Does swinging equal sex addiction?

[NymphoWind 16]

Is there really much of a difference between the two?

 

They say sex addiction is a bad thing, but some may not have great views on swinging...

 

Can a swinging person be someone considered sex addicted?

 

To be honest I have a huge sex drive, and I love most aspects that are a part of sex, beyond that I believe that it is part of who we are as human beings and a very natural thing, which also draws me and my partner into a curiousness over the swinging lifestyle, something we find ourselves being drawn closer to all the time...

 

Anyways, would those who are in the lifestyle consider themselves sex addicts?

[IvoryTowers 380]

I honestly don't know a great deal about sex addiction. However, if it is like other forms of addiction it is not about having a huge sex drive. It is about allowing sex to run and even ruin your life.

 

Think about people who are emotional overeaters. Food is wonderful and necessary, but no one really enjoys binging. No one enjoys the results of overindulgence in food - illness, obesity, public shame. And I assume that sex addicts don't actually enjoy sex, but instead feel driven to constant sexual encounters, feel out of control and distressed by the results. Those results can include destroyed relationships, shame, even jail time!

 

So yeah, I'd say there's a huge difference between swinging and sexual addiction.

[knb2004 364]

I think most "instances" of sexual addiction are merely super-prude wives who are aghast and offended that their husbands value systems are much more flexible than their own. (Apologies for the sexist tone, and of course there are exceptions to the rule, but that is the statistical reality.) Rather than acknowledge that different isn't necessarily wrong, they're so attached to their positions that any deviation from that must be pathological, and if it's pathological it must be an addiction, as nobody in their right mind would ever consider such a thing reasonable.

 

If you think I'm wrong, go peruse some anti-porn message boards. Once you read a woman declare there's "no need for more than one sexual position to create intimacy" after declaring her hubby a sex addict for reading Playboy, or some other such drivel, you may just think I'm onto something.

[Chicup 41]

knb2004 said:

I think most "instances" of sexual addiction are merely super-prude wives who are aghast and offended that their husbands value systems are much more flexible than their own.

 

While my instinct tells me 'sex addiction' sounds like complete psycho babble bullshit dreamed up to create another 'condition' that needs insurance coverage, I don't know enough to really say that with authority. Though interestingly I just read this comedy bit poking a bit of fun of people like you describe.

 

My favorite or guys who's wives won't even talk to them because they looked at porn...

 

Blazing Grace

[bicuriocpl 90]

Sexual addiction is like any other type of addiction. It becomes the ruling thing in your waking life. Sex becomes a way to deal with the pressures of the world rather than for pleasure. One can have an addiction to almost anything if the desire for it over rules common sense and thoughts of other things. If family life, work and personal time for others suffers because of wanting & having sex to the exclusion of all else, then you might be addicted.

[Chicup 41]

Sexual addiction is like any other type of addiction. It becomes the ruling thing in your waking life. Sex becomes a way to deal with the pressures of the world rather than for pleasure. One can have an addiction to almost anything if the desire for it over rules common sense and thoughts of other things. If family life, work and personal time for others suffers because of wanting & having sex to the exclusion of all else, then you might be addicted.

 

For me an addiction is a biochemical dependency. There are lots of things people do too much but are not a true dependency. Hell I'm sure at points in my life I'd be considered a computer game addict, and yet it wasn't a dependency, just something I liked to do which took to much of my time.

 

Lets look at a list of symptoms....

 

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

 

* Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)

* Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)

* Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands

* Consistent use of pornography

* Unsafe sex

* Phone or computer sex (cybersex)

* Prostitution or use of prostitutes

* Exhibitionism

* Obsessive dating through personal ads

* Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking

* Sexual harassment

* Molestation/rape

 

Those in bold are all things I have done and yet I know I'm not a sex addict. The therapy is....

 

Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality. Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available. In some cases, medications used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder may be used to curb the compulsive nature of the sex addiction. These medications include Prozac and Anafranil.

 

So talk it out and take Prozac?

 

My guess is that there are some real sex addicts out there who just can't stop and know its hurting their lives, but I also guess that a majority of people diagnosed are just people with a normal high sex drive. I have the playboy channel and I'll often have it on in the background late night while I work at the computer. Its more of a background noise then anything else, but how do you think that would sound in a session.

 

Psychologist: Mr. Chicup, how often do you watch porn.

Me: Well, every night.

Psychologist: I see *writes in his note book*

Psy: Have you have sex with people other than your wife?

Me: Yes

Psy: Often?

Me: Yes

Psy: *writes down more* Does Mrs. Chicup know about this?

Me: Yes

Psy: Does she know about the other women, it is women right?

Me: Yes and yes... hell sometimes she joins in.

Psy: *writes down furiously* Do you encourage her to join in?

Me: Yes

Psy: *writes down a paragraph*

.......100 questions later

Psy: Mr. Chicup I am afraid you are a sex addict, there is no doubt at all, your constant viewing of pornography, your unsafe sex, your multiple partners, you risking your job and dragging your wife into it, you must do something before it takes over your life completely!

Me: O'Rly?

[willyoats 324]

Swinging and sex addiction are completely separate catagories of behavior. Comparing them is almost the apples and oranges cliche. There may be some overlap, as some swingers may be sex addicts, and some sex addicts may be swingers. That's no different from saying that some Floridians are bank robbers and some bank robbers are Floridians, i.e. separate catagories of behabvior with some potential overlap.

[joaninla 162]

As far as I'm concerned, an addiction is when the substance/action starts to take over life. You no longer feel in control, there is a constant preoccupation, and the addiction is interfering with relationships and work. Treating anyaddiction is a tough thing.

[athenagirl 36]

For me an addiction is a biochemical dependency. There are lots of things people do too much but are not a true dependency. Hell I'm sure at points in my life I'd be considered a computer game addict, and yet it wasn't a dependency, just something I liked to do which took to much of my time.

 

Lets look at a list of symptoms....

 

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction include:

 

* Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)

* Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)

* Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands

* Consistent use of pornography

* Unsafe sex

* Phone or computer sex (cybersex)

* Prostitution or use of prostitutes

* Exhibitionism

* Obsessive dating through personal ads

* Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking

* Sexual harassment

* Molestation/rape

 

Those in bold are all things I have done and yet I know I'm not a sex addict. The therapy is....

 

Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality. Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available. In some cases, medications used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder may be used to curb the compulsive nature of the sex addiction. These medications include Prozac and Anafranil.

 

So talk it out and take Prozac?

 

My guess is that there are some real sex addicts out there who just can't stop and know its hurting their lives, but I also guess that a majority of people diagnosed are just people with a normal high sex drive. I have the playboy channel and I'll often have it on in the background late night while I work at the computer. Its more of a background noise then anything else, but how do you think that would sound in a session.

 

Psychologist: Mr. Chicup, how often do you watch porn.

Me: Well, every night.

Psychologist: I see *writes in his note book*

Psy: Have you have sex with people other than your wife?

Me: Yes

Psy: Often?

Me: Yes

Psy: *writes down more* Does Mrs. Chicup know about this?

Me: Yes

Psy: Does she know about the other women, it is women right?

Me: Yes and yes... hell sometimes she joins in.

Psy: *writes down furiously* Do you encourage her to join in?

Me: Yes

Psy: *writes down a paragraph*

.......100 questions later

Psy: Mr. Chicup I am afraid you are a sex addict, there is no doubt at all, your constant viewing of pornography, your unsafe sex, your multiple partners, you risking your job and dragging your wife into it, you must do something before it takes over your life completely!

Me: O'Rly?

LOL! Yes, you are right: what passes for normal in most of society would lead some to brand swingers as sex addicts, or at the very least, sexually deviant. And apparently, there's a "cure" for that! (I'm passing!)

[interested-05 135]

Sex Addicts Anonymous, don't think I'm addicted but the meetings might be fun.

 

Supposedly there are more alcoholics in America than Europe. Maybe Europe has a higher threshold of tolerance before one is recognized as an alcoholic?

 

Different standards for different societies,a.k.a."different strokes for diffferent folks".

[celtic239 297]

I just read a very good article recently on Kasidie.com - a swingers publication that debunks the sex addiction myth. What so called experts are calling a "sex addict" is in reality someone who had a compulsion for sexual activities. An addiction, generally, is caused by introducing chemicals into the body that create the release of endorphines into the rewards system of the brain causing the brain to be overloaded, hence the feeling of prolonged euphoria.

 

Swinging, from my understanding, for many is a hobby that involves recreational sex. By definition it is a shared activity, something that addiction is not (no heroin junkie or crack head is going to "share" his stash with anyone). Anyone can develop a compulsion to perform any type of activity that is intrinsically normal (golfing, fishing, washing ones hands) and while most people may think that this type of behavior is counter productive it is not an addiction. The same applies to sex.

 

I want to thank Chicup for providing the list of alleged behaviors associated with "sexual addiction". If you examine them individually you will find that a great many "normal" people on this planet have engaged in one or more to those activities. These so-called experts know have a vast audience from which to peddle their therapy and make money by convincing everyone that they are addicted and that they need to be cleansed of this addiction. It is truly a scam.

[Hotwallabies 90]

Have to agree with many of the posts which have preceded this one. Swinging is not sexual addiction although in some cases it could be.

 

For the past ten years I worked with addicts directly, and while Chicup is right in saying that addiction has a biochemical aspect, there is also an even larger psychological aspect to it.

 

Anything becomes an addiction when it becomes harmful to the user and the people around them and yet they just can't seem to stop even if they really want to. A woman (or man) who loads up all her credit cards to the max buying clothes even though her/his family is having a hard time paying bills is likely to have a shopping addiction. A guy/girl who spends hours and hours on the computer neglecting spouse, children, and friends could be addicted to the computer.

 

These are always (in my experience) people with some pretty deep seated and undealt with issues who are using drugs, sex, shopping, food, or porn etc. to cover up and escape from emotional pain.

 

Is swinging an addiction? No, but it could be. Does it dominate your thinking? When you're doing your non-swinging activities do you not enjoy them because all you can think about is sex with someone else? Are you neglecting other responsibilities in order to swing or set up swinging? Have you tried to stop or had your spouse ask you to stop and just can't? Well then you might have an addiction. But, if swinging is just a part of an overall reasonably healthy life than it is not addiction, maybe a perversion:D, but not an addiction.

[Guest screaminggood]

Ok, it's time for a professional viewpoint...as a licensed psychotherapist:

 

First and foremost, all therapists are not the same. It's always most important that you choose a therapist that you feel comfortable with...and the one Chicup parodies would not work for anyone on this Board. Yes, they do exist, but so do many good ones who wouldn't judge you for what you've said.

 

....And by the way, I only write during the initial "history" session. After that I do my notes after you leave so it won't disrupt your thoughts.

 

 

There's no such thing as "sex addiction" in the diagnostic manual. There are several other topics listed under paraphilias, sexual aversion disorder, orgasmic disorders, etc., but no "sex addiction." Multiple partners is not a diagnostic key either; however, if there's a danger element in it (going to a dangerous part of town and picking up strangers off the street that carry guns and knives) then it could be considered in that context.

 

The key to a diagnosis is that it's a long-standing issue that causes "significant clinical distress or dysfunction." In other words, if you're getting fired from a job for flashing during the work day---then it's a "dysfunctional behavior" because it cost you a job, which is also probably why you're in my office.

 

Many have already answered the OP question correctly. As a microcosm of society, there are swingers that have diagnosable disorders, but all swingers are not dysfunctional/diagnosable.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

While Chicup is right on on the potential behaviours associated with sexual addiction there is a little more to it. An addiction is something that you feel you can't do without and that you end up willing to risk your family/friends/job for. I guess considering the latter you could still say swinging is a sexual addiction. But, I think that for most people they could/would give it up if they felt they needed/wanted to (if they were going to lose their spouse over it). I think most of us have spent some time considering what we could lose if our swinging got out and we've considered what we are willing to lose, and what would make us want to give up swinging. Typical addicts don't even consider those things.

 

There are swingers who are sex addicts. Swingers who don't care about much else (or so it seems) and just want to get their freak on, with whomever, whenever. But, I don't think you can say that all swingers are sex addicts any more than you can say all sex addicts are swingers. We may exhibit some of the symptoms but that doesn't mean we have the disease.

[Malachista 170]

I really have a problem with people who declare themself to be *sex addicts* just because they swing and prefer to have sex 3 or 4 times a week when in a relationship. Because to me, that does not sound like and addict, just someone with a high libido.

 

I think to be an addict you really need more then that, and that this need does not make you happy, because you know that there is still something missing in it all

[dodgechevy 149]

I always thought that an "addiction" was easy to identify? I thought I read somewhere that an "addiction" is any act that causes harm to self and/or others. I.E, alcoholics binge, workaholics working to the point of exhaustion, computer addicts neglecting children to play WoW, etc, etc.

 

Also if I remember correctly, most addicts are not particularly aimed in 1 direction, by that I mean that you might be an alcoholic, you then quit drinking, but instead now you do cocaine, and vice versa.

[WesternSwing 504]

Although the frigid and self-righteous would add "sex addict" to the long list of offenses against humanity that they feel swingers commit, sex is only an addiction if it interferes with other required life activities, like work and interaction with others besides having sex with them.

[LFM2 1,482]

 

When sex starts to interfere with your activities of normal daily living, then you have a problem. If you fail to go work day after day because you got a better offer, this is interfering with your activities of daily living. When sex becomes more important than taking care of your family, etc... Professional help is probably warranted.

 

As far as we're concerned, we really do like sex, but we're not addicts. We both have stable jobs, family comes first, etc. We might be a bit more perverted than others compared to us, but we're not addicts.

[knb2004 364]

I was somewhat flip in my initial response to this topic, yet at the same time I was not wrong.

 

I spend a great deal of time, as some of you know, studying human behavior, motivations, actions etc, and while that research is in no way limited to aspects of sexuality and human relationships, it is a significant portion of it. That has led me to many far flung places throughout cyberspace, from the extreme sex negative, to the extreme sex positive, and just about everywhere in between.

 

In fact, I do believe that some people have behavior patterns that result in extremely negative compulsive behaviors with regard to their own sexuality, I likewise believe that the overwhelming majority of people walking around with that label, be it applied by their spouse, friends, a bonifide therapist, or even themselves are really dealing with the fact that they and their significant other have vastly different value systems, and sense of right and wrong about what's sometimes acceptable, verses never, under any circumstances. Though my first marriage did not end exclusively due to sexual differences between me and my ex, we were a classic case of that phenomenon. She was quite sex negative, and to her, the very fact that I considered the idea of allowing others into our sexual relationship as anything but reprehensible was indicative that I had significant problems. The phrase "sexual addiction" never came up, but the message was the same, yet my sex positive current wife has no such inclinations. The message: Sexual addiction is usually in the eye of the beholder.

 

To someone who believes, to their core, that watching porn, or masturbating, or flirting, or any one of a multitude of things most readers of this board consider just a normal part of their day to day existence is so wrong, so evil, so perverse then it's easy to conclude that there are no circumstances under which someone who is healthy will, or would, partake. Therefore, they label an otherwise healthy person as an addict, for if they cannot be so labeled, it implies that, at least under some set of circumstances, the underlying behaviors are acceptable and healthy, and to admit that puts their vision of the totality of human sexuality in very choppy waters.

[IvoryTowers 380]

To someone who believes, to their core, that watching porn, or masturbating, or flirting, or any one of a multitude of things most readers of this board consider just a normal part of their day to day existence is so wrong, so evil, so perverse then it's easy to conclude that there are no circumstances under which someone who is healthy will, or would, partake. Therefore, they label an otherwise healthy person as an addict, for if they cannot be so labeled, it implies that, at least under some set of circumstances, the underlying behaviors are acceptable and healthy, and to admit that puts their vision of the totality of human sexuality in very choppy waters.

 

This is sadly true, and the phrase is thrown around loosely by people who, just as you describe, are sex negative and judgmental. I think it is also thrown around by people who are trying to avoid responsibility for their actions ("I couldn't help going to the strip club and spending our rent money on lap dances! I'm a sex addict!")

 

But I do think there are also people who are truly, horribly driven by sexual desires that they cannot control and which destroy their lives. Pedophiles, for example. Some are awful people, but I think there are some who are ashamed of their desires, wish more than anything they could change, and yet find themselves with urges they cannot fight (please note, I am not and never will defend pedophiles in any way!).

[Guest screaminggood]

"Hollywood Hyperbole" would be a great name for it. Someone else was correct...it could be termed closer to a compulsion. The technical name would be an "Impulse Control Disorder Not Otherwise Specified." But the fact that it's not there should point you in the direction of thinking that there's something else that goes with the dysfunctional behavior, i.e. depression, and the sexual acting out is a symptom, not the disease.

 

And no, NCMD---it doesn't make you an addict, or any disorder, because you're spending more time on the board. You're just enjoying your time off in between resume letters, etc. Just like any other hobby!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Like others have said, I'm of the opinion that if it is not controlling your life in some way, then you aren't an addict. I love sex and always have, but can't think of a single time when it has gotten in the way of anything else important in life.

 

Supposedly there are more alcoholics in America than Europe. Maybe Europe has a higher threshold of tolerance before one is recognized as an alcoholic?

 

I think there is a lot to this idea. These things are judged on a sliding scale, and since the U.S. has a long history of love-hate relationship when it comes to sex, whether one is a "sex addict" or not is in the eye of the beholder.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Quote

"I love sex and always have, but can't think of a single time when it has gotten in the way of anything else important in life."

 

On the other hand, I can think of many times when other things have gotten in the way of sex . . .

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

Is it affecting your regular life in a negative way? Are you skipping out on work and family obligations to have group sex? If not, then it's not an addiction.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm pretty sure loving orgasms with new partners is part of being alive and having a functioning endocrine system.

 

It's if you're wrecking the rest of your life that you might have a problem. I'm not sure even serial adulterers quite fit the mold, unless they have a reckless disregard for the risks and consequences. They have a character problem, but not a sex addiction problem.

[Numex 2,416]

I'm not a sex addict, but my wife is. I like it that way.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

I bet that the sex addition anonymous meetings are a fun time!

[couplers 4,645]

If addiction means being unable to give it up, then yes I am. And I don't mean just sex, I mean nonmonogamy and sex with my women. It is my only vice.

[PSULioness 856]

Is enjoyment of sex affecting any other part of your life? I once thought my sex life could be called an addiction. My husband and I have sex almost every day. We enjoy ending our day with love making and many days start the day with sex. I admit being late to work more than once.

We both enjoy visiting friends for swinging and that affects our watching TV or me shopping. I would state that we look for every way to have sex so I don’t need to go shopping.

 

I won’t say I’m really addicted even though since opening my mind to sex with others than my husband, I do enjoy sex with our friend when my husband is out of town and even play with toys when alone (please don’t think less of me for having toys lol)

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

For the record: If the Ms. said she wanted to stop, then we would stop and be done with it. SHE comes first, everything else is just a bonus. That doesn't sound like an addiction to me.

[couplers 4,645]

... My husband and I have sex almost every day. We enjoy ending our day with love making and many days start the day with sex...

Same for me, although in our poly family I have more options. And I need to be with a woman as much as a man.

 

...I won’t say I’m really addicted even though since opening my mind to sex with others than my husband, I do enjoy sex with our friend when my husband is out of town and even play with toys when alone (please don’t think less of me for having toys lol)

From what I can tell we are much the same, but I am about ten years older than you - So all I can say is wait until you're in your 30s woman, it will be an addiction. And don't think less of me, but I have no toys; my fingers are a poor substitute, but they're a substitute.

[couplers 4,645]

For the record: If the Ms. said she wanted to stop, then we would stop and be done with it. SHE comes first, everything else is just a bonus. That doesn't sound like an addiction to me.

For us, if my husband (or anyone in our family) wanted to cut back or even stop having sex altogether that would be OK, but it would also be OK for the rest of us to adjust and continue.

[MrandMrsA 76]

I was listening to Justin Lehmiller or was it Dr. Chris Donaghue yesterday. They said that Sex is not listed as addiction in the DSM.

 

So, by my reasoning, if you can't bill it to insurance - it doesn't exist.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I bet that the sex addition anonymous meetings are a fun time!

They do not serve doughnuts. They roll doughnuts than take flying Fs at them.

[Sophy 569]

We love sex and it plays a HUGE part of our lives, thinking, planning and doing sex takes a big portion of our day, however we do not consider sex-addicts because it has never affected our lives in a negative way, quite contrary the opposite.

[ToeDippers 83]

The only person I am addicted to have sex with is my wife. We did spend time looking for our first. Could be we spent too much time planning at first and have since enjoyed but it has not become an overwhelming part of our life

[Guest]

Much of the discussion above seems to focus on the male. With my first husband, I was always his arm candy. I was suppose to look good but he was the one who got to be flirtatious and outrageous, you know, the life of every party. We weren’t swingers. With this husband, I was allowed to be, almost encourged to be flirtatious or at least friendly, and when we had that first MFM, our first swing experience, I loved it and became a bit addicted to sexual freedom and experience. I did not realize it for several months, but I was the one driving our weekly endeavors to bars and couples clubs in search of sexual opportunity. Eventually it tapered off to something that we do when the opportunit arises rather than being on a hunt every weekend.