Being blackballed....

[LFM2 1,482]

I do remember a time when we were at our huge lifestylers party. There were probably about 245 couples and singles there. One couple that we'd played with, (She was horrible to play with) showed up and pretty much stalked the entire place. They scouted out couples they'd played with before to see if they could get any takers for the night. Well, unfortunately, their behaviour and their reputation has spread far and wide to stay away from them.

 

I never thought about it until now, but do any of you guys know swingers that have been "blackballed" or shunned from the rest of the swinging community? They are usually the ones that prey on newbies... like us when we were new.

 

I realize that there are those times where people just talk trash about other couples because they're pissed at them for one reason or another, but this more pertains to those who are truly pariah's in the swinging circuit.

 

Any one want to share their story?

[luvnksstyle 15]

it is with great trepidation , that I entered this thread..... cuz invariably, once you claim someone else is a predator on newbies, it reflects back on me, double ..... but being a single female, there does seem to be a tonload of 'em out there, that just pounce on new meat ...... thank god , I'm now 50 and stubborn and independent, and I believe, word is getting around that I am no pushover....... it takes a lot more than some pretty words and a pretty face to catch my attention. I just hope , "those dirty, horny , old men" think twice before they approach their next target!!

[eatscherry 15]

I think the problem is bigger than that. The whole lifestyle is gone it looks like. Couples have taken over and have gone out of there way to get rid of the single males. Couples are now just being with one couple that they like and say no to everything else. And then the couples do everything to keep the single women to themselves and not let us, the single males, become (and you gotta love this) well , "couples" . All of the parties, get-together's, and all of the dating and meets we did with each other. All of the swinging lifestyle has lost it's way.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Couples are now just being with one couple that they like and say no to everything else

Um, I think that's called a Poly relationship, and those have been around a long time. We know polys that hang out at the club, and it's all good.

 

And then the couples do everything to keep the single women to them self and not let us , the single males become (and you gotta love this) well , "couples" .

So, you're saying the single women don't have free will, a mind of their own, or make their own choices? I really hope this isn't what you're saying.

 

All of the swinging lifestyle has lost it's way .

Maybe. Maybe not. Everything changes with time, both swinging related and real-life related. That's how it is. You think the high school experience is the same now as when you graduated? Like all change, you have the choice to adapt, or fade away.

 

Also, there are several single men on this site that have been very successful swinging as a single males. You've been on this board for 2 years, so I'm sure you're aware of what I'm saying.

 

Now, a graphic to get this back on topic.

 

 

 

I never thought about it until now, but do any of you guys know swingers that have been "blackballed" or shunned from the rest of the swinging community? They are usually the ones that prey on newbies... like us when we were new.

There are some couples that we believe this has happened to. Not because they preyed on newbies, but because of drama issues. Seriously. For most folks around here, drama is to be avoided like the plague. Show some drama, and it's off to Elba with you.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Had a guy that showed up at a couples only party without the other half and claimed she was on her way. Blackballed. She never showed.

 

Another couple showed at a party and someone recognized him as having a "certain" type of criminal conviction. He was asked and said yes and was asked never to return.

[lustylearning 705]

Hmmm... I've not seen intentional sabotage, but I have seen far-reaching negative consequences from less than bright acts - the couple that gets kicked out of a club, for instance, because the guy is too "rough," or the couple that shows prejudice or stereotyping in comments... Eventually, there is a group reaction of sorts. People tend to avoid drama and negative feelings. It can be a normal and healthy reaction.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

We've never seen a lifestyle couple get blackballed, but that might have to do with the size of the market we live in. There are a number of social circles within the entire swinging community in Denver, so even if there is a falling out with one group, there is always another group to go to.

[realcplub2 513]

First things first.. Regardless of WHERE you are, lets face it for the most part the lifestyle community is a relatively SMALL part of the larger community on a whole.. so its fairly easy for people sometimes unfairly, be given a reputatution ..

 

It happens EVERYWHERE.. How you deal with it, when its you HEARING it.. is up to you, are you the type to give everyone a fair chance?

 

Or, if its something started ABOUT you.. How would you deal with it? Personally, its happend once or twice to us, over the years.. by a few who we liked as friends, but, they did nothing for us.. we just didnt click.. and we ended up with a false rep of all talk, but no go..

 

We, as we would with any other falsehood, Knowing the truth, ignored it, and when questioned on it explained the situation, and more over, had plenty of friends we had shared fun times with that corrected the wrong info..

 

Not everything NEEDS to be a confrontation.. that having been said lets deal with issue #2 in this thread

 

I think the problem is bigger then that . The whole lifestyle is gone it looks like . Couples have taken over and have gonne out of there way to get rid of the single males . Couples are now just being with one couple that they like and say no to everything else . And then the couples do everything to keep the single women to them self and not let us , the single males become (and you gotta love this) well , "couples" . All of the parties , get-to-gether's , and all of the dating and meets we did with each other . All of the swinging lifestyle has lost it's way .

 

Ok.. Quoted this person for some basic reasons..

 

The first, its an excellent example of what the lifestyle is from the POV, of a single male who hangs around for a breif time

 

Second, the premise that is put forth here, suggests that, Couples, go out of thier way to get single guys kicked out of the lifestyle..

 

Allow me to point out that the standard attitude of most couples when it comes to swinging is basically this..

 

Single guys bring nothing to the BBQ but an appetite..

Single Females are more than welcome to bring thier appetites.. So long as they dont mind being the main course too

 

Lets face a fact, sure single women and single guys WITHIN the lifestyle hook up, and hell may even find thier soul mates.. Blaming couples for not being able to find that "love connection" isnt exactly right is it?

 

Welcome to the show... Its not perfect, but its the BEST one in town

[MrkLin 393]

We've seen a few couples shunned for various reasons. One couple in particular stands out: they were the type who needed a lot of 'liquid courage' to 'get in the swinging mood.' Well, having a half drunk couple bumping into tables and falling all over the other guests at a club or party gets pretty tedious pretty quickly, and they eventually discovered that they were getting invited to fewer and fewer parties, meeting fewer and fewer people, and finally having fewer and fewer friends. They dropped out of the lifestyle a couple of years ago and haven't been seen at a club or party since. (I know they still live in the area, because I see him around town on occasion, and he tells me that she's doing fine. He says they dropped out of the lifestyle because, 'they got tired of all of the fakes out there.')

 

Undeserved reputations and just general gossip happens all the time, in every walk of life - the swing lifestyle is no different. We have found, however, that it's more a matter of a couple (or a single's) behavior that determines how said couple (or single) is treated within the community - whether that treatment be good or bad.

[LFM2 1,482]

I learned in grade school to not go along with what someone says about someone else. It's my impression of that person is what matters, not what someone else says about them. I hope we learned that somewhere in our lives. We're all adults and we know that people talk. Piss someone off and they will try to make your life hell by spreading rumors. Hopefully, we've learned that's how some people are and to ignore them.

 

We hadn't heard anything disparaging about this other couple, but learned for ourselves what they were like. We were VERY new to the swinging world. They actually broke our swinging cherry. They were mods in our local swinging forum and were blackballed because they didn't want swingles (males or females) as a part of the forum group. Their thought process told them that single males were out for sex only and that single females were out to seduce our men. WTF? They were soon asked to leave the group as mods and as a couple.

 

Their behavior soon became so bizarre that they would often stalk couples at get-togethers. If there were two entrances to a room, one would guard one door and the other would guard the other door. They were scoping for new, unaware couples who were didn't know who they were. It reminds me of spiders in a web -- just waiting for an unsuspecting couple to walk into their web. They are rather scary. They won't take no for an answer and they're just freaking creepy now!!

 

We've kinda blocked these people only because of our own personal experience with them. We don't talk about them with others. Let others make up their own minds about these people. (which is how we like to learn about others we play with.)

[LFM2 1,482]

We've never seen a lifestyle couple get blackballed, but that might have to do with the size of the market we live in. There are a number of social circles within the entire swinging community in Denver, so even if there is a falling out with one group, there is always another group to go to.

 

You would think that soon enough, they would wear out their welcome with each group until there are no more groups to join. I wonder what happens then? They move to a new location or travel to a new group? I'm just thinking out loud.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Had a guy that showed up at a couples only party without the other half and claimed she was on her way. Blackballed. She never showed.

You should also post this one over in the other thread about top ten things not to do if you are a swinger.

 

Anyway, this has happened not once, but twice at house parties we have hosted. In the most egregious case, the guy acted like a mad dog in a meat house. He did occasionally open his flip-top cell phone and say, with a worried look on his face, "I hope she's OK". Learned two days later that his woman friend was sick in-beds with the flu and that he knew it.

 

Blackballed! 86ed! Banned!

[Chicup 41]

eatscherry said:

I think the problem is bigger than that. The whole lifestyle is gone it looks like. Couples have taken over and have gone out of there way to get rid of the single males. Couples are now just being with one couple that they like and say no to everything else. And then the couples do everything to keep the single women to themselves and not let us, the single males, become (and you gotta love this) well , "couples" . All of the parties, get-together's, and all of the dating and meets we did with each other. All of the swinging lifestyle has lost it's way.

 

I think you are confusing dating with swinging.

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

You would think that soon enough, they would wear out their welcome with each group until there are no more groups to join. I wonder what happens then? They move to a new location or travel to a new group? I'm just thinking out loud.

Given their inability to make friends within the lifestyle, it's likely that they would get frustrated and quit swinging altogether before they even got to that point.

[LOL_OMG 130]

Just like in the Vanilla world, there are quite a few people in the lifestyle that like to gossip and come down on people that are not into the same things that they are. We expierenced this one time at our first mng at a place not to be named. As a couple walked into the bar about 3 other couples started laughing and saying things about them. As we found out later the main problem was that this particular couple had different political views than most of the group. That was a few years ago and we still are in touch with the "talked about couple", in fact we consider them very good friends. I guess my point is, as someone mentioned in a previous post, take things said about others with a grain of salt and make your own judgements.

 

Mr. Lol

[TheMiddleDoor 68]

As a club owner, we've banned people all the time...Usually it's just bad behavior. The big one seems to be private room doors...Once closed..They stay closed, and opening them for whatever reason just isn't acceptable.

We've banned a couple because the male half decided to use some acrobatics to put his dick into a woman face....That had already told him "No".

We've had people show up dirty. Like "We had to change an engine in the car after it fell in the swamp on the way here" dirty. After several offers to use the shower and change, and their repeated insistence that they didn't need to, we escorted them out.

We've had people that show up very sedate, almost bored, and after a half-hour bathroom break they come out hyper and almost uncontrollable. I'm not sure what they were on, but whatever it was, it wasn't a good idea.

We've been badmouthed for banning people. I've been personally banned from certain parties because "You banned my buddy, who is harmless and only looking for a good time"

As far as political views I have seen people banned from other parties because they didn't agree with the party hosts, or didn't want to give money to a certain candidate or political view in addition to their usual donation. I've asked people to tone down political discussions at parties, when people have told me they are uncomfortable..And I suppose if the one on the soap-box didn't tone it down, we probably would have asked them to leave too. But we haven't got to that yet.

[eatscherry 15]

First, I did and maybe do now swing, and it wasn't just about the sex but the parties and peoples you were around and did stuff with other singles and "guy's" too. And don't get me wrong, a lie is lie. But if he shows up later one day with his girl you shouldn't treat him the same crappy way you treat the rest of the single guy's. And swingers back in the good old days would get people that are better suited to be with each other together and wouldn't just kick'em out. Some women and men like a tanning to the backside and it's fun to watch sometimes. I say get the singles together to make more swinging couples. I'd hate to think that some girl and guy that click can't be together and cum all over each other because some guy didn't like some guy looking at her, and gets him blackballed. And because couples don't want people having sex with their partner or the single women they have sex with, he gets nailed, an not in the good way. I have friends that don't get along with each other, but I keep them all as friends and just don't try to mix them. Us swingers should start doing the same thing ...... "AGAIN"! And unless your gonna take in other swingers and lifestyles don't call it swinging, and just have a wife swap club and be honest about it, and don't hide behind blackballing everybody to make it seem ok to be couples only.

[PB&J 1,086]

huh?

[fun4Ds 1,098]

eatscherry said:

First, I did and maybe do now swing, and it wasn't just about the sex but the parties and peoples you were around and did stuff with other singles and "guy's" too. And don't get me wrong, a lie is lie. But if he shows up later one day with his girl you shouldn't treat him the same crappy way you treat the rest of the single guy's. And swingers back in the good old days would get people that are better suited to be with each other together and wouldn't just kick'em out. Some women and men like a tanning to the backside and it's fun to watch sometimes. I say get the singles together to make more swinging couples. I'd hate to think that some girl and guy that click can't be together and cum all over each other because some guy didn't like some guy looking at her, and gets him blackballed. And because couples don't want people having sex with their partner or the single women they have sex with, he gets nailed, an not in the good way. I have friends that don't get along with each other, but I keep them all as friends and just don't try to mix them. Us swingers should start doing the same thing ...... "AGAIN"! And unless your gonna take in other swingers and lifestyles don't call it swinging, and just have a wife swap club and be honest about it, and don't hide behind blackballing everybody to make it seem ok to be couples only.

 

Ok, I see your point. But it sounds like you have felt snubbed off....

 

My question is. Have you actually been blackballed, asked to never return by a group or to a club?

 

What did they say?

 

How did it all go down?

[MrkLin 393]

huh?

 

 

I'll see your huh? and raise you a WTF?

[interested-05 135]

Most people who have been blackballed, know why they have been or choose to blame someone else for what happened.

 

Now it appears that he is asking the couples to not simply make room for him, but to organize a get together for the single swingers. WTF, get your single friends together and organize it yourself. your starting to sound like the government should force couples to let you join in, whether they are interested or not. Maybe this attitude is the kind of drama he which is preventing him from joining in.

 

Accept life as it is, don't force everyone else to join you, if they aren't interested.

[TheMiddleDoor 68]

I say get the singles together to make more swinging couples .

 

and this is our responsibility...how?

 

if you have been paying attention, there is a overwhelming amount of single males, and very few single females. (they call them unicorns for a reason)

 

so, according to you, the rest of us should arrange meetings between the single guys, and the single girls....and since there will always be more guys than girls, what do we do with the "leftover" guys? or what if the girls just aren't interested? is it still our fault that all these single guys don't get dates?

 

I'm sorry, but stop whining about being a victim. the rest of us are not responsible for getting the single people a date. and if couples are "protective" of single women there is a good reason. an overwhelming number (not all, of course, but most of them) of single males look at swinging as one thing..an easy way to get laid. and that's all they are in it for. reason enough to protect them.

 

and as far as couples that want no single guys at any party, at any time..well, they can have that party if they want. just like you can run your "just singles" party if you want. put up your own money and run a party the way you like. capitalism. you'll either do well, or fail, depending on what people in your area want.

[WesternSwing 504]

I guess my point is, as someone mentioned in a previous post, take things said about others with a grain of salt and make your own judgements.

Exactly. We believe that just because we don't mesh with someone doesn't mean someone else won't. And if they do, we'll look like the assholes for opening our mouth and speaking negative of them.

 

Mr. WS

[eatscherry 15]

TheMiddleDoor said:

and this is our responsibility...how?

 

if you have been paying attention, there is a overwhelming amount of single males, and very few single females. (they call them unicorns for a reason)

 

so, according to you, the rest of us should arrange meetings between the single guys, and the single girls....and since there will always be more guys than girls, what do we do with the "leftover" guys? or what if the girls just aren't interested? is it still our fault that all these single guys don't get dates?

 

I'm sorry, but stop whining about being a victim. the rest of us are not responsible for getting the single people a date. and if couples are "protective" of single women there is a good reason. an overwhelming number (not all, of course, but most of them) of single males look at swinging as one thing..an easy way to get laid. and that's all they are in it for. reason enough to protect them.

 

Oh Great, thanks for that messed up warning. And no,You don't have to set me up. Just stop all of your "cock-blocking" and hiding behind the "... and the single guy's are just here for sex" load of crap that I hear. And you aren't gonna whin like a victim if your going out of your way to be "protective", matter of fact..... You aren't being honest, just say that's what you do. I've been with clubs that had parties and sometimes no sex, just getting together. Call it the good old day's if you will. I got into swinging because you and everybody involved with you were honest. I do not see that in you and a lot of other people anymore. " LET ME HAVE A UNICORN "!!!

[eatscherry 15]

fun4Ds said:

Ok, I see your point. But it sounds like you have felt snubbed off....

 

My question is. Have you actually been blackballed, asked to never return by a group or to a club ?

 

What did they say ?

 

How did it all go down ?

 

I'm sorry that it sounded like I've been kicked out of any thing, I haven't. But, I have been with women who liked me but there better half didn't. And there isn't that warm feeling any more when you go to them. I lost my main girl in a car wreck, I'm ready to begin again. I just don't want to start getting my women into something that doesn't feel right to me anymore. A lot of my girlfriends have girlfriends and husbands, so I do see the cock-blocking.

[rpu3 630]

Quote

" LET ME HAVE A UNICORN "!!!

 

Here's the deal, yet again: the Unicorn isn't something we couples have to give away to single guys. She's her own person - she's not yours to "have", any more than she's ours to have. If she wanted to get together with you at a club, she would. We aren't stopping her. We aren't cock-blocking you. And your whiny, entitled attitude isn't helping your cause, or the single-male reputation, out at all; it's pretty clear to me from your posts why you are being cock-blocked by couples and unicorns alike.

 

Quote

I just don't want to start getting my women into something that doesn't feel right to me anymore.

 

You know, I always find it insulting when a single guy bitches about the club scene and how he can't get with couples or unicorns for whatever reason, but then pops his mouth off about he, a single guy, not wanting his SO, girlfriend or wife to get into this? It's okay for you to fuck those of us who are already there, but you wouldn't bring your own wife or girlfriend? Falls a bit too close to insulting hypocrisy for my tastes.

 

I think if you are truly looking for success as a single male on your local scene, you need an attitude and expectation adjustment. Your posts, taken as a collective, just remind me that a good and respectful single male in the lifestyle should be called a unicorn, too, because they seem to be just as hard to find among the chaff of the single men who seriously need a clue-by-four in their expectations and swing-world view.

[LFM2 1,482]

I got into swinging because you and everybody involved with you were honest . I do not see that in you and alot of other people anymore . " LET ME HAVE A UNICORN "!!!

 

Oh we're honest. Most of us on this board are, anyway. Since I'm being honest, I'd like to tell you that it's not up to us to make you happy. You don't have the right to happiness. You have the right to pursue happiness. So, get your butt out there and make your own dates with those girls and have fun. We have no control over the single girls. They are their own person with their own lives. They control themselves.

 

I started this thread out because I wanted to see who else had been shunned because of their reputation or personal experiences. If you think couples have taken over for the single men, (which I don't see as there are plenty of single men in our area who are successful because of their attitudes) prove us wrong.

 

If you're not part of the solution (whining and griping is not a solution), you're part of the problem. You're problem is you're barking up the wrong tree. Your attitude would make me run as far and as fast as I could to get away from you.

[eatscherry 15]

Once again, you're not honest. You let her know in a backhanded way that you would "prefer " she be with you and your wife and with "caution" say all the reasons (on the slide ) she shouldn't be going out with other bad single people bla bla bla blaa blaa......... Look , I don't think your wrong in the way you think , I just don't think that there is swingers any more just a lot of couples that are selfish. I just wish it were more about the lifestyle then it is now . You see a lot more blackballing now than in the past for some reason. Like I said before, I'm getting girls. I am not whining, Ok, griping yes. I just don't like seeing something changed and people sidestepping the issue just because they can dismiss the problem with dishonesty and selfishness over some one else. Swinging should have love and friendship, I just don't hear it here or a lot of other places.

[lustylearning 705]

eatscherry said:

Swinging should have love and friendship, I just don't hear it here or a lot of other places.

 

Actually, eatscherry, that may be your opinion, but it is not universally accepted or sought. For many of us, swinging is purely about the pleasure of sex, and we have no problems being selfish about it.

[LFM2 1,482]

eatscherry said:

Once again , your not honest . You let her know in a backhanded way that you would "prefer " she be with you and your wife and with "caution" say all the reasons (on the slide ) she shouldn't be going out with other bad single people bla bla bla blaa blaa.........

Ummmmm... I'm not even sure who or what you're talking about here. I don't know who "her" is or what preference you think we have. I think you might be getting two different posts mixed up here.

 

 

eatscherry said:

Look , I don't think your wrong in the way you think , I just don't think that there is swingers any more just alot of couples that are selfesh .

Could you explain how we aren't swingers? Can you also explain how a lot of couples are selfish? Because we hoard the single females for ourselves? Because you can't seem to find one? I really need examples to try to wrap my head around what you're trying to say.

 

eatscherry said:

I just wish it were more about the lifestyle then it is now . You see a lot more blackballing now then in the past for some reason. Like I said before, I'm getting girls. I am not whining , Ok, griping yes. I just don't like seeing something changed and people sidestepping the issue just because they can dismiss the the problem with dishonesty and selfishness over someone else.

 

Again, you've left me totally confused with

Quote

people sidestepping issues because they can dismiss the problem with dishonesty and selfishness over someone else.

Do you have another example of this?

 

eatscherry said:

Swinging should have love and friendship , I just don't hear it here or a lot of other places.

Swinging is not about love except with our spouses. It's pure sexual enjoyment with others. We are friends with those we swing with. Are you looking for something more than what other swingers are comfortable with?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

I've been trying to follow this recent posting and best it is

 

If I understand what is being said by eatscherry, here is my reply:

 

1. Your attitude portrayed here will get you quickly ignored by us in a real world situation. We don't have the time or the patience for it. And by the way, alot of what you typed here is really, really confusing and spaced out.

 

2. My wife and I are two halves that make a whole. If you want my whole, you are going to have come thru me first before you get to the whole. Whether you like it or not, that's the way it is for us.

 

3. We don't owe you anything.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

eatscherry said:

Swinging should have love and friendship.

 

The only thing swinging should have is mutual respect for others, and the courtesy that each person's or couple's interest in swinging is different.

 

Some want friendship first, and don't play on first dates. Some want no part of friendship, and have no qualms about playing on first dates.

 

Some want to play with a "regular" set of singles or couples. Some want to play once and move on.

 

Some will wait a year to find someone they're willing to swing with, some will find it in their first meeting.

 

Some play every week, some play once a year.

 

Bottom line - we are all individuals with individual minds, wants, and desires. No one can say what swinging should or should not include, because isn't it the uniqueness of all of us that makes it the most fun? Sure, it takes time to wade through interested parties and find what you are looking for, and anyone will go through periods where they find no one, and then other periods where they find quite a few in a short period of time.

 

But whether you are single or 1/2 of a couple, there's no race to jump into bed with the next person that comes along! Not if it's really about swinging. You know what you want or are looking for, and you wait until you find it. Then jump in and enjoy!

 

But when you're going through a "lull", don't blame others for lack of success. After all, how do you define successful swinging? I think we would all have our own definitions.

 

Mrs. NC