Wife not comfortable with pre-planning - how do I make it easier for her?

[dnmnms 55]

Because she has a really fun wild side that only comes out on short notice, it's difficult to plan anything sexual with her. It MUST be spontaneous for her and she has very narrow preferences. She only likes people who are also very physically attractive and not socially crude. She's a knockout and I just wanna see her play. I don't even care if I do anything. I just really like the idea of watching her role play as a slut for a night, because in reality, she's a good, wholesome woman, even if she LOOKS like a hot porn star.

 

The crowds at those places were less physically fit and attractive than typical club crowds.

 

I know we each have our own preferences and please understand that I am NOT being crude in what I am trying to say....But comments like this really make us "non porn star normal people who are also good wholesome people, who look good but are not Barbies" feel a little intimidated.

Speaking as female here who is somewhat average in the looks dept, has had 3 kids and whose body could never make it into a porn movie anymore.

 

Not bashing you, just when we "normal" ladies are reminded of our flaws it can hurt a little. I am sure your wife is all you wrote and probably then some. I am sure you will locate those in the LS that have the same thoughts and feelings as you 2 do....They are definantly those out there who will only play with model material. I wish you luck in whatever your searching for.

 

Melody

[fun4t&c 57]

Sorry, but when I look at the quotes above, I don't believe this really is all about her. Yes, you are happy just watching, but you start out saying that she isn't as sexual as she looks (whatever that means). You go on to saying she finds the idea of lots of people degrading and while she's gone along with some of your ideas she's rejected anything pre-planned.

 

In other words, your convinced that if you just get her into a 'spontaneous' setting with incredibly hot and yet respectful/polite/well spoken people who all want to play with her, she'll give in and have a wild night. Well, d'uh! I think just about anyone would have an orgy under those circumstances but it ain't gonna happen. And it ain't about her. It's about you getting to see your wife act the way you want her to act.

 

Furthermore, it seems that you assume (or hope) that if this magical night happens, she'll be the one asking to do it again and again. Honestly, she'd probably see it as a magical one time experience and NOT want to repeat it.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need a dose of reality. If swinging is really important to you, then you need to have a serious talk (or many serious talks) with your wife and find out what she's really willing to do. Maybe the two of you can go to clubs and watch pretty people, then have hot sex on your own. Maybe more.

 

But if, as you say, your wife is everything to you, the one thing you should not be doing is assuming you know what's best for her, what's 'really' in her mind, and thus trying to find the perfect hot couple or scene that will make YOUR fantasy come true while pretending that you are just freeing her inner slut.

 

Well, that IS pretty harsh, but I don't doubt any of its accuracy. It's hard to accept, but I guess that's why it hasn't worked out so far. Maybe I'm just not fully understanding how to reconcile our differences in what we'd like. Yes, I do feel like if the right situation happens, she'd want more. I'd heard that from a female who had gotten a taste at a nice resort and was dragging her husband back for more. He was just hanging back and watching her go. I guess I was hoping for that result because it would indicate my wife had found her sexual happy place, which seemed to be lagging, despite all my efforts. Maybe I just need to accept we're not the same, but it sure is difficult with the sex drive I have.

 

I don't want other women, I want her. Seeing her being wild just seems like such a cool thing. The bottom line is that I won't push her. I got excited about it before and we grew apart for a while, because she wasn't expressing herself to me. Since that's now fixed, she'll tell me what's attractive to her and what's not, rather than just trying to go along. When her preferences are not everything my horny mind invisions, I guess I just hope for more, like a little boy. We'll find our way. I do sincerely want her happy above all else and I appreciate everyone's input, even if it sounds harsh.

 

*Please don't take any offense by my discriptions of people. I was just trying to accurately discribe what she likes, because she does have a very narrow scope of attraction. Somehow, I guess I slipped through the cracks and she married me.

[fun4t&c 57]

Yes, you are happy just watching, but you start out saying that she isn't as sexual as she looks (whatever that means).

 

By that, I meant she has a particularly sexual appearance, but doesn't think that way. She thinks more like Betty Crocker or June Cleaver.

 

Because of her looks, people assume she's a very sexual woman and treat her as such. Because she's very socially graceful, she's learned to play along with it, adding it to the rest of her charm and charisma.

 

All the while, inside, sex didn't really occur to her, until somebody else would bring it up.

[fun4t&c 57]

Ivory,

 

I've read through your response several times, now. I can tell you're spot on with your judgement and will be a valuable asset to have as an educator, if you are willing to continue helping.

 

I realize it's about what I want to see. I accept that.

 

It's also important for me to make clear the REASON I think I want to see her play like that. For me, growing up, sex was a very cool place to go. It was my happy place like to other. I had a couple of very talented girlfriends and had some very memorable sexual adventures at an early age. For me, sex was the best thing on earth. It's been the most satisfying aspect of my life, which has also been very rewarding, otherwise.

 

So, like a dumbass, I "ASS-U-ME-'d" that if I could bring the right sexual experience to HER, the SHE'd be able to enjoy it as much as I have. She's been the kind of person who acts like she could take sex, or leave it. A "whatever" perception of it. I felt like that was sad in a way, so I was wanting to share my happy place (sex) with her. I know that's jacked up, because she should know what she likes, but I've found that, in other things, I've been able to show her things she loves and would never have known about, other than me exposing her to, like Thai food, Yoga, etc.

 

I'm disappointed I couldn't break the code on my own, but I also appreciate the opportunity to network with people who can clue me in, because love and enthusiasm don't necessarily guarantee understanding, especially when a woman hasn't learned to express her real feelings until recently.

 

So, thanks for the genuine feedback! I wan't sure what quality to expect on a forum like this, but I'm very pleasantly surprised.

[VegasLee 1,486]

It sounds to me that she just might be in "Her Happy Place" but you are looking to set her up so that you can achieve your "Happy Place."

 

You state she does not want to be involved in anything "planned" yet you appear to be doing your best to plan this.

 

Rather then plan this out, sit with her, explain "your" fantasy and if she is up for it great, if not, live with it and stop trying to put her in a position that she does not desire to be in.

[fun4t&c 57]

It sounds to me that she just might be in "Her Happy Place" but you are looking to set her up so that you can achieve your "Happy Place."

 

You state she does not want to be involved in anything "planned" yet you appear to be doing your best to plan this.

 

Rather then plan this out, sit with her, explain "your" fantasy and if she is up for it great, if not, live with it and stop trying to put her in a position that she does not desire to be in.

 

That makes perfect sense. What's caused me some difficulty is that nothing ever seems to happen. I guess I was thinking that if I figured out how it would have to come together to work out best, she could just enjoy it with the idea everything is spontaneous, like she so strongly prefers. I don't know. I really thought it would be easier than it's proven to be. I know other people who get wild and have fun like that. Maybe I was hoping for too much. I certainly don't want to screw up.

[TNT 1,155]

 

So, thanks for the genuine feedback! I wasn't sure what quality to expect on a forum like this, but I'm very pleasantly surprised.

 

to the Board.

 

You'll find there is a plethora of information here and the people, for the most part, are extremely helpful, understanding and straight forward in their advice.

 

For what it's worth, you are not the first husband who has came here with this question.

 

Swinging is NOT for everyone. In fact, it's not for most people. Unless it's something that you and your wife BOTH want to try, it will never work.

 

One can NEVER assume or guess when it comes to any aspect of swinging where our spouses/SOs are concerned....you must KNOW. The only way to know is talk and talk and talk some more.

 

It seems as if you have planted the seed in your wife's mind...until SHE decides it's something SHE wants to explore there is nothing else you can do. Pushing her and constantly nagging her about it will only breed resentment.

 

I encourage you to continue to read here on the board...it may never help you bring your wife into swinging but, it definitely won't hurt in learning about swinging and the importance of total, open, honest communication, and the ability to listen, within your marriage.

 

 

Teresa

[IvoryTowers 380]

I'm glad my tone didn't seem too harsh (just harsh enough?). You seem like a really nice guy who wants his wife to be happy. And there is a possibility that this would make her happy, especially if she had a very religious/repressive childhood.

 

But I also think that our society sells the idea that everyone is most happy when they are hyper sexual and that, in fact, people who are not hyper sexual must be unhappy or repressed.

 

Certainly sex is one of the great wonders of the world! But we all experience it in different ways and have different needs. Let me offer an analogy. I'm a vegan--I don't eat any animal products at all. I've run into people who think that I must be secretly craving meat and cheese, and that even if the reasons I gave up these things are good, ethical reasons, I must be unhappy because I can't experience the wonders of these foods.

 

And while I accept that for other people, meat and cheese are part of what make life worth living, to me they are not interesting or attractive at all. The smell of cheese makes me feel sick, and the thought of eating meat can cause a physical reaction. Yet I love to cook; I'm always trying out new foods, new recipes, new flavor combinations.

 

Maybe your wife is the equivalent, sexually. What she likes, sexually, she likes. The other stuff--she's not repressed or guilty or holding back out of morals. She just isn't interested.

 

But, as others have said, the only person who can answer that is your wife. And if the idea of her being sexually wild and the center of attention is your fantasy, I still think you can manage that quite successfully! If she loves you, surely she'd be willing to dress a bit sluttily and go to a club where you can watch the men drool over her as she dances. After a couple of hours, you can go home and give her whatever makes her the happiest. Voila! You are both satisfied!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

She's a knockout and I just wanna see her play. I don't even care if I do anything. I just really like the idea of watching her role play as a slut for a night, because in reality, she's a good, wholesome woman, even if she LOOKS like a hot porn star.

 

She thinks more like Betty Crocker or June Cleaver.

Maybe your wife thinks that being a swinger means she has to be a "slut" or act like a "porn star." Since you've used this language here I'm guessing you've used those terms with her.

 

I don't think she is comfortable with those images, nor does she want to become what you describe.

 

She may also not want to be the "center of attention" as you envision, but would rather consider playing if in a more intimate setting with one other person/couple joining you where you are involved in play with her and the play doesn't place any one person on stage as the main attraction.

 

You can be a swinger without acting like a slut or porn star. Some women are more at home with swinging when they are being who they are by nature, which in your wife's case is a wholesome lady who is socially graceful, charming and charismatic. Sounds like a classy lady who wants to remain being thought of in this way. You may be pushing her to be something she wouldn't feel right about, i.e., being a slut.

 

If you, and she, can understand it is possible to be sexually expressive, enjoy sex with others, and be yourself, you'll probably have a better chance of coming to an agreement on giving swinging a try.

 

By chance, does alcohol play a role in her spontaneity? If so, it really isn't a good indicator of what she is ready to do when she is sober.

 

to the Swingers Board.

 

Please continue to join in the discussions and invite your wife to our corner of the world to share her thoughts, too.

 

LM

[Cpl2share 147]

You said everythign that needs to be said in your initial post. Your libidos are different. You are not unique in this, in fact that is the norm. She may be very happy in her happy place. By the way it sounds, she is. You have told her what you would like. You can talk further, and I would suggest doing so in a non threatening manner. By that I mean explain what you want, but also make very sure that she understands two things: A) She is enough for you and she satisfies you; B) If she is happy with what you have you are satisfied with that and will not stray. Of course if you can not honestly say these things, drop it now and re-evaluate yourself. If you can honestly tell her thses things you need to do so. After that you need to leave it alone. tell her that this is what you would like to explore, and why, but that you will not bring the subject uo again. The ball is now in her court. If she is willing to discuss it she will. If not, you will continue on without swinging and love her as you always have. When she comes to terms with your request she will tell you Yes, No, or let's talk about this.

[slevin 1,374]

I think the biggest stumbling block you've created for yourself is that it sounds like you have set this up as what YOU want, how YOU want her to act, what YOU want to happen. It's all your fantasy and your fantasy of how she should be. None of it is about her fantasies or what she wants. You have only talked about what YOU want her fantasies to be.

 

Make this about her and her fantasies, what she wants, what she'll get. Perhaps that will be helpful in making a difference.

[TravlParty 87]

I think so much of it has to do with being on vacay, away from everyone we know and having the every day stresses taken away. When it's like that, she's a blast to play with.

 

Ah yes, I can identify with this! Being able to let go away from the home front is definitely who I am, thus our nickname. We always travel to a party away from home.

 

It took years for my husband to gradually break me out of my shell. I was a very sexual person in college. I went through a time when I felt very ashamed of those actions, and repressed myself sexually. Then I married a very uptight man, who thought sex was "dirty". There was absolutely no experimentation in that marriage.

 

My current husband has much different views on sexuality - thankfully! He started very slowly by introducing me to fun resorts where I could go topless. What freedom!

 

We gradually went from that to nudity. Shortly thereafter, we learned about the lifestyle.

 

There's a lot of the story I'm leaving out (it's just too long), but be patient. Don't push her, and allow her to gradually let her inner wild child go. She has to become comfortable with her sexuality. It's in there, just "asleep."

 

Realize that as women we're raised differently than men (in most cases). We're the caregivers and household managers. It's only when we can escape those environments that we truly feel we can be another persona.

 

If you want more detail about the things he did and how he brought out the sexually confident woman I am today, PM us.

 

Good luck!

[LOL_OMG 130]

Hiya

 

The one thing that stands out as a red flag in your post is the title 'Setting the hook.,' To me that one sentence says more than your entire post. If it was not meant as bad as it sounds then please forgive the negative tone in my comment.

 

Having said that from our own experiences I agree with Travl. Mrs. Lol and I started out by going to a top notch swing club and did nothing more for the first few times than take in the atmosphere and ambiance of the club. That allowed us to progress at a rate that suited Mrs. Lol.

 

Welcome to the board and good luck.

 

Mr. Lol

[fun4t&c 57]

Hiya

 

The one thing that stands out as a red flag in your post is the title 'Setting the hook.,' To me that one sentence says more than your entire post. If it was not meant as bad as it sounds then please forgive the negative tone in my comment.

 

Having said that from our own experiences I agree with Travl. Mrs. Lol and I started out by going to a top notch swing club and did nothing more for the first few times than take in the atmosphere and ambiance of the club. That allowed us to progress at a rate that suited Mrs. Lol.

 

Welcome to the board and good luck.

 

Mr. Lol

 

Well, I didn't intend it to be bad, I know that. By "setting the hook" I meant exposing her to the opportunity and giving her the chance to find something she was excited about. Once she experienced that, I felt she would be "hooked" but not in a bad way. Does that make any sense, or am I just missing the point?

Nevermind your tone. I have thick skin. I wouldn't be asking questions if I didn't want real answers. Thanks for your reply. It was taken openly. No worries.

[VANudistcpl 109]

Well, what else can be said.... We agree with everything said above. I would probably have called the thread "planting the seed" as opposed to setting the hook.

 

Now that being said before we jumped right in we talked and I was very open eith Mrs. Nudist about what I was looking for and she the same. It took over 2 years for me to "convince" the Mrs. and now she enjoys swinging as much as I do. For example I wanted to see her give another guy a blow job (my opinion, but she is the best around). For months she was not into the idea, and at first wouldn't even talk about it. The more we talked the more the idea began to take hold. One night while at the club she went down on another guy while I watched. Afterward I told her what a turn on it was and now she has no problem with giving someone a blow job.

 

We have set our limits, talked about fantasies, and what else we want to do in the lifestyle. If life would get out of the way we would spend more time at the local clubs.

[tx4021 15]

My wife and I are in our early sixties. We have been married for almost 40 years. In some ways we are in the same situation. Our sex life has always been excellent and there isn't much we haven't done together. During our twenties we both did a lot of flirting some of which turned out well some not so well. Not too long ago, I brought up the idea of swinging to my wife. She was not terribly open to the idea. To make a long story short, we have not completely resolved this issue but we have communicated and reached a compromise. We have never swapped but we do go to lifestyle venues. We also go to nudists resorts. We enjoy dancing in the nude at the resorts and we enjoy dirty dancing at swinger events. We have been to Desire and have made love on the beach. At Desire my wife was very open to making love in front of other couples and watching others was also a turn on. We had sex up to four times a day. Not bad for a couple in out late fifties at the time. Desire brings that out in you. At local swing events, my wife is less willing to do to the “hospitality” rooms but has nothing against dressing up and doing some dirty dancing. We always have some great sex in our hotel room afterwards. My wife is still very fit and extremely attractive. She is often approached by men of all ages but seems to have no interest in swinging with them. I would also like to see her have sex with someone else, male or female but I think I have to accept the fact that that will probably never happen. She has given me permission to swing but I really don't think I am interested in doing it without her. While she is willing to grant me permission, I don't think she would be happy about my being with someone else. My love for her is more important than swinging. I have had a few opportunities to cheat over the years, but have never acted on them because I don't believe in cheating. Fortunately we are able to share our fantasies with each other. I have to accept that some of my fantasies may never come true. Communication has been the key. I have to admit that I still hold onto the hope that maybe someday my wife will find the right situation and cross the line. I am pretty sure that this will never happen but I am thankful that my wife and I have shared such a great life together and that she is still attractive, sexy and a “slut” in the bedroom. We have also made some friends in the lifestyle. We seem to be accepted even if we don't swap. Actually we have met some very interesting people whom we would not have otherwise met.

[fun4t&c 57]

My wife and I are in our early sixties. We have been married for almost 40 years. In some ways we are in the same situation. Our sex life has always been excellent and there isn't much we haven't done together. During our twenties we both did a lot of flirting some of which turned out well some not so well. Not too long ago, I brought up the idea of swinging to my wife. She was not terribly open to the idea. To make a long story short, we have not completely resolved this issue but we have communicated and reached a compromise. We have never swapped but we do go to lifestyle venues. We also go to nudists resorts. We enjoy dancing in the nude at the resorts and we enjoy dirty dancing at swinger events. We have been to Desire and have made love on the beach. At Desire my wife was very open to making love in front of other couples and watching others was also a turn on. We had sex up to four times a day. Not bad for a couple in out late fifties at the time. Desire brings that out in you. At local swing events, my wife is less willing to do to the “hospitality” rooms but has nothing against dressing up and doing some dirty dancing. We always have some great sex in our hotel room afterwards. My wife is still very fit and extremely attractive. She is often approached by men of all ages but seems to have no interest in swinging with them. I would also like to see her have sex with someone else, male or female but I think I have to accept the fact that that will probably never happen. She has given me permission to swing but I really don't think I am interested in doing it without her. While she is willing to grant me permission, I don't think she would be happy about my being with someone else. My love for her is more important than swinging. I have had a few opportunities to cheat over the years, but have never acted on them because I don't believe in cheating. Fortunately we are able to share our fantasies with each other. I have to accept that some of my fantasies may never come true. Communication has been the key. I have to admit that I still hold onto the hope that maybe someday my wife will find the right situation and cross the line. I am pretty sure that this will never happen but I am thankful that my wife and I have shared such a great life together and that she is still attractive, sexy and a “slut” in the bedroom. We have also made some friends in the lifestyle. We seem to be accepted even if we don't swap. Actually we have met some very interesting people whom we would not have otherwise met.

 

I think we might be a lot alike as far as couples go. It sounds like you guys have a lot of fun, as we always do. We're kooks and crack each other up constantly. I could see us just going to those places and dancing and having fun and just letting that be it. Our relationship is the most important thing. My wife can surprise me when I least expect it. I think I need to just take her to go have fun and let things take their natural course. She already knows I'm cool with her being wild. That's really enough. If the mood ever strikes her, I'll take it as a bonus.

Best of luck to you guys!

[fun4t&c 57]

I think the key word here is "nothing". The way we approach swinging is that all we want to happen is to have a fun time together. Sometimes that involves sex with others, most times not. It's difficult to find four people that all feel the chemistry and are compatible. If that is your true measure of something over nothing, then be prepared for a lot of nothings, especially when first starting out. If you are in it for the right reasons though, success will come easily since success just means you both had a fun evening, which is almost guaranteed unless you actively do something to screw it up.

 

 

 

She probably senses you are trying too hard if not flat out clearly recognizes what you are doing - trying to manipulate the situation to increase what you see as the necessary ingredients for your desired outcome. If she is interested in putting herself in the environment - clubs, parties, etc - then just go with it, enjoy yourselves, and take what comes at the speed of the slowest person. Don't try to make a difficult thing even more difficult by forcing the issue.

 

 

 

The sex part isn't easy, the having fun part is. Everybody is different - some don't have a problem letting their inner hedonist pop right out, while others are more reserved. Everybody is different and everybody is right, it's just a matter of what they feel personally feel comfortable with.

 

We're not veterans and we're not newbies, but one thing we learned pretty quick was to not have too many expectations. We have ended up playing on nights one or both initially said we weren't in the mood to play and had a great time, and vice-versa. Now, we don't walk in the door with those expectations one way or another, so therefore don't have anything we feel we have to meet, which just makes the whole thing more relaxed and fun.

 

You're right, I wanted to see her "go" and I was trying too hard. I'm gonna stop. If she doesn't have it in her, she just doesn't. My desires can sit.

[tx4021 15]

I think we might be a lot alike as far as couples go. It sounds like you guys have a lot of fun, as we always do. We're kooks and crack each other up constantly. I could see us just going to those places and dancing and having fun and just letting that be it. Our relationship is the most important thing. My wife can surprise me when I least expect it. I think I need to just take her to go have fun and let things take their natural course. She already knows I'm cool with her being wild. That's really enough. If the mood ever strikes her, I'll take it as a bonus.

Best of luck to you guys!

I think you are right. My wife surprises me sometimes as well. Have you ever played the "Sex is Fun Game"? We have had some real fun with that. We have no connection to this company, but we think you might find the game to be fun. It isn't lame like many sex games and it get us talking as well as making love.

[fun4t&c 57]

I think you are right. My wife surprises me sometimes as well. Have you ever played the "Sex is Fun Game"? We have had some real fun with that. We have no connection to this company, but we think you might find the game to be fun. It isn't lame like many sex games and it get us talking as well as making love.

 

No, we haven't tried the game. We'll have to look into that. Sounds like it could be a kick.

 

Thanks for the tip.

[iapr 24]

I think you may be trying to take a bulldog to the greyhound track and hoping it will win the big race. Good chance it just ain't gonna happen.

 

I agree with what Ivory Towers et all have said, you just can't make someone perform outside of their design potential. Betty Crocker/June Cleaver just may be her "happy place" and she just wasn't designed to be a slut or a porn star.

 

Here's another reality check, even most porn stars aren't sluts or hot sex kittens in real life either. Most of them are probably most at home in sweat pants and t-shirts baking cookies for their children too.

 

Porn isn't real. They are paid actors reciting a script and following instructions for money. Here's the catch with that, most of them do a crappy job of it - it looks stupid- it's all an act- and they probably get pissed off and fed up with their directors and once the money is in their hand they walk out the door and go back to their Betty Crocker lives and try to put as much distance between them and their handlers as they can.

 

Here is where you may get bit in the ass if your not carefull. The same thing could happen to you. You are trying to be a porn director here and turn Betty Crocker into a porn starlet. You are trying to get her to put on an act and to play a role for your benifit. If you offer enough incentive she will probably try it but like the porn star, once she does it she will probably do a crappy job of it and will probably be somewhat resentfull of it and once she has that money (metaphorically speaking) in her hand she will walk away and try to go back to her real life and put as much distance between you and her as possible.

[fun4t&c 57]

I think you may be trying to take a bulldog to the greyhound track and hoping it will win the big race. Good chance it just ain't gonna happen.

 

I agree with what Ivory Towers et all have said, you just can't make someone perform outside of their design potential. Betty Crocker/June Cleaver just may be her "happy place" and she just wasn't designed to be a slut or a porn star.

 

Here's another reality check, even most porn stars aren't sluts or hot sex kittens in real life either. Most of them are probably most at home in sweat pants and t-shirts baking cookies for their children too.

 

Porn isn't real. They are paid actors reciting a script and following instructions for money. Here's the catch with that, most of them do a crappy job of it - it looks stupid- it's all an act- and they probably get pissed off and fed up with their directors and once the money is in their hand they walk out the door and go back to their Betty Crocker lives and try to put as much distance between them and their handlers as they can.

 

Here is where you may get bit in the ass if your not carefull. The same thing could happen to you. You are trying to be a porn director here and turn Betty Crocker into a porn starlet. You are trying to get her to put on an act and to play a role for your benifit. If you offer enough incentive she will probably try it but like the porn star, once she does it she will probably do a crappy job of it and will probably be somewhat resentfull of it and once she has that money (metaphorically speaking) in her hand she will walk away and try to go back to her real life and put as much distance between you and her as possible.

 

Well, thanks for the "reality check". I'll give you credit for not intending that as insulting as it sounded. Just so you know, she's let loose on her own and about scared the crap out of me. She has it in her. I'm just trying to learn about how to let it out, if that's appropriate for her. No, it wouldn't be just for my benefit.

I hear what you're saying about if it isn't what she's after, she'd run the other way.

[iapr 24]

. Just so you know, she's let loose on her own and about scared the crap out of me. She has it in her. I'm just trying to learn about how to let it out, if that's appropriate for her.

 

No I'm not meaning to be insulting just trying to understand. I guess I'm not getting what the issue is and what exactly it is you are asking of us. What is it exactly you are wanting her to do? Are you wanting her to dress sexy and flirt and dirty dance or are you wanting her to actually swing with you and you both have sex with other people? I guess I am missing something out of the equation so lets start with what exactly you are wanting to achieve.

 

You say that she has "cut loose" and "has it in her" so what is it you are trying to do?

 

Lets talk about you a little more and see if we can determine your role in this a little better. Are you a control freak? (I definately am so it's ok for me to ask that:lol:) Do you feel like it is up to you to make things happen and that if you don't make it happen it won't occur?

 

Do you feel like this is something she is wanting to do but that she has some kind of "block" inside her that is keeping her from doing it and that if you were better able to manipulate the environment that she would respond positively? (When you said you were trying to "unlock the code" made me think this may be the case) Do you feel like she is wanting to do it but is dragging her feet or just spinning her wheels? Do you feel like she wants to and would do a good of it but that she just needs a little "push/nudge" to get her started?

 

If you answered yes to any of those questions you may be a bit of a control freak and feel like it is up to you to make things happen, even if all parties are consenting. That's not a slam and that's not necessarily a bad thing. ALL couples have one person that has a little more initiative and is the one that makes things happen more than the other.

 

When it becomes problematic is when one person feels things just aren't moving along far enough or fast enough and it becomes a "pressuring" type issue.

 

From your descriptions you sound like your wife is very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants type person where everything depends on the mood of the moment whereas you have a specific endpoint in mind and want to find the fastest and most efficient route from point A to point Z.

 

As long as all parties are consenting and in agreement where the point Z is there is hope. You just need to find a way to work together where one isn't feeling pressured and that things are being too contrived and the other needs to feel the other one isn't dragging her feet and holding back for no valid reason.

 

Before I burn up any more bandwidth, am I on track so far or am I missing things completely?

[fun4t&c 57]

No I'm not meaning to be insulting just trying to understand. I guess I'm not getting what the issue is and what exactly it is you are asking of us. What is it exactly you are wanting her to do? Are you wanting her to dress sexy and flirt and dirty dance or are you wanting her to actually swing with you and you both have sex with other people? I guess I am missing something out of the equation so lets start with what exactly you are wanting to achieve.

 

You say that she has "cut loose" and "has it in her" so what is it you are trying to do?

 

Lets talk about you a little more and see if we can determine your role in this a little better. Are you a control freak? (I definately am so it's ok for me to ask that:lol:) Do you feel like it is up to you to make things happen and that if you don't make it happen it won't occur?

 

Do you feel like this is something she is wanting to do but that she has some kind of "block" inside her that is keeping her from doing it and that if you were better able to manipulate the environment that she would respond positively? (When you said you were trying to "unlock the code" made me think this may be the case) Do you feel like she is wanting to do it but is dragging her feet or just spinning her wheels? Do you feel like she wants to and would do a good of it but that she just needs a little "push/nudge" to get her started?

 

If you answered yes to any of those questions you may be a bit of a control freak and feel like it is up to you to make things happen, even if all parties are consenting. That's not a slam and that's not necessarily a bad thing. ALL couples have one person that has a little more initiative and is the one that makes things happen more than the other.

 

When it becomes problematic is when one person feels things just aren't moving along far enough or fast enough and it becomes a "pressuring" type issue.

 

From your descriptions you sound like your wife is very much a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants type person where everything depends on the mood of the moment whereas you have a specific endpoint in mind and want to find the fastest and most efficient route from point A to point Z.

 

As long as all parties are consenting and in agreement where the point Z is there is hope. You just need to find a way to work together where one isn't feeling pressured and that things are being too contrived and the other needs to feel the other one isn't dragging her feet and holding back for no valid reason.

 

Before I burn up any more bandwidth, am I on track so far or am I missing things completely?

 

Bingo! Now you're tracking. I'm not a control freak, but I was guilty of unwittingly creating some unintended "pressure" on this issue, which I regret. I do feel like she's dragging her feet more than I can understand, given her known wild side. I'm trying to tune into her required pace for things. That's been made extremely difficult, because she just recently learned what made her tick in so many ways and learned how to express her real feelings. Long story on that. So now that we're closer and she's a more effective communicator, she's indicated she wouldn't mind going back to a place like Desire's to party. I just have to handle it the right way.

 

Would I like to see her go wild and do a full swap? Sure, but all in good time. Would I like to play, too? Well, I'm a healthy guy, so I wouldn't mind that at all. My real attraction is to see HER flirt and play, though. I guess I could call it seeing her exercise her sexuality, or find another gear, or some other appropriate analogy for being a slut for the night/weekend.

 

That's why I'm on here and that's why I posted this thread. I want to learn what I should do to not screw things up. Yes, she has her own timing that is only and very spontaneous. She doesn't like for things to be arranged or contrived. Meanwhile, I'm sitting around like a little boy waiting for Christmas. ..."Mommy, is is Christmas yet? How 'bout now? Now?" You can see why I can't be doing that. So, I try to plan. If not deliberately, at least by getting an education on how not to screw up a potentially beautiful thing. Just dancing and flirting would be fun to see. She's seen me let loose at parties and clubs a couple times, meeting people all over the place. She keeps saying she really likes to see me having fun like that. She's impressed at how I socialize. That's interesting to me, because she's the same way, but with tits! Tits don't make EVERYTHING better.

 

Anyway, she's a social charmer, to be sure. However, I have to admit, what I'd really like to see, when the time is right, is her fully going at it. I want her to experience everything that life has to offer. We've been fortunate. We've worked hard and we have good careers. We've aquired some handsome assets along the way and we're both very happy and healthy. This would be just an another adventure that I feel she would be attracted to , if she finds the right people. Again, she's not attracted to just anybody. She's particularly selective. I guess that's where my "control" issue comes in on this. I've wanted to help create a situation where she can be with the beautiful people she would enjoy playing with. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Maybe I should just let it remain a dream. However, I've gone after all of my lifes goals and have accomplished them. I take action. I dare to fo for what others just sit around and talk about. That's why I started trying to help this dream along, just out of muscle memory. I really don't wnat her to feel anything but happy. ....So, I post and learn for now.

I hope that makes sense.

[ncmd_couple 597]

fun4t&c,

 

What you are looking for is a good on-premise swinger's club. You can plan for the date night for the two of you to go there, but you can not plan for what will happen there. Probably nothing, but, it could happen. All clubs are different, and I can't help you with choosing a club in your area. But if you have the power to do so, plan a trip to the Cottage in Gettysburg, PA. A sexy environment, no presure, make reservations for the VIP house and stay overnight. If she responds to the environment, good. If she doesn't, well, you will know. Plan for the place, not what happens.

 

S

[iapr 24]

Bingo! Now you're tracking. I'm not a control freak, but I was guilty of unwittingly creating some unintended "pressure" on this issue, which I regret. I do feel like she's dragging her feet more than I can understand, given her known wild side. I'm trying to tune into her required pace for things. That's been made extremely difficult, because she just recently learned what made her tick in so many ways and learned how to express her real feelings. Long story on that. So now that we're closer and she's a more effective communicator, she's indicated she wouldn't mind going back to a place like Desire's to party. I just have to handle it the right way.

 

Would I like to see her go wild and do a full swap? Sure, but all in good time. Would I like to play, too? Well, I'm a healthy guy, so I wouldn't mind that at all. My real attraction is to see HER flirt and play, though. I guess I could call it seeing her exercise her sexuality, or find another gear, or some other appropriate analogy for being a slut for the night/weekend.

 

That's why I'm on here and that's why I posted this thread. I want to learn what I should do to not screw things up. Yes, she has her own timing that is only and very spontaneous. She doesn't like for things to be arranged or contrived. Meanwhile, I'm sitting around like a little boy waiting for Christmas. ..."Mommy, is is Christmas yet? How 'bout now? Now?" You can see why I can't be doing that. So, I try to plan. If not deliberately, at least by getting an education on how not to screw up a potentially beautiful thing. Just dancing and flirting would be fun to see. She's seen me let loose at parties and clubs a couple times, meeting people all over the place. She keeps saying she really likes to see me having fun like that. She's impressed at how I socialize. That's interesting to me, because she's the same way, but with tits! Tits don't make EVERYTHING better.

 

Anyway, she's a social charmer, to be sure. However, I have to admit, what I'd really like to see, when the time is right, is her fully going at it. I want her to experience everything that life has to offer. We've been fortunate. We've worked hard and we have good careers. We've aquired some handsome assets along the way and we're both very happy and healthy. This would be just an another adventure that I feel she would be attracted to , if she finds the right people. Again, she's not attracted to just anybody. She's particularly selective. I guess that's where my "control" issue comes in on this. I've wanted to help create a situation where she can be with the beautiful people she would enjoy playing with. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Maybe I should just let it remain a dream. However, I've gone after all of my lifes goals and have accomplished them. I take action. I dare to fo for what others just sit around and talk about. That's why I started trying to help this dream along, just out of muscle memory. I really don't wnat her to feel anything but happy. ....So, I post and learn for now.

I hope that makes sense.

 

Well it takes one to know one and yes you ARE a bit of a control freak whether you like to admit it or not. What other people like to call control freaks, we ourselves prefer to think of ourselves as "go-getters" as we hate to sit on our hands and fiddle-fart around when there is something that we can be doing to make things happen.

 

A couple questions, - have you two actually talked about swinging and have you come right out and asked point blank if this is something she wants to do and if so what was her answer? If the answer is no then you have your answer and your fate is sealed, it ain't happening. We're all sexual beings and we all "have it in us" but most people do not want to swing.

 

 

- if the answer is yes, is she making forward progress on her own without you pushing? Or if left to her own devices does she remain in a fixed postion or even move backwards towards a more vanilla existence if you are not trying to make things happen?

 

Answer those questions and then we can come up with some ideas on how to proceed.

[fun4t&c 57]

Well it takes one to know one and yes you ARE a bit of a control freak whether you like to admit it or not. What other people like to call control freaks, we ourselves prefer to think of ourselves as "go-getters" as we hate to sit on our hands and fiddle-fart around when there is something that we can be doing to make things happen.

 

 

- if the answer is yes, is she making forward progress on her own without you pushing? Or if left to her own devices does she remain in a fixed postion or even move backwards towards a more vanilla existence if you are not trying to make things happen?

 

Yikes!

Yep, she seems to make no real progress on her own. Doh! Well, there's my answer, just like you said.

Ouch...

[iapr 24]

Yikes!

Yep, she seems to make no real progress on her own. Doh! Well, there's my answer, just like you said.

Ouch...

 

Yeah, that may be kind of a real telling sign. Here's the bottom line, people tend to do what they want to do.

 

Since you did not answer my question about if you have actually talked to her about swinging before, I will assume you have not. Regardless of what the background is, talking about is always the first step. Once you have open that can of worms then the ball is in her court and she is the one that will have to set the pace.

 

If you were to tell her you are open to the idea of swinging and would be ok with it and would like to do it and then you sat back and did nothing, what would happen? We she even ask about it? Would she say anything about it? Would she do anything about it?

 

If you open the door for discussion and she never brings it up, never asks "where do we go from here" and never does anything about it, then you have your answer.

 

It's ok to have one person be the one that initiates things and makes things happen but both people have to be in agreement on it and both people have to want to do it. If one person is just caught up in the inertia of the other person it will eventually blow up big time.

 

I'm assuming she knows where you stand on the whole thing so now it is her turn to take things to the next level and the ball is in her court. Actions speak louder than words and if she does nothing then nothing is what it is.

[sweet_tna 680]

Looks like IvoryTower and iapr have gotten you down to the nitty gritty of it all. But there is another perspective I'd like to offer up. You make a lot of mention of her "June Cleaver" self image and how it seems to be only a spontaneous encounter that prompts her to shuck that image and become the beautiful vixen you already know her to be.

 

It can be very difficult for a woman who was raised with a conservative background to see herself as a sexual being. And I can tell you from personal experience that even having your husband tell you repeatedly that you're beautiful and sexy doesn't always sink in. After all, he's your husband and he's supposed to think that. It wasn't until I jumped into the lifestyle that I realized he's not the only one to see me that way . . . and ultimately, I began to see myself that way. It sure makes it easier for me to let my "wild side" out.

 

And for what it's worth, I'm a bit of a control freak, too. So I do understand how tough it is to sit back and wait for your partner to catch up to your speed. But pushing her (even unintentionally) will only cause her to dig in her heels and move slower.

 

So keep talking to her, and hopefully you can find a way to compromise. Perhaps just going to a club, which allows her the opportunity to dress sexy & interact with others and for you to sit back and watch.

 

=)

[NCfuncouple98 367]

 

It can be very difficult for a woman who was raised with a conservative background to see herself as a sexual being. And I can tell you from personal experience that even having your husband tell you repeatedly that you're beautiful and sexy doesn't always sink in. After all, he's your husband and he's supposed to think that. It wasn't until I jumped into the lifestyle that I realized he's not the only one to see me that way . . . and ultimately, I began to see myself that way.

 

=)

 

This is so true. I had never considered myself as sexy as Mr. NC always told me I was. And we certainly didn't "jump" into the lifestyle - it was conversations brought up over a year ago that planted the seed. I hadn't worn a mini-skirt in probably 10 years, and now I just love dressing sexy, and am still shocked at times when other men find me sexy. I was raised very conservative, and Catholic, and thankfully my husband's patience made it possible for me to find my "wild" side.

 

So yes, keep talking. Go to a local off-premise club if possible. Bring her to these boards and go through the archives - there are so many people that have shared the same concerns to learn from! Read some erotic stories together. It may just take her there....