Family has suspicions we swing!

[sexylady1970 69]

The other day Mrs sexy called me completely upset about a conversation she had with her sister. Apparently, she and her husband have had some suspicions about us for quite some time. During the conversation it became apparent that she called their mother to tell her about us without any proof.

 

My take on the situation was pretty simple. I told her that it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that they should stop this nonsense between each other. I also wondered when her sister became so prudish so I took it upon myself to call her.

 

She basically called us every name in the book, and while not admitting to anything or denying anything, I simply told her that what my wife and I choose to do with our private lives is our business and nobody elses. I told her that we have a very good circle of friends that care more about us than even our families. We both look and feel better than we ever have and enjoy ourselves. I also told her that all things are not what they appear, and if in the future, she wished to discuss things with either of us, then she should do so, and not start spreading rumors or stories. Mrs sexy rarely if ever talks to her mother so that is not an issue, but she has a big mouth and I am sure it is all over her hometown (we don't live in the same state as her).

 

I think that in the near future even if we were to openly admit our activities to her in some detail (censored of course) things might get ugly. I suspect that she is so upset over jealousy about our relationship versus hers (her and her husband have been having serious problems recently) and she sees how happy both of us are.

 

What is the take from other members of the board on this subject? How would you have handled it?

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

The potential impact to you and your wife appears to be very small, if any. I think you handled it fine, but not sure I would have vested so much energy in talking to her. Her viewpoints will not change, and the lack of confirmation will be viewed as confirmation to a suspecting mind. Her next call was probably to your mother in law..

 

Sister-in-law: "I just got off the phone with and he didn't deny it!"

Mother-in-law: "What did he say?"

SIL: "Nothing much really. Just said he and sis are happy, but he just wouldn't deny it. Also said his friends are closer than we are. Nice, huh?"

 

People take from things what they want to hear. I've also noticed that there are people who, when their lives get bad, try to tear down other people to be as miserable as themselves. Misery loves company.

 

For my wife and I, if my mother in law found out the ENTIRE family would know. Not rapidly; she's not a gossip. She just doesn't keep things private and has no ethic to do so. It's not out of malice, she just doesn't think of things as being private. My sister in law, I don't know. She'd probably go ballistic. She has a rather poor sex life with her husband (out of her own fault, by all clues). My wife and sister in law are close, so I wouldn't want to see their relationship harmed. But, we also recognize that our family is us and our kids, not our in-laws and prior nuclear family. We'd still be happy if her family disowned us. On my side, most of my relatives are dead, and the couple remaining either wouldn't care (especially one of them...former die-hard hippie) or couldn't affect us anyhow. So, no worries.

[JustMrJ 178]

I agree with bbarnsworth... sounds like your sister-in-law is just looking to tear you guys down because she's having troubles. She's not going to change. No sense in even talking to her about your relationship in my opinion. If that's all she can talk to you about, then you have nothing to say. (I would sever my communications with her, other than holiday cards, etc.)

 

My family does not know and neither does my wife's. I suspect the only person that would understand would be my father. Everyone else is a bit too emotional about sex and can't distinguish between love and sex. They would respect our choices, but disagree with them and try to convince us it was something we should stop doing. We don't even want to go down that road.

 

As to friends finding out. Some very close friends have been told about our LifeStyle choice and have not changed their attitude towards us. Others, that are more casual and or more work related friends will not be informed. If they bump into us at a house party, then they have as much to loose as we do.

 

Good luck!

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I'm curious as to how they got suspicious in the first place.

 

Honestly I think you have two choices when you are confronted and asked "are you swingers?". You can flat out deny it, and say "what, like key parties and stuff?", or you can say "Hell yeah we are. Sorry if that's a problem for you".

 

When you try to be coy and neither confirm or deny, it puts you right in the middle of the road. Usually being in the middle of the road results in getting run over by a semi. As bbarnsworth said, they're going to hear what they want to hear. If you didn't deny it, then you admitted it, and since you didn't come right out and admit it, then you're ashamed of it (their interpretation, not mine!).

 

As for our family, her sister knows, and that is it. She is fine with it, even though it holds no interest for her.

 

My side learned long ago it's better to not ask about my private life, lest they be shocked and frightened about what they discover.

So, it is highly unlikely this scenario would play out.

 

Good luck to you!

[LFM2 1,482]

I think you handled it just fine. I also agree with some in that your sister-in-law is so unhappy with her life and marriage that she wants to share that with you two to see if she can make those around her as miserable as she is.

 

As far as calling her, I wouldn't have done, but then that's just me. I think that's just inviting more trouble and if you don't confirm or deny, they're going to take that silence as guilt. Some people can be so weird about that. Most people are presumed guilty before being found innocent.

 

I don't think anyone in my family knows except our oldest daughter who found our profile on AFF. Not a biggie though. She came over the other day and we talked more about sex and life and come to find out -- she and her BF tried the swing thing, too. I would be more comfortable if my mother never found out about us. She definitely wouldn't understand, but the rest of the family can either accept it or lump it.

[VanHlebar 187]

I most likely wouldn't have wasted the time or energy in calling my sister-in-law. Other than that, sure you probably have and are handling it right. We have some folks that know about us, our best friends that we are going on vacation know about us, and we have very strong indications from my two older children that they also know. Neither of them would ever bring it up directly to us though. We have raised them to talk openly about sex, but not to discuss ones sex life, that is private.

 

If someone in my family or my wife's family actually had the balls, or if a friend actually had the balls to ask me if I was in the LS, my only response would be that the question is very personal in nature and that I don't talk about my sex life with friends/family. I would ask them how they would feel if I asked them personal questions about their sex life? Yes this would most likely be seen as a confirmation that we are in fact in the LS, but hell they already think it anyways, so they don't need confirmation. They are going to continue believing what they want no matter how I answer their question.

 

Hope everything works out for you and your wife.

[lookingfornow 116]

Formulating any sort of serious response is going to require a lot more information. Most significantly: How large is your wife's family? How centrally located are they? How morally committed are they to the concept of monogamy in a relationship? How large is the community within which you live? How close is your wife to her mother? How influenced is your wife likely to be by her family's disapproval?

 

Depending upon the situation, my response might have varied from ignoring the situation, to subtle detective work to discover why she thinks what she thinks, to wholesale and complete denials (without reservation). It is nice to think that one's private life is and should be their own. And, in large, metropolitan cities when family is small, dispersed, and not terribly influential in one's life, it is easier to stake out that position. But, I know from experience that in a small town with a large, centrally located family, such a position will never be sustainable.

 

Good luck.

[lizandtom 512]

Never explain. Never apologize.

[WildMiCouple 325]

I probably would have handled it the same way as you. Talking to your sis-in-law was your way of coming to your wife's rescue. But that's the last I'd talk about it with her. If she wants to drive a wedge between you guys and her....then I'd let her. But I've got a feeling that once her marriage troubles play out, your sex life won't matter much to her and things will blow over.

 

Wishing you luck,

Brett

[sexylady1970 69]

I think the way they got suspicious was from several things.

 

1. Both of us have changed our appearance in weight and dress as well as having some cosmetic surgery.

 

2. We go out on the weekends and usually arrive home at 4 a.m. or later while another family member is babysitting at our home as they sleep over when we are out

 

3. Like most people we have one of those electronic picture frames with some pictures of us dressed up in club attire but nothing out of the ordinary.

 

I have to agree with some of the other posters on this one as she is attempting to bring her misery to us. Mrs sexy and her mother never talk and frankly she never was considered mother of the year, and in fact is exactly the opposite (for another forum on that one). The more and more we think about it we have decided.......screw them. We are what we are and will stay that way at least for now. Oh BTW, hypocritical sister-in-law confessed to an affair as well. Hmmmmmm

[Additude 457]

I think you did the right thing and took the correct course of action calling on your wifes sister to address the siutation directly with her.

 

I am a firm believer that people should mind their own business and that any subject is open for interpretation, or miss-interpretation by anyone other than the originator.

 

Thats why I never participate in rumors or judging people based on what other people say about them.

 

I think no matter what, she will always remember that you approached her directly and that in itself will give her cause to consider before she does something like that again concerning you.

 

But I ask, Why would this sister of suspicion not first come to yourself and your wife to discuss it or verify the truth?

[Trace Ekies 186]

I firmly believe that some people, like cockroaches, thrive on death and destruction. I don't know if it's the old "misery loves company" or if it's more related to schadenfreude.

 

As pointed out, it is probably related to some sort of jealously that leads her to either attempt to make you miserable (misery loves company) or just to stir something up and watch you scramble (schadenfreude).

 

In either case you didn't react except to confront her which promptly set her back on her heels and left her wondering. No death and destruction ensued which completely removed the enjoyment for her. Hopefully you removed any fun for her and she'll not mention it again.

 

Sidebar: 1. I have not called anyone a cockroach...it is used only as an example of a lifestyle some humans live. 2. Schadenfreude, as I understand it, is defined as the malicious enjoyment of some else's misfortune.

[VanHlebar 187]

Sadly, the family is more likely to forgive your sister-in-law for her "indiscretions" before they will forgive you for yous. Mind you hers most surely have hurt someone (her husband, kids etc) where yours clearly are not hurting anyone and are actually bring

more joy, love and pleasure to your relationship... go figure!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Oh BTW, hypocrytical sister inlaw confessed to an affair as well. Hmmmmmm

 

Well DUH don't you know she's waaay more straightlaced and moral in cheating on her husband than you are for having sex with other people with your spouse's consent? My word, where DO you get your notions of fidelity?!?!?!

 

I have zero time in my life for people who think cheating is somehow more acceptable than swinging.

[JustMrJ 178]

It never ceases to amaze me that people can not distinguish between cheating (affair) and swinging (approved extra marital sex). It's like all they see is the sex part, not that it's truthful or lying about it.

 

Sounds like if she wants to talk about it and not give you two a load of crap about it, then talk, if all she wants is to drag your choices through the mud, tell her to look in the mirror and hang up the phone.

[bitNtim 84]

Explain nothing. Smile and say "What happens in Vegas..............."

[ktimephoenix 156]

ask her if she wants to join you two. if she says no, ask the mother in law. if this was me, i'd be going for as much shock value as i could... sometimes truth is stranger than fiction

[Dave_kat 227]

Perhaps a slightly different viewpoint?

 

From the update, she's now confessing to an affair.

 

We hear nothing of what the Mother-in-law says about it, when she got told (which was prolly something like mind your own marriage, they are happy, leave them alone), which is why the affair came to light in the first place.

 

Jealousy of a happy marriage, especially when yours is unhappy is a terrible thing. Sister-in-law probably wanted to bring everyone down with her (misery loves company and all).

 

Why not confront the horns dead on? Sit Sister-in-law and her hubby down and explain the LS to them. While it sounds like they may have problems with the concept of monogamy themselves, it might do some good to let the light in and help them to overcome some of their own inhibitions in talking about things. We've found in talking with vanilla friends that they tend to view swinging as something like everyone jumping onto a bed naked and just having fun (oh wait, it is at times). But then giving them some food for thought and discussion might get them back to talking about how they want to view their own lifestyle. We're not suggesting taking them to a LS party, obviously a bad idea, but giving them a pause to perhaps even find grounds to get past what is turning into a bad situation for them. They already have an idea you participate, and showing how you are happy together might help them reopen their own lines of communication.

 

We actually did that with Kat's Sister when he had an affair a few years ago, and while they thought we were crazy, it did open their eyes to the fact that sex and love are quite seperate. As of now, they are back to going strong in their own relationship.

 

We came out to Kat's parents a long time ago (it doesn't help when MIL comes to visit and Kat has a live-in girlfriend while Dave was deployed to Iraq). MIL simply looked at her and told her as long as we were both happy, she couldn't bear to judge us.

[CXXC 435]

I have to agree with Dave kat here.

 

Education is probalby a far better tool than letting them live in ignorance.

[cocpl2007 170]

We are with LizandTom...

 

BUT, our personal experience is much, much more complex. And our current position is based upon our being confronted, also by a family member...

 

Perhaps we can draft a succinct response explaining our experience...

[CXXC 435]

I do wonder, at times, if it would be better to steal the fire form the individuals that hint about knowing by telling them straight forward. The old statement, "What we do in our personal lives is none of your business!" just does not cut it with some.

 

People tend to pass this information along if unchecked. What do you think? Confront and educate or let gossip wear itself out?

[cocpl2007 170]

I don't think you ever satisfy a gossip. Giving them factual information is only going to throw fuel onto the issue.

 

Curiously, I wonder how many vanilla couples (or either individual within any given couple) ever discuss their sexual relations with family members... or with friends? The male here, has never discussed any sexual relations or relationships with any of my siblings nor have I ever discussed this topic with my parents... nor will I. Having said that, this particular topic has been great fun with playmates.

[Speed & Trixie 163]

My very wise mother said something to me many years ago, and it stuck with me. She said, "Trixie, there are some things mothers just don't want to know."

 

I'm thinking swinging, and my sex life in general, would fall into the "don't wanna know" category!

 

Trixie

[Dave_kat 227]

Dave has never come out to anyone at work about swinging, but he does get a laugh at challenging other's preconceived notions about things.

 

You ever heard someone stammer when they get asked to "define what monogamy is on an emotional level?"

 

It's just so easy to point out that "window shopping" is emotional adultery, and yet noone gets raked over the coals for looking at someone else (well, for the most part anyway).

 

Point is, if you challenge the preconceived notions, those gossips generally shut up once they realize they have no moral ground to even stand on even talking about what someone else does when they do it themselves.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We are with LizandTom...

 

BUT, our personal experience is much, much more complex. And our current position is based upon our being confronted, also by a family member...

 

Perhaps we can draft a succinct response explaining our experience...

 

Whether as a response to this thread, or a new thread of it's own, I think sharing with others how you handled being confronted would be very helpful to many.

[Swingercast 91]

(*tongue firmly in cheek*)

 

What you should do is get yourselves about a dozen Pineapple Flags.

 

Pineapple Thread

[Chitowndk4u 32]

I think you handled it the right way. We have done some things in the lifestyle, but I wouldn't say we are swingers full on. (Though I'd like to be)

 

I really wouldn't care if my family found out.

 

Hers on the other hand is a different story, she would be humiliated.

 

Her mom wouldn't approve and her sister would freak out. (even though she isn't faithful to anyone she is with)

 

It seems that some people who are freaked out by the idea of swinging have no problem cheating on someone.

 

Do you man and forget what someone has to say as it is none of their business anyway.

[cocpl2007 170]

Ok, here goes (and I apologize up front for the length, I DID try to be concise):

 

My situation, then how it evolved into “our” situation

 

DW and I have been married 7 years. We both have been around the block, so to speak, in the marriage and relationship game before we met. I had experience in the lifestyle, DW had been married to a cheater, and had that marriage end as a result. “He” fell in love with his high school “sweetheart” after being married to DW for 17 years. My Ex (J) fell in love with one of her (initially “our) playmates; divorced me; married him; divorced him; came back to me; we parted ways after a year-long reconciliation effort. She (J) and I had been involved in the lifestyle almost 5 years when our split occurred.

 

J told our adult children (DD & DS) of our prior involvement in the lifestyle. Neglecting much of the detail (thankfully) but presenting it as if “I” was a daemon for involving “us” in extra-marital play.

 

Funny, the only “extra-marital” play was J’s with the man (B) she was to fall for. That play did not start off as extra-marital. Our play with B… a bit of explanation. B and K were married. B was a service-man, stationed overseas. (K) was bi-sexual, she was unable to join him at his overseas post. (all this occurred well before the current mid-east conflict) K and B were allowing each other to play separately. J and I played with K several times, as a FMF. Several months into this B returned home, and joined us. K “announced” to B that she no longer was heterosexual, rather she had “discovered” that she was truly a lesbian, and no longer wanted to be married, nor in a relationship with a man. They split. J and I continued on, having MFM with B. Which evolved into J and B playing alone, of course with my full knowledge and consent… until!

 

Ok, sorry for the long background. Now down to the subject at hand, being outed by family. Very early in my relationship with DW I shared my past with her. Rather than being put off by this disclosure she was intrigued. Infidelity had been a very painful part of her past life too. Together we saw the lifestyle as a way to dealing with our humanity, not denying it. Being open and honest about our sexuality with each other. So, we ran an ad, found some playmates and engaged in some play.

 

Fast forward 2 years. J’s Grandmother passes away. DD goes to the family celebration of her life. DD and her family are now living next-door to us, and our lives are quite intertwined. J shows DD our ad! Upon DD’s return home, she promptly gets a little over-served and comes to our house and confronts us, in a very ugly fashion, about the ad… that saga continues.

[sexylady1970 69]

THIS OUGHT TO BE AN INTERESTING WEEKEND

 

Our son is having a birthday party this weekend (9) and along with his little friends we are having family over as well. It would be bad taste not to invite our lifestyle friends as well for a BBQ and swimming. Sister-in-law (stick up her ass) will of course be there. All of our lifestyle friends which amounts to about 75% of the adults who will be there know to be very vanilla that day. Hmmmmmm wonder is she will see through it? Update to follow I am sure!

[bicuriocpl 90]

make sure all your LS friends wear their pineapple t-shirts. When asked just say its a very exclusive club.

[sexylady1970 69]

make sure all your LS friends wear their pineapple t-shirts. When asked just say its a very exclusive club.

 

Cute idea! Not sure any of them would go for it though. LOL

[WildMiCouple 325]

All of our lifestyle friends which amounts to about 75% of the adults who will be there know to be very vanilla that day. Hmmmmmm wonder is she will see through it?

She won't have a clue. I'm sure she thinks those of us in the lifestyle are deviants and the scum of the earth. But those that she meets will be outgoing, fun, and enjoyable to be around I'm betting she'd be horrified later to find out the folks she met were swingers

 

Have a great party and don't worry a bit about S-I-L

 

Brett

[ratimadan 75]

People who have not been in, or, experienced the swinging lifestyle, simply show their ignorance when they assume that for a married couple to exchange partners and have sexual intercourse with someone other one's own spouse is sinful. It is futile to make an effort to change the opinion of people who are ignorant and of closed mind. It's a waste of one's valuable time. People with this attitude almost certainly are insecure about their own relationships.

 

I would simply let your sister-in-law wallow in her own ignorance. There is no need' as far as we can see, to justify what you do and don't do with your and your wife's private lives, and that includes who you may socialize with and have sex with.

[sexylady1970 69]

PARTY WAS YESTERDAY.....UPDATE

 

Okay so here is the lowdown......All of the lifestyle friends are at the house including those with little kiddies. BBQ is going, kids running around, and friends being vanilla. Some watching the game, others just chatting and drinking sodas or a little beer. In walks "stick up the ass sister in law" with her husband and kids. Not much other than a few pleasantries and some snacking on foods.

 

Somewhere during the course of the day one of the female members of our friends comes over to the mrs and I telling us that sister in law asked for her number since they are neighbors and would like to get together for an evening. LOL She apparently told her to get her number from the mrs. Good move on her part.

 

Later in the day I was talking with sis in law and mentioned that I heard she asked for her number so they could go out. She replied....yes, they are so nice and we are neighbors so we figured we could get together sometime. I told her that is great and I was glad you liked them since they are nice people and alot of fun to be around. The party ended and everyone went home.

 

Thinking to myself as I am saying goodbye, wouldn't it have been a trip to tell her something like......Oh yeah, they are great fun to go out with and even more fun to have sex with!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Quote

Thinking to myself as I am saying goodbye, wouldn't it have been a trip to tell her something like......Oh yeah, they are great fun to go out with and even more fun to have sex with!

Don't ever do that, even if you want to

[sexylady1970 69]

Wasn't going to but it would have been something to see.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Glad your party was a success

[WildMiCouple 325]

sexylady1970 said:

Later in the day I was talking with sis in law and mentioned that I heard she asked for her number so they could go out. She replied....yes, they are so nice and we are neighbors so we figured we could get together sometime. I told her that is great and I was glad you liked them since they are nice people and a lot of fun to be around.

Saw that coming.

[lott 38]

PARTY WAS YESTERDAY.....UPDATE

 

Okay so here is the lowdown......All of the lifestyle friends are at the house including those with little kiddies. BBQ is going, kids running around, and friends being vanilla. Some watching the game, others just chatting and drinking sodas or a little beer. In walks "stick up the ass sister in law" with her husband and kids. Not much other than a few pleasantries and some snacking on foods.

 

Somewhere during the course of the day one of the female members of our friends comes over to the mrs and I telling us that sister in law asked for her number since they are neighbors and would like to get together for an evening. LOL She apparently told her to get her number from the mrs. Good move on her part.

 

Later in the day I was talking with sis in law and mentioned that I heard she asked for her number so they could go out. She replied....yes, they are so nice and we are neighbors so we figured we could get together sometime. I told her that is great and I was glad you liked them since they are nice people and alot of fun to be around. The party ended and everyone went home.

 

Thinking to myself as I am saying goodbye, wouldn't it have been a trip to tell her something like......Oh yeah, they are great fun to go out with and even more fun to have sex with!

 

Maybe I'm paranoid but if your sister in law is malicious like she sounds, I think she asked for the number so she can be nosy and find out if they were swingers and who else at the party were swingers or maybe to gossip about you and find out more. She will just do it in a friendly way by becoming a friend to the female, act like she wants to know about swinging, and then actually have something to talk about as it pertains to you as far as where you frequent and who you hang with. She will love to have someone to blame for the "problems in the world". Misery loves company.

 

 

I think if you don't want to be the talk of the town make sure that your swinger friends are aware of the type of person she is and how to react to her manipulative ways. It will save all of you from stress.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

lott said:

I think if you don't want to be the talk of the town make sure that your swinger friends are aware of the type of person she is and how to react to her manipulative ways. It will save all of you from stress.

 

I agree there. Call me Paranoid too.

[VanHlebar 187]

She won't have a clue. I'm sure she thinks those of us in the lifestyle are deviants and the scum of the earth. But those that she meets will be outgoing, fun, and enjoyable to be around I'm betting she'd be horrified later to find out the folks she met were swingers

Brett

 

How so true this is! We have a male friend (vanilla) that nows about us being in the lifestyle and we invite him regularly to our pool, christmas, 4th of July parties. Every time he is with us we watch him and we can see the wheels turning in his mind. He has only come out once and asked me if a particular couple where playmates of ours and I just said to him no. At that time this was true, however that is quickly changing and it is only a matter of time, but he will never know that.

 

-Van

[sweet_tna 680]

If I were Mrs. Sexy, I would keep forgetting to give SIL that phone number. I too, would be suspicious of the motives behind that request.

 

My sister found out about us not long ago. She'd been hinting around at stuff, asking if I'd ever done this or that, when she knows darned well I only had one sex partner before Mr. Sweet. I dodged the questions as best I could, but I am a lousy liar. So when she asked me straight out whether we were swingers, I told her the truth. She seemed relieved, because she wanted someone to talk to, as she had already cheated on her husband of barely four months. I made a point of reminding her that Mr. Sweet and I aren't cheating, blah blah blah.

 

Well, as her marriage began to crumble a few months later, she got mad at me for not holding her hand and taking her "side"--I told her I was staying the hell out of it. She, in turn, outs us to my mom.

 

Thankfully, my mom's response was, "I completely disapprove, but you're adults and it's your life, that's all I'm going to say about it."

 

So yeah, I'd watch my back with SIL.

 

=)