I don't know why my wife is doing these things

[creyzcouplewv 15]

Hey you all, I need your opinions. Okay let me start this tale from the beginning.

 

Me and the mrs. have been swinging for going on three years now. We always debated which was better, longer or thicker. She said longer, I said thicker. Anyway, after all this time about two months ago we finally hooked up with a much longer and much thicker person then myself. I am no slouch btw. So anyway as this twisted tale goes, we played with the person and she absolutely loved it. One of the best orgasms she ever had, so she said.

 

Well since then me and her have not been active sexually. First it was that she hurt from the playing with mr. x, then it was that time of the month so forth and so on. Well, I just let it slide. Anyway, recently I was digging for the keys to her car, and I discovered some new condoms in her purse, way too large for me to use .

 

So I asked her why she had bought condoms as I am usually the one that buys them. She replied that she was just trying to be safe in case we went playing again. So of course being the trusting husband I am I was like cool. Then later that week while she was in the shower her cellphone rang. I answered and it was mister x. Once he heard my voice he hung up. I then proceeded to check her recent calls and found not only had she received several calls from mister x but other men that I found were on our swinger sites. All of whom were well endowed.

 

So I confronted her about these calls and she calmly replied that she didn't know what I was so upset about and that she was trying to set us up with another play time in the future. So I begrudgingly let it slide. Then the dagger, I came home from work yesterday, I work an odd schedule, and she was laying in bed naked and said that she was hot and was taking a nap. So I was like, maybe I will get lucky today. So I went to the bathroom to get cleaned up and use the john. While I was in the bathroom I found three of those large condoms used in the trash can.

 

So I went back to the bedroom and confronted her. She told me that it wasn't that she didn't love me anymore and we would talk about it later. Well we still haven't. And we still haven't had sex either

 

I think we may have a problem, but she acts like nothing is wrong.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

She told me that it was that she didn't love me anymore and we would talk about it later. Well we still haven't. And we still haven't had sex either I think we may have a problem, but she acts like nothing is wrong.

 

You THINK you may have a problem? Um, try DO have a problem.

 

First, I wouldn't equate her having sex with well endowed men with the problems you have in your marriage. It sounds more to me like she fell in love with Mr.X, and out of love with you. Mr.X. obviously knows too.

 

Your situation may be different. But, in the case of my wife and I, if this happened; First, Mr. X. would be gone permanently. Second, swinging is over for the foreseeable future. Third, open honesty in everything. Those are basic requirements to work on the relationship. If my wife was not willing to abide by those things, then other actions are probably warranted.

 

I trust my wife implicitly. That includes trusting that she knows when she is starting to fall for someone. Neither of us are newbies when it comes to relationships, so we have some idea when things are beginning to happen in the emotions category. If I couldn't trust my wife to know where she was emotionally, I couldn't trust her to swing. Since I can and do trust her, I'd be comfortable with her playing solo with someone we knew and trusted, and I wouldn't have a problem with that guy calling and wanting to talk to her. If he hung up on me, he'd be out of the picture, cold turkey quit. If he can't be comfortable talking to me, he's not going to have sex with my wife.

 

You have some choices in front of you. So does your wife. Regardless, Mr. X needs to be gone, pronto, and permanently.

[LFM2 1,482]

Well since then me and her have not been active sexually. First it was that she hurt from the playing with mr. x, then it was that time of the month so forth and so on. Well, I just let it slide.

 

Wow... There are so many red flags in your post that I lost count. You two need to reconnect with each other before you even think about swinging again. Swinging is a way to enhance your sex life, not replace it. I think you already know this though since you've already been swinging for a few years.

 

Quit swinging immediately. Don't let this slide. There is obviously something wrong with her feelings and I don't feel she's being honest with you about them. Did she ever let "that time of the month" interfere before with sex? If something seems or feels wacky, it usually is.

 

 

 

Anyway recently I discovered some new condoms in her purse, way too large for me to use . I was digging for the keys to her car. So I asked her why she had bought condoms as I am usually the one that buys tham. She replied that she was just trying to be safe in case we went playing again. So of course being the trusting husband I am I was like cool.

... If this event felt wrong, it's because it was. Does she usually carry condoms in her purse for that "just in case" time? Do you usually spontaneously meet males for threesomes on a whim or do you usually plan these events? Does she usually buy the condoms? If not, then something other than, "I was trying to be safe in case..." was happening here. The job of condom buying is up to my husband, and really, we only buy for ourselves. We don't buy condoms that don't fit. Others usually bring their own.

 

Then later that week while she was in the shower her cellphone rang. I answered and it was mister x. once he heard my voice he hung up. I then proceed to check her recent calls and found not only had she recieved several calls from mister x but other men that I found were on our swinger sites. All of whom were well endowed. So I confronted her about these calls and she calmly replied that she didn't know what I was so upset about and that she was trying to set us up with another play time in the future. So I begrudgingly let it slide.

Don't you set things up together? I mean some couples don't, but we do. We discuss everything together before plans are made. I'm seeing a total lack of respect on her part regarding you. If what she says is true, there's no respect for what YOU want to have happen. She is very concerned about what she wants, however. Does sex really mean this much to her? She's willing to risk her marriage for sex? I'd be questioning the trust I'd be having as well. You might want to trust her, but does she really think you're that naive?

 

Then the dagger, I came home from work yesterday, I work and odd schedule, and she was laying in bed naked and said that she was hot and was taking a nap. So I was like, maybe I will get lucky today. So I went to the bathroom to get cleaned up and use the john. While I was in the bathroom I found three of those large condoms used in the trash can. So I went back to the bedroom and confronted her. She told me that it was that she didn't love me anymore and we would talk about it later. Well we still haven't. And we still haven't had sex either I think we may have a problem, but she acts like nothing is wrong.

Sounds like maybe marriage counseling is in order too, because NOW, she's cheated on you. You both need to sit at the kitchen table and talk NOW because you DO have a problem! Putting this off is not helping your marriage. Maybe in hopes of putting it off she's hoping this will all go away. Also, maybe in her mind, she didn't do anything wrong, but really, deep down, you know this isn't swinging. She's crossed a line and you two need to find a way to get it back on track. You have no idea how much I wish for the two of you to get your marriage back on track. You need to find out why she's doing what she's doing. Deception has no place in swinging or in a marriage.

 

Good luck to you both and a belated Welcome to the Board. You'll find quite a few people here who give great advice as there are years and years of swinging experience here.

[creyzcouplewv 15]

Thanks all for the advice so far and I agree some what and disagree somewhat as well. Two things that red flag for me as to her being in love with him. Make that three.

 

1. We have swung before and she never showed any interest in straying before.

 

2. We have always been very sexually active, even up to just before mr. x.

 

3. Why is she checking out all the well endowed guys on our site?

 

Now I know we need help, but my point of confusion is (why all the large guy fixation) by her. And, I can't prove that mr. x was the one that was there.

[TNT 1,155]

I'm a bit confused here

 

You make this statement...

 

She told me that it was that she didn't love me anymore and we would talk about it later. Well we still haven't. And we still haven't had sex either I think we may have a problem, but she acts like nothing is wrong.

 

Yet, the following statement is what you are confused about/have a problem with?

 

 

Now I know we need help, but my point of confusion is (why all the large guy fixation) by her. And, I can't prove that mr. x was the one that was there.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd be more concerned about why my wife didn't want to talk to me, why we hadn't been having sex and why she said she wasn't in love with me anymore...much more so than I would be concerned about why she seems to have a fixation with large dicks.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

A woman doesn't fall out of love because she has found a man with a bigger cock.

 

I don't see this story as a swinger problem per se, it's a description of a marriage in trouble. Even if you had never been involved in swinging, she'd likely have told you she has lost her love for you, for whatever reasons.

 

Since she acts like nothing is wrong it may be because she may have been mentally going through the emotional process of ending your marriage for a long while, maybe the past year or more, and she has now come to a settled decision.

 

Whether a couple is in a vanilla or swinger marriage, when a spouse tells you they no longer love you, it's time to find out why s/he feels that way. You might have some ideas why your wife feels the way she does, or you may not. Let her know it's time to talk about her feelings.

 

She may not love this other man either. You can tell her not to see him, but I don't think that will do much good because if she wants to, she will. You can only ask her not to, so that you both can have time to sort out what your issues are and how you are going to proceed.

 

I could tell you that swinging in your situation would not be smart, but I think you probably know that.

 

Good luck and welcome to the Board.

[lustylearning 705]

Clearly there is a problem if your wife doesn't love you anymore. Your marriage is in trouble. Thing is, getting involved with other men outside of your mutually set boundaries is a symptom, not the underlying problem. A bigger cock doesn't threaten a solid marriage, neither does someone better looking or funnier or whatever, unless someone in the marriage is unsatisfied to begin with. If you want your marriage to last, counseling may be in order.

[it'sso 198]

If this is the real deal, the only thing that I can advise is that we all have memories of that one unique chick who could only take half of some guy's big cock. If I were the complainer, I'd be looking up her number and let my lady know that I planned to "set up" some playtime for "us" with her.

[N8ture Girl 318]

The way I see it, is that the marriage was likely in trouble long before the big cock guy came into the picture. And the husband was likely unaware or in denial that there was a problem and only truly came to light after the big cock guy and the wife all played. She has now found something that excites her which just happens to be guys with big cocks. And this probably would have happened regardless, it could have been anything that drew her out of her unhappiness. No she didn’t fall out of love with you over a big cock, it was just coincidental that the guy came along and now she is not in love with you anymore. There has to be something that is lacking in your relationship, and she has found it elsewhere. I am NOT saying your inadequate at all, but in a marriage where one is unhappy they seek happiness elsewhere (sometimes subconsciously) , and that could be in any form like cheating to just talking with someone who brings you comfort or sympathizes with your situation. In your case she is seeking happiness from guys with big cocks and its probably not the size that is the real draw for her but the guy himself…..

 

This is likely filling a void for her in some respect. While I don’t condone cheating, some in an unhappy relationship are in denial that their relationship is a failure and find it easier to cheat or seek happiness elsewhere instead of facing their SO with I don’t want to be with you anymore. Like someone else said above the wife is avoiding talking with the hubby cause she is hoping it will all go away and you will forget it, and she is afraid to make it known that she is unhappy in the relationship. You both need to sit down and talk. If she cant or wont, then I would leave her. That puts the ball in her court, if she wants to work it out she will come to you, if not then you have your answer that the relationship is over.

 

Best of luck to you.

[creyzcouplewv 15]

Okay we finally did talk. But first let me clear up some stuff.

 

I think is pretty much obvious I know we have a problem. Secondly. her fixation. It will be explained a bit more in the text. Not that I agree, think, or know it to be true or false, but how it was explained to me.

 

Now when we talked she said (which does not make it fact) that she did indeed have a great orgasm with me and him. In truth it was the best she has had. Now being the normally shy girl that she (except sexually, then she is very bold) is she held a lot back from me as to try and not hurt my feelings.

 

Now if any of you have ever been with a new partner for the first time, it usually isn't a great experience...anywhere from bad to just ok. She felt guilty about that and couldn't bring herself to be intimate with me while she felt she had betrayed me. So in her way of think she needed to prove to herself that it wasn't him that made her have this tremendous orgasm. So her plan was simple, she wanted to get together with him or another well endowed guy (all the other well endowed guys she and been looking up) one on one and see for herself. Thus the condoms as well.

 

She did indeed get together with him again and they did indeed play again. But, she found that it was not a good for her as the time me, her and he played together (to her relief). She said she was sorry and should have trusted me with her thoughts, but she was afraid I would be upset. She also thought that if she could do this without my knowledge no harm, no foul. Alas she should have told me. And she should have trusted me to understand.

 

Now a lot of you will think that this was a lame excuse and I agree but I do see her point of view. So all in all I see what she thought was a good idea that was executed poorly. I believe she should have told me her feelings and trusted me to handle it. Then we could have worked together to allow her to find out one way or another. Also she would have found out that I wouldn't have been upset by her having a better orgasm, but indeed happy as playing in the lifestyle is about exploring new sexually experience for us. And if it leads to better sex, why the heck not?

 

Yes we have talked about stepping away from the lifestyle for a bit to get straight. And just fyi, we made love last night and it was very fulfilling for both of us. I think she was glad to finally get things off her chest. Because, honestly how do you tell the one you love "Dear, I had the best orgasm ever with that guy we were playing with last night"? I don't know.

 

Again I do not agree with her approach but I do understand to some extent which still doesn't make it okay.

 

Thank you all for your advice and getting me to ask the right questions of her. You have all been a real help.

[JustMrJ 178]

Open and Honest communication at all times by both parties!!!

 

This is the vital component that seems to have broken down here. Take a break from swinging and get your communication sorted out.

 

Good luck!

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

... she said (which does not make it fact) that she did indeed have a great orgasm with me and him. In truth it was the best she has had. Now being the normally shy girl that she (except sexually, then she is very bold) is she held a lot back from me as to try and not hurt my feelings. Now if any of you have ever been with a new partner for the first time, it usually isn't a great experience. anywhere from bad to just ok. She felt guilty about that and couldn't bring herself to be intimate with me while she felt she had betrayed me. So in her way of think she needed to prove to herself that it wasn't him that made her have this tremendous orgasm.

 

This strikes me as a person who is confused, uncertain of what she felt, how she felt it, why, and is looking for answers. So far, nothing seriously bad here. Feeling guilty about it is a bit of a problem, but that's workable. I don't think my wife has ever felt guilty, and if she did I would certainly talk with her at length about it to make it clear (again, and again, and again) that I want her to have a good time and it doesn't bother me in the slightest if she has great orgasms (to me, that's a goal regardless of who is helping her get there).

 

 

But this...this is where she went bad:

 

So her plan was simple, she wanted to get together with him or another well endowed guy (all the other well endowed guys she and been looking up) one on one and see for herself. thus the condoms as well. She did indeed get together with him again and they did indeed play again. But, she found that it was not a good for her as the time me, her and he played together(to her relief). She said she was sorry and should have trusted me with her thoughts, but she was afraid I would be upset. She also thought that if she could do this without my knowledge no harm, no foul. Alas she should have told me. And she should have trusted me to understand.

 

Yes, she should have trusted you with her thoughts. She was incredibly stupid for cheating on you when the two of you could have worked TOGETHER on this and gain even more closeness from it. Seriously bad move on her part from a variety of perspectives. Then to further lie about it to try and cover it up...

 

Sorry, but she blew it big time. No swinging at all at least until the two of you work out your relationships problems and the problems are WELL in the past.

 

Now a lot of you will think that this was a lame excuse and I agree but I do see her point of view. So all in all I see what she thought was a good idea that was executed poorly.

 

No, more like a bad idea with a foregone conclusion that execution would go wrong. She blew it once she decided not to talk with you about it, and just went downhill from there. Am I being critical? Absolutely. But, I hope she reads this. Even if the two of you never swing again, to have a healthy relationship she has got to treat you with more respect and trust than that.

 

Yes we have talked about stepping away from the lifestyle for a bit to get straight.

 

A bit? You're not in a position to swing right now. You've got some major things to get through on your relationship. If we had played with you and found out about this situation as we have seen written here, we wouldn't play with you again for at least a year. We respect your relationship too much to allow us to ever do that. We swing with the understanding that, among many other things, we're adding something to another couple's relationship, not causing harm. If we think there's the potential for harm, we won't play.

 

And just fyi, we made love last night and it was very fulfilling for both of us. I think she was glad to finally get things off her chest.

 

I remember a long time ago when a then fiance of mine decided to end the engagement. I think we both knew it was coming, but she was the first to say anything. It was a tremendous relief to remove the pressure of getting married. That very night, we had mind blowing sex. Very kinky, intensely hot, long, and incredibly erotic. Absolutely amazing sex. The pressures had melted away, and we were back to being each other.

 

Don't equate the fallout of pressure removal as being everything is hunky dory, nothing to worry about, that's settled. It's GREAT you had such a fulfilling time with your wife. It doesn't mean everything's fixed. Far from it.

 

Because, honestly how do you tell the one you love "Dear, I had the best orgasm ever with that guy we were playing with last night"? I don't know.

 

My wife doesn't always feel like she's a perfect fit for swinging. She enjoys it, but doubts herself sometimes. She recognizes it for what it is; social programming getting in the way. She herself enjoys it and doesn't have an issue with it at all. But, I still frequently voice support for her in having sex with other men, encourage her, and let her know that I really really really really want her to have a good time. Early on, she had a hard time wrapping her head around the idea that I would enjoy watching her have sex with other men. She accepts it now, but it took a long time for her to understand I really would enjoy it. She only has sex with other men because she wants to, not because I want her to, but she gains pleasure knowing I'm happy about it.

 

She knows very well that if she had a mind blowing, best-ever orgasm with another guy that I would be happy about it. She also knows that I would be signing that guy to a multi-year contract with performance incentives

 

Even with all of that, she still might feel a bit guilty, so I can understand your wife feeling that way. It's not her thoughts that were wrong. It was the action she took to try to sort out those thoughts. She blew it, and in a major, major way.

 

That doesn't make her a bad person! But, the two of you both have a lot of work in front of you.

 

Again I do not agree with her approach but I do understand to some extent which still doesn't make it okay. Thank you all for your advice and getting me to ask the right questions of her. You have all been a real help.

 

You're always welcome here, and we're happy to help.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Communication - you needs it, you don't have it, but you're working on it. That's a step in the right direction. I would agree with your suggestion that you take a step away from all swinging (and playing outside of your marriage) until this has been dealt with. If either of you does not feel that you can tell the other one EVERYTHING at any time, then you don't have the communication level that you need in order to be swinging.

 

It shows a lot that you were able to take her explanation and accept and try to work through it. I hope that she is being honest and that you can now do so.

[Chicup 42]

So she went off, behind your back to have sex with the same guy OR a stranger just to see if a big cock was really that much better?

 

Let's turn this around.

 

'Honey, I just didn't want to hurt you, but I had to know if there was something about big breasts, I felt so guilty for liking sex with her more that I contacted another woman with giant breasts and we had sex. I should have told you but I was so embarrassed, and I found out it really wasn't that good!'

 

I know that would go over like a lead balloon.

[ktimephoenix 156]

She felt guilty about that and couldn't bring herself to be intimate with me

 

She said she was sorry and should have trusted me with her thoughts, but she was afraid I would be upset.

 

Because, honestly how do you tell the one you love "Dear, I had the best orgasm ever with that guy we were playing with last night"?

 

She feels guilty about having fun with a new lover?

 

She thought you'd be upset because she had fun with her new lover?

 

But she didn't think you'd be upset with her cheating? And didn't feel guilty about cheating?

 

And i really would love to hear Mrs Indecent say that... we're not in this lifestyle to have mediocre sex.

[Additude 457]

I've got a feeling this isn’t over.

 

Dude -

 

I could only consider anyone concocting (no phun intended) a situation and story like this if they really thought they could convince you and get away with it.

 

I think there is a lot more to this story that's not out in the open yet. I think there is a lot you don't know. I think what your wife told you was nothing more than a made up cover story. It took her a few days of thought to formulate her response and get a "believable" story together to tell you.

 

I don't think this is the first time she has cheated on you. I think she's done it before, only this time she can conceal it under the guise of "Swinging".

 

Like maybe it was 3 guys with big cocks at one time? Or one then an hour later the other... you did find 3 condoms in the trashcan.....

 

If you want to prevent this from happening in the future, you need to put your radar up and not just take it as she explained it and forget/forgive it. You need to investigate this and keep a very sharp focus on it.

 

It is going to happen again. And I suspect sooner rather than later.

[it'sso 198]

I've got a feeling this isn’t over.

 

Dude -

 

I could only consider anyone concocting (no phun intended) a situation and story like this if they really thought they could convince you and get away with it.

 

I think there is a lot more to this story that's not out in the open yet. I think there is a lot you don't know. I think what your wife told you was nothing more than a made up cover story. It took her a few days of thought to formulate her response and get a "believable" story together to tell you.

 

I don't think this is the first time she has cheated on you. I think she's done it before, only this time she can conceal it under the guise of "Swinging".

 

Like maybe it was 3 guys with big cocks at one time? Or one then an hour later the other... you did find 3 condoms in the trashcan.....

 

If you want to prevent this from happening in the future, you need to put your radar up and not just take it as she explained it and forget/forgive it. You need to investigate this and keep a very sharp focus on it.

 

It is going to happen again. And I suspect sooner rather than later.

 

You're kidding, right? If the scenario you painted is the "real one", There's no way he's going to get it to stop. The brand of cheating you describe is only alleviated by separation.

[lovinher 505]

I do agree though that there is more to the story and that this isn't over by a long shot.

[IvoryTowers 380]

So in her way of think she needed to prove to herself that it wasn't him that made her have this tremendous orgasm. So her plan was simple, she wanted to get together with him or another well endowed guy (all the other well endowed guys she and been looking up) one on one and see for herself....She said she was sorry and should have trusted me with her thoughts, but she was afraid I would be upset. She also thought that if she could do this without my knowledge no harm, no foul. Alas she should have told me. And she should have trusted me to understand. Now alot of you will think that this was a lame excuse and I agree but I do see her point of view.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see her point of view at all. The excuse is beyond lame, it's a huge red flag.

 

Let me restate this. She had a great time with a guy, and felt so guilty about it that she couldn't have sex with you until she secretly slept with him again to "prove" that it wasn't the size of his penis that made her see stars. And after she found that he wasn't as good the second time around she was willing to tell you and explain that she figured if you never found out it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

Ummmmm, there are at least three things here that show she isn't being honest about her feelings or actions with you. Huge red flags!

[Additude 457]

You're kidding' date=' right? If the scenario you painted is the "real one", There's no way he's going to get it to stop. The brand of cheating you describe is only alleviated by separation.[/quote']

 

Kidding? You suggest I'm jesting? You propose I have nothing better to do with my time than to waste it on pervious responses to this forum?

 

Allow me to clarify, it's quite the opposite, I assure you. I feel my response is consonant to my previous experiences for a number of reasons, including having profiled this scenario before.

 

I stand by my assertion for good reason, and in behalf of the OP, it provides them a different approach of thought to consider, whether it turns out to be true, a derivative or not even palpable, it is a realistic possibility given the facts as described and therefore worthy of consideration, even if not by you, Mr. MOO.

[it'sso 198]

"Additude"

I was just being facetious when suggesting you were "kidding". I fully agree with your suspicions and still contend that if he can't live with it, he will have to dump her because she isn't the least bit concerned with his feelings in regard to the matter.