Separate Room Sex - Good Idea or No?

[ecoupleca 16]

We here so much about not doing separate rooms; can anyone share their experience? Our first was separate and it was a good experience. In fact I think it was hotter than same room because thinking about what was going on in the other room in lieu of watching it was somewhat of a mystery. Talking about it later was great. I think sometimes people in same room situations can't let go fully. Your thoughts. (I do understand there is a level of safety concern but with the right people it could diminish the safety issue.)

[vanillaknot 99]

Under the section headed Polls & Never-Ending Threads, there are a couple threads on exactly this topic. Opinions are wide-ranging.

[N&G 207]

Most of our play is separate room but we don't usually have a problem with same room. The advantage of same room is the enjoyment of watching the other couple but on the other hand while you are watching everything else that is going on there is a tendency to ignore the person that you are playing with. Sometimes same room can be very distracting and take away from your own enjoyment. Separate room allows you to focus completely on your play partner. We know a couple where the guy stares at his wife the whole time and ignores the person he is supposed to be playing with. It also made me (male half) uncomfortable so we only want separate room with them.

 

I have never heard of an actual issue involving safety in the 8 years I have been in the lifestyle. I suppose it must happen occasionaly but rarely and is more fear than reality. On the other hand there are always couples that will try to take advantage and we prefer same room the first time to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

[exploringRM 305]

We've done both same room and separate room and enjoy both. When we originally started we thought we would only be same room, but one night gave it a try at a couples house and neither of us had a problem with it. We've only been to 3 house parties but find the separate aspect gives you more options as each partner is free to find a match without worry about couples compatibility.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--I have heard of a couple of stories of first time swaps and separate room play where the guy was too intense for the woman and did not respond to the word 'no'.

 

That being said, with couples that we know, we have separate room play if they ask to. I have found that it's much more focused environment and the men tend to be more engaging. If I play with their wife later, she is more engaging too. Yet, this is a matter of degrees and varies with the person(s) involved.

 

In one case, Tom and Karen, after separate room play their group play stating matching that level of fun. Once the bar was raised in separate room play, it raised it in group play. But that's just one couple and we adore them both.

 

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Anything you observe, you effect. So, you're less effected when no one is watching. Good thing or bad thing ? Just depends what you like.

[ERICANDANN1 23]

For Us the reason we do same room is that we got into the Lifestyle together so we play together. The whole point for us was to be able to do Full Swap and watch and be involved. I see your point however, I would want to be able to see and listen to the experience. You telling your spouse what you did in the next room is not the same as actually your spouse being there and being able to see what is going on.

[lookingfornow 116]

In our experience, same vs. separate depends upon comfort levels and what the participants are looking for out of the experience. Are you a voyeur or exhibitionist? Or, does the thought of others watching you make you uncomfortable? Your answers to these questions will have a big impact on you comfort with same vs. different.

 

We know some couples who have hard and fast same room rules. We had the same rule when we started mostly because we wanted the experiences to be something that we were "sharing" as in within sight of one another. However, as we gained experience, that rule (like many of our rules) became more of a guideline and, eventually, something more of an initial preference which is now somewhat easily discarded.

 

We still prefer playing together in a group, which allows for changing combinations while participants take breaks to recharge and rehydrate. We like MFM morphing into FMF converting into two sets of MF changing into something like a true MFMF and back around again. But, lately, we have had fun in situations where we split into couples in separate rooms and then come together to play together as a group later in the evening.

 

Each of the experiences are distinctly different and enjoyable in their own right.

 

So, we can understand couples who much prefer one experience over the other. And, we also understand couples who have rules requiring one over the other. That being said, we will not play separate room unless we are very certain that there is no risk of drama. This generally means that the intended playmates are either people we have played with before or are known to people we know and whose judgment we trust.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It really just depends on the person. I've seen people go to the opposite extreme and say that if you can't / won't play in separate rooms then you shouldn't be swinging. As far as I'm concerned, it's about doing what you are comfortable with and what works for you. For some separate works better, for others they prefer what "same room" has to offer.

[Alura 2,774]

When we found our first playcouple, we considered what we were doing to be "wife swapping." Consequently, the idea of "same room" never occurred to us until Mrs. Playmate suggested it. What a creative lady she was!

 

I don't think we ever decided which we preferred but a trend developed. We would go to separate rooms at first. Later, the four of us would get together either in the bedroom or den, where play would surely begin again.

 

Mr. Alura

[JustMrJ 178]

We have no problem with either same or separate rooms. When we are at house parties, there is ample opportunity for both. At least half the parties we have attended have been crowded enough that it's same room with at least one more couple. Not necessarily playing with them, but them being in the same room playing as we (whoever my partner is at that moment).

 

I have also played in the same room my lovely bride was playing in and there have even been occasions where there were three couples and two happened to include myself and my spouse. This actually culminated in a full six way pile...

[CXXC 435]

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Anything you observe, you effect. So, you're less effected when no one is watching. Good thing or bad thing ? Just depends what you like.

 

Susan

 

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is a perfect descriptor for this activity. Those who draw pleasure from being watched and those who do not prove the point.

 

I have discovered that there are a few main reasons for people's separate room play desire.

They fear upsetting their S/O if and when they REALLY get into it.

They dont like to see their S/O get too excited

They are not exhibitionists and the same room format makes them feel like they are under the microscope

They find it difficult concentrating on their play mate while their S/O is active in the same room

They can not help but suffer performance anxiety

 

Those are, I believe the top reasons I have discovered.

 

As for Mrs. CXXC and myself, the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is proven as our excitement levels are increased. I observe her engaged and it turns me on. She sees me glance over from time to time and it excites her knowing that I am watching her. And the same works in regards to her as well.

 

 

Julie

People have actually said this to you or you have seen this in print?

I've seen people go to the opposite extreme and say that if you can't / won't play in separate rooms then you shouldn't be swinging. How narrow minded. How utterly incorrect and selfish! WOW! Such negativity! Imagine using that kind of coercion to obtain your ends. Huh!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . .The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is a perfect descriptor for this activity. Those who draw pleasure from being watched and those who do not prove the point.

How about Schröders cat, who goes into a separate room where his significant other cannot see him? I suppose the cat's SO would not know what happened to him until she opened the door on the room to make the "observation" which would, consequently, change his virtual state.

 

~M

[CXXC 435]

How about Schröders cat, who goes into a separate room where his significant other cannot see him? I suppose the cat's SO would not know what happened to him until she opened the door on the room to make the "observation" which would, consequently, change his virtual state.

 

~M

 

It all comes back to pussy with you! Doesn't it?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

It all comes back to pussy with you! Doesn't it?

I guess the cat's out of the bag.

[CXXC 435]

I guess the cat's out of the bag.

 

Oooo! that was a purrrrrrfect reply!

 

LOL! this is getting out of hand! But please, dont let me stop you!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

LOL! this is getting out of hand! But please, dont let me stop you!

To get things back on the correct track, J and I started using a rule that we would only do a partner exchange in the same room. The rule was broken upon the occasion of our second swap. The Rules Committee was convened and made a recommendation for the immediate suspension of the rule. Has been suspended permanently .

 

~M

[CXXC 435]

Mrs. CXXC and I, initially began with playing solo. Once we discovered the excitement and thrills of being with a couple as a couple, we voted to keep to same room play. However, not everyone in our circle of friends likes to play in the same room. Knowing this, we make exception to the rule with these individuals. Although not preferred, we make concessions for certain parties. It is in the interest of fun, passion and play that we do this in the first place. Being with a couple who is uncomfortable due to proximity would not be fun at all. However, this is the exception to the rule!

[azdesertlover 15]

For us it all depends on the couple/group we are playing with. There are those that only want to be in the same room. Others don't care one way or the other. We are pretty much open to either.

 

However, more often than not, we first will hang out together for a while having dinner, watching a movie, play cards, etc. This helps to make everyone feel comfortable with each other, and helps to develop friendships.

 

Then we will go off to separate rooms and get to know each other. At some point we take bio-breaks, then play together in the same room for a while, then drift back to separate rooms. This may go back and forth a number of times, depending on how long we are together, such as the evening, the day, the weekend, etc.

 

Being in separate rooms gives us a chance to get to know our partner of the moment a little better. Discover what they like and what gets them off. Over time, as we become better friends, and we learn how to make our time together that much more enjoyable.

[Trace Ekies 186]

Our only separate room play to date invloved me in the shower and Mrs. Ekies on the bed giving the male half a blow job he still rants about.

 

I was a bit uncomfortable with my playmate but enjoyed the separate room aspect. I suspect that we'll cross this bridge again someday.

 

Trace

[Hotwallabies 90]

Nothing wrong with separate rooms for us, but we have never (and may never) done(do) separate rooms though for two reasons:

 

1. Swinging is about being "together" for us. Half the fun for us is seeing each other with other people or paritcipating with other people all together.

 

2. We have yet to swing with people we know "very" well. In our minds, there is safety in numbers. I could not live with myselfif we played in separate rooms and the guy(s) or girl(s)treated my wife badly. Same room lets me keep an eye on her in more than one way.

 

 

Having said all of the above, if we got to know a couple well enoough to feel comfortable with them and knew we would be safe, we might just do the separate room stuff. It might be fun to have your spouse come back and tell you all about gettting it on while you weren't there.

[xyzzy07 15]

It's not clear to me that you have to know the other couple all that well, as long as the rooms are close together. Some of our best sex has been in separate rooms first, followed by getting all together (and in different combinations while one of us took pictures), followed by separate, etc.

 

One fun variation is sleeping with the other spouse and waking up to a middle-of-the-night or morning romp. I wouldn't have guessed how hot that turned out to be.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I have discovered that there are a few main reasons for people's separate room play desire.

They fear upsetting their S/O if and when they REALLY get into it.

They dont like to see their S/O get too excited

They are not exhibitionists and the same room format makes them feel like they are under the microscope

They find it difficult concentrating on their play mate while their S/O is active in the same room

They can not help but suffer performance anxiety

 

Those are, I believe the top reasons I have discovered.

 

These are all negative reasons. There are also positive reasons for wanting separate room. Mr. Fuse and I enjoy separate room with people we trust, not as an exclusive thing but as a way to mix it up and have a different type of experience. We don't have any of the reasons you gave above, which all seem negative to me. In a group sex experience, we enjoy the group sex. But we also enjoy separate room, at least with certain people.

 

There are things I like about both same room and separate room. But when it comes to really focusing in on my playmate and the experience of being with him, nothing beats being alone together. On a purely sexual level, I do better when I am with one person. It's not that I have difficulty concentrating on my playmate when the four of us are together, but if we are alone, the emphasis is on a one-on-one experience, and I can immerse myself more completely. I've also noticed that many playmates become less inhibited, talk more, and get more into it.

[willyoats 324]

Our first swinging experience was separate rooms because we were being "introduced" to swinging by the owners of Club Sensitivity who "taught" newbies what swinging was all about. (Anybody remember Club Sensitivity?) It was a wonderful experience.

 

Within a few days we then had same-room encounters.

 

Over the years that followed, I think my wife actually preferred the separate room times, although she never insisted on it. That is because she doesn't care if she sees me with another woman, and she is not distracted by other people in the room making noises and vibrations.

 

I like about 50-50. If the other woman is really hot and I am really into her, I want to be with her alone. Since I love to see my wife in action, if the condition of the previous sentence doesn't apply, then I want to be in the same room. Over the years, it has worked out well for us both.

[MrsPandMe 150]

Well, I'd still consider ourselves new, since we took ourselves out of the game for a while, but I'll jump in anyway. We started out as a "play-together" couple, and our first experiences were that. Our introduction to separate room play was actually sort of born from a timing issue. We were at a club and hooked up with an attached trio... Which was interesting, but i digress. The male of the trio took to M and they started playing in the pool. One of the females I had contact earlier with had M and I upstairs earlier and things were a little less smooth, so we deep-sixed that, but the third lady and I started making eyes and before you know it we've got a foursome. It's hot and heavy in the pool and my partner suggests going upstairs so I look to M and her partner and they give me the "yeah, were coming". Confident that i had my wife and her partner in tow we headed upstairs to one of the play rooms. After about 5 minutes of foreplay it was obvious that my wife and the other guy were not immediately on their way, so we just did our thing.. By the time M and her partner showed up, me and the other lady were pretty much wrapping it up so we just left them to it and went back downstairs!

 

I was worried beforehand about doing this sort of thing beforehand but it turned out to be really great and took some of the pressure off!

[ConfusedHubby 118]

Depends on the circumstances.  We prefer same room, but have no issue playing in separate spaces in the same location.  I.e. Wife downstairs in hot tub with male half while I'm upstairs in shower with female half at our house or if we're at a party or something where we're comfortable with the other people there and get pulled in different directions.  

 

I enjoy seeing the wife have fun, but neither of us have trouble 'enjoying ourselves' if the other isn't there to see it.

[The_Lizard 7]

It depends on the people you're playing with. We have dear friends in the lifestyle and we always play in separate rooms because it makes the other husband feel more comfortable. I'm okay with it too, because it's fun and a different experience. It has always worked for us. The downside is that you can get too comfortable. The other couple had a bad experience recently because they played separate with another couple and the guy was rough with his wife. He would never have let that happen, but not being there he couldn't stop it. 

So, I wouldn't do separate unless you trust the others and know that how they'll play will be fine with your spouse.

[David Lovell 160]

My wife Amy likes separate rooms more tha I do. She just wants to play in with the same partner.

I realized when we had been swinging  for a shortat while that she was trying lots of different things with her playmate, things that she didn't do with me. She didn't want me to see but gradually she started to do those things with me when we were making love. That may have never happened had she not had private lessons. 

[couplers 4,614]

On 7/14/2023 at 3:58 PM, David Lovell said:

she was trying lots of different things with her playmate, things that she didn't do with me. She didn't want me to see but gradually she started to do those things with me when we were making love.

Even with your spouse, you may not want to do things that you do with another partner.  That's ok, every pairing finds its own groove.

 

Over the years, in our poly family of three women and two men, each grouping has optimized its practices for the benefit of those participating.  Nothing wrong with me wanting to do one thing one way when I'm with Red and Lora, while prefer doing something else another way when I'm with hubby and Clair. 

[Numex 2,409]

Daniela and I have gone back and forth, started with her playing alone (hotwifing), then me joining some of her partners in MFMs, then we progressed to couples swaps both same room and separate.  Now that we're in a trusted closed group of other married couples, it's not only separate rooms but a lot of alone play for all of us, especially during the week, catching a quick one.  A guy and not-his-wife will have sex while the other spouses watch the kids.  We get together about every other weekend for group play, same or separate room doesn't make a big difference, although it is good to watch your wife doing it sometimes.

[ExploringOptions 185]

First time swinging, started together, ended separately. 
We had no plan having an overnight when meeting for our and their first swing that was so much fun it led to us staying over. Agreeing to continuing I had no problem with my wife in one bedroom and me in another. 

[njbm 2,868]

In our starting  days, we played together with other couples in the same bed. But my wife is very vocal and much slower in progressing than I am. So when we are at home, we go separate bedrooms that are nearby.