Some rules are just asking to be broken

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I've been reading through some of the archived threads on boundaries and I've run across a few rules that stood out to me as things that people were just asking for trouble on... either rules that you just can't be expected not to break, or rules that you can't expect another couple to actually follow, when it comes down to it.

 

Most of them have to do with cumming, either not to or where to.

 

Examples

- a rule that neither half of the couple can FINISH (cum) with someone else. - I'm sorry but when I get close I'm cumming. If I get that close and then have to stop and change partners, chances are I'm not going to cum at all that night.

 

- He can't finish in another woman's mouth (or worse, even if he pulls out, she gets pissed because the other woman goes back to clean it up). The latter bit of that actually came from a post in the archives where the guy actually did pull out when a woman was giving him oral (because that was the rule that he and his wife had) but then the other woman went back down and cleaned him up. The wife of the guy who came got pissed at her husband?! Hello!? Even if you have a rule that you don't finish with someone else, if the real rule is that you don't want to see anyone licking up his cum or swallowing it, then you might want to reword that rule.

 

Other rules I've run across seem to be in place only to test the partner, to see if they really will stay within the boundaries...but at the same time because of what the rule is, it's like they put it there just because they know the partner will break it and it will give them something to take issue with.

 

So what other rules have you run across that you thought.... yeah that's just asking for trouble?

[Alura 2,775]

I agree, Julie. Making such rules is fertile ground for failing to do what is expected and will probably do little more than cause hurt feeling. When we have sex, with our spouses or not, it's more fun to do it with mindless abandon. I'd hate to have to keep something in mind that I must not do.

 

The only rule Mrs. Alura and I had was that we wouldn't "make love" with anyone else. All other sex acts were not just allowed but expected. We didn't have to think about not making love with others. It couldn't have happened.

 

If rules are made by a couple, they should be certain that their partner playcouple knows what they are.

 

Mr. Alura

[truckerbuddy 127]

can you over think the rules?? oh hell yes.. when it comes to having fun and just enjoying the moment. a rule can so get in the way of havein a good time..

 

should you have rules?? yes .. but make them ones you can keep. if there to over the top,, will you find anyone to play with????

[funcpl4life 51]

No kissing.

Just seems like it's going to get broken.

 

Mr FC4L

[two4youinswva 3,068]

No kissing.

Just seems like it's going to get broken.

 

Mr FC4L

 

I agree with this one.

[Chicup 42]

I wish I had saved the profile of a couple we met, I posted it here once.

 

They had it all spelled out..

 

-You can touch her above the waist through her shirt.

- He can touch you above your waist naked and below your waist threw your clothes.

 

It went on and on and on. You would need a lawyer to ultra soft swap with them.

[Swing*8701 887]

While some rules and boundaries seem normal, a stack of rules = a stack of fears.

[femnewb4u2 328]

I may have said this in another thread. One of my biggest "fears" in playing is being with a couple with lots of rules, complicated rules or a particular rule such as no kissing. I am concerned I will get caught up in the passion/fun of the sex play, break a rule, or simply start to, and then hurt someone emotionaly or create drama in an already vulnerable situation. I have wondered if I am over sensitive to the subject in the drama category since it could become a two against one situation. Visions also of being the catalyst for one partner testing the other through the rules.

 

Having said that I do understand there is a variety of rules and reasons for them. I respect the couples that have them as it serves a need for them. But rules, number and type, will be a factor for me in whether I play with them.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I could see no kissing at all before another one that I ran across.... you could kiss... but no tongue/ french kissing :rollseyes:

 

And Chicup, I remember that post, I think I just read it again recently (it's i the archives now), that list was one that I can't see anyone wanting to play with.

[Alura 2,775]

I'll always remember an amazing kiss delivered by an amazing lady in Nashville... I'm glad she and her husband had no such rule!

 

Mr. Alura

[kita kain 15]

One of our rules that I strictly enforce is: my wife must kiss me deeply after she's had pussy on her lips! She broke it when she kissed me deeply after having dick on her lips! Talk about "some rule are just asking to be broken.."

[JandY 61]

Having read through this topic, it's patently clear that rules are hard to adhere to.

 

But if a rule is known prior to engaging in any form of (particularly a sexually physical) relationship, then such a rule should be complied with unless it is waived.

 

Or does "No" not mean "No" anymore?

[PB&J 1,086]

But if a rule is known prior to engaging in any form of (particularly a sexually physical) relationship, then such a rule should be complied with unless it is waived.

 

Or does "No" not mean "No" anymore?

 

Oh, absolutely no means no! I think that the point here is that it is not the "other couple" that will break the rule, but half or both of the rule-making couple itself who will not be able to keep the rule. Therein lies the drama, as many many threads on this site can attest to.

 

I know that we would steer clear of a couple that had those sort of potential drama bombs as rules. (not to mention that playing with a no-kissing couple, as we did in our newbie days, was just too hard. Complying with the other couple's rule was a given, as far as we were concerned, but the effort required to comply with the rule interfered with our enjoyment of the activity.)

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Having read through this topic, it's patently clear that rules are hard to adhere to.

Not all rules. As the thread title indicates, some rules are hard to adhere to. The thought being that the couple with such rules are setting themselves up for failure.

 

Or does "No" not mean "No" anymore?

See, that's an easy rule to adhere to.

 

Our rules are easy for us to keep: Play together, communicate when it doesn't feel right, and respect the veto.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Having read through this topic, it's patently clear that rules are hard to adhere to.

 

But if a rule is known prior to engaging in any form of (particularly a sexually physical) relationship, then such a rule should be complied with unless it is waived.

 

Or does "No" not mean "No" anymore?

 

No means no... but whether it's the rule making couple or the other couple - when you make rules like this, the point is that it becomes very hard to keep them.

 

To tell someone "oh you can kiss me but no open mouth". Then try to remember that 3 hours later. "Oh shit, I opened my mouth and inserted tongue... now I feel like crap". It's not a matter of doing it on purpose, and no one is suggesting that such rules would be broken on purpose. Moreso that such specific and detailed rules are going to be hard to remember in the heat of the moment and if you focus so hard on trying to remember them, you're no likely to have much fun in the process.

[YZF 8]

We started with a long list of rules and are now down to only one. No more full weekend swaps.

 

A few of weeks ago we traded with another couple for a weekend. At the end of the weekend he dropped off Mrs. YZF and asked if we would keep his wife until the next weekend. Sure, why not.

 

She has been here for almost a month. I am wondering if her husband is ever going to come and get her. Not that I am complaining about waking up in the mornings and having to guess who is giving me my morning blowjob. They both are it is just that I have to guess who is on at that particular moment.

[sexcupid 809]

It's not a matter of doing it on purpose, and no one is suggesting that such rules would be broken on purpose. Moreso that such specific and detailed rules are going to be hard to remember in the heat of the moment and if you focus so hard on trying to remember them, you're no likely to have much fun in the process.

 

 

I agree that having a list 5 miles long is asking for trouble.

 

But I also feel that if you have a restriction, it is up to you to keep it from happening. So for the 'we kiss, but no tongue/frenching' couple, kiss away...but if I forget and try to deepen the kiss...you need to be the one to stop it from happening (either by a gentle reminder or switching attention else where...like pulling away and kissing my neck or something...).

 

In one of our first discussions about the LS, we tossed out things that would make us uncomfortable to see the other one doing with someone else. It gave us a starting point for potential limitations and further discussions. When we finally had our first swap we were down to 2 conditions: use condoms and play in separate rooms. Seems easy enough to remember.

 

Now, I'm off to go find that ad Chicup was talking about....lmao sounds like an entertaining read.

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

To tell someone "oh you can kiss me but no open mouth". Then try to remember that 3 hours later. "Oh shit, I opened my mouth and inserted tongue... now I feel like crap". It's not a matter of doing it on purpose, and no one is suggesting that such rules would be broken on purpose. Moreso that such specific and detailed rules are going to be hard to remember in the heat of the moment and if you focus so hard on trying to remember them, you're no likely to have much fun in the process.

 

Yeah, I can relate to this. Early on, my wife and I had a no-kissing rule. It was her rule, and I was happy with her kissing if she so chose, but we agreed on no kissing. That rule's by the wayside now. But...

 

Very early on in a soft swap, the lady of the other couple gave me a kiss then asked "that's a rule, right?" Honestly, in the heat of the moment, I had to think about it for a second. Not that I would have broken the rule in the heat of the moment anyways (I didn't give the kiss); if I was uncertain, I'd stop until I was certain. But, I can readily understand how a rule can accidentally be broken.

 

My wife and I realize now that most rules are about security. Some are 'logistics' (birth control), and those we're hard and firm on. But others are gone now. What matters is our devotion to each other, not what we do with other people with permission.

[good times 991]

can you over think the rules?? oh hell yes.. when it comes to having fun and just enjoying the moment. a rule can so get in the way of havein a good time..

That is sooo true, I can't tell you how many times us "Good times" have declined to play with someone because of their "rules".

 

Or does "No" not mean "No" anymore?

Sure it does, but the point of this discussion is that their are some rules that are hard or impossible to keep. My opinion is, that those are bad or inappropriate rules.

 

When we first started swinging, someone would tell us their rules, we would acknowledge them and proceed to play. It didn't take us long to figure out which rules were the rules being discussed here. Now days, when one of those rules pops up, we exercise our option to say "no" before we get to the play room. We just do not want any part of someone who is setting themselves up to fail.

 

Some of the rules that will cause us to pass on play with a couple.

 

1. No kissing - These couples are usually insecure couples who are really no fun to play with. Are all "no kissing" couples this way? probably not, but of the more than a dozen we have met so far we haven't found the exception yet.

 

2. Any rule that tells me when or where I can or cannot have an orgasm - When we get to that point, we are not stopping. So, if someone has a rule like this, we'll pass.

 

3. "Can't touch that" rules - We recently played with a couple who had several of these ("can touch my tits, but not with your lips. If you have to, you can lick my pussy, but I don't like it" and unfortunately we didn't find this out until we were undressed in the play room "oh, by the way, we don't allow any kissing"). Sucks the fun right out of it, and they are so hard to keep from breaking, as it requires you not to do things that you always do. In this instance we quit playing with the couple after less than 15 minutes.

 

It is funny to me that most of the rules that are hard to keep or ruin the fun are usually put forth by couples who we later find out one of them is reluctant to be a swinger, or they have serious jealousy or insecurity issues. For that reason, I think these rules are useful as they help us avoid those couples that are really not ready for swinging.

[JandY 61]

 

Very early on in a soft swap, the lady of the other couple gave me a kiss then asked "that's a rule, right?" Honestly, in the heat of the moment, I had to think about it for a second.

 

That is so hysterically funny (yet sad, same time).

 

Just trying to think what it would be like if so much store was put on "rules" in the vanilla world.

 

Imagine being in a simple making-out situation at the age of 17. You kiss her on the lips and have to wait for her to say "that's OK". You kiss her neck "OK". You kiss her ear "OK". You insert your tongue into her ear "THAT'S A RULE!!! You can skirt the lobe and the edge but NO PENETRATION".

 

She cups your balls through your trousers. "That is SOOOoooooo OK".

[bbarnsworth 2,653]

That is so hysterically funny (yet sad, same time).

 

Just trying to think what it would be like if so much store was put on "rules" in the vanilla world.

 

Imagine being in a simple making-out situation at the age of 17. You kiss her on the lips and have to wait for her to say "that's OK". You kiss her neck "OK". You kiss her ear "OK". You insert your tongue into her ear "THAT'S A RULE!!! You can skirt the lobe and the edge but NO PENETRATION".

 

She cups your balls through your trousers. "That is SOOOoooooo OK".

 

Score

 

Yeah, as a teenage boy it was more like "I wonder if I can get away with this....ok, my hand didn't get amputated and she seems to be enjoying it...phew!"

 

As I mentioned before, our rules are essentially gone now, and what's left are logistical and emotional. They're pretty easy to follow.

[sweet_tna 680]

Yes, I've heard of/seen rules that seemed doomed to failure. And that's why we would decline to play with anyone whose rules are:

 

*too complicated (you can touch here but not there)

*go against our natural inclinations (any restrictions on cumming or kissing)

*are one sided (my wife can't swallow cum, but if your wife wants to swallow mine it's okay)

 

We are very respectful of rules/boundaries. And we simply don't want to take the chance that we'd unintentionally break the rule in the heat of the moment OR have to try so hard not to that we don't enjoy ourselves.

 

=)

[swvacouplelookn 33]

Yes, I've heard of/seen rules that seemed doomed to failure. And that's why we would decline to play with anyone whose rules are:

 

*too complicated (you can touch here but not there)

*go against our natural inclinations (any restrictions on cumming or kissing)

*are one sided (my wife can't swallow cum, but if your wife wants to swallow mine it's okay)

 

We are very respectful of rules/boundaries. And we simply don't want to take the chance that we'd unintentionally break the rule in the heat of the moment OR have to try so hard not to that we don't enjoy ourselves.

 

=)

 

Agreed 100%. We also tend to avoid situations where there are a lot of rules that "go against our natural inclinations." Even just being pragmatic about it, these kinds of rules just don't make sense. There's a reasonable expectation that some things SHOULD occur with most people to have a satisfying sexual experience. These kinds of restrictions on kissing, etc. really make it difficult for most of us to really enjoy a partner that's for sure.