Swingers, could you be open to poly?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

For those who are currently swingers and are not in poly type relationships, do you think you could ever consider doing so? What would keep you from doing considering it? What would allow you to consider it?

 

There is often talk here about "falling in love with a swing partner" and how to avoid it, yet it seems that that is exactly what happens for many of the couples who end up in poly type relationships. In most cases they weren't seeking it and would have done their best to avoid it, but it happened and after talking about it with all parties, instead of closing the door and walking away they chose to see where it went. Do you feel you could do that?

[NCfuncouple98 367]

No. But for a good reason.

 

There was a single male we had played with, that was also a very close friend. When Mr NC went out of town for a week last October, this friend was over every day making sure me and the kids were ok, and even went on the camping trip with us that was already scheduled and paid for.

 

It was then that I first found the word "poly", and looked into it, and wondered, "Why not?" Well, Mr NC was extremely uncomfortable with the whole idea, even after reading some of the same stories/articles that I had. He didn't get it. When it started to strain our relationship ever so slightly, I realized it, closed the door, and never looked back.

 

Since then Mr NC and I have grown closer, our relationship is stronger and we have both agreed that we are only interested in swinging, and no long-term relationships. Long-term friendship with another couple, maybe, but that's our limit.

 

We also agree that should either one of us face that again, we won't wait so long to address it. He saw it happening, but wasn't sure how far it would go so he waited a bit before he confronted it.

 

I believe someone else on this board has stated "At the first sign of attachment, the door is closed and no more playing". I just can't remember if that was bbarnsworth or slevin or mrklin (sorry guys, I know it's one of you!). But I really liked that advice, for us. And it's up to me, or him, to notice any signs of the other "falling" or getting too close. We're just not in a place where we want anything poly, we just want to play and have some fun, but leave it at that. We love where our relationship is, and we don't want to change it.

 

Mrs NC

[SexyRedmondCpl 128]

We've definately talked a lot about this. For us the issue is not so much one of jealousy or emotional exclusivity, but one of time. We barely find playtime as it is. Can't even imagine trying to manage multiple relationships. Of course, that may be based on an extremely naieve view of how poly really works - if so, hopefully someone will educate us.

[LFM2 1,482]

Dave and I have talked about this on several different occasions. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of a poly relationship much like the vanillas who have a hard time wrapping their head around swinging. Maybe if I read up on it more, it would make more sense.

 

I don't berate others for their poly relationships. I'm pretty much a "to each their own" type of attitude and if it works for them, more power to them. But, I don't think it would work in our house. We're simply not willing to share each other that much. Does that make sense?

[bbarnsworth 2,636]

I believe someone else on this board has stated "At the first sign of attachment, the door is closed and no more playing". I just can't remember if that was bbarnsworth or slevin or mrklin (sorry guys, I know it's one of you!). But I really liked that advice, for us. And it's up to me, or him, to notice any signs of the other "falling" or getting too close. We're just not in a place where we want anything poly, we just want to play and have some fun, but leave it at that. We love where our relationship is, and we don't want to change it. Mrs NC

 

Not sure about slevin and mrklin, but it definitely applies to us. It's an unchangeable rule for us. If either of us feels our selves emotionally slipping towards someone beyond platonic friendship, it's cold turkey quit time...no last flings, no meet for lunch one more time or anything. Be polite and courteous to the person/couple involved, but drop them and move on.

 

We both recognize that it is virtually impossible not to develop some fondness for someone you have sex with over and over and over again. I've told my wife you can have sex with another guy a hundred times, every day if you want, as much as you want. But, our rules are it does not come at the expense of our relationship, and while friendship is fine, romantic interest is not.

 

Would we consider poly? No. That's in no way a censure of those who are poly. I think it's wonderful there are poly people. I was briefly in a poly triad in the year leading up to meeting my now wife. It didn't go very far, but it opened my eyes and made me understand that poly relationships can be very stable and rewarding.

 

I don't believe people are capable of loving just one person and one person only. It's absurd on the face of it. You love MANY people in your life, in many different ways. Your heart is certainly capable of loving more than one person in a romantic sense.

 

However, I actively choose not to share my wife in that way, and she feels the same. It's highly doubtful that will ever change. If it does change, it would have to wait until the kids are out on their own, and it would most likely be an MFM triad.

[The Fuse 1,012]

We have been open to poly in the past. We could be again. It has been a rough road in some ways, but personally I think affection and love are so precious in this life that I would have a lot of trouble rejecting it when it came along.

[CXXC 435]

I only have my view and our agreement to use in my reply to this.

 

First, I would have to say that Poly is an absolutely AMAZING thing. If there was aonther individual(s) in the world whith which I could feel as I do with Mrs. CXXC, I would not know what to do with myself. That possiblity scares the hell out of me as well.

 

There may well be another person out there to which I could feel emotionally connected to in such a way as to share my heart as I do with Mrs. CXXC. FRIGHTENING! The fact that MRs. CXXC could fall in love with another is equally frightening to me. I truly don't know if and or how I would deal with it.

 

We have agreed that if one or the other begins to feel pulled toward a playmate in an emotional way, we cut the connection. We can not EVER see them, contact them, communicate with them again. We are simpl;y ill prepared to deal with or understand the workings of that type of relationship.

 

I say this now, but tomorrow, who knows. I just know that we dont have enough information to understand the poly relationship.

 

Again, it is an awesome ability to love more than one so completely. It would be an even greater trick in my mind to pull it off. But, in my ignorance and present fear, I cannot willingly accept it.

[JTcamp05 9]

, but personally I think affection and love are so precious in this life that I would have a lot of trouble rejecting it when it came along.

 

 

Thats very true, sometimes its about opening your heart and mind. We have not had a polly relationship yet have no intrest in "preventing" natural feelings that may come our way. We will handel them respectfully like an adult should.

[good times 991]

For us it is a time thing. We don't have as much quality time for each other as we would like, we would never have enough time to devote to a third person.

[Chicup 41]

Generally I see poly as talked about and practiced as a lie.

 

Once you start talking about the primary relationship, I see it as only swinging with the same partner repeatedly.

 

We have a couple we have been playing with since we started. I can honestly say I love her and I can say we are no where near poly. Its a non-entangling love. I love her as she is for what she is, but no butterflies, no protectionism, none of the usual 'love' aspects.

 

Now to all things their can be exceptions and exceptional people. I think a real poly relationship where everyone loved everyone together would be great, and I'm sure some people have pulled this off, and I'm a little envious.

 

What I see though is mostly stable harems and short term triads.

[Oleg&Lena 43]

I suppose poly relationships can be suit for us in future. And there are the reasons why I think so.

 

We noted that the best swinging parties we have had when the attraction between participants had been very strong. And the more was attraction the better was swinging.

 

I think it because of woman become more sexual when she feel passion for her partner.

 

Also the moments of swinging experiences when my wife leave one on one with her partner were more excite ones for me than we were altogether.

 

I think it happen because of psychic of men. The pictures we imagine are more excite than ones we see.

 

Although I must say I like to observe my wife when we have swinging too. That is this way and another….

 

I understand that poly relationships mean to fall in love with somebody but believe that it is not the same as love inside couple.

 

Besides we suppose the swinging have large borders in mind different persons and different couples realize swinging differently and sometimes swinging is very close to poly.

[Chitowndk4u 32]

We've had close relationships with her friends that could be borderline poly, just without the sexual aspect.

 

We hung out, went places, stayed in and watched movies, and even slept in the same bed with at least two of her friends.

 

One of them we had same room sex with, but there was no swapping of partners. I grew closer to her friends as a result and when i would buy something like flowers for my wife (then GF) I would buy the same for her as well. She was always at our place,s o it was like we were all together. She grew close to me and we had sex and that's when the complication came in. it totally ruined our friendship and theirs which hasn't been repaired yet and this was 8 years ago.

 

So all I could say is be careful.

 

I think it is a good thing if you can handle it.

[IvoryTowers 380]

We have a couple we have been playing with since we started. I can honestly say I love her and I can say we are no where near poly. Its a non-entangling love. I love her as she is for what she is, but no butterflies, no protectionism, none of the usual 'love' aspects.

 

I don't quite see why "non-entangling love...for what she is" is not real love or wouldn't count somehow as poly. We moved from swinging to poly because for both of us (but especially me, Mrs. Ivory) sex without an emotional connection wasn't appealing. However, that doesn't mean we're looking for someone to move into our house and share every moment of our lives.

 

We are open to pretty much any level below that, from friends with benefits to long term lover. So far, there hasn't been any jealousy or fear as we've pursued connections, nor has it made us feel distant or separated (quite the opposite in fact). But then, ever since our relationship started, we've each had close friends of both sexes (our wedding party was gender mixed on both sides). So we're used to having emotional ongoing relationships with people of the opposite sex, and thanks to swinging we're comfortable with non-monogamy. Mixing the sex and the emotions seemed like a natural step and so far has been quite successful for us both.

[Chicup 41]

I don't quite see why "non-entangling love...for what she is" is not real love or wouldn't count somehow as poly. We moved from swinging to poly because for both of us (but especially me, Mrs. Ivory) sex without an emotional connection wasn't appealing. However, that doesn't mean we're looking for someone to move into our house and share every moment of our lives.

 

Some could call it poly but its not what I would consider poly. My feelings for my wife are completely different.

 

For me poly would be an near equal love, otherwise is just being really good friends.

[vanillaknot 99]

We have been poly-in-principle since we got together, 13+ years ago. We simply have never found that person who truly belongs with us in this relationship, this household, this life.

[TNT 1,155]

Although we are open to the possibility of a poly relationship, it's something we realize, for us, is very improbable to ever happen for numerous reasons.

 

For us it is a time thing. We don't have as much quality time for each other as we would like, we would never have enough time to devote to a third person.

 

Time is a major factor...What little time we do have together is for each other...where the hell would we find the time to devote to building a relationship with someone else?

 

For me poly would be an near equal love, otherwise is just being really good friends.

 

We simply have never found that person who truly belongs with us in this relationship, this household, this life.

 

A true poly relationship to us would mean being equal in all things...it would be extremely hard to find a person whom we would feel would be an equal in our relationship as well as who would feel as it they were equal.

 

At this point in our lives there is too much history between Ted and I...Shared childhood memories, shared children/grandchildren...shared family, friends...shared heartaches and triumphs...those alone would always make mine and Ted's relationship a tighter bond than any relationship we shared with someone else.

 

That's not to say that one day we might meet someone whom we felt would "belong" (as vanillaknot said) and just fit naturally with us and in our lives...and that they too would feel as it they belonged and fit...regardless of the history between Ted and I.

 

It's possible, just not very probable. We remain open to it happening, we just don't ever expect it to.

 

 

Teresa

[Trace Ekies 186]

It seems to me, to be poly would require that Mrs. Ekies and I have a relationship with another couple/single that is very nearly the same as our relationship as husband/wife and I don't see that happening.

 

Of course, never say never, but we have no inclination to be in another relationship like we have now. We just want to meet nice people, make friends of them and then progress to having sex with them if we all want to.

 

We have dear friends in the lifestyle but no love beyond wanting to have sex with each other for sport. Have fun in and out of the bedroom and then go home to our own bedrooms when it's time to go home.

[gatorvol64 216]

I have to tell you that the poly forum I belong to is having somewhat of a similar discussion in one of their threads right now....the difference between poly and swinging and if/where they overlap.

 

Chicup, I can understand your definition of poly. Most people do not have such a restricted view as this. In fact, the poly world is much like the swinging world, in that you'll find just as many definitions for poly there as you do swinging here, but you will find that these for poly are broader than the one you have. Webster's Online Dictionary also states a more lenient view of what the term polyamory means. The truth is, sex doesn't have to enter the equation in a poly relationship. (Not the kind for me.)

 

Some people, myself included, happen to belong to both the swinging and the poly camps. And I don't confuse myself at all.

 

Vol

[sweet_tna 680]

For me to answer the original question of whether I could be open to poly I'd have to first define what *I* think that entails.

 

My interpretation of poly differs from swinging in that you allow emotional romantic attachments to form with another person(s) with whom you have sex.

 

Based on this interpretation, my answer is . . . not really. I do have what I consider to be a borderline-poly relationship, but it's a line that will not be crossed. (And yes, we have discussed the matter with each other and our respective spouses--ad nauseum)

 

The reasons I do not believe we would ever cross that line are as follows:

 

1) We both value our relationships with our spouses too highly. In fact, we're not even sure we'd be able to love someone else even close to the depth with which we love our spouses. And that's assuming that . . .

 

2) either of our spouses would be open to that. While our spouses are comfortable enough with the best friends thing and the copious amount of time we spend together (in person and online), that is the limit of their willingness to "share" us.

 

3) Mr. Sweet and I have children, and that would significantly complicate any formalization of a relationship. They know “Barney" and know he’s my friend, and we prefer to leave it at that.

 

4) “Barney” and I are close, but our spouses don’t “click” the same way we do (emotionally). This would also complicate any attempt at a poly relationship.

 

5) DRAMA. While Mr. Sweet and I have what I think is a great marriage, it is, by nature, prone to at least occasional drama. Swinging increases the potential for more drama. Add in another romantic twist (or even a close friendship, as Barney will attest) and Chernoble starts to look like a day in the park. My life is exciting enough, thank you.

 

I certainly tip my hat to those who are able to open themselves to poly (whatever their definition), as I imagine it would be a wonderful thing when it works.

 

=)

[Chicup 41]

gatorvol64 said:

I have to tell you that the poly forum I belong to is having somewhat of a similar discussion in one of their threads right now....the difference between poly and swinging and if/where they overlap.

 

Chicup, I can understand your definition of poly. Most people do not have such a restricted view as this. In fact, the poly world is much like the swinging world, in that you'll find just as many definitions for poly there as you do swinging here, but you will find that these for poly are broader than the one you have. Webster's Online Dictionary also states a more lenient view of what the term polyamory means. The truth is, sex doesn't have to enter the equation in a poly relationship. (Not the kind for me.)

 

Some people, myself included, happen to belong to both the swinging and the poly camps. And I don't confuse myself at all.

 

Vol

 

Main Entry:

poly·am·ory Listen to the pronunciation of polyamory

Pronunciation:

\ˌpä-lē-ˈa-mə-rē\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural poly·am·ories

Etymology:

polyamorous (from poly- + amorous) + 2-y

Date:

1994

 

: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

— poly·am·or·ist Listen to the pronunciation of polyamorist \-rist\ noun

— poly·am·o·rous Listen to the pronunciation of polyamorous \-ˈa-mə-rəs, -ˈam-rəs\ adjective

 

I think the crux is what is a romantic relationship. I don't think many versions of what people call 'poly' applies.

[sereneiders 263]

I apologize beforehand, since we had a poly relationship before and we're open to the idea, and the question was addressed to people who didn't. I guess I am going to be a little controversial among swingers here, but it's my take.

 

From my experience with others swingers, their opinions and the way some of them express their jealously, by now I believe there are two approaches to swinging:

 

1) Those who understands the word love as having multiple meanings for which we don't have independent "nouns" in our vocabulary, hence you love many people and the meaning of love differs from one another, even is slightly, without feeling compelled to define nor linearly measure those feelings as to compare them in terms of "loving X more than Y". We belong to this class, and for us what matters is whether the one you love sticks (it loyal) to the particular commitment stated for this very relationship (and not "any" nor "some other" one), applying this criteria to every relationship, without caring to compare them.

 

2) Those who understands some parts of their sexuality as an activity dissociated from love, while retaining a "more conventional definition" of love that let's them compare the relationships in terms of "loving X more than Y" (even when I don't know how they manage to do it), and shifts the boundaries of their commitment further away from the conventions to enable themselves to share those parts of their sexuality with others (for example, some activities are "shareable" while others are preserved to express love, hence "off limits").

 

This is too rough as a definition, I know, but I believe the answer to your question depends ultimately on this initial approach. The "pure swingers" would be the later ones, they require more rules and precautions to avoid developing feelings beyond a point of tolerance because that increases the risk of perceiving what's going on with a third party would mean "they're loving less than they did before or less than that third party". And of course, this is the commitment and it should be preserved and enforced.

 

What calls my attention regarding this subject is how the "pure swingers" perceive the "poly friendly" guys as a threat (much like a "vanilla couple" may perceive swingers as a threat), which for me is a sign of that operation of shifting boundaries they made.

 

As for the "poly friendly", at least from those that share our approach, if we treasure relationships for what they are, without asking for more than fulfilling the expectations each other have about it, allowing us to call this "love" in certain cases, we don't impose any threat (beyond that of enabling a valid question about the subject) to the "pure swingers" since we (or unless) expect them to commit to their own private arrangement without asking for more. At most it is a matter of semantics.

[YZF 8]

In our relationship the love between Quita and Mrs. YZF is equal to mine for those two women. What is weird is how well they get along since they can't communicate very well. Quita speaks no English and Mrs. YZF speaks no Spanish but there is a real passion between them.

[The Fuse 1,012]

I apologize beforehand, since we had a poly relationship before and we're open to the idea, and the question was addressed to people who didn't. I guess I am going to be a little controversial among swingers here, but it's my take.

 

From my experience with others swingers, their opinions and the way some of them express their jealously, by now I believe there are two approaches to swinging:

 

1) Those who understands the word love as having multiple meanings for which we don't have independent "nouns" in our vocabulary, hence you love many people and the meaning of love differs from one another, even is slightly, without feeling compelled to define nor linearly measure those feelings as to compare them in terms of "loving X more than Y". We belong to this class, and for us what matters is whether the one you love sticks (it loyal) to the particular commitment stated for this very relationship (and not "any" nor "some other" one), applying this criteria to every relationship, without caring to compare them.

 

2) Those who understands some parts of their sexuality as an activity dissociated from love, while retaining a "more conventional definition" of love that let's them compare the relationships in terms of "loving X more than Y" (even when I don't know how they manage to do it), and shifts the boundaries of their commitment further away from the conventions to enable themselves to share those parts of their sexuality with others (for example, some activities are "shareable" while others are preserved to express love, hence "off limits").

 

This is too rough as a definition, I know, but I believe the answer to your question depends ultimately on this initial approach. The "pure swingers" would be the later ones, they require more rules and precautions to avoid developing feelings beyond a point of tolerance because that increases the risk of perceiving what's going on with a third party would mean "they're loving less than they did before or less than that third party". And of course, this is the commitment and it should be preserved and enforced.

 

What calls my attention regarding this subject is how the "pure swingers" perceive the "poly friendly" guys as a threat (much like a "vanilla couple" may perceive swingers as a threat), which for me is a sign of that operation of shifting boundaries they made.

 

As for the "poly friendly", at least from those that share our approach, if we treasure relationships for what they are, without asking for more than fulfilling the expectations each other have about it, allowing us to call this "love" in certain cases, we don't impose any threat (beyond that of enabling a valid question about the subject) to the "pure swingers" since we (or unless) expect them to commit to their own private arrangement without asking for more. At most it is a matter of semantics.

 

Hello sereneiders, I haven't seen you around here lately! Glad to see your post. Well put. We try to accept each loving relationship as it happens without worrying about whether it is "equal" to some other one. If someone told me our poly relationships weren't "real poly" because my love for my poly partners wasn't "equal" to my love for Mr. Fuse, I would have thought that was pretty silly. I know when I feel love.

[gatorvol64 216]

I think the crux is what is a romantic relationship. I don't think many versions of what people call 'poly' applies.

 

Well, you probably have me there. People just don't pay attention to any definitions in the dictionary, do they? And everyone, here and on the poly forum I belong to, will sometimes disagree on things.

 

I consider myself in a romantic relationship with two men (I looked up the definition for those two words as well). I don't try to call it poly to make it sound better. I'm not ashamed to be a swinger or have sex just for the sake of sex. And I work as hard to maintain one relationship as I do the other. I do question my sanity sometimes when they are both being an ass at the same time.

 

Vol

[IvoryTowers 380]

Mr. Ivory here. I keep hearing the phrase "equal love" here, and I don't think that's the way most poly people think about love. In order for me to be poly, I don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone other than Mrs. Ivory and whom I love as much as I love Mrs. Ivory. That's crazy. Every love relationship is different, and no level of love is more or less valid than any other.

 

The defining characteristic of poly is simply that poly couples allow for the possibility of multiple love relationships beyond the primary one. These relationships may or may not include sex. This, I think, answers Chicup's question about the difference between a long-term swing partner and a poly secondary, teritary, etc.

 

I think a lot of people accept the mono-normative notion that one can only really have one "true" love, and that one person must devote all of his love to that one person in order for it to be "real" love. So the idea becomes that loving another person must diminish the love one has for his primary. But we don't apply this standard to other kinds of love. If a couple has a second child, they don't have to tap into the limited pool of love for the first child and fish out some love for the second (thereby loving the first child less). They just manufacture some more love.

 

Poly is the same way. I love Mrs. Ivory. If I meet someone else whom I also love, then I'll create some more love. I'll still love Mrs. Ivory just as much. I'll just love that other person as well. Yes, I'm capable of that much love. Understanding this concept is key to understanding poly.

[Rahul_Neekita 32]

To handle such thing becomes nearly impossible and too cumbersome for anyone. So, It is okay and advisable, while being the best, affirmed, loyal with our partner and have sex(Only) with as many as we can without attaching ourselves emotionally. And after all we don't think that one type of emotion, feeling may be devided successfully at all in Poly.

[Guest mysticon]

I find the topic of polyamory very interesting, and think it's cool when people make it work for them. I think it's great that people can have that level of security and trust among each other, or with the person they are in a "primary" relationship with. I can't say that I would never be open to a poly relationship, since I do like that level of freedom; but not exactly sure it would be for me at this point. For one thing, I highly doubt my fiance would be comfortable, with me also being in love with someone else. I think I may also have some feelings of insecurity, that might surface; if the situation ever came up. I might wonder if he loved her more than me, or my fiance may wonder the same thing; if I was in love with another guy.

 

When I think of a polyamorous relationship, I think of people being in love with more than one person at once; and also usually think of people sharing a household- and other aspects of their lives. This may be a limited view, because I'm sure there's plenty of different ways someone could be polyamorous; but I just don't know much about the subject. I do find that level of freedom very intriguing though, and know that someone can love more than one person at once; and still truely love and care about each person.

[tiger4play 36]

My husband and I have been in both kinds of relationships...he could be in another poly relationship, but not me. I have found it VERY common that when seeking out other couples either one or the other is not compatible with either hubbie or myself. He will like the woman and I am not sure about the guy, and vice versa! I have heard that it is a rare thing to find a matching couple.

[gatorvol64 216]

My husband and I have been in both kinds of relationships...he could be in another poly relationship, but not me. I have found it VERY common that when seeking out other couples either one or the other is not compatible with either hubbie or myself. He will like the woman and I am not sure about the guy, and vice versa! I have heard that it is a rare thing to find a matching couple.

 

Well, it's hard to find another couple to just have sex with. Adding more than that would make it more difficult by far.

 

And being part of the poly "world", I can say quads aren't heard of as frequently as triads and such.

[dulciprajna 40]

For me poly would be an near equal love, otherwise is just being really good friends.

 

Generally I see poly as talked about and practiced as a lie.

 

I think to really answer this question, Poly needs a solid definition. Poly is a catchall for anything outside of general swinging. Chicup, I have to say that I and my wife are on the fence on this idea, but your last quote there was borderline offense to me. I am not offended, of course, as these are the internetz and Lord knows I have heard and seen far far worse.

 

My definition of the poly relationship is where both a strong emotional and sexual bond occurs in at least one person with multiple partners in full consent and knowledge of partners at the same time. Sometimes poly will be of a group where all have a strong emotional and sexual bond with each other, and some are polygynous or polyandrous where many individuals have a strong sexual and emotional bond to one person, but only an emotional bond between each other. In any case the bonding between all forms a family.

 

No such group is setup w/o a pecking order, though. The ideal might be near equal love, but the reality is, this is not possible for multiple reasons. 1) we are not all the same, therefore the love one would have for the other is dependent on how we mesh and this is unique to each relationship -AND- 2) Sorry, but groups naturally fall into alphas, betas, on down to omegas. Humans organize themselves that way naturally in any situation. Therefore I would think that equal love would fail to actually occur.

 

Of the poly relationships I have seen work (one triad, one couple/couple), they definitely were a "family" in both cases, but there was a pecking order. I think this would be poly, as they supported one another, spent most of their times together, etc etc.

 

I just don't think its possible to extend the ideals a one on one relationship into a group ideal. There is an order of pecking, and I think that would imply that the love cannot be equal and never can be completely achieved.

 

What do I know, though. I have never actually participated in such a relationship. This ideal does intrigue my wife and I, though.

[couplers 4,588]

Hi, this is Petra. I see swinging as giving your partner the gift of being able to have sex with others, nothing demanded in return. Polymory is giving your partner the gift of being able to love someone else with nothing demanded in return. What makes my relationships work is both my partners' true love for me demonstrated by their willingness to accept the fact that I love both of them, and that I can express it. Especially David who became my husband, took me as I was, a woman still caring deeply and in love with a boyfriend. Many here, especially guys, have said that they enjoy seeing their partners deriving pleasure from sex with someone else and at that moment feel great love for her or him. My husband goes one step better because he shares and encourages the joy I get from my emotional attachment to Red. Your spouse letting you have sex with someone else is nothing compared to mine letting me kiss my bf on the cheek and tell him, "I love you."

[cocpl2007 170]

So what happens when sex and love blend, is this what everyone here is talking about with “Poly”? It does seem, personally, quite difficult to imagine having another “love” partner in addition to my wife. There are those here who thrive in just such a relationship. Are there married couples here, in a “Poly” relationship with another married couple?

 

While we are no longer interested in encounters which involve only one time together, embracing a “poly” relationship is not something either of us would be interested in developing. Having other play partners, with whom we enjoy encounters, apart from swinging encounters is our preference.

 

Our answer to the question: “Swingers, could you be open to poly?” is no.

[DigginIt 1,132]

Mrs. Diggs and I have been together for 12 years. We have been through tough times (and still have them now and then) that have tried and tested our relationship. You don't get to 8, 10, 15, 20 years of marriage without trials and tribulations.

 

So, to the question of Poly? It is fascinating.

 

I could easily find myself emotionally connected to someone I'm swinging with. Mrs. Diggs and I are very intimate with the couples we play with. Yes there is very primal sex at points but there is also very passionate and tender moments of connection that are also achieved during play. Anyone experiencing these moments have to be affected emotionally on some scale.

 

I read somewhere, in a magazine that the same hormones that are contributed to producing the 'lust' we experience when we are first falling in love are the same hormones that are produced during psychotic behavior, lol. Often over time, it subsides and is no longer produced like it is when you first met because that 'intrigue' period is gone. It's replaced with lasting memories and for the right couples a true and meaningful love.

 

Are we too easily distracted by this emotional connection to confuse it and interpret it as 'love'? I think many do. It can be confusing and irrational but I don't think it's love. I love my wife for who she is and who we have become over years of intimacy that I don't believe will be pushed easily aside. Again, maybe we are flirting with disaster. Ask me next year.

 

Could we let someone in for a period of 'poly' like time with someone, maybe, but in the long run I'm afraid it would only reveal itself to be what it truly was which would be just passing fascination coupled with intrigue and attraction. Not love.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Polyamory is like anything else. What it means to an individual or couple will necessarily be different from another. Polyamory is about love and relationships. It does not define those relationships.

 

I am in a Poly relationship under that definition. There are two different women that I love and care about other than my wife. One predates my meeting my wife, the other I met through her. Is my relationship with them sexual? No, it is not. That is life, and I will not abandon my caring about them just because I’m not sleeping with them.

 

In traditional relationships as defined by “normal” society, I would have to abandon and ignore my love for them. So poly is what it is for you.

[interested-05 135]

The question has a wide variety of variables involved. Am I capable of truly loving more than on person at a time, yes. am i able to deal with the all the bs, that more than one at a time can create?

 

Do I have enough time to meet the needs of more than one? Will I offend the one while meeting the needs of the other. What happens when I am caught in the middle of an unresolvable issue between the others?

 

I have a few friends I really care for. Does this mean I love them? Yes in some ways I do, but there is only so much of me to go around. Which is why my wife is the center of my Love, and my friends are a peripheral love which I enjoy being with. Maybe doing everything including sex, but when it comes time to fall asleep and wake up with everyday, I have one and that is fulfillment enough.

[Chicup 41]

ncmd_couple said:

In traditional relationships as defined by “normal” society, I would have to abandon and ignore my love for them.

 

I'd say "tradition" would be it is fine to love someone else too, in fact its romanticized a bit, a leftover of chivalrous love. Society loves tragedy.

 

Society only gets in your face when you decide to let your naughty bits rub.

[DiscreetDesires 32]

Could we be open to poly? Yes.

Are we actively searching for it? No.

 

We attempted a poly relationship a little more than a year ago, and while it did bring about a little fear on my part, I was willing to overcome those fears, because I believe the outcome could be very rewarding.

That relationship actually failed due to other circumstances, but glad that we took the plunge together to open ourselves up in that way for one another.

 

I actually stumbled across the term poly by accident and began reading up on it and realized that poly was what I was, but I never knew a name for it.

I have always enjoyed relationships with both male and females whether they were seperated or intersected. I let it be known when Mr. Discreet and I first started dating that he would most likely not be the only love in my life, and he accepted this. I just didn't know the term poly back then.

 

If we happen to cross that bridge again, it will be talked about between the two of us, but I believe that we are both very open to the possibility, but we aren't going to actively search for it.

As it happens, Mr. Discreet and myself found each other when we were both least expecting it and not looking.. so sometimes it's just best to let go of expectations and enjoy the ride. Oftentimes, it's best not knowing whats around the bend, and ohhh do I love surprises!

 

 

~ Mrs. Discreet

[experienced 15]

IvoryTowers said:

Poly is the same way. I love Mrs. Ivory. If I meet someone else whom I also love, then I'll create some more love. I'll still love Mrs. Ivory just as much. I'll just love that other person as well. Yes, I'm capable of that much love. Understanding this concept is key to understanding poly.

 

Yes. Exactly. Its not like you have a finite supply of love.

 

gatorvol64 said:

Well, it's hard to find another couple to just have sex with. Adding more than that would make it more difficult by far.

 

And being part of the poly "world", I can say quads aren't heard of as frequently as triads and such.

 

My husband and I have been swinging for 15 years together and found a couple that we consider our boyfriend and girlfriend...and they happen to be married to each other. The first night we hung out with them we all knew we had something special with them. We've been with them for a year now..we still swing but we do it all together. I go out on dates with my boyfriend.....my husband takes salsa lessons with his girlfriend. So far its all working for us. I love my husband more than life itself. I love my boyfriend but its a different love. I have 17 years with my husband and a family...boyfriend is important and special to me but its not the same by any means.

 

cocpl2007 said:

So what happens when sex and love blend, is this what everyone here is talking about with “Poly”? It does seem, personally, quite difficult to imagine having another “love” partner in addition to my wife. There are those here who thrive in just such a relationship. Are there married couples here, in a “Poly” relationship with another married couple?

 

Had someone said to me a few years ago we (husband and I) would be involved with another couple I would have told them no f'n way. This is not something we ever looked for...and to be honest I'd probably would have advised people in the lifestyle not to do it....but now my mindset has changed a bit. I do feel like we have to explain ourselves to other lifestyle friends (they all thought we're nuts) but they all hang out with us and have fun so they can see that clearly it IS working for us. How long will it last? That's a whole 'nother question.LOL

[Big Rock 173]

Relationsjips are like anything else in this world. What works for one doesn't work for another. My relationship with my wives, is, every day , and in every way, the most loving, stimulating , challenging and satisfying relationship I've ever had, and both of them say the same. If you had asked me even 6 months ago , if one person could be in love with more than one other person, I would have called you crazy, but now I know it's possible, because we are living it.

[Dont.Stop 339]

Yes and no.

 

We're hot and heavy for a couple, and the feeling mutual. We talk, we sext. Last night in bed we called them, put our phones on speaker and listened to the ladies have orgasms while the guys touched/oral, etc. It was fun.

 

If there was going to be a poly relationship for us, this would be it. As sexy, lustful and sensual we are towards each other, I have a different level of commitment to my wife than I do to his. It's not romance (though we can do romantic stuff). We all agreed that hall passes are okay with the others. We love them, they love us. But then, we love all of our friends.

 

But this is as close as we want to get. We still like to play with other couples, and honestly, I don't know how polyamorous couples deal with swinging. I admit polyamory intrigues me, but it's no more than intriguing for me.

[Big Rock 173]

Yes and no.

 

We're hot and heavy for a couple, and the feeling mutual. We talk, we sext. Last night in bed we called them, put our phones on speaker and listened to the ladies have orgasms while the guys touched/oral, etc. It was fun.

 

If there was going to be a poly relationship for us, this would be it. As sexy, lustful and sensual we are towards each other, I have a different level of commitment to my wife than I do to his. It's not romance (though we can do romantic stuff). We all agreed that hall passes are okay with the others. We love them, they love us. But then, we love all of our friends.

 

But this is as close as we want to get. We still like to play with other couples, and honestly, I don't know how polyamorous couples deal with swinging. I admit polyamory intrigues me, but it's no more than intriguing for me.

Don't Stop, the answer is that in most poly relationships , they don't swing. I'm not saying all, just most. I rejected swinging because of my previous partner's jealousy issue, what my wife, Janie, was looking for in swinging was a way of expressing her bisexuality, and my other wife, Bets, has never been into the LS, so swinging isn't on the table.

[WesternSwing 504]

Many poly relationships I know do include swinging, though they don't call it that themselves; they just say that they are "open to outside play". That play make include two or more of them with the outside person, or it may be just one of them.

[experienced 15]

WesternSwing said:

Many poly relationships I know do include swinging, though they don't call it that themselves; they just say that they are "open to outside play". That play make include two or more of them with the outside person, or it may be just one of them.

 

It is so strange..because if I were to label us..I'd say we're swingers first, in a relationship with another couple (so poly second).....although I do hate labels. They're just so defining- and for me, what we're doing HAS no label. We're just having fun!

[MN Tom 251]

At this point in life we aren't open to poly asssuming it's defined by a honest, loving and open 3 or 4 way relationship with another couple where you live as a big combined family. We just couldnt bring our kids into it to that degree or handle our families views.

 

Exclusivity for us isnt preferable either, I know that might not be a tenet of poly, but it's more commonly seen. While we may enjoy having a deeper relationship with a playmate than some do, we aren't on the level of making that into a full blown love setup where you share all details of life together.

 

What we've been doing is keeping it at a "infatuation dating" level. Meaning we enjoy and discuss all the fun stuff in the relationship, but we dont get into the less fun subjects such as personal finances, raising the kids, dealing with the family, religion... Those subjects are typically glossed over or very lightly touched, much less so than they would be in a true dating relationship with someone who you planned on spending a life together with.

 

And yes to some this may be limiting, but so be it. It's how it's working for us currently so that is what we do

If you wanted to label it, we are in what is called an open relationship. We allow each other to play separate and we play together, but we dont go as far as poly guidelines.

[Big Rock 173]

I think that the type of lifestyle partners have had prior to the poly relationship, are really the determining factor, in whether swinging will be a part of the new relationship. In my situation, we have agreed on exclusivity, because my wife Janey has bad experiences swinging, Bets is not interested, and I'm getting all the pussy I can handle, so am ambivalent. Our marriage satisfies all of our emotional, and sexual needs , so swinging isn't necessary. I also think that because we have all started together, and are creating our own marriage situation it, it is easier, it would have been much more difficult if I was already married to one or the other first, and brought in the third person later.

[BigNikki 43]

One aspect of poly I don't see being discussed is the stuff of everyday domesticity.

 

Any comments those of you with experience?

[Big Rock 173]

WE are like any other married couple, except there are three of us. We all work in different professions, come home, make dinner together, and live and talk and laugh and love and that is basically our life. Janie and Bets do more of the housekeeping than I do, but I do most of the farm chores. We go shopping together, sleep in the same bed (nude) and have sex when we are horny. Since we became a married triad, every day is an adventure, and we learn more about each other. It's everything I had hoped it would be.

[Illy 15]

BigNikki said:

One aspect of poly I don't see being discussed is the stuff of everyday domesticity.

 

Any comments those of you with experience?

 

I have been married to my first hubby 12 years and with my second for 8 years. We have an unusually peaceful household.

 

My (first) husband and I ultimately make the parenting decisions, but my (second) husband always is welcome to contribute and give feedback. We always try to present a unified front and be consistent parents and that is a team effort. My daughter is aware of our situation (only recently) and her response was just that her life was good and she expected nothing would change and it hasn't. Of course we are pretty naturally socially liberal so the idea wasn't a stretch for her.

 

Daily, we share the chores. Usually more in a sliding scale. If one of us is working a lot of overtime the others pick it up. Generally, we are a team and behave that way.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

There is often talk here about "falling in love with a swing partner" and how to avoid it, yet it seems that that is exactly what happens for many of the couples who end up in poly type relationships. In most cases they weren't seeking it and would have done their best to avoid it, but it happened and after talking about it with all parties, instead of closing the door and walking away they chose to see where it went. Do you feel you could do that?

This is exactly what happened to us. If you had asked 8 months ago if we could do it, the answer would have been "not on your life". Yet, we did. At the risk of sounding like a cop-out, it just happened, and none of us were willing to just walk away.

[celtic239 297]

We doubt we would ever go poly. We are "committed" to each other and that takes a lot of effort. Swinging for us is a fun activity.