Help me get out of this haze I am in...
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