He hasn't been able to get an erection...

[Guest Unregistered]

My husband and I just started swinging about a year ago, and have had alot of good times as well as our share of personal emotions to overcome. I tend to be a bit on the jealous side at times, but am working past those feelings more and more.

 

Here is my dilema. My husband and I are a full swap couple, with me also bi. We had met this couple a couple months ago. They are very nice and fun to hang out with, even on a vanilla level. We've played with them twice now, and both times, my husband has been able to full swap with the wife, she and I have played a bit, but the man has only ever gone down on me. I have never been able to go down on him, and we have never full swapped so to speak.

 

I expressed to my husband how this was frustrating to me, especially given that they live quite a distance from us, and I feel as though it is a bit one sided, since we are a full swap couple. He understood my point of view and decided to mention it tactfully to the other couple's male. My husband does take Cialis to counteract some of his high blood pressure meds, and thought talking to him about that option may help with the situation.

 

The other male told my husband that he is one a very high dosage of Viagra, yet it doesn't seem to help him, even with his own wife sometimes.

 

My husband really thought this situation would be fixed by this man taking some meds for it, but now it seems that this isn't something that will change for the better anytime soon.

 

The couple was nice enough to let us know that they understood that we were not all mutually satisfied sexually in our friendship, and have offered us their friendship and an "out". But I feel partially bad and partially greedy.

 

Part of me wants to be able to go hang out with them and enjoy what I do get, so my husband and the other woman can have fun. But at the same time, it seems unfair since we are a full swap couple. I just feel very torn right now.

 

Any advice on how I can go about gingerly handling this with the other couple, or even some advice on how I can get past my greed and jealousy to be happy for my husband and his good time would be much appreciated.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

We're in this to have fun. The best advice we can give is that if you're both not having fun, then move on until you find a good match sexually. We've made some great friends in the lifestyle, some who we've slept with only once, and others not at all. It's not unusual to have lifestyle friends without benefits. Do what is best for you, and you'll be fine.

[The Fuse 1,012]

One thing that might help is time and further experience. That is, if you are meeting other couples and you get to have intercourse with the other husband, over time you may start to feel like it is less important with these current friends.

 

When Mr. Fuse and I first started out, we were, shall we say, more "goal-oriented" than we are now. The situation you describe might have been a problem for me too.

 

On the flip side, as a woman I get a lot more chances to play than he does. Since you are bisexual, that is probably doubly true for you, or it will be as you meet more people.

 

As time has gone on, we have gotten to where if it works out that one of us gets a chance to play and wants to, but the other one does not for whatever reason, the one sitting out has been more relaxed and happy for the other to play.

 

I'm sure the situation you are in right now is frustrating. Perhaps if you like just hanging out with them, you could do that once or twice before another play date with them? And meanwhile, if you are having more satisfying experiences elsewhere, hopefully the situation with your current friends won't bother you... or maybe it will bother you but the upside of the friendship and limited play will outweigh the downside of the... {insert bad pun here}.

 

I remember one of our first couples... I had a huge crush on the guy and the woman was sex personified... he didn't get an erection until our third or fourth play date. I never minded, but they weren't our first couple either. If they had been our first couple, or if we hadn't also been playing with others, I bet I would have been pretty frustrated.

 

Good luck! I hope you register and get yourself a screen name, and then add to this thread when there are new developments. It is a very interesting question.

[dodgechevy 149]

Gonna have to say that FUSE is right on the money. Especially on the part where being a bi female, you will get to play a lot more often then your husband will.

 

But obviously if you aren't having fun you don't have to only make play dates with this couple. After being with a few other couples you'll find it a lot easier to play with this couple. Especially if it seems like you are good friends.

[crazinred 36]

This is one of the concerns we have with myself having ED. I have tried all the pills and very little results. Myself have done my best with both oral and hand play. But its not the same The few couples we have been with I have made the Ladies happy but when they want to return the favor all I can say is we can try but normally with no or poor results. I am up front about my ED going in. Now I finally got back with the urologist and we tried the injection and the first and only time so far it worked great. I am looking forward to our next play session. Its a shame we got colds and had to sit it out for a week now. So if you friends want to work with getting past the ED then that may be what he needs.

[lizandtom 512]

To OP, please register so we know what to call you. Let me ask you a question or two regarding your emotions while you are playing. Does your jealousy and or emotions, IN ANY WAY, distract you while your husband is having sex with the other woman? Are you fixated on watching your husband that takes away any attention from your male partner at that time? If so that could be a major reason why your male play partner isn't getting wood. We have experienced this on a number of occasions, the latest being this past Saturday night. We took home a couple from our local off prem and found out that we were their first full swap. I (male) guessed it right from the get-go as my girl play partner was in awe watching her b/f do another girl for the first time. That is a deal breaker for me as a lack of chemistry all of a sudden emerges. No big deal for me; been there done that, so was content to watch how it all unfolded, and we ended up getting into it anyway by keeping it all lighthearted, but definitely kept me from my "A" game.

[Alura 2,774]

As in most things in life, I feel patience will serve you well in this situation. Many men have trouble in the beginning of a new friendship. As y'all spend more and more time with your friends, you may well find the problem will resolve itself. Even if it doesn't, they seem to be worthwhile as "semi-vanilla" (if you will) friends.

 

You might do well to keep these friends and get to know another playcouple as well. Perhaps y'all might eventually introduce them to your current friends, thus improving everybody's experiences.

 

Good luck to y'all, and let me be another encouraging you to register and introduce yourselves in our introductions forum. We'd like to get to know y'all.

 

Mr. Alura

[MikesDelight 15]

To OP, please register so we know what to call you. Let me ask you a question or two regarding your emotions while you are playing. Does your jealousy and or emotions, IN ANY WAY, distract you while your husband is having sex with the other woman? Are you fixated on watching your husband that takes away any attention from your male partner at that time? If so that could be a major reason why your male play partner isn't getting wood.

 

 

 

We have actually done same room and separate with this couple, as well as with others in the past. But I can certainly respect how that would affect the situation. Thanks

[MikesDelight 15]

Thank you everyone for all your insight. I have registered now and will be posting our introduction soon

 

All the advice has helped on my end quite a bit...unfortunately, it seems the couple feels they should wave the white flag so to speak and are not sure how we, as friends can proceed at this point.

 

I feel terribly about it, but at the same time, this could have been destined to fail down the road as well. We have told them we can certainly get together and hang out in the future, but they don't seem interested, or perhaps they are too disappointed.

 

In any event, we'll tuck this under our belts as yet another learning experience in our new and exciting lifestyle!

[j&rcouple 42]

We are also a full swap couple and sometime he can't get hard and other times he does most times it is when other people are in the room even if its with me he does feel bad about it and thinks something is wrong with him just a little PA

[WildMiCouple 325]

As in most things in life, I feel patience will serve you well in this situation. Many men have trouble in the beginning of a new friendship. As y'all spend more and more time with your friends, you may well find the problem will resolve itself.

Normally I'm in full agreement with you, Al, but this ED problem seems more than just new couple anxiety. Mikesdelight says that the gentleman uses a high dosage of viagra and it doesn't always help with his own wife. If he didn't normally have a problem at home, then I'd say stick it out til he feels comfy with you. But this isn't the typical "I never have this problem at home with my wife" scenario.

 

If it were us, we'd stop playing with them. He already knows he has a problem, and now he knows it's a problem for you too. I think it'll only get more frustrating for all of you with each time you play.

 

Best of luck to you,

Brett

[willyoats 324]

If you think there is any good part to your relationship, go with it and enjoy it. It may not be all you desire, but there are obviously good parts.

 

With some future couple, you will probably get a different kind of satisfaction. A new relationship may fill the void you feel with this couple.

 

Meantime, enjoy the good parts and the friendship.

[joelana 26]

Sure We agree,

Go with the good part of your relationship and search for some new couples

in order to fill the best part that you guys are missing,.....

But one more thing that good friends is always hard to find,

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This isn't your problem. I do understand where you are coming from in wanting to be able to continue with them in a friendly way, but that's probably not in the cards. In the end, it's their issue that they have to deal with and it will continue to cause them issues as they swing. He needs to address the issue and be upfront about it if they hope to succeed in swinging. As for you guys, there are many more fish in the sea - so go enjoy them

[IvoryTowers 380]

We've played with them twice now, and both times, my husband has been able to full swap with the wife, she and I have played a bit, but the man has only ever gone down on me. I have never been able to go down on him, and we have never full swapped so to speak.

 

I expressed to my husband how this was frustrating to me, especially given that they live quite a distance from us, and I feel as though it is a bit one sided, since we are a full swap couple. I feel partially bad and partially greedy.

But at the same time, it seems unfair since we are a full swap couple. I just feel very torn right now.

 

Other people have given you good advice and it seems the couple have decided themselves to call this off. I wanted to address the comments in your first message, excerpted above.

 

I guess I'm wondering why having a sexual experience that includes oral sex and play with the woman doesn't count as a worthwhile experience. Yes, you are a full swap couple, but maybe if you stop thinking that only intercourse "counts" and see being with another couple as an experience, you can feel less greedy and frustrated.

 

Please realize I'M not saying you are greedy (you said that's how you felt) or that if what you want is to have intercourse with other men you should always settle for less. But surely there are other things that you find satisfying? Maybe you can buy a strap on so if the husband has issues you can get screwed by the wife! A man could use a dildo/vibrator before or during oral sex. Or how about having the other man lick your clit while your husband screws you, and then he can finish with the wife?

 

I just want to suggest that there are many many answers to this question that are not a) the other man suddenly develops the ability to get hard or b) dump them!

[iapr 24]

There really isn't anything for you to do in this. The only decision you need to make is if you want to burn up the time and energy with this couple that you could be investing in another couple where everyone's parts function.

 

It sounds like this guy has an ongoing issue with ED so either he has to address it and correct it himself or you are going to have to resign yourself to the fact that this guy is not going to ever wrap your legs up over his shoulders and lay the lumber to you (forgive my bluntness but I'm making a point)

 

This does not mean that he is a bad guy or that you can't be as social as you want with them. It just means that if you are looking for full swap encounters this is not couple to acheive that with.

 

Are they even contacting you wanting to get together again or are you just worrying over nothing. If they realize you are not satisfied they may not even try to see you again so it's not like you really need to find a way to address it with them.

 

There are a lot of full swap couples out there. Find one of them and have some fun.

[sexcupid 809]

I guess I'm wondering why having a sexual experience that includes oral sex and play with the woman doesn't count as a worthwhile experience. Yes, you are a full swap couple, but maybe if you stop thinking that only intercourse "counts" and see being with another couple as an experience, you can feel less greedy and frustrated.

 

But surely there are other things that you find satisfying?

 

I just wanted to respond to this....I agree with some of the other posters that this obviously isn't just a swinging related affliction (if he is on a high dose of Viagra and has issues with his wife).

 

But I think the OP might have a similar mentality to what I have. We are a full swap couple...sure some oral is fun and some occasional girl play is a nice warm up...but if we go into a situation expecting to full swap, well...we expect to full swap. If my swap partner can't 'function'...ok, we can try again. But if my SO is banging the hell out of the other wife (on more than one occasion) and her hubby is not performing or too wrapped up in watching them...why should I have to settle for a bad (or at least a 'not good') experience?

 

We've had a few (or at least I've had a few) of those 'not good/not bad' experiences...the other things you've mentioned are good starters, but not quite a main course. We can stay home and f*ck each other senseless.

 

OP: You may not be able to maintain the friendship no matter how delicately things are handled. Good luck.