Jealousy, Your first time...

[Va_Newbies 15]

For all of you experience swingers out there, I was wondering if you had any twinges of jealousy your first time out? If so, how did you handle it?

 

As I mentioned before, dh and I are discussing having a fmf and our conversations and my thoughts about it get me very much hot and bothered. However, my only concern is that it may be different in the flesh, so to speak. I really don't think it will be a huge problem, but just in case I do get a little something nagging at me, I would appreciate any suggestions on how to handle this. We've already discussed our code word if things get to be too much, but other than that, I really don't know. It's not like we want to get in the middle of something, one of us get uncomfortable and leave our playmate hanging, ya know? I've never really had a problem with jealousy or anything like that, but I've also never seen my husband having sex with another woman. But, again, the thought of watching him doing to her what he does to me and knowing how it's making her feel absolutely gets me going. We pretty much figure that any feelings that occur the first time will be less and less as we do it...that is, if we both enjoy it the first go 'round!

 

As always, any help and suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

[Chicup 41]

Memories....light the corners of our mind.....I hate Barbra Streisand.

 

Anyways, where was I....

 

Oh yea first time wanna bees.

 

You know we started this going in with the idea of an FMF too. Oh we were so cute and naive. Oddly, despite being a mid 20 something good looking couple (if I do say so myself) it didn't work out so well finding our unicorn in the mist.

 

Now we were not expert hunters, so perhaps if we were to try again we would have better luck, but my advice to you is if you want to do this and don't already have the lucky female in mind, you may need to get into his comfort zone and start talking about couples instead.

 

Then you can talk about secret double handshakes and what not

[Cpl2share 147]

Caution is the watch word. I (Mr Cpl) was always the jelous one. Took many years to get past that. Mrs. Cpl on the other hand was never jelous. We had soft played with other couples many times and it always got hotter and hotter. Talking, playing and then going our seperate ways to have the most mind blowing sex we could remember. The first time that we had a full swap everything changed. I was okay with/turned on by seeing another man pleasuring her. She had trouble handling seeing me pleasure another woman. No drama, and she did not say anything until later, but it made it very difficult for her to enjoy herself while I was even within earshot. Since then we have gone back to soft for now. She still would like to explore F/F play and even have a FFM, but does not yet feel comfortable seeing me with another woman. So we just enjoy life and wait.

[N8ture Girl 318]

The jealousy bug might bite you, it might not, if it does just talk about it and dont ignore it. Talk about it to see what exactly it was that bothered you. And work it out from there.

I was very surprised our first time, while I didnt think I would have a jealousy issue I wasnt sure if that would change when the time came for our first pay date. However, I felt no pangs of jealousy and still have not to this day. I know our relationship is solid and he will always come home with me

[2plus2fun 143]

We didn't have any issues with our first experience... or the next 10 experiences... however, in the last couple of months there have been 2 instances where I did get angry. The first was an instance where one of our rules was broken by my wife and another fellow... and that pissed me off. I am over it now... but I was pissed off nonetheless.

 

The next was just a couple of weeks ago when we were at the club and there was a single guy there that had gotten a single girl to bring him with her... so he was at the club on a night that single guys aren't allowed without special permission and he wasn't with the girl that brought him. Anyway, he kept following Sharon around like a puppy dog and that was kind of bugging me a little... since we were there with another couple. What really sent me over the top is when she turned away from him to speak with someone and he reached down and picked up the back of her skirt (a very short miniskirt)... stuck his tongue out like a dog panting and played like he was grabbing her ass... she didn't notice that he did that but I immediately felt my head explode... I walked over and told him to leave her be... he got mouthy about it and I actually yelled at him... "Get to stepping motherfucker, don't make me tell you again...". Then a couple of other dudes who know me stepped in and escorted him off... I am glad because I really didn't want to be banned from the club for fighting.

 

I think any husband who isn't in a strictly open marriage will feel some jealousy or anger at some point. I don't know if it's the whole territory thing... or just a protective thing... but I hope that I don't experience that again...

[Slitelyused 15]

Well first of all,,,when he is with you,,,he kisses you,,maybe even a little tongue,,he holds you ever so tightly, tells you he loves you,,talks how his world centers around you,,,how lost he would be with out you,,,He does not do that with her,,with her it is strictly recreational sex,,she isnt getting the deep feelings he has for you. That alone should be just compensation. If you keep that thought,,"well I know he doesnt love her like he does me",,that will help with the jealous feelings,,then kick back and enjoy the ride. You're only going down this path one time,,,enjoy !!

[twoforone100 45]

Well the first time we played it was with a couple and to be honest it was a blur... We get focused on what is happening to us and what we are doing. Now in a fmf you might have more time to think. Of course as pointed out if you don't have a female in mind you might have plenty of time to think about having it. YMMV

[iapr 24]

Keep this in mind, swinging is not cheating. It is not infidelity and it is not taking away any love, affection or attention away from your relationship with your partner.

 

If you came home unexpectadly and found your spouse in the arms of lover in the context of an affair you would be devastated, hurt, pissed off and jealous. So would all swingers because that is cheating and it is innately hurtfull and distructive.

 

When you have a swinging encounter as consenting couple, that is another facet of your maritial sexlife and it something that a couple does together for the benifit of their sexlife and relationship together. Yes there are other people involved and sometimes it can even involve intercourse with someone other than your partner while your partner does the same but it is only with the full consent and approval of everyone involved.

 

Noone wants to see their partner having an affair, but when it is a mutual endeavor and people are working together and it is for the right reasons, the other people are not interlopers or adulterors but rather collaborators that are adding additional excitement and stimulation into your lovemaking while you are doing the same for them.

 

Before we had our first experiences we were afraid of the same things as you but when it actually happened we were amazed at how natural it all was. And not only did we not feel jealousy when we saw each other with other people but it was actually a major turn on. The key is that it is something you are doing together as part of your lovemaking as a couple as opposed to just "having sex with other people."

[Tia Vampire 167]

I was so jealous the first time that I could not give my partner the attention that he deserved. So we decided to do seperate rooms. It was so much better for me anyway, but then my SO became jealous and concerned about my safey. We are back to same room play and the occational seperate room play, but it took about 6 months for me to get over the jealousy. We don't do any immediate repeats anymore or go off with a playmate without the other knowing. We talk alot about our feeling and I do most of the reading here to get me through some of my feelings. Good luck and stay drama free

[MrkLin 393]

I just spent the better part of a half hour trying to remember our first time. It's all a blur to me. I was so keyed up on adrenaline that it's all just an amorphous heap of body parts - lol.

 

I do remember trying to detach myself from the situation - I wasn't watching another man have sex with my wife, but rather just two people having sex. I figured in that way, I'd avoid jealousy. That didn't work for me (I didn't get jealous to begin with,) and I really didn't like thinking that way. To be honest, I was right there in the middle of it, so I didn't have a lot of time to sit back and watch them. She was the center of attention, and us men made sure she was taken care of in every way possible. There wasn't time to get jealous - I was just too busy.

 

Now I revel in the fact that another man is pleasuring my wife. I get my excitement from her excitement, if that makes any sense. So, her pleasure gets me more excited, and so it goes.

 

Jealousy does happen, but more important is how it manifests itself. If one of you is violent, manipulative, or the kind who would use this kind of thing to get your way on something else down the road, then I would suggest you don't even take a step in this direction. Leave it a fantasy.

 

Still, none of us knows what exactly will happen until it happens - Cpl2share, being a case in point. She was never jealous until the deed was done, while he admits that he was always more the jealous type. Neither of them expected things to play out the way they did.

 

Just remember that this is recreational sex - meaning sex without love. This other woman is taking nothing away from you. You are sharing him with her in only a physical way - nothing more.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Jealousy was one of the things we worried about before our first time. I really wasn't sure about how I'd feel about seeing Mr. Fuse with another woman. After all, I had always equated sexual infidelity with betrayal and problems in a relationship. It's hard to go from thinking that way, into the mindset of swinging where it's about sharing sexual variety with your partner, and everyone being happy about it.

 

We had a full swap and never felt a tinge of jealousy. Like an earlier post said, it is just recreational sex and doesn't mean anything as long as you are certain of your SO's love for you. A romp with someone else, even a really fun one, does not compare to what you have at home. It doesn't mean your emotions will go off in another direction. You might be fond of your playmate, but you won't be bonded with him or her.

 

However, if only a woman had been there, I'm sure my feelings would have been different. I bet I would have felt like Mr. Fuse was getting to experience this amazing thing and I was not. I probably would have just been jealous of him getting to fuck someone else, not of him being with the other woman, if that makes any sense. Are you considering an FMF because it's what you really want? If so, great. If you're going that direction because you think it's less threatening for your husband, then I suggest you explore those feelings and make sure you're not sacrificing something you want or shortchanging yourself. And like others will point out, unless you already have someone on the hook for an FMF, it can be very difficult to make that happen compared to a swap or MFM.

 

The key is that in order not to feel jealous, you have to know that your SO's playmate is in no way a threat to the way your SO feels about you, or to your marriage and relationship. Neither of us had even a shadow of a doubt. Looking back on it, I believe that is why we didn't feel a shred of jealousy. It was one of the biggest surprises for us out of the whole experience. I thought there'd be some mixed feelings.

 

Another thing people who have been there will tell you is that until you get to the situation, you really don't know how you'll react. It might help to visualize things beforehand to try to gauge how you think you'll react, but again, only the real thing will tell for sure. In our case, we got a happy surprise. I hope you do too.

[Va_Newbies 15]

First of all, thank you everyone for your responses. Sorry that I haven't replied to everyone sooner, but it's been a bit busy around here. I have some news to share...WE DID IT! We had our fmf and it was an unbelievable and awesome experience. It happened a lot quicker than what we ever thought it would...we figured we'd be months waiting for the right girl to come along. I had no jealousy, doubts or anything of the sort. We both very much enjoyed ourselves.

 

Mrs. Fuse, no, it's not like that at all. I'm the one who isn't interested in a mfm, but he told me if I ever changed my mind, he'd be equal opportunity. I wanted to experience being with a woman and wanted him to share that with me. It's unbelievable how good I feel about the whole thing because even when she showed up, I was still thinking, "What if..." but when things started happening, I was so turned on and still have not even a hint of regret.

 

Thank you again, everybody...this board has been helpful in so many ways and we enjoy reading the posts regarding everything. I guess you guys could teach us the secret handshake now, huh?

[The Fuse 1,012]

Congratulations!! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. So great to hear.

 

{grin} We hope to hear more from you as time goes on. Sounds like you two are really communicating and also being considerate towards each other and your playmate. A lot to feel good about, even without the sex {big grin}.

[Two4funinpa 75]

What is really funny is that little twinge of jealousy usually pops up when you least expect it. Most people fear it will be on that first encounter sometimes it is sometimes it is not. It can happen to any person at any time. Even after many years of successful swinging sometimes something little and petty can just trigger it. All you can do is talk about it openly and work past it. Don't want to make a seen in front of others. Talk about it calmly when it is just the two of you. It will pass and you work through it. That is the bond that you share and grow together with.

[LFM2 1,482]

I really wasn't sure how I'd feel that first time I would ever seen Dave with another woman. I remember the twinges of jealousy when I'd even think about it before we'd even met that first couple.

 

I do remember during our first swap that I looked over and Dave was with his partner, and there wasn't any jealousy at all. I even remember thinking that. "Wow, this is so cool and I'm not jealous" type of thought. I haven't had any twinges since then, either. I'm not sure about Dave, and he hasn't brought up the jealousy issue if he has had problems.

[willyoats 324]

I suppose, in the beginning, I thought I should be at least a little jealous that someone else was screwing my wife. But, I never was!

 

Surely that was partly because I knew she had had an affair a long time before. And when she finally told me about it, I was really turned on. That reaction was unexpected, but according to a psychiatrist I know, it is neither all that uncommon nor a sign that I don't really love my wife.

 

Anyway, jealousy was never an issue. The only problem I had that was a little like jealousy was my discomfort sometimes when she was with another guy and I was not invited to join them. That was simply because I always wanted to watch her have fun. If I was occupied at the same time, I never gave it another thought.

[almostnewbies 18]

What is really funny is that little twinge of jealousy usually pops up when you least expect it. Most people fear it will be on that first encounter sometimes it is sometimes it is not. It can happen to any person at any time. Even after many years of successful swinging sometimes something little and petty can just trigger it. All you can do is talk about it openly and work past it. Don't want to make a seen in front of others. Talk about it calmly when it is just the two of you. It will pass and you work through it. That is the bond that you share and grow together with.

 

This was our experience. I felt jealous on the third full swap we had completed, not the first as I thought would be the case. I didn't say anything during the evening because I didn't want to make a scene. It all boiled down to a misunderstanding. Well, after we left we talked it out and he assured me that what I was imagining wasn't the case and explained what had actually happened. All's well now and the reassurances have helped us move past this momentary jealousy issue, thank goodness!

 

I have found that keeping involved in the events transpiring leads to a more enjoyable time. Sitting back and watching is ok if you're used to it and can keep your mind from letting those jealous thoughts in. I for one have not gotten to the point where I think I can just watch my SO with another woman. Of course, I haven't actually sat back to see if I am at that point yet either. I think I much prefer the 4 person dogpile.

 

T

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My first time through swinging I never had a single twinge of jealousy. The funny thing was that despite that starting over with Pet I was really worried I would be jealous watching him with others (different relationships, different scenarios, different outcomes). As it turned out I had nothing to worry about. I do feel different seeing him with someone than I did with my ex, there are different emotions there but I can't say that any of them are jealousy.