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Although we are not ultra experienced, my wife and I have had enough experiences to understand that physical attraction had better be present in all parties involved. This in itself is what I would consider a normal and reasonable basic element of swinging, at least the way we look at it.

 

My issue is I have always been extremely picky as far as physical attraction goes. Over the course of my vanilla life I have turned down more sexual opportunities than I have taken simply because I wasn't attracted to the gal at the time. Then I met my gorgeous wife. :D I understand that I might take some heat for this comment, but please understand that I'm just trying to present an honest and frank issue to you for your honest and frank thoughts. We have trouble finding potential play partners for us who are physically attractive to me. We have had a couple of experiences with couples where the females were by most of society's standards very attractive, however I simply tried to talk myself into the situation only to end up having erection problems, etc. I just wasn't really INTO these ladies. It just ended up not being worth it in those 2 situations. Everything else has been fine.

 

Now we both have to have attraction to personality as well, but sometimes I just feel like I am unfairly picky regarding physical looks. Basically I feel like I am married to the world's most beautiful woman, so why would I settle for someone I'm not crazy about? My wife probably ends up with the short end of the stick here, though, because my finicky taste for women leaves us with few options for play. I don't plan on taking one for the team again whatsoever, but I want my wife and I to have options. We've even talked seriously about separate play to address this situation, but we've had trouble coming to terms on that so it's either together or not at all.

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swvacouplelookn,

 

I spent some time responding to your other thread about playing separately. After reading this post, though, it seems that at least one of the reasons you're thinking about playing separately is not just to fulfill additional fantasies or desires; it's an effort to work around the difficulties of finding a four-way match.

 

My question is, what are you looking for in posting this thread? Are you looking for validation in being extremely picky? A way to stop being "too picky"? A way to smooth over your wife's frustrations with your pickiness? I can't see a way to get any of these things by discussing them here, but maybe someone else can help you if you say what you are looking for.

 

You like who you like. You can't get it up unless you like someone. It is what it is. You may be able to change what you like if your comfort zone expands, but you can't force it.

 

And yes, you may take some "heat" for your comments. I read your profile, and if I was in your local area I would be discouraged from contacting you, because I'm sure I wouldn't be attractive enough for you. Will this cause resentment? Only if you say it ("beautiful women only") out loud, multiple times... like you have. Your profile would actually cause me to dislike you. You may be more popular if you cater to your exacting preferences without making everyone else feel badly.

 

Sorry for my tone. I guess you hit a nerve.

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swvacouplelookn,

 

I spent some time responding to your other thread about playing separately. After reading this post, though, it seems that at least one of the reasons you're thinking about playing separately is not just to fulfill additional fantasies or desires; it's an effort to work around the difficulties of finding a four-way match.

 

My question is, what are you looking for in posting this thread? Are you looking for validation in being extremely picky? A way to stop being "too picky"? A way to smooth over your wife's frustrations with your pickiness? I can't see a way to get any of these things by discussing them here, but maybe someone else can help you if you say what you are looking for.

 

You like who you like. You can't get it up unless you like someone. It is what it is. You may be able to change what you like if your comfort zone expands, but you can't force it.

 

And yes, you may take some "heat" for your comments. I read your profile, and if I was in your local area I would be discouraged from contacting you, because I'm sure I wouldn't be attractive enough for you. Will this cause resentment? Only if you say it ("beautiful women only") out loud, multiple times... like you have. Your profile would actually cause me to dislike you. You may be more popular if you cater to your exacting preferences without making everyone else feel badly.

 

Sorry for my tone. I guess you hit a nerve.

 

Fair enough. I guess I didn't really ask as I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this post. It's not really validation. I'm not sure what it is I'm seeking to be honest. I am who I am, and that's always going to be okay. But, I just feel bad that I am so picky sometimes. We do tend to get quite a bit of interest, and we have met some good people here. Many of them have become friends, and a few have become more than that.

 

Thanks for your honest feelings on the matter. :)

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My Mr is extremely picky as well. He's always been attracted to a certain look and has tried to expand his zone to include a larger pool of what I consider attractive and he considers ok looking women. To boot, he's shy and needs to feel really comfortable with whom he will be having sex. I am picky too but a little more forgiving. I won't take one for the team, and neither will he, but I will give points for personality and humor where he doesn't seem to be able to. So where does that leave us? Playing with each other which we're more than ok with. And when we do find that rare four way match where we're all physically attracted to each other and the chemistry is there? Bliss!

 

Just wanted to post and say that you're not the only picky guy out there.

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My Mr is extremely picky as well. He's always been attracted to a certain look and has tried to expand his zone to include a larger pool of what I consider attractive and he considers ok looking women. To boot, he's shy and needs to feel really comfortable with whom he will be having sex. I am picky too but a little more forgiving. I won't take one for the team, and neither will he, but I will give points for personality and humor where he doesn't seem to be able to. So where does that leave us? Playing with each other which we're more than ok with. And when we do find that rare four way match where we're all physically attracted to each other and the chemistry is there? Bliss!

 

Just wanted to post and say that you're not the only picky guy out there.

 

I appreciate that more than you know. I think in my case (and probably your hubby's case also), it's more a testament to how we feel about our wives. Mine has sure set the standard very high for other women! ;)

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Hey welcome to the picky club.

 

My personal opinion is that picky swingers have a lot less fun, but we can't help what we are attracted to.

 

The problem with having said narrow strike zone is that you are looking for a subset of an already small subset.

 

Followed that just because you find THEM attractive doesn't mean they will find you attractive.

 

So play will be very limited.

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Hey welcome to the picky club.

 

My personal opinion is that picky swingers have a lot less fun, but we can't help what we are attracted to.

 

The problem with having said narrow strike zone is that you are looking for a subset of an already small subset.

 

Followed that just because you find THEM attractive doesn't mean they will find you attractive.

 

So play will be very limited.

 

I can relate to this so well, but from the other side. Bunny is the one who is picky. I think alot of it has to do with her difficulty separating love from casual sex. And with the luck we have had so far in parners who dont perform well, she is not getting a chance to find and learn the difference. So as you say Chicup, play will be very limited. But I still consider myself well ahead in the game. A good many other wives wouldnt even consider the notion of swinging let alone try. So while I would like more play to happen with others, I conside myself to be very lucky in having My Bunny in bed.

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As long as you're honest with yourself about who you are attracted to and pursue that then it's all that matters. I think my wife is gorgeous, but I am also attracted to women who aren't as attractive as she is. That isn't to say I'm not picky, I am, but I go with my libido and whatever women excite me is the ones that I focus on. It has been interesting getting into the swinging scene as it really changed my understanding of who I was attracted to. When we got into swinging I had a very specific image of the kind of woman that I was attracted to and was adamant that I was only interested in women who were at least as attractive as my wife. When it came right down to it though, I was way off base. I think a lot of guys tend to be off on who truly excites them and often look to a more socially popular type of look. I'm not saying that is you or anyone else on here, but I find it quite common amongst my friends.

 

A long way of saying that if you're being honest with yourself about it, then go with it :) Nothing wrong with being picky.

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As long as you're honest with yourself about who you are attracted to and pursue that then it's all that matters. I think my wife is gorgeous, but I am also attracted to women who aren't as attractive as she is. That isn't to say I'm not picky, I am, but I go with my libido and whatever women excite me is the ones that I focus on. It has been interesting getting into the swinging scene as it really changed my understanding of who I was attracted to. When we got into swinging I had a very specific image of the kind of woman that I was attracted to and was adamant that I was only interested in women who were at least as attractive as my wife. When it came right down to it though, I was way off base. I think a lot of guys tend to be off on who truly excites them and often look to a more socially popular type of look. I'm not saying that is you or anyone else on here, but I find it quite common amongst my friends.

 

A long way of saying that if you're being honest with yourself about it, then go with it :) Nothing wrong with being picky.

 

I think this is a very good post. It well states what is going on in my head. I don't always end up being attracted to the ones society would think EVERYONE would be attracted to. It's not that she would have to compare to my wife in any way. When i see someone attractive, I just know it. It's hard to explain. I guess you said it well with just being honest with YOURSELF about whether real attraction is there or not. If not, you're really wasting your time and hers. Make a friend if not a playmate and then continue looking for what excites you.

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okay, so most have agreed to 'each his own' on whom he/she is attracted to, and no taking one for the team. Being in that boat all too often, here is a solution that may work for you as it has on a few occasions for us; Try to attend on premise venues like parties or clubs where there is the chance that both of you may find a mutually attractive couple that 'does it for you.' If not then also be open to the possibility that your wife may find someone attractive, and if you meet and are comfortable with the other person, then let her have some play time and you may tag along to oversee, or participate if you'd like. By your wife always giving you 'the open door' to any play situation she may be in, you might be more at ease with her having a bit of fun. It would take a bit of getting used to on your part, but if you're always welcomed to join at any time, you should feel ok about it. Reciprocally if you hit it off with a girl then you retain the same rights as your wife, as long as she's comfortable with the other girl too. This may not work for many, but since you've discussed 'no' to solo play, this may be a worthy alternative to consider.

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We've actually gotten common ground on solo play within the last day or so. This has been the biggest reason we've considered playing separate sometimes. Of course this isn't our true preference, but you can't have it both ways! LOL But, you're right. Sometimes together play is a little more difficult if there are varying tastes in physical preference present in a couple.

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We had the no solo play rule when we first started. I think it lasted through our 3rd encounter? We had plans to meet a couple at a swing club and the other woman was "broken", so we decided to still go and have fun and the wife and other guy played on their own. And later learned at house parties as another poster mentioned, it's easier to just go with who you like. We still play together with couples when things click for all.

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I am sure in that type of party situation it's much easier for everyone to find some sexual compatibility than trying to pair up two couples.

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I read your post and I felt like my own husband could have written it. I didn't hear "beautiful people only" in your post and I think it's because we deal with the same thing. It's not that he's only attracted to model perfect, far from it, it's just that it has to "be there" for him to be really into a woman. As often as not, he finds a woman he's really attracted to based on looks and then he starts talking to her and she turns him off. The most recent case was a single female we met a social. He danced with her a couple of times and then finally came back and said he wasn't interested in anymore, when I asked why he said she just kept talking about fishing and Nascar! (both things that neither of us are remotely into). I said "ya know, we just gotta find a way to get these girls in the bedroom before they open their mouths and spoil the illusion for you".

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when I asked why he said she just kept talking about fishing and Nascar! (both things that neither of us are remotely into). I said "ya know, we just gotta find a way to get these girls in the bedroom before they open their mouths and spoil the illusion for you".

 

 

I need her number :lol:

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I said "ya know, we just gotta find a way to get these girls in the bedroom before they open their mouths and spoil the illusion for you".

 

"Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"

 

(not sure of the source, was emailed to me with a bunch of funny signs/sayings)

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"Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"

 

(not sure of the source, was emailed to me with a bunch of funny signs/sayings)

 

That's a funny saying. I'm sure I'll have to remember that!

 

On a serious note, yes, sometimes it is personality that makes someone become unattractive. It's not always about physical attraction.

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when I asked why he said she just kept talking about fishing and Nascar!

 

You know, based on your location (and ours as well), she probably thought those two subjects would get him all kinds of fired up.

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You know, based on your location (and ours as well), she probably thought those two subjects would get him all kinds of fired up.

 

Especially the NASCAR thing! LOL

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swvacouplelookn, you are not any different than what we've discovered in our own personal experiences, other than Mrs. Co is equally "picky" Having said that we by no means expect perfection, we do not see ourselves as perfect, and we sure do not expect more from others than we are prepared to offer of ourselves. While there is a certain "look" we seem to be attracted to, there is also a certain "personality" that is equally necessary. Basically it comes down to our realization that if we are not attracted to them with their clothes on, there isn't a chance the attraction will change when... everyone gets naked!

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Eh, if your standards for a partner are high, and you're fine with that, then why do you bother feeling bad? So it may take some extra time finding the four-way match, so what? You're happy at home, and this isn't a necessity, so...

 

I am struck by one thing. You've been with some, according to societal standards, beautiful women, who did nothing for you. That suggests to me that you're seeking better mental stimulation in your partners. You want the whole package. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I wish you luck and hope you find more playmates you're both happy with:D

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Basically it comes down to our realization that if we are not attracted to them with their clothes on, there isn't a chance the attraction will change when... everyone gets naked!

 

You said it well!

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heres one for ya............figure this out. we are both about 50 and are both considered much younger looking/in shape, for our ages. me (the male) in particular. my wife is EXTREMELY picky about her gentlemen and a little less so about her ladies. since we seek "non-smoking couples only; same room"; she really feels that all four should "click to play". in many cases, i would not feel bad taking one for the team. my wife and i are at disparate ends of the swing spectrum! it does make it kinda tough.

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Ok, first off to the OP - You arent expereinceing anything different than you did when you were Dating, Are you? I am sure like any other person you went out with people that, while "attractive" in one way or another, they had other things that werent so appealing to you, Am I right?

 

In this lifestyle, we face challenges that are complicated well beyond that dynamic.. We are trying to find a match, for 4 people, your wife, You, the new couple.. A danting challenging task, to be sure.. But possible.. the key is, not to quit after finding those that didnt do it for you..

 

As far as the other comments.. How many of you remember the MATCH GAME from the 70's? You had people that were on the panel all the time.. One being a blonde, good looking, absolutely.. And if it was a character she was playing, She should have gotten the EMMY.. she was the prototypical blonde, with a voice that was closer to chaulk on a blackboard screech..

 

Now, If can remember this person.. Carol I think was her name ( AND NO IT WASNT CAROL CHANNING ).. If you do, then you know, she would have been at any party or club, very sought after.. FOR HER LOOKS.. the moment she opened her mouth, Even to scream fuck me, hard on would go south.. From her performances on the TV shows, She never exihibited Genius.. Ever.. Who knows if she could hold a conversation.. The visual was there.. the brain.. like young frankenstien, abby normal

 

So whats my point? Attraction, is more complicated than looks alone.. As i have pointed out before, there needs to be a point during the sexual intermission, as you bask in the glow where the playmate needs to be able to articulate alittle at least..

 

Now to the fishing and nascar cracks... As bad as that might be.. use it to STEER a conversation to what YOU are interested in..

 

Need and example..

Suppose the topic is NASCAR..

 

"Nascar, hell they aint got nothing on the traffic on A1A... Or Friday Night in X X"

 

Everyone loves to bitch about traffic, and driving.. and BINGO common ground again!!

 

Fishing?

 

Even simpler.. "I prefer to keep and EAT what i catch.. like you..." BINGO.. and we are back to SEX..

 

I hate to be in the passenger seat when in a car or a conversation.. so steer it where YOU wanna go..

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Even simpler.. "I prefer to keep and EAT what i catch.. like you..." BINGO.. and we are back to SEX.. .

 

I'd rather talk about fishing.

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Mrs. Ekies and I have had this same conversation many times.

 

She says, "I have the best and only want to spend time with those who meet my criteria, no matter how narrow those criteria may be". These are HER words, I just agree with them. :D

 

I too, have the best...she's as much fun as a woman can be in a lot of respects, sex included. But I'm after variety...I want to spend time with someone who is fun and uninhibited and my "looks" strike zone is very wide by the op's standard.

 

But the standard is YOURS...and to be taken very seriously. Using the term "too picky" is unfair and negative. You've talked this through with your wife and you and she understand the limitations that your choosiness impose on your potential for play and are working to find a middle ground to increase her chances for play AND meet your needs.

 

I'd say you're on the right track.

 

If you came here and said, "I want to play more but I don't like anybody", then the situation would be quite different.

 

Good luck,

 

Trace

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