Playing solo "discreetly", should I assume he's cheating?

[The Fuse 1,012]

Here's a different angle on playing with cheaters (and hopefully a way to change the subject). Recently Mr. Fuse and I played with a couple for the first time. We all had a great time. They are not a married couple, nor do they live together, but they've been a couple for some time, I forget how long. The following week, I got a text from him saying he'd had a lot of fun. I replied, saying I had too and that I'd emailed his girlfriend with our schedule so we could figure out when to get together again. He texted again and said he'd also be interested in getting together alone, discreetly. Ugh.... why would someone with such a good situation want to get greedy?

 

So the question is, what do I do? So far I just texted him back immediately and said that playing separately is not an option. And of course I told my husband. I don't know if I'd go so far as to tell his girlfriend, or whether it would even be appropriate of me to do that. But I feel, well, "cheated" because we could have had fun all together again. Now I would feel weird getting back together with them because I'd feel like I was keeping something from her. But damn, it was fun, and sexually compatible couples are hard to find. What a shame that he had to go throw a wrench in the works. It's not like we were going to be lifelong friends, but we could have had a nice 4-way encounter every once in a while. I'm even more bummed because this couple actually contacted us and did most of the reaching out, and all my contacts were with her, all of which is unusual and welcome.

 

In fact, I don't even know for sure whether his girlfriend would be upset at all. The only clue I have is that he used the word "discreetly" in his text. But asking for clarification seems a bit silly. I'm betting he'd be doing it without telling her.

 

So, what do people think? Don't see them anymore? See them but don't bring up his indiscretion? Email the girlfriend and tattle? So far I've just not done anything, and would probably just drop all contact. When and if she tries to arrange another date, though, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Fuse, there's a few different options.

 

You can go with what you texted back with, and only play all four together. This sidesteps the issue for the most part, leaving only concerns you and your husband may have about playing with a potential cheater, but a cheater who is not cheating to be with you. Big deal? Only you can evaluate. But, it removes you from the drama of a cheating situation.

 

You can contact him back and ask for what he meant by "discretely". There's no way to know if what he'll respond with is the truth though, so it may not answer any questions. Hard to see the value in this option, but it's one possible direction.

 

You can ask the girlfriend straight out if it's ok for the boyfriend to play solo. Don't let on to her that he asked first. This allows you to play with him with permission, and avoids the drama, but you'd then be in a slightly different mode than the first option; you're having sex with someone who THINKS he is cheating, even though he isn't (weird scenario, that!). It also has the downside that future foursome play will probably feel awkward.

 

You can text him back and say you and your husband changed your mind, you'd be happy to play with him solo but you need his girlfriend's permission, from her, not through him. Sorta the same as the first option, except you get to play solo with him too. You could evolve this into you playing solo with him, your husband playing solo with her. Double play date, sort of, but at different locations from each other.

 

You could drop contact; say you've moving on to your next interests. Disadvantage is, as you note, you found a compatible couple and you're turning your back on that.

 

There's no right or wrong answer, just what works best for you and your husband.

 

You might consider forking this out into its own thread

[realcplub2 513]

I echo bbarnsworth for the most part, however the alarm bells that went off are real and I had a slightly different take..

 

Guessing as you did that he was looking for private play, without his girlfreinds knowledge does of course sound possible.. But is it also possible he was thinking of playing "ultra" privately as in just you and him without Mr Fuse anticipating / knowing?

 

I would suggest just asking straight out what exactly he meant by the comment.. and going from there.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Interesting responses. Thanks for the perspectives.

 

Neither me nor Mr. Fuse is interested in playing alone with this other couple's respective halves. They were fun but there wasn't a real connection on many levels other than sexual (which is enough). If we get together with them again, it would probably be for a quick drink and romp.

 

I don't know if I want to go to the trouble of engaging the guy in a conversation about what he meant. My feeling is that I'd only find out that he wanted each of us to deceive both his girlfriend and Mr. Fuse, for nothing more than another fuck. Then I wouldn't want to play anymore, because that would make me feel negatively. It would also make me wish his girlfriend knew, which would make it difficult to enjoy their company together... though if she knows him that well it's probably a moot point. If I'm being really honest, I am already most of the way to the negative point of view.

 

I'll probably just let sleeping dogs lie unless he contacts me again about playing alone "discreetly". If she contacts us about another date with all of us, I'm not sure what I'll do. This is really not a big deal... just thought I'd throw it out there and see what came back.

[Additude 457]

I say drop it.

 

Delete the text message, forget it and move on. You have no reason to mention it to his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, doing so at this point would be your contribution to an existing problem or your creation of a problem from scratch. I'm sure he doesn't require your help with this.

 

You take care of yourself. He can take care of himself.

 

However, if he persists in wanting to meet "discreetly" and you get uncomfortable with it, like after his third attempt, then I think you need to discontinue seeing them.

[twoforone100 45]

From what we read we would pass, but it is a feel thing, and the way you feel would matter most. How it came across would matter most.

[lizandtom 512]

Welcome to the 'dark' side of the lifestyle. During dozens of couples hookups we've had, every guy that has been with Mrs. Bum has whispered things in her ear that went beyond a casual sex relationship, that undoubtedly the guys would have never told their SO's. I laugh at it because it shows just how stupid it is for guys to take a good situation and turn it to sh_t, as this one has with you. Good for you that you have no interest in entertaining the thought of solo play; we've gone that route once and it still haunts us 3 years later; no cheating on our part, but the other males wife didn't know about certain 'goings on' and then a history about that couple surfaced at our local club; years of cheating and a whole host of other nonsense. If all 4 of you get along ok, then my advice is to remain silent on the solo proposition, but continue to have fun with them as long as everyone is on the same page. No doubt he will proposition you again solo, so your immediate reply is to be 'does ____ know about you wanting to play alone with me?' He should probably shut up about it in a NY minute unless she does know, and if that's the case simply reply 'while I'm flattered, we only play with couples, as a couple.'

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Do you think there is a possibility they both could be testing you?

 

I really hate to hear this happened, especially to you of all people.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Do you think there is a possibility they both could be testing you?

 

I really hate to hear this happened, especially to you of all people.

 

Aw... thanks! But it is no big deal. Disappointing, but a minor thing.

 

Nah, I don't think they are testing us. But that would certainly be a more interesting reason than the likely truth. The guy in question is one of those unabashed sluts... just likes sex and pursues it a lot. I think he considers it a sport. I think that is fine, just that there's no reason to go behind anyone's back, especially given that we're all swingers anyway!

[Chicup 41]

Welcome to the 'dark' side of the lifestyle. During dozens of couples hookups we've had, every guy that has been with Mrs. Bum has whispered things in her ear that went beyond a casual sex relationship, that undoubtedly the guys would have never told their SO's.

 

 

Every guy?

[xyzzy07 15]

I think it'd be hard to see the other couple in a foursome and not fell funny & awkward. It's a shame he screwed this up!

 

lizandtom, what sorts of things have the guys whispered? I say nice things about the lady's looks and how sexy she is, but I consider that no more than polite, nor the encounters more than casual and friendly. In fact, I give the same compliments in front of the husband. Were the whisperings invitations to meet on the side?

[Alura 2,774]

I think you handled the situation quite well, The Fuse. I believe you should continue the friendship as if the "playing separately" suggestion never arose. You've already answered his inquiry negatively. Hopefully, he'll accept it and the subject won't arise again.

 

Couples who are fun in bed are hard to find. It would be well to try to preserve the friendship if you can, under your own terms, of course.

 

Did y'all play together in the same room as a foursome? If so, might it be possible that he means only that he'd like to play in separate rooms? I can fully understand a man wanting to enjoy an experience which enabled him to concentrate his attention on you. It would be an awesome event different from that which y'all have already enjoyed.

 

Your posts tell me that you are intellectually as well as physically stimulating. That can be a valid part of the swinging experience as well, in my opinion, and does not necessarily lead to drama.

[lizandtom 512]

 

Every guy?

 

Believe it or not, YES! This particular thread hit home as we were just discussing, the other day, that particular couple mentioned in our post above and how the guy regularly spoke with Mrs. Bum behind his wifes back. She then revealed to me that every guy that she's encountered has whispered in her ear such things as, 'I masturbated to your pics,' 'my wife doesn't get into it nearly as much as you, you're so hot,' 'call me Monday and lets set something up just the two of us...' just for a few examples.

 

Although she tells me almost all, some of the comments are appropriate because we've gotten to know the couple well, and there is wonderful 4 way chemistry, but some we had just met.

[absingleman 178]

The Fuse, it sounds to me like he wants a discreet encounter with you without your husband. From everything you said in the original post, the "couple" are two really close single friends who swing together. Something about the way you described your contacts say they swing separately and only coordinate to play together with other couples. It may not be that he is cheating on his girlfriend, but wants some one on one time with you and wants the thrill of doing it behind your husband's back instead of asking him straight out if the two of you could have some alone time.

 

Still, the way he went about it was wrong.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Believe it or not, YES! This particular thread hit home as we were just discussing, the other day, that particular couple mentioned in our post above and how the guy regularly spoke with Mrs. Bum behind his wifes back. She then revealed to me that every guy that she's encountered has whispered in her ear such things as, 'I masturbated to your pics,' 'my wife doesn't get into it nearly as much as you, you're so hot,' 'call me Monday and lets set something up just the two of us...' just for a few examples.

 

Although she tells me almost all, some of the comments are appropriate because we've gotten to know the couple well, and there is wonderful 4 way chemistry, but some we had just met.

 

lizandtom: Pretty interesting stuff! You guys have had quite a run where it sounds like the guys like to push the boundaries. I wonder why? I like to say nice things to my playmates about how they feel, look or how much they are pleasing me, but I would never dis my husband or say anything about playing solo without him knowing or being pretty sure that he would approve. And I don't recall anyone saying anything to me during sex about playing again besides saying they wanted to, and maybe some juicy details. I don't know what I'd do if I were in the act of sex with someone and they said they wanted to "just the two of us". And I've heard before about guys who say things about how their wives aren't into it ... seems like that's something better kept to one's self. I think it's fine if a guy says he masturbated to my pictures, or says nice things in general, as long as they don't imply disloyalty.

 

Alura: we were all in the same room. It was a lot of fun as the guy was quite "playful" and very lusty, and cracked a lot of jokes. Mr. Fuse and I also enjoy separate room play, and like you we don't believe it lends itself to drama. But I don't think that's what the guy meant in his text. (And thank you for the compliment!) I think I'll follow your advice and just not address it unless it comes up again. Who knows... we haven't heard from them since, so it may be a moot point.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Welcome to the 'dark' side of the lifestyle. During dozens of couples hookups we've had, every guy that has been with Mrs. Bum has whispered things in her ear that went beyond a casual sex relationship,

 

If we had met up with DOZENS of fools as you have we would stop swinging and take up golf.

 

In over 30 years we have not met up with that many people that are so foolish. People talk bad about Vegas but damn, seems we don't have as many fools here as people think.

[Alura 2,774]

Alura: we were all in the same room. It was a lot of fun as the guy was quite "playful" and very lusty, and cracked a lot of jokes. Mr. Fuse and I also enjoy separate room play, and like you we don't believe it lends itself to drama. But I don't think that's what the guy meant in his text. (And thank you for the compliment!) I think I'll follow your advice and just not address it unless it comes up again. Who knows... we haven't heard from them since, so it may be a moot point.

 

Okay, here's what I might have done, assuming the lady of a couple asked for some one-on-one time. I'd have sent a text or email such as: "I just want to clarify that I won't play without Mrs. Alura but the next time the four of us get together, we might start out in separate rooms and gather as a foursome after. That would give us some time to get to know each other better without giving up the fun of all of us together. Whadayasay?

[lizandtom 512]

 

Every guy?

 

If we had met up with DOZENS of fools as you have we would stop swinging and take up golf.

 

In over 30 years we have not met up with that many people that are so foolish. People talk bad about Vegas but damn, seems we don't have as many fools here as people think.

 

Hmmm now you guys got me thinking. I know she said every guy has whispered in her ear, but I have to check on how much would be over the top vs. just sexxy talk in the heat of the moment...

 

...and btw Vegas, the Mrs. considers Vegas her favorite destination on earth and has never had an unkind word for it