Unexpected benefits or detriments from being in the lifestyle?

[Hotwallabies 90]

As I sat at the dinner table last night joking and laughing with my family I realized that my family is probably happier than it has ever been. My kid's are more relaxed with themselves and us. My wife and I are more at peace with who we are, neither of us are having to constantly fight against very natural urges. We're able to be way more honest (read "completely") and accepting of each other. I don't fear my sexuality, my wife's sexuality, or my children's (10 and 13) developing sexuality. Many of these benefits come directly from embracing a more open lifestyle not just sexually, but spiritually, socially, etc.

 

When we started down this path we thought it might help us out sexually but I am very pleased with the unexpected side effects. It made me curious as to what unexpected side effects (either good or bad) that being part of the lifestyle has had in the lives of the rest of you guys/gals? Your topic: Unexpected side effects of being in the lifestyle. Discuss.

[Guest screaminggood]

At doctor's appointments, we don't have the shy, embarrassment that most people have!

[Chicup 41]

Arousal level.

 

After you have made the standard porn look tame, what used to be an instant turn on becomes normal.

 

I could do word problems while a threesome was going on in the same room at this point. The good thing is I'll never had a stiffy at a nude beach, but a little of the excitement is gone. I think that's pretty normal.

[2plus2fun 143]

Before we were married, my wife and I were both involved in the lifestyle... I was a single male that played with couples (I really had no idea what the lifestyle was... I just liked being able to have sex without dealing with relationships because I had gone through a bad divorce). She was married and they had been in the lifestyle for 5 years.

 

When she and I started seeing each other, we decided to leave the lifestyle... and we did for almost 3 years. We ended up getting back involved because (first and foremost) we are really not sexually monogamous people... We feel that sexual attraction and sex in general is natural and that sexual monogamy is not. To us, monogamy is like eating the same food for every meal. Secondly, we had moved here to NC a few months earlier and we didn't know anyone... we were getting bored of our date routine and our sexual relationship had really kind of staled. So we looked on the internet, found SLS and decided to attend some events.

 

To that point, we hadn't played together in the lifestyle as a couple. I had never been in an open relationship because my ex wives (2) wouldn't have it. For the next 5-6 months we had a few soft swap encounters and we really enjoyed that... at that time we also really enjoyed having sex in front of other couples... and that was fun... for awhile.

 

A year ago in December we met a couple that was into full swap and we decided to give a go... admittedly it wasn't really the best experience... it was actually a little weird.... but it had some interesting benefits... my wife and I couldn't keep our hands off of each other for 2 weeks... finally we had to just stop because it was starting to hurt! Chalk that up as a huge benefit... a single experience completely revived our sex life.

 

Since then our relationship has grown incredibly... it's unreal how happy we have been in this last year. I mean everyone has the occasional spat (we are together almost 24/7 because I work at home and she is a housewife)... but other than that... our communication has improved, we never have big arguments, we have an incredible sex life and we have made some great friends... real friends. I look at my life and think... how could it get any better than this? It simply couldn't.

[Hotwallabies 90]

As I sat at the dinner table last night joking and laughing with my family I realized that my family is probably happier than it has ever been. My kid's are more relaxed with themselves and us. My wife and I are more at peace with who we are, neither of us are having to constantly fight against very natural urges. We're able to be way more honest (read "completely") and accepting of each other. I don't fear my sexuality, my wife's sexuality, or my children's (10 and 13) developing sexuality. Many of these benefits come directly from embracing a more open lifestyle not just sexually, but spiritually, socially, etc.

 

When we started down this path we thought it might help us out sexually but I am very pleased with the unexpected side effects. It made me curious as to what unexpected side effects (either good or bad) that being part of the lifestyle has had in the lives of the rest of you guys/gals? Your topic: Unexpected side effects of being in the lifestyle. Discuss.

 

Just wanted to elaborate a little. We used to view sex as bad. So I not only feared the sexual urges of myself and my mate, but I feared that one day my kids would grow up and be sexual. So when I mentioned that I don't fear my two older children's sexuality, I was simply saying that I don't fear them becoming teenagers and eventually becoming sexually active. If our sexuality isn't bad then neither will theirs be (when they choose to start expressing that).

 

When I went back and re-read my post I thought that part of the post was too ambiguous so I wanted to clarify. Thank you and please continue discussing.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

Just wanted to elaborate a little. We used to view sex as bad. So I not only feared the sexual urges of myself and my mate, but I feared that one day my kids would grow up and be sexual. So when I mentioned that I don't fear my two older children's sexuality, I was simply saying that I don't fear them becoming teenagers and eventually becoming sexually active. If our sexuality isn't bad then neither will theirs be (when they choose to start expressing that).

 

Mr NC and I can certainly relate to this part. While we never viewed sex as "bad" - we absolutely feared sexuality. It wasn't something discussed when we were growing up, and we weren't very open about discussing it either.

 

However, today is a different world. Our sons are 17 and 15.

 

Our 17 year old has had a girlfriend since sometime last summer. That's a long time for that age. My husband and I met when I was 16 and he was 18. Now a year ago, we of course were responsible parents and had the "sex talks". But the talks we have now are completely different. Just 2 weeks ago we talked for about 2 hours with him about not only his relationship, sex, STD's, pregnancy, feelings, intimacy, and on and on and on. For me especially, being Mom, I was more at ease than I ever had been. We now embrace sexuality - ours and theirs - and not only are not afraid of it, we welcome the discussions. Maybe he'll have more of an understanding than we did at his age.

 

The 15 year old is heavily involved with church and youth groups at the moment, and lucky for us truly hasn't a lot of interest in sex yet. I do stress YET. That doesn't stop us from having very serious discussions. In his case it's been more about masturbation I think!!

 

So yes, swinging has certainly changed our views, and our ability to discuss sexuality and situations. We are very open, with each other and with the kids. No, they don't know we swing, but there are so many other ways we are more open with them now. I find it funny how they react when they know that we are alone in the house with no kids - instead of the "EWWW" we used to get - it's "so how long should we be gone?" And "We'll make a lot of noise when we get home so you know we're here".

 

We still have an 8 year old daughter, so of course none of this is discussed in front of her yet. But even she can see the differences. Where she used to get right in the middle of James and I when she caught us kissing or hugging. Now it's "You're kissing AGAIN?".

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Arousal level.

 

After you have made the standard porn look tame, what used to be an instant turn on becomes normal.

 

I could do word problems while a threesome was going on in the same room at this point. The good thing is I'll never had a stiffy at a nude beach, but a little of the excitement is gone. I think that's pretty normal.

 

I'll have to ditto that one.

[awesomecplmn 21]

I think a great benefit is the increased sexual arousal and attraction I have with my husband. Like someone else said, having a swinging experience usually has us walking around horny for at least several days after, so we have more sex.

 

Plus, the more sex I have with others, the more I realize what a great lover my husband is. I have become much more appreciative of his mad skillz!

[IvoryTowers 380]

Plus, the more sex I have with others, the more I realize what a great lover my husband is. I have become much more appreciative of his mad skillz!

 

Amen sister! I knew my darling husband was talented, but after 12 years of no comparisons it was easy to take him for granted! Not anymore.

 

Also, not to brag, but I have realized that Mr. Ivory has the most beautiful cock imaginable. Not that other men haven't got nice ones, but Mr. Ivory's is just...well, words fail me. I just want to lavish it with attention now that I'm reminded of how gorgeous it is. And he doesn't seem to mind that.

[babycole 105]

I think a great benefit is the increased sexual arousal and attraction I have with my husband. Like someone else said, having a swinging experience usually has us walking around horny for at least several days after, so we have more sex.

 

Plus, the more sex I have with others, the more I realize what a great lover my husband is. I have become much more appreciative of his mad skillz!

 

 

 

Also, I have to say we just talk about everything more in general. It has helped us work through so many more problems more smoothly...big ones and little ones. It has helped us open up to admitting our desires (sexual and non-sexual) so much more, and without worrying what will be thought of them, because we know that no matter what, we can work through it. So not only has it made our marriage stronger in the bedroom, but all the way around!!!! And for that, I am so grateful!

[awesomecplmn 21]

 

Also, I have to say we just talk about everything more in general. It has helped us work through so many more problems more smoothly...big ones and little ones. It has helped us open up to admitting our desires (sexual and non-sexual) so much more, and without worrying what will be thought of them, because we know that no matter what, we can work through it. So not only has it made our marriage stronger in the bedroom, but all the way around!!!! And for that, I am so grateful!

 

This is also very, very true. While I don't believe swinging is healthy for a marriage in trouble, I do think it can (not always) strengthen an already healthy marriage. It seems like when you're admitting to your sexual desires with your own spouse, it's easier to open up about all feelings.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

Best benefit: All the great people we meet and the friends we make.

 

Detrement: Everything else is boring in comparison. Being in "swinger mode" is a rush, and then having to hang out with family and vanilla folks gets very boring for us.

[Guest screaminggood]

You have a great point. We tend to not go out with our vanilla friends very often because who wants to have a "boring" evening.

[revkarn 15]

I'd like to ask about the heightened arousal threshold. That doesn't sound like good news to me and I'd like to know if anyone has successfully reverted it - for example, by taking 6 months off from sex, porn, masturbation, wife in teasing clothes...anything to do with sex.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

For us there have been a great many benefits, I would say the one I rank highest would be the friends we have made. We also still experience that thrill for a few days after wards, we like not being able to keep our hands off each other.

 

The only bad thing that we have experienced would be, separating the swinger world from the vanilla. It is hard to get back into vanilla mode after a weekend of play. I don't know how many times that I have had to bite my tongue when dealing with a hot customer on Monday morning.

[celtic239 297]

We are in our mid 50's and have to admit that the Lifestyle sort of gave us a "new lease" on life. Many people we know in our age group are constantly complaining about everything associated with "getting old". Since we started exploring and eventually getting into the Lifestyle, we have been doing everything possible to "stay young". We both go to the gym on a regular basis, the wife has taken up yoga, I truly look forward to planning our "secret" vacations. I guess the Lifestyle has given us a new perspective on how to approach and appreciate life.

[Learning 160]

I realize this thread is really old, but I'd like to ask about the heightened arousal threshold. That doesn't sound like good news to me and I'd like to know if anyone has successfully reverted it - for example, by taking 6 months off from sex, porn, masturbation, wife in teasing clothes. . . anything to do with sex.

 

Me! It's called my pregnancy lol. I was on pelvic rest for 3 months and the rest of the months I have essentially been without any drive whatsoever ever and it sucks. I miss it but the drive/motivation/all the other crap/not feeling sexy at all but I'm hoping that it will return. Luckily, Mr. Learning is wonderful and understanding but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Hopefully the hightened arousal will return (at least I'm praying for that)....if not, we're screwed

[willyoats 324]

For my wife, the most significant awakening was that she liked more than one guy at a time pleasuring her. That had never occurred to her before we started swinging. BIG BENEFIT for me because I like multiple partners in the room!!!

 

For me, I think the biggest surprise was that after making love to another woman, I had a greater-than-usual urge to make love to my wife. I never expected that kind of reaction.

 

Even now, as I am about to have a new outside partner, I find myself feeling more love and giving more romantic attention to my wife.

 

(My wife has given up swinging altogether. Menopause killed the urge for more partners, but she does not seem to mind that I still want other women for sex.)

 

Everybody wins.

[willyoats 324]

I want to add to the previous post.

 

After starting in the lifestyle, I notice that I now return a smile from a strange woman in an airport rather than look away, as I used to do. That's good, I think, to lose that kind of shyness.

 

On the other hand, I now seem to view every woman I meet or see as a potential sex partner. I evaluate them in my mind. Some are eliminated in a few seconds, but some linger in my mind for minutes or hours. That's probably not so good.

 

It's harmless in the sense that I don't make any untoward moves or dwell on it to the detriment of developing a normal relationship when appopriate. But, it seems to make the sexuality the first thing I notice, and maybe that's not so healthy. Feminists would be appalled. I apologize.

[exploringRM 305]

I want to add to the previous post.

 

After starting in the lifestyle, I notice that I now return a smile from a strange woman in an airport rather than look away, as I used to do. That's good, I think, to lose that kind of shyness.

 

On the other hand, I now seem to view every woman I meet or see as a potential sex partner. I evaluate them in my mind. Some are eliminated in a few seconds, but some linger in my mind for minutes or hours. That's probably not so good.

 

It's harmless in the sense that I don't make any untoward moves or dwell on it to the detriment of developing a normal relationship when appopriate. But, it seems to make the sexuality the first thing I notice, and maybe that's not so healthy. Feminists would be appalled. I apologize.

 

I sort of came to a simlar realization last friday at a vanilla bar. We met two l/s couples, just to go dancing, and the place was packed with many a hot woman. While it's no issue for my wife I probably, looked a little too long, making eye contact. It was a pretty wild crowd though. I was wondering if the women were thinking: Look at this guy, dancing with his wife and he eyeing me up.

 

But in general I do look at attractive women longer than I used to, and if I get a smile it's a bonus

[TheSwingerSet 205]

In our opinion it's okay to look and smile at beauty in any form. If a good looking woman catches either of our eyes we will most likely point her out to the other. The same goes for women if they want to look at a good looking sexy male more power to them. I know Mrs. Swingerset has done her share of looking at both men and women.

 

And we both love a great sunrise, As long as it's while we are driving home from a great night out with friends.

[TheSwingerSet 205]

We don't really have to many things left on our list, but swinging hasn't lost its attraction for us. We are happy to help other fulfill their dreams, for us that is just as fun as fulfilling our own.

[MN Tom 251]

For us the main benefits have been an increased level of contentment between us.

 

We have shared more things than most couples will ever share, and we are able to share fantasies, desires and thoughts that most wont.

 

We also never expected that we would be more sexually charged for each other after being with other people, but that happens too.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Much of what I read at Swingersboard suggests a mental image of a balance scale with "reasons to swing" piled upon one pan, "reasons to not swing" piled on the other pan. Are there no people who do it simply because it's fun?

[exploringRM 305]

Much of what I read at Swingersboard suggests a mental image of a balance scale with "reasons to swing" piled upon one pan, "reasons to not swing" piled on the other pan. Are there no people who do it simply because it's fun?

 

~Michael

 

It's fun, it's hot, it's enlightening....

[willyoats 324]

Much of what I read at Swingersboard suggests a mental image of a balance scale with "reasons to swing" piled upon one pan, "reasons to not swing" piled on the other pan. Are there no people who do it simply because it's fun?

 

~Michael

 

Interesting thought. We WERE/ARE doing it because it was/is fun. If it weren't, we wouldn't. But, in wondering why it's fun or whether it's worth it, lots of us would do a mental pro and con list. To some, that's over-analyzing; to others it's just what we do naturally, i.e., a kind of risk analysis of a hobby that actually carries REAL risk.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I realize this thread is really old, but I'd like to ask about the heightened arousal threshold. That doesn't sound like good news to me and I'd like to know if anyone has successfully reverted it - for example, by taking 6 months off from sex, porn, masturbation, wife in teasing clothes. . . anything to do with sex.

 

Kinda, but not really. I don't think it's as much about an inability to get aroused as it is that you just aren't "awed" by things anymore. I can't tell you how many times I've seen two guys "watching" their women going at it while having a conversation about something completely irrelevant to swinging. It can be kind of distracting as the female in the midst of enjoyment to hear a conversation comparing camera features (for instance). In a way it's a good thing, the guys no longer have to worry about walking around a nudist retreat or a swinger party with a boner all night due to over-stimulation. On the same count, guys who may have had issues previously due to over-stimulation (too fast) can eventually get over that because they get used to the stimulation.

 

We still enjoy sex with each other and I do, personally, find that after a little time off from everything the more sex I have the more the idea of sex turns me on and that cycle can keep going as long as I want it to /allow it to.

[oc1234 435]

My wife and I have been nudists for 40 years and swinging occasionally since 1986 and I can honestly say that I am turned on as much now as I ever was. And, in addition, I find that I am much more open to flirting than I was years ago.

[Chicup 41]

Much of what I read at Swingersboard suggests a mental image of a balance scale with "reasons to swing" piled upon one pan, "reasons to not swing" piled on the other pan. Are there no people who do it simply because it's fun?

 

I think like anything, we talk more about the bad than the good. If the bad outweighed the good, or was even equal to the good, we wouldn't have done it for so many years.

[Dont.Stop 339]

The biggest unexpected benefit we've found is the friendships we've made. We were at a surprise birthday party for a friend and the room was half vanilla, half lifestyle. With lifestyle folks you always have fun and can talk about anything. And heck, we all know each other! And you ALWAYS have a dance partner.