He is a swinger; this is all new to me

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

Does anyone have any ideas??? (If this information is relevant, we are both in our early 50s.)

I am not answering directly to the original poster's questions but I will, rather, make an observation. I am sensing something in this thread that I have sensed while reading others; "We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves." This lifestyle does not need converts. There are many whom it would harm rather than help.

 

That being said, I will answer dburton's original question, based upon feeling rather than any kind of logic. Your man friend has put you into a very difficult position. I think he is the one who needs to make a decision; not you.

 

~Michael

[dburton 25]

Dear SW_PA_Couple,

 

This lifestyle does not need converts. There are many whom it would harm rather than help.

 

Could you please elaborate on your comments -- specifically, could you please elaborate on the second sentence?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

Could you please elaborate on your comments -- specifically, could you please elaborate on the second sentence?

Understand, first of all, that this "observation" was not meant as an answer to your question or to be directed at you.

 

Yes, getting into the lifestyle can be harmful to some. The primary reason for anybody, male or female, to seek casual sex is to please himself or herself. To get into it to please someone else sets up internal conflict. I'm not a trained psychiatrist so I have no tools for analyzing this. But I have seen examples. The most extreme was a woman who fell into a heap on my living room floor in-tears after her boy-friend and my wife had gone upstairs to the bedroom, "I really want to make him happy but I can't do this." The more mild example is a woman who decided, OK, if that's what he wants, I'll do it. She got into it so enthusiastically that it surprised and upset him a bit. She has told my wife (girl-talk) that she feels her relationship with the man cannot advance unless he lets go of the idea.

 

You're own messages here at this bulletin board suggest to me that you are an adult who is investigating methodically and thoughtfully.

 

~Michael

[iapr 24]

This is still an interesting thread and there are some good thoughts and ideas being shared here.

 

I'll throw in a few more random thoughts.

 

- Here's a simple little formula I've shared before that I think may apply here as well.

 

If a couple is working together for the common benifit of the relationship PLUS each partner has full veto rights and has equal decision making authority = swinging GOOD.

 

If one party is pursuing/manipulating it for his/her own benifit OR there is a disparity in decision making authority = swinging BAD.

 

Wisdom is being able to tell which catagory you fall under.

 

- As a general rule if two fundamentally sane, sober and responsible people are making a rational decision together and each party is respectfull and compassionate of the others person's best interests, and both people go into it with their eyes and their minds open and they aren't afraid to walk away at any point there usually isn't much that truly goes wrong.

[dburton 25]

Dear SW_PA_couple (and everyone else who has posted on this and other forums),

 

Thank you for your clarification. By asking questions and reading postings, I have learned so much not only about the lifestyle, but also about relationships in general. I have learned how important it is to express my wants and desires (which begins with serious self-reflection to know what they are -- a first step that I have not always taken) and to make sure that I understand my partner's. (Had I followed these general principles -- not just in regard to sex -- I would still be happily married today.) I have also learned ways to ensure that I am treating people with respect at all times, including how to say "no" firmly and graciously. (I need to practice that more at work when I'm asked to take on additional assignments. ) Finally, the postings have enforced the importance of self-respect and the ways that I have unwittingly undermined myself in the past. Once again, thank you so much for the invaluable life lessons!!!!!!!!

[dburton 25]

Dear iapr,

 

Thanks for the succinct decision rule! As I have stated many times, I like what I have read about the lifestyle because it focuses on the couple's well being (and nurturing and sharing with your partner) rather than selfish self-satisfaction.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I am hoping that I can "manage" my feeling/ thoughts in a similar way to how I "manage" my stage fright. Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized. .... If you have any ideas of how I can lessen my fears regarding sexual inadequacy besides "feel the fear and do it anyway" I would love to hear them.

 

this is such a perfect analogy to what swinging is like. And just like public speaking there are butterflies every time. As you continue to go to the same club over and over again they get less and less because you are more comfortable there (kind of like giving a speech in front of the same group of people over and over), but there are always going to be some differences that leave you a with some butterflies (perhaps a new face, or a new topic, or you didn't do your research quite as well as you normally do). So, yes, if you can approach it the same way you will do well.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

dburton ~

 

How long have you been dating your boyfriend and how often do you get to see each other?

 

It's been a couple weeks since you started this thread, have you had a chance to meet with him yet and talk about all of this?

 

LM

[Babysteps 63]

Dear Chicup,

 

 

 

Second, a number of people in this forum have told me not to enter the lifestyle for the man I am dating. I totally concur with this advice. If I just did it for him and it ran counter to who I am, then I would lose something far more valuable than a relationship. I would be losing my essence/ soul/ spirit (which would result in my becoming a shell of a person and, in the end, undoubtedly would kill the relationship anyway).

 

Wow! She REALLY knows where it's at!!

[dburton 25]

Dear LikeMinds321 (and all others wanting an update),

 

It's hard to believe that I first posted my question only a few weeks ago. I have come a long way in a short period of time.

 

In terms of your question, we have been dating for 4 months. We see each other once every week or two. Yes, I have talked to him "about all this." (Everyone's advice here was very, very helpful -- as has been the advice I read on other discussion threads). He was amazed at and appreciated how much time and effort I spent learning about the lifestyle.

 

We went to a club on Valentine's Day. I was nervous initially, but everything quickly became okay. He was attentive, and we went at my pace. We didn't meet any other couples with whom we would like to play, but we interacted with others and had a wonderful evening.

 

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

In terms of your question, we have been dating for 4 months. We see each other once every week or two.

 

Yes, I have talked to him "about all this." He was amazed at and appreciated how much time and effort I spent learning about the lifestyle.

 

We went to a club on Valentine's Day. I was nervous initially, but everything quickly became okay. He was attentive, and we went at my pace. We didn't meet any other couples with whom we would like to play, but we interacted with others and had a wonderful evening.

dburton ~

 

It is amazing how much a person can learn in a few weeks of reading the Swingers Board! When my husband and I joined the Board we were on here reading for hours a day and spent hours talking about what we discovered.

 

I'm glad that you found your first club experience a positive one.

 

Was it what you had expected for you and your boyfriend, based on what you have read on the Board thus far?

 

LM

 

P.S. I appreciate that you have been replying to everyone's questions in this thread. Doing so helps make this thread more helpful to those who read it and will learn from it. Thanks!

[ncmd_couple 597]

dburton,

 

I'm glad to hear that you are having a good experience!

 

S

[dburton 25]

Dear LikeMinds321,

 

The people I met were as depicted in this forum. They were friendly and approachable. No one was aggressive or pushy. I expected the action on the on-premises side of the club to be far more wild. There were only several exhibitionists. Most people played in private rooms that had closed translucent curtains -- so even that experience was at my pace.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

It sounds like you went to the right type of club for someone just starting out. Some clubs are a lot more hardcore, focusing on gangbangs, orgies, etc. As long as you are comfortable and go at your own pace you will have a lot of fun exploring this lifestyle. Keep talking to your partner about everything.

 

It's nice that you've come back and kept us posted on your progress.