As a swinger, how would you react to your partner cheating?

[NymphoWind 16]

This has not been a issue for us, this probably won't be a issue for us, it's a curious thought and interest in hearing what others would do if a situation has come up, or had come up...

 

I/We completely understand that cheating is cheating and regardless of anything, cheating is bad, and not swinging...

 

Regardless of whether you are planning to go into the lifestyle or are already into it, lets say you catch your partner cheating, (In bed or somewhere in general; Like on a desk in your or your partner's office...)

 

How would you go about dealing with this?

 

Would you (A) Leave your partner because cheating is cheating and even though being in the lifestyle means hooking up with other people the approval is there.

 

or (B) Would you flip out in that moment, but let it go because once or even being in the lifestyle means eventually you'll be seeing your partner with others and vice versa. (even though it doesn't change the fact that cheating is still cheating, and cheating is not swinging...)

 

or © Would you forgive your partner, and even things out by hooking up with someone else, and than continue on with the relationship? And so forth?

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I wouldn't flip out or leave my partner. But, I would leave from that particular situation, and I would make it clear later on that we were done swinging (not that this was swinging). Further, that she had to permanently break contact with the guy in question if she wanted me to stay. Anything past that, I would not want to decide while angry.

[lustylearning 705]

I agree with bbarnsworth. I wouldn't leave, at least not in a single instance - a pattern may call for leaving. I might flip out for a bit because I'm human. But even if I react negatively at first, I'd take the time to examine, assess, etc., and discuss. I don't believe a relationship is necessarily doomed because someone cheats, though it is a red flag requiring address and reparation. Spouses/partners need to trust one another.

 

Just to add, cheating is cheating, even within the lifestyle. The only difference I think for a lifestyler is that the sex itself may be less of an issue than the underlying breach of trust - the violation of agreed upon boundaries.

[truckerbuddy 127]

Maybe I'm just getting old, but going behind your partner's back is cheating in or out of the lifestyle. If I have the approval and all are on the same page, that's swinging.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Regardless of whether you are planning to go into the lifestyle or are already into it, people in good relationships, don't give this question allot of thought.

 

Some may ponder where to hide the bodies. Some may not...

 

As for me..

 

If I came home and found Mrs fun naked, with a playmate. I am quite sure there would be a bunch of sexy friends jumping out of the closets and from behind the furniture yelling "Surprise, it is a swingers party"

 

See, that's my mentality though... We just don't have the thoughts of cheating.

[curioussnk 17]

We have talked about this..not so much in regards to us or worrying about ..but just one more of the many conversations that come up between us.

 

For us it might be a little easier because we do not play seperate. So neither of us could lean on that excuse. If one of us were "caught" with someone else that would mean the other partner did not know about it..which would mean deception. That equals cheating in our dictionary.

 

I can not say what would happen to our relationship but it would definitely create some problems.

 

I know I will not be able to explain this emotion very well...but since entering the lifestyle and enjoying the openness and honesty..I think I would be even more devastated if this happened now. Make sense? (let me just go ahead and say that NO i do not think vanilla's would be any less hurt by cheating)

[Oleg&Lena 43]

Hmm…very interesting question. I think I am somewhere between second and third variant of answer. My wife, I just have asked her, with laugh have chosen a third. That is we exactly would not destroy our relationship because of that little incident.

[IvoryTowers 380]

Since Mr. Ivory and I are poly and meet people separately cheating isn't exactly cheating for us. By that I mean that if I came home and found him with another woman my first thought would be "Oops, I must have forgotten that he was seeing someone tonight!" Unlikely to happen, but during the final weeks of the semester I do get pretty absent minded!

 

The only way he could "cheat" on me would be to have a secret relationship with someone that he completely hid from me and that would, of course, anger me a great deal because it would mean he was lying to me on a regular basis. I don't know if I'd end the relationship, but we'd have some serious, probably refereed discussions.

[Begood03 15]

In my opinion a marriage is only as strong as the trust you have in each other. So if you can't trust your spouse to be truthful with you, what good is your marriage? Again this is just my opinion.

[Trace Ekies 186]

It would completely depend on whether the other chick is hot or not.

 

Sorry guys, I just couldn't resist...

 

To the point - I would be furious, leave the immediate situation, refuse to discuss the situation for a day or two and then want to know why she would do such a thing when I would probably help her play alone from time to time so long as she's safe.

 

From there her answer would have a profound affect on my reaction...if she's flippant, difficult or confrontational I would have to consider that something's changed and it may be time to make some dramatic changes.

 

If she's apologetic and seems genuinely upset and concerned that she'd gutted me I'd forgive her and probably always wonder what else I don't know about and what else may be going on. I'm not a jealous person so It would be idle thoughts with a watchful eye toward obvious signs.

 

Lying is such a childish thing to do...especially when the subject is sex and the parties involved already share their marital bed.

 

It may be driven by selfishness...he or she may want to have a "forbidden" affair and use the agreement of sex with others together as permission when they know it's wrong and want to fulfill a desire. Again, childish.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I would talk to my partner and from there try to find out what led to this cheating. Why when they have permission to have sex with others, would they do so without permission? Obviously there is a bigger issue that we need to work on. Based on what is discovered from that discussion (and probably many more to follow) I would make a decision on what to do from there.

 

The one thing I can say I would do... take a break from swinging while we are figuring this out.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

I don't see this as an issue we would run into, as we already came close to it in the beginning of swinging, so everything was laid out on the table right then and there.

 

Now maybe that's naive thinking, never knowing what the future will hold, but if he or I found someone else we were physically attracted to, we'd discuss it. We've both already walked away from those that the other was not ok with.

 

We're not looking for an open marriage or poly relationships, but have also discussed the "what if?", and so long as we discuss it up front, then we'll decide where it goes.

 

Honestly, if either one of us caught the other cheating, it would definitely be an ugly moment.

 

If we weren't in the lifestyle, maybe forgiveness would come easier. But within the lifestyle? Knowing that we both can play with others and discuss it openly, it would be far worse than if we were still vanilla.

[junkyard38 21]

We have talked about this..not so much in regards to us or worrying about ..but just one more of the many conversations that come up between us.

 

For us it might be a little easier because we do not play seperate. So neither of us could lean on that excuse. If one of us were "caught" with someone else that would mean the other partner did not know about it..which would mean deception. That equals cheating in our dictionary.

 

I can not say what would happen to our relationship but it would definitely create some problems.

 

I know I will not be able to explain this emotion very well...but since entering the lifestyle and enjoying the openness and honesty..I think I would be even more devastated if this happened now. Make sense? (let me just go ahead and say that NO i do not think vanilla's would be any less hurt by cheating)

The cheating outside of our partnership has happened to me. Yes we were swingers and enjoyed the opportunity to enjoy others, for excitement and pleasure. But when she began to have a relationship with 2 other men behind my back, then lie about why she was gone on a regular schedule it left me without many choices. 1. Do I continue to support her, allowing her to run behind my back, for we did not swing separately. 2. Do I buy her a one way ticket back to England, free her of any commitment to me. Yes the option I took was the one way ticket. She now regrets her actions, but the deed was done and the hurt/ trust was broken. At this time I do not have a partner for mutual enjoyment, nor to be able/enjoyment for the pleasure of other women. Once the trust is broken nothing in my mind can repair the damage.

[pablocasso 15]

I once had a one time with a swinging wife in the absence of her husband. However, we made videos for him. She later told me, he loved it. Since then we have been doing it even when he is not around.

[jdavisauto 73]

Swinging is open honest for both couples involve. Same room, different room, along or together, as long as it is open and honest is fun and exciting for both the husband and wife. Cheating is dishonest and hidden for each other. Lies to the husband or wife to keep cheating hidden is not fun and not the swingers life style. If I found out that my other was cheating I would be piss to no end. Our relationship for the past 10 years has always been one of honestly, by cheating that honestly would be broken forever. I can’t live with someone that I can’t trust.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I once had a one time with a swinging wife in the absence of her husband. However, we made videos for him. She later told me, he loved it. Since then we have been doing it even when he is not around.

Good story, Mr. pablocasso. But is this cheating, swinging, or payback? Inquiring minds need to know.

[dan5660 15]

Swingers have the same problems within their relationships as non-swinger couples. One of these problems would be cheating! What I have noticed, if you ask a couple what the basis for wanting to be in the swingers life style is, you usually will receive a good indication if the couple has a stable or unstable relationship. Of course the ones who are not stable shouldn't even attempt the swingers lifestyle at all. But they do, thinking it will improve something their relationship is missing. I have met couples who agree to have a totally open or "contractual" relationship. They have boyfriends or girlfriends as they wish. With or without their partners approval. Their relationship is normally headed in the direction of disaster and eventual break-up. The only couples who survive this sort of agreement, are the couples out there (very few) who are living together for reasons of comfort, with minimal emotionally ties.

 

Bottom line, if your cheating, you don't need to be a swinger to do it! Cheating is not part of what swinging is about at all. Real and stable swingers, trust each other and talk. If they want to go out by themselves they discuss it and decide if it is OK before the act takes place, not after. Thus no cheating!

 

I may give my wife one pass, but that would be it.

[ktimephoenix 156]

Cheating and Swinging are completely different as I'm sure all of you are aware.

 

To me if Mr P had cheated I would be more hurt then if I wasn't in the Lifestyle. Swinging involves so much trust and honesty and to trust someone enough to be ok with them having sex with someone else is huge and you may not find that level of trust with every partner in life.

 

I would perhaps give him one pass depending on the circumstances; for example, if it was a once off I may forgive it. Anything more, I cant comment on unless it were to happen, which I don't see it ever being an issue.

[Gordo 618]

Interesting question.

 

I've been struggling with this for the last two weeks. Here is a what I consider a concrete example.

 

We have played with a couple before and frankly wifey gets really wound up by him. They seem to be running on a level of 10 (sexually) compared to his wife and I at maybe 2-3. My wife has acknowledged an infatuation with him.

 

Other wife was out of town two weeks ago and he was over. In my wife's defense I will acknowledge we had 4 pitchers of margarita's, a bottle of wine etc. We were sitting in the hot tub just talking and fondling, real soft stuff.

 

We decided we were ready to crash and he was invited to sleep with us and we would take the current activities (soft) upstairs and talk some more.

 

My wife had told me earlier in the week she didn't want to "fuck" him anymore and we had agreed to stop with them. Although soft activities would still be OK the hard stuff was over.

 

Anyway up we went, I had to close up the house, do the dogs, go to the bathroom etc etc. By the time I got there it was an easy 15-20 minutes. Only to discover them fucking their brains out. As he told me later they were fucking like minks within 2 minutes. As I'd always wanted to try a threesome I let the immediate impact go and tried to make the best of it. However the evening went sour when the two of them basically fucked for 2 1/2 hours and every time I went near her she would start to spiral down. I finally gave up participating and just sat there watching them finish. She had no idea where I was or what I was doing or that I had stopped participating.

 

After some cuddling she came over and spooned with me for about 5 minutes then said she was too hot. She moved to the center of the bed and I then watched as she gradually moved over to him till they were ass to ass and when he got up to go to the bathroom he came back and scooped her into a spoon that she just snuggled into with a happy look on her face. Apparently that wasn't too hot for her:angry: I know she was awake because we had talked while he was in the bathroom.

 

And here I'm left over on my side of the bed alone.

 

The thing was we also had a rule on intimacy that we agreed past the immediate cuddle after sex there wouldn't be any.

 

Anyway I gave her 15 minutes or so and when she still hadn't left him I sat up and gave her a filthy look and she literally jumped over to me.

 

Too late, I feel really bummed out by everything I saw. Although I enjoyed the sex even the watching (which really surprised me) it was obvious that there is a real serious connection between them.

 

And in my opinion she stole (cheated) from our marriage to be with him and seriously violated boundaries.

 

Needless to say swinging with him is absolutely over but I'm now struggling with the images and implications of her actions. She swears she wasn't intending to kick our marriage to the curb, had no idea I was so distressed and felt because I was there with them that "everything" was OK. She also tells me the sex with him is great but once it's over she's happy to be back with me and never thinks of him otherwise.

 

The really dumbass thing about this is had they just waited and asked, she knows I've always been interested in trying threesomes. Why did they have to spoil what they could have easily had permission for

 

She also told me that she "knew" she was going to fuck him when she went upstairs although she didn't bother sharing that thought with me. He basically said the same thing, he knew he was going upstairs to fuck her and the soft activities be damned.

 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive expecting her to be in control when she was obviously so drunk but I really feel cheated on.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Maybe I'm just too sensitive expecting her to be in control when she was obviously so drunk but I really feel cheated on.

 

I think you have every reason to feel that way. I would offer though that drinking and swinging are potentially a very bad mix.

 

To me, it sounds like there's more than a physical connection going on. For my wife and I, that means it ends, regardless of how good the sex is. I enjoy her having sex with others, enjoy watching, etc..but if the emotions start to go beyond friendship, it's cold turkey end it time. She knows it, and abides by it without question.

 

Ask her to speak to you honestly and openly about where her emotions are with respect to this guy, and also make it clear that IF there's another play date, alcohol will not be involved. If the emotions are all friendship and nothing more, then it might be possible to try another play date without alcohol. It can sometimes be hard to find a great sex partner. Your wife has found this. If the wife in the other couple is content to let her husband play solo, this might work out ok. But, some serious discussion is in order. That said, there seems to be too many red flags on this one.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Interesting question.

 

I've been struggling with this for the last two weeks. Here is a what I consider a concrete example.

 

We have played with a couple before and frankly wifey gets really wound up by him. They seem to be running on a level of 10 (sexually) compared to his wife and I at maybe 2-3. My wife has acknowledged an infatuation with him.

 

Other wife was out of town two weeks ago and he was over. In my wife's defense I will acknowledge we had 4 pitchers of margarita's, a bottle of wine etc. We were sitting in the hot tub just talking and fondling, real soft stuff.

 

We decided we were ready to crash and he was invited to sleep with us and we would take the current activities (soft) upstairs and talk some more.

 

My wife had told me earlier in the week she didn't want to "fuck" him anymore and we had agreed to stop with them. Although soft activities would still be OK the hard stuff was over.

 

Anyway up we went, I had to close up the house, do the dogs, go to the bathroom etc etc. By the time I got there it was an easy 15-20 minutes. Only to discover them fucking their brains out. As he told me later they were fucking like minks within 2 minutes. As I'd always wanted to try a threesome I let the immediate impact go and tried to make the best of it. However the evening went sour when the two of them basically fucked for 2 1/2 hours and every time I went near her she would start to spiral down. I finally gave up participating and just sat there watching them finish. She had no idea where I was or what I was doing or that I had stopped participating.

 

After some cuddling she came over and spooned with me for about 5 minutes then said she was too hot. She moved to the center of the bed and I then watched as she gradually moved over to him till they were ass to ass and when he got up to go to the bathroom he came back and scooped her into a spoon that she just snuggled into with a happy look on her face. Apparently that wasn't too hot for her:angry: I know she was awake because we had talked while he was in the bathroom.

 

And here I'm left over on my side of the bed alone.

 

The thing was we also had a rule on intimacy that we agreed past the immediate cuddle after sex there wouldn't be any.

 

Anyway I gave her 15 minutes or so and when she still hadn't left him I sat up and gave her a filthy look and she literally jumped over to me.

 

Too late, I feel really bummed out by everything I saw. Although I enjoyed the sex even the watching (which really surprised me) it was obvious that there is a real serious connection between them.

 

And in my opinion she stole (cheated) from our marriage to be with him and seriously violated boundaries.

 

Needless to say swinging with him is absolutely over but I'm now struggling with the images and implications of her actions. She swears she wasn't intending to kick our marriage to the curb, had no idea I was so distressed and felt because I was there with them that "everything" was OK. She also tells me the sex with him is great but once it's over she's happy to be back with me and never thinks of him otherwise.

 

The really dumbass thing about this is had they just waited and asked, she knows I've always been interested in trying threesomes. Why did they have to spoil what they could have easily had permission for

 

She also told me that she "knew" she was going to fuck him when she went upstairs although she didn't bother sharing that thought with me. He basically said the same thing, he knew he was going upstairs to fuck her and the soft activities be damned.

 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive expecting her to be in control when she was obviously so drunk but I really feel cheated on.

Wow. I can see why you feel cheated on.

 

Where are the discussions going now with your wife on the subject? Does she see things the same way you do about having taken something away from the marriage? Does she acknowledge that she and this man went blasting past the boundaries you had set? How much of it is due to just being drunk?

 

I am curious, why did she call off the full-swap (fucking) activities to begin with? If she is so "wound up" by him, there must be some reason. Was she trying to cool things off?

 

Does she often stop cuddling with you at night because of body heat? This is a minor point, but that is something that's an unfortunate circumstance for me and my husband. His body temperature is just too hot for me and I always end up rolling away from him. But with some other sleep partners, our body temperatures are much closer together and so much more comfortable. I'm not saying that excuses anything that happened before, during or after the spooning.

 

When you say swinging with him is over, I understand. Does your wife agree with you on this? Is she upset about it?

 

It really does sound like she just wanted to have sex with him one-on-one, especially when you consider that they started while you were doing chores. When you start to fall for someone and want to build that connection, especially when the sex is so great, it's easy to push the aspect of being able to be alone and then make excuses later. I think it is potentially important that she seemed to "spiral down" whenever you went near her to try to make it a threesome. Does it seem to you that she really just wanted to be with him alone, but wanted you to be okay with it?

 

And back to the original post, how have you reacted to this situation?

[LFM2 1,482]

I can't even imagine him cheating, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

 

OK...Not having read a lot of the other posts in this thread, I'd have to say that I wouldn't have a tiff, get a gun or yell. I would like to know the "why's" and "what for's" for the cheating event. I think we're all in agreement that swinging and cheating are somewhat opposites. It should go without saying that swinging would be put on the back burner for the time being, because it's obvious that something else is wrong in the marriage, right? I'd want to find the cause and what needs to be done to fix it. Counseling or therapy would probably apply.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

My wife has acknowledged an infatuation with him....

 

 

Other wife was out of town two weeks ago and he was over. In my wife's defense I will acknowledge we had 4 pitchers of margarita's, a bottle of wine etc. We were sitting in the hot tub just talking and fondling, real soft stuff.

 

We decided we were ready to crash and he was invited to sleep with us and we would take the current activities (soft) upstairs and talk some more.

 

My wife had told me earlier in the week she didn't want to "fuck" him anymore and we had agreed to stop with them. Although soft activities would still be OK the hard stuff was over.

 

... As he told me later they were fucking like minks within 2 minutes. As I'd always wanted to try a threesome I let the immediate impact go and tried to make the best of it. ... I finally gave up participating and just sat there watching them finish.

...

And in my opinion she stole (cheated) from our marriage to be with him and seriously violated boundaries.

 

...

 

She also told me that she "knew" she was going to fuck him when she went upstairs although she didn't bother sharing that thought with me. He basically said the same thing, he knew he was going upstairs to fuck her and the soft activities be damned.

 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive expecting her to be in control when she was obviously so drunk but I really feel cheated on.

 

I edited your post down to what I felt were the most important parts.

 

She had already acknowledged an infatuation for this guy. And I'm guessing it was because of this acknowledged infatuation that you had both decided not to do full swap with this couple again. That being the case, why would you even continue to soft play with them? Why would you invite him over to this house without his wife? You were BOTH playing with fire here.

 

You (BOTH) invited him upstairs to sleep over and you mean to tell me that you never once thought that this might turn into something sexual? As soon as you wrote that you were taking it upstairs I ASSUMED that that was what you had in mind. Did you (either of you) ever let this guy know that you did not intend to continue full swap with them (or him)?

 

The alcohol was only part of this issue, but a minor part really. If anything it added an excuse to do something you (as a couple) hadn't really done anything to prevent happening in the first place.

 

There are a lot of red flags her and a lot of issues, most of them yours (as a couple). I feel sorry for the other guy who got stuck in the middle of this drama. It wasn't his fault. But, it was as much your fault as it was your wifes. I know that may sound harsh, but unless you fill in some serious blanks that change the assumptions I believe that is the truth.

[bi_slinky4u 15]

I think this is such a subjective subject that it's hard to narrow it down to the three choices given. It depends on the couple, the situation, and what they are going through at the time.

[Gordo 618]

Wow. I can see why you feel cheated on.

 

Where are the discussions going now with your wife on the subject? Does she see things the same way you do about having taken something away from the marriage? Does she acknowledge that she and this man went blasting past the boundaries you had set? How much of it is due to just being drunk?

 

I am curious, why did she call off the full-swap (fucking) activities to begin with? If she is so "wound up" by him, there must be some reason. Was she trying to cool things off?

 

Does she often stop cuddling with you at night because of body heat? This is a minor point, but that is something that's an unfortunate circumstance for me and my husband. His body temperature is just too hot for me and I always end up rolling away from him. But with some other sleep partners, our body temperatures are much closer together and so much more comfortable. I'm not saying that excuses anything that happened before, during or after the spooning.

 

When you say swinging with him is over, I understand. Does your wife agree with you on this? Is she upset about it?

 

It really does sound like she just wanted to have sex with him one-on-one, especially when you consider that they started while you were doing chores. When you start to fall for someone and want to build that connection, especially when the sex is so great, it's easy to push the aspect of being able to be alone and then make excuses later. I think it is potentially important that she seemed to "spiral down" whenever you went near her to try to make it a threesome. Does it seem to you that she really just wanted to be with him alone, but wanted you to be okay with it?

 

And back to the original post, how have you reacted to this situation?

 

She see's it as an inadvertent blowing past the boundaries because of the alcohol. She says she had no intention of hurting me or kicking the marriage to the curb or anything like it. She says she thought I would be fine with it all.

 

We were calling off the full swap activities because there had been a two incidents where we wanted to discuss issues, rules or limits on the activities with the other couple and both times he had blown up and started acting like a little kid refusing to give up a toy. (no joke) After the second time we were both sick of watching him behave like that and decided to end it. That was where we were at when this happened.

 

Yes she has always rolled away from me because of body heat, nothing new there. But she also told me he was too hot too. But she stayed and started to go to sleep with him.

 

She never previously expressed a desire for a threesome it was never one of her fantasies. Mine definitely. But I figured some of the sexual charge from having two of us at once should work in my favor but as soon as I got involved (vaginally) things just went downhill. He climbed back on and within seconds she's screaming the bedroom down again. It was obvious as the action went on that she wanted to be with him alone, and, as you say have me OK with it. As I said she had no idea that I withdrew and had just started watching. And for all the alcohol, she never once lost track of his needs and failed to fulfill them. Frankly their sex is awesome far better than any porno I've ever seen. They work unbelievably well together, far better than she and I. More on this on the response to Julie.

 

My reaction has been predictable, anger dismay, sorrow, depression, crying all the stages of grief. I've wanted to kick her out, forgive her, humiliate her frankly I'm all over the map.

 

I'm trying to accept her explanation that it was inadvertent and she never intended any bad. The alternative is just too horrible to contemplate. I can't imagine my life without her.

 

She has sworn off booze and has been reading about alcohol abuse for the last two weeks. I don't exactly swallow that excuse as she never showed any problems in the previous 20+ years we've been together. Neither of us have ever been heavy drinkers, I'd have a couple of drinks a month and she would have 3-4 a week. The sheer quantity of alcohol consumption was definitely an aberration.

[Gordo 618]

I edited your post down to what I felt were the most important parts.

 

She had already acknowledged an infatuation for this guy. And I'm guessing it was because of this acknowledged infatuation that you had both decided not to do full swap with this couple again. That being the case, why would you even continue to soft play with them? Why would you invite him over to this house without his wife? You were BOTH playing with fire here.

 

No I explained why we ended the full swap on my post to The Fuse. The evening was supposed to be a vanilla event. There was never any intent to have any activities. These people are also good friends of ours. The soft activities started somehow, and I'm not even sure now at this point as to how it started???

 

You (BOTH) invited him upstairs to sleep over and you mean to tell me that you never once thought that this might turn into something sexual? As soon as you wrote that you were taking it upstairs I ASSUMED that that was what you had in mind. Did you (either of you) ever let this guy know that you did not intend to continue full swap with them (or him)?

 

No thought of anything sexual at all for me. We even talked about it BEFORE going upstairs. His wife was out of town and here's the killer that I forgot to include in the first post. He had no permission to play and in fact she had specifically denied him permission. My wife was aware of this as was I. I wasn't bothered by the soft activities as I knew his wife would be OK with that.

 

Of course by the time I got upstairs they had already blown past those limits. He was cheating on his wife just as much as she was cheating on me. And I guess I was just drunk enough to go along, a fact that has given me several moments of shame.

 

He's confessed to his wife who amazingly took it all in good spirit and forgave him. Of course the trouble is she doesn't know what really happened but hasn't asked any questions at all. I told both of them I wouldn't cover it up if she asked but considering they have kids at home I really couldn't tell her the truth now.

 

Here's what troubling me most right now. It's the utter indifference she showed toward me during the sexual activities. As I stated even spiraling down when I had her vaginally.

 

He gives her great ass pounding sex and it's obvious to me she just loves it. She tells me that wouldn't last for long though and SHE DOESN'T COME FROM IT.

 

She also says sex with me is different. That I punch all her buttons and she just loves everything I do when I touch her because it's all so loving. That she only wants to be with me and never thinks of him at all. She only came that evening from my oral efforts, something he has never been able to successfully do and after he left the next morning we went back to bed and she had an awesome orgasm with me from vaginal intercourse within 5 minutes.

 

I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the above as it seems clear to me that if sex was so good with me why did she clearly choose him every time it mattered. And I'm ok with the sexual activities but the intimacy she displayed with him KILLS me. I don't get why they can F their brains out but I'm crushed by them spooning with the obvious intention of staying like that for the night

 

And here's a score for the loser here (me). On our last discussion as a foursome he was boasting about his sexual prowess in getting his wife wound up and her orgasms. His wife looked at him and said "you give me mini orgasms but the big "O" I only have with him (me). He takes me to places you've never taken me". You should have seen the look on his face

 

Another member suggested I split this off for advice but I know I'm going to forgive her and try to work it out. Swinging is off our menu for a while and maybe forever. He is also gone and will never get another chance at her even if we return to it.

 

I didn't want to hijack the thread looking for advice I just felt it was a situation that was right on topic.

[sexylady1970 69]

What would posess someone who can have sex with whomever they want sneak behind their partners back? Just my opinion but only bad things happen when someone does this. Two of our closest lifestyle friends divorced because just such a thing happened.

 

The worst part is that if they wish to continue in the lifestyle, their new partners could NEVER trust them.

 

Just bad all around

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

He had no permission to play and in fact she had specifically denied him permission. My wife was aware of this as was I. I wasn't bothered by the soft activities as I knew his wife would be OK with that. Of course by the time I got upstairs they had already blown past those limits.

 

major major major major major

 

Hmm. I think I'd wave it 'til the flag came off the pole.

 

Look, the most fundamental of rules was broken here. No means no. The other wife said no. Her wishes were completely ignored. BZZT. Alcohol induced or no, this is a MAJOR problem. If you can't trust yourself not to uphold the rules of another couple, if you can't trust your wife to uphold the rules of another couple, you have no business swinging. You had better figure out how to stick to the rules of the other couple before trying to swing again, much less the other hurdles you have (read on)

 

 

I'm having a lot of trouble accepting the above as it seems clear to me that if sex was so good with me why did she clearly choose him every time it mattered. And I'm ok with the sexual activities but the intimacy she displayed with him KILLS me.

 

I think you've got some serious questions in regards to swinging to answer here. Your wife obviously enjoys the solo play, and is willing to show intimacy. From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like she's looking for love, but is willing to express and receive intimacy. That's a difficult line in the sand to draw.

 

For my wife and I, I want the sex she has with other men to be absolutely as good as possible. If she can have sex with other men that makes sex with me pale in comparison, I'm ok with that. That's in large part because of the intense depth of love we have makes sex as an expression of intimacy pale in comparison. Nobody can touch that, and if it starts to head in that direction we cut it off, cold turkey. Theoretically, she could be utterly intimate with someone to the exclusion of me without it hurting our love, but it's like opening the bridge up to the possibility and I don't want to go there.

 

We've had some discussions about this, and there's no firm line in the sand here. But, if there's a rule about this it is this; I should never feel rejected, nor should she. If she's being intimate with someone, there shouldn't be a problem with my joining in. If there is, there's a problem. A case example we've discussed (though this hasn't happened). I'd be ok with coming home from work knowing she's been fucking mr. swing partner for hours, and hearing her moan and the bed knocking the wall. I would _not_ be ok with finding the bedroom door locked, knocking, and getting no response. If that happened, I'd be breaking the door open (and I am NOT a violent person by any stretch of the imagination). I will not be excluded nor will she from me.

 

 

I don't get why they can F their brains out but I'm crushed by them spooning with the obvious intention of staying like that for the night

 

If I might suggest, the bigger problem isn't them being intimate. It's you being rejected. Not that the intimacy isn't a problem. It might be. But, the rejection is what hurt you more I think.

 

 

His wife looked at him and said "you give me mini orgasms but the big "O" I only have with him (me). He takes me to places you've never taken me". You should have seen the look on his face

 

Personally, I'd be ok with that if my wife said that. I'd say to the guy "You'd better stick around! And, I hope you'll teach me what you're doing to her!" Sex isn't a function of love. You can have better sex with someone because you love them, but you can have great sex without love too. There's zillions of things to do and ways to do them. If there's another way that my wife ticks that I'm not aware of, I'm all ears. I'm also completely receptive to her getting it from another guy, whether I can do the same or not.

 

 

Another member suggested I split this off for advice but I know I'm going to forgive her and try to work it out. Swinging is off our menu for a while and maybe forever. He is also gone and will never get another chance at her even if we return to it.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Most emphatically. Now that I know more about this situation, my opinion in a prior post is invalid.

 

This guy needs to be gone, period. No questions, no "but"s, nothing. If he can cheat on his wife, I don't want to think about what he'd do to your wife. There's plenty of swingers out there. You don't need a high risk, high drama swing partner. It's just not necessary.

 

I also thoroughly agree that you need to stop swinging until you can figure things out. I think your wife wants to play solo. If you aren't willing to accept that (and it's fine if you don't) then she needs to accept no solo playing. It sounds to me like she needs to never reject you again too. She also needs to learn to play within the rules, and treat other couples' rules as sacrosanct as her own.

[CXXC 435]

I would easily give Mrs. CXXC a pass for the first time. Perhaps even second time. She would be fully aware of my heartbreak, but unless the relationship was based upon emotional infidelity, I cannot say I would be too upset.

 

Not knowing where she is and if she is safe is my main concern.

 

She would kick me to the curb in a heartbeat if I cheated on her. This I know!

 

We are fully open and expect a call or text to inform each other of our intentions. If I am out and find a palymate, I call, ask if it is ok and follow her directive. She does the very same.