Are we just unlucky ?

[Day&Night 15]

My girlfriend and I have been swinging for about a year, have met / had dinner with about a dozen couples, been to the clubs and even had a few play dates. Our problem is that while we seem to click and have a great time with a few couples in a vanilla setting the play time has been less than fulfilling usually because the other guy has issues.

 

So far we have dealt with the "jealous guy issue" who just could not handle seeing his wife enjoy herself even though they were supposedly far more experienced than us.

 

The "quick cummer" who came about 2 minutes after my girl went down on him then felt like play time was over and it was time for them to go home.

 

The "can't get it up with a condom on" of course my girlfriend would not fuck him without a condom which ended that evening fairly quickly.

 

And of course the disappearing couples who after a nice evening, etc etc everyone gets along, things are great, lets set up a play date, then wham o you never hear from them again.

 

We did have one nice evening and play date with a very experienced couple they were about 5 years older than us. ( We are mid-forties ). They were great. No jealousy, attentive, and we got to live out one of our fantasies of us both fucking someone else in the same bed, side by side as we touched and watched each other.

 

My girlfriend is frustrated by all the other guy problems. She is patient and understanding but frankly is tiring of watching me have fun fucking and playing with the other women while she deals with the guy issues. She has occasionally given up on them and just joins in with me and the other lady but that usually causes problems with the other guys feeling left out. She then feels bad about leaving them out which usually ends the evening. We have not played in months because of the bad experiences and she now says she just wants us to play with other single women only, ( she is very bi ) which I know is nearly impossible to find.

 

My question after that long dissertation above is this: Is this the norm in the swinging world : 1:5 or One good experience to every 5 attempts ?

 

What has been your success ratio ?

[tribbles 490]

We don't try to play the way it sounds like you do so that may be why I think our 'success' rate is near 100%.

 

But we don't date. We like groups. Some guy in the group will be hard And some chick will be bi, like me. And we fall into the 'total slut' group where we sometimes never get other people names.

 

I will say I see this issue come up for many people who are looking for friends and playmates, so what you are experiencing is not isolated to you.

 

You might try not swapping....either just soft swing or even just watch and be watched....then once you know the couple function as you want, move slowing into full swapping play with them.

[N8ture Girl 318]

I can relate on some of these issues. When we first started into this lifestyle, the first 3 couples we played with the man couldnt stay hard with a condom. 6 months into swinging and I hadnt had sex yet....yeah it was a bummer, but I didnt let it get me down. After that, we had the jealousy issues..not the guy but the wife. Two couples back to back where the wife was jealous of me...wtf? By this time I (we) were at our wits end with this whole lifestyle crap. But fear not, we came here, read, learned and were back into the swing of things in no time

 

I really dont know what advice to give. We have found that trying to make friends first does not work. We have had better success playing first then developing a friendship after. Granted we do have a fair amount of dialog prior to our playdates (unless its a house party situation) to get a feel for the couple, their likes, dislikes, personality, that sort of thing.

 

Moral of the story, these things happen. Keep an open mind, keep the communication open, be patient, good things come to those who wait

[The Fuse 1,012]

We are more like you than tribbles, where we want to play with couples we at least know a little bit.

 

Hopefully this will be good news for you: While we have dealt with our fair share of guy problems, our ratio is much better than one good experience out of five. I'd say we have a good experience with no "other guy problems" somewhere between three and four times out of five. We are early forties and the guys have been anywhere from early thirties to early fifties.

 

We have seen general lack of wood, the guy who can't stay hard without a condom, and jealousy issues. But to answer your question, I think that yes, you have had a string of bad luck. I hope your luck changes soon.

 

And like N8ture Girl wrote, we have discovered that it is many times best to strike while the iron is hot. We like to have a report with the other couple, at least some time spent talking and getting acquainted at a party. Our preference is to have a vanilla date before a play date. But, over time it has become apparent to us that sometimes if you don't just go for it the night you meet, you don't get another chance.

[TravlParty 87]

I'm curious how you're going about meeting playmates. Are you strictly using sites to meet one-on-one and then plan a play date later? Then yes, I think that your string of bad luck is normal.

 

Once we left the internet site dating and went to house parties, clubs and groups, we had much better luck.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

I'm curious how you're going about meeting playmates. Are you strictly using sites to meet one-on-one and then plan a play date later? Then yes, I think that your string of bad luck is normal.

 

Once we left the internet site dating and went to house parties, clubs and groups, we had much better luck.

 

That may have to be what we change to, as like DAY&NIGHT we have had horrible luck also. We are 3 for 3 at the moment with two no preformances and one premature one. Just having hopes that our next one works or Bunny may never want to try again.

[VANudistcpl 109]

We've had similar results, and think it is just part of the lifestyle. We have tried the vanilla date before hand and the strike while the fire is hot both with mixed results. We have had good and bad results with meeting couples over the net and at clubs. Our advice is to just hang in there eventually it will come together.

[Day&Night 15]

I'm curious how you're going about meeting playmates. Are you strictly using sites to meet one-on-one and then plan a play date later? Then yes, I think that your string of bad luck is normal.

 

Once we left the internet site dating and went to house parties, clubs and groups, we had much better luck.

 

We were meeting others strictly by using web sites, meet, then plan another play date. We recently gave up on all the web sites and cancelled our memberships. Too much work and not enough results. Now we are trying to meet others by going to the clubs and swinger event parties, meet and greets and maybe even group travel. Seems that way we might meet more serious people that are comfortable already with swinging.

[TravlParty 87]

Excellent!

 

Don't forget to check out the club listing and reviews here at this site.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I'm curious how you're going about meeting playmates. Are you strictly using sites to meet one-on-one and then plan a play date later? Then yes, I think that your string of bad luck is normal.

 

Once we left the internet site dating and went to house parties, clubs and groups, we had much better luck.

I'm curious... why would these problems be more prevalent depending on whether you meet someone at a party or club versus for dinner?

 

Can you elaborate?

[Guest screaminggood]

The Fuse: Because online/dinner dating seems to involve many people who either aren't certain of what they want to do or aren't "real" at all. At clubs, parties, etc., the people seem to have a better idea of what they're looking for. It also has the bonus of many people to select from, not just one couple at dinner. The atmosphere, being openly sexual, in a club is also more stimulating.

 

For Day & Night, let us know how the clubs work for you. I must admit (and yes, I'm prepared to get nailed from the masses), I prefer to have single men rather than the husband half of a couple as they don't usually have the issues your wife has experienced.

[The Fuse 1,012]

The Fuse: Because online/dinner dating seems to involve many people who either aren't certain of what they want to do or aren't "real" at all. At clubs, parties, etc., the people seem to have a better idea of what they're looking for. It also has the bonus of many people to select from, not just one couple at dinner. The atmosphere, being openly sexual, in a club is also more stimulating.

I'll buy that. There are some guys, though, who have problems in a group setting. I have in mind one guy I met at a party, who had a lot of problems in a group room. I don't know that it was because of the distractions, but that dynamic seems like something to be aware of.

 

It does seem like if a couple is at a party, and is used to being at parties, that they could well have a better idea of what they are looking for.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My one suggestion would be for you to slow down and maybe pay a little more attention to what is going on with your girlfriend and the guy she's with, so that if things appear to not be going well you can stop things with the wife as well and maybe switch back to your own partners. This is what we typically do and it has worked well for us when performance issues crop up (whether they are our own or the other couples).

[good times 991]

It is possible you are just having a run of bad luck as it seems to go in spurts with us. We will have a bunch of experiences where no one has any problems and then have a couple in a row where things are mediocre at best.

 

On the other hand, if this trend continues, you may want to change your approach. We have experienced and have seen others experience performance problems a lot over the years, and contrary to what some would like to believe, in most cases, the woman just isn't doing it for the guy. We have encountered, what we refer to as the dead fish syndrome a lot in swinging. That is where the woman whips off her clothes and expects the guy to spring to attention without any further effort on her part. Or when the guy doesn't immediately respond with an erection to what she is doing, the woman will take it personally and quit instead of changing her approach to help alleviate the problem. I'll have to admit that once I passed about the age of 40 or so, if a woman requires me to use a condom she had better be, talented, enthusiastic, take direction well, and be patient if she expects me to get it up. This is especially true amongst experienced swingers. The fact is, one of the down sides to being an active swinger is that you actually get used to seeing naked women regularly. The result of which is that a lot of times just seeing a woman naked isn't enough to result in an erection.

 

So, while you may just be having an unlucky string of encounters, if the problem persists don't get discouraged, instead look to yourselves for what you can do to make the guys be more comfortable and get more aroused by your approach.

[lustylearning 705]

It sounds like a run of bad luck. I can't help but agree with the idea that meeting in a club or at a meet n' greet can give you better odds. You can learn more about a couple in 10 minutes of silent observation than you can in multiple reads of a profile. The face to face meeting in a club or at a party is also a no pressure situation - no commitment of time, no opportunity for nerves to get rattled beforehand, etc.

[Day&Night 15]

All good advice, thanks for the responses and yes we have done as Julie has suggested and swapped back to our own partners but then we usually end up staying that way and the other couple leaves soon after.

 

It just seems like when we have issues we work through them on the fly. If I lose wood for whatever reason, I don't worry much about it, just move on to other venue's. Just cause you lose it for a minute doesn't mean your hands, mouth, tongue ect stops working. Same thing if you cum too quick, just means that she was good ! Don't get frustrated a think its time to leave ! It does come back rather quickly if you stay in the game. We are relatively new to swinging as a couple but it seems like we have just not meet the right people yet who are as comfortable as we are.

 

We enjoy the flirting / anticipation of an evening out with another couple nearly as much as the actual play time. I guess that why so far except for that one time, the end of the night play time has not lived up to the flirting / anticipation. We so enjoy being able to share this naughty side of ourselves with others. when out on the town, having dinner ect. Its so liberating to be able to flirt and play around with someone new while your SO is right there with you doing the same thing.

 

Were not giving up yet still figuring out how all this works !

[lizandtom 512]

DAY&NIGHT, after reading all the posts on the topic, first thing I would reflect on, is how much chemistry was there between your g/f and the other guys before hitting the sheets? Its one thing to joke over drinks, but if an adequate amount of chemistry wasn't felt by THE OTHER GUY, then all the symptoms are right on; no wood, premature cumming. BTW you stated that with quick cumming "she was that good" ; that isn't always true; many guys, when they do manage to get it up when feeling uncomfortable, can shoot too soon out of nervousness if the're sensing that the girl isn't taking to him very well.

 

As has been stated already, by doing the dinner/movies/drinks first, one couple at a time, is akin to going into an unknown neighborhood looking for a girl named Suzie; i.e. you'll knock on 10 doors before perhaps finding one. Chemistry only comes about through face to face attraction [90% of communication is non-verbal] so a swingers club increases the chances 10 fold that you'll find more sexually compatible people, whether it's on or off premise.

[TravlParty 87]

I'm curious... why would these problems be more prevalent depending on whether you meet someone at a party or club versus for dinner?

 

They want to "click", and that takes more time than a simple meet for dinner, in my opinion. Hell, the staff don't usually leave you alone so you can talk. They want to turn their table over. Realistically, how much can you flirt at a vanilla restaurant.

 

When you meet at clubs and parties, there's no time limit to how much you can get to know each other. And if it doesn't work out, there's many more couples there to choose from.

 

I'm just saying what works for us. I have no beef with the internet sites and use the events and party sections all the time. It's the one-on-one meets that don't work for us.

[The Fuse 1,012]

They want to "click", and that takes more time than a simple meet for dinner, in my opinion. Hell, the staff don't usually leave you alone so you can talk. They want to turn their table over. Realistically, how much can you flirt at a vanilla restaurant.

 

When you meet at clubs and parties, there's no time limit to how much you can get to know each other. And if it doesn't work out, there's many more couples there to choose from.

 

I'm just saying what works for us. I have no beef with the internet sites and use the events and party sections all the time. It's the one-on-one meets that don't work for us.

I find it endlessly interesting how different people are! See, for us, we "click" better over dinner or drinks in a setting where we're there to focus on each other, as opposed to a party or club where there are so many people, and dancing, etc. Unlike TravlParty, we feel much more comfortable with a couple after spending what we consider more quality time with them. That might be as little as an hour of time during which we talk about a variety of subjects, including swinging. At a party I am usually struggling to hear and be heard, and talking to a lot of people in turn rather than one couple more attentively. This is just us... your mileage may (will) vary.

 

However, TravlParty is obviously right on when they write about there being so many couples to choose from at a party.

 

Earlier in this thread, people were writing that people at parties are usually more sure of what they want. I think that can be true most of the time, though it occurred to me later that many of those couples (more at clubs than at parties) really just want to be in a sexually charged atmosphere, and have no desire or intention to play with others. That has been the subject of many threads on this Board. So for the OP, it's something to watch out for.

 

Also, if you have met a couple from their online ad, you usually have an idea in advance whether their preferences meet yours. For instance, they state whether they are full or soft swap, whether either member is bisexual, and other things. Many of these things have nothing to do with whether you will experience problems once you are in a play situation, but they help you decide whether or not you want to play in the first place.

 

When we meet couples, sometimes we actually ask these questions in advance... have you ever felt jealous... do you often play multiple times with the same couple... etc. You get a lot of good information that way, both verbal and nonverbal.

[Chicup 41]

chemistry wasn't felt by THE OTHER GUY, then all the symptoms are right on; no wood, premature cumming.

 

I would think being premature would be just the opposite

[lizandtom 512]

See, for us, we "click" better over dinner or drinks in a setting where we're there to focus on each other, as opposed to a party or club where there are so many people, and dancing, etc.

 

Clicking over dinner and being sexually compatible in the bedroom are pretty different imho; thats great that you click upon first meet and can move on to the bedroom with everyone you encounter; but the problem that the OP is having trouble with is after it heads to the bedroom. The suggestions about meeting at a party or club at random, imho, is to find more mutually sexually attracted and compatible people before to get frisky with. This is to reduce the chances of her being with guys that can't get and keep wood.

 

Sure, we meet established friends over dinner, drinks, family functions but meeting a new couple over dinner and drinks could waste a whole night if enough chemistry in the bedroom doesn't come about.

 

To the OP, I suggest attending some clubs and/or parties and let your g/f do the choosing. You should just hang back and let her point out someone who she'd like to meet, then help facilitate it by making an introduction. Its a game we play when in a club or party called "who do you want?"

[Chicup 41]

chemistry wasn't felt by THE OTHER GUY, then all the symptoms are right on; no wood, premature cumming.

 

I would think being premature would be just the opposite

 

But to the subject at hand.

 

There are SO many reasons I guy might have issues in bed its irresponsible to try to single it down for any one poster, all we can do is give general suggestions.

 

1 - Sometimes people try to fix a bad sex life with swinging. The reason they have a bad sex life is the guy just isn't very good at it. I know a couple like this.

 

2 - Typical ED medical issues. You don't see all those viagra/cialis adds on TV because companies like to spend money. I'll put too much drinking in here too, but if the guys sloppy drunk, why are you playing?

 

3 - Performance anxiety. I remember watching some documentary style piece on the porn industry and some couple paid a porn producer to film them for a personal porn. The guy, youngish, couldn't get it up, with his own wife. The producer told the guy its normal and its why he films porn rather than star in it, he has issues too in front of the camera. Its also why old school male porn stars were so annoyed by 'recreational viagra' as a lot of men who can't get hard under pressure now could.

 

4 - Wet fish women. The only time I almost had an issue with a play partner was when she just laid there dead fish style. I'm sure this is a bit of female performance anxiety for some, they don't want to seem to into it in front of their husband, or don't want to seem slutty, or maybe just suck in bed. In my case it turned out her husband was NOT well hung, (sorry Mrs. Chicup) as in itty bitty. I think there was a bit of protecting the husbands ego going on. Of course maybe she wasn't into me but lets not be crazy. (That was a joke in case you are self depreciating sarcasm impaired )

 

5 - Finally hes just not into her. It might be pure looks, it might be a combination of #4 and looks, it might be she said something he didn't like. It doesn't matter.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Clicking over dinner and being sexually compatible in the bedroom are pretty different imho;

Agreed. I just don't think it's any easier or harder to know about sexual compatibility in the bedroom any better by meeting at a party than by meeting over dinner. I'm just saying we make a better connection with people in a more relaxed setting, and that connection is necessary to get to the bedroom in the first place.

 

thats great that you click upon first meet and can move on to the bedroom with everyone you encounter;

I never said that! I said that we have an easier time making that connection in a more quiet, relaxed setting like a restaurant than we do at a club. Mr. Fuse is a shy guy, and can more easily have a good conversation in a 2-on-2 situation. Though I am not shy, I have a lot of trouble hearing and making myself heard at a club.

 

During a 2-on-2 conversation, we also feel more comfortable bringing up topics that help us anticipate any problems in the bedroom -- mentioning jealousy, the offhand comment about having seen performance issues, etc. After all, in the 2-on-2 situation, you've met each other because you have already established the possibility of interest. Talk about these subjects is more likely to be welcomed. At a party, we feel a little forward asking these questions, and we've ended up in situations where play had to be stopped or did not go well. This is part of what the OP is trying to avoid.

 

but the problem that the OP is having trouble with is after it heads to the bedroom. The suggestions about meeting at a party or club at random, imho, is to find more mutually sexually attracted and compatible people before to get frisky with. This is to reduce the chances of her being with guys that can't get and keep wood.

Being mutually sexually attracted doesn't mean the guy will be able to get and keep his erection. A guy shouldn't go into a bedroom with a woman he's not attracted to, whether he met her at a club, party, dinner or wherever. Someone else listed a whole litany of reasons a guy might be wood-challenged, point being that attraction is just one component of a successful play time.

 

You may meet more people at a club, but that doesn't mean you will be any more compatible with those you find a mutual attraction with. Or worse, you may find the one couple out of 50 at a party you're attracted to and who like you too, spend a lot of time talking to them, and then find out they are looking for something different than you are, like just same room sex or soft swap vs. full swap. A lot of time can be spent on these conversations at a party, before you discover the basic incompatibilities you would have found by reading someone's profile, and then setting up drinks. Both basic methods have their pluses and minuses. One may work better for a particular couple than another. In any case, I hope the OP has been well served by the advice here.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

As has been stated already, by doing the dinner/movies/drinks first, one couple at a time, is akin to going into an unknown neighborhood looking for a girl named Suzie; i.e. you'll knock on 10 doors before perhaps finding one. Chemistry only comes about through face to face attraction [90% of communication is non-verbal] so a swingers club increases the chances 10 fold that you'll find more sexually compatible people, whether it's on or off premise.

 

I have to agree with this. When it comes to sexual attraction you typically know if that is there within the first 5 minutes... hell on first sight, most often. And if it's not there you know it as well. I think what happens in a lot of cases with the whole one one one dinner thing is that you've already invested so much time into this couple and there was that potential for play already put out there before you met so one couple (or both) may end up feeling obligated to play, regardless of whether there is really 4 way chemistry.

 

I would suggest that if you want to go the route of meeting for dinner first, that you make it a statement up front that there will be no play that night, no matter what. This gives everyone enough time to go home and talk with each other and make sure that EVERYONE is really into each other. And if so then next time you get together, skip dinner and go straight for the play. If not, then there's no issue and you can all move on.

[WeDive 57]

In our experience

 

EXPECTATIONS = DISAPPOINTMENTS

 

We've never had a bad experience; some have and are better than others. A bit of performance anxiety doesn't qualify as a bad experience to us. It happens. You have to remember that it takes two to tango and sometimes it may be something YOU are doing or not doing.

 

We look on the bright side of things and enjoy each experience for what it is. If you're only goal is to have the best sex you've ever had with each couple, then most times you will fall short of that. If you enjoy several individual parts of the encounter, by the time you add up a lot of little things that you enjoyed it will have been a successful adventure.

 

We personally have found that familiarity helps everyone become comfortable and the sex gets better over time. This doesn't work for everyone, but it works well for us. Getting to know what each person enjoys and losing natural inhibitions helps everyone relax and be at their best.

 

We also observe frustrations from people that are trying to conquer the swinging world. Take your time, relax, enjoy yourselves and your sexual freedom. There's no rush. If you have a bad experience -- chalk it up as a learning experience and use it to improve yourselves. Maybe you do something different while playing, maybe you select people better, maybe you listen to your gut instinct, or something along those lines. If the experience is not what you are looking for continually, you have to change something to get a different result.

 

Good luck and happy swinging!

[Day&Night 15]

I have to agree with this. When it comes to sexual attraction you typically know if that is there within the first 5 minutes... hell on first sight, most often. And if it's not there you know it as well. I think what happens in a lot of cases with the whole one one one dinner thing is that you've already invested so much time into this couple and there was that potential for play already put out there before you met so one couple (or both) may end up feeling obligated to play, regardless of whether there is really 4 way chemistry.

 

I think this is very true Julie. Thanks everyone for the advice and comments. We have enjoyed our interactions for the most part with others even when the play was less than spectacular. For us the play time is just a nice bonus. We really like interacting with other like-minded couples and sharing things we would not discuss with our vanilla friends.

 

As others have stated we are not into swinging just for the sake of sex. We have a great sex life with each other, we just like expanding our experiances. We have not as yet played with a couple that we just met, say like at a club or house party. Not saying it will not happen just the opportunity just has not presented itself.

 

Again thank you all for the positive suggestions.

[exploringRM 305]

Reading many of the responses make me think about where my wife and I are at this point. We've met just a few couples in both vanilla settings and lifestyle clubs. In a vanilla setting we find it a bit difficult to really assess the sexy part of the relationship. As stated earlier, you know right away if it's no way, but the other end of that spectrum takes some time to discover. For those that are successful meeting over dinner or drinks in a vanilla setting, how do you crank up the sexiness in that setting? In a LS club, you can dance, touch, flirt, much more out in the open. (Heck that last meeting we had with a couple, quite far from our house, we ran into my mom-in-law's, boyfriend's daughter + her husband. That information got back to wife's mom very quick and had to make up a story why were there..lol)