Reluctant to share sexual fantasies

[Fantasy01 11]

My wife is reluctant to discuss her sexual fantasies. Now we have been with anther couple and his wife & I both know that my wife loved the experience of fucking another man. But still she is not forth coming in talking about her sexual thought....Anyone got answers...?? Confused.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

OK, I have to ask. Maybe this is just semantics, maybe not. But a fantasy is not necessarily something that is begging fulfillment. Are you trying to learn from your wife what she hopes to gain from the swinging lifestyle? Or are you, rather, asking her to relate her fantasies to you? These, I will contend, are two different things.

 

~Michael

[lustylearning 705]

Maybe her fantasies aren't crystal clear. Some people think in brief imagery, others in story lines. Maybe her fantasies are person specific, rather than general. Maybe she's afraid you'll disapprove. Maybe she is embarrassed. Maybe she doesn't fantasize a lot. There are so many possible reasons. Have you asked her?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'm going to dig a little deeper here too.... is it a matter of discussing fantasies or will she not even discuss what you've already done? talk dirty? talk about what more she wants out of swinging? If she will talk to you about the other things but just won't discuss fantasies, it really could be that she doesn't have specific fantasies. I'm guessing that swinging was your idea, therefore it was YOUR fantasy. She was ok with it so she went along and enjoyed it and may continue to enjoy it, but that does'nt mean it is her fantasy or that she has fantasies about swinging.

 

She may not have any specific fantasies at all, some people don't. Or she may have fantasies that are totally unrelated to swinging and on a completely different course to the point that she feels if she did open up with them you'd be shocked and freaked out. What if... she opened up and her fantasies turned out to be that she wanted to see you with another guy? or see you dressed up in her clothes? Obviously, I have no clue what her fantasies are, I'm just throwing out possibilities that MIGHT (I don't know you, so they might not) freak you out. As we've discussed on this board many times, just because you are open to swinging doesn't mean you are open minded and would be open to other things. So consider that... a) she may have no fantasies to share... or b) she may have fantasies but they are even wilder than you might imagine and she is afraid they might freak you out.

 

All you can really do is continue to talk to her and share your fantasies with her and let her know that you are open to whatever you are open to and give her the room to share her fantasies if she has them and when she feels comfortable enough to do so.

[ViSexual 1,008]

Some people just aren't comfortable talking about sex.

 

She experienced swinging. She, aparently, enjoyed it.

 

She didn't say she didn't, right?

 

If she continues to join you, and continues to appear to enjoy it, then accept the fact she might not want to discuss 'details' afterwards and enjoy yourself.

[Nitati 28]

Personally, I don't really discuss my fantasies with the hubby simply b/c they are too far fetched to the point that I would never want them to become reality LOL. I am really into paranormal romance & erotica But... anything I think up that even remotely could become real, I talk about with the hubby. My fantasies run in scenes, never a storyline or plot from start to finish, but like 5 second clips if that makes sense? So whereas the hubby can tell me how he can see entire situations unfold, I just can't do that. I'm more of, "tab X goes into slot Y while appendage D goes into point A" with my real-life fantasy explanations. It gets frustrating for both of us at times because he wants more details that I don't have/am unable to give lol. Reading erotic lit has definitely helped me though. We are certainly a work in progress!

 

Anyway, for me, talking about sexual thoughts (what I actually want to do some day) and sexual fantasies (what I only want to dream about at night) are two completely different things. You should probably ask her if she has a distinction.

[iapr 24]

Is she able to talk about personal and sexual topics in general or just doesn't like to admit she has sexual fantasys? There is a difference.

 

If you were to ask my wife to share a sexual fantasy she would state she doesn't have them and if you were to say that everyone has fantasys she would say, "fine but I'm not telling you mine anyway." But she is pretty open to discussing personal topics in general.

 

Some people have an issue with the word "fantasy" and many women think it makes them look "bad" to admit that they do have fantasys.

 

If she is able to be open and discuss personal and sexual topics in general just try to avoid using the word fantasy and discuss things in a more realistic and nuts and bolts manner. Instead of asking what her fantasys are say something like, "If we had a whole weekend to do whatever we wanted to do and money and resources weren't an issue, what would you like to do?"

 

Now if she has a complete roadblock and can't discuss anything that is personal or sexual at all then that is a completely different issue. If she is inhibited to the point that she can not communicate her basic wants, boundries and unwants then you have a problem. If you are going to be in the lifestyle you really HAVE to be able to communicate your basic needs and limits.

[HornyCouple 15]

for my better half she has a hard time to discuss her 'fantasy' also. I believe part is that it is in her mind just 'wrong' to be having sex with others even though she does enjoy it alot. Part of it is Mars and Venus issues, men love the visualizations and all, while women seem to prefer 'romance'.

 

She also has a hard time admiting that she is enjoying playing with another guy. Something engrained in her that says husband and wife should meet each others needs exclusively.

 

I have to go along with ViSexual, you just have to accept as long as she is enjoying it.

[Fantasy01 11]

Are you trying to learn from your wife what she hopes to gain from the swinging lifestyle? Or are you, rather, asking her to relate her fantasies to you? These, I will contend, are two different things.

 

~Michael

 

Well since you have put it that way in a question then I have to say both because as I see it both are intertiwined but then again as you said and your right, they are differant.

[Fantasy01 11]

Maybe her fantasies aren't crystal clear. Some people think in brief imagery, others in story lines. Maybe her fantasies are person specific, rather than general. Maybe she's afraid you'll disapprove. Maybe she is embarrassed. Maybe she doesn't fantasize a lot. There are so many possible reasons. Have you asked her?

Yes in fact I have asked her on numerous occasions. I personally think of my fantasies, which enlude her, are more in story line form and very visual. I have tried in so many way to asure her that she should not be imbarssed and that I really and truely wanted to know what sexual thoughts go on in her mind. To open the door to what ever she wanted to talk about I told her a couple of mine. We are only a couple of days away from going to a New Year's Eve house party but for now the only thing she has openly said is that "I think we will have a great time and cumm home and fuck our brains out and that she may get involved in a mfm ...

[PB&J 1,086]

I don't have a lot of fantasies myself- just enjoy myself (immensely) in the moment, and then later think back to the fun I've had. My husband's cool with that.

 

If you keep pushing her to share something that might not be there, she might start to think that there's something wrong with her. (and there isn't) Why not just go with the flow? Sounds like things are going fine- don't mess with success!

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Men and women are different when it comes to fantasies. She may be more willing to act them out than discuss them.

 

The best advice I can give you is to go with her lead. If you push her too much she may never open up about it. Make sure you LISTEN to the little things. You don't have to talk to her about it and then maybe you can act on it down the road. e.g. If she just mentions that she would like a dildo used on her while ya'll are playing. Don't go crazy talking. Just go out and buy a common sense (for ya'll) dildo and bring it to bed and see how it works.

 

Just don't surprise her with a live person.....

[IvoryTowers 380]

How about if, instead of asking her fantasies, you ask what she'd like to experiment with or try out? Both your posts sounded (to me, a female), somewhat pushy. Not saying that you are, or that you mean to be demanding, but if I were your other half I'd be thinking "leave my fantasies alone damnit! I said I didn't want to share and I mean it!"

 

So I guess I'm suggesting that from your side of things you are trying to be supportive and open and give her room to do whatever she wants. But from her side of things you may come off as intrusive and demanding and aggressively trying to get her to enact things she wants to keep in her thoughts.

 

So how about a no pressure "Hon, I'm thrilled that we've started swinging and I want you to know that if there is anything else you want to try, I'm up for it. Just let me know if there's anything we can do to make our sex even hotter and I'm there in an instant!"

[sahajacpl 95]

What's important is that your wife enjoys swinging, letting another guy sink his penis in her vagina and fucking or getting fucked to orgasm. That she is open to enjoying the sex act with partners other than her hubby is a blessing. Not many guys are as fortunate as you where both of you are able to have and enjoy sexual intercourse with partners other than one's own spouse.

 

So, I would'nt worry too much about her verbalizing or not verbalizing her sexual fantasies. Some women can fantasize and verbalize their fantasies, others cannot. Your wife may not have any explicit fantasies. It sounds like your wife just enjoys the act of sexual intercourse with other guys without overtly fantasizing about it. This may apply equally to some men also who enjoy having sex with other women but do not, or, are

unable to verbalize their fantasies.

 

What's important is that both of you enjoy swinging and exchanging mates with another couple for sexual play and the act of sexual intercourse.

[Fantasy01 11]

Some people just aren't comfortable talking about sex.

 

She experienced swinging. She, aparently, enjoyed it.

 

She didn't say she didn't, right?

 

If she continues to join you, and continues to appear to enjoy it, then accept the fact she might not want to discuss 'details' afterwards and enjoy yourself.

She said she really enjoyed the evening and his cock....now we are going to a new years eve house party...so we'll see what she has to say later

[Fantasy01 11]

I have read, understand and will totally comply with your reasoning about knowing her sexual fantasies. She keeps saying "go with the flow" not necessarily about swinging but life in general so I'll just go with the flow and if some day she wants to suggest something she would like to do then, as I have told her in the past, Im with you all the way

[slevin 1,374]

I have read, understand and will totally comply with your reasoning about knowing her sexual fantasies. She keeps saying "go with the flow" not necessarily about swinging but life in general so I'll just go with the flow and if some day she wants to suggest something she would like to do then, as I have told her in the past, Im with you all the way

 

Pay attention to what she reacts to when you are sharing your fantasies during sex or talking dirty. Pay attention to the kind of porn that she reacts to when you watch some porn with her, pay attention to the kinds of things that she reacts to when you are at swing clubs or parties. Pay attention to the things she responds strongly to when you both try them.

 

Once you recognize those things, lead her into them. Set up those situations (not a secret surprise though). Many women love to experience things that they don't want to talk about. They like to keep the 'cover story' of "it just happened".

[vanillaknot 99]

For years, we have distinguished informally between "fantasy material" and "wishful thinking". The former is stuff that we find hot intellectually, that turns us on, but for whatever reason is totally impractical to contemplate for real life. The latter are things that get us going and that we want to find a way to see come about.

 

If a woman is having trouble talking about fantasies, perhaps she has a similar distinction, though perhaps not even for the same reason. Perhaps she's just got some things that she regards as too far over the edge to be talked about.

 

I am very aware that my woman has some extraordinarily dark (in every sense) corners of her mind, where I just plain don't try to go, or to put it another way, where I just plain don't ask her to come out of. As long as her head is OK and she is able to share with me what matters, that's all just fine.

[realcplub2 513]

Personally, I don't really discuss my fantasies with the hubby simply b/c they are too far fetched to the point that I would never want them to become reality LOL. I am really into paranormal romance & erotica But... anything I think up that even remotely could become real, I talk about with the hubby. My fantasies run in scenes, never a storyline or plot from start to finish, but like 5 second clips if that makes sense? So whereas the hubby can tell me how he can see entire situations unfold, I just can't do that. I'm more of, "tab X goes into slot Y while appendage D goes into point A" with my real-life fantasy explanations. It gets frustrating for both of us at times because he wants more details that I don't have/am unable to give lol. Reading erotic lit has definitely helped me though. We are certainly a work in progress!

 

Anyway, for me, talking about sexual thoughts (what I actually want to do some day) and sexual fantasies (what I only want to dream about at night) are two completely different things. You should probably ask her if she has a distinction.

 

 

Ok, let me start from the top.. I quoted Nitati for one reason, this is usually the reasoning I have heard from any number of other women as to WHY they don't share thier fantasies with thier significant others..

 

Now, I have always ENCOURAGED anyone thinking of getting into the lifestyle to be OPEN AND HONEST, and to SHARE thier fantasies with each other first for two reasons..

 

FIrst it gives the other person a clear idea of what MIGHT turn them one, or they might want to experience. BUT more importantly, it gives both people a higher level of intimacy, Sure we can as Nitati says insert tab A into Slot B, but, by allowing another person into our fantasy realm, it raises the bar so to speak on that intimacy.

 

Men in general are detail driven, when it comes to fantasies.. And Women seem to be more about the experience.. not so much the mechanics but the mood atmosphere and emotions...

 

Example: Chuck HAS a fantasy about having sex with two women, for him its all about who is doing what to whom, and yes where his Tab A is going..

 

Same Fantasy from Gina's POV, is about how senual or erotic the mood is, the feeling she is getting from the other players.. Not so much fingers and mouths, but the emotions involved..

 

Hope this makes sense, and if I am wrong, Please excuse this indulgance

[Nitati 28]

Realcpl... what you said made a lot of sense to me, especially with the examples. Again, it gets frustrating for us specifically because we have different ideas on what constitutes a "fantasy" as well as difficulty in choosing the language needed for effectively communicating those specific thoughts with each other. But the important thing is that we TRY to talk about it the best way we can, frustrating as that may be lol. My end of things just aren't as detailed as the hubby's end... so to speak. Definitely a work in progress!!!