Is she bi or bi curious?

[NednWendy 15]

One last profile question and then I'll stop I promise. We are trying to decide how to list my wife's sexual orientation. Our only options are straight, bisexual and bi-curious. We have had a couple experiences and without any coaxing from the guys she touched, made out and gave and received oral sex to orgasm with a couple different women. She enjoyed it and was attracted to the women and did not have any problems with it the next day.

 

I consider that bisexual since she was attracted to them, did everything spontaneously without prompting, enjoyed the encounters and didn't have any regrets afterwards. I think we should check her as bisexual on our profile.

 

She doesn't think she should be bisexual since she is not out looking for women all the time and is afraid if she is listed as bisexual that women will expect her to have sex with them and she is only interested in being with women that she is attracted to and is comfortable being physical with. She is afraid people will think she is being deceptive in being listed as bi if she won't have sex with them.

 

I say it's no different than being listed as straight and turning down men that she is not attracted to. After all if you aren't attracted to someone of the opposite sex it doesn't mean you aren't heterosexual right? My thoughts are if you have done it, enjoyed it and don't have any regrets over it, it ain't curious any more. Which way should we go?

[N8ture Girl 318]

We have had a couple experiences and without any coaxing from the guys she touched, made out and gave and received oral sex to orgasm with a couple different women. She enjoyed it and was attracted to the women and did not have any problems with it the next day.

 

I consider that bisexual since she was attracted to them, did everything spontaneously without prompting, enjoyed the encounters and didn't have any regrets afterwards. I think we should check her as bisexual on our profile.

 

She doesn't think she should be bisexual since she is not out looking for women all the time and is afraid if she is listed as bisexual that women will expect her to have sex with them and she is only interested in being with women that she is attracted to and is comfortable being physical with. She is afraid people will think she is being deceptive in being listed as bi if she won't have sex with them.

 

If it were me, I would list her as bisexual, and clearly state it in your profile that she will play with the right female. Or something to that effect. She isn't considered curious anymore.

 

I am listed as bi-curious and I talk about that in further detail in our profile as far as what I am looking for. While I prefer men, I will/would play with the right female.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Tell Wendy to look at the options and make her choice according to how she really feels.

 

Then accept and support her decision.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

One last profile question and then I'll stop I promise.

You should ask all of the questions you feel like asking.

Which way should we go?

Wendy will know. Anyway, it's changable. Some day the curiosity might be satisfied. Then she can declare with complete confidence.

[twoforone100 45]

We have found most chose bicurious for this... but it is up to you and to her...and you can always explain it in your profile... But even if she lists as straight it does not mean she will sleep with every guy does it? Just like bisexual does not mean she would sleep with every woman

[The Fuse 1,012]

twoforone100 has said it very well here, especially the part about how you can explain in your profile.

 

The label "bicurious" kind of sucks. But if she doesn't consider herself bisexual, she won't be comfortable with the label. I don't sleep with every man, nor with every woman. But I sleep with way fewer women than men, am less attracted to them in general, and consider it the exception rather than the rule. So I use "bicurious", and explain it in our profile.

[2inSanDiego4u 181]

I've seen some profiles list "bi-curious" or "bisexual" then state in the profile that she is "bi-situational, meaning depending on the chemistry with the other female". This is something you might want to consider.

[realcplub2 513]

Why worry about the "labels"?

 

Let's face it, what real difference does it make? By choosing the label route, you unfortunately have people that yes, look specifically at "what" you are rather than WHO you are.

 

There are plenty of people that in the profile list themselves as str8, and when the clothes come off, find that they are much more bi comfortable.

 

Her explanation is completely normal, plenty of people are mentally aware of the "labels" that one statement can hang around their necks.

 

So, when filling out profiles, be much more concerned with providing the clear info about who you are and what you want rather than WHAT you may be. We have heard from a number of people that when we write a profile, reading is a requirement.

[MrkLin 393]

As Lin and I are both straight, I can only comment on this thread from the angle of someone reading your profile. That being said, we find it a bit curious ourselves that some women seem to be 'bi-curious' for several years. As someone else eluded to on this thread, hasn't their curiosity been satisfied yet?

 

We have several friends who list themselves as bi-curious because they don't want to give the impression that they just out looking for women. One couple lists her as bi, then explains in the profile that she's "bi-situational," as has been mentioned before. While her primary focus in the lifestyle is looking for men, she'd gladly welcome a play session with a lady she's attracted to and 'clicks' with.

 

Having said all of that, however, I agree totally with fun4Ds - let Wendy decide how she wants to be listed, then back her 100%. If she feels the need to explain, let her do so in the body of the profile.

[CXXC 435]

Our take on the Bi, Bi-curious and Straight question is this:

 

If you are straight, play only with the opposite sex and have no interest in the same sex, You are STRAIGHT!

 

If you are Bi-curious, play with the same sex 2-3 times, decide it is not for you, you are Straight. However, if you play with the same sex 2-3 times, enjoy it for your own personal reasons and not just to please others, you are no longer curious. The curious portion of the label should be removed.

HOWEVER!!!

 

If you are into the opposite sex more and only enjoy the same sex as an appetizer (so to speak) then you are Bi-comfy or Bi-tolerant.

 

If you are equally attracted to both sexes, you are simply Bi. The best way to find out if you are truly Bi would be to have an experience with the same sex and no interaction with the opposite sex in that event. If you walk away feeling satisfied...Well, you are most assuredly Bi.

 

Perhaps the owners of the swingers sites could add the options for Bi-comfy or Bi-situational and even Bi-tolerant. A few other options could not hurt. It would also save on the profile size. HA HA HA! Like our profile is short! HA HA HA!

 

Again, this is just our .02

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I definitely don't think the site owners should add more options, but I do think CXXC is onto something with their definitions.

 

In an ideal swinging world, it would be understood that just because a woman is listed as bisexual does not mean she wants to have sex with every female out there, any more than she wants to have sex with every male out there.

 

Unfortunately, there are many bi-furious women out there who seem to believe that "I'm bi" means "I will do you".

 

I don't think that we (as women) should have to justify ourselves by going into detail in our profile that we are bi but picky... we should all be picky! (Can you tell this is a bit of a pet peeve of mine?).

 

It seems like it has become a trend for bi women to put bi-curious instead of bi-sexual for this very reason and I don't think they should have to. As a truely bi female I'm not as likely to contact a couple where the female is listed as curious because I don't want to push a female who isn't sure (and too often the ones listed as curious are listed such at their husband's request). On the same token, I don't assume that just because a female is listed as bisexual that there will be f/f play if we all get together.

 

So to answer your question on what she should put. If she is interested in women and comfortable playing with them (when she is interested in them) IMO she should list herself as bi, understanding that just as there will be couples you will turn down because she's not attracted to the guy, there will be situations she will turn down because she doesn't want to play with the female.

[CXXC 435]

Assumptions are a flaw in the Lifestyle. No one in the Lifestyle has a right or reason to expect ANYONE to engage in sexual congress with them. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with expectation.

 

Mrs. CXXC defines herself as slightly Bi-sexual. Her attractions to other women is quite apparent. however, just as she will not have sex with EVERY man she meets, she will be as equally discriminating with women.

 

How many people in the lifestyle truly believe that they are so outstanding that NO ONE would dare turn them down? As beautiful and sexy as I find Mrs. CXXC (I think she is amazing in all categories) I know that there are men and women out there who do not find her appealing. (Silly people)

 

No matter how you list yourself, Bi, Bi-Curious, or Straight, you are the only one who can accept an invitation to play. Sexual preference is not an issue.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

I agree with Julie on this.

 

Here's how I see it:

 

Straight: No interest or curiosity whatsoever in women.

 

Bicurious: Has some fantasies or interest, but not yet sure if that means she'll like it.

 

Bisexual: Sexually attracted to, and wants to play with, women. This does not mean only women.

 

Listing yourself as bi-sexual, and being worried that that's deceptive to other women, is no different than being straight and not being sexually attracted to every man on the planet. It's not even bi-picky. If the attraction it's there, and if it's not, it's not.

 

IMO, if she has enjoyed more than one encounter with another female, both giving and receiving, and has the desire to continue in that activity, she should not be ashamed or concerned whatsoever with listing herself as bisexual.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I respectfully disagree.

 

I am still uncomfortable listing myself as bisexual, even though I have been attracted to and enjoyed sex with some women.

 

Why? Because the intensity and frequency of my attraction for women is minuscule compared to what I feel for men. And even when I enjoy it, it just doesn't rise to the experience of being with a man for me. Not even close, almost without exception.

 

Calling me bisexual would be sort of like buying a lottery ticket and then saying, "I might win money in the lottery or I might not", as if the chances were anywhere near even. While technically true, the chances are so small that to consider it a real possibility is leading myself on. I don't buy the argument that says "if you've ever enjoyed same-sex activity, you are a bisexual". That just seems like reaching to me. Bisexuality is not an "on-off", "you is or you ain't" thing. It is a continuum. That is why Kinsey made his scale.

 

(There is also a huge double standard between women and men. There is a lot of pressure to be bisexual in swinging if you are female, while it is discouraged for men.)

 

Although the label "bi-curious" doesn't fit me either, I just don't feel like I am "bisexual" enough to claim the label. My drive is toward men, with the occasional outlier. Truth be told, it is not how I identify myself, meaning it's not how I feel down deep inside.

 

Plus, let's be honest... if you see a woman listed as bisexual you expect her interest in women to be a non-trivial factor in their swinging. I'd feel like I was lying or just trying to fit in. If you see them listed as "bi-curious", especially after being around for some time, you might reasonably think, "Well she shouldn't be curious anymore". But you might investigate further if you are interested. Our profile explains my orientation. I would rather list myself as bi-curious and explain myself, than list myself as bisexual and then have to explain myself to someone who expects me to like women more than I do.

 

So I stick with "bi-curious", which is a sucky label, and IMO on Swing Lifestyle has come to mean "somewhere between straight and bisexual enough that it's a real factor". I don't like it, because no, I am not curious anymore, but it's the best they've got.

 

Maybe sometime I will change my mind. When I do, I'll change the label.

[CXXC 435]

Ms. Fuse

I have to agree with you in that just because you have been with women, and enjoyed it, does not make you Bi. However, you are again, no longer Bi-curious as you know that you enjoy it. This is the issue with having only two choices in the area.

Also, one other issue that comes up with listing yourself as Bi-curious, the women who are actually Bi will be more inclined to help you "Answer" that "Question" thereby placing you, sometimes, in an uncomfortable position.

[realcplub2 513]

Again, LABELS...

 

How EACH person DEFINES themselves... Let's turn this around, shall we?

 

If instead of Sex, we were discussing if you ate SPINACH, you would have those that do and enjoy it, those that don't and hate it, and those that IF it is prepared a certain way have enjoyed it, and plenty in between.

 

So, whats this got to do with anything? NOTHING. How Wendy decides to proceed is her choice. How she chooses to define herself is HER CHOICE.

 

How about instead of listing as bi or str8, it was simply spelled out that many things MAY be enjoyed if the situation is right, but pressure is never acceptable.

[MrkLin 393]

How about instead of listing as bi or str8, it was simply speeled out that, many things MAY be enjoyed if the situation is right.. but pressure is never acceptable

 

Fine, but you still have to choose Straight, Bi-curious, or Bi to proceed to the next step of filling out the profile. Choosing one of the three then explaining things further in the body of the profile as The Fuse did is a great way to go, but the fact remains that you have to first choose one of the three before you can get to that point. At least that's how it is on Swing Lifestyle.

 

Also we need to keep in mind that when others search for couples, one of the search criteria is the orientation of the man and the woman. Some couples search for straight, bi, or bi-curious exclusively, while others don't care.

 

Still, how you want to categorize yourself is totally up to you. I'm just tossing out a few other thoughts is all...

[CXXC 435]

I guess I am one of those individuals who like to compartmentalize and categorize. Knowing, in advance, the preferences of particular individual is helpful in determining the actions many of pursue.

 

That desire for knowledge does not, in any way, limit the individual’s choices to play or not to play with particular members of the lifestyle. Any woman listed as bi, bi-curious or straight will still have the options of being just that.

 

Like I said, I am all for naming conventions and standardization. I have always felt that such conventions and standards would only help to make the lifestyle a viable social entity among other "Alternative Lifestyle" groups. I look forward to the day when the lifestyle members march upon Washington. Now that would be something!

 

However you want to list yourself is up to you. I encourage each person to look deeply into what they like, don't like and will never do. Base your choices upon that information. It gets a little sticky however, when people do things that they are not listed as. and that leads me to believe a few more descriptors are necessary...

 

By-Comfy, Bi-Tolerant and Bi-situational.

 

Again, just my .02. Have I reached $5.00 yet?

[CXXC 435]

It has occurred to me that my argument is strictly based upon the definition of "Sexual Bi-sexual, Bi-Curious or straight". I never once considered the idea of Emotional Bi-sexuality as being in the discussion.

[femnewb4u2 328]

I have wrestled since the onset of this thread whether to post or not. At this point, I believe anything else I might contribute to this thread has been pretty much covered in the viewpoints presented to date. I do hope the OP has found guidance to the question as put forth. It was and is worthy of the discussion it has elicited in my humble opinion. One many of us may take too lightly when filling out our profiles anywhere. But in the end, I do think it comes down to what others have said.

 

Wendy, it needs to be the choice you are comfortable with posting in the limited selection SLS offers. Expand upon your personal definition or desires within the body of the profile. And remember, for many, sexuality is a growing process. A definition to fit us today may not fit us next year. Desires and awareness may change for many humans over the course of time. Sexuality is a band wave not a box in the realm of human behaviors and interests.

[N8ture Girl 318]

Also, one other issue that comes up with listing yourself as Bi-curious, the women who are actually Bi will be more inclined to help you "Answer" that "Question" thereby placing you, sometimes, in an uncomfortable position.

 

I am not sure I agree with that. Granted, some bi women can be rather pushy, I don't think listing one self as bi-curious is giving an open invitation to other bi women ( fresh meat kind of thing). Maybe I have been lucky, the truly bi women that I have encountered have been just the opposite, never trying anything until asked or waited for me to initiate the first move if I was interested. Most of the time this is discussed prior to playing and they have been very respectful.

I see no difference in the chances of an "uncomfortable position" being listed as straight or bi-curious.

 

I think the listing of bi-curious has a wide definition of sorts, but I think in the end it gives you more control. And one can elaborate further in their profile their true preference within that bi-curious umbrella.

[NotSorry 155]

I also had trouble deciding how to label myself given the options available.

 

I don't feel that either straight or bi are accurate representations. I probably lean more toward straight most of the time but I go through periods where I heavily fantasize about women. I eventually chose bi-curious even though I don't think it is the best fit.

 

Your wife should choose whatever label she feels suits her best and explain further in the profile if she feels like doing so.

[CXXC 435]

Part of the issue with the Bi options available to us is that no one likes labels. But we have to get past that. Yes, we are all individuals and look at things differently. BUT! We are what we are and can, in certain numbers, be categorized as this, that or the other thing. Is it all ways 100% correct? No. Does the label speak of how we attach our emotions to the activities and how we feel when we walk away form the event? NO! BUT!!! What a label enables us to do is unite and find like minds. I simply feel we need more options for this area. Bi- curious has become a catch all for the lot. It is too misleading.

[sweet_tna 680]

I respectfully disagree.

 

I am still uncomfortable listing myself as bisexual, even though I have been attracted to and enjoyed sex with some women.

 

Why? Because the intensity and frequency of my attraction for women is minuscule compared to what I feel for men. And even when I enjoy it, it just doesn't rise to the experience of being with a man for me. Not even close, almost without exception.

 

Calling me bisexual would be sort of like buying a lottery ticket and then saying, "I might win money in the lottery or I might not", as if the chances were anywhere near even. While technically true, the chances are so small that to consider it a real possibility is leading myself on. I don't buy the argument that says "if you've ever enjoyed same-sex activity, you are a bisexual". That just seems like reaching to me. Bisexuality is not an "on-off", "you is or you ain't" thing. It is a continuum. That is why Kinsey made his scale.

 

(There is also a huge double standard between women and men. There is a lot of pressure to be bisexual in swinging if you are female, while it is discouraged for men.)

 

Although the label "bi-curious" doesn't fit me either, I just don't feel like I am "bisexual" enough to claim the label. My drive is toward men, with the occasional outlier. Truth be told, it is not how I identify myself, meaning it's not how I feel down deep inside.

 

Plus, let's be honest... if you see a woman listed as bisexual you expect her interest in women to be a non-trivial factor in their swinging. I'd feel like I was lying or just trying to fit in. If you see them listed as "bi-curious", especially after being around for some time, you might reasonably think, "Well she shouldn't be curious anymore". But you might investigate further if you are interested. Our profile explains my orientation. I would rather list myself as bi-curious and explain myself, than list myself as bisexual and then have to explain myself to someone who expects me to like women more than I do.

 

So I stick with "bi-curious", which is a sucky label, and IMO on Swing Lifestyle has come to mean "somewhere between straight and bisexual enough that it's a real factor". I don't like it, because no, I am not curious anymore, but it's the best they've got.

 

Maybe sometime I will change my mind. When I do, I'll change the label.

 

Hear, hear! This is exactly how I feel about the whole issue.

[CXXC 435]

Perhaps, one day, I will create a rubric with which each and every person can select multiple options and that information will be crunched by the CPU to produce an acceptable category for the individual. I guess I should start working on this soon!

[Speed & Trixie 163]

I do like the suggestion of "flexible heterosexual" as a category....but that may just be me.

[Speed & Trixie 163]

But I'm totally bi

[femnewb4u2 328]

I am listed as bi-sexual. Simply because I am fully bi. I can be attracted to a woman just as intensely as I can a man. I can love a woman just as fully as I can a man. Yet, when it comes to swinging, many are confused that I can be just as happy functioning as fully straight when enjoying playtime with an individual, a couple or a group. I do not need to be with a woman sexually in order to be happy in playtime. Just as I do not need to be with a man to be happy in an episode of playtime. I do not presume in any play situation that the woman would like to play sexually with me, no matter how she is listed, until we have had the conversation or she has led me to understand her desire for same sex play. And even in that, I like conversation since there are so many variations on "playing bi "or "being bi" or "bi-curious" as we have all seen in threads throughout SB.

 

Case on point, I have a female friend who is fully bi. She has been with several woman in play time who say they are bi. Yet, when it comes down to play time, what goes around does not come around. They want to be touched by a woman but have absolutely no desire to give to a woman. This has led to painful and unfulfilling experiences for her. Which is a great point for what Fuse and others have noted regarding expanding upon what bi or female-female play means to the profile writer within their profile.

 

For me, the label I must chose of the 3 offered in Swing Lifestyle, speaks to my sexual orientation. Not how I play.

 

I am not one to enjoy labels. Either put to me, or putting them on others. But I do work to accept there are circumstances in life where without a label a beginning would be difficult. Just as CXXC mentions. The beauty lies in those who chose to discuss after seeing/hearing a label in discovering a person, idea or position.

[CXXC 435]

Femnewb

 

Very well put. Thank you!

 

I am certain people will get tired of my ranting and raving about naming conventions and standardizations or organized systems of identifications within the Lifestyle. I am one of those who really want the Lifestyle to be readily accepted by society. The naming, standardizations and ID's are all a very important part of what make any organizations function as a unified group.

 

Perhaps I dream too much. It is a desire that most of us have. We want to live in the lifestyle and not have to worry about being outed. Imagine being free to have company over for play and not fear reprisal from work, friends or family.

 

I know, we are years, perhaps decades from that. But a dream is a dream and we are not given the ability to dream without the potential to make that dream happen. It may just take time.

 

So, please forgive me for constantly looking for ways to organize things in the lifestyle.

[MrkLin 393]

For me, the label I must chose of the 3 offered in Swing Lifestyle, speaks to my sexual orientation. Not how I play.

 

This is also one of the most profound things I've ever read with regard to swinging and labels. Very well put!