Disabled swingers

[CanadianCouple 18]

Very recently, we met with a couple where the male is confined to a wheelchair. He's capable of sexual intercourse, but is quite severely handicapped. They were willing, and I was as well, but it fell upon my wife to make the decision since she'd be dealing directly with the other male. After considering it a couple of days, she reluctantly declined, saying she wasn't comfortable with the situation. We've kept in contact with them since, including a phone conversation last night. From what was said on their end, it's clear they're still harbouring some hope we'll change our mind. We feel badly about it, since they're very nice people, and personality-wise it was a match. This is something we've never seen addressed before in swinging.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Great topic. You are right this isn't something you see addressed much. Although I can say I've received a few emails from guys who are in similar situations as your friend, whether it be a wheelchair, hearing impairment or otherwise. I think it all comes back around to swinging isn't much different than dating. It takes work and you will come across things you might be willing/able to handle in that relationship, so you have to make the choice of whether or not you are going to.

 

And, I'm sure there are some out there who can handle the added "pressures" of dealing with disabilities in their swinging relationships. It's nothing against you if you can't nor does it say that you are discriminating against them.. it's just an acknowledgement that it's something you aren't ready/able to handle.

 

In the meantime you've made friends and who knows.. maybe they are right.. maybe as you get to know them better as friends you might find that you can handle things you didn't think you could.

[MiCpl 55]

We've been in similiar situations where we've been contacted by a couple where the guy was in a wheelchair.

 

We ended up making the same decision.. it just wasn't something Wife was ready to handle at that point.

 

There are enough factors that go into swinging as it is.. without dealing with other external factors such as a wheelchair or disabilities.

 

Perhaps if we had gotten to know them as friends first rather than it being a lifestyle situation then the opportunity came around.. maybe then it would have been different.

[CanadianCouple 18]

For those interested, an update on the couple with the disabled gent.

 

We've strived to maintain a platonic friendship with these two, but each time we talk, they again raise the issue of us having a foursome. This despite being told politely but firmly 'no thank you' a few months ago.

 

And again this evening, after us phoning them to say a friendly hello, the other guy ended up pressuring Janette once again to reconsider. Sad to say, but we're thinking of severing ties with them completely because of the repeated requests for sex on their part. Janette no longer wants to participate in any phone conversations with them, and I can't blame her.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think at this point it becomes not a "disabled swinger" issue but rather a PUSHY SWINGER issue... one thing has nothing to do with the other.. and you have every reason to base your decision to sever ties with them on that alone.

 

It really doesn't matter what the situation is.. if you've let them know that you are only interested in being friends and they say that's ok yet they continue to push for more (for sex) then they have crossed the line.

[CanadianCouple 18]

Julie,

You hit the nail on the head. This is a nice couple that I would have liked to keep in touch with. But now I am feeling that sex is all they are interested in. I am to the point that I don't even want to speak to them on the phone. I feel constintly pressured and made to feel guilty for saying no because of his situation. Then again maybe they aren't as nice a couple as I thought. I thought that NO meant NO.

 

I don't want this to become an experience that will tarnish how I look or feel about this lifestyle.

 

I guess Dan and I need to have a talk about this. Sorry for ranting, I guess last night bothered me more than I realised then.

 

Janette

[Guest CyberMWCouple]

I totally agree with Julie too!

 

Learning from CanadianCouple's experience here, no matter what the other couple's/single's situation is, NO means NO! The minute any one of you started feeling "guilty" about this or any other relationship, it's "SO long and bye-bye" for them!

 

Dan...Janette should be very proud to have a husband like yourself, and visa-versa of having a great wife! True love does conquer all...

[J 15]

I'm a disabled man who uses a wheelchair to live and my girlfriend and I have discussed trying the lifestyle. We have never had any problems with sex, but obviously being disabled means we have to change our technique somewhat from what most AB (able-bodied) people probably maintain. I'm concerned about a few things I would appreciate some responses to:

 

1) Are the clubs and or meeting places generally wheelchair accessible (what about restrooms?)

 

2) Are there many disabled in the lifestyle? Do others accept physical disabilities or are only AB men and women eligible/welcome?

 

3) What are some thoughts about the disabled joining in?

 

thanks.

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Call the club you plan on attending and ask them if it is accessible.

 

Of course all you can do is try it like everyone else. If you don't go you will never know if you shoud have or not.

 

The handicapped issue will depend on who you meet and your personality types, what you expect etc.

 

No one can tell anyone whether they will have a successful venture into swingland but if you don't go you definetely won't. John.

[CanadianCouple 18]

Quote

I'm a disabled man who uses a wheelchair to live and my girlfriend and I have discussed trying the lifestyle. We have never had any problems with sex, but obviously being disabled means we have to change our technique somewhat from what most AB (able-bodied) people probably maintain. I'm concerned about a few things I would appreciate some responses to:

 

1) Are the clubs and or meeting places generally wheelchair accessible (what about restrooms?)

 

2) Are there many disabled in the lifestyle? Do others accept physical disabilities or are only AB men and women eligible/welcome?

 

3) What are some thoughts about the disabled joining in?

 

thanks.

 

Hello there.

Interesting you bring this up. A little over a year ago we met a couple where the man was confined to a wheelchair. We knew this prior to meeting and my wife and I were both willing to consider swinging with them, which is why we agreed to meet.

 

Upon meeting, we learned he was more disabled than what we were led to believe. He was not only confined to the wheelchair, but disabled to the point of having to be strapped in. In fact, overall physically he had a myriad of problems we hadn't been aware of. Personality-wise, we all seemed to click, and in fact they made it quite aware that the sex was pretty much available on demand, even after the meeting if we so desired.

 

I had no problems with either of them, and left the decision solely up to my wife. After two or three days consideration, she very reluctantly declined, mainly because of the unknown factor involved with her having sex with a man so physically debilitated. It was the most difficult and troubling decision she's had to make in this, the couple were both very nice. In fact, it's still somewhat distressing to us both to have had to say no to these two. We did stay in phone contact with them for a few months afterwards, but the man began to pressure Janette into reconsidering. That ended our contact with them.

[J 15]

Well, my sincerest thanks to the Canadian Couple for the relevant anecdote and the other responses. I'm sorry that someone out there is misrepresenting their disability, but I guess I'm even more disappointed that the disability did indeed become an issue, at least at the beginning. (You're right, Julie, it became a issue of "pushy" after that). People are people regardless of disability and there are a few bad eggs out there in all strata.

 

And while it was my hope that I might receive more responses along the lines of: "disability doesn't matter one iota because we're all so open-minded," I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that it seems it's the same in the lifestyle as in life. ABs (able-bodied) for the most part are afraid of the thought of the disabled as sexual beings. Wish it wasn't that way but it is. I'm guessing as well, that not too many of the lifestyle clubs can even accommodate wheelchairs.

 

So...Thanks again for the recon. I guess we'll just have to take our chances.

[CanadianCouple 18]

Julie and "J" --

 

Julie, yes we'd posted about this last year. It was something that isn't normally spoken of much in the lifestyle, and we had to put it out there to see how others felt on the subject. The only other thing I can remember ever seeing was an ad from a few years ago in a Canadian swingers magazine (print version) where the female of a couple advertising for partners had previously undergone a mastectomy. Yes, I realize it's not a disability, but something physically a bit out of the ordinary when reading swingers ads. They lived much too far from us, but the mastectomy would have no bearing on me whatsover in our assessment of them as potential partners. Personality is paramount in our decisions, but speaking strictly in terms of physical attraction, breasts are very nice, but certainly not my favorite part of the female anatomy. And what is?

 

You're sitting on it.

 

J -- Thank you for the response to our post. Regarding the couple we spoke of, there was somewhat more to the situation than we'd alluded to in here. The man was really in quite rough shape physically, in fact it was difficult to imagine this fellow even capable of intercourse. In addition to that, he informed us he was capable of such only with him on his back, with the woman on top. The problem here is, my wife and I were involved in a serious car crash in 1978, five weeks before our wedding. She suffered a significant knee injury which limits her time she's able to spend riding a man on top, so we had a further complication with these two.

 

I want to reiterate, her decision wasn't made lightly. She really agonized over this for a few days before coming to the decision she did, and was very upset at having to deliver the bad news to the other couple. Truth be told, these two seemed almost desperate to hook up with someone, and had been turned down numerous times. And that's not counting the dozens of contacts they'd made that weren't even responded to. Janette and I both felt terrible at having to add to their list of disappointments. We still do.

 

This occurrence prompted me at the time to pose a hypothetical question to my co-workers. None of them are aware we swing, but I did ask them (all male at the time) if they'd ever have sex with a woman confined to a wheelchair (I had five co-workers at the time) To my surprise they all said no. Would I? If all our other considerations we take into account were positive, the answer is an unequivocal yes.

[J 15]

Dan:

 

It's obvious you and your wife are a cut above most, and I appreciate the additional details. I for one, would not want to misrepresent my abilities as a matter of courtesy. (but then who doesn't want to seem better than they are when it comes to sex?)...

 

I also will say sex for the disabled (in my case, an active athletic paraplegic with full use of upper body and the ability for intercourse) is by definition non-traditional so what might seem inconsquential to me as a disabled lover may be somewhat substantial and foreign to ABs. And while the majority of the time I'm on the bottom, I've also learned over the years that there are so many other ways to perform that I've never thought of being on the bottom as a hinderance. Generally, however, it does take my lovers a few tries before we're totally comfortable with it together. (but then practicing is half the fun, eh?).

 

As I stated earlier, I basically surmised before even posting that the lifestyle might be difficult for anyone who is disabled (not even MENTIONING the accessiblity issues of clubs and whatnot). it's hard enough to find one person comfortable with the disabled as a sexual being much less a room full of people who don't know me from Adam's housecat. I can imagine if we were to become regulars at a club or at events, we would be frustrated by the reaction to my disability but hopeful that after a while (just give us a chance) we would find willing and accommodating partners.

 

I'm just now not sure I'm willing to subject myself or my girlfriend to that misery in order to find the needle in the proverbial haystack.

 

Thanks again.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Originally posted by J:

And while it was my hope that I might receive more responses along the lines of: "disability doesn't matter one iota because we're all so open-minded," I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that it seems it's the same in the lifestyle as in life. ABs (able-bodied) for the most part are afraid of the thought of the disabled as sexual beings. Wish it wasn't that way but it is. I'm guessing as well, that not too many of the lifestyle clubs can even accommodate wheelchairs.

 

Unfortunately, as open-minded as swingers are regarding some things, they are still just regular people. And with regular people comes a lot of prejudices. Just a look at the topic on weight here will tell you that. IF so many people can't get past a person's weight then yes chances are they won't be able to get past a disability either. Although I think the reasoning will be abit different. While with the weight issue it is more of an "attraction" issue. When it comes to disabilities I think it is more of a fear issue. Fear of the unknown. They don't know what to expect from a person in a wheelchair or what they may or may not be able to do and rather than just ask they (in most cases) will probably choose to just steer clear.

 

As for the question on clubs and whether or not they are wheelchair accessible, it probably depends a lot on the club. Like John said, call the club and ask. You will probably have better luck with a social that is held at a hotel or other building (vs. a private party or private club) simply because those buildings (hotels/ VFW halls, etc) are used for other purposes and are more likely to be up to code as far as being handicapped accessible.

 

I think the key for you would be to get out there and show people that you are a great person to be around and know how to have fun without letting your disability be a factor. If it's not a factor to you, it's less likely to be to someone else and they are more likely to see you as a great guy than "that guy in the wheelchair".

 

Good luck with whatever direction you choose to take

[C@YWMI 15]

There are a lot of people that consider themselves disabled and it is not from being a paraplegic, mind set education, weight, sexual endurance, for this lifestyle. But then we get to see people like yourself that don't let their disabilities get in the way of the life pleasures and those people become leaders. And by the sounds of the words you wrote you don't let those hurdles get in the way

[J 15]

my many thanks for the advice and replies, Julie et. al.

 

I'll let you know if we give it a shot.

take care.

[anandjeff2 15]

Hi J

 

I can understand your concerns. My brothers wife is disabled and they had a son and you cannot believe how crual people ar eto her. However to answer your question. If we met a couple and were attracted the disability would not make a difference.However I find that the ability to accept disabilities varies especially depending on how much exposure one has had. Where I went to school all were mainstreamed and we never thought anyhting of it. But moving to another country I found that people here were much less tolerant and educated about disabilites. When my SIL visits we are considered rude because when people stare we stare back..my brother has been known to walk up to people and ask them what theyre staring at..its preety terrible..the cool part is my nephew has been able to drive since he was 3 as his mom uses a scooter now due to arthritis.

 

I hope you at least try , perhaps thru ads you can start making some correspondence

 

An

[JAXGUY 16]

Hello, I'm a disabled person,left foot amputee, which is recent, and also a single guy, and have found that this to be a deadly combination in this lifestyle. Although I've sent several e-mails to the people in my area I have found that many remain yet unread or are read and never replied to. It was and remains my hope to be able to first of all meet a single lady who is interested in the lifestyle and possibly find a soulmate, as well as to possibly meet some couples to have fun with, as well as make some new friends.

 

I've written letters and posted on the Fla/Ga. forums asking couples and singles alike for help in meeting single ladies and/couples in my area, with absolutely no response, the only response I did get ended by my being told that their home wasn't big enough for a wheelchair, funny since I live in a 14 wide mobile that wasn't made for one either, but am doing perfectly well in it. The only other response was from a guy that wanted only m on m, which I'm not looking for.

 

Since I've been involved in the lifestyle for sometime now as a married couple and as a single, I can see both sides of the situation concerning single males, but will never understand the "double standard" when it comes to it is ok for the hubby to have a single lady but not for the wife to have a single guy.

 

It is my greatest hope that there is someone here in the north east Fla./southeast Ga. area who would like to make a new friend and be willing to introduce me to others. I'm not a leper, I'm not contagious. I will be walking again soon on a prosthesis, and hope that I'm not going to be scorned and ignored forever. The only thing missing or wrong with me is my left foot below the knee. Otherwise, I'm as able and capable as any other person out there!

 

PLEASE everyone out there, take a minute to reply to others mail even if just to say your not interested. At LEAST at this site it doesn't cost you a dime!

 

I think this site is great and am hoping to meet and make some new friends in the future! Thanks for the chance to express my "frustrations".

[Alura 2,774]

Hi, Jaxguy!

 

I think your problem, seeking a single woman who is interested in the lifestyle and possible marriage, is not a rare one among single men who want to swing. Unfortunately, single women who are already in the lifestyle probably have so many offers that yours might fall on deaf ears.

 

There are match-making clubs in which folks make video tapes, telling their interests, that are watched by potential partners. Would it be possible to make such a tape and explain in detail why you are interested in marriage with a lady with whom you communicate well enough to be able to swing? You probably wouldn't get many replies but the ones who answer would be good prospects, indeed. Just a random thought...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Quote

Since I've been involved in the lifestyle for sometime now as a married couple and as a single, I can see both sides of the situation concerning single males, but will never understand the "double standard" when it comes to it is ok for the hubby to have a single lady but not for the wife to have a single guy.

It's not really about a double-standard. It's about people's interest. The search for the single female is just as much about providing that female for the woman of the couple (in most cases) so that she can experience a bisexual fantasy (or act on her bisexual urges) as it is for the man.

 

Since bisexuality on the side of the male is fairly rare, having a single male in only allows for action between the female and the male. There are many couples who are looking for this. But, unfortunately, as you well know there are tons of single guys in competition for those couples. That said, those couples pretty well have their pick of whoever they want.

[pleasureseekers 0]

wife and i and a few others formed a secret order called'the pleasure givers" we are sexual caregivers. yes they do exist and you can find them online, try "Touching base" they  use sex workers. we're volunteer. nobody has to live up to our standards we give them what they want and let them set the boundries its fun and sometimes it's funny. most of the time they don't know there disabled-i sense a lack of empathy on this page. i sense kind of a snobby regret. R

[lcmim 1,082]

A half decade ago my answer would have been different. i was one of those who could never quite make eye contact with someone in a wheelchair.

 

Then we met a lady and her husband with whom we had a great rapport. She had MS.

Quite quickly and to my wife's amazement  she and I fell into a relationship that developed into love.

 

My wife and her husband get along well and they encouraged us.

 

For most of her last year the physical part of our relationship was limited to cuddling. She no longer had any use of her legs and her arms were barely up to feeding herself. Despite that this was some of the most rewarding time of my life.

 

I learned things about myself that surprised me. My wife and I proved to ourselves just how much we could share of our love with others without any blowback at all.  If anything my sharing love with my lady strengthened that between my wife and myself.

 

My lady finally died as MS and her meds took too much of a toll. The three of us are supporting each other.

[adamgunn 1,460]

Our very first night at a swing club there was a very hot woman in a wheel chair; we didn't talk to them that night, we sort of found a clique.

 

A few months later I had a fifteen minute discussion with her, she was very interesting. Unfortunately, her husband and my wife weren't into each other, there was probably a twenty year difference between us. 

[twohots4u2 188]

My understanding of the situations comes from two directions:

 

Almost 30 years ago I got into a swinging relationship with a couple where the wife had lost one leg just below the knee.  She wore an artificial leg but took it off most of the time indoors.  We had a fantastic time!  She was unbelievable in bed!  We stopped after several years only because the husband became ill and could not participate.  She did not want to make him feel bad and neither did I.

 

About 10 years ago I became handicapped and use an electric handicapped scooter.  I had no problems at two of the swing clubs I had been to before I became handicapped, or swinging with couples at the clubs or in hotel rooms.  There was one swing club that that I had not been to and one night a gal I was dating suggested we try it.  I should have suspected something when I took my electric handicapped scooter out of the back of my minivan.  The parking lot was gravel, very difficult for people in wheelchairs, with crutches or canes, or handicapped scooters.  With difficulty we got to the front door, opened it and drove in.  There was an eight-inch step down into the reception area.  I did not realize it and drove forward, crashing down as the front wheels went into the step down and the bottom of the scooter hit the edge.  A guy ran up and said, "You cannot come in here!"  I asked, "Why?"  He answered, "We do not allow people to come into the club like that!"  I asked (a little perturbed), "Why not?"  He replied, as he tried to push my scooter backwards, "We just don't!"  I told him to get his hands off my scooter and asked him if he was aware of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)?  He replied, "We are a private club.  It does not apply to us."  We left, with my gal helping me pick up the scooter from the step and move it backwards.  I reported the club to the county building permits office, but they said that private clubs were treated the same as private residences with regard too the ADA, and that it does not apply.  Anyway, about two months later the club closed, went out of business, so I did not follow up on it.

 

Good luck.  just keep bring honest about your disability in your ads and correspondence.  It may take a while but you will find someone or couples who will fit.