I feel like I'm failing her...how do I solve this issue?!?!

[PlayinParker 15]

Hello there, I have some curiosities here and need some advice on how to handle some scenarios by those that have more experience...

 

Our story: we are a happily married couple of more than 15 years.

 

About a month ago, we were talking with friends (Mike & Mel, for reference) and hanging out, the topic turned sexual and before we knew it, we realized that we were all having the same feelings.

 

Now, wife and I have spoken about possibilities of swinging for a long time, and while she has never been opposed to it, there was never really an opportunity to try. She has an aversion to strangers, and felt we needed to be with someone that she was very comfortable with. In the past, furthest encounters we had ever been involved in was a group co-ed naked hot-tubbing session with a little hand job/play. Fast forward to the current situation.

 

After realizing that all were into it, we discussed boundaries and what we liked, etc. Also we decided that we would take it slow, and only go as far as the least comfortable person. It was a very sexually charged environment and before I knew it, wife was on Mikes lap, as he was fingering her and feeling up her chest. Mel also was touching him and wife, so I joined in feeling her up. That was about as far as it went and wife was very hot with me when she got home.

 

We went to a club a few nights later and ended up back here and wife and Mike wound up fucking (many different positions and continued for a while). It was very hot and we ended up in a oral train. I do enjoy watching them, it has always been open swap and together.

 

After they left, wife thought I was upset, but I explained that it was because I needed release. Mel was having her monthly and couldn't fully participate.

 

We would meet up every 2-4 days for "dessert" and playtime. This happened for a couple weeks off and on. Basically, wife is being pleasured by Mike, which is satisfying to watch. He goes for so long, and she just continues so very strongly. Which is new, I haven't known her to react that way ever. Now, I am not jealous of that at all, more amazed and wanting to know how I can learn those techniques and please her for that duration.

 

Now, it took until the last time, about a month from the first, for me to actually penetrate Mel. Before that I had pleased her orally, and after a few times, I felt a little left out, so I talked with her and found out that she really liked watching and was kinda shy/apprehensive, and was why she hadn't touched or given me attention. So the time after was talked it was better.

 

The interesting thing is the the previous 5-6 times, wife was always able to come home and please me, even after multiple orgasms, and a long duration of sessions (60-120 min or so).

 

Now, to zoom in on the past week or so... Last Friday we had a session, and that was the catalyst to begin the conversation with Mel. I was feeling as though there was not an attraction, and I was more or less a fourth wheel. Wife and Mike seem to just go at it for hours. We came home and she was exhausted and couldn't provide a release for me. That caused her to feel really bad and a lot of talking occurred over the weekend. She thought i felt of her as a fuck machine and would just be there to satisfy my needs. That's not the case, and I realized that I needed to talk with Mel and find out what was up. We talked a lot that weekend and get through those feelings.

 

We had a nice session Monday and that was the first time that I had penetration with Mel. While it wasn't long, it was still nice. There was a lot of group play and scenarios that occurred. That was very nice to have multiple positions and touching in many different ways.

 

Here is where the problem comes. I have had an issue since last Friday getting erect and maintaining my erection. I think it is because I am over thinking. Wife thinks its her and something to do with the situation. That is not true. I have SO much desire for her, but somewhere a disconnect is there to not allow the small head to follow what the big head wants. We haven't previously had this issue before, (once or twice, but fleeting) and it has just been over the past few days.

 

It had been in the first couple weeks so much more intense feeling when we had sex. Because I hadn't really been active in the game, or our sessions, I had focused more on pleasing Mel, watching and pleasing wife. As such, I really wasn't sitting there erect. I think that also has to do with my self-conscious thoughts of premature ejaculation and "johnny-cum-quickly" problem.

 

I have always cum quickly, but then get it back after a short time, and can go longer. typically 4-6 times in a long session.

 

Then the other night, wife tied me up and blindfolded me, which was hot, really liked that. She also tried to apply a cock ring, first time and it was weird, but not bad. Lost the erection during that time, but quickly got it back. She feels that she doesn't excite me enough and causing me issues of not getting erect.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me and feel like I am failing her. How do I solve this issue?!?!

 

Please help, I appreciate your efforts.

[sexylady1970 69]

We have had similar bouts with this in the past as well. Part of the excitement of swinging is seeing how others are able to do things that either you cannot or were not aware of. Think of it as "on the job training". If you liken it to your work life it makes perfect sense. Whatever your chosen occupation is, you certaintly weren't perfect the first few weeks, months, or even years that you began it were you? It took time, experience and practice. Same thing holds true with swinging.

 

We have a steady male playmate who can do things to the mrs. that I never knew were possible even after nearly 15 years together. On one occasion our playtime (for a while at least) was focused on some instruction for me.

 

I think it would have been really funny if I took out a pad of paper and a pen, but perhaps that would have been a real mood kill!

[PlayinParker 15]

So, in other words...

 

Relax, chill out and enjoy! Right?

 

The worst part I am feeling is that she feels that she cant get me erect, its definitely not the case. It is NOT her. It is me, and my issue.

 

She is thinking that perhaps the lifestyle is a mistake if this is the effect it has on me. I dont really think it is a mistake, just like you say, an uncertain time and finding my way through it. It is all very exciting, and overwhelming all at once.

Thanks and keep em comin!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Just wanting to make sure I followed correctly...

 

You've been playing with this couple for a month or so and until about a week ago you never got to really fully participate.

 

About a week or so ago you finally got to have intercourse with the other woman and since then you've been having issues keeping it up at home?

 

Are/were you having issues keeping it up with the other woman as well? Or just at home? it is every time since you've had sex with the other woman?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

About a month ago, we were talking with friends (Mike & Mel, for reference) and hanging out, the topic turned sexual and before we knew it, we realized that we were all having the same feelings...

 

Fast forward to the current situation.

After realizing that all were into it, we discussed boundaries and what we liked, etc...before I knew it, wife was on Mikes lap, as he was fingering her and feeling up her chest.

 

We went to a club a few nights later and ended up back here and wife and Mike wound up fucking (many different positions and continued for a while)...

 

We would meet up every 2-4 days for "dessert" and playtime. This happened for a couple weeks off and on.

 

Now, it took until the last time, about a month from the first, for me to actually penetrate Mel.

 

Now, to zoom in on the past week or so... Last Friday we had a session, and that was the catalyst to begin the conversation with Mel. I was feeling as though there was not an attraction, and I was more or less a fourth wheel. Wife and Mike seem to just go at it for hours. We came home and she was exhausted and couldnt provide a release for me. That caused her to feel really bad and a lot of talking occurred over the weekend. She thought i felt of her as a fuck machine and would just be there to satisfy my needs.

You've been playing with this couple every 2-4 days in the past month. I may be off here but that sounds like a whole lotta playing going on. More than most swingers do with one couple in a month. And this is new territory with this couple and you guys which adds more chance of surprises since you aren't experienced with each other.

 

I think the activity level and the newness is the problem. You're going too fast and haven't given yourself time to think between play to analyze what you've been taking in. Now it's all caught up with you.

 

You weren't involved as actively in the group play from the get-go. No wonder you're feeling out of sync.

 

Do I understand you correctly; your wife thinks you feel she is a fuck machine to satisfy your needs? I'm confused by that. She should want to satisfy your needs as she always has. If you return home after swinging and aren't meshing as usual sexually then you do need to look at how swinging this much - this fast with this couple has played a role. Having sex with your spouse isn't required after returning home from swinging, but many couples feel like doing so, just as you do. And if you feel you need a release of sexual energy I can understand why you'd want to have sex with your wife since you don't seem to be getting the same release your wife has during swinging.

 

Take a break from this couple and recoup. Continue to talk with your wife.

 

I can understand why you're having trouble with erections at home, considering the pace of your swinging and the development of it. Your erection issue has only been for a brief while - the past week or so - and I think time off from swinging with this couple and discussions between you and your wife will take care of the problem.

 

LM

[PlayinParker 15]

Just wanting to make sure I followed correctly...

 

You've been playing with this couple for a month or so and until about a week ago you never got to really fully participate.

 

About a week or so ago you finally got to have intercourse with the other woman and since then you've been having issues keeping it up at home?

 

Are/were you having issues keeping it up with the other woman as well? Or just at home? it is every time since you've had sex with the other woman?

 

Yes Julie, that's right. Although the entire time we have played, I have been fairly flaccid. Was more into watching and pleasuring her orally. I figured my time would come, and my wife, her husband were putting on such a show, it was very hot. Never seen my wife so insatiable before and that is amazing.

 

These friends have been good, close friends for many years. We made it clear that regardless of what happens, the friendship is by far paramount.

 

So to answer the second half, I have gotten erect, but not rock hard like usual. enough so that my wife thinks that she no longer turns me on and not enough. She is also thinking that if I dont have porn on in the background, I wont be able to perform. These are simply not true, but in a rough patch right now, I dont know how to progress.

 

Yes, I went limp with the other woman, was struggling that night to stay erect, was the first time we had traded off on my wife too. We traded her 4-5 times. I was erect to about 85-90%, just not completely.

It hasnt been every time since then, only once or twice. The other 2-3 times I have been fine.

 

Could it be that we have gone from 1-2 times a month, to every other, or sometimes every day with sexual activity? I mean everything is better, more intense, closer, just great, with the caveat this small issue.

 

Especially since this is something that I wanted for a long time, and through lots of conversations, something she agreed to as well. She asks me if it truly is what I want. I believe it is since neither of has has a lot of experience. She was only my fourth partner, and I was her first voluntary.

 

Thanks for the assist!

[PlayinParker 15]

LM, thank you.

 

I tend to be in agreement with your logic here. Yes, I think that the main feeling is that she had always come home and satisfied my needs. Last week, was an especially draining session for her, and while we did have intercourse right before we returned home, I felt unfulfilled. So thinking that it would be like normal, thought we would play once we got home. When that didnt happen, I was fine with it. The main thing that I was frustrated with was lack of attention from the other woman. My wife took it as though I was upset with her. Total misunderstanding. I spent most of the weekend talking with both of them rehashing and clarifying everything so we are all good.

 

The other couple are our really good friends of many years. We see them twice a week or more. It seems that since we decided to play, we just gravitate towards it. Taking a break is a great idea, and perhaps we should look into it. They are going away next weekend for five days, so that will help.

 

My wife is so satisfying and my buddy apparently thinks so too. They can go for over an hour uninterrupted. His wife also remarked that he is not typically that long lasting so she finds it very hot.

I would love to learn how he does it. It is amazing to watch.

 

So yeah, the feeling out of sync makes total sense, but how do I get re-synced?

What techniques are out there (or products) to stimulate and maintain, along with prolong?

 

Some of it is that I think that by compartmentalizing, I havent been able to separate those thoughts and thinking of how to prolong myself when those occasions do arise to end them sooo quickly by cumming fast, it gets in the way of enjoyinbg the feeling and whatever it is, just is.

 

So the whole thought os swinging was to obtain more knowledge and learn different techniques to enhance our sexlife. That is what we want to get out of it.

 

Again, thanks for the insight, it is helping to better understand what is happening to me.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

So yeah, the feeling out of sync makes total sense, but how do I get re-synced?

What techniques are out there (or products) to stimulate and maintain, along with prolong?

 

So the whole thought os swinging was to obtain more knowledge and learn different techniques to enhance our sexlife. That is what we want to get out of it.

 

Again, thanks for the insight, it is helping to better understand what is happening to me.

You're welcome.

 

Thank you for the additional information.

 

I think you're comparing yourself to the other guy and feeling inadequate. Please don't do this to yourself.

 

I even think the other woman is comparing herself to your wife and feeling inadequate. Thus, the two of you aren't doing well together as play partners. Your wife and the other guy are in sync; you and the other woman may never get there. As much as you both like each other as friends, you may find the sexual connection isn't as strong as you'd hoped for. You may have to decide that the foursome isn't going to work out. Be open to this possibility; if you continue to play when you don't feel you're clicking, the erection issues will probably continue to be a problem.

 

Learning techniques through swinging to enhance your and your wife's sex life should be thought of as a bonus when swinging, not as the major goal. The reason I feel this way is because if you go into swinging because you want to make sex (or you) better, you are in a sense saying there is something that isn't good enough - or needs fixed - about you. I can see this happening with you already...you're trying to size up to this guy's perfomance ability.

 

I think you've got to get past this thought process. You'll need to accept yourself as you are before you'll get comfortable with swinging.

 

Hopefully, some men will post with their perspective, but from a woman's point of view I can tell you that I knew when I began swinging that I'd have to accept myself before I would be a happy swinger.

 

It is very difficult for me to orgasm from intercourse, but I've seen my husband with women who do so easily. It is difficult for me to orgasm from oral, unless the man has just the perfect tongue and technique for me, but I've seen other women get off from oral at the slightest stimulation from any man/woman they are with. Never have I felt I was less sexy or capable as a swinger because of our differences. If I had, the nights would have been tense, troubling, and I'd have walked away unfulfilled.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself, your wife, and your play partners is believe in yourself, don't compare yourself to others, give of yourself what you have to offer and enjoy! Your confidence in yourself will be your most valuable asset.

 

LM

[slevin 1,374]

How has your wife been acting during the play sessions? Does she hook up with Mike and focus on giving him pleasure; oral sex, fucking etc. and exclusively focus on him? Does she also focus on you? Are the girls having fun with both of you, or is Mike more the focus (from both girls)?

 

How is the other girl acting towards you? Has she given you focus at all? You've been giving her oral, but has she just received that oral sex and enjoyed watching Mike and your wife? Has she also joined your wife in pleasuring Mike?

 

Have you talked with your wife about pulling back from the playtime with your friends and focusing on the two of you exclusively? If you have, how did she respond (be exact)?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I have to wonder if some of the cause of your ED with your wife since the swap isn't perhaps some nagging guilt in the back of your head for doing it (guilt that you really shouldn't even have). I say this because until you attempted the actual swap with this other woman you were doing fine at home with your wife.

 

Perhaps it's a combination of that and maybe not feeling quite up to snuff for her since she's been rebuffing you to an extent lately (after playing with this other couple).

 

I would, at the very least, suggest that you back off on playing with this couple so often. As LM said, that is rather frequent even for more experienced couples and both of you (couples) jumped into this pretty fast from no experience to 600 mph in a flash. It's hard enough to swing with friends, even harder when you are both newbies. There has to be tons and tons of communication all the way around and it sounds like a lot of the communication that needed to be there hasn't been there (at least up until very recently). You really might want to consider backing off completely and refocusing on your primary relationship.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

She feels that she doesnt excite me enough and causing me issues of not getting erect.

 

I dont know what is wrong with me and feel like I am failing her. How do I solve this issue?!?!

 

Please help, I appreciate your efforts.

 

*screech* slam on the brakes here a moment....

 

Despite the ease with which most men get and maintain erections, it's an absolute fallacy to think it's a simple thing, easy to do, no problems ever to worry about.

 

Look, reality: There's countless reasons why a man can have temporary erectile problems. I went through a bought ~6 months ago following my wife grabbing me VERY hard (at my encouragement...it didn't hurt). She apparently damaged something, though I never felt any pain from it. It took a few weeks for things to fully return to normal.

 

Diet. Stress. Sleep. Illness (detected or no). Injury (even possibly unknown). All these things can have an effect.

 

For your wife to immediately conclude that there's something wrong in that you no longer find her attractive is MASSIVELY jumping to conclusions. Same applies to you.

[safireblues 106]

I think the other guy is making you insecure, straight up. To see a guy that fucks like a pornstar and to see your wife loving it, it's going to knock you for a loop.

 

I saw it happen to my husband, we were playing with a guy and his dick was so much bigger. It was naturally intimidating. He is above average so never had this issue, but I think its totally natural to feel like you can't "compete."

 

Just remember, we all bring a unique sexual footprint to the table. While he may be able to pound away, that does get boring after a while...there may be things you are much better at, oral, kissing, touch, lots of stuff. Sure, you can pick up a thing or 2 from him, but I am sure he can from you. If you cum a bunch of times, good, you said you can keep going.

 

Your mind is getting in your way. Slow down, don't play with this couple for a bit, reassess where you're headed. If there's things about how this man "pleases" your wife vs. you expecting to be pleased by her, then maybe that's something you should work on...

[slevin 1,374]

For your wife to immediately conclude that there's something wrong in that you no longer find her attractive is MASSIVELY jumping to conclusions. Same applies to you.

 

One other thing that has me wondering is the large change in frequency; you were having sex with your wife once or twice a month prior to this introduction to swinging. Then when you started swinging with this couple you were meeting them 2-4 times a week to swing, over the course of a month.

 

What was going on that caused you to only have sex once or twice a month? Did you try to do anything to change that? Did one, or both, of you lose interest in sex?

 

I will also echo the sentiments of the other posters here; very many women assume that men will just get a hardon at the sheer mention of sex. It's not true and it can impact both people happiness (the woman doesn't feel attractive and the man feels emasculated). We met a couple who has been swinging for almost 10 years; they had a lot of experience and knew a lot of people in the swinging community here. While having some drinks with them and talking the woman mentioned (while telling a story) that she won't let a flaccid penis anywhere near her. She expected the men to be hard and it was their problem to deal with it if they weren't. Her exact quote was, I believe: "A man should get hard just at the sight of my naked body". Our drinks with them didn't last much longer than that, my mind was made up as soon as that came out of her mouth. No way in hell I want to be having sex with someone with that kind of attitude. It didn't help the situation much that a few weeks prior to that we had been playing with a couple and I had a bit of trouble staying hard when we tried to do a full swap. In hindsight it was inevitable: I wasn't overly attracted to her, she wasn't fully comfortable with full swap (despite claiming that she was) and if we had paid closer attention we probably never would have even played with them at all.

[PlayinParker 15]

LM,

Great info, thank you. I do believe I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself, even though I never wanted to. It is not a competition, but more of an experience. There are multiple ways to give/receive pleasure from a partner, in the same token, each experience/partner will be different.

I believe I mis-spoke when I indicated that the main reason was to enhance our sexlife. I see that as an opportunity to learn and improve what we already had. I didnt think it was ever bad. We experienced pleasure and mutual satisfaction together, always have. I would just like to take the techniques, positions, and other pleasurable actions and integrate them to make a good thing better. Make sense?

 

I understand what you are saying, I cant "fix" me, I just need to understand, accept, and use what tools I have to be a part of the group and contribute to the best of my abilities.

Additionally, I do agree that perhaps Mel and I are just not sexually compatible. Perhaps if I can get through the mental block, things will be better. If not, I am accepting of this possibility.

 

Definitely appreciate all the insight. It is helpful to navigate these uncharted waters.

[PlayinParker 15]

How has your wife been acting during the play sessions? Does she hook up with Mike and focus on giving him pleasure; oral sex, fucking etc. and exclusively focus on him? Does she also focus on you? Are the girls having fun with both of you, or is Mike more the focus (from both girls)?

She is rather unique, when she gets revved up, she goes into almost a trance like state. Like blinders on and having orgasm after orgasm. Its not always the same. There are occasions when she gives me oral while fucking him, and vice versa, or she will reach out and grab my hand, or give a handjob, depending upon body position.

There has been a time, (last one, the most quad participating session) where there was multiple combinations going and that was good. Predominately, Mike and my wife are having sex, and Mel and I are watching. Typically that is fine, but I do want to be included and touched as well. We cleared that up in conversation, so I dont expect there to be issues on that front.

 

How is the other girl acting towards you? Has she given you focus at all? You've been giving her oral, but has she just received that oral sex and enjoyed watching Mike and your wife? Has she also joined your wife in pleasuring Mike?

After the conversation where we found that we both were being a little apprehensive with each other, needlessly, there has been more touching and attention. Not the same as our spouses are enjoying, but still some pleasure. They have tag teamed him a couple times, occupying his mouth and cock simultaneously.

 

Have you talked with your wife about pulling back from the playtime with your friends and focusing on the two of you exclusively? If you have, how did she respond (be exact)?

Not in so many words no, when the ED issues cropped up last week, she said that she thought this was what I wanted and if I wasnt getting out of it what I thought, then maybe it was a mistake and we need to stop.

Ultimately, I think that like many others have offered up, I am overthinking and need to have more communication, confidence, above all, relax.

 

Thanks for your assistance.

[PlayinParker 15]

Julie,

 

Thank you, your point is well taken. I dont think any of us wanted or expected to go this fast, it just happened and we have been caught up in the lust of it all.

I dont have a feeling on the surface of any guilt, but it could very well be there. Perhaps putting on the brakes and having more communication would be in order and essential for not creating further issue.

 

Thanks!

[PlayinParker 15]

One other thing that has me wondering is the large change in frequency; you were having sex with your wife once or twice a month prior to this introduction to swinging. Then when you started swinging with this couple you were meeting them 2-4 times a week to swing, over the course of a month.

 

What was going on that caused you to only have sex once or twice a month? Did you try to do anything to change that? Did one, or both, of you lose interest in sex?

Maybe I misspoke, most it had been was twice in a week for playtime, some weeks was once. Just for clarification.

My wife has had medical issues and found that food allergies were affecting her. Resolving those, she has felt better and more able. Previously it would go through cycles where she felt good and we could have sex a couple times a week, other times, we were doing good to go once a month. I dont think that either of us have ever lost interest, just not having an ability. She would also have pain which would create inability. Although I dont recall that has been there much, if at all for the past 4-6 months. I also think that the stress of work was relieved with her job loss and that has assisted her to some extent, although creating stress in other ways.

 

I will also echo the sentiments of the other posters here; very many women assume that men will just get a hardon at the sheer mention of sex. It's not true and it can impact both people happiness (the woman doesn't feel attractive and the man feels emasculated). We met a couple who has been swinging for almost 10 years; they had a lot of experience and knew a lot of people in the swinging community here. While having some drinks with them and talking the woman mentioned (while telling a story) that she won't let a flaccid penis anywhere near her. She expected the men to be hard and it was their problem to deal with it if they weren't. Her exact quote was, I believe: "A man should get hard just at the sight of my naked body". Our drinks with them didn't last much longer than that, my mind was made up as soon as that came out of her mouth. No way in hell I want to be having sex with someone with that kind of attitude. It didn't help the situation much that a few weeks prior to that we had been playing with a couple and I had a bit of trouble staying hard when we tried to do a full swap. In hindsight it was inevitable: I wasn't overly attracted to her, she wasn't fully comfortable with full swap (despite claiming that she was) and if we had paid closer attention we probably never would have even played with them at all.

 

Thanks for the info, and insight. I will come on keepin on and see where things fall. I need to reflect on all of this info and see where my head is, talk with my wife and hopefully get past this.

[Rembrandt 15]

It has been mentioned in this thread but it would be good to have it repeated. There are many reasons for ED. Some are physical, come are psychological. See a doctor and let him know what you are experiencing.

 

It could be something as mundane as you are just overworked. Amp up the diet, eat better is what I mean. Your tool is as much a part of your body as anything else. Blood pressure issues (too low or too high) can have an effect on you. Go get a physical and mention your problem. At least you could rule out a medical issue. You only have one, take care of it.

 

If it is a psychological issue that can be more elusive. It could take some time to get to the core issue but it is worth it. Regardless of the issue I recommend eating right and getting into a decent exercise program. You will feel better about yourself in general. That helps a lot.

 

Men, unfortunately, place way too much stock in their abilities in the sack. Any person should be so much more than that. I am sure that you have been with other women before you got married. Each woman is entirely different from the other. This goes for men too I am told. We should not compare ourselves to others. A good therapy, in my unlearned opinion, would be to take some time and do something together - like take a dance class. Tango for example as it is a very intimate and sensual form of dance. Your wife will love it. I could also recommend swing dance lessons (no pun intended). It is fun, energetic, and can be quite sexy.

 

All this being said, see a doctor just to be certain. We all need a tune up from time to time.

 

Rembrandt