Swinging is Not For Everyone

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

We say this often enough around here and it got me wondering.... How / When did you know it was right for you?

 

If you haven't made the decision yet that it is right for you, what is keeping you from feeling that it is right for you? Or what has made you decide it's not right for you (if you've made that decision)?

[NealnAnji 30]

We had heard and read about couples swapping mates for sexual activities, intercourse included. We discussed what it would be like to play with another couple to satisfy our sexual desires for the sake of variety. We wanted to experience sexual intercourse with a different partner/s, someone other than own spouse.

 

We had no hangups about enjoying sex between the two of us or with another partner so long as we were truthful to each other and played as a couple.

 

Once we both agreed that it would be OK to give swinging a try and swap partners with another couple for sexual activities that may include vaginal intercourse with the other couple's wife/hubby, we decided to give it a try when thee opportunity presented itself.

 

The rest is history. We met another couple on a vacation, who invited us to their room for drinks. There was a jacuzzi and they inivited us to join in fully nude. Before we knew it we were playing with each other's mate. The play led to foreplay culminating in having intercourse with each other's partner. Both of us thoroughly enjoyed the unplanned sexual encounter with the couple.

 

This first foray convinced that swinging was the right choice for us in order to enjoy sex in all its variety including the many ways foreplay and intercourse can be done with another partner so long as you choose the couple/s with discretion. We have never had second thoughts about the decision we made to enjoy swinging.

[CXXC 435]

I'm surprised this post didnt get more attention!

 

Mrs. CXXC and I realized, after much thought and deliberation that it only made sense to join the SL. We both love sex. We are both very friendly and outgoing. We both LOVE to be with other women. She has many fantasies about being with other men as I do with women. After all my research and the statistical evidence was gathered, we KNEW it was time to shed the old ideas and just let ourselves enjoy!

[slevin 1,374]

I think we knew it might be for us after our first time with another couple. We left and were driving away in the car and both exclaimed how awesome it was and that we couldn't wait to do it again. Then we knew for sure maybe 6 months later when we had a few more good experiences and met a couple we had a ton of fun with. That spread of time allowed us both to get comfortable with the idea, grow into the open communication and reaffirm the trust we had in each other.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I'll second that -- I think we were really sure after our first experience, which was almost unbelievably good. We got in our car to go home, and Mr. Fuse turned to me and said "Well, honey, we're swingers!" with this huge grin on his face.

 

I think on an abstract level, we knew swinging could be for us when we realized we believe our marriage is held together by things other than sexual exclusivity. Our marriage bond is based on so many other, more vital things, and we realized that sex with others wouldn't threaten our relationship. When we became aware that it was something we could do together... wow. A whole world of possibilities opened up.

 

We were a little afraid of feeling jealous, so that's why I say we were sure after our first experience. But even beforehand, we knew we had made a big mental leap-- and we were so excited by the possibility that we just felt this mindset was a part of who we were.

[lookingfornow 116]

What a wonderful question!

 

Like other posters, I do not think that we "knew" that swinging was "right" for us until after we had at least one experience under our belt--and, actually, we probably did not know it or think it until after the second experience. Fortunately we had a couple of reasonably good experiences out of the box.

 

Also, I think we constantly re-evaluate whether swinging continues to be "right" for us. So, the best I can say is that it is right for us now (or, at least, the last time we played).

 

Since then, we have had a couple of not so good experiences along with several other really good experiences. I sometimes wonder, had our first two experiences been of the "not so good" variety, would we have continued on?

[CXXC 435]

It is interesting that one really does not know for certain if the lifestyle is for them until AFTER they have had an experience. After the intial trial period, swinging is much like macadamia nuts. You eaither like them or you don't. I have never heard anyone say that they can take them or leave them.

[VanHlebar 187]

We talked about it for a bit and then decided that we where "ok" with the idea of swinging as a whole. Like most others have posted, we didn't really know for sure that it was for us until after we had a few play dates.

 

I think it might have been Chicup who once posted a comment in a thread a long time ago that said something like "you never know how you are going to react until you see your wife's ankles in the air for someone else", and I think it is very true.You can talk until you are out of breath, but until you actually experience a situation, you just can't really know how you are going to react.

 

Like others, we do continually evaluate if this is still right for us and when and if that time comes that it isn't right for us, we will stop.

 

-Van

[ktimephoenix 156]

we both were interested in swinging in previous relationships, but our respective S.O's weren't, so it was something that was on the table/discussed before we'd even become a "monogomous couple"... (we were friends with benefits for a few months before becoming "official).

 

i think we knew it was for us the first time we discussed it, and got so horny that we had to have rampant sex then and there before finishing the conversation.

 

i think we "knew" it'd fit us before we played... but we still went through the motions of "we won't let this affect us, if it turns out bad, we'll put it behind us" on the way to our first party... lets just say, within 20 minutes we were naked in the spa, and were in the group play room before the night was out!

[NCfuncouple98 367]

I'm surprised this post didnt get more attention!

 

 

I saw it last night but wanted to think about it.

 

I think, like many others, we really knew once we had the first experience. We had been talking about it for months, had been on here for a while, but all the talk in the world does not prepare you for how you truly will react seeing your partner having sex with someone else.

 

But after our first experience, which I did post here about, we smiled for days, maybe weeks.

 

I also think that due to society "norms", I also personally dealt with "is this really ok?", and my other biggest concern was "Can Mr NC really handle it? What if I really enjoy myself, will he really be ok with it then?"

 

So we had to jump in and test the waters to truly know if we could be swingers. We did, and we are.

 

Mrs. NC

[CXXC 435]

 

But after our first experience, which I did post here about, we smiled for days, maybe weeks.

 

I also think that due to society "norms", I also personally dealt with "is this really ok

 

MRs. NC

 

Pardon the paraphrase but you mirrored what Mrs. CXXC and I have and still do! We walk around looking at the world with a different view. We feel we have a secret. Even better, we feel like we have discovered the fountain of youth or somehting and no one else knows aobut it! It makes us giggle like elementary school kids again.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

I think it might have been Chicup who once posted a comment in a thread a long time ago that said something like "you never know how you are going to react until you see your wife's ankles in the air for someone else", and I think it is very true.

Chicup says many memorable things and I do remember this one.

 

I knew swinging was right for us when I first saw JoAnn enjoying herself with a man. She knew when she first saw me enjoying myself with a woman. Yes, happened on the same evening.

 

~Michael

[SpyBunny 37]

I knew I didn't want to be a swinger when my husband first asked about it, and I'm still hold that feeling. Here's the background-

 

H and I will have our 20th anniversary next month but I'm not sure we'll make it to 21. We nearly got divorced about 7 years ago- H felt like he was of a father figure in our marriage and wanted a more "equal partner". I had no idea that he was feeling that way, and it sent me reeling. I was a stay at home mom at the time, and I panicked about the kids and income if we divorced. I started Indiv Counseling and went on Paxil after this- H thought I needed to work on self-esteem issues, plus I had some bad anxiety from the D threat. I stayed on it longer than I needed to because H thought it was helping my "social anxiety". We tried some Marriage Counseling but H thought that the counselor was a crock. Looking back on it now- I was jumping through all the hoops that H wanted to make sure he stayed- Medication being a big hoop. Another hoop- H wanted us to be swingers. He had nagged me about this for 2 or 3 years before the D threat, saying it was just sex, what's the big deal, why not a little variety? My first thought was I love YOU- I don't want someone else! I held onto that for a couple years.

 

During this period when I was feeling emotionally beat up (and on medication!), I finally gave up the fight about it and agreed to try it. I figured we would meet this couple, nothing would happen, we could say we tried and he'd be off my back about it. It didn't work out that way- full swap happened. I could see where the evenings activities were going, and I didn't see a way out. I didn't think NO was an option- H was so excited for this- I knew it would crush him if I backed out. So I drank a lot of goldschlaeger which helped numb things. After the activities were over, I ran to the bathroom and threw up- from the alcohol and the shock of what happened. After we got home, H was feeling "extremely close" to me (in contrast to my emotional sickness), and decided that was a good time to tell me about the one night stands he had while we were in the near-divorce period. All I could say was "Oh.." No screaming, no crying, just numb... A hell of a night.

 

There was no going back after that night. Up until that night, I thought I had been his one and only lover- now there were 4 (me, two one-night stands, and the swing partner). I tried going along with the swinger lifestyle over the last few years, but it made me miserable while it made him happy. It hurts me to see him with another woman, whereas he found it exciting to see me with another man. I didn't want other men, but tried to convince myself that this was something I could do. It didn't work- sometimes the other women could see that in my eyes- a couple of women even pointed it out to H, but he wanted me to keep trying.

 

(While this was going on, I went back to school, got a paralegal certificate to add to my bachelors degree and got a nice job as a paralegal at a law firm downtown. That helped my confidence more than anything.)

 

Over the last couple years, H wanted to branch out from swinging as a couple, to also include swinging separately. Again, I foolishly agreed. I met a couple of nice guys, and started having an EA with both of them. There were no secrets with them, they knew exactly what I was doing. One was even in a similar situation with his own wife. It made me realize what I missing with H- I hadn't realized it before then but I had been distancing myself from him emotionally as a way to deal with the swinging.

 

At this time, H felt that I was retreating into my "shell" again and thought i needed to start taking meds again. No one else in my life thought this- just him- not coworkers, friends, family. I see that he mistook my withdrawal from him specifically as withdrawal from life in general.

 

I started going back to IC in Feb to figure out what I want out of my marriage. Counselor agreed meds were not necessary for me. I can't keep going with the swinging- I told H that I was taking a break from it while i was going to IC. As a compromise, I told him he could f*** whoever he wanted in the meantime, just keep me out of it. I don't think he has, but I know he keeps checking profiles... he'll do it in front of me- he'll work on his laptop while we're sitting in bed. Recently I asked him which was more important to him- our marriage or the freedom to be a swinger. He said he couldn't answer that- he loves me, but he also loves "variety". The weird thing is that we have a good sex life as it is- 3 or 4 times a week. For me it's just sex at this point. The passion is gone from me- I can't kiss him, there is no non-sexual contact, and I just don't have much to say to him. I have really turned my emotions off when it comes to him.

 

Our son graduates HS at the end of May, and I'm holding off any further discussions about swinging until then. After that, I plan to give the ultimatum- me or swinging. But part of me doesn't want to give the ultimatum, and just leave. I don't trust that if he chooses the marriage that he won't erupt again in a few years with buried resentments about it. and I have a lot of resentments of my own right now. Is it so bad to want to keep sex between husband and wife? I thought that was special for us- now I know it's not special to him. His rationale: with others it's just sex, with me it's lovemaking. I can't accept that- I miss the bond we used to have and I'm not sure that it can be recovered, and if it can't- i want to move on. I don't want any drama before the graduation- this is our son's time to shine. Afterwards, this summer is gonna be rough. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open. In summary- I knew I wasn't a swinger from the get-go, and that's not changing.

 

I'm sorry this post is so long- Thank you for letting me put my thoughts are there. I've been exploring this site trying to understand where my husband is coming from- again, Thank you.

[Guest warrencouple]

Spybunny:

 

Take this from a (sort of) swinger newbie, your husband is dragging you into something that you don't want to do, didn't really want to try, and claiming he wants teh "variety." He's not in it for the two of you, he's in it for him.

 

Frankly, from the sound of it, you do have a good drive in you (you've gotten a bachelors and paralegal on your own wherewithal) to be what YOU want.

 

One thing I've learned from this site, and the people here, is this:

Swinging should be something BOTH people in a relationship want, and BOTH should agree on the limits, based on what the least comfortable person is willing to accept / do.

 

He's not "swinging," he's justifying cheating, even when you're there with him.

 

I'd say you need to seriously look at both yours and his relationship, and decide if this is what you want to stay with.

 

Yes, the relationship between a husband and wife needs and should be special.

Yes, some people can keep physical sex separate from love. You don't sound like you can, or at least not right now. That's NOT a bad thing, you should do what makes YOU happy.

 

My only suggestion to you, is to be yourself, and if he won't accept that, move on. While the job market right now is tight, go looking for a job, use the skills and abilities that you have.

 

OK, I think I'm starting to ramble, a bit, so I'm going to stop here.

 

Jason

 

PS. My wife has said pretty much the same thing, she doesn't want another man sexually. I accept this, and am not going to try to change this, because I want her to be happy. I've got her, which makes me happy. Why are we, then, contemplating anything to do with swinging? We like the idea of having sex (with each other!) while others can watch and hear. We may never include other people. She's the one who is less comfortable with this idea, so SHE sets the pace.

[ktimephoenix 156]

spybunny, you know yourself that this is an emotionally abusive relationship, and has been since before your swinging days, dump him, move on...

[JustMrJ 178]

I would have to agree this sounds like the hubby was cheating and just wanted to justify it. I think that there is a serious rift between you. This is the opposite of what a couple that thinks of Swinging should have as a relationship.

 

Proper Swinging, if I can coin the phrase, is BOTH halves of the couple agree and BOTH halves already have excellent communication and would BOTH like variety and new experiences.

 

I do hope you can solve your marriage issues one way or another, but I tend to lean towards ktimephoenix's response... dump this chump! (my opinion only, given the limited information)

 

Either way, you need to re-evaluate your relationship and what YOU want out of it. Talk about it with him and make sure he does NOT convince you that you are the problem. This is NOT true. It sounds like, pardon the phrase, the 'cheating bastard' needs a serious wake up call. (again, my opinion).

 

*HUGS* and good luck!

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

Is it so bad to want to keep sex between husband and wife?

 

Of course it isn't bad! It's perfectly fine and wonderful! This is sort of a turning the tables thing, but there's nothing wrong or immoral or defective in wanting to have sex only with your husband, and he with you.

 

Swinging isn't for everybody. In fact, it isn't for most people. It not being for you doesn't make you less of a person in any respect any more than you're less of a person for your eye color.

 

 

I thought that was special for us- now I know it's not special to him. His rationale: with others it's just sex, with me it's lovemaking. I can't accept that

 

And that's fine! Really!

 

- I miss the bond we used to have and I'm not sure that it can be recovered, and if it can't- i want to move on. I don't want any drama before the graduation- this is our son's time to shine. Afterwards, this summer is gonna be rough. If anyone has any thoughts, I'm open. In summary- I knew I wasn't a swinger from the get-go, and that's not changing.

 

I'm sorry this post is so long- Thank you for letting me put my thoughts are there. I've been exploring this site trying to understand where my husband is coming from- again, Thank you.

 

Sometimes it can be too easy to say "swinging isn't the problem", and it can seem like swingers are trying to cover up any perceived problems with swinging. Forgive me if the following comes of as that, as it's certainly not intended and I don't feel that way.

 

Swinging, in the way the two of you have been doing it, is a symptom. It's not the root cause of the problems in your marriage.

 

Looking at your post...

 

I see that your husband has cheated on you more than once. He did so (at least) at time when you were at a severe lowpoint in your life. That's utterly despicable. When you needed support most, when you needed him most, he was out fucking other women behind your back. That wasn't caused by swinging.

 

I see that your husband has been incredibly insensitive to your needs, and refusing to acknowledge that you do not want to swing. He's effectively forced you into it. The resulting experiences you have had have been miserable. No surprise. That wasn't caused by swinging.

 

I see that your husband has been pinning the problems in your marriage on you, without any consideration of his own role in those problems. That wasn't caused by swinging.

 

I see that your husband views marriage counseling, or at least the one counselor, as a crock. That wasn't caused by swinging.

 

I see that your husband made major demands upon you in order to 'save' your marriage. The demands were ridiculous, but you acquiesced to them. That wasn't caused by swinging.

 

I see that your husband has been incredibly selfish. He's blocked out your feelings, and has focused solely on his wants and desires. He's masked it by thinking to himself "well she's having affairs too, so it's ok". Tit-for-tat swinging isn't swinging. It's just cheating under each other's noses.

 

Swinging isn't for you, but the problems in your marriage weren't caused by swinging. Having a good sex life with your husband also does not a great relationship make. Sex isn't the bricks of a marriage, but it can be the mortar.

 

You have serious trust issues with your husband. You have serious resentment issues. Your marriage is burdened by a lack of effective, heartfelt communication. You lack intimacy with your husband (not the same as sex).

 

In this situation, I would insist that swinging stop, and permanently. Two, any cheating will result in divorce. Three, he will go into marriage counseling with you. No debate about that. He can say he dislikes a given counselor, and you can find one or two more, but if he wants to keep counselor hopping it's the same as not going to counseling. Four, you will go on meds only at the insistence of a trained professional, and not him. Five, put the past in the past, stop harboring resentment, and start moving forward. TRUST and COMMUNICATE. If you burden yourself with the past you've both endured, you will never move forward. You can't change the past. You can learn from it and move forward.

[slevin 1,374]

I think the spybunnies post deserves it's own thread, a huge shift of topic from the original post

 

Spybunny: forget the ultimatum altogether. They never work out how you want them to in the end and they just tend to make people feel like they are being attacked, which results in them getting defensive. What you should do is decide for yourself what you want, then set about making it happen. Do YOU want to stay married to him? If you do, then set about making that happen. Make very clear decisions for yourself on the kind of situation that you are going to be happy with. Once you have made those decisions, don't lay them out for him to see and be forced to agree with if he wants to stay. Instead starting leading in that direction, or prompt HIM to lead YOU in the direction you want It's not an easy thing to do, but it is far more effective than giving an ultimatum. You can be up front about things like not wanting to swing anymore etc., but it needs to be framed as a conversation and a joint decision. If you are BOTH making the decision it will be far more powerful than if you made the decision and he is either on board or not.

 

Now, you also have to be willing to walk away if your marriage doesn't improve, even after putting the effort in to get it back on track. This is important. Don't throw it out there in an "either things change or I am gone" kind of way. Leave it in the back of your mind as a possible outcome. When things have gotten to the point where you want to leave, don't talk about it or give chances or ultimatums then either. Make your decision and follow through with it.

 

If, right now, you decide you want a divorce then go about making that happen and don't even bother to put the effort into changing your marriage (unless your divorce lawyer recommends that you do!). Find a good lawyer, research your rights and situation yourself as well to educate yourself and then take action. Make sure you get the lawyer first, before you bring it up with him. Have your plans in place.

 

Good luck, with whatever direction you choose to take

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

I think the spybunnies post deserves it's own thread, a huge shift of topic from the original post

Looks as on-topic as any post. Spybunny has told us about the moment she decided that swinging was not for her, i.e. the moment the suggestion first reached her ears.

 

The advice you have given is cogent.

 

~M

[slevin 1,374]

Looks as on-topic as any post. Spybunny has told us about the moment she decided that swinging was not for her, i.e. the moment the suggestion first reached her ears.

 

Yeah, I worded that poorly I think. The original reply was on-topic, but the resulting thread of advice is diverging from the original intent of the thread I think. Either way, not a huge deal to me whether it gets its own thread or not

[SpyBunny 37]

Thank you everyone for the moral support. I am taking everyone's advice to heart, and thinking carefully about what I want to do and how to proceed. I have a counselor who is helping me with each step, and one of the attorneys at my office does domestic work and has been giving me the legal info I need. (Not that I didn't already know it- it's just different when it's you and not a client...)

 

If I was, I didn't mean to be a downer on this thread- the title and question really hit a nerve for me. Thank you to everyone for listening and caring- I needed that!

 

Love to all- SpyBunny